I'm not sure what came over me Thursday afternoon...it felt like something leeched every bit of energy from me. I don't mean tired...I mean I was scared by the exhaustion. It started to hit while Boy and I were driving, and even singing ABC's and his talking to me wasn't helping. I HAD to get home...but I was in such a fog...I couldn't get my phone to stay on long enough to make a phone call...it just shut off, despite the report that the battery was charged.
Somehow we made it. I literally crawled upstairs, got a movie started for Boy and collapsed. It was about 3 o'clock in the afternoon. I have vague memories of Boy telling me "Show all done, Momma..." but I couldn't move. Little angel that he is, he played with his blocks, read books, came in to prattle at me, but it seems he stayed upstairs the whole time.
Halder was the first to get home at about 5:30, and Boy told him, "Momma sick". I couldn't put two words together and it took real concentration to answer Yes/No questions. Did I need a doctor? No...just...Boy. Take Boy...
Beloved roused me more an hour later, checking me of fever. His cool hands felt so good, but I guess he didn't think I was feverish since he didn't ask me. I had to pee and pulled myself up, but a wave of dizziness and nausea hit as soon as I sat up. I sat there, fighting with my body for long minutes before I mastered the wave. Standing brought sharp pain through my legs, and I doubled over, clutching the bed. It past, and I managed the 10 feet or so to the bathroom, clutching the bed, the dresser, the wall...afraid to let go.
I managed to get back to bed, and lay there, trying to get past the fog in my head. It was going on 8 o'clock. A growing thought possessed me, and I lay perfect still. I couldn't remember feeling the baby move.
I willed my child to give me just a flutter...but it seemed like an eternity before my prayers were answered. It was just a slight shudder...as if the baby, too, were exhausted and leeched...but still alive. I decided to read a bit and concentrate more on movements. I don't really remember much of the story.
Beloved and Boy came in to say good night. Boy climbed up on the bed and pet my hair..."You okay, Momma?" He lay his cheek against mine. "Baby make you sick..." He pat my belly. "All better, Momma. You have good sleeps. I love you."
The child is two years old.
I had to fight my way to the bathroom again before Beloved came to bed about 10 o'clock. Beloved tried to convince me to eat something, but I vehemently declined. He gave me a sad, worried look, but didn't argue. When he lay down and turned off the lights, I'd already been laying there, sleeping mostly, for seven hours...I was sure sleep wouldn't come...but the next thing I knew, it was 4 in the morning. The fog had lifted and Baby was kicking. I had no trouble getting to the bathroom, although I fell back to sleep almost immediately.
When the Boy came padding in about 7:30 am, I felt almost normal. I had a headache, but I wasn't sick or fogged up anymore. We ate breakfast and saw Beloved off to work. I took it easy all day...Boy seems to understand, even, and only asked to go to the park once. He and I both ended up taking naps in the afternoon, and by after dinner, I felt fine. Baby seemed happier too...I've been kicked to kingdom come and was up until nearly dawn with the tap-dancing last night.
It was bizarre and scary, and I hope whatever it was, it never happens again.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Submissive v. Slave
Labels, labels, labels. It seems that one cannot escape the discussions about what label you claim and whether or not it is "correct". And gods help ye if ye trip up... *sigh*
Actually, this post comes to you complimentary of "Submissive Journal Prompts"
“Submissives need to be told what to do. Slaves do what they are told.”
The difference is both subtle and stark. By this particular definition, I guess I would qualify as a slave. I don't need to be told to do the dishes, clean the bathrooms, take care of the dozen little details in the course of the week. If Beloved decides something needs special attention, I attend to it promptly (although not always without dissenting comment).
We have actually tried the other route...my asking or him telling me what to do. It doesn't work out so well. He tires of the mundane chores quickly, and I get frustrated when directed to do only as I'm told because it would take a month to get through a week's worth of chores at that rate...
But this definition is extremely limited. I talked with Beloved a little about the quote, and he pointed out that self-control and self-discipline weren't mentioned...something that most submissives run away from.
er...run away from? I had to stop and think about that. It's not a complimentary thought. I wanted to reject the notion...after all, I just pointed out that I don't need to be told what to do...that I have the self-discipline to do what needs to be done.
But then I started thinking about why we began this venture two years ago...I was so self-disciplined that I lacked self-control. *sigh* Maybe Beloved has a point...?
I'd like to think that I have gained some self-control in the last two years. I'm better about speaking up and saying that I'm in trouble. But that is another limitation to the definition...it does not get into the mental mindset, and perhaps that is where more of my struggle lies. I am going to pull back, resent, and argue with confining directives. I am going to voice my opinions on the world. I am going to make certain decisions all on my own, and woe to those who oppose me.
*frowns* Not very submissive- OR slave-like...
Or does that matter?
I wish I didn't feel like I had to compete or explain who I am. I wander through the community and see all kinds of relationships, and I hold myself up for comparison. Am I submissive like her, slave like him? Do I serve Beloved better or worse than that individual serves their Owner? And I know it's not something only I do...there are arguments all the time about what a label means. I've struggled for months with my roommates because of such things. I've struggled with comments from Sir and Clockwerk because I haven't fit the expectations.
Or does that matter?
Beloved and I have a relationship that has grown and changed and evolved over the years. The last two years have included some of the more formal ideas of power exchange and D/s. We've checked out some of the local clubs, gotten involved with some of the community, read books. We've played around with labels and discovered limitations with just about every one.
Or does that matter?
When Beloved and I got our first apartment together, it was four years after we'd been officially married. Four YEARS. I was terrified that I'd discover I didn't like the guy who had been my husband for so long. One of the best pieces of advice I got was my aunt's comment that just because we lived together didn't mean we had to use the same brand of toothpaste. Funny how simple that was, but it made a huge difference. Similiarly, some of the best advice I've gotten in the lifestyle is that it doesn't matter what label I claim...what matters is that what we have works for us.
Submissive...Slave? Or does it matter?
"That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet."
Actually, this post comes to you complimentary of "Submissive Journal Prompts"
“Submissives need to be told what to do. Slaves do what they are told.”
The difference is both subtle and stark. By this particular definition, I guess I would qualify as a slave. I don't need to be told to do the dishes, clean the bathrooms, take care of the dozen little details in the course of the week. If Beloved decides something needs special attention, I attend to it promptly (although not always without dissenting comment).
We have actually tried the other route...my asking or him telling me what to do. It doesn't work out so well. He tires of the mundane chores quickly, and I get frustrated when directed to do only as I'm told because it would take a month to get through a week's worth of chores at that rate...
But this definition is extremely limited. I talked with Beloved a little about the quote, and he pointed out that self-control and self-discipline weren't mentioned...something that most submissives run away from.
er...run away from? I had to stop and think about that. It's not a complimentary thought. I wanted to reject the notion...after all, I just pointed out that I don't need to be told what to do...that I have the self-discipline to do what needs to be done.
But then I started thinking about why we began this venture two years ago...I was so self-disciplined that I lacked self-control. *sigh* Maybe Beloved has a point...?
I'd like to think that I have gained some self-control in the last two years. I'm better about speaking up and saying that I'm in trouble. But that is another limitation to the definition...it does not get into the mental mindset, and perhaps that is where more of my struggle lies. I am going to pull back, resent, and argue with confining directives. I am going to voice my opinions on the world. I am going to make certain decisions all on my own, and woe to those who oppose me.
*frowns* Not very submissive- OR slave-like...
Or does that matter?
I wish I didn't feel like I had to compete or explain who I am. I wander through the community and see all kinds of relationships, and I hold myself up for comparison. Am I submissive like her, slave like him? Do I serve Beloved better or worse than that individual serves their Owner? And I know it's not something only I do...there are arguments all the time about what a label means. I've struggled for months with my roommates because of such things. I've struggled with comments from Sir and Clockwerk because I haven't fit the expectations.
Or does that matter?
Beloved and I have a relationship that has grown and changed and evolved over the years. The last two years have included some of the more formal ideas of power exchange and D/s. We've checked out some of the local clubs, gotten involved with some of the community, read books. We've played around with labels and discovered limitations with just about every one.
Or does that matter?
When Beloved and I got our first apartment together, it was four years after we'd been officially married. Four YEARS. I was terrified that I'd discover I didn't like the guy who had been my husband for so long. One of the best pieces of advice I got was my aunt's comment that just because we lived together didn't mean we had to use the same brand of toothpaste. Funny how simple that was, but it made a huge difference. Similiarly, some of the best advice I've gotten in the lifestyle is that it doesn't matter what label I claim...what matters is that what we have works for us.
Submissive...Slave? Or does it matter?
"That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet."
Thursday, May 28, 2009
About eight hours ago, I lay on a table and Dr. K put a bunch of needles into my back. There was a cluster of three that she put in right about C8 that she said were to make sure I would sleep tonight. *sigh* Between Beloved's allergy snores, Baby's kicks, and my own head screaming at me, sleep is as elusive as ever.
I had ORIGINALLY written something light and fun to be posted today...but it was also more of a random life, parenting thing. My thoughts are presently occupied with more D/s orientated notions, so I guess I am replacing the light and fun with heavy and dreary. That alone makes me a little sad.
