"As a Master, many times, my wishes will be substantially different than my slave’s ideal of what I should expect of her. These are the times that separate the true slave from those who just “poke it with a stick”.
If a slave rises to the occasion and not only complies with her owner’s wishes but does them the very best she knows how despite her personal feelings regarding his orders, then she has ascended to a peak in her slavery."
~ Cavalier
Beloved has asked a task of me that I really. don't. wanna. do.
It has to do with the attic. This is not the first time the attic has been of contention, either. The first time, it was because we were having the roof redone, and WE had agreed to go through all the boxes in storage to gleen crap out. I got through all of my stuff...took several boxes of old clothes, books, nick-nacks to donation. But after a week of working hard and finally feeling like I was DONE, he asked that I do his stuff.
It became a real fight. I don't know what is important and what isn't. I don't know what he wants to keep, what is garbage, what might be useful to someone else. It's NOT MINE! It's NOT FAIR!
"No, it isn't...but that's the way it is."
~ Sarah, Labyrinth
*sigh* This time, Beloved has asked (repeatedly) that I go into the attic to collect and sort his tools. *sigh* It's stupid. It's easy, for pete's sake. WHY DO I HAVE THIS HANG-UP???
I did go up and sweep a bit, carried up the buckets to sort tools, and then fumbled. I am not a handyman. I don't know what these things are called, let alone what they are used for. Most of it looks like nails, scrapes, supply things...am I supposed to sort those?
I tried to ask Beloved via IM...that went poorly.
girl: Hey Beloved? I'm really not sure what to do with your stuff up in the attic.
Beloved Master: Okay, no worries
girl: no...it IS a worry. But there aren't many TOOLS up there. It's mostly wires, screws, nails, papers....
Beloved Master: The tools are all i care about right now. If you have collected and categorized them then you have done all I asked. If you'd like to do more then take the buckets into the basement.
girl: I wish I could convey how frustrating I find this...but maybe you know because you haven't done it either
Beloved Master: Nor have i really pushed for it. What you have done is perfect.
girl: but I haven't done anything.
girl: forget it....I'm going
At which point I made the tantrum mistake and slammed the computer closed. I went upstairs and moved more stuff around. I got the sweepings into one of the big buckets and cleared off most of two tables. I moved the buckets of tools down to the basement. I spent a lot of that time being angry and resentful, questioning whether I was just another bratty woman who plays at being submissive as long as it goes her way.
At which point I sat down in the sawdust and cried.
I feel like Beloved knows how much I didn't want this chore...he's even admitted he's hesitated about bringing it up because the last time (before the D/s play, btw) it blew up in his face. It's come really close to doing that again. So why...why set me up for failure? Why do this to me? Or does it have anything to do with me at all? Is it simply that he is so intimidated by the task that he sloughs it off on me? Is it a test? Is it a punishment? Is it about me?
I feel like a failure.
I did the work, but I didn't do it happily. I'm less angry about it now, but I'm resigned rather than relieved that it's done. I might even say I did my best within the limited knowledge that I had, but there is no satisfaction. *sigh* I wish my submission didn't have to be a struggle like this.
Some times...there's just not much we can do. I wouldn't worry about wondering about your place. You know your place, that's why you question it. So don't doubt yourself there.
ReplyDeleteI can REALLY relate to this. Sometimes our Masters ask us to do things that they think are easy. Perhaps it is because they are Men and some things they just don't tend to organize, where as when we walk up to sort and organize their stuff we can't make heads or tails out of it. Hell, I barely know the difference between a pair of pliers and tweasers.
For the last month Master had asked me to clean the bathroom...which was littered with Fran's bath crap. I walked in there one day when I felt like doing it on my own time with out him having to ask and just froze. I stared at the counter covered with cosmetics and shampoos and just shook my head. If it had been mine, I would have known just what to do with it. But it wasn't... It was Fran's.
I confronted Master with this problem later, and we were able to solve it. I asked if he'd clear off the counters the Bathroom would be cleaned right after. Its clean now. Other times its not as easy. He'll tell me to complete a task that I have absolutely no idea how to go about. So I ask lots of questions. If in the end I'm still confused, I'll do as I thought instructed, and if he said something was incorrect, I'd apologize and promptly tell him what I thought he ment, and then ask him to show me how to do it properly.
Don't worry about it too much Pixiebean. As slaves, we feel guilt for becoming frustrated, but in the end we're only human...