"I don't wanna play stupid games!"

CONSIDER THIS YOUR WARNING....ALL ABOUT MENSTRATION AND RESULTING "PROBLEMS" AND BRATTY BEHAVIOR


I was sixteen when I went on birth control pills. I loved them. I did all kinds of "bad" things with them...I'd "move" my period so that I didn't have to worry about it the week that we were in Yellowstone or so I didn't need to carry anything with me to Australia. I adored the total lack of surprise, zero cramps, and limited hormone rages. Life got even better with Deprovera...NO PERIODS! wOOt! I gave it up for Seasonale...a quarterly cycle...because of the weight-gain Depo is associated with. bummer, but I still had a pretty good thing going.

Beloved and I decided to try to get pregnant, so I dropped off the pills, had ONE cycle, and caught. Whhheeee...about 17 months of no moons! Sure I was dealing with OTHER feminine issues related to childbearing, but no menstruation.

*sigh* About a year ago, my body went back to it's normal, natural womanly cycle. It's been awful. First time in my LIFE I've had cramps that creep into my back and down my legs. First time in my life I've worried about how heavy my flow is. First time in more than 15 years that I have been unable to control my cycle. and I HATE it.

I'd go on pills except that 1) my MD won't prescribe them while I'm nursing, 2) I am probably going to have another child in the next four years and want to do anything and everything to avoid the hyperemesis again. That means no hormones, no pills, no patches, no IUDs, no anything that affects my body chemistry.

Guess who fell slave to hormones yesterday?

uh-huh. Yours truly.

Beloved was amazing, wonderful, awesome...he got up with Boy and let me sleep in. He agreed to run errands with me. He smiled at me and appealed to logic when I was weepy. He complimented me on the upswings. (Mind, all of this is before noon!) We got home, and Boy had fallen asleep in the car. The beginning of the end since it meant no nap that afternoon. We got our purchases inside, and I started trying to address the endless list of things that needed doing...pick up the house, clean, sort Boy's toys and price what we were getting rid of, get the meat roasting for Beloved's gathering on Sunday, laundry, bills, on and on and on.

Beloved was helping me package crib bedding into a tight plastic zippered bag, and we finally managed to get it closed. Beloved drummed on it, and the zipper split. He tried to unzip it to fix the split, and the zipper piece came off one of the tracks. I threw my hands up and walked, grumbling. I sat down at my computer to start listing things, and Beloved said he needed a binder clip to fix it, which meant he was asking me to run upstairs to get one to fix my bag...

and I lost it.

I stomped upstairs, got the clip, stormed downstairs, and slammed it on the table before muttering over my shoulder that I was *trying* to get things done...Beloved muttered something about my needing to chill out...

Please understand that we don't fight. We disagree sometimes, but fights are really rare. Can you see where this is going? yeah....

Beloved got the zipper fixed and wanted to show me...and I exploded. I knew...KNEW...I was going to far, but I couldn't stop. Just at that moment, Boy slowly, deliberately turned his glass of water sideways to create an arc of water on the rug. I yelled.

Beloved seized my collar and dragged me upstairs, yanked out one of my cuffs and chained me to the bed.

"I will be back for you in an hour."

I screamed bloody murder. It was like I was a four year old child and I tantrumed like a champion. I threw the pills across the room, shoved the blankets off the bed, slammed my hard covered book on the floor. Beloved turned on some music downstairs and set to work, entertaining Boy as well as doing everything he could to help around the house.

I could hear the progress, and anger and shame welled inside. How does he manage to get stuff done with the Boy awake? Why am I so undisciplined? Am I such a worthless pet that he would rather forget me upstairs than ask me to work? Why, why, why am I no good at anything????

But instead of relenting, submitting, my anger spiraled and stewed for the TWO hours I lay in bed. Not good. I managed to snag the corner of my blanket and pulled it up over my head. When Beloved came in, I didn't move. He reached under the blanket and uncuffed me, the chain slipping to the floor. There was no way I was asleep...

