wishing for some magic.

I'm reaching that point where I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired for no "apparent" reason. Yes, I know I'm pregnant, but there is NOTHING redeeming about the situation. No flutters from the baby (who is about the size of a grape right now). No growing belly. No inner glow.

Instead I have dark circles under my eyes, use makeup to cover my pallor, wear 4-5 layers of clothes against a constant chill, and am on my knees before a toilet a few times every day. Today, Beloved did 90% of our "goals list" for the day, and I just feel like a louse.

Much to my chagrin, everyone is so accepting and understanding. Hell, they even make excuses for me to use! Beloved gently told me that if he had to carry Boy around all day, he couldn't get stuff done...why do I try to pretend that I'm any different?

It makes me want to weep...mostly because I am so grateful and needy, and I hate being in this position! I'm the service submissive! I should be the one serving! I want to pretend there's nothing holding me back...that I'm not pregnant...because right now, this really really f-ing SUCKS.

bestest and largest kinky holiday stocking!

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No gnews is good gnews...

Beloved once commented that most blogs, journals, and diaries are only written in when times are not good. If times are good, in general, we're too busy enjoying them to record them. Maybe that's the case. I try to create a balance here...

*shrug*

I really don't have much to say. I'm hanging on. With the pregnancy, I have good days, I have bad days. It's soooo much better than the last pregnancy, but that's little comfort when I'm kneeling in the bathroom. I'd much rather be kneeling somewhere else, and for a VERY different reason!

I've been asked about libido...yes, it's down...way down...which means we're having sex once a week or so. *wry smile*

I don't know that I've mentioned it, but right before I realized the pregnancy, I started dating a guy whom I've really gotten a crush on now. Clockwerk is just plain wonderful, and Beloved loves to tease me about having a boyfriend. Occasionally, the teases are a little edgy...like whether Clockwerk is getting all the GOOD sex... *soft sigh* I suppose there's some truth there, but at least part of that is because I haven't gotten comfortable enough to say "no" yet. At least, not in the moment. We've worked out a number of boundaries and I've warned him when I'm only good for a quiet night, and (lucky me) Clockwerk doesn't push.

My little Princess was out a second time last week and did some of the laundry in addition to chores. I'll have to work on her folding skills, but I'm still happy with how thing are working out on that score.

We're gearing up for holiday celebrations, and I feel a little pressure to get things more in order around here, but so far it hasn't been enough that I'm fretting. If the outside lights don't go up this year, so be it. It's fricken COLD and no one is going to be looking at them anyway. :-P I just need to get them packed back up for next year.

um...I dunno. That's pretty much everything right now. I hope everything is well with you and yours! Happy Yuletide! Happy Hanukhah! Merry Christmas! Happy Kwanzza!

Thank goodness for the sissies!

Life is tough when you are FORCING yourself to get 1000 calories a day into the system. I just don't have much energy, and what I DO have is often given up to Boy. I am blessed with friends and family who have given me "time off" so that I can sleep, and Beloved has been absolutely incredible the last couple of weeks.

Unfortunately, one of the first things that starts to bug me is the state of the house, especially the bathrooms. (Hey, if you were face-in-the-toilet several times a day, you would notice too!) There have been some bitter arguments around the house on this score, and I finally decided to bring someone in.

But what do you do when there is no money to pay for a cleaning service?

Find a sissy maid!

I put up an ad explaining the situation: I was pregnant and needed help around the house. In exchange, I would be willing to help fulfill non-sexual kink fantasies, specifically crossdressing and sissification since those would require little of me than being an audience.

I had more than a dozen applicants, two of which I found very promising. Those, I wrote back and forth with, sorting out exact expectations, explaining that I was "less than glamorous" these days, etc. One, my little Princess, remain enthusiastic and insistent that he wanted to serve. I invited him over last Friday for a trial run.

I am delighted with the results!



My little Princess is 21 and in sheer heaven to be allowed to express her kink openly. She is a wonderful mix of shy modesty and comfortable in her skin. She takes correction well (we had to go over the first bathroom three times before I was satisfied) and offers interesting conversation while working. She has expressed interest in learning/practicing skills, such as ironing (oh thank heaven!) and cooking, and has even said that serving in more vanilla situations would be possible, or perhaps in more formal serving capacities. She wrote me after serving on Friday and said that I am " welcome to interrupt anything, if my service is required". *wry smile* It is a good thing I hold school work to be a high priority!

Even Beloved congratulated me on my stroke of genius on this solution. I'm thrilled!

Random stumblings...

Do you ever feel shocked when you discover someone's professional side in BDSM? I don't mean finding out your co-worker is kinky...*shrug* Good for them! I mean finding out that someone you know in the community is a professional BDSM player.

I suppose it doesn't matter, but it surprised me today.

My body + pregnancy = bad combination

That is pretty much the equation here. I spent the afternoon today in the ER. Yup, I am carrying another child through hyperemesis gravidarum. Yea me. *sigh*

Bright side...
* My suffering of hyperemesis gravidarum means the baby is doing fantastically well.
* I am 10 weeks along, which means I'm 1/4 of the way through. Thirty weeks to go! (pray for me!)

I am pregnant.

Generally, this is a joyful comment, full of excitement and expectation. For me, it is a struggle...not because I dislike children but because my last pregnancy was so bloody awful. Pregnancy for me wasn't merely a "delicate condition" but actually life threatening at times.

Everyone says that maybe this time will be different. I am trying to believe it, but it's hard. I'm in the first-trimester "morning sickness" period, but the nausea never goes away. Already, I'm getting food in by mere will power, and I am getting scolded about how much I eat. I carefully consider how whatever I eat will "revisit" before it goes in my mouth. I find the prospect of food shopping, something I usually enjoy, to be a nightmare. I've already put my cooking magazines away. I admit cold fear that there are thirty-two weeks before I feel well again.

Perhaps the hardest thing to face is how this will affect my service. I don't want to be sick, and thus I pretend to a fault that I am not. I beg for understanding, both of my pride and my struggle.

I have lost my focus and what I wanted to say...or why. I want to cry, and yet...

And yet I wanted this. The tenderness of Boy's cheek pressed against mine; the joyful laughter and the knowing "Ooooohhhhhh!" when he makes a discovery; the sheer awe I feel as I watch him become his own person.

It is a gift. The price is high, but I am not alone in bearing the cost. I need to remember that...now more than ever before. I am pregnant.

breaking news

I know I kinda disappeared for a bit...I've been utterly exhausted. I thought maybe it was the holidays, but guess what?!

I'm pregnant!

I'm about 7 weeks along. So far, I've only had nausea and my fingers are crossed that it doesn't flip over into hyperemesis. I'm not sure how much I'll be up for, but I'll keep you up to date as best I can.