I was meandering through people's various journals this evening, and Sir's post this morning is what is haunting me at the moment. I am often told that I trust too much and too easily, and while he hasn't taken advantage of the soft, painful places in my soul, I know he could.
Just over six months ago, Clockwerk ended our relationship. It came at the height of my hyperemesis, and I was devastated by the way he so casually called my submission into question. I wrestled with my identity and agonized over my D/s relationship with Beloved. I hated Clockwerk for what he did to me...while we eventually resolved the hurt, we aren't really friends anymore.
In my breakup chat with Sir, he challenged me on certain things, and again I found myself wondering if maybe I wasn't want I thought I was. I'm fortunate enough to be surrounded by loved ones who jumped to my defense in wake of my questions, and I thought I was going to be okay...
But when Sir wrote this morning about arrows...well, there are poisoned tips I handed him myself. My thoughts have been racing through where they might come from, which targets would be likely. Part of me wants to arrogantly dare him...that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger...
Someone recently said that D/s is more intimate than marriage because of the level of vulerability. Beloved and I have tried to delve into D/s and have found it frustrating because we are so familiar with the sharp edges and we live with the results of the challenges to those edges. Beloved has seen me reduced to a creature afraid to leave the house or even get out of bed, and has repeatedly nursed me back from the edge someone else created.
I don't want to put Beloved through the agony of dealing with that yet again.
"Oh, pity them, mortal! To think of the many precious hours they are losing in worshiping their earthly pleasures! And let it carry a deep and lasting to thee, ignorant, selfish, vain mortal that thou art! For thou must now see thyself in thy true colors." ~ The Miser
It isn't going to matter that the attack wasn't made. The threat is enough to make me shy away again, and this time, I'm closing doors behind me. As it is, I do not sleep and hate what I have become.
I had ORIGINALLY written something light and fun to be posted today...but it was also more of a random life, parenting thing. My thoughts are presently occupied with more D/s orientated notions, so I guess I am replacing the light and fun with heavy and dreary. That alone makes me a little sad.
I was meandering through people's various journals this evening, and Sir's post this morning is what is haunting me at the moment. I am often told that I trust too much and too easily, and while he hasn't taken advantage of the soft, painful places in my soul, I know he could.
Just over six months ago, Clockwerk ended our relationship. It came at the height of my hyperemesis, and I was devastated by the way he so casually called my submission into question. I wrestled with my identity and agonized over my D/s relationship with Beloved. I hated Clockwerk for what he did to me...while we eventually resolved the hurt, we aren't really friends anymore.
In my breakup chat with Sir, he challenged me on certain things, and again I found myself wondering if maybe I wasn't want I thought I was. I'm fortunate enough to be surrounded by loved ones who jumped to my defense in wake of my questions, and I thought I was going to be okay...
But when Sir wrote this morning about arrows...well, there are poisoned tips I handed him myself. My thoughts have been racing through where they might come from, which targets would be likely. Part of me wants to arrogantly dare him...that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger...
Someone recently said that D/s is more intimate than marriage because of the level of vulerability. Beloved and I have tried to delve into D/s and have found it frustrating because we are so familiar with the sharp edges and we live with the results of the challenges to those edges. Beloved has seen me reduced to a creature afraid to leave the house or even get out of bed, and has repeatedly nursed me back from the edge someone else created.
I don't want to put Beloved through the agony of dealing with that yet again.
"Oh, pity them, mortal! To think of the many precious hours they are losing in worshiping their earthly pleasures! And let it carry a deep and lasting to thee, ignorant, selfish, vain mortal that thou art! For thou must now see thyself in thy true colors." ~ The Miser
It isn't going to matter that the attack wasn't made. The threat is enough to make me shy away again, and this time, I'm closing doors behind me. As it is, I do not sleep and hate what I have become.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
DD_ss Through the Looking Glass: Transparency
Transparent; sometimes it's easy enough to be, sometimes it's impossible.
How easy or difficult is it for you to be and to remain open to your owner; present and past relationships included?
I was brought up with the idea that if you can't say something nice, you don't say anything, so transparency is something that I suspect I will always have to work on. Add to that, I like to please people, so I often put my own needs and wants aside without a word. That tendency sometimes leads to a struggle with disappointment or resentment when no one notices.
Two years ago, I learned the hard way how very dangerous this can be. A nurse at the local hospital had me committed against my will. The ordeal only lasted a few hours...Beloved was very insistent that a DOCTOR review my case and found I was not a danger to myself or others...but it was very scary! Since then, I have worked hard to express my real feelings, needs, and wants...but it's not always perfect.
I especially get embarrassed by sexual desires and curiosities, still afraid of being judged poorly for such things. Sir did quite a bit of work with me in that area, and I'm grateful for that.
How challenging is it to talk to them about the things that matter the most to you or the things which bring you the most shame?
It can be incredibly difficult to voice my thoughts if I feel something is personally shameful. Those confessions are often had LATE at night, in the dark, with my eyes closed...or sometimes whispered in someone's ear.
Depending on that you mean by “things that matter the most”, I don't find it to challenging to speak up on things I believe in. Part of that is just born out of the political involvement...you CAN'T be silent in those fields and get anything done!
Is it transparency when you are only open about the good things that you've done or thought? What about your secret and shameful thoughts?
No, a person isn't being transparent when only open about the easy things. Those are EASY to have out. Real transparency is when you can honestly reveal the harder, secret, “shameful” thoughts.
How ready and willing are you to be transparent when you're questioning your love for your owner or questioning his decisions and motives?
I had a very difficult time with Sir on occasion...partly because I had a growing certainty that there were too many differences in what we wanted in a relationship. It is also difficult for me to really understand/appreciate what it is that a sadist gets out of a particular play aspect. Beloved has this fascination with tickle-fetishes and “sensual sadism” that make me want to throw up my hands and pull out my hair. It's not any fun to be so reduced!!! Usually, I'm able to express that and if my partner insists, then it's something I submit to...
Are you able to be transparent when jealousy is twisting your heart?
I haven't felt truly challenged by jealousy in a long time.
How easy or difficult is it for you to be and to remain open to your owner; present and past relationships included?
I was brought up with the idea that if you can't say something nice, you don't say anything, so transparency is something that I suspect I will always have to work on. Add to that, I like to please people, so I often put my own needs and wants aside without a word. That tendency sometimes leads to a struggle with disappointment or resentment when no one notices.
Two years ago, I learned the hard way how very dangerous this can be. A nurse at the local hospital had me committed against my will. The ordeal only lasted a few hours...Beloved was very insistent that a DOCTOR review my case and found I was not a danger to myself or others...but it was very scary! Since then, I have worked hard to express my real feelings, needs, and wants...but it's not always perfect.
I especially get embarrassed by sexual desires and curiosities, still afraid of being judged poorly for such things. Sir did quite a bit of work with me in that area, and I'm grateful for that.
How challenging is it to talk to them about the things that matter the most to you or the things which bring you the most shame?
It can be incredibly difficult to voice my thoughts if I feel something is personally shameful. Those confessions are often had LATE at night, in the dark, with my eyes closed...or sometimes whispered in someone's ear.
Depending on that you mean by “things that matter the most”, I don't find it to challenging to speak up on things I believe in. Part of that is just born out of the political involvement...you CAN'T be silent in those fields and get anything done!
Is it transparency when you are only open about the good things that you've done or thought? What about your secret and shameful thoughts?
No, a person isn't being transparent when only open about the easy things. Those are EASY to have out. Real transparency is when you can honestly reveal the harder, secret, “shameful” thoughts.
How ready and willing are you to be transparent when you're questioning your love for your owner or questioning his decisions and motives?
I had a very difficult time with Sir on occasion...partly because I had a growing certainty that there were too many differences in what we wanted in a relationship. It is also difficult for me to really understand/appreciate what it is that a sadist gets out of a particular play aspect. Beloved has this fascination with tickle-fetishes and “sensual sadism” that make me want to throw up my hands and pull out my hair. It's not any fun to be so reduced!!! Usually, I'm able to express that and if my partner insists, then it's something I submit to...
Are you able to be transparent when jealousy is twisting your heart?
I haven't felt truly challenged by jealousy in a long time.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
When the first baby laughed for the first time, the laugh broke into a thousand pieces and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies. ~ James M. Barrie
How come it's ALWAYS the FAIRIES that get mention? *sigh* It's racist, I swear. Just for that, I ain't telling what the beginning of pixies was...But I'll give ya a hint. *wink* Today is my birthday! *grin*
Beloved teased me this morning, saying I was trying to stretch my birthday celebrations out as far as possible. I can't argue too much...I happen to LIKE my birthday.
Last Saturday, I was lucky enough to get together with seven wonderfully fun, slightly (significantly?) perverse, and highly kinky friends for some pizza at Gino's East. The little sidenote is that that particular location was where Beloved and I had our very first date some fourteen years ago....awwwww! It was a blast! Our reservations were for 7:30, and Beloved and I didn't actually get in our car and head home until after 10:30! Conversations ranged all over the place, but there was definitely "inappropriate discussion" had. *giggles* There is something incredibly freeing about having a large group in a public place and just not caring who might hear what. I got to see a fellow SJW-er to boot! (Thanks so much Lady! It was awesome to see you...and I hope Beloved and I can make a trip to Indy sometime soon!) HBYnSSQ gave me a couple of sweet cards, too, and they gave me a much needed lift. (Boy adores the sirens...I'll pay you back for that by visiting work and showing him the alarm at the end of the tour!)