He sat down on the bed, a hand gently resting on my hip. "Come on, love...it's time to let it go. Get up, get dressed. We need to leave for supper."

"I'm not going...just take Boy and go."

He got angry. At last. He flipped the blanket off of me, and I couldn't help but smirk. It was so stupid, so childish. (why, why am I doing this???) He grabbed my wrist and yanked me up. "You are going to get up now, put on a skirt, and get ready to go."

"No, I'm NOT! I'm NOT going! I'm just a worthless pet to chain to the bed. LEAVE ME ALONE! I don't want to play stupid games anymore!"

Beloved spun around, went to the closet, selected a skirt. He then put it on the bed in front of me, picked up some clothes for himself. "I am not going to tell you again...I am going to change Boy, change myself, and when I come back you WILL be ready to go or I WILL beat you."

"You wouldn't DARE...not in front of Boy!" It came out snidely.

"Don't test me on that!"

I didn't have the guts to test him on that...but I put the skirt on sloppily, didn't brush my hair, didn't find my glasses. I stomped downstairs, obviously not ready to go...If he was going to make me go, I was going to make it as miserable for him as possible (damn it, girl, all you are doing is embarrassing yourself! stop it!). I put on my coat, climbed into the back seat, reeking of sulk.

"Stop it," Beloved growled. "Talk to me."

"Right, as if were in a mindset to even LISTEN..."

"Get out of the car."

I threw the door open, thinking I'd gotten away with it. Beloved grabbed my collar and unlocked it, pulling from my neck. "I don't care what you do. Here's your freedom. Boy and I are going to dinner."

"FINE. You weren't going to LISTEN to me anyway!" I stormed back to the house, slammed the door, went straight up to the bedroom, dropping my skirt on the floor, stripped the restraints from under the bed, threw all the toys in the toybox, zipped it up. By the time he got home, there would be NOTHING left of our M/s relationship. NEVER EVER AGAIN. I HATED HIM.

I heard the door beep...Beloved brought Boy in and set him up with a video. He came upstairs, and I could hear the deep sigh before he came in the room, sat down, and looked up at me. Calmly.

"Talk to me..."

and I broke. I cried and cried and berated myself and hated myself and felt so low. The apologies tumbled from my lips. All I'd wanted since the night before was to be cuddled and loved despite my period... I hate being so out of control. Please, please....I'm sorry....

He pet my hair, shaking his head, striving to keep his calm, embracing the Master inside. If he had been angry, I might have had something to beat against, but my Beloved Master yielded, and I collapsed.
I found myself at his feet, in tears.

Boy found his way upstairs, and I tried to cover my tears, as if the child wouldn't know any better. Why are grownups so silly? I hugged him, hugged Master leg, and gathered myself. I washed my face, brushed my hair, pulled on my jeans. I was shaking inside, exhausted, but I tried to make myself presentable. In a few minutes, we were back to the car, ready to go...

We made it through supper...we took his mother out for her birthday...got home, put Boy to bed, and then sat on the couch in the dark. I was personally grateful for EarthHour...I didn't want to face him. The only thing he asked me about was the smirk. Why had I smiled? What was going on in my head?

I cried again, apologizing. I knew all of it was...childish, stupid...but I couldn't stop myself. But there was no spanking, no punishment for my acting out. Maybe there should have been, but that would have fed the martyr. Beloved simply cuddled me, loved me...made me feel guilty and immature and unworthy of Him. At the end of EarthHour, we watch "Behind the Green Door" (my first time) and Beloved teased me lightly about being embarrassed...that was at least three-quarters the purpose of the movie...

He was obviously excited, and when we went upstairs, we made love. Long, slow, sensual...

Now, 24 hours from the beginning of my tantrum, I'm not sure what to do. Beloved has dropped it, forgotten, forgiven. I know...deep down, I know...that all I have to do is ask for the collar again, and Beloved Master will welcome me back. The weight I carry is purely self-created. I'm scared of my collar. I'm not worthy of my collar. How can I ever ask for anything again?