How to answer...

In 2007, I contacted someone to do some online training with. I found it incredibly frustrating because it as so limited. I thrive on being of service, but I couldn't wrap my head around what kinds of service I could possibly give this man, especially when he was sick and in and out of the hospital. Everything fell apart in early 2008 when I miscarried...emotionally I just couldn't handle it anymore. I apologized profusely, he understood, and we "parted" ways.

I'd been thinking about him and last October, I contacted him. I told him about having Girl, about my pushme-pullme submission. He wrote back:

As for the submission part, just take it as it comes. You can only be you. And when you are comfortable, you know it. There were times with me that I thought you were very happy. But when you were directed, you seemed to close down. So I do believe you have submissive qualities, but you are not a true sub.

*wry smile* I haven't been able to respond because his words stung so much.

Oh, I know...the only one who really matters is Beloved, and to hell with what anyone else thinks, blah blah blah.

But it DOES matter...because this is someone I respect, and I crave acceptance from those I respect. *sigh* And besides, Beloved has his own questions about my submission, often because I fight so hard when directed. So, I get thrown back into the stormy dark confusion about my identity, my role, my place in this world.

Perhaps if I could craft a response to the jibe, I'd be one step closer to serenity.

Let her run...

Sarah Palin got caught using a crib "sheet" after blasting Obama for using a teleprompter. People are up in arms about whether she's an idiot or if a few scribbled notes compares to a teleprompter and either bemoaning or hurrah-ing her consideration of a 2012 election run.

*shrug* Let her run. Is this not the country that says any native born citizen can be President? What's the harm? Seriously...she lacks the backbone, the subterfuge, and the class to get past the primaries (maybe I have some faith in the GOP after all. :-P) , but it would be entertaining to watch.

A note of adoration...followed by a tiny rant...

Beloved is the most special guy I've ever been involved with. Seriously. Yesterday, I was not coping well at all. I'd actually written, but not published, a blog entry about my frustrations with him. Instead, I e-mailed Beloved the entry directly, after warning him that I had a venting rant coming.

You know what he did?

First, he told me that while he was aware it had been a difficult week, he hadn't realized how I was feeling....that he understood where I was coming from....came home at a normal time AND brought dinner....helped get the kids down, the place picked up....and THEN set up the massage table and treated me like a queen and put me to bed for a full night's sleep.

Only then did he say that he had to finish some work and disappeared downstairs until midnight.

I'm so grateful to him for taking the time to help me, to care for me. I know that right now, work is being particularly brutal, and he still came to my rescue.

Beloved, I adore you and thank you for everything, but especially for your love!




**********************************************************
Okay, so now for my tiny rant.

Someone contacted me through one of the kink sites because "it sounds like you are very active in the community....Any recommendations on how to safely, descretly get involved with the bdsm community?"

I pop to the poster's profile, see immediate resouces that would be local, and send the information within 30 minutes.

And...nothing.

Am I asking too much for an acknowledgement of the service? A simple "thanks"? Or even a "hey, that's not quite what I'm looking for?" *sigh* It's not the first time...it won't be the last. It's just a minor disappointment that I needed to express somewhere.

*happy dance*

I found Beloved's shoes for more than half-off the original price. Tra-la-la-la-la! Sometimes it pays to be a stubborn brat about stuff.



*wry smile* cheap thrills in a service submissive's life

Motivation

From Kaya...

His parting shot before walking out the door this morning was “maybe stepping up the domestic violence around here will step up the domestic help”.

I gave him the appropriate eye roll and “OooOoooOooh. I’m so scared!” reply.

Kidding! I didn’t. Actually, I might have humped his leg and said “Promise? Do you really promise??”

He told me I was incorrigible.

*giggles* Beloved and I have had parallel exchanges, and I'm often called incorrigible or impossible. And similarly, I don't find such comments to really be motivational. If anything, it makes me more resentful of the chores, tasks, schedules, and all I try to accomplish.

Maybe that makes me a bad sub, but given Beloved's dislike of punishments, I don't think so. Leaving the bdsm to scenes when needed...or desired...is pretty okay with me. I just wish that when Beloved desired to play, I found it easier to submit.

So, what motivates me, if it isn't bdsm? hmmmmmmm...

I absolutely adore when Beloved snuggles me into his arms and tells me what a good job I've done on XYZ. I enjoy the times when he rubs out my shoulders and body, just because *maybe* I've earned a little pampering. I appreciate it when he is willing to make something *I* want to do (like attending MAsT) happen.

With others, it's more vague, I suppose, but compliments, no matter how much I try to put them off, are wonderful. Members of the DOM expressed their enjoyment of supper last Tuesday, and I was curling my toes with delight of having "impressed" them. A "squeeeee" from a surprised friend is a joyous sound to my ears. The "exchange" of services...whether it's being able to beg a presentation space, being taught a skill, or the offer of help when I ask...is a huge reward to me.

Although I (feel like I) complain often, I generally find myself stumbling into bed, exhausted, overworked, and grateful that I've been able to serve.

No hanky panky on the table.

My vanilla extract friend is lending us her massage table. She's a total sweetheart and is aware that Beloved and I are into "that stuff", and she very expressly said that massage is a sacred safe place and the table is...(fill in with some hand waving). I made her blush by promising that there would be no hanky panky on her massage table.

