I kind of hate those three words. They aren't real, and worse, they make me feel guilty...which I'm good at doing anyway...
I'm staring at the Great Room and loathing the need for pickup. I know I haven't wiped down the stove and counter in the kitchen, and there are now three loads of clean laundry waiting to be folded. I'm feeling guilty for having sat on the couch and read 100 pages of my book instead of dealing with any of these small chores, and there's the hot pressure of resentful tears behind my eyes.
Damn it, I did a good job today!
I ran laundry. I managed to get Boy and myself out of the house for several hours. We went to the park and then stopped by a couple of garage sales before going to the store and the doctor's office. I made FIVE different dinners so that there is a stockpile in the freezer now AND cleaned up all of the dishes. For the first time in a week, Beloved came home to a child who was well-rested and happy.
but it's not enough, cause I'm sitting here guilty and crying because I don't want to do more. I'm tired, I hurt, I'm sick of being pregnant, and so very sick of feeling like all I ever do is complain.
I even started collecting the crayons and located the missing playdoh container for the last lump Boy left out this evening, grumbling to myself about it all. The question flashed through my head...what WOULD make me happy right now? Really...? If I could have anything I desired...
The simple answer was "clean house, massage, cuddles, not hurting anymore"...but Beloved got me a cleaning service, gave me a rubdown and cuddles last night, and I turned down the doctor's offer of Tylenol-3...
I just want to scream! I feel so horribly selfish and useless and angry and resentful for no specific reason...just in general...
If I could have anything I desired, it would be a magical combination of absolution of guilt and permission to allow myself to be happy. Unfortunately, no one can give that to me except me...and I don't know how to let go.
You did a phenomenal job.
ReplyDeletePerhaps those three words are worth another look though.
What if "anything he desires" includes his desire for your health, happiness and welfare? Because those are surely part of his desires.
Being a good steward of your own basic needs is essential to being in a good frame of mind to provide "anything he desires."
Being less-than-true to those basic, essential needs is not good service, and it makes for those resentful tears.
Those 100 pages of reading were necessary to ensure that you can continue not only to bring amazing loving service to the table, but that you can do it in good health.