wishing for some magic.

I'm reaching that point where I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired for no "apparent" reason. Yes, I know I'm pregnant, but there is NOTHING redeeming about the situation. No flutters from the baby (who is about the size of a grape right now). No growing belly. No inner glow.

Instead I have dark circles under my eyes, use makeup to cover my pallor, wear 4-5 layers of clothes against a constant chill, and am on my knees before a toilet a few times every day. Today, Beloved did 90% of our "goals list" for the day, and I just feel like a louse.

Much to my chagrin, everyone is so accepting and understanding. Hell, they even make excuses for me to use! Beloved gently told me that if he had to carry Boy around all day, he couldn't get stuff done...why do I try to pretend that I'm any different?

It makes me want to weep...mostly because I am so grateful and needy, and I hate being in this position! I'm the service submissive! I should be the one serving! I want to pretend there's nothing holding me back...that I'm not pregnant...because right now, this really really f-ing SUCKS.

bestest and largest kinky holiday stocking!

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No gnews is good gnews...

Beloved once commented that most blogs, journals, and diaries are only written in when times are not good. If times are good, in general, we're too busy enjoying them to record them. Maybe that's the case. I try to create a balance here...

*shrug*

I really don't have much to say. I'm hanging on. With the pregnancy, I have good days, I have bad days. It's soooo much better than the last pregnancy, but that's little comfort when I'm kneeling in the bathroom. I'd much rather be kneeling somewhere else, and for a VERY different reason!

I've been asked about libido...yes, it's down...way down...which means we're having sex once a week or so. *wry smile*

I don't know that I've mentioned it, but right before I realized the pregnancy, I started dating a guy whom I've really gotten a crush on now. Clockwerk is just plain wonderful, and Beloved loves to tease me about having a boyfriend. Occasionally, the teases are a little edgy...like whether Clockwerk is getting all the GOOD sex... *soft sigh* I suppose there's some truth there, but at least part of that is because I haven't gotten comfortable enough to say "no" yet. At least, not in the moment. We've worked out a number of boundaries and I've warned him when I'm only good for a quiet night, and (lucky me) Clockwerk doesn't push.

My little Princess was out a second time last week and did some of the laundry in addition to chores. I'll have to work on her folding skills, but I'm still happy with how thing are working out on that score.

We're gearing up for holiday celebrations, and I feel a little pressure to get things more in order around here, but so far it hasn't been enough that I'm fretting. If the outside lights don't go up this year, so be it. It's fricken COLD and no one is going to be looking at them anyway. :-P I just need to get them packed back up for next year.

um...I dunno. That's pretty much everything right now. I hope everything is well with you and yours! Happy Yuletide! Happy Hanukhah! Merry Christmas! Happy Kwanzza!

Thank goodness for the sissies!

Life is tough when you are FORCING yourself to get 1000 calories a day into the system. I just don't have much energy, and what I DO have is often given up to Boy. I am blessed with friends and family who have given me "time off" so that I can sleep, and Beloved has been absolutely incredible the last couple of weeks.

Unfortunately, one of the first things that starts to bug me is the state of the house, especially the bathrooms. (Hey, if you were face-in-the-toilet several times a day, you would notice too!) There have been some bitter arguments around the house on this score, and I finally decided to bring someone in.

But what do you do when there is no money to pay for a cleaning service?

Find a sissy maid!

I put up an ad explaining the situation: I was pregnant and needed help around the house. In exchange, I would be willing to help fulfill non-sexual kink fantasies, specifically crossdressing and sissification since those would require little of me than being an audience.

I had more than a dozen applicants, two of which I found very promising. Those, I wrote back and forth with, sorting out exact expectations, explaining that I was "less than glamorous" these days, etc. One, my little Princess, remain enthusiastic and insistent that he wanted to serve. I invited him over last Friday for a trial run.

I am delighted with the results!



My little Princess is 21 and in sheer heaven to be allowed to express her kink openly. She is a wonderful mix of shy modesty and comfortable in her skin. She takes correction well (we had to go over the first bathroom three times before I was satisfied) and offers interesting conversation while working. She has expressed interest in learning/practicing skills, such as ironing (oh thank heaven!) and cooking, and has even said that serving in more vanilla situations would be possible, or perhaps in more formal serving capacities. She wrote me after serving on Friday and said that I am " welcome to interrupt anything, if my service is required". *wry smile* It is a good thing I hold school work to be a high priority!

Even Beloved congratulated me on my stroke of genius on this solution. I'm thrilled!

Random stumblings...

Do you ever feel shocked when you discover someone's professional side in BDSM? I don't mean finding out your co-worker is kinky...*shrug* Good for them! I mean finding out that someone you know in the community is a professional BDSM player.

I suppose it doesn't matter, but it surprised me today.

My body + pregnancy = bad combination

That is pretty much the equation here. I spent the afternoon today in the ER. Yup, I am carrying another child through hyperemesis gravidarum. Yea me. *sigh*

Bright side...
* My suffering of hyperemesis gravidarum means the baby is doing fantastically well.
* I am 10 weeks along, which means I'm 1/4 of the way through. Thirty weeks to go! (pray for me!)

I am pregnant.

Generally, this is a joyful comment, full of excitement and expectation. For me, it is a struggle...not because I dislike children but because my last pregnancy was so bloody awful. Pregnancy for me wasn't merely a "delicate condition" but actually life threatening at times.

Everyone says that maybe this time will be different. I am trying to believe it, but it's hard. I'm in the first-trimester "morning sickness" period, but the nausea never goes away. Already, I'm getting food in by mere will power, and I am getting scolded about how much I eat. I carefully consider how whatever I eat will "revisit" before it goes in my mouth. I find the prospect of food shopping, something I usually enjoy, to be a nightmare. I've already put my cooking magazines away. I admit cold fear that there are thirty-two weeks before I feel well again.

Perhaps the hardest thing to face is how this will affect my service. I don't want to be sick, and thus I pretend to a fault that I am not. I beg for understanding, both of my pride and my struggle.

I have lost my focus and what I wanted to say...or why. I want to cry, and yet...

And yet I wanted this. The tenderness of Boy's cheek pressed against mine; the joyful laughter and the knowing "Ooooohhhhhh!" when he makes a discovery; the sheer awe I feel as I watch him become his own person.

It is a gift. The price is high, but I am not alone in bearing the cost. I need to remember that...now more than ever before. I am pregnant.

breaking news

I know I kinda disappeared for a bit...I've been utterly exhausted. I thought maybe it was the holidays, but guess what?!

I'm pregnant!

I'm about 7 weeks along. So far, I've only had nausea and my fingers are crossed that it doesn't flip over into hyperemesis. I'm not sure how much I'll be up for, but I'll keep you up to date as best I can.

My sister's bellydance troop...We're going to see her perform on Saturday!

I'm Getting My Act Together and Taking It on the Road

The soundtrack to this Broadway musical was played regularly when I was growing up. I've had different kinds of appreciation for the story over the years, but right now, it's echoing rather hollowly for me...

That phone just keeps on ringing
And somebody's at my door.
I feel all pulled to pieces,
Can't find inspiration anymore.
So many people leaning on me,
I'm getting run in to the ground.
Everybody's wanting something from me
And there's not enough of me to go around...

Got a thousand notes to myself,
Need a shovel to dig me out.
Got a pile of unanswered letters,
I've forgot what they're about.
And somebody wants his supper fixed,
And somebody wants some love.
And there's just no time to write a song
To say what I'm thinking of...

All I need is a little room,
A place that is fine and free.
A room where I can think to myself,
Where nobody's needing me.
And I will find my way again,
And I will sing my song.
And I'll find the joy again,
It comes when I'm feeling strong.

I suppose it's e-mail as well as the phone, and it's the blog rather than a song...but the sentiment is the same. There are a bunch of things I'd like to blog about...my service of the DOM on Monday, my thoughts on submission and the importance of self-sacrifice, the surprise and honor of having a Lady request my services at her home, the challenges I'm facing with my two-year-old UberDom... I just never have the time any more.

On the one hand, I am flattered and floored by the esteem and requests I have received. On the other...quite honestly, I'm just overwhelmed.

Isn't it ironic...

For Boy's 2nd birthday, we took down the crib and gave him a "big boy" bed with Thomas sheets and a tent. He really likes his bed, but he also hasn't slept through the night in three weeks. I've been on the brink of exhaustion and/or tearing my hair out.

Tonight, he's sleeping. Guess who's not.

little power trip...

I was once offered a job by the man who was elected the 44th President. That's just kinda cool.

Confused, angry, and grateful

I've mentioned that I have childhood rape in my past...sometimes it get triggered. Last night was one of those.

