Definitions

Submissive:

* inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient
* marked by or indicating submission

Submit:

* to yield oneself to the power or authority of another: to submit to a conqueror.
* to allow oneself to be subjected to some kind of treatment: to submit to chemotherapy.
* to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision, etc.

*sigh* WTF. That's pretty much the summation of my thoughts on the whole thing. I am NOT "unresisting or humbly obedient". I'm not so good at accepting another's judgment. I certainly don't "yield" myself to an authority. In point of fact, expressing authority is the FASTEST way to being out my inner bitch...

So why do I struggle with this desire to BE a submissive? What is it? Am I imagining some wonderful fairyland where the submissive is free of responsibility? Have I fallen for the idea that the sex is amazing? Is it the "proof" that a relationship is so deep and trusting?

Beloved and I have spent the last hour lost in translation. We're both sleep-deprived and (desperately) trying to be gentle and supportive when we both just want to lash out, scream, yell, and tantrum about how fricken HARD it is to have a newborn...

It's been over a year now since Beloved and I played with any kind of regularity. I take the majority of the blame for that...between the mess I made with Cole and the pregnancy complications it just hasn't been a part of our lives. Four weeks ago, because I was having surgery, Beloved had to cut the cord of my collar.

Did things change? No. Like I said, we haven't really been D/s for a year now. Do I miss it? That's hard to answer.

My purpose, my focus right now is two children. My children. Nothing could be greater than that, right? I'm supposed to be enamoured and inspired by these two little miracles of life.

I do love them...but...

*sigh*

UberDom and UberDomme. I submit to their needs, whims, cries, and laughs. I try to fulfill their every waking hour with loving care and attendance. I want to see them succeed and grow and amaze everyone the way they amaze me...

but...

I'm becoming "the mom"...and I am losing myself in the process.