Without good communication, a relationship is merely a hollow vessel carrying you along on a frustrating journey fraught with the perils of confusion, projection, and misunderstanding.
-Cherie Carter-Scott

Good advice for any relationship, but especially true in a M/s relationship!

I wish I knew...

When I created this blog, it was intended for me. Oh, there were a select group of people that I offered the link to...eight, in total. I also began signing other blog-comments with "Beloved's girl" and the link. I did not hide the blog from the public...but I don't think I advertised the new D/s blog on the block outright.

Every once in a while, I get a comment from someone I don't recognize, and it makes me wonder who is reading, and why. If every entry were about hot sex or insightful or SOMETHING, I might understand, but lately there have been days when I just feel blah and the best I can offer is a silly quiz or other bloggy meme. How did you find me? Who are you? I wish I knew who it was that was privy to my admissions and confessions.

*wry smile* Well, maybe I don't. It would be unnerving to find out my great-aunt was reading. Although, to quote Kaya, if they found it, it means they were looking. :-S

Better things to do...

but instead I'm doing this. It's just that kind of day. I've done more than half the list (just barely, but 101 counts, damn it!) Bold the ones you have done...

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said ‘I love you’ and meant it
09. Hugged a tree
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby’s diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog.
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Sword fought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten engaged
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten married
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Gotten divorced
104. Been on television news programs as an “expert” No, but I have been in the newspaper as an "expert" more than once.
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything
108. Taken illegal drugs
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children < current
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. …more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone’s heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read,
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. …and gotten 86′ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196. Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested

Learn yourself!

So Kaya started it...although she blames Min, and I didn't go back to find out who Min blames...

Learn Myself a quick 120 personality test that I have mixed feelings about. I don't agree with the you tend to lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. If that were true, my calendar wouldn't be packed and Beloved and I wouldn't feel like celebrating every time we had an "unplanned" day together. I also didn't particularly like the People generally perceive you as distant and reserved, and you do not usually reach out to others. I expect the test is correct, but I try so hard to make people feel loved and special when with me. At the same time, I am shy about reaching out because I can...and DO...overextend myself. I hate that. I hate not being able to fix everything, or at least help.

The rest of it? *sigh* Startlingly accurate, I think. I wouldn't readily admit I like routines, but when I don't get to make Beloved tea before he leaves for the day, I definitely notice the break. I can despair when I don't have a plan for a day with Boy. And, surprise, surprise, the service complex came out loud and clear.

Did I learn much about myself? I don't know. But sometimes having it put in black and white (as well as red, blue, green, yellow, and purple) is helpful.


My Personality

Neuroticism	67
Extraversion	31
Openness to Experience	82
Agreeableness	82
Conscientiousness	41

You rarely get angry and it takes a lot to make you angry, however you tend to lack energy and have difficult initiating activities. People generally perceive you as distant and reserved, and you do not usually reach out to others. You prefer familiar routines and for things to stay the same. You can tend to feel uncomfortable with change. You find helping other people genuinely rewarding and are generally willing to assist those who are in need. You find that doing things for others is a form of self-fulfillment rather than self-sacrifice, however you believe that a certain amount of deception in social relationships is necessary. You are guarded in new relationships and less willing to openly reveal the whole truth about yourself. You are well-organized and like to live according to routines and schedules. Often you will keep lists and make plans.

Long-distance relations

For nearly six months, I have been conversing with Master Ron about submission. It started out because I wanted to learn how to be a better submissive and Beloved was simply not available because of work. He supported, even encouraged the exchanges and it was all very very safe since Master Ron lives in California and has no intentions of taking on a 24/7 training with a new "toy".

Today I logged in for our usual chat and instead found a message from another Dom...Master Steve...saying that Master Ron had a heart attack and is in the hospital.

As a cyber-friend, I feel helpless. As a cyber-submissive, I feel inapt.

It's kind of surprising to me how much of a blow this is. Having done nothing more than exchanged emails and chat, I feel very close to Master Ron, and being denied a way to show that has me at a lost. There is nothing I can do...I can't send a card, cook a meal for his family, sit quietly at the bedside. I can't offer any of the things I would do for my close friends and family. All I can do is sit quietly and wait for Master to return.

I suppose in a way he is still training me.

um...a week????

How the heck did that happen?

heh. Well, I suppose it's pretty easy. Club was a bummer, so Kate, Beloved, and I spent most of last week working things out again before she wandered back home. Then I hurt my back (again, *sigh), and we spent the weekend enjoying normal, quiet, vanilla family time. All told, it's been very satisfactory, even if it hasn't been very exciting.