After getting Boy to bed, Beloved asked what I wanted to do...go to bed, play a game, or get the spanking I deserved. I didn't answer but cuddled up and when Beloved said we should go upstairs, I snagged the toybag...

I stripped down and assumed the "Preen" pose while Beloved opened the bag and started to get things out. He began caressing me, biting my neck, cuffed my wrists...I begged to put my arms down, and he denied me. I could feel my fingertips going numb and my arms were shaking when he finally grabbed the cuffs and pulled me to the beg, I was so relieved!

He continued to warm my skin and then began spanking me. First time in months, literally. I struggled to submit, to not cry, to accept the spanking and give in...but I found myself focusing elsewhere...specifically, could I feel my rings on my my left hand? Could I ignore the bigger sensations in favor of that tiny pressure?

Beloved began flogging me, then, and it got harder. Focus shifted to the cuffs, the warmth around my wrists, the loose thread on the right cuff. Beloved flogged my shoulders and it was LOUD right next to my ears. I bit into the blanket beneath me, wanting to be "good" and give Beloved his spanking...

"You're all warmed up...maybe we should try out some of our new toys."

I'd put in an order at Iron Rose, since they are closing their doors. Beloved selected the mini slapper, and told me to life my right foot. That stung, but it wasn't terrible. Balancing on that foot while he beat the left foot was harder. I don't think he was all that impressed with that, though, because he put it aside.

"Let's try the one you're really excited about."

The Wartenberg wheel. I wouldn't say that was the one I was most excited about, but so many people have mentioned it, I was curious. He started on my shoulders, rolling down over my very sensitive bum, across my thighs. I couldn't "escape" anymore...I was wincing and flinching with every prick. Beloved kept saying how he loved my reactions. He had me flip over on my back and began playing the wheel over my breasts and chest. I whined and whimpered when he rolled over my nips, and he laughed at how hard they were. He started to play across my face...the wheel over my lips was torture...

Then he began inching lower...across my belly and he told me to spread my legs. I was trembling but obeyed. Beloved played the wheel over my lips, and then reached inside. I felt mild panic, but swallowed and squeezed my eyes shut, breathing. That lasted until Beloved ran the wheel over my C-section scar.

I have no idea how to explain, but the panic was intense. It wasn't Beloved, but a surgeon and I was trapped...afraid to move but unable to contain my thrashing. Beloved backed off that pretty quick, but I was shivering...

Beloved leaned down and began gently lapping at my pussy. He played with me, and then spread me open and began tongue-fucking me. The particular method is pretty new to us, and he told me to play with my clit while he buried his face in my wetness. I was spiraling upward, and he started using his finger instead of his tongue.

I began to lose control, the orgasm building. Beloved's moans and soft encouragements heightened the moment, and suddenly I was cumming HARD. It was amazing! I was so drifty, floaty... I withdrew my hand...

Beloved pushed my open again, diving down on my clit, pressing his fingers in deep. It hurt...I wasn't ready, being way sensitive. The floating feeling disappeared instantly, and suddenly the panic was back. I pushed him away, but he only pressed harder. I covered my eyes, but couldn't keep the tears back. I began sobbing and shaking...

Beloved gathered me in his arms, whispering that I was okay. He pet my hair, kissed my cheek, let me curl on my side and rock slightly. I came back slowly, but was still lost. What had happened???

"I think we triggered a rape moment. That's awesome."

Awesome? Awesome that my orgasms are tied up with such crap??? The hatred and despair I felt was ugly. Those six boys destroyed me, and twenty years later, I'm still trapped by them.

"No...but every time we find one of your triggers, we lance the wound a little more. You are freer each time."

*deep sigh* He's amazing. He cleaned up the toys while I pulled on jammies and then he tucked me into bed. I slept almost immediately, forever grateful that I'm his and he takes such care with me.

Pictures...and more pictures

So I promised pictures of my hair....




and for waiting so patiently, here are a few bonuses from Halloween.

Rock Star and Pirate



Sidney Bristow







Beloved just HAD to have me. Twice, he had me on my knees, red lips wrapped around his cock. *grin* Go head...use your imagination.

The outfit is sure to become one of my play outfits...although I wonder how well it will work when I lose the hair color.

Meme stolen from pinkroses

10 Favorites:
Favorite Colors: Green and Purple
Favorite Food: bao
Favorite Band/Singer: Johnny Clegg
Favorite Song: hard to say
Favorite Movie: Labyrinth
Favorite Sport: Volleyball
Favorite Season: Spring? I think...
Favorite Day Of the Week: seriously don't have one
Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Cookie dough
Favorite Time of Day: whenever it is that I finally escape for a shower

9 Currents:
Current Mood: tired
Current Taste: eclectic
Current Clothes: fleece jacket, turtle neck, jeans, fuzzy socks (it's getting cold)
Current Desktop Picture: Boy on the park slide
Current Toenail Color: N/a
Current Time: 8:15 pm
Current Surroundings: Great Room
Current Annoyance(s): cold toes
Current Thought: I should be carving pumpkins...

8 Firsts:
First Best Friend: Naomi
First Kiss: Mike
First Screen Name: Katt
First Pet: A dog named Sandy
First Piercing: Ears when I was 8
First Crush: Chris
First Music You Remember Hearing: Mom's singing to me
First Car: 1988 Toyota Celica

7 Lasts:
Last Cigarette: Never smoked
Last Drink: Iced tea
Last Car Ride: This afternoon with Boy
Last Kiss: Beloved, when he left for work
Last Movie Watched: Bob the Builder - Celebrate with Bob (yup, I'm a mom)
Last CD Played: Lost Boys soundtrack
Last Pee: a couple of hours ago

6 Have You Evers:
Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Friends: Yes...and married him, too!
Have You Ever Broken the Law: yup
Have You Ever Been Arrested: nope
Have You Ever Skinny-Dipped: yup
Have You Ever Been on TV: yup
Have You Ever Been Drunk: a few times

5 Things:
5 Things You’re Wearing: black fleece, white turtle neck, white nursing bra, blue jeans, white cotton panties
5 Things You Can’t Live Without: water, food, air, warmth, cuddles
5 Things You Can Hear Right Now: Bob the Builder, Javu snoring, silvara typing, ummmm...it's pretty quiet at the moment
5 Things You Hate: being engorged, okra, cold toes, Beloved working long hours, Boy being sick

4 places:
4 Places You’ve Been: Great Barrier Reef, Great Wall of China, Great Continental Divide, all five Great Lakes

3 People You Can Tell Anything To: Beloved, my sister, and...ummmmmmm....

2 Choices:
Black or White: Black
Hot or Cold: Cold

1 Thing You Want to Do Before you Die: Visit Bali

I'm going PURPLE!

*laughs* So a dozen attempts later, I have found a place near home that will dye my hair outrageous colors...specifically PURPLE! I'm geeked and freaked at the same time.

Photos will be forth coming...

Don't look...don't see...

There are a thousand snippets running through my head, but I don't feel collected enough to sort them into anything. I'm upset and a little freaked out right now.

What the hell are you supposed to do when someone you know only in cyberspace, only through a blog, is writing about her multiple suicide attempts this WEEK??? She's mixing meds and alcohol, hoping it will stop her breathing. She's taking a whole bottle of pills and winding up with cramps and jitters and a whole lot of FAILURE in her head. Now she's researching something else....

Yes, I posted a comment, but WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO???????? I don't even know her NAME for certain. I feel there's a caged bird in my chest beating frantically against my ribs. I feel awful and sick and scared.

Pukey sick...

First it was Boy, and that was distressing. All day Tuesday, I did laundry and worried because juice and water wasn't staying down. We got through that, but last night it was MY turn. And silvara's turn. And boy oh boy, it was not a fun night!

*sigh* The scary part for me is that it was like a sneak peak of what would happen if I got hyperemesis again when I get pregnant. I only puked like five times last night. At the height of my troubles with Boy, it was more like fifteen times. The thought is terrifying, and insane...cause by the time I was heading to the bathroom for the fourth round, I was thinking, "Okay....been here, done that and survived. Maybe I CAN do this..."

*rolls eyes* For those who don't know, last time, my HG lasted seven very long months, and I didn't have a two year old to chase around. I must be fricken insane.

Haircut

Thought I'd share my new look...

Drawing to conclusions

Last night, Beloved and I attended Mistress Thorny Rose's play party gala. MTR's dungeon is incredible! Two walls were lined with floggers, ranging from natural horsehair to leather to rubber to chain. She had four craft storage dressers carefully labeled and sorted for smaller toys, and two large garbage cans were used to store the thumpy things. There were eight installations, including a suspension rig that they had modified the ceiling for. I was impressed and a little overwhelmed.