Tonight, we're going out for dinner to Sweet Tomatoes. Okay, so maybe I'm a cheap date, but I love the soups AND I have a 2-fer coupon (I did mention I'm a cheap date, right?)
Wednesday, I'm getting the carpets cleaned. *snickers* There will be no hanky-panky this time...pregnancy and an agreement with Jason to keep the fantasy from tottering into something else, but there's still some amusement to be had there.
Thursday, I get to head to my sister's place for a 2-hour prenatal massage. *wriggles* She's been super-busy this go around because she's teaching as well as working, so I haven't been able to take proper advantage of my blood-tie to a professional massage therapist, but she's arranged the morning to pamper me!
I feel like one very lucky Pixie! I'll have to get back to you regarding those silly spanking rumors...
How come it's ALWAYS the FAIRIES that get mention? *sigh* It's racist, I swear. Just for that, I ain't telling what the beginning of pixies was...But I'll give ya a hint. *wink* Today is my birthday! *grin*
Beloved teased me this morning, saying I was trying to stretch my birthday celebrations out as far as possible. I can't argue too much...I happen to LIKE my birthday.
Last Saturday, I was lucky enough to get together with seven wonderfully fun, slightly (significantly?) perverse, and highly kinky friends for some pizza at Gino's East. The little sidenote is that that particular location was where Beloved and I had our very first date some fourteen years ago....awwwww! It was a blast! Our reservations were for 7:30, and Beloved and I didn't actually get in our car and head home until after 10:30! Conversations ranged all over the place, but there was definitely "inappropriate discussion" had. *giggles* There is something incredibly freeing about having a large group in a public place and just not caring who might hear what. I got to see a fellow SJW-er to boot! (Thanks so much Lady! It was awesome to see you...and I hope Beloved and I can make a trip to Indy sometime soon!) HBYnSSQ gave me a couple of sweet cards, too, and they gave me a much needed lift. (Boy adores the sirens...I'll pay you back for that by visiting work and showing him the alarm at the end of the tour!)
Tonight, we're going out for dinner to Sweet Tomatoes. Okay, so maybe I'm a cheap date, but I love the soups AND I have a 2-fer coupon (I did mention I'm a cheap date, right?)
Wednesday, I'm getting the carpets cleaned. *snickers* There will be no hanky-panky this time...pregnancy and an agreement with Jason to keep the fantasy from tottering into something else, but there's still some amusement to be had there.
Thursday, I get to head to my sister's place for a 2-hour prenatal massage. *wriggles* She's been super-busy this go around because she's teaching as well as working, so I haven't been able to take proper advantage of my blood-tie to a professional massage therapist, but she's arranged the morning to pamper me!
I feel like one very lucky Pixie! I'll have to get back to you regarding those silly spanking rumors...
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Wish I were angry and indignant...
Instead I'm sad and guilty for hurting someone I care about. Sir and I have closed off our relationship, and I've been cut out of his life. I have some small hopes that maybe he will move past the anger and we might be friends again, but only time will tell. I believe that it is for the best, that we were looking for different things, that ultimately he will be better for not having me as a prominent feature in his life...
Or maybe he is correct and I'm not courageous enough to not make excuses.
*sigh*
Or maybe he is correct and I'm not courageous enough to not make excuses.
*sigh*
Friday, May 22, 2009
DD_ss Passion or Play Time?
How much is your submission, your slavery or your dominance a part of your life?
I think first you have to define “submission”, and I haven't really been able to do that yet. The dictionary says,
the condition of being submissive, humble, or compliant;
an act of submitting to the authority or control of another
to yield oneself to the authority or will of another Do I do this? I place others' needs and desires ahead of my own...I try to anticipate what others might like and plan accordingly. At the same time, I can be stubborn and willful, and I have a very hard time capitulating. Does that make me submissive?
I view myself as a servant to the Universe. Individuals come and go, and I do my best to serve them in the ways that I can, but I chaff when I feel someone is taking advantage...
So where does that leave the answer? On a day-to-day I live to serve...it's just not necessarily a PERSON whom I am yielding to.
Is your submission, your slavery or your dominance something which gets limited exposure?
I don't think it's limited...I don't go around with an obvious collar around my neck. At the same time, we host gatherings for kinky groups, and they are aware of my submissive stance.
Is it an all-consuming passion which is manifested in everything that you do and in every thought that you have? Does it influence and govern your actions and thoughts at all times and provide you with an enduring goal in your life?
I would not say that my submission governs EVERYTHING...and I certainly don't feel like I have an enduring goal in life beyond the general “make the world a better place”...
Is it something that you can turn on at will and specific only to certain activities in your life?
*laughs* No. If it were, I so would have been able to create a convincing Domme and had a sissy maid cleaning my house for the last six months! As it is, I am too consumed with trying to help, to carry my weight, to work along side someone rather than accept service. And I am not comfortable asking for service.
When you think of yourself how do you describe your involvement in BDSM; is it a 24/7 orientation or one which you choose when and where it will be visible?
I am not in a BDSM relationship; that is not where my submission lies. I do live a 24/7 life of service to those around me, and occasionally I am asked to submit to something in lines with the BDSM world, and in those cases, I submit as a service to my partner. Because I don't “crackle in subspace” and merely endure the BDSM play, I've been accused of not being submissive. *shrug*
If someday all orientations of this sort were rejected by society and you could no longer celebrate who you are ... who would you be?
I don't think much would change, honestly. Before I knew any of the language of D/s, I was submissive to the need to help others. I have always used my talents and skills to help...whether it was in arguing for improvements in student housing, pursued elected officials on votes to make communities environmentally safer, or argued with authorities to get poor kids into Medicaid programs...I have always bent my life to the service of others. It doesn't matter if I wear a collar or have a the label of “submissive”...I would continue to be a mother, a wife, a domestic servant, a community servant, etc.
I think first you have to define “submission”, and I haven't really been able to do that yet. The dictionary says,
an act of submitting to the authority or control of another
to yield oneself to the authority or will of another
I view myself as a servant to the Universe. Individuals come and go, and I do my best to serve them in the ways that I can, but I chaff when I feel someone is taking advantage...
So where does that leave the answer? On a day-to-day I live to serve...it's just not necessarily a PERSON whom I am yielding to.
Is your submission, your slavery or your dominance something which gets limited exposure?
I don't think it's limited...I don't go around with an obvious collar around my neck. At the same time, we host gatherings for kinky groups, and they are aware of my submissive stance.
Is it an all-consuming passion which is manifested in everything that you do and in every thought that you have? Does it influence and govern your actions and thoughts at all times and provide you with an enduring goal in your life?
I would not say that my submission governs EVERYTHING...and I certainly don't feel like I have an enduring goal in life beyond the general “make the world a better place”...
Is it something that you can turn on at will and specific only to certain activities in your life?
*laughs* No. If it were, I so would have been able to create a convincing Domme and had a sissy maid cleaning my house for the last six months! As it is, I am too consumed with trying to help, to carry my weight, to work along side someone rather than accept service. And I am not comfortable asking for service.
When you think of yourself how do you describe your involvement in BDSM; is it a 24/7 orientation or one which you choose when and where it will be visible?
I am not in a BDSM relationship; that is not where my submission lies. I do live a 24/7 life of service to those around me, and occasionally I am asked to submit to something in lines with the BDSM world, and in those cases, I submit as a service to my partner. Because I don't “crackle in subspace” and merely endure the BDSM play, I've been accused of not being submissive. *shrug*
If someday all orientations of this sort were rejected by society and you could no longer celebrate who you are ... who would you be?
I don't think much would change, honestly. Before I knew any of the language of D/s, I was submissive to the need to help others. I have always used my talents and skills to help...whether it was in arguing for improvements in student housing, pursued elected officials on votes to make communities environmentally safer, or argued with authorities to get poor kids into Medicaid programs...I have always bent my life to the service of others. It doesn't matter if I wear a collar or have a the label of “submissive”...I would continue to be a mother, a wife, a domestic servant, a community servant, etc.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
blown away...
"if language were a liquid, it would be rushing in..." ~Suzanne Vega
I can't begin to express my feelings right now...I've gotten so many notes from people in the last two days...encouragements, hugs, thoughts, compliments... I don't know what to say..."thank you" seems so hollow. Please know that you are beautiful and special and have touched me deeply.
*hugs*
I can't begin to express my feelings right now...I've gotten so many notes from people in the last two days...encouragements, hugs, thoughts, compliments... I don't know what to say..."thank you" seems so hollow. Please know that you are beautiful and special and have touched me deeply.
*hugs*
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Big Bang?
"[T]he term Big Bang generally refers to the idea that the universe has expanded from a primordial hot and dense initial condition..." ~ Wikipedia
Of course, to begin with, there has to be a "primordial hot and dense initial condition" right? That's sort of how I'm feeling these days...the pressure is just building up...
So what's going on? There's no particular order to these things, just stuff that are adding to the brew.
