Last night... *sigh* Back up. Yesterday was long and very busy. I was exhausted by suppertime. Beloved had teased me a bit during Boy's bath, but I really lacked the energy to do much. Beloved bit me and lightly marked me, I begged off. When the kids were finally asleep, I had fully intended to collapse as well. Beloved had other plans...
Of course, NOW my head is all fuzzy because I was tired, so I can't give an accurate account of events, but basically, I ended up on the couch with Beloved between my thighs...and he was TALKING. All what should have been complimentary...how much he enjoyed my taste, my scent...but I flipped out a bit. He backed off and asked if I would hesitate to take off my top, to offer my breasts, asked why my pussy was different. I don't really have the words to explain...but receiving sexual pleasure is so damnably HARD for me...
He told me to go wash my face and come back. I did.
He asked if I wanted to be HIS...of course...yes! So, he issued the orders for me to take off my top, offer my breasts, turn around, bend over and grab my ankles...I did. It wasn't until he started TALKING about playing with my pussy and ass (again) that I got edgy (again). I tried...but I was uncomfortable. He told me to get on the couch, that he was going to lick and suck me...I obeyed, but with hesitation...and started to cry (again). He came up and sat next to me (again), I recovered (again), and he told me that if I were going to belong to him, he was going to do as he liked...it wasn't about my disappointment in my body or concern about my scent, it HIS desires (duh) and if he wanted to, he WOULD like my pussy, would tell me to scream at the top of my lungs...that I'd smile while doing it.
And I lost it. It was almost panicky...I sank fast into the "worthless failure" place, angry that I couldn't submit, angry that he's ask such things of me...I can never, ever where his collar again, because I can't DO it...I can't accept pleasure. I'm afraid of it...afraid of not being "the good girl", afraid of being "disgusting", afraid of admitting I like it, afraid of condoning what happened more than twenty years ago.
When I stopped crying, we talked a little more about it...he said there is no doubt that I am a submissive...I submit to him every day in little ways...by asking what he'd like done around the house, by attending to his laundry, by making meals and caring for the kids, by making everything HE does possible. It's just in this area that I have a hard time... He's trying to unravel me, I think, but we are both painfully inexperienced in this space...I strangle myself on the words and he doesn't understand how to get me into a "good" bad space...
We finally gave it up, I tucked him in and went downstairs. I cleaned up dinner in a numb despair, then cleaned the bathroom. It was getting late and I had another busy day ahead, so I dragged myself back to the bedroom. Beloved was still awake, and in the dark, with my eyes closed, I was finally able to get some words out. I recalled a scene with Sir that maybe helped Beloved understand some of what I need...seek...
But I don't know.
Today has just been another day. Played with the kids, ran laundry, managed to work out lunch plans with Boy and Beloved (left Girl so it was a "special" time for Boy), got the kids home and down for a nap...
But here, in the few quiet moments, I find myself hurting and the irony of the Indigo Girls rings in my head...
So what makes me think I could start clean slated
The hardest to learn was the least complicated
The least complicated
The least complicated
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