There were eight or ten D/s couples, all of whom were heavily into the SM portion of bdsm. Nearly everyone was a heavy chain-smoker, too, and that was hard to take. There was a lot of friendly banter and teasing, but I felt incredibly out of place. I got Beloved drinks and rubbed his feet, but there really wasn't any SERVICE I could provide. He gave me an incredible backrub (thank you thank you thank you) and had me preen for another Dom, but other than that, the teases went no where.

There were two scenes in the dungeon before some needle play was started... *frowns* I don't get it. It certainly didn't gross me out, but it wasn't erotic to me either. Master J put twenty needles into the girl's breasts, slapped them a bunch, and then pulled them out. The whole scene was maybe forty-five long. *shrug* I guess I lack the appreciation for it.

As that scene was cleaned up, Beloved launched into teasing me again, having me pull up my shirt so he could put some silly clamps on my nips. Due to my not nursing for two days, I was tender but steadfast as he pulled on the clamps and "showed off" a bit for MTR. But that was it. He took the clamps off and turned to watch as Master R launched into a spanking scene with another girl. Beloved had said he wanted to see j naked, so I wandered off in search of something to do, feeling let down and lost.

In the kitchen, I found the sink full of dishes, and I started washing. It was SOMETHING I could do to be helpful and submissive. Two of the other submissives came over and said "oh sweetie, you don't have to do that" and I felt like I was treading on toes, but I said I really didn't mind at all and they left me to the few plates left. I wandered in and checked with Beloved, but when he mentioned to MTR that we needed to bow out, MTR pouted and asked if we couldn't stay another 15-20 minutes longer so she could finish the scene she was about to begin. Beloved graciously said of course we could, and I felt myself slipping.

I hung on him for a few minutes as he talked to MTR's switch-boy, but there was nothing for me there. I retreated to a corner, trying to gain my focus and balance. When another sub asked if I was okay, I lost it. Beloved found mein the corner, head bowed, tears coursing down my face. I felt worthless, embarassed, and all I wanted to do was run!

Beloved talked me down for a little while, and then MTR came and talked to us both, reassuring me that I was among friends, that sometimes things got a little freaky (was NOT the problem and I tried to reassure her I wasn't that squimish), and that it was all about being who we ARE.... I managed to explain that I simply felt out of place and that I hadn't had any service to offer, and she smiled, saying maybe next time she'd make sure there was something for me to do.

Beloved talked to me for another twenty minutes or so in the car, making sure I really was okay, before we set off for home. We got in about midnight and showered together. Coming back to the bedroom, Beloved laid me down and make love to me, warm and passionate. We slept cuddled up next to each other all night.

Despite how the party ended for us, I'm kinda glad we went. I am very sure that I do not have a place among the SM-ers. Sensual and service submission are really where I flourish. I can TAKE a beating...it might even be something I beg for from time to time...but that's just not the lifestyle I am comfortable with. Luckily for me, it doesn't seem to be where Beloved wants to put his focus either.

What does that mean for "Learning complaisance"? I'm not sure. I know I am still learning and so I will continue to use this space for my thoughts and triumphs and tears, but I don't know that many folks will find it INTERESTING. *shrug* I guess that's not my problem, though. So long as Beloved is content, I need to let go of my worries about anyone else...

And now, back to our regular conflict....

*sigh* yup. I'm stuck again, and it's only been a fricken week! How do you like that?

Let's see...updates. Tuesday, September 30th, Beloved and Halder hosted a Dominants Only Meeting (DOM as I call it). Mylie and I worked for several hours to get the house in order and I made a big dinner for the gathering of 11. Me being me, it wasn't perfect, I didn't get everything done that I had hoped, blah blah blah...Everyone else said it was all fabulous, including Dominants I've never met. *grimaces* Why why why can't I accept that? What will it take for me to really believe that I've done a good job? It HURTS inside...I'm never going to be enough, no matter what anyone says...

Regardless of that little tangent, the DOM was successful enough that they want to meet again, perhaps for demonstrations and hands-on experiences. There's interest in having submissives attend, too, and...Suddenly I feel like there are 11 Dominants asking *me* to organize something that I have no control over. How can I keep the DOM an open group, limited to 20 or less, and have submissives present? If each of the original attending Dominants bring one submissive, that's already 22 people... Then I start worrying about food and directing other submissives and I want to throw my hands up and run away screaming....

Oh...right. Another tangent. heh. Sorry about that. Back to the updates.

On Thursday, Beloved, Halder, and I played Lunar Rails. As a joke, I said we should wager because I was going to win. The guys accepted (my heart's desire was for Photoshop to be installed on my computer) and I trounced them. (Beloved laughed and said if he'd known how important Photoshop was to me, all I had to do was ask.) I felt guilty about it, and said something to the effect of, Would it be better if I got naked? Beloved said EVERYTHING is better when I'm naked, so in total jest, I stripped in the kitchen. Halder was in the next room (no doors) and had started to work on my computer. I'd sort of intended to make Beloved blush and laugh and pull my clothes on again.

Before I knew what was going on, Beloved had me leaning on the counter, back arched, and he was spanking me. It was a scene. Inside, I struggled something fierce! It was the first time since Cole that we'd scened with anyone present. It was the first time in over a month that we'd scened at all. It wasn't planned, it wasn't something I was ready for...I'm not even sure it was...IS...something I liked.

After the spanking, Beloved shooed me upstairs and fucked me hard. I did enjoy that very much, thank you, although the begging and fighting felt very forced on my side. It wasn't something *I* would have done, but I felt it was expected. *frowns*

Afterwards, I got up to thank Halder for working on my computer, and Beloved scolded me for not calling him "Sir", making me go back and thank him again properly. I almost never call Halder "Sir" and it was very awkward to knock on his door and explain that I had to thank him again...
I crawled into bed next to Beloved, who had turned off the lights and was under the blankets, ready for sleep. I rolled over to put on some chapstick and got scolded for not asking...that I should check to make sure Beloved was done with my lips before applying goop. I apologized and got scolded for calling Beloved "Sir" (I'm not "Sir" to you...I'm Beloved or I'm Master.). I wanted to cry. Instead I spent a restless couple of hours warring with what had happened. Was the scene over, or would the high protocol continue in the morning? What was expected? Was everything changing on me again???

I was starting to get comfortable with the idea that I am a service submissive, that I don't have to compete with submissives online who post bruised up pictures because that's not where my submission lies. *soft sigh* Now, I'm confused again.

I think I hate my submission.


I've thought about it for an hour (yeah, it's now 4 am...WTF) and it's not that I hate my submission. It's that I want someone to turn off my brain and just tell me what to do. I don't want to fight it, I don't want to feel like I'm not doing it well enough, I just want to BE. Just for a few moments, I want to float on the top of the water and not struggle against the current. I want to submit.

Happiness is...

Are you bored with life?
Then throw yourself into some work you believe in with all your heart; live for it, die for it, and you will find happiness that you had thought could never be yours.
~ Dale Carnegie

Dale captures my feelings of service submission perfectly. It is my passion to be of service to Beloved, to my family, to my household, to my friends, to my community. My rewards are the smiles and appreciation, a full house of love and laughter, and general improvement in our quality of life.

It does require submission though. There are plenty of days when I'd rather do XYZ. It's knowing that ABC are expected, required, appreciated that helps me get through each day. When Beloved gives specific tasks for LMN, I look forward to wowing him when he gets home in the evening. The smile, the kisses, the praise is enough to send this pixie dancing with delight.

That has become the new pattern. Since limiting my regular chores, Beloved has given me time to do other tasks that get neglected otherwise. I am beginning to understand his wisdom in the decision to make me STOP cleaning. I organized the silverware drawer, got work done on the garden, and cleared the foyer. I'm hoping to get things like organizing the library and the cubby in the basement soon, too...although those will be good rainy day or winter tasks...

So simple, so easy, so submissive. I'm grateful for my collar!

Isn't it ironic...

Beloved has actually FORBIDDEN me to clean the house.

Okay...lemme backtrack a bit. Yesterday, I had a meltdown. *wry smile* Yeah, I have them a lot, don't I?

For the last week, I have been running Boy hard in the mornings in the hopes that he would take a good nap in the afternoons, letting me get some of my own time. It hasn't been working too well...Boy catches a 30 minute nap on the ride home and doesn't go back to sleep, which means I'm going and going and going...
Add to that, I haven't been getting enough sleep, and I'm already edgy.

I always try to do a few chores every day to try to keep up with the house. Grab a few minutes during a video to clean the bathroom, let Boy "help" me wash the kitchen, and the trash HAS to go out every Tuesday, regardless of whateverelse is going on. *shrug* I just don't have the luxury of a DAY I can clean...Boy is not cooperative with that, and I certainly don't expect Beloved to do mundane chores! So, this has been my coping mechanism for two years.