* It's been a week since I had a chance to write here...half of that time, we were without Internet in the house, and that was a bummer. Line's been fixed, but it was an amazingly busy weekend...Beloved's procedure, drum circle, game day, poly potluck...Basically I have a week's worth of e-mail and thoughts, and even a quiet hour to get through it.
* I had a dream in which I was dreaming (weird, huh?)...in the "dream" dream, I was told to kneel in a parking lot and submit to something, and I flat out refused...and when I "woke up" I was trying to explain that I obviously wasn't and could never be a submissive. It's like my sub-subconscious is trying to tell me something.
* I'm seven months pregnant and still dealing with morning sickness. Hyperemesis gravidarum. I have no illusions that this is going to stop until the baby arrives...It's how my first pregnancy went, anyway. But just because I have prior experience with HG doesn't make the bad days any easier. I'm sick and tired of throwing up, of not having energy, of the taste of Zofran. Sixy-four days.
* My roommates are leaving the weekend of June 13th...another month. There's a lot rolled up behind that, but I'm gritting my teeth and holding on. Enough said.
* Beloved did the manly thing last Friday and had a vasectomy. He's been pretty fantastic about the whole experience. There was a bit of stress leading up to the procedure, and now there's the healing process. He's stubborn like I am and doing too much, but I can't say anything since I have and plan to do the same.
* Sir and I seem to have this disconnect that I don't know how to resolve. Hell, I don't even know how to define! It seems like the more I try to be clear, the muddier the waters get.
* My family is falling apart. True, I've seen this storm brewing for years, but my father is separating from my step-mother, semi-officially. My sister is a nervy cat because he wants to move in with her, and she's not had roommates and wants my...sympathy??? er...yeah. Having had Beloved's parents live with us on separate occasions and various other roommates over the years, I fail to see what the big deal is. I am perhaps a little annoyed that he didn't talk to ME...but my current roommates aren't leaving for another month and he can't wait... *shrug*
* I don't quite know what to do about my yard. I need to do some planting and some serious weeding...neither are easy when you're seven months pregnant and low on energy, not to mention a 2-year old "helper" that likes to run off and the yard isn't fenced in. Blah.
* I had a brush with prejudice...I got kicked out of a "family-oriented group" because of my affiliation with my polyamory group and a cuddling group. The irony is that it happened the evening I have 25 people over for dinner and the house was a riot of children. I don't know how much more FAMILY-oriented I could get. Still, it's disheartening that people are so quick to jump to conclusions...
So, yeah...I've felt some stuff brewing up into a "primordial hot and dense initial condition". How much longer before things start to explode?
Of course, to begin with, there has to be a "primordial hot and dense initial condition" right? That's sort of how I'm feeling these days...the pressure is just building up...
So what's going on? There's no particular order to these things, just stuff that are adding to the brew.
* It's been a week since I had a chance to write here...half of that time, we were without Internet in the house, and that was a bummer. Line's been fixed, but it was an amazingly busy weekend...Beloved's procedure, drum circle, game day, poly potluck...Basically I have a week's worth of e-mail and thoughts, and even a quiet hour to get through it.
* I had a dream in which I was dreaming (weird, huh?)...in the "dream" dream, I was told to kneel in a parking lot and submit to something, and I flat out refused...and when I "woke up" I was trying to explain that I obviously wasn't and could never be a submissive. It's like my sub-subconscious is trying to tell me something.
* I'm seven months pregnant and still dealing with morning sickness. Hyperemesis gravidarum. I have no illusions that this is going to stop until the baby arrives...It's how my first pregnancy went, anyway. But just because I have prior experience with HG doesn't make the bad days any easier. I'm sick and tired of throwing up, of not having energy, of the taste of Zofran. Sixy-four days.
* My roommates are leaving the weekend of June 13th...another month. There's a lot rolled up behind that, but I'm gritting my teeth and holding on. Enough said.
* Beloved did the manly thing last Friday and had a vasectomy. He's been pretty fantastic about the whole experience. There was a bit of stress leading up to the procedure, and now there's the healing process. He's stubborn like I am and doing too much, but I can't say anything since I have and plan to do the same.
* Sir and I seem to have this disconnect that I don't know how to resolve. Hell, I don't even know how to define! It seems like the more I try to be clear, the muddier the waters get.
* My family is falling apart. True, I've seen this storm brewing for years, but my father is separating from my step-mother, semi-officially. My sister is a nervy cat because he wants to move in with her, and she's not had roommates and wants my...sympathy??? er...yeah. Having had Beloved's parents live with us on separate occasions and various other roommates over the years, I fail to see what the big deal is. I am perhaps a little annoyed that he didn't talk to ME...but my current roommates aren't leaving for another month and he can't wait... *shrug*
* I don't quite know what to do about my yard. I need to do some planting and some serious weeding...neither are easy when you're seven months pregnant and low on energy, not to mention a 2-year old "helper" that likes to run off and the yard isn't fenced in. Blah.
* I had a brush with prejudice...I got kicked out of a "family-oriented group" because of my affiliation with my polyamory group and a cuddling group. The irony is that it happened the evening I have 25 people over for dinner and the house was a riot of children. I don't know how much more FAMILY-oriented I could get. Still, it's disheartening that people are so quick to jump to conclusions...
So, yeah...I've felt some stuff brewing up into a "primordial hot and dense initial condition". How much longer before things start to explode?
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Great Expectations!
Unless Baby has other plans, we are scheduled for Wednesday, July 22nd at 9:30 am!
*weepy shaky laugh* I'm scared and excited and exhausted!
*weepy shaky laugh* I'm scared and excited and exhausted!
Monday, May 11, 2009
72 days...
What more can be said? My throat is raw from being sick this morning. My head hurts. I want to curl up and hide.
That's not an option of course. Boy is incredibly patient, but he is only 2. I feel horrible about using the television, but on days like this, thank god for Buzz Lightyear. *soft sigh* Seventy-two days seems like an eternity right now.
That's not an option of course. Boy is incredibly patient, but he is only 2. I feel horrible about using the television, but on days like this, thank god for Buzz Lightyear. *soft sigh* Seventy-two days seems like an eternity right now.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Fragile Things
"The first thing I had to learn about her, and maybe the hardest I've ever had to learn about anything...That she is her own, and what she gives me is of her choosing, and the more precious because of it. Sometimes a butterfly will come and sit in your open palm, but if you close your hand, one way or the other, it...and it's choice to be there...are gone."
~Barbara Hambly
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Our Deepest Fear
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light , not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be
brilliant,
gorgeous,
talented,
fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of god.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make and manifest the glory of god that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
~ Marianne Williamson
That was read at the opening of SJW. I can't honestly say what it was Beloved said this morning that made me recall the poem, but it was something similar. That my submission isn't for anyone else...it is for ME. And that I have the right to say what I will submit to...where I will shine. He also firmly pointed out that I'm just working through subdrop. heh. JUST.
I've been sick several times this morning...really unpleasant since I'd taken Boy to the mall so he could play. Seriously, public rest rooms are the worst place to be sick.
One of the other SJW-ers wrote about being drained. Yeah...that too. I'm trying not to feel bitter, but I feel like everyone around me saw SJW as a vacation...hell, I looked at it that way before I left...but it was hard hard work and I'm worn out. I'd give a lot to have one day to myself...no doctor appointments to rush to, no chores, no company...just quiet sleep and recovery. I just don't know how to make that happen.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light , not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be
brilliant,
gorgeous,
talented,
fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of god.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make and manifest the glory of god that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
~ Marianne Williamson
That was read at the opening of SJW. I can't honestly say what it was Beloved said this morning that made me recall the poem, but it was something similar. That my submission isn't for anyone else...it is for ME. And that I have the right to say what I will submit to...where I will shine. He also firmly pointed out that I'm just working through subdrop. heh. JUST.
I've been sick several times this morning...really unpleasant since I'd taken Boy to the mall so he could play. Seriously, public rest rooms are the worst place to be sick.
One of the other SJW-ers wrote about being drained. Yeah...that too. I'm trying not to feel bitter, but I feel like everyone around me saw SJW as a vacation...hell, I looked at it that way before I left...but it was hard hard work and I'm worn out. I'd give a lot to have one day to myself...no doctor appointments to rush to, no chores, no company...just quiet sleep and recovery. I just don't know how to make that happen.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Once more into the breech dear friends
I thought I was finally figuring things out. I thought I had found a place of acceptance and comfort. I thought...maybe...for once...I had an answer.
*sigh* I'm afraid I'm going to bore you with the details of my day...but since everything snowballed, you'll just have to sift through it.
The day began with me being sick. Unpleasant, but not that unusual, and it's the day I go in for acupuncture. Still, it's no fun to start out throwing up and nauseous. I managed a glass of milk before Beloved left, and he asked that I see to a thorough dusting, our bathroom, and picking up the bedroom. I added on laundry, mostly because *I* was out of clean unders, and dinner because I'd already signed up for it. I also needed to hit the bank and the store. It's a lot, given that I was going to lose the afternoon to a doctor's appointment, and I knew it. Still, I was confident I could do it.
