It's a question I have been getting a lot...given the fact that I had surgery and a new baby and all that, it's not surprising...
Physically, I'm doing pretty well. I haven't taken pain meds in two days. My scar apparently looks great. The swelling in my legs is gone. Beloved and I ventured out with the kids today, and I walked with Girl for more than an hour. Breastfeeding has been pretty natural for both Girl and me. All told, PHYSICALLY, I'm good.
Mentally? *winces* Yeah...not so much. That's part of the reason I stopped the pain meds...I realized I wasn't taking them to dull the physically pain as much as to dull the senses. There's been a constant press of people around me, well-meaning and trying to help, but I'm strained and all I want to do is to melt into the shadows. I cry all the time, it seems. I'm aching inside...is this the normal "baby blues" combined with the period from hell that comes after pregnancy? Or is this more?
I find myself gritting my teeth with both Boy and Girl. I WANT to be more fun, especially with Boy. I want to brave finger paints with him. I want to go to the emergency vehicle expo tomorrow. I want to have my body and my mind back!!!
Beloved has been out-of-this-world amazing, but that makes me all the more reluctant to lean on him. The office has been a strain on him, too, and he's getting slammed with the infant sleep schedule as well. *sigh*
Part of the reason I'm posting it to get it out...LAST time, I got myself into big trouble with PPD, and I am terrified of spiraling into that dark space again. I HAVE already talked to Beloved about it. I DO have plans to attend a support group next week, and I will make a second doctor's appointment today to talk about meds for this brainstorm...
And please, oh please please please...if you are local, DON'T ask what you can do! I'm so tired to trying to direct people. If there is something you'd like to do to help, do it...but I'm not a dominant type and I don't handle the directing very well.
I love our children. For all that I never wanted this kind of life, I find myself blessed to have been given it. I just wish that babies didn't cause me all kinds of hell...first the hyperemesis, then the depression and the stream of self-doubts...
Thank all the gods I never have to do this again...
