on safewords

The last time Beloved drove my safeword from my lips was Saturday, when he took me HARD after a long day. I had already gotten him off earlier, and there was no way he was going to cum, and we both knew it. It started out sweetly enough...we were in bed and I had cock-craving. I asked, and he obliged. When he was hard, he nudged me over and pulled my jammie pants off, grabbing a condom. I was wet and ready, tired, but the prospect of love-making appealed.

And that was how it was...at first. Beloved thrust into me, using long, slow strokes to draw it out. Then short, rapid staccato stabs, making me pant and gasp. Then he grabbed my wrists, holding me down as he ravaged me and I cried out in climax....he took my ankles and pulled them up over his shoulders and fucked me hard, almost painfully before I'd caught my breath.

He then flipped me over and entered me from behind, demanding I play with my clit and cum again. I was sore and tired and very ready to drift off to dreamtime at that point, but Master had ordered me to cum...so, down went my hand, and I tried to match his thrusts as I played my clit...I was just starting to feel the flutters of orgasm when he smacked my ass, dragging me out of rhythm. I started to pull away, thinking we were done, but Master asked me what I thought I was doing...hadn't he told me to cum??? With a whimper, I went back to the beginning...my brain fuzzy and my pussy throbbing. I was running dry and each thrust burned, but I obeyed. Again, just I was beginning to ascend, his hand came down mercilessly. I started to cry...It wasn't that I was unwilling, but that he was actively blocking me from fulfilling his demand. There was nothing more I could give...and I could feel the panic starting to rise as "Popcorn!" slipped from my lips.

Instantly, Beloved withdrew, cuddling me, kissing my tears and reassuring me. I babbled something about trying, but I just couldn't.

"I know....I was being very unfair, and I know."

If I had been even a little bit more...with it...I might have raged at him. As it was, he had to circle with me, bringing me back to safety. "It's okay...we're done. You did well...you're okay."

When I was finally in the here and now, he kissed my forehead. "Just remember, all you EVER have to say is 'popcorn'. Let this be proof of that." I nodded, cuddled on his chest.

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Beloved came home yesterday and played with Boy really hard until about 8:30. Then he carried the exhausted creature upstairs, changed him into jammies, and handed him off for a story, nursing, and tuckies. It was very sweet and I was feeling that silly warm maternal glow when I slipped downstairs.

That was probably the reason I flushed when I found Beloved reading this blog. Feeling a little flustered, I asked if he wanted tea, and promptly escaped to focus on making his favorite. I brought it to him and then went to the living room to sip my own...wondering what in the world he was thinking.

At last (maybe 5 minutes later), he joined me.

"Do you read because it's erotic, or because it's insightful?"

I assumed the turn-on, since so much of what I write is actually discussed and rehashed and dissected, either before or after it actually makes it into type. Of course, assumption is the mother of screwup.

"Because it's insightful...I like to see how you are thinking about things when I'm not looking."

huh. We talked a little bit about that, a little bit about the fact that I'm making a mark for myself...people are noticing and reading and responding to what I've written. That led to my reading other blogs and conversing with others. I'm in awe of the trust I see others displaying...and feel wanting.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to give up my safeword," I confessed. "So many others play without a safeword, and it's a sign of their total trust in their Dom. I feel bad...because it's not that I don't trust you...but..."

Beloved saved me. "I don't see it that way, my love. Your safeword came about to help you relax and accept vanilla sex. You have darker, scarier places in your head than most people should. You have a safeword not because you don't trust me, but because you don't trust yourself. I've yet to hear you use it because of physical pain or dodge a request of mine. You use it when you feel yourself sliding into the dark places."

It was such a relief to have that concept presented...I'd never really thought about it that way. It is true that my safeword started years and years ago, before D/s or poly or any of that entered into our sex life. I was a childhood gang-rape victim, and froze/panicked at the slightest wrong word or touch when Beloved and I first met. We decided on "Popcorn" as our safeword...because it was silly and would break the mood and could never, ever be mistaken. Today, we have come so far from that...far enough to enter into D/s play, soft bondage, and teasing physical pain.

I would try to do...or to go...anywhere my Beloved asked me to. I do trust him implicitly, which is why I tend to get tight-lipped or angry when people berate safewords as a lack of faith in a Dom. Sometimes a safeword is proof-positive that a submissive has all the trust in the world in the Dom.