Except, now, we have roommates.

That's supposed to make things easier, right? More people to divide the chores, right?

Our roommates have different habits and don't have children. Leaving everything to one day worked for them in their own place, and they want to continue that pattern now.

On top of that, things pile up in the foyer, in the hallway, around the house. Things I don't know what to do with. Things I don't want responsibility for. Things that others insist on taking care of themselves...later. I can't say I'm not included...I contribute plenty to the STUFF that needs to go somewhere else to be put away. My complaint is when I AM putting stuff away and I get stalled by others' stuff.

Yesterday, we had company coming over after dinner. Naturally, I wanted the first floor at least to look good. I'd done the dusting and cleaned the kitchen thoroughly on Wednesday. My plan for Thursday was to come home from playgroup with Boy and take care of the first floor bathroom as well as the sweep/mop of the floors, and make dinner..

I got home, and Mylie had checked off the bathroom. Awesome! One less thing I had to do! I got Boy done for a nap, got dinner started, and had to pee. The bathroom had bits of toliet paper on the floor (remember, Boy is not quite two...he is potty training and likes toliet paper), hair stuck on the side of the sink, and just wasn't DONE the way I would have done it.

Following the request of her Master, I directed my concern to alder rather than her. He said he'd talk to her about it. Fine. I also asked what was to be done with their bags in the hallway, as Beloved had specifically asked me that the hallway be cleared. Instead of a direct "put them here" I was told to leave them for later. Okay...I was frustrated, but okay.

I started working on the sweeping just as Boy woke up. He was in a whining/tantruming mood. It grated on my frayed nerves. Company was coming in two hours, Beloved would be home in an hour, and NOTHING was done to perfection. (oh, I'm pmsing, too.) I put Boy on my bed, dragged the camping gear into the attic, get scratched on nails Beloved had left exposed for two years, and broke down.

I yelled a Boy, picking him up and putting him in front of the television. I called Beloved and said I just couldn't do it and I was going to cancel the gathering...he said not to, so I yelled at him. I cried and screamed that I wasn't getting help, that I couldn't do it all, that I just want some time to myself...!

Beloved told me to calm down, he was on his way home, everything would be fine... Beloved's mother arrived about the same time and distracted Boy, and I think Mylie had gotten scolded because she did a quick redo of the bathroom before disappearing again. Halder called me and began saying we should revisit the chores, that I didn't have to worry about all of it...

I broke into tears again and said I would talk about it later. I escaped to the bedroom and cried. I felt worthless, bratty, and like a complete failure. Beloved works and provides for us, and "all" I have to do is take care of Boy and the house. (Yes, I know that's not a small job, but 1950s wives make it look so fucking easy!) I can't keep my side of the bargin, I can't stop the meltdowns, I can't take care of anything. I don't deserve Beloved's collar, let alone his patience and praise!

I managed to calm down enough to write an apology to Halder and Mylie as well as Beloved before curling up and crying myself into exhaustion.

Beloved and Halder got home...I guess they'd talked on the phone the whole commute about what to do with the tears at home...and Beloved woke me. There was still enough time to clean up, get dressed, and even eat before our guests arrived...

We played Cranium and had a good time. I laughed and was able to pretend it was all okay. After everyone left and Boy was to bed, I went to finish folding laundry. Beloved, Halder, and Mylie were laughing downstairs. Once again, I was the only one seeing work that had to be done...There was NO WAY I was going downstairs. I didn't want to fall apart again.

Beloved finally came up and noted my sullen demeanor. He talked about the new rules regarding chores. He explained that each couple had different ways of handling chores (duh) and that while he was very happy with how I've been keeping the house, it wasn't working out well for everyone.

So, I've been told to change. I am now ONLY ALLOWED to do six chores a week, not counting cooking and cleaning. If I do cook, I am NOT ALLOWED to take care of the dishes, I'm to just let them pile up in the sink. If the other chores don't get done until the end of the week, I am to ignore them.

Do you have any idea how hard and harsh that is???? Boy and the house are my last responsibilities, and now I'm being told I can't even take care of the house the way I would like to. I feel sick inside.

what's new with me?

Not too much that is terribly exciting. Boy is down for the first nap in over a week, so I thought I'd log in and let people know that

1) I haven't gone totally insane.
2) I haven't sold Boy to the Gypsies (yet)
3) I did survive TENT CAMPING with Boy and Beloved over the weekend (it was a lot of fun, despite the intense lack of sleep)

Probably the most interesting tidbit I can offer is that I...er, the household... will be "interviewing" a houseboy on Saturday. He's older, submissive, and looking to serve (as opposed to sex). I'm already tabulating the chores I've put off and off and off...you know, things like washing the tops of the kitchen cabinets. *shrug* It needs to be done since the cobwebs are showing, but I just always find something BETTER to do, and I don't think Beloved's even noticed. *wry smile* In general, my tolerance for clutter and crud is much lower than anyone else's around here.

Other things on the docket... The Dominates' Only Meeting is next Tuesday. There are 12 Dom/mes planning on attending. I'm getting a little nervous about getting the house in order, but hey...if things work out with the houseboy, maybe I'll conscript him for a few hours early Tuesday.

Beloved and I have also been invited to a formal bdsm gala, complete with a service dinner and play party afterwards. To say I have butterflies in my stomach is an understatement! I haven't played with Beloved, let alone in public, in months now. It's all been a focus on service. I'm sure it will be fun, and I'm thrilled and flattered to have gotten the invitation. My focus will be showing off for Beloved...from there, the rest should come naturally.

Mommahood Challenged

I wish I had something interesting to write. Instead, I'm writing to whine. You can pretty much just ignore the post, because I know it's just a stage and it's normal and that I am loved...but I just wanna get it off my chest.

Boy is just about two years old. He's smart, he's inquisitive, he's talkative and understands even more, and he is willful and stubborn. *sigh* The T. Twos have hit.

On the one hand it's Terrific Twos, because he's learning so much. We play with trucks and trains and draw pictures (the favorite right now is series of parallel lines). We read books and try on costume hats. He helps with small chores around the house (he's in charge of feeding the cats and fish as well as picking up toys). It's awesome and Beloved and I have been so encouraged, we've actually considered a second child reasonably seriously.

On the other hand, it's Terrible Twos, because anything that isn't his way is a fight. It takes a half hour to get boy dressed, either because he's picking out a shirt or because you have to wrestle him into a shirt he doesn't want. We can't get out of the house on time ever because it's a fight to get shoes on and then another fight about getting in the car. Nap and bedtimes are fights, even though I've tried to keep him on schedule. I'm relieved that we haven't filled out paperwork for insurance and assume we aren't pregnant.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for planning to go out and having the constant power-struggle exhaust my enthusiasm for the adventure out. All I want to do is to take a vacation from being a Momma. A few days to immerse myself in selfish sleep and adult activities and come home and have Boy run to me and hug me the way he does with Dada. All I want is to know that Boy loves me, too.

Business Trip irritations

Beloved goes on business trips. It's just a part of the job at this point (I still think it's pretty cool that the company taps him for representation though). I am beginning to settle into it and Boy is even seeming to understand that Papa goes on an airplane and will be gone for a little while. We look at a lot of photos of Papa and are starting to count days...although I don't think Boy really understands what a "day" is yet.

The irritation comes in with my efforts to DO things for Beloved while he is gone. This time, it's finishing the bathroom. Other projects included things like the library, major car maintenance, etc. I love knowing that I can offer such services and make homecoming all the better for him!

At the same time...*sigh* I'm too ambitious. That's the basic issue. I DID finish the bathroom and took care of several little tasks Beloved ask for. I also got some help and have the carpentry work DONE on the front porch. I did NOT organize the tools, get the broken windows taken care of, return some tools to a friend, or get books up in the library.

Beloved is due home in 24 hours, and I'm wondering how I can squeeze MORE into the last day I have and get the house clean....

*wry smile* anyone have a sledge hammer handy? I think this girl needs some sense knocked into her!

Enneagram

Your Enneagram type is TWO - the Helper

Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.

How to Get Along with Me
* Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
* Share fun times with me.
* Take an interest in my problems, even if I try to focus on yours.
* Let me know that I am important and special to you.
* Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships
* Reassure me that I am interesting to you.
* Reassure me often that you love me.
* Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a TWO
* being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
* knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
* being generous, caring, and warm
* being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
* being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What's Hard About Being a TWO
* not being able to say no
* having low self-esteem
* feeling drained from overdoing for others
* not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
* criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
* being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tune in to them
* working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

TWOs as Parents
* are good listeners, love their children unconditionally
* warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)
* are often playful with their children
* wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?"