But that hardly makes for a good blog entry.

This makes two months in a row that club has been a bummer. We are seriously questioning if we want to continue the membership. I was thinking about this and the conclusion I came to was that club is very much like Fight Club ...an intense emotional release, but it rarely if ever leads to anything sexual. Sex is almost too fluffy for club. Beloved and I aren't into hardcore BDSM stuff...he isn't a sadist, and I'm a mild masochist, the bondage is only somewhat amusing, which leaves the discipline. I like to think that I'm a good enough pet that I don't require too much of that.

So, what's left? We are kind of working that question over. I wear my collar, and we enjoy the teases and highlights it creates. We are a M/s couple, but I'm not exactly sure how to explain it outside of our relationship. Beloved wants to get back to exploring the sensual sexual side of our M/s relationship. I am quite happy to follow if he leads down that path.

"You got to know when to hold em,...

...know when to fold em, Know when to walk away and know when to run."
~Kenny Rogers

So the three of us went to club, and I am feeling like I can't write about it because it's not JUST my experience. Things weren't so good and I can't really separate my story from that of Kate's and Beloved's. I guess I'm back to feeling like I can't get my thoughts together. I'm sad and I'm hurting for my friends and loves, but there's really nothing I can DO to fix it.

For now, I think I have to throw them together and let them talk or dual it out...and hope for the best.

Someone usually says it better...

Kate played this song for me...and it is achingly familiar.


Fast As I Can
Released October 1995
(written by Doyle of Great Big Sea)

From the first hello you gave to me
I’ve done nothing else but smile
And I know you’re in a hurry
but it’s gonna take a while.
So forgive me if we go slow,
but there’s something I think you should know...

Chorus
I’m goin fast as I can, please don’t make me rush
this feeling’s coming on way too fast
I’ll tell you all of the things that you’ll never forget
But I’m not ready say ‘I love you’ yet
I’m not ready to say ‘I love you’ yet.

Whistle Solo

Don’t push me in too deep,
I’ve always been the fool who rushes in.
You’ve got to take the pieces one-by-one
before you’ve got everything.
So forgive me if we go slow,
but there’s something I think you should know...

Chorus

Whistle Solo

Oh! There’ll be times when I’m mistaken
there’ll be times when we’re gonna fight
but you needn’t doubt we can work it out
and in time we’ll make it right.
So forgive me if we go slow,
but there’s something I think you should know...

Dazed and confused

I had been posting almost daily...thoughts, experiences, general babble. Then Kate arrived and I simply haven't had a chance to collect my thoughts let alone write. Beloved has been gently prodding me for what is going on in my head, and Kate's asked if I'm okay...

I'm okay. I just haven't found the words that give voice to my feelings right now. I'm not sure how much of this will make sense, but I'll take these few minutes to try.

History.
Kate and Beloved dated, were initmate years ago, and I joined them after a few months. I know that my getting involved was not the cause of the problems...we moved, graduated, changed just after I became a part of the relationship and that created way more challenge than I did...but things didn't remain good for long. It's taken time for all of us to scab over and recover the friendship.

Present.
From the first night, I was reminded of how similar Kate and Beloved are. Similar tastes in comedy, music, gaming. Similar confidence and surety. Similar stubborn streaks that got them into trouble before. *soft smile*

I felt left out, but not because they didn't invite me...just because I am different. They pulled up different YouTube clips for each other and giggled over them, and I didn't understand a lot of the humor and have any to share. I retreated to the safety of chores, hosting, childcare as naturally as I breathe...although inside I was feeling lonely and wanted to crawl out of the shell I cling to.

Monday, Beloved was out of town for business. *wry smile* I deliberately invited another friend over to play cards and generally provide a distraction from Kate's gentle seduction. It didn't work quite the way I'd hoped...both "guests" were more exhibitionistic than I and we all three ended up naked in bed. It went no further than teasing Beloved over IM and talking while under the covers, but I'm still mulling over what happened and if I can just let it go as fun and not meaning a commitment or setting the standard.

Beloved returned home Tuesday and we caught up some. He and Kate had a chance to talk, but I think it was mostly surface talk. Beloved still feels a little wary of falling in love again, I think.