I spent the morning chatting online with Sir and playing cars with Boy while running the first two loads of laundry. My first stumbling block came up when Sir said he'd like to see the protocols I'd learned at the retreat. Um...protocols??? I didn't learn any...that wasn't one of the classes I'd attended, and really, I'm not all that interested in such things. It's a major reason I avoid religion, too. But...but Sir wants to teach me protocols. I expressed my concerns, he was adamant that the protocols be made my own Pixie self's... Okay...I can give it my best. We'll discuss what he wants and I'll figure out how to make it work...
By the time I signed off, I knew I was going to have to get seriously focused. I got Boy packed up and to his friends' house for the afternoon, got home at 11:30, and floundered. What did Beloved mean by a "thorough dusting"? Had I not done a good job last week? Instead of second-guessing, I shot off a request for clarification and went upstairs...the bathroom was easy, and while the bedroom was intimidating, I at least knew what was needed there.
I was reasonably happy with the state of things there by 12:10. I was feeling very shaky and jittery, almost nauseous. I tried some cereal and lost it, but felt better for that. I caught Beloved at 12:20 and he clarified what he wanted and agreed to watch Boy in the evening so I could do the bank and store then... Okay. It was 12:30. One hour...dusting, dinner, a shower, move laundry, and get out of here.
Except for the shower, I actually managed to do it, and I was quite satisfied with the accomplishments...Even called Beloved and told him so!
Traffic was awful. My regular doctor is on vacation, so I was seeing someone who didn't know precisely what points I got, and I wasn't in the usual room I got treatment. It happens...but I got my needles, it will be okay. Traffic was worse heading home, though, in part because of thunderstorms...
I was listening to NPR and pondering the differences between title-holding submissives and serving politicians and remember Master Gallad's comment about serving a philosophy or the Universe... Complicated thoughts, but of the three, the last is closest to what I'd like. How does the prayer go? "Make me an instrument of Your peace..."? To bad I can't really buy into religion...I question too much.
I picked up Boy, got home, moved laundry again, and had the table set and dinner ALMOST done by the time the guys got in from work. See? SEE?!? I CAN DO THIS! We ate dinner, I scooted off to the bank and store, got home, put everything away...
The house was quiet, so I stole a few minutes to check e-mail, but I was promptly "caught" when Boy and Beloved came downstairs looking for a snack before bed. Beloved gave me a wonderful backrub while Boy ate cheese. When they decided to play a little bit, logged into chat to check in with Sir...which lasted about 5 minutes. Boy declared he wanted me to tuck him in as Beloved took him upstairs...I signed off, but by the time I got upstairs, the lights were off, Boy was tucked in, and I upset everything by coming in...
I grabbed the laundry basket, gave Boy a kiss, and was tsk-ed out of the room by Beloved to the tears of Boy. Not so good... I moved laundry again, and was in the bedroom starting to fold it when Beloved came in. Without a word, he took what I'd started, tossed it back in the basket, and set the baskets on the floor. Then he told me to get on the bed, kneeling, with my hands behind my neck.
He then told me to put my head down and gave me a pretty mild spanking, telling me it was simply because he wanted to. I was gritting my teeth already...perhaps that's the warning sign I need to look for...and he told me to flip over and spread my legs. He told me to count as he licked my pussy. I was tight-fisting the blanket and wished he'd just fuck me and leave me alone... Then he told me I didn't have to count, continued teasing me, but began talking.
How he loved my pussy. How he loved the sight, the taste, the feel...
*shakes head* Remember, I skipped my shower to get everything else done? On top of which, I've NEVER been comfortable receiving...
I just started crying. What kind of submissive can't submit to RECEIVING??? I just wanted it to be over. I was tired, I'd worked to hard to get everything done, why wasn't that enough, why do I have to learn protocols, why can I never be enough to satisfy Beloved or Sir just the way I am, am I so worthless and stubborn and stupid... I spiraled out of control pretty fast, and it took over an hour of Beloved holding me, reassuring me... He scolded me for not safewording, or at least telling him "yellow light", but at what point do you know when to do that? At what point is it no longer "safe"? I was calm enough to talk to him, and finally we got under the covers, and he was snoring lightly...
I'm not crying now...but I had to get up and write. I can't let it go. I want to throw everything out...the SJW book, the experiences, the collars, the submission, my life as it currently stands. I just can't do it. I don't have any answers, I'm not any closer to balance and acceptance, I'm just a nothing.
Take all the traits that are undesirable, roll them into a ball, and you've got ME. Argumentative, complaining, sick, unbalanced, whining, insecure...
Okay, I lied. I AM crying. I really wanted this past weekend to change me. I really thought that I'd found a magical place of confidence inside myself and that it was all going to be BETTER now. So much for transformation. I'm right back in the puddle I started in.
*sigh* I'm afraid I'm going to bore you with the details of my day...but since everything snowballed, you'll just have to sift through it.
The day began with me being sick. Unpleasant, but not that unusual, and it's the day I go in for acupuncture. Still, it's no fun to start out throwing up and nauseous. I managed a glass of milk before Beloved left, and he asked that I see to a thorough dusting, our bathroom, and picking up the bedroom. I added on laundry, mostly because *I* was out of clean unders, and dinner because I'd already signed up for it. I also needed to hit the bank and the store. It's a lot, given that I was going to lose the afternoon to a doctor's appointment, and I knew it. Still, I was confident I could do it.
I spent the morning chatting online with Sir and playing cars with Boy while running the first two loads of laundry. My first stumbling block came up when Sir said he'd like to see the protocols I'd learned at the retreat. Um...protocols??? I didn't learn any...that wasn't one of the classes I'd attended, and really, I'm not all that interested in such things. It's a major reason I avoid religion, too. But...but Sir wants to teach me protocols. I expressed my concerns, he was adamant that the protocols be made my own Pixie self's... Okay...I can give it my best. We'll discuss what he wants and I'll figure out how to make it work...
By the time I signed off, I knew I was going to have to get seriously focused. I got Boy packed up and to his friends' house for the afternoon, got home at 11:30, and floundered. What did Beloved mean by a "thorough dusting"? Had I not done a good job last week? Instead of second-guessing, I shot off a request for clarification and went upstairs...the bathroom was easy, and while the bedroom was intimidating, I at least knew what was needed there.
I was reasonably happy with the state of things there by 12:10. I was feeling very shaky and jittery, almost nauseous. I tried some cereal and lost it, but felt better for that. I caught Beloved at 12:20 and he clarified what he wanted and agreed to watch Boy in the evening so I could do the bank and store then... Okay. It was 12:30. One hour...dusting, dinner, a shower, move laundry, and get out of here.
Except for the shower, I actually managed to do it, and I was quite satisfied with the accomplishments...Even called Beloved and told him so!
Traffic was awful. My regular doctor is on vacation, so I was seeing someone who didn't know precisely what points I got, and I wasn't in the usual room I got treatment. It happens...but I got my needles, it will be okay. Traffic was worse heading home, though, in part because of thunderstorms...
I was listening to NPR and pondering the differences between title-holding submissives and serving politicians and remember Master Gallad's comment about serving a philosophy or the Universe... Complicated thoughts, but of the three, the last is closest to what I'd like. How does the prayer go? "Make me an instrument of Your peace..."? To bad I can't really buy into religion...I question too much.
I picked up Boy, got home, moved laundry again, and had the table set and dinner ALMOST done by the time the guys got in from work. See? SEE?!? I CAN DO THIS! We ate dinner, I scooted off to the bank and store, got home, put everything away...
The house was quiet, so I stole a few minutes to check e-mail, but I was promptly "caught" when Boy and Beloved came downstairs looking for a snack before bed. Beloved gave me a wonderful backrub while Boy ate cheese. When they decided to play a little bit, logged into chat to check in with Sir...which lasted about 5 minutes. Boy declared he wanted me to tuck him in as Beloved took him upstairs...I signed off, but by the time I got upstairs, the lights were off, Boy was tucked in, and I upset everything by coming in...
I grabbed the laundry basket, gave Boy a kiss, and was tsk-ed out of the room by Beloved to the tears of Boy. Not so good... I moved laundry again, and was in the bedroom starting to fold it when Beloved came in. Without a word, he took what I'd started, tossed it back in the basket, and set the baskets on the floor. Then he told me to get on the bed, kneeling, with my hands behind my neck.
He then told me to put my head down and gave me a pretty mild spanking, telling me it was simply because he wanted to. I was gritting my teeth already...perhaps that's the warning sign I need to look for...and he told me to flip over and spread my legs. He told me to count as he licked my pussy. I was tight-fisting the blanket and wished he'd just fuck me and leave me alone... Then he told me I didn't have to count, continued teasing me, but began talking.
How he loved my pussy. How he loved the sight, the taste, the feel...
*shakes head* Remember, I skipped my shower to get everything else done? On top of which, I've NEVER been comfortable receiving...
I just started crying. What kind of submissive can't submit to RECEIVING??? I just wanted it to be over. I was tired, I'd worked to hard to get everything done, why wasn't that enough, why do I have to learn protocols, why can I never be enough to satisfy Beloved or Sir just the way I am, am I so worthless and stubborn and stupid... I spiraled out of control pretty fast, and it took over an hour of Beloved holding me, reassuring me... He scolded me for not safewording, or at least telling him "yellow light", but at what point do you know when to do that? At what point is it no longer "safe"? I was calm enough to talk to him, and finally we got under the covers, and he was snoring lightly...
