In Greek mythology, Icarus attempted to escape from Crete by means of wings that his father constructed from feathers and wax. He ignored instructions not to fly too close to the sun, and the melting wax caused him to fall into the sea where he drowned.
I am Icarus today.
It isn't ignoring instructions per se, but today I have flown waaaaay high. It's been building up for the last couple of days, and last night the wave crested. I couldn't get to sleep, and when I DID, I didn't stay asleep. I was up at 5:30am and couldn't get back to DreamTime.
I was productive...I made pancakes and started laundry. When the kids got up, I laughed and played with them. I teased Beloved mercilessly as he walked out the door. I blogged about all the good stuff going on. I got all the gear together that I needed for an afternoon away from home and set off for my 1pm counseling appointment.
It wasn't until my therapist realized that I was cracking her up that something clicked. "I have never seen you like this before. What changed?"
Nothing. No diet changes, no relationship changes, no big breaks in responsibilities. This just is an UP day.
She started quizzing me about all of it. I admitted that there was an edge...that I will crash hard and by Thursday afternoon, I expect to be a complete mess. That is the pattern...every couple of weeks, for about 36 hours, I'm high as a kite. I slip a day later, and then the sleep deprivation catches me and it's utter hell of depression and misery for about 3 or four days before I "normalize" to my typical dysthymic level. It doesn't seem triggered by anything specific, it just happens. It's been happening for years and years.
She got up and got some tests, and while I was doing them, she said, "You even look different...animated."
I scored borderline bipoler.
Duh. I could have told you that. The problem is my UP is extremely short and I don't think any medical professional has really seen one in progress before. Sure, I will TELL them they happen, but the general low is much more familiar, more typical. I don't have a "normal emotional baseline" or something like that. The dysthymia IS accurate, but I do present the hypermanic very briefly before a spectacular crash.
*sigh* I'm still high. Despite being up for 20 hours, running all day, and a hard workout at the gym, I can't relax. I'm writing all of this up and having trouble sitting still. I don't know if I will be able to sleep soon at all.
But tomorrow...and the next day...and the weekend...
*sigh*
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