On Wednesday, while Beloved was at work and Boy napped, Kate... "Seduce" isn't the right word. She asked directly for me to come to her bed and make love to her. I did. I didn't hesitate, I didn't worry about it, I didn't deny myself what I knew I wanted. Loving Kate is easy...she is a forgiving lover and very sensitive so it was easy to remember her. She insisted on pleasuring me, too, which was at once awkward and playful and nice. My first solo lesbian experience. Beloved wanted me to gush about it, and I didn't...couldn't. Instead I tried to retreat, clamouring for a little space to decipher my thoughts. But between Boy and having a guest and managing the house....

Thursday, Kate and I went into the city to see different friends. On the drive, we both decided that it might be a good idea for me to spend the evening with Beloved...to make sure he still felt important and the center of my universe. D/s all aside, the poly relationship requires work of equals. It was a mutual decision, although she brought it up...I'd worried about hurting her feelings. *slight smile* She's smarter than that...and more poly than that. I'm so lucky! Since we were in the Clark/Belmont area, we stopped in The Alley and we found a collar for Kate to offer Beloved, but kept it to herself. That night, she excused herself and left me and Beloved to ourselves. It was a little awkward, but Beloved and I played backgammon in bed (I won his making pancakes Sunday morning!), and eventually I opened up. We reconnected, made love, and fell asleep cuddled together.

Friday, Kate and I chose to have a pretty quiet day. We took Boy to the park, ran some errands, did some chores. It'd had been a week since she'd called me from the airport, and I was finally feeling close and comfortable enough to ask her to help with chores. She ironed while I folded laundry, played with Boy while I ran out. Just that changed something in my head. Instead of a "guest" Kate became a friend, a confidant, someone I could see living with. I could feel myself starting to fall in love.

Evening time brought Beloved home again, and our evening routine was easy, familiar. I finished dinner, Kate set the table, and Beloved played with Boy. Dinner was cleared, cookie dough made, and it was time to take Boy upstairs for bed.

When I came down again, Kate was at Beloved's feet, now wearing her collar. Beloved explained some of the rules and expectations, especially regarding our public play at club for Saturday. I was uneasy again....feeling outted...displayed. I'm very much the introvert and while my shyness endears me to Beloved, it feels crippling sometimes. We made tea, pulled out a board game, played for a bit. I baked the cookies, Kate ensured that Beloved's water glass was always full...

We retired to the bedroom. At first, it was all business...finishing the ironing, folding the laundry, sorting the toybag for Saturday. I think I started it by changing out of my jammies to show off a particular outfit. That led to choosing club clothes, which led to being oggled, appreciated, naked, and aroused. The three of us ended up in bed, playing, touching, kissing. Kate and I shared Beloved's cock, kissing each other around it and enjoying Beloved's moans and encouragements. I reached out to play with Kate while sucking Beloved's cock, and Beloved drew me up to ride his face while Kate pleasured his cock. We switched around, there were a few orgasms, and we ended the evening rather sated and exhausted.

And yet...I'm still...closed. I'm introverted in my thinking. Whereas Beloved thinks aloud, I retreat until I have the answer and can state my feelings and thoughts without question. I'm not there. This blog entry is an attempt to at least put words to what's happened, if not my feelings.

I am very much enjoying Kate's presence. Sure, she is a source of chaos and a nack for turning life on it's head, but I'm learning how to work with that, to enjoy it, and still play with Boy and make sure that daily life is met. I am not worried about sharing Beloved with Kate or Kate with Beloved. That is...good, warm, right. I'd actually like to watch Beloved make love to her...to caress her check and kiss her as he is inside. That just...fits. For people who aren't poly, maybe this makes no sense, but I cannot explain it any better than I have.

But I am still somewhat withdrawn, and Beloved nudged me again this morning. "What is going on? How are you this morning?" He even gave me the last hour to spend writing in the hopes for answers. Having gotten so much of this OUT, I think that my reserve is for myself...Kate is amazing. She's been loving and chasing me from afar for years, and finally I feel like maybe we can connect. At the same time, I know she is leaving in a week, and 1200 miles is a lot when there is a small child in the family and limited finances all around. How much do a I dare to open to her? How much can I stand to deny her? What will I do when my girlfriend and sister-slave leaves???

Kate

I've been a bit busy to blog...Kate is in town.

Who is Kate? *soft smile* She's our initiant. We met the summer of 2002 because of LARP and the characters that Beloved and she played were very involved. There was sooooo much going on, the situation was thick with complicated emotions and happenings, and if I started to write about all of it, I would have a book before long...

