There is a fun appreciation for this shirt in the polyamory circles. In general, we lighthearted dismiss judgement. How can love be wrong?
But this week has been hard. I have been asked some very pointed questions, and sorting out the answers makes my head ache. Still, I want to share my own interpretation...and perhaps gain some understanding.
It almost seems like you are continually seeking something you can not find. What is it that drives you to constantly seek out new personal and intimate relationships? What is it the you truly seek in all these relationships?
In my own ears, it sounds like an excuse, but we are shaped individually by our early experiences. While my childhood was filled with love and attention, I also learned that nothing is forever. My sister was born when I was two and her life was wrought with health issues. I was often in the care of others because my parents were at the hospital with her. My mother's cancer battles began when I was eight. When I was nine, I dealt with gang-rape, but with my mother in a coma and my father consumed with fear and responsibility, I didn't...couldn't...tell anyone. I was alone, despite all of the people around us and helping us. My mom underwent rounds of surgeries, radiation, chemotherapy. It was ugly and scary, and my father was unable to cope alone and with permission, he sought the company of another woman. My mom lost the war when I was fourteen, and she asked me to deal the final strike. I buried my feelings by assuming the "head of household" role, as my father sank into depression and alcoholism. Beloved "rescued" me, inviting me to marry him, when I was nineteen.
Complicated, eh? Lessons...life is fragile and medicine can't always save you; my needs are not a priority when others are in need; it is crucial to have a network of friends because we can't be everywhere at once; seeking the love and comfort of others is okay; sometimes we face nightmares completely alone, despite all the love and support.
My life with Beloved has been blessed. He has fought to overcome the neuroses with the patience and courage of a saint. He has nourished me, and I have flourished with his attention. And yet...soft smile We would talk about other people, but he was the one who ventured into another relationship first. I'm grateful to the woman he choose, as she was very conscientious and respectful of me, as a person and as Beloved's wife. But what's been done can't be undone. Can it?
what are you running from?
What is there NOT to run away from? On the bad days, I am a murderer and a slut. On the good days, I struggle with a sense of self-worth. The deep, intense need for measurable approval and external reassurance is huge. I cannot fathom the reasons that anyone would want me, in part because I am "damaged goods" in many ways. I do not see the value that others see in me. Then there are the situations when I find myself alone in the crowd, despite my attempts to fit in. If I cannot gain entry into the circle with being myself, what else do I have? If my sex is good enough to steal, is it good enough to buy the love and sense of connection to other people? Does that cheapen my relationships? I ache as I write, but the question is there, and running seems like a good option.
Are you afraid planting roots? Would the comfort of established relationships be such a heavy burden to bear? If so, why?
Yes, I am afraid of planting roots, in part because I do not like who I am. I want to be "better" than the image I have of myself. I want to be "good" and "acceptable" in a crowd, and I am not right now. I loathe the idea that this is what will be every day for the rest of my life. I do not want to feel this way about myself.
But little in my experience has taught me comfort in established relationships. Just this summer, members of my family...people who MATTER to ME...announced their rejection of me. What I thought was "established" turned out to be what I wanted to see. I never knew about the jealousy over my educational pursuits, the disapproval of my parenting style. Top that with the immoral poly lifestyle, and the last straw was drawn. Even within my own family, I am now an outsider.
Beloved remains my hero. In our almost seventeen years together, he has not abandoned me or given up on me. There have been a few painful moments, but when I would run, he has held me tight, kept me safe. My love is so strong that it makes me dizzy.
Then the little demon voice comes whispering. What have I done to be worthy? How long until I screw it up? Or have I already screwed it up? Wouldn't it be better if you just disappeared? What will I do if he leaves me? Who will I turn to then?
I have several relationships that I can turn to, but perhaps that is only because I have not revealed my whole. I have many facets, many faces, and maybe if I don't reveal them...maybe if I can find the one face that you like, then you will accept me and take care of me. That cold pit in the stomach grows with each thought.
Am I fooling anybody, or only myself?