Sometimes when I take these silly personality tests, I'm annoyed at how accurate they are. This does describe me pretty well...and covers the underlying draw I have towards submission as well as why it's not working out so well for me...

We are shaped by our thoughts;
we become what we think.
When the mind is pure, joy follows
like a shadow that never leaves.
~Buddha

It's amazing to me how many enlightened spiritualists have thoughts that lend themselves so well to M/s relationships. I like the gentle reminders that there is peace and joy in submission.

Another week...

So we dropped Beloved off at the airport yesterday...he will be gone for the whole week in order to present his work in Las Vegas. *wry smile* There was plenty of ribbing about what ELSE he might do there. Actually, I am hoping he finds some time to have fun. Penn & Teller do a show out there, or Blue Man Group, or something more burlesque...

I've lined up some help with house projects. Finishing the bathroom, tool organization, maybe getting some other things done. I'm not planning on killing myself the way I did in May, but I do want to wrap some stuff up for Beloved.

I got word that I was accepted for the Submissive Journey Weekend along with Youko. I just have to have some patience for a month until we get our registration packets.

A BIG question has come up, as well. September is the add period for Beloved's company's insurance...we are contemplating it as the next step for a second child. It's a scary thought. What about the hyperemesis? Do I do another C-section or try for the natural birth? How can I pretend I can keep up with Boy while carrying a baby? Am I really ready to return to the sleep deprivation that newborns bring? Another 2-3 YEARS of diapers??? *sigh* Well, we have until the 29th to finish the papers and get them turned in by the 30th.

D.O.M. - Doms-Only Meeting

There is talk of setting up a Doms-Only Meeting. It is really just a night of discussion and camaraderie among inexperienced Tops/Dominants, a chance to how to ask questions without losing the dominant status in front of your bottom/sub, to talk about who trains the trainer, and to discuss things that have come up in play. I'm hoping to get the "oh, geez, you have that problem too?!?!" experience going, although I am also hoping that one or two experienced Dominants will be present to help answer questions...

I would like to be rather strict about the Doms-ONLY part, though. Please leave your {submissive, bottom, toy, pet} at home (or send them out, if you are hosting). If you don't identify as a Dominant or Top, you are probably receiving this because I know you and not your partner. Please share if you think he/she would be interested.

Nothing formal has been set up...no dates, times, etc.... Space is somewhat limited (10-15 participants) at our current host-offer in Aurora, IL so I am merely trying to find out how many are interested in attending at this point. Please let me know...

in service,

pixie mischief

Long-term

Long term success is not an event...
it is a process that will have peaks and valleys along the way.
~ David Cotrell

There are many ways that quote applies right now. Beloved is going to have a hard week getting ready for a national conference (and week-long business trip) next week. Probably some late nights, high stress, bummer times for us, but it's part of getting to the point of success.

I had a couple of low weeks, ducked out of submission for a while, and I feel like I'm starting all over again, but this time I have a year of experience, good and bad, to work with. Yesterday, I turned in my application for the Submissive Journey Weekend 2009 and I know at least one other person has applied that I know in real life. I'm nervous and excited and it's 8 months away.

Boy has reached the age of "Mine! No!" and the day-to-day of it is weary work. It is a stage we all went through, one that will pass, one that will help establish his sense of self, independence, and uniqueness...but there are going to be tears in the process...mine AND his.

The bathroom shower is back in working order *crosses fingers* after the discovery of a leak on Saturday. One wall has to be remade and the trim...but it's another project we can pretty much check off the list.

Long-term. Years. Up and down, but forward progress. Just can't forget that...you're not STUCK in a valley...you just have to find the right path back up.

Roommates

It seems that everyone wants to know how the roommate thing is working out. It's an odd question to me...In the 13 years of our marriage, Beloved and I have lived "just the two of us" just over 4 years...and THAT is in 3 different pieces. Having roommates is just a part of our lives.

Halder and Mylie are pretty cool to have around. There is a flurry of activity in the morning as we all get ready for our day. The men leave between 8-8:30 am, Mylie heads up to log-in and get to her work, and Boy and I go about our plans for the day. We reconvene in the evenings...6:30-ish or later...and have a sit-down dinner, clean the kitchen up, play games with Boy or each other. Boy goes down at 9 pm and there's an hour or two that the couples break off for our own quiet time before sleep and starting over.

We have a chores list up on the fridge that helps make sure everything is done around the house, and not just by one person. Mylie and I go back and forth on meal preparation. Halder and Mylie have been absolute godsends a few times when they have offered to watch Boy while I catch up on stuff. *shrug* It works out.

I'm certain that there are things Beloved and I do that drive them nuts, and there are a few things about Halder and Mylie that we just don't understand, but so far, none of it has been a problem enough to mention it.

*chuckles* Given the theme of my blog, however, perhaps that isn't quite what you, my dear reader, are so interested in. If it is wild sex and crazy play, I'm afraid you will continue to be disappointed. There has been a lot of teasing, but none of the actual play has crossed over between couples. There haven't been any public punishments and the only nudity has been on casual accident or the fact that I'm still nursing. The D/s is openly talked about and referenced, but it isn't shared.

Maybe part of that has been my own wavering disposition on the subject...or maybe part of that is that our style and their style are different and don't neatly mesh...or maybe it's simply been 17 days and that isn't enough time to develop the comfortability to play. Whichever.

We may be starting up with hosting an event or two soon...in that case, perhaps, you will have more satisfaction from this blog. I'll dangle the carrot a while and see.

Flying

The skydiving experience was intense, both on the ground and in the air.



Boy and Beloved practicing on the cement.




Flying from 14,000 feet

Contrary to others' comments, Beloved did not bound off the field ready to go again, but he was exhilarated to have done it. According to him, it was more of a spinny-ride than anything, and I might really enjoy it. Who knows...I *might* go next time.

Nothing else matters

It has been a difficult time. The challenges of D/s, roommates, issues with my doctor, Boy being sick, summer tensions. I've all over the place. One minute I'm laughing, the next I'm in tears. Last minute, I considered taking a guitar class, and in an epiphany, decided that dropping a bunch of stuff to pick up a bunch of new stuff was insanely stupid. I have been taking everything on board when what I need to do is slow down.

I can't tell is Mylie is teasing or annoyed when she says I don't know how to relax. I only know she's right. I think I lost that particular knowledge some time in the seventh grade when my mom was dying. If I work harder, I can ignore all the chaos around me.

Beloved has been very gentle with me. Sometimes, I make it hard for him to love me when I needed it the most...and this time, he's pretty much ignored that, even bringing me roses.

Last night, we played a game of RoboRally, just the two of us. We did a bit of final pick-up and found ourselves working together in the bathroom...the one that has been gross and embarrassing since we moved in. Thanks to the help of Halder and Mylie, it's been turned around, and we were putting some almost-last-steps up...a shower curtain, towel paper holder, paint touch-ups. We worked until 12:30 am and were rewarded with the first shower in two weeks this morning.

This afternoon, the house was quiet, and Beloved and I were lying naked in bed, just talking. Some intimate conversation, whispered secrets, shared lusts to entwine us, and I feel okay again. Not quite balanced, but closer to it. We reached another level of understand between each other. He told me that he wanted it all, all the love and all emotions, all of me. That there was no need to crawl back into D/s, that we could allow it to creep back into us.

It's funny...I'm not really a Metallica fan, but right now, it's their lyrics that are just plain right.

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I dont just say
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play
Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
And I know

So close no matter how far
Couldnt be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
No nothing else matters

Best. Wife. Ever.

*grin*

That was Beloved's response to my offer to set up a skydiving appointment for him this Sunday. He's been wanting to go for years, got talked out of it by others last year, and now has a friend who will go with him. So....

*deep breath* Boy and I will either go out to the field and watch, or hide at home. I'm leaning towards the former, though...I wanna see his face when he gets back to earth.

re: Slave Wanted

Hello Master Saul,

I received your advertisement a few days ago, and I thought I should answer. I'm sorry that it has been a difficult to sort thoughts out in my head, but I think I finally have a grasp on my desire. By writing this, I rescind my safeword, although I would like to continue to discuss the relationship as we have been.

I am a bisexual woman with submissive leanings. Many have said that I am cute and beautiful, and I try to be appealing. I am 32 years old, 5'4" and 185 lbs.

Although there are particular kinds of pain that I enjoy, I am not a glutton for punishment. I have been marked up before and I do not enjoy beatings taken to that level. I am far more interested in the sensual play that you mentioned in your ad. I have enjoyed being bathed and thoroughly rubbed out after a long day. I also enjoy giving physical care and attention to my Master. Intense studies of the body fascinate me.