I'm not crying now...but I had to get up and write. I can't let it go. I want to throw everything out...the SJW book, the experiences, the collars, the submission, my life as it currently stands. I just can't do it. I don't have any answers, I'm not any closer to balance and acceptance, I'm just a nothing.
Take all the traits that are undesirable, roll them into a ball, and you've got ME. Argumentative, complaining, sick, unbalanced, whining, insecure...
Okay, I lied. I AM crying. I really wanted this past weekend to change me. I really thought that I'd found a magical place of confidence inside myself and that it was all going to be BETTER now. So much for transformation. I'm right back in the puddle I started in.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Home Safe...
I attended the Submissive Journey Weeknend and I'm home safe.
It was seriously intense. I have never felt so accepted or acceptable in a group before. I have some journaling to type up and share about the details of classes and such, but I think I'm going to have a lot of processing to do about my experiences, thoughts, and feelings.
edit...I've put the first couple of entries up beneath this post...
It was seriously intense. I have never felt so accepted or acceptable in a group before. I have some journaling to type up and share about the details of classes and such, but I think I'm going to have a lot of processing to do about my experiences, thoughts, and feelings.
edit...I've put the first couple of entries up beneath this post...
SJW: Day 3
Having been up waaaaaay to late the night before, getting up at 7:30 am was not fun, but there was WORK to be done! It was the last day of the retreat, and today we had to clear everything and pack up. We stripped the bedding and collected the towels for laundering and packed up all our personal gear before heading upstairs for breakfast.
Everyone was pretty subdued from lack of sleep and not wanting to say goodbye. Once again, I managed to get kitchen work (I think part of it was people not wanting me climbing stairs...hehe). At one point, I used my voice projection to get the attention of everyone for a last call on food, and actually got applause for my "hidden" ability to be heard (thank you, rally work!). Once breakfast was cleared, we sat down for our last group meeting.
It was noticeably different from the first. About half of the group was sprawled out on the floor instead of sitting rigidly in chairs. Hair and clothes were less "first impression" neat. It wasn't just me...it was obvious that everyone was more comfortable in this space.
The meeting started with slave ziggy saying there wasn't time to go around to everyone, but on the first day, he had asked us each for three words to introduce ourselves and three words to describe our state of mind. He asked for volunteers...had the three words describing your state of mind changed? It had for many people, and I wasn't the only crying. It sort of dissolved into general comments, applause and thanks for the staff, for each other. I told everyone that for the first time, I really felt like I'd come home. Another gal expressed fear of leaving, of losing this new family, and I soooo understood what she meant. We were all also warned about subdrop over the next day, week, month as we continued to process the retreat.
As part of this graduation, each of us was presented with a certificate.
When handing mine to me, slave ziggy hugged me and whispered that I'd done well. I know that each participant got some sort of special thought from him, but it still meant a lot. I'm still in awe of his composition and balance.
When all the certificates were handed out, the DenMother said, "We have 45 submissives and 20 minutes...can we clean this place top to bottom?" There was laughter, and someone yelled out "So you want us to take our time? Stretch it out?" More laughter, and we set to work.
I don't know how the rest of the chores went, but the kitchen was a little daunting. There was so much left over!!! A lot was set out for people to claim, either for the drive home or to take home to families. Given I was flying, I couldn't take much, and Beloved wants to throttle me for bring the one thing of Oreo cookies home as it is. *grin*
After that, there was a lot of standing around in the parking lot, saying goodbye. No one wanted to be the first to leave, but I'd promised to get one of my carpoolers to the airport pretty early...we ended up being the first out.
Of course, the roads in the Smokey Mountains hate me. I'm not sure HOW we pulled it off (Twilight Zone???) but we managed to make a complete circle of the scenic drive through the mountains and after an hour, ended up right back where we started! There's something about pixie-magic...it works with a precision I don't always appreciate: When we had left, we had about one extra hour. I'd said outloud we needed to be at the airport at 1 pm. We did actually pull into the rental return at 12:57 pm. How's that for precision? *laughs* None of us minded all that much...it was a pretty drive and good company, and it all worked out perfectly.
We got checked in and then got some food to wait for our individual boarding calls. *laughs* We weren't exactly bashful about talking about submission, our Sirs, etc. I noticed a few very curious (trying not to be obvious) listeners, and that was fun.
Beloved and Boy picked me up at the airport right on time, and I couldn't stop crying. It's hard to explain why...still! I'm so grateful for the experience, for Beloved's love, for Sir's attentions. I wish I knew how to express it better...
The last day and a half of being home HAVE been hard. Yes, there's the subdrop...the emotional rollercoaster and confusion of getting back to regular life...both Beloved and Sir have wanted to have important conversations about our relationship, and that's been really challenging. I'm definitely fighting with sleep deprivation as well...
All told, SJW was an amazing experience!!! I'm sure there will be lots more to write about in the coming days, weeks, months...far from over, I've only just begun!
Everyone was pretty subdued from lack of sleep and not wanting to say goodbye. Once again, I managed to get kitchen work (I think part of it was people not wanting me climbing stairs...hehe). At one point, I used my voice projection to get the attention of everyone for a last call on food, and actually got applause for my "hidden" ability to be heard (thank you, rally work!). Once breakfast was cleared, we sat down for our last group meeting.
It was noticeably different from the first. About half of the group was sprawled out on the floor instead of sitting rigidly in chairs. Hair and clothes were less "first impression" neat. It wasn't just me...it was obvious that everyone was more comfortable in this space.
The meeting started with slave ziggy saying there wasn't time to go around to everyone, but on the first day, he had asked us each for three words to introduce ourselves and three words to describe our state of mind. He asked for volunteers...had the three words describing your state of mind changed? It had for many people, and I wasn't the only crying. It sort of dissolved into general comments, applause and thanks for the staff, for each other. I told everyone that for the first time, I really felt like I'd come home. Another gal expressed fear of leaving, of losing this new family, and I soooo understood what she meant. We were all also warned about subdrop over the next day, week, month as we continued to process the retreat.
As part of this graduation, each of us was presented with a certificate.
When handing mine to me, slave ziggy hugged me and whispered that I'd done well. I know that each participant got some sort of special thought from him, but it still meant a lot. I'm still in awe of his composition and balance.
When all the certificates were handed out, the DenMother said, "We have 45 submissives and 20 minutes...can we clean this place top to bottom?" There was laughter, and someone yelled out "So you want us to take our time? Stretch it out?" More laughter, and we set to work.
I don't know how the rest of the chores went, but the kitchen was a little daunting. There was so much left over!!! A lot was set out for people to claim, either for the drive home or to take home to families. Given I was flying, I couldn't take much, and Beloved wants to throttle me for bring the one thing of Oreo cookies home as it is. *grin*
After that, there was a lot of standing around in the parking lot, saying goodbye. No one wanted to be the first to leave, but I'd promised to get one of my carpoolers to the airport pretty early...we ended up being the first out.
Of course, the roads in the Smokey Mountains hate me. I'm not sure HOW we pulled it off (Twilight Zone???) but we managed to make a complete circle of the scenic drive through the mountains and after an hour, ended up right back where we started! There's something about pixie-magic...it works with a precision I don't always appreciate: When we had left, we had about one extra hour. I'd said outloud we needed to be at the airport at 1 pm. We did actually pull into the rental return at 12:57 pm. How's that for precision? *laughs* None of us minded all that much...it was a pretty drive and good company, and it all worked out perfectly.
We got checked in and then got some food to wait for our individual boarding calls. *laughs* We weren't exactly bashful about talking about submission, our Sirs, etc. I noticed a few very curious (trying not to be obvious) listeners, and that was fun.
Beloved and Boy picked me up at the airport right on time, and I couldn't stop crying. It's hard to explain why...still! I'm so grateful for the experience, for Beloved's love, for Sir's attentions. I wish I knew how to express it better...
The last day and a half of being home HAVE been hard. Yes, there's the subdrop...the emotional rollercoaster and confusion of getting back to regular life...both Beloved and Sir have wanted to have important conversations about our relationship, and that's been really challenging. I'm definitely fighting with sleep deprivation as well...
All told, SJW was an amazing experience!!! I'm sure there will be lots more to write about in the coming days, weeks, months...far from over, I've only just begun!
Monday, May 4, 2009
SJW: Day 2
It's been a good day. You can tell that by the fact that it's 1 AM and I spent the last four hours laughing, playing cards, sharing stories, and BELONGING. I'm overwhelmed with how amazing this has been!
AND this is despite the HG. I was sick first thing this morning and violently ill just before supper. It was bad enough that although I was one of 6 names pulled for the erotic massage class (out of 30-40?), I simply could not do it today. That is how amazing the day has been.
My first class was Invoking the Power of Others. It wasn't what I expected. Instead it was a process of identifying what traits an "excellent" submissive would have. After that, select 10 that you really want to work on. Mine included:
Mallible Confident Balanced Joyful Healthy Transparent Open to Criticim Friendly Articulate Gracious
The hard part was then to identify one person, living or dead, who exemplified that trait. Consider them, observe them, talk to them, read about them, etc. When challenged, ask the "What Would "Exmplifier" Do?" I haven't been able to complete my list yet...it's harder than you'd think.