The cliffnotes version is that Kate had words that defined feelings I had carried forever. Words like polyamory and compersion. That these words were first spoken to Beloved...and Beloved came to me and asked about taking her as a lover...created a rift that took months to cross. Somehow they were patient enough with my wavering to not give each other up OR to give up on me, something I will forever be grateful for.

Years later, we are still friends despite the 1200 miles between us...and she's visiting this week. I love her...Beloved loves her. We are exploring more...slowly, gently...wondering where our love and tenderness might take us.

*wry smile* and I'm forever grateful that she's patient and persistant. She whispers in my hair that it is worth waiting for the right person. Thank you dearling...

Twelfth Night....

Beloved and I celebrate our twelfth anniversary today. It was a wonderful day...our wedding day was cold, sleety, and generally gross. Today was nearly 70F, sunny, a gentle breeze. It just keeps getting better.

Beloved made a GORGEOUS breakfast for us...omlets, hashbrowns, bacon, toast, and tea. It was all perfect, too. Just after breakfast, we got a call from my dad who wanted to know if we could meet earlier so they could buy us lunch before absconding with Boy for the rest of the day... That created a slight whirlwind of packing and rushing, but we were out the door on time, Boy slept the ride in, and we just chatted. There was a 45-minute wait at the restaurant, but there was a park kitty-corner to the place, so we took our notification buzzer across the street and let Boy run and climb and impress Grumpy and Grandma for the wait. Lunch was wonderful, and afterwards, we transferred gear and Boy to the grandfolks. It just keeps getting better.

Without any other plan, we wandered the outdoor mall a bit, finding a bench in the sun and people-watching as we talked about naughty things. I was snickering inside at how brazen I felt, discussing fantasies and play while surrounded by general public who were completely unaware. When our Icee was gone, we wandered through a couple of the cool "gadget" stores...Bose for him, Le Gourmet Chef for me. At L'eggs Hanes Bali Playtex , we found awesome comfy jammie pants on clearance for me, which was a big SCORE. It just keeps getting better.

Tiring of that, we drove to the theater and decided on 21, which was perfect and a lot of fun. It overcame my skepticism quickly, which is really saying something. We walked out feeling young and giddy and excited and silly about it. It just keeps getting better.

Once home...well, there was a lull. The "what do you wanna do?" "I dunno...what do YOU wanna do?" happened. Rejecting a board game, I figured there were a few things that needed doing...diapers to wash, dishes to set... Beloved pulled out his laptop. I finished up in the kitchen, picked up my new jammie pants, thanked him for them and wandered upstairs.... I became a mad dash to put on some sexy-sluty makeup, a black-lace-n-silk neglige, and brush out my hair. I cleared the bed, lit candles, and went downstairs to seduce my husband and Master.

It didn't quite work as planned...there were missed moments and a touch of hurt feelings...but happily we got past that. I'm not sure it really constitutes "make-up sex" but it was passionate and fun. We made love like newly-weds...69-ing and biting and teasing and just being wonderful...except on this twelfth night of our wedding, we have the skill and knowledge of long-time lovers. And it just keeps getting better!

Pampering Master

Yesterday I spent naptime getting the bedroom cleaned up and last night I took a dose and a half of Tylenol Sinus. After getting Boy down for the night, I changed into a new neglige...a red lacy-bra top with a red sheer "gown" to my ankles, split up the front. I lit candles, set out massage oil and trimming tools, and put on some soft music. Then I slipped downstairs, made Master tea, and knelt at his feet. He knew I had wanted something, but all of THIS surprised him. *smile*

He took one look at me. "I need to finish this thought," and turned back to the computer. I knelt quietly, my eyes closed, waiting for my Beloved Master. When I heard the computer snap closed, I looked up.

"Yes pet?"
"Master, may I have the honor of pampering Master this evening?"

He grinned, asked me to preen and model the new outfit. Then he got up and stretched. "Yes, I think that would be nice."

He followed me upstairs and murmured appreciation for the room. He excused himself to the bathroom, and I waited by the bed. He emerged nude and I invited him to lay down and get comfortable. Beloved liked to be trimmed fairly close, and he hadn't given me a chance to tend to him in a while. I carefully trimming his pubs, balls, and ass. He talked about things at work, how much he enjoyed playing with Boy...nothing earth-shattering, just talk.

When I was finished, I asked which would be preferred, quiet relaxing time or a massage. Beloved smiled and said he'd enjoy my touch. I began by rubbing the warmed almond & sandalwood oil into his feet, paying special attention to his toes and heel. When I finished, I kissed his feet and pulled on some socks. I poured more oil into my hands and began again on his ankles, soothing his calves and thighs. I ran my hands over his freshly trimmed pubis and down over his cock. Using my left hand to cradle Master's balls, I massaged his perineum and prostate with my right. Slowly, I switched the attention to his scrotum and cock. He did not rise, which I took as a good thing...it meant I was actually RELAXING him rather than exciting him.