I am a skilled cook, experienced in housekeeping and home accounting, and continue to practice parenting. I am also spirited and teasing, and I do not wish to surrender that to anyone. It is very important to me that I be allowed to play and laugh and dance. I also wish my Master to understand that while I may not always submit gracefully or without complaint, I will do my best to fulfill your requests...eventually.

Speaking to your specific points:

- I enjoy sex. I also enjoy flirting, cyber play, and have polyamorous tendencies. I do not have a problem with expressing my enjoyment of my Master, but being denied would be very challenging to me and has lead to resentment in the past.

- In general, I am very susceptible to disappointment-punishment. I strive to please, to go beyond expectation. The physical punishments that I have received have not really helped me grow and learn from my mistakes, while the explanation of my failure and clear disappointment of my Master has wounded me severely.

- Fellatio is an art form worthy of perfection. I will not claim to have mastered all of the nuances, but I do believe I am skilled.

- Social service is natural to me. I enjoy searching out events and opportunities, hosting guests, and sharing knowledge. I would be happy to be of service to you in this way.

- I am a little concerned about your comments of possessiveness. I am protective, yes, but I'm not likely to "mark my territory". That is part of the poly in me. I do like showing off for my Master and hope to make others envious of him because of me.

- Role-play can be fun and I am open to such suggestions.

I hope that speaks to your desires and outlines mine. If you find my requests and considerations acceptable, please consider me for your service submissive.

in service,

pixie

"You are thinking too much."

That is something I hear often...even admit it myself often. Yesterday, it was repeated several times by Beloved as he nuzzled and cuddled me. I am making a molehill into a mountain, thinking too much, worrying about what labels and definitions the rest of the world uses.

The relationship I have with Beloved isn't definable. It is fluid, changing, filling, adapting to Life. It doesn't matter if I call myself a wife, slave, CEO, or SO. It's still our relationship, and it will continue to be our relationship regardless of what anyone says about it.

"You can decide to box the D/s stuff up and put it away," Beloved said. "Or we can open it back up and explore. But you need to decide."

Because a non-decision IS a decision. I'm thinking too much.
*soft sigh*

There are things that are slipping back into our life...the things we LIKED about the D/s relationship. His requests for specific chores, his taking me, his stern looks that dare me to contradict him.

What am I afraid of?
Being broken, losing my brat, destroying my spirit. I don't wanna surrender myself.

But do I have to? Really? What about what Beloved wants? That's more important, isn't it? He wants a slave who is subservient and at the same time has a spirit that is somewhat untamable. He wants a slave who is freed through her servitude. He wants a slave who is both competent and will play and laugh and dance at any time.

I think...no...I think too much. That IS what I want too.

Caught in the act...

Oh my god! this made me laugh so hard...I had to share!

Ikea advertisement

Fear of the dark

MJ's slave wrote:
just what is it you fear?? What we fear often tells more than what we seek...


I am afraid to relinquish control because I felt pushed almost to the point of breaking. I deserved the punishment I got at the hands of Cole and Beloved. I took it and I have tried very hard to repent and show some semblance of worthiness.

At the point that I safeworded out, I was afraid of being hurt beyond what I could take. Less the physical pain, more the mental pain. I was afraid of being beaten to the point of broken, mostly because I had already expressed concern to Beloved and he seemed not to care.

I couldn't take another beating like the last one. I was chained down and the flogger was whipping around and biting my thighs. The tight control that takes combined with the seemingly unfeeling...sadistic...way Beloved reacted to my protests...

*shakes head*

I am no submissive. I do not have the courage it takes to submit under that kind of duress. While I have total and complete faith that Beloved will take care of me, catch me, I am afraid of what happens when he has to go to work, when I am left alone. I'm afraid to be broken, afraid of what I will do if I am broken.

Technical difficulties and the rest of life

On Tuesday, Beloved was reviewing how to install tub surrounds over breakfast. He closed the laptop and we were talking, slowly becoming aware of a low whirling sound. The source was the laptop. With a worried look, Beloved opened it and came face to face with the black screen of death.

My hard drive crashed.

With a stroke of good luck, he managed to recover my files, but no coaxing could get things like "My Favorites" off of the dead paperweight. *wry smile* I said I wanted to take a break from reading other journals...now that my bookmarks are gone, it will be easier...and more frustrating.

It took two days and some expertise from co-workers, but Beloved has patched my system back together...for now. I am going to have to start saving up for a new laptop....

**********************************************************************************

The bathroom project became more complicated, of course. Right now, the toilet and sink work, but the shower is still out of commission. There is mold on the old sheet rock, so that needs to be torn out and replaced before the new surround goes up. For now, everyone is using the master suite bathroom to wash up. It's a little challenging as it a clawfoot tub with a hand-hold shower head, but it works.

***********************************************************************************

Life with Halder and mylie hasn't been all that different. Beloved and I get up at 6:30 am and do our workout, he washes up while I nurse Boy, and then we go down and get breakfast together while Halder and mylie wash up and get ready for the day. There's a brief collision of five humans and two cats, we see the menfolk off to work, mylie logs into to her work, and Boy and I go about our day. Dinner is much the same with homecomings, meals, playing....Halder and mylie head to their room and Beloved and I play a game, and suddenly it's bedtime.

They have a slightly different M/s relationship than Beloved and I ever did, but I think that's mostly because they began as Master and slave. I don't know what everyone else thinks, but things seem alright. I hope mylie is actually working and not feeling trapped, though.

************************************************************************************

On Sunday, Beloved finally asked ME about the M/s. I am still not sure...Lately, I feel like I have been offering service, but on my own terms. To be perfectly honest, I rather like where we are right now.

Beloved, however, wrote me a letter...kind of. I got it last night. "Slave Wanted" read the subject.

I am a hetro-flexable Dominant / Top seeking a female submissive to serve my needs...

The text detailed out what Master Saul would like in a slave. He closed with:

If you are interested in becoming my slave then the first service I would require of you is a similar note outlining what you would like to see from your Master. I'll review it and see if we are compatible.

I'm struggling with it and explaining why is difficult. I think that I DO everything Master Saul asks for in the letter, I just do it without the collar right now. The last two sexual encounters, he has been carefully forceful, and I have responded positively, lustily.

Do I need the collar? Does he? I've wanted Beloved to take control. He responded that he will if I recant my safeword. He's said that we won't return to where we stopped...rather we will continue to move forward, incorpojavascript:void(0)rating what works and rejecting what didn't. It makes sense...

I guess it boils down to one thing. I'm afraid.

Miracle of starting

__PEBBLES______________________________________
The miracle isn't that I finished. . .
The miracle is that I had the courage to start.
-source unknown


__BOULDERS______________________________________

It's never too late to start living the life you've always wanted to live,
or to start being the person you've always wanted to be.
-source unknown


Okay, so the above quotes apply in a lot of ways right now. It kinda reflects where I am about the whole submission thing. Going from a married couple to parents was scary, and going from married parents to Master and slave WHILE parenting has really been challenging. I'm glad we began the journey, but it's been hard and getting this far has taken a lot of faith and courage.

It kinda reflects the situation with having Halder and his slave live with us. For all of us, joining households, at least for a little while, is nerve-wracking. So much of everything has to find new homes, be reorganized, sorted out. I really feel for Mylie...She will always be her Master's first girl, but it's not quite the same when you move into an established household.

It kinda reflects the state of the bathroom. Having gotten through a LOT of projects in this house, Beloved and I both knew the bathroom was going to be a pain in the ass. It should NOT have been started on a Sunday, and not the first day that our roommates where here...but...well, it was, and it will be finished all the sooner for that, and it will be sooooooo much better than it was! *soft sigh* It's small solace for the fact that such things are never the "one-day jobs" you plan them to be, though.

It's late...everyone else has washed up and gone to bed. It's my turn to use the bath and hope that I can relax enough to sleep...

Unconscious Mutterings

The free association game from LunaNina. She provides the words on the left, and I reply with the first word or phrase to come to mind on the right. Click the link to see other responses or to play.

1. Signature :: messy


2. Olympics :: please, not Chicago!


3. 100% :: orange juice


4. Damn! :: uh-oh, now what?


5. Gold :: stars


6. Fresh and natural :: yeah, right...more like chemical perfume


7. Fraction :: gimme a calculator


8. Hurry :: I'm late!


9. Summer :: "and the livin' is easy..." My favorite lullaby


10. 29th :: Friday

*sigh* Halder and Beloved are ripping apart the second floor bathroom. I'm seriously dreading what they will find...worst case, rotten boards and the whole floor needs to be replaced, which is pretty serious. So, I'm procrastinating and hiding here. Not the best idea, but hey...

ROOMMATES

I mentioned in my last post that Halder and his slave are moving in with us. This is happening over the weekend. It's both exciting and hesitant.