The next class was intense...Finding and Maintaining Fulfillment in Submission. Bits and pieces from the class -
* what draws me to submission? In my life, I need outside validation that I am of value. While so much of my service is done out of necessity, I need the reassurance that it is done well and appreciated, that it does in fact make a difference. When I was working, I had more tangible examples...published opinions in the newspaper, impact on a Senator's vote, improved statistics for applications we pushed through into actual healthcare for the uninsured. Now...? Being a stay-at-home mother shrank my world. I've been stretching it out with organizing local groups, but I don't understand how to measure the impacts I have with FVP or drum circle or the DOM or 8 loads of laundry and scrubbing baseboards. I've claimed "submissive" in order to gleen the notice of my work.
* I crave for things to make sense. As a child, so much of my life didn't make sense. My mom's illness and death. My father's alcoholism. Being raped. My sisters' health issues. I can take an awful lot, and I can give an awful lot, but only if I understand WHY. If the reason is simply that it pleases you, okay...but I need to know that.
*Why stay in the lifestyle? Although I need understanding and control, I also long to be free, to let go of my organization and rigid standards. I will fight this, but I'm desperate to experience a simple life. Give me permission to be my child PIXIE self.
*I am the steward of my own truth. I need to learn to cultivate my sense of self and embrace myself. This conflicts with my earlier desire to be mallible. I need to resolve this dichotomy.
*Perhaps this cannot work with love. OUCH! The questions presented made sense..."How often do you love your boss? How often does your boss love you?" Beloved and I are approaching D/s after 11 years of very close, very loving marriage. Sir and I love each other already. Can my submission work within those constructs? Something to consider in my hopes and expectations of a D/s relationship.
Lunch was spent in VERBAL silence, which I found slightly amusing compared to the Noble Silence of Vipassana. *shrug* My team was responsible for clean up afterwards, and it was easy easy. Two people worked the kitchen, two people collected garbage, and two people walked through the public areas and collected miscellaneous stuff. I got the kitchen, and it was mostly just putting leftovers away and wiping tables. Funny how smoothly things go with willing service submissives.
Class after lunch was on Polyamory. Unfortunately, I didn't learn as much as I'd hoped to. I was the only person in a relationship with two Dominants, and probably had more experience coaching poly exploration due to my work with FVP. I did learn some new terms, like "polycule" and there were some reading suggestions I'd like to follow up with (in all my free time).
By Mentoring and Leadership, I was starting to feel sick. I still asked questions and made notes. "Mentoring" has the ultimate goal of shaping one's skills, attitudes, thoughts, and behaviors. Sometimes (often?) it is better to have a like-mentor: submissive-submissive, for example. Avoid confusing the relationship with sex or play services.
My complaints - I haven't met ANY service-oriented people that I know of. The club, the parties, the munches have all be reflective of sex and play. Hard questions: Why can't I find others I could consider as a mentor? Do I come off as snobbish, do I not know enough people, do I not ask clearly enough?
Combining these rankling thoughts with my growing nausea did me in. I tried laying down, but I lost lunch and was left sobbing and aching. I managed to clean up, ask that some supper be saved for me, and walked down the fill searching for a cell signal. I managed to talk to Beloved and Boy for a few minutes before they disappeared. I felt a little better, but sat against a tree and wept for a while. One of my roommates came and found me and helped me back to the lodge. I laid down and slept through the last session.
I heard when classes were over and debated on getting up. I wanted to remain quiet, to hide. I was embarrassed about getting sick and just wanted to be left alone...but I also knew that was impossible. At the very least, I shared the room with six others and they would come to check on me, so I dragged myself upstairs. I was greeted and hugged and just...loved. We have been here together for 30 hours, and I was known and missed. I was a part of the family.
More than that...this retreat has been an affirmation. I've wavered about my submission for months...I've been TOLD I wasn't submissive. I've been lost and floundering, and this Submissive Journey Weekend changed that. While the details may be different, the core is the same with each one of us here. I fit in here. It's no longer a question in my head. I am a submissive. Now the real work begins.
How can I find the details that fit my life as a submissive?
How can this work in my everyday world?
AND this is despite the HG. I was sick first thing this morning and violently ill just before supper. It was bad enough that although I was one of 6 names pulled for the erotic massage class (out of 30-40?), I simply could not do it today. That is how amazing the day has been.
My first class was Invoking the Power of Others. It wasn't what I expected. Instead it was a process of identifying what traits an "excellent" submissive would have. After that, select 10 that you really want to work on. Mine included:
Mallible Confident Balanced Joyful Healthy Transparent Open to Criticim Friendly Articulate Gracious
The hard part was then to identify one person, living or dead, who exemplified that trait. Consider them, observe them, talk to them, read about them, etc. When challenged, ask the "What Would "Exmplifier" Do?" I haven't been able to complete my list yet...it's harder than you'd think.
The next class was intense...Finding and Maintaining Fulfillment in Submission. Bits and pieces from the class -
* what draws me to submission? In my life, I need outside validation that I am of value. While so much of my service is done out of necessity, I need the reassurance that it is done well and appreciated, that it does in fact make a difference. When I was working, I had more tangible examples...published opinions in the newspaper, impact on a Senator's vote, improved statistics for applications we pushed through into actual healthcare for the uninsured. Now...? Being a stay-at-home mother shrank my world. I've been stretching it out with organizing local groups, but I don't understand how to measure the impacts I have with FVP or drum circle or the DOM or 8 loads of laundry and scrubbing baseboards. I've claimed "submissive" in order to gleen the notice of my work.
* I crave for things to make sense. As a child, so much of my life didn't make sense. My mom's illness and death. My father's alcoholism. Being raped. My sisters' health issues. I can take an awful lot, and I can give an awful lot, but only if I understand WHY. If the reason is simply that it pleases you, okay...but I need to know that.
*Why stay in the lifestyle? Although I need understanding and control, I also long to be free, to let go of my organization and rigid standards. I will fight this, but I'm desperate to experience a simple life. Give me permission to be my child PIXIE self.
*I am the steward of my own truth. I need to learn to cultivate my sense of self and embrace myself. This conflicts with my earlier desire to be mallible. I need to resolve this dichotomy.
*Perhaps this cannot work with love. OUCH! The questions presented made sense..."How often do you love your boss? How often does your boss love you?" Beloved and I are approaching D/s after 11 years of very close, very loving marriage. Sir and I love each other already. Can my submission work within those constructs? Something to consider in my hopes and expectations of a D/s relationship.
Lunch was spent in VERBAL silence, which I found slightly amusing compared to the Noble Silence of Vipassana. *shrug* My team was responsible for clean up afterwards, and it was easy easy. Two people worked the kitchen, two people collected garbage, and two people walked through the public areas and collected miscellaneous stuff. I got the kitchen, and it was mostly just putting leftovers away and wiping tables. Funny how smoothly things go with willing service submissives.
Class after lunch was on Polyamory. Unfortunately, I didn't learn as much as I'd hoped to. I was the only person in a relationship with two Dominants, and probably had more experience coaching poly exploration due to my work with FVP. I did learn some new terms, like "polycule" and there were some reading suggestions I'd like to follow up with (in all my free time).
By Mentoring and Leadership, I was starting to feel sick. I still asked questions and made notes. "Mentoring" has the ultimate goal of shaping one's skills, attitudes, thoughts, and behaviors. Sometimes (often?) it is better to have a like-mentor: submissive-submissive, for example. Avoid confusing the relationship with sex or play services.
My complaints - I haven't met ANY service-oriented people that I know of. The club, the parties, the munches have all be reflective of sex and play. Hard questions: Why can't I find others I could consider as a mentor? Do I come off as snobbish, do I not know enough people, do I not ask clearly enough?
Combining these rankling thoughts with my growing nausea did me in. I tried laying down, but I lost lunch and was left sobbing and aching. I managed to clean up, ask that some supper be saved for me, and walked down the fill searching for a cell signal. I managed to talk to Beloved and Boy for a few minutes before they disappeared. I felt a little better, but sat against a tree and wept for a while. One of my roommates came and found me and helped me back to the lodge. I laid down and slept through the last session.
I heard when classes were over and debated on getting up. I wanted to remain quiet, to hide. I was embarrassed about getting sick and just wanted to be left alone...but I also knew that was impossible. At the very least, I shared the room with six others and they would come to check on me, so I dragged myself upstairs. I was greeted and hugged and just...loved. We have been here together for 30 hours, and I was known and missed. I was a part of the family.
More than that...this retreat has been an affirmation. I've wavered about my submission for months...I've been TOLD I wasn't submissive. I've been lost and floundering, and this Submissive Journey Weekend changed that. While the details may be different, the core is the same with each one of us here. I fit in here. It's no longer a question in my head. I am a submissive. Now the real work begins.
How can I find the details that fit my life as a submissive?
How can this work in my everyday world?
SJW: Day 1
I'm tired...but it's a relaxed, contented kind of tired and not the frantic tired that I was concerned about consuming me. So far, I have been at the Lodge for eight hours. There's been two discussions and once class. I'll get to those...
It's been pretty amazing how easy it's been. I'm speaking up and participating and only once have I felt like I might have over-stepped or made a fool of myself. It's been a little challenging not to TOUCH...I don't know what the rules are about touching and have held back. I miss the touch, though...the physical contact. Despite that, it does feel a little like family, which is odd and amazing and confusing. *soft smile* Why can't I accept myself the way these people have accepted me?