I moved up over his belly and chest, and asked him to flip over so that I could rub out his shoulders, arms, back and ass. I could feel the muscles loosen under my touch. I moved down the backs of his legs, and brushed my fingers over his feet. Beloved asked the I work his neck a bit more, and I did, releasing the knots on the sides of his neck. When my hands were mostly dry, I moved up to the base of his skull and worked over his scalp. Gradually, I lightened my touch until I was barely touching him, lightly running my fingers over his back, tracing the shadows from the candlelight.

I knelt at the edge of the bed and whispered if there was anything else I could do...

"No, pet...this was fantastic. I am pleased."

Glancing at the clock, I was surprised to see two hours had past. I pulled up his blankets, tucked him in. Beloved barely moved. I blew out the candles, changed into my jammies, and then crawled in beside him, content and sure that everything would be alright. I am His.

Submissive Prayer

Allow me the strength to answer questions I can’t fathom.
Allow me the spirit to know his needs.
Allow me the kindness to choke back retorts.
Allow me the serenity to serve Him in peace.
Allow me the love to show Him myself.
Allow me the tenderness to comfort Him.
Allow me the light to show us the way.
Allow me the wisdom to be an asset to Him.
Let me be able to show Him each day my love of my service to Him.
Let me open myself up to completely belong to Him.
Let my eyes show Him the same respect, rather I sit at his side, or kneel at his feet.
Let me accept my punishment with the grace of a woman.
Let me learn to please Him, beyond myself.
Grant me the power to give myself to Him completely.
Give me the strength to please us both.
Permit me to love myself, in loving Him.
Allow me the peace of serving Him.
For it is my greatest wish, my highest power
To make his life complete as he makes mine.

I wish I could take credit for this, but it is from Woman Within

Advice and Apologies

So I got this forward entitled "If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:"

Reading it, I had to tweak it just a little, but damn does it make sense...


* When Master come home, always run to greet them.
* Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
* Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
* When it's in your best interest, practice obedience!
* Take naps.
* Stretch before rising.
* Run, romp, and play daily.
* Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
* Avoid snapping and biting when a simple growl will do.
* On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
* On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
* When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
* No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.
* Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
* Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough
* Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
* If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
* When the Master is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.


*soft smile* Silly, but true, right?

Last night, after putting Boy to bed, I slipped into a dress I know Beloved likes, took my hair down and brushed it soft, and picked up my locked collar. I found Beloved in his chair, and when he saw me, he flipped off the television. I didn't know where to start, so I just knelt at his feet, my forehead pressed against his leg. He pet me softly for several long minutes. At last, I peaked up.

"Is there something you'd like to say?"

I nodded, but then hid my eyes again, wished I had something amazing to say. At last, I looked up.

"I'm sorry about Saturday. I'm sorry for losing control. I'm sorry about not mentioning the pills. I'm sorry for not asking for help. Please...please help me learn to be better. I'd like to try again..."

Beloved held out his hand and I gave him the collar. He played with it for a little while, and cleared his throat.

"It's the asking for help that is the biggest one. If you are going to be my pet...my girl...you MUST communicate with me. Just because I am Master doesn't mean that you have to take on this whole house by yourself, but you do need to ask for help.

"If I chain you to your bed or spank you, it is rarely ever going to be a punishment. I will tell you when you are being punished. You have to trust me, that I am doing what I believe is best for you."

I was close to tears again. He held up my collar.

"Are you sure you want this? Absolutely sure?"

I nodded..."Please, yes. If you are willing to accept me again, I will try to do better."

The word "promise" was on the tip of my tongue, but I didn't use it. I know that there are going to be days when the pms grabs me or I have another bad day. I can't promise to be better...but I can definitely try! Apparently Beloved understood all of that because he told me to fetch his keys and then put the collar around my neck.

He then asked my to move the laundry and start some tea for him. When I returned with the cup, he had stripped his pants off. He kissed me softly and then told me he needed my mouth wrapped around him. It was a relief to offer my Master my mouth, to please him and worship him and pleasure him. He admonished me for trying too hard, but I wasn't trying...he came, and held me still as he softened in my mouth. Contentment bathed me, and when we parted, it was only to go up to bed and snuggle into sleep.