Complacency

It finally happened! Girl started school!

Part-time, three days a week. Still...there are 3 hours on those three days that I am completely alone. Right now, I am sitting in the window of my bedroom, the sun shining on my back, listening to insect song, and wondering what the hell I do now.

I'm floundering. I guess I kind of expected the first week to be exactly what it has been...relaxing and coming to grips with my lack of direction. I'm starting to come out of the fog, and I don't know which way to go. It's scary.

I have a box of magazines and a poster frame I've intended to use for a vision board. I spent 40 minutes flipping through the glossy pages and cut out exactly 1 thing... a tip for using 3/4 tablet of asprin on my plants to help ward off pests.

My homework assignments from the therapist are to develop a list of 20 things to do as well as 10 date night ideas. I've been putting it off, even avoiding the computer because I can stay off the Internet and not find things to do. HELLO??? What am I doing???

Am I a blank page or am I depressed? Am I overwhelmed or undermotivated? What is it I want? Why is it so hard to answer that question?

I am afraid of failure. I'm afraid to name desires because I know the way to get them is my own hard work and I'm afraid I don't have the determination to achieve them. I don't have enough self-value to even try. Who said, "He who has lost hope has already lost everything"?

The other morning, I was pondering this blog. When I started this journey, it was searching for complaisance and submission to Beloved, Sir, and a few others I have had trials with. I found myself arguing, resenting, and anything BUT complaisant. I thought perhaps it was because my sense of purpose was bigger than one person, that I am servant to a higher calling and seeking to submit to that summons. HA! That sounds rather egotistical right now.

Learning complaisance. Do I need to change the name? Dissolve the blog and start something new? What do I need to learn right now?

I need to learn to be master of myself. To control my thoughts, my actions, my path. To accept the friendship and love that is given freely by Beloved, by my children, by my friends. To love myself.

What word sums all of that up?

I looked up complaisance again, which lead me to complacency; a calm or satisfied feeling about one's self : SELF-SATISFACTION.

So, maybe the title is still accurate after all.