The first discussion was on rules of the Lodge. It was very much the standard spcheal. The discussion on "Submission in the 21st Century" was spirited. We talked about misconceptions, about confronting behaviors we find appalling, about labels, roles, complexity. The biggest "Take Home" for me was the question:
"Are you happy with the results you are getting?"
For me? No, the house isn't always up to my standards. Yes, I struggle with my intense desire to understand (unravel?) Sir. Yes, I want to be all thing to all people and batter my head when I fail to fulfill every possible (and imagined) desire of those around me. Yes, I long for Beloved's collar...to that symbol of his approval.
But in the BIG PICTURE? I think I am happy with the results. It's not perfect, but it is real.
"Personal Service" was less than I expected. We discussed sensual vs. non-sensual service, lifestyle vs. vanilla service (deciding quickly there's no real difference), the importance of communication and saying NO and being honest about abilities and feelings. This was where I monopolized the discussion and felt a little foolish for it...I talked about how I'd tried to hide my postpartum depression and ended up forcibly committed. It was a rather dramatic example of how not being transparent can really catch up. *sigh*
I think my "Take Home" is more from the blatant similarities - not in the details but in the basic ideas of what service is. I'm not alone in my desire to serve Beloved and Sir and others in non-BDSM ways! WOW!
Other random bits -
I'm having an intense SWEET craving and have nothing of my own to salve it. I've been offered all kids of junk food, but I'm naturally denying myself. Stick to my strengths, right?
I've been threatened with death if I go into labor here. *grin* It's entirely sweet and embarrassing how much others have cared and/or taken care of me...Total strangers...what have I done to deserve it?!?
Finding a quiet, lighted, seated space to write was a little challenging. I'm sorta wishing for the laptop and grateful I don't have it. Like the Vipassana, not having that distraction is a good thing.
With that, I think I'm going to go lay down. I'm not quite ready for SLEEP, but rest is desperately needed!
It's been pretty amazing how easy it's been. I'm speaking up and participating and only once have I felt like I might have over-stepped or made a fool of myself. It's been a little challenging not to TOUCH...I don't know what the rules are about touching and have held back. I miss the touch, though...the physical contact. Despite that, it does feel a little like family, which is odd and amazing and confusing. *soft smile* Why can't I accept myself the way these people have accepted me?
The first discussion was on rules of the Lodge. It was very much the standard spcheal. The discussion on "Submission in the 21st Century" was spirited. We talked about misconceptions, about confronting behaviors we find appalling, about labels, roles, complexity. The biggest "Take Home" for me was the question:
"Are you happy with the results you are getting?"
For me? No, the house isn't always up to my standards. Yes, I struggle with my intense desire to understand (unravel?) Sir. Yes, I want to be all thing to all people and batter my head when I fail to fulfill every possible (and imagined) desire of those around me. Yes, I long for Beloved's collar...to that symbol of his approval.
But in the BIG PICTURE? I think I am happy with the results. It's not perfect, but it is real.
"Personal Service" was less than I expected. We discussed sensual vs. non-sensual service, lifestyle vs. vanilla service (deciding quickly there's no real difference), the importance of communication and saying NO and being honest about abilities and feelings. This was where I monopolized the discussion and felt a little foolish for it...I talked about how I'd tried to hide my postpartum depression and ended up forcibly committed. It was a rather dramatic example of how not being transparent can really catch up. *sigh*
I think my "Take Home" is more from the blatant similarities - not in the details but in the basic ideas of what service is. I'm not alone in my desire to serve Beloved and Sir and others in non-BDSM ways! WOW!
Other random bits -
I'm having an intense SWEET craving and have nothing of my own to salve it. I've been offered all kids of junk food, but I'm naturally denying myself. Stick to my strengths, right?
I've been threatened with death if I go into labor here. *grin* It's entirely sweet and embarrassing how much others have cared and/or taken care of me...Total strangers...what have I done to deserve it?!?
Finding a quiet, lighted, seated space to write was a little challenging. I'm sorta wishing for the laptop and grateful I don't have it. Like the Vipassana, not having that distraction is a good thing.
With that, I think I'm going to go lay down. I'm not quite ready for SLEEP, but rest is desperately needed!
Friday, May 1, 2009
DD_ss Discussion: Anticipatory Service
Anticipatory service is the service that you provide or is provided for you in advance of being asked for. Is part of your service to your owner an anticipatory service?
A great deal of my service to Beloved is anticipatory. I suppose it's rather “1950's” style service...I don't usually need directions on maintaining the house or bills. I also don't wait for direction to seek out D/s learning opportunities...these I present when I find things I believe might be of interest to him...or I even create them, as is the case with the DOM.
I don't consider much of my service to Sir to be anticipatory...yet. I'm still trying to figure out where my SERVICE might fit in that relationship. Once I have identified a need, I try to attend to it, but I still need to discuss things with him before acting on them. An example is I recently found replacements for his couch and microwave.
Is there ever a time or place when this type of service is not appreciated or encouraged?
There have been discussions on FL about when anticipatory service can be construed as “Topping from the bottom”, but I think in general my services have been appreciated.
I have struggled with “being helpful” in scenes...perhaps that is an example of when it's not encouraged. There was a scene with Sir in which he dropped one of the cuffs...without thinking about it, I picked it up and offered it to him, but got scolded for it. I'm not used to waiting to be helpful.
I do this naturally and always have. I have an inner timer that rarely fails me ... I know when coffees need to be replenished, when a snack or an appetizer would be much appreciated or when my absolute attention and silence is needed.
I don't think that sex can be considered an anticipatory service because most men will most often always want sex in some form or the other . It took me years of research and practice but I finally figured that one out ...
In what ways do you anticipate your owner's needs?
Sort of a redundant question...With Beloved, I know when laundry needs doing, what groceries need purchasing, how he likes his tea. I develop a menu for the week and stick to it to keep our food bills in a budget. I keep track of the money flow and pay the bills. I maintain a calendar of important events and schedule appointments and occasional dates for him.
With Sir, like I mentioned, I'm still learning where I can be of service in the first place. The first time I spent the night, he told me to make coffee...the second time, I went ahead and made it while Sir showered. Still, it's a bit more of a challenge...I've been scolded and told to wait until asked to do something...
Do you do this on a regular basis?
Yes. It really doesn't matter if I'm in a D/s relationship or not...It's just something I do naturally for people around me...even those I'm not overly fond of.
Does this type of service in any way strengthen your relationship?
I think so...especially while I'm pregnant, it gives me an outlet for my submission, although really, I'm not much for the physical demands of BDSM anyway.
Is there ever a time when you are told to back down or stop?
*laughs* ALL THE TIME. I'm a perfectionist. On a few occasions, Beloved has restrained me to the bed to make me stop.
A great deal of my service to Beloved is anticipatory. I suppose it's rather “1950's” style service...I don't usually need directions on maintaining the house or bills. I also don't wait for direction to seek out D/s learning opportunities...these I present when I find things I believe might be of interest to him...or I even create them, as is the case with the DOM.
I don't consider much of my service to Sir to be anticipatory...yet. I'm still trying to figure out where my SERVICE might fit in that relationship. Once I have identified a need, I try to attend to it, but I still need to discuss things with him before acting on them. An example is I recently found replacements for his couch and microwave.
Is there ever a time or place when this type of service is not appreciated or encouraged?
There have been discussions on FL about when anticipatory service can be construed as “Topping from the bottom”, but I think in general my services have been appreciated.
I have struggled with “being helpful” in scenes...perhaps that is an example of when it's not encouraged. There was a scene with Sir in which he dropped one of the cuffs...without thinking about it, I picked it up and offered it to him, but got scolded for it. I'm not used to waiting to be helpful.
I do this naturally and always have. I have an inner timer that rarely fails me ... I know when coffees need to be replenished, when a snack or an appetizer would be much appreciated or when my absolute attention and silence is needed.
I don't think that sex can be considered an anticipatory service because most men will most often always want sex in some form or the other . It took me years of research and practice but I finally figured that one out ...
In what ways do you anticipate your owner's needs?
Sort of a redundant question...With Beloved, I know when laundry needs doing, what groceries need purchasing, how he likes his tea. I develop a menu for the week and stick to it to keep our food bills in a budget. I keep track of the money flow and pay the bills. I maintain a calendar of important events and schedule appointments and occasional dates for him.
With Sir, like I mentioned, I'm still learning where I can be of service in the first place. The first time I spent the night, he told me to make coffee...the second time, I went ahead and made it while Sir showered. Still, it's a bit more of a challenge...I've been scolded and told to wait until asked to do something...
Do you do this on a regular basis?
Yes. It really doesn't matter if I'm in a D/s relationship or not...It's just something I do naturally for people around me...even those I'm not overly fond of.
Does this type of service in any way strengthen your relationship?
I think so...especially while I'm pregnant, it gives me an outlet for my submission, although really, I'm not much for the physical demands of BDSM anyway.
Is there ever a time when you are told to back down or stop?
*laughs* ALL THE TIME. I'm a perfectionist. On a few occasions, Beloved has restrained me to the bed to make me stop.
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