Damn it...I'm TIRED!

I'm tired, damn it. I just want to slip into the oblivion of sleep.

Having no real success in the job market, I have been considering school. The one I settled on costs $20K and is one year. I don't *have* $20K, let alone money for childcare for a year of study. Yes, there's financial aid, but to be perfectly honest, Beloved's salary is in the doughnut hole...too little to pay outright, too much to qualify...

So, I signed up for a class at the community college. One about "career exploration strategies." Not knowing *what* career I'd actually enjoy, it sounded useful. I got a call the day before class was to start...that the class was canceled due to low enrollment. This has happened to me five or six times since I've tried taking classes in the Aurora area. I wonder what that says about my interests verse the rest of the community's. I wonder if that's the Universe's way of telling me to have patience...that my role of "suburban mom" isn't to be abandoned yet...

Since class is canceled, I have an unexpected free couple of hours. I *should* have just planned on my own time. However, I ended up chatting in the wee hours and was invited to lunch, but now I have to explain that I didn't sleep, I would be a true hazard if I drove and therefore I won't make lunch and I'm so sorry cause I know you won't be back in town until January...

Which led to my peering at the mountain of laundry and wondering if I should go take a shower and then start a load...or start a load in the hopes of going to SLEEP and grabbing a shower in the morning in the hopes that coffee will keep me awake enough to manage the drive...and I could probably squeeze two to three loads of laundry in during the day, even if I DID go for lunch...

But I was told specifically *by this friend* that I should manage my expectations better, and isn't expecting to be able to do the laundry, drop the kids, get to lunch, enjoy lunch, pick up the kids, and then have company for dinner just a *little* crazy if I have had no sleep?

And isn't that rather a negative ESFP shadow kind of thing to do? *"acting very impulsively, perhaps starting off more projects than the INTJ could hope to accomplish"*? HA!

Now I'm wondering what extreme stress, fatigue or illness I might be facing. I admit that in my childish happiness I disappointed someone important to me. And there's the gnat. And it's been really hot, so maybe heat stress counts? Or could it just be the drain of always being ON? Why did I agree to have company for dinner tonight...well, I didn't...they asked if we were available and I said yes. That means I won't have tomorrow evening free, so should I close the computer and do the laundry...but the shower sounds really good...but maybe I should e-mail the school and see if I can get Boy enrolled in summer camp after all because I just don't have the energy and inspiration to keep him active all summer and if I'm not taking that afternoon class I really *should* tell the sitter I don't need those hours but I could see if the Spanish class was still open because learning Spanish might help in that job search and if I had a job I might not get myself so overextended by helping others, but isn't that one of the reasons I'm interested in mortuary sciences...to help others in times of chaos and loss? And I really *should* go up into the attic now, while it is cool(er), and see what baby boy clothes I have to offer to another friend in need and I wonder what ShadoKnight did with his daughter's 5T cast-offs and I need to remember to call him about the camping trip this weekend...

Damn it...I'm TIRED! Please...please, can I have the oblivion of sleep???