Exciting because Beloved and I have always enjoyed communal living. Help with general household stuff (projects, meals, chores, bills) is one thing. People to play games with, hang out with, talk with is another major high point. Sharing our lives has always been a good feeling for me.

Hesitant because co-living always presents new facets of people...things you just aren't aware of until you LIVE with them. I don't think there are many unreconcilible matters, but I'd hate for our friendship to be strained. There's also a "presence" when you live with people...even when things are GREAT. Walking naked from the bathroom to the bedroom, for example. You're just more aware of it when others live with you. While Halder and his girl are fully aware of the "darker" interests and lifestyles we have, there is still going to be that "presence". We'll see how things work out.

But...typing this means that I'm not getting their room ready and I really DO have to hustle. There's not a lot that needs doing and quite a bit that I'll need help with, but I should take care of what I can. Later, Gator!

Anxious to Please

Today was a break...I dropped Boy off at Grandma's house at 10am and had the rest of the day to myself. The first thing I did was stop at the thrift store on the way home. I am beginning to wonder if thrifting isn't an addiction or something....but that's another discussion. While sorting through the books, I found this one...


Anxious to Please by James Rapson & Craig English


The title caught my attention because as a service submissive, I am anxious to please.

The day passed...I got home and laundered all the new clothes I found for Boy, put the new canisters in the dishwasher, the books made it upstairs, and "Anxious to Please" landed on my bedside table...atop my "To Read" pile.

Halder and mylie came over and helped me finish the yard and floors (thank you thank you thank you! you guys are awesome!!!). We had dinner cooking when Beloved and Boy returned home, enjoyed the evening, discussed co-living issues (yes, they ARE moving in with us...more on that another post), and helped clean up the kitchen before taking off.

Beloved check his mail and headed upstairs for bed while I checked mine. I followed him barely twenty minutes later and was in bed by 10:05pm. At which point, I started tossing and turning, couldn't relax, couldn't get comfortable. I had a million things on my mind, and finally I gave up and got up twenty-five minutes later. I didn't want to log in, so I grabbed a book..."Anxious to Please" was on top...and figured I'd start reading and get bored and fall asleep.

By the end of page 2, I was nervous. It's that funny sort of nervous you get when a stranger sums you up perfectly in the first five minutes. I was reading EXACTLY myself. By page 7,the end of the intro, I knew I couldn't stop. By page 17, I was considering getting up to get a highlighter and start making notes in the margins...I haven't done THAT since college. By page 22, I felt the need to vomit because...because it's all true! I am not sure I can even begin to describe the horror and panic I felt. By page 26 and the end of chapter 1, I knew I was going to be logging in to blog.

Here are some snippets.

So what's wrong with being nice? Nothing - in the right context. Being nice makes life more pleasant, and can help things flow more smoothly. Nice People go further than this. They can't help themselves...When things aren't working, they try harder - and most of the time, they're trying harder to be nice.


[Nice People] often live what Thoreau called "lives of quiet desperation."

Nice people yearn intensly for a life that is truly worth living.They ache for an abiding sense of belonging, for an inner peace that can last longer than a few moments, and for authentic intimacy.

Many adults wrestling with [the need to please] will deny that they are chronically unhappy...Frequently they are coping with a crisis of one sort or another and the emotions of that crisis serve as a cover story for the persistent roiling within.

They don't choose to obsess about what others are thinking and feeling; they simply can't shut it off.

[T]he term selfesteem is almost a misnomer, because...they do not know or even care about their own opinion - it's not relevant.What they care about is the way in which others esteem them...because of this, they do not have a very clear idea of who (or even where) they are; their sense of self is indistinct at best...At times, a Nice Person will work so hard to suppress their insecurities that it ends up looking like the opposite. It is common for others to perceive the Nice Person as being supremely confident....

Nice People are beset by feelings of guilt, worry, and longing mixed with thoughts of incompetence and unworthiness. They don't have a clear sense of who they are, and never quite get the feeling of belonging or "fitting in" that they yearn for. To make matters worse, they don't know what to do to comfort themselves or to get feeling good again.

That's some heavy stuff to think about...and it's scary how much I identify with it. The end of the chapter promises to help with awareness and transformation (do I want to be a Mean Person???). I guess I'll be reading more...soon. It's after midnight and if I don't get to bed, Beloved will come looking for me, Master or not!

the BAD as well as the good...

I had a rather round-robin chat with a friend yesterday. There's a possibility of rooming together, at least for a little while. Two things went round and round...the break in the D/s and the desire for a poly household.

He suggested coming over just to see how things were, and I begged off.


me:today isn't good....not now...I'm in a less than great mood at the moment
him: *smirks* Ok, I'll take that answer for now. But are you going to be able to hide those moods from us if we are living there?
me:*sigh* I've lived with people before. I find ways. I let it build and build and build until I crack.
him: It's not about finding ways to hide it, it's about finding ways to live with each other. You have always wanted a poly family. If this happens to turn out to be a long term situation, don't you think that we should be a part of the bad as well as the good?
me: I don't know what to tell you about being a part of the bad as well as the good. I don't let BELOVED see the bad very often.
him:Maybe you should


Show my bad side? *sigh* I'm an ungrateful wretch on the bad side. You wanna see?

I NEVER wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. It was never even a passing fantasy. Through the first four months of being pregnant, I was going back to work and Beloved was going to stay home. As it turned out, though, Beloved was offered a much better career move than I could ever hope for. We both agree that the values we hold are ones we want Boy raised with...so, I became the stay-at-home mom.

Being a housewife and mom kinda sucks. There is never a point where I can relax and feel like I have finished the day and I always feel like I'm failing at my "job". I brought the D/s idea up because I needed some sort of reassurance, some external guide to help me set priorities and feel like I was getting something done. I had hoped to find more satisfaction with my new life...a life of personal service and submission to the ones I love most.

Honestly, while Beloved is more careful about expressing his thanks for my getting something done, I don't feel like I'm any more successful. I feel like the D/s was....a hope, a fantasy, a pretty picture that I've tried to capture in real life and I can't do it. It all feels like a cheat and a letdown.

My friend argued: "It's still going to feel like too much if you are "just" a wife again."

*wry smile* maybe...but if I am "just" a wife again, I won't have to be making offers for service that I really don't want to make in the first place. Besides, who in their right mind would want an angry and resentful submissive?

*shrug* I warned you it wasn't pretty......

How can you be so obtuse?

Last night we went to Halder's softball game. I don't think either he nor his girl have caught up with my blog as they acted completely normal with us, but Beloved took a much more Dominate role with me. I raised an eyebrow a few times and on the way home, I asked him where we were at.

His answer was basically that *I* was the one who called it quits. He was giving me space to sort things out in my own head and decide, so it was up to me where we were at.

*sigh* I guess I hadn't expected that answer. It's true, and I can see it, but I was hoping for some help on this.

In some ways, I did thrive in the submission. In some ways, I want to beg him to Master me. In some ways, I am angry that he doesn't just lay down the law...instead he lets me stumble on my own. How can I be so resistant to something I need and want???

*sigh*

I'm in trouble...again...

No...I haven't broken any rules. It's not the kind of trouble that will earn a punishment. It's inside my own head, and I'm feeling lost.

On Friday, Beloved tasked me to write him a letter, explaining how my life is under those new rules and how the new rituals have worked for me. I did...and the summation of the letter was "I am struggling". Not with the rules...those are merely a hardening of the boundaries we already had. They haven't changed a whole lot in my life.

It's the rituals that I struggle with. There seems to be no grey area between the sullen submission while in my mind "please please please just let me be...damn it!...he wants me to do something again..." or a feeling of self-righteousness because Beloved forgot and now has to go out of his way to be Dominant. There really hasn't been an in between.

Combine that struggle with what I read in other journals, and I feel utterly worthless and totally non-submissive. How can I complain about ironing or putting the camping gear away when other slaves are being uprooted, beaten, permanently marked? I mean, seriously...I'm such a BABY.

Last Friday, after reading my letter, Beloved told me to fetch the toybag, chained me. I tried to feel void, tried to just accept it, but he began spanking and flogging me and I just couldn't do it. I safeworded out within minutes. I threw away the gag, flung the blindfold away, and huddled in a corner, crying. I shoved him away the first time he came to me. I was DONE.

DONE. No more slave, no more spankings, no more bullshit. I can't DO IT.

Beloved finally cuddled me up, and took me to bed. We talked about it, and we are taking a break. I can't tell you how much of a relief it was...but at the same time, I ached for what I might lose. But it was the first time in months that we lay in bed and I felt like I could cling to him. I was an equal again. A partner. A wounded woman needing comfort which my husband could give.

