In my life, love comes easily. Perhaps too easily. I want to be be everything to everyone. The partner, the friend, the saint, the slut. I don't remember exactly what the comment was that inspired Rain to look at me and laugh, saying that my life was so amazing and so complicated...
I struggle with that. Because I DO want to be everything to everyone, but at the same time, everyone wants, needs different things...and I want and need different things from them.
Beloved Saul and I are forever. Married at 19 and devoted at 34, we are like two trees that have grown together, branches so intermingled that the only telling between is the different leaf shapes. We have others in our lives, welcoming them into our sturdy shelter, sharing what it is that we have.
I have started dating ShadoKnight, and I am keenly aware of NRE. No matter the justifications, no matter that we have been friendly for years, I feel like I am holding my breath, wondering if this is the relationship I've been seeking for so long...the one that is based in reality with breathless strokes of fantasy icing. Already, he has taught me things I never knew.
Jay is my service man, my FWB. I delight in being the slutty housewife for him and he in turn has been a dependable, wonderful man of all things, from cleaning the carpets to moving a friend to watching the kids while I went to the doctor. Jay remains a fringe in my life because he cannot integrate me in his.
Chef_Lecter, Sir, is hard to summarize. I turn to him when the dark fantasies need sharing, because he understands and delights in playing with those demons. His sadist frightens me, his love cradles me. He is the fire that can warm and burn, and he can change the intensity deliberately in the same breath. The short time that we played together wedged open an acceptance inside me...that while I struggle with the dark things inside me, it is okay to acknowledge them and even toy with them. I am both horribly disappointed and greatly relieved by the physical distance between us.
Malifeo is an amazing friend and sweet heart. The story has all of the fantasy-makings...a pixie, a Squire, friendship, challenges. I worry that this is based in fantasy with reality being just flexible enough to make this tempting. One hundred miles shouldn't be such an insurmountable feat, but it seems to be. Our first date carried the slight awkwardness of sub-sub, don't-want-to-overstep-but-why-won't-you-make-a-move. Dare I summon up the Lady to his Squire? I don't think I can offer Domme, but Lady??? hmmmm
While there is no relationship with Justlooking, he is a current representation of "others". I find someone and chat them up, varying the tones, the flitation, the things I might consider. Sometimes, my teases and bluffs have been called, and then I stumble, trying to figure out what it is I truly intend. The callous me is shrugging it off...yes, I'm a cocktease, and so far the Internet has kept me safe. The loving me recognizes a lonely soul and wants to fulfill the request. The naughty pixie me thrills at the dangerous proposition of meeting a stranger. The realist me shakes my head, knowing I talk big and am too scared...too scarred. And then I feel badly...that I have done him a grave disservice, no matter that my light heart and good intentions are very real.
Yes, it IS complicated. I am drawn to and care for and love each for what it is that is offered, for who I am allowed to be when in their presence, for the patience each has as I dance and change and worry and desire and BECOME all that is Pixie.
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