My carpet cleaning friend is also aware that Beloved and I are into "stuff", and he's quite happy to be a part of that from time to time. He had also promised me a massage after the baby was born.

Table + Massage offer = very happy pixie!

*sigh* It makes my head hurt, but I like Jason and enjoy the times we've gotten together. Beloved, naturally, enjoys teasing me about it. In his own words, I enjoy teasing you, this is material for that but little more in that capacity. I like the life it gives our relationship and the freshness it lends to our interactions.... If things get sexy today I would like a story.

So...guess why I'm writing. *smirks*

I set up the table in the living room and put some massage oil in a cup of hot water to warm up. Jason arrived, and complained a little about how firggin' cold it is today, and kissed me before asking where the table was. I showed him, and he smacked my butt. "Well, let's get started...you undress."

I'm sure there was a hint of pink in my cheeks and I know I stammered as I stripped to my birthday suit. I lay down on the table, face down. The oil was perfect, and Jason poured a river down my back. His hands were warm and firm and not shy at all. Once, he asked if he was being to rough, and I laughed and told him it wasn't quite enough. Beloved tells people I've ruined him for massage because of how deep I like the massage to go.

It was really wonderful, and Jason rubbed me out from my shoulders to my toes before asking me to flip over. Part of me was hurrahing....prematurely...that maybe I wouldn't have to write a story! The second half of the massage was still wonderful, very mature, non-sexual...except for the couple of times that Jason leaned over the table to get the oil or to draw his hands from my shoulders to my toes... When he stretched over me like that, I felt his hard cock and I knew that for all the control, the thoughts Jason's mind were NOT platonic. I peaked at him, and he just half-smiled, half-smirked.

When he was done, he leaned down to kiss me. "No hanky panky on the table!" I said. I had promised, and I am working hard to keep my promises, especially in this space. I sat up, stretched, and scooted of the table. Jason had his arms around me in a second. He kissed me, and I giggled. "So, what would YOU like?" I teased. He just shook his head. "No...it's all about you today. Whatever you say, I will do."

Jerk. What the hell is it with people insisting that I VOCALIZE my dark desires, huh? Ya'll know what I want...just relieve me of the responsibility and we can have lots of fun. Get it? *sigh*

Of course, I didn't SAY that. I teased and played with his clothed cock, hoping he'd take the hint. I swear, sometimes it's like everyone is talking about me behind my back. Finally I whispered that I'd run up and get some lube...

I cam back with lube and a condom, Jason was already naked. I kissed him, reaching down and playing with his cock a little. Squirting a little lube on his hand, he reached around me and started teasing my ass. I closed my eyes...wanting but in denial. The war inside my head was very loud. Everything from what to tell Beloved to how naughty this was to maybe Girl will wake up and save me from myself...

But no. Instead, I got a little lube on my hand and reached for his cock, playing, teasing, jerking him. Admitting, without saying a word, how much I liked this. He had warmed me up well, and I tore open the condom wrapper, unrolling it while gazing into his eyes. He turned me around, and pushed me...my hands went down on the couch, my forehead against the back. It hurt just a little as he pressed inside...and then...*smirky smile*

Beloved asked what's it like...why do I like being penetrated anally. I'm not sure how to explain it. It's not the same a vaginal penetration...it's tighter, I feel fuller, not as wet. Without lube, I think it would be hell, but just enough means that I'm not all slippery and can't feel much. I don't "get off" the same...today I have my Keeper in, so there was extra vaginal pressure because of that, and then Jason reached around and played with my clit. I grit my teeth hard because I didn't want to bite a hole in the couch fabric. Orgasm was just dangling out of reach...that sad place where I know I'm not quite going to come, but oh, it would be so nice... Jason was pretty much just toying with me, encouraging me, letting me provide all the movement. I finally brought a hand over his fingers....shhhhhhhh. It just wasn't going to quite happen, and I was on the verge of soreness. He took over, his hands on my hips, fucking my ass fast and hard. A little more lube might have been nice...but he groaned and relaxed. A moment later, he spooned me on the couch, just catching our breath. It wasn't long before I started to get chilled, and we pulled away to get dressed.

Afterwards, in the kitchen, we talked. Then he gave me a hug and kiss and opened the door to the mudroom. "You don't want to come out here...it's cold!" I agreed and gave him a quick kiss before he walked out, closing the door behind him.

I went upstairs and showered, and slowly the situation sank in. Damn it. Damn it damn it damn it! I could hide everything...pretend it never happened...I could fall into the same @#$%&# trap I have in the past. Or, I could swallow my pride and tell Beloved. The RIGHT way. *growls*

I got dressed and went to the computer. Beloved had IMed me... hey love... Silly head of mine is doing overtime, thinking about all the conversations about safe calls last night, and my audiobook had a messed up scene in it.... anyhow, I'd appreciate a call.

In case it isn't clear, I love that man. I felt all mushy and lovey. I called. I told him I was safe, that I owed him a story. He managed to pry it out of me over the phone, making me strangle every. damn. word. THEN he told me I still had to write. Some times......

*sigh*

So...there's my adventure for the day. How was yours?

Missing...

Time. Balance. Contentment.


I'm mid-moon, so the hormone overload isn't helping.
The kids are waking me up every hour during the night.
I am confounded by the house. WTF?!?
Four months ago, I said I'd get my materials for a poly class together, but that hasn't happened...

GAH!

Beloved said that we should start with a full night sleep, go from there...sounds like a good plan.