This whole weekend, we have very carefully avoided M/s phrases, poses, situations. We haven't brought it up again directly, but it is boiling underneath. It will be a topic of a long discussion at some point soon.

Things that I want to remember...

1) It's been four weeks since the last spanking/beating, and months since the last one that I truly felt..."released"...afterwards. I rarely achieve anything more than ache anymore. I think the difference is the toys. Beloved has complained about the disconnect he feels, particularly with the flogger. I safeworded because I tried to lose myself in the submission and couldn't. I could not face the pain for nothing.

We adopted toys as we began playing in public...at club, with Halder, with Cole. Playing with others means there are expectations. I can take a lot, it isn't a competition. It should not matter what would impress others. It is about what Beloved wants and I need. We need to get back to that, and the first step might be doing away with the toys...at least for now.


2) It should not matter what others do in their relationships. Some M/s relationships go without safewords...some are about sadistic/masochistic play...some are all bdsm. IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT ANY OTHER RELATIONSHIP LOOKS LIKE. What matters is what Beloved wants and I need.

I frequently fall victim to comparison and it is devastating to my self-esteem. I am going to take a break from reading other journals for a while. My focus must be on what matters in our household.


3) Being a slave created a weird loneliness for me. For twelve years, Beloved was my husband, my partner, my best friend. I could tell him anything, ask him anything, do anything with him.

But when we started down the path of Master and slave, I felt like a rift developed between us. I don't feel like I can be his best friend AND his slave. I don't know how to make that work.

Most of the relationships I know in person are relationships that have started out in D/s...they might lead to marriage at some point...but the basis for the relationship is Master and slave. It's different for us... And we have to find our own way.

For now, I am collared, but I am not a slave or a submissive. We are resting before continuing the journey.

thoughts on language...

Be kinda and sincere in your responses. Study ettiquette and practice it. Let our tongues be used only for pleasure. Just as we would not brush our hair with the same brush we use to clean the toilets, neither should we use the same mouth to kiss, suck, or serve that spews filth and disrespect to the rest of the world.
~ adapted from "Taming the Tongue" by Katie B.


I love this comparison. I've shared it with Halder, who generally takes his slaves to task over swearing, but it's true in plain vanilla life, too. At the same time, I find it highly amusing when people swear in front of me and then apologize. I have been known to spew a few choice words now and then, but it's usually pretty relevant when I do.

I think that in general, people are not kind enough to each other. Nevermind the BDSM world you and I enjoy...PEOPLE, in general, are not aware, respectful, or gracious enough with each other. Even in lifestyle relationships, "bad" names can take on a special, even complimentary, meaning. "slut" "cunt" "pet"...forgive the failure of imagination, but I don't know "bad" names for male subbies. Share if you care to...

Anyhow. Just one of those flittering thoughts I wanted to share.

just have to brag...

So call me an overexcited proud mommy, but Boy just went pee-pee in the potty ALL BY HIMSELF!!! No coaching from me at all. We've been hanging out without diapers quite a bit this summer, and today he went and to the potty and showed me after going. I'm soooooo excited!

Not only that, but he did it TWICE! About an hour later, we were just playing with trains, and he jumped up, ran to the potty, and went pee. I am just amazed!!! He isn't even 2 yet, so this is really a fantastic step to getting out of diapers. Sorry it it's TMI....but I had to do the happy dance!

Rankling with protection

I am blessed. I am surrounded with people who love me and care about me and protect me. Sometimes that is stifling and abrasive.

Two weeks ago, I invited a stranger over. The reason I bring it up is because tonight a friend expressed the need to suggest safer ways to play with strangers. I appreciate the concern, but honestly, I'm a little tired of being lectured. If you have no interest in my little rank, that's cool...don't read. If you do have interest, continue, and I will try to explain once more my perspective.

We...Beloved and I...invite strangers into our lives all the time. I semi-frequently invite strangers into the house. I won't name individuals, but some of these strangers have become very good, trusted friends. The only difference between the meeting two weeks ago and all the others is that there were kink and some sexual overtones, and even that difference is shaky at best.

My friend asked, And did you tell them explicitly "This is when I'll be alone in the house with my toddler, and the husband is not expected home for several hours"?

The answer is YES. I've asked people to come over to provide quotes for drywall work. I've asked people to come over to install light fixtures. I've asked people to come over for playgroups for Boy. I've asked someone to come over and clean the carpets and fucked him silly. All of this has been when Beloved isn't here, when no other adult is here, and that is understood, even explained.

At this, my friend replied, Then I'm mad about that, too. I'm going to bed now. And then signed off.

I expect at least half, maybe as many as 90% of my readers have the same reaction. How COULD I do something so unsafe??? I could I DARE to put me, my child, at risk like that???

That is a difficult question to answer, but the purpose of this post is to try.

Last night, we went to bed and left the door OPEN...not unlocked...OPEN. It wasn't intentional, but it also exemplifies the way we live. We don't go around checking the doors and windows each night. We almost never lock the doors at all. We live in the second largest city in the state of Illinois, complete with gangs and shootings just blocks away from our house. Maybe we ARE crazy. Or maybe it's something else.

You see, I was gang-raped by strangers when I was nine years old walking home from school in a Catholic school uniform. You can't tell me about the risks I take because I've BEEN THERE...I've come through the kind of hell that can happen. I've also had my things stolen out of my car, been mugged, and seen the underbelly of the city.

But I am not a victim. I have not allowed that to destroy my trust in the universe. I truly believe that you get what you put out there. If you believe that everyone is after you, then for you, they truly ARE after you. If someone needs something from me that badly so as to take it by force, I'd rather let them have it. It's interesting that when you fight an attacker, you empower them. When you yield, you are empowered. Look up aikido if you don't get it.

Maybe you're saying, yeah, but with your life???

*shrug* yes, there are sick psychopaths out there who kill for no understandable reason, but they are not common. Men and women alike are much more likely to be raped or even killed by an acquaintance than a stranger. You take more risk with your life and health getting into an automobile, especially on a Friday night, than meeting a stranger.

I expect to live out a full and wonderful life, grow old, and die peacefully in my sleep. I trust the Universe to fulfill that expectation, and I wouldn't trade the trust or friendships I have enjoyed from a "risky" meeting with a stranger to force a hand that I really have no control over anyway.

Really, all we can do is have faith that it will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end.

sometimes I wish we were rich

For the most part, we have a wonderful life. Sure, it would be nice to be out of debt, to have a new hybrid car, or go on that dream vacation, but we do pretty damn well for ourselves.

BUT...and there always is a but to those kinds of statements...

I keep stumbling across things that intrigue me and cost money.

This time, it's the Submissive Journey Weekend. Some of the classes sound interesting. The concept is appealing. In truth, it's not even THAT expensive. It is, however, 1/5 of our mortgage or an entire car payment. *sigh* Maybe another time.

Picture time

So that's us and Boy at the wedding. I liked the photo...there aren't many of us, though, so I'm glad it came out nicely.

It's hot and humid and summer in Chicagoland. I'm surviving, but really totally unmotivated to do ANYTHING. Beloved has tasked me with ironing and mending...*wrinkles nose* I suppose I should go do it...it's not even a terrible thing since I can watch a girlie movie at the same time. I don't know what my problem is...

eh...I do. It's hot and humid. *wry smile*

and I'm back!

hallelujah! It's Tuesday! The last of the guests left yesterday, and I got a full night's sleep last night. I almost feel human again. *grin* The wedding was fantastic, despite the stress of officiating, and it was wonderful to see so many friends from school. I hope you enjoyed your weekend.

Pictures of me

I have been called a chameleon...I just like to change my looks...I'm still ME. I stole silvara's link and made my own slideshow for you to enjoy.

Hope you have a fantastic weekend!

going incommunicado

So a lot of folks have voiced concern about my well-being lately. I appreciate it...seriously. Having friends, especially in the BDSM D/s world, means a lot to me! I just thought I'd preempt more worry by warning you that I'm not going to be around until next Tuesday. I'm officiating a wedding, hosting out of town guests, and my cousin's grad school graduation is happening. So, yeah. It's going to be fun, but I'm not going to be online much.

Thursday
5:30 am - pick up folks at the airport
1 pm - drop Boy off with sitter
4 pm - rehearsal
6-8:30 pm - dinner

Friday
9 am - dental appointment
12 pm - get everyone ready for wedding
2 pm - wedding party photo shoot (Beloved is part of the wedding party)
5 pm - wedding
??? - party until Boy calls it quits

Saturday
visiting Chicago with guests
evening - sister's graduation party

Sunday
hosting a reunion picnic for college friends in town for the wedding

Monday
entertaining guests until dropping them off at the airport at 6 pm

*soft smile* I hope your weekend is MUCH more relaxed!!!