Ironic

It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you think
A little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...

~Alanis Morissette

*sigh* So yeah...I'm poly. Means that Beloved dates, I date, we're both okay with that...life is great. Except what happens when you meet someone who you click with and that person ISN'T poly?

I'll tell you what happens...

You pout. A lot.

Kids' Room

So there is progress...we've gotten lots of help in the cleaning, cutting, mudding, sanding, priming, and painting process. Now we are at the hard part. Decorating. I've already got the paint...I just have to do it.

My inspiration for the kids' room is to keep it simple, but bold, gender neutral, and flexible. My thought is to do shapes large enough that we can "frame" artwork and rotate their masterpieces...make it a special place that they love to play in.



I really like the IDEA. Actually drawing it on the wall and filling it in? yeah...a little intimidating...

Boy is sick...

I've been a little concerned about his cough, but he's had problems with a cough on and off for months that seems to be attributed to alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency. But then he got green snots and weepy eyes. The final straw was when he told me, "Momma, my ear ouchie."

Even my hands-off, all-natural crazy doctor decided that vitamin D and probiotics probably weren't enough. Doc DID ask when I was due, since I could give Boy breastmilk... Seriously?!? *sigh* After listening to Boy's chest and cough, Doc said it might be bronchitis, and I managed to leave with a script for antibiotics. First one in Boy's life.

Once upon a time, I loved this medical group. There are certain aspects I still appreciate and have looked for in our new family group, but after July 1, we will be transferred to a new doctor, and I have to admit I'm relieved.

Means I'll be having some extra appointments in the coming weeks...I have four in the next week, and three the following week...but hopefully it will work out in a more comfortable situation for us.

five good things

Take a minute and share five good things of your day with the world, uncut.

1. Being told to scoot back into bed to cuddle with Beloved.

2. Lemon poppyseed bread for breakfast.

3. Opening the cabinet and drawer and not wondering where my glasses or silverware is.

4. Beloved's girlfriend saying she felt happy coming here.

5. Boy continues to go pee-pee on the potty unprompted, at least when not diapered.

glutton for punishment...

I think that's the best way to put it. Why else would I check up on people whom I cannot offer anything to? *sigh* It isn't that I haven't tried...but when your offers and attempts are rebuffed or abused or come across as misleading and painful, why continue to peer into their lives and worry and wonder?

There are those who can leave love or take it
Love to them is just what they make it
I wish that I were the same
But love is my fav'rite game

I fall in love too easily
I fall in love too fast
I fall in love too terribly hard
For love to ever last

~Frank Sinatra

hehe...I made the newspaper!

Okay, so back in May, I mentioned I had a brush with prejudice over my polyamorous status. I received a tremendous outpouring of indignation on my behalf and love and support for me and mine. Thank you all again...

Right after that, I was contacted by a reporter for the Chicago's Red Eye...a subsidiary of the Chicago Tribune. I e-mailed back and forth with her, and yesterday, her story was published!

Multi-love: It's complicated
For some Chicagoans, enjoying multiple serious romances without cheating makes more sense than monogamy

*sigh* So much for anonymity, but I'm thrilled with the article!

Mortified...

I hate being pregnant. I hate my body. I hate my utter and complete lack of control...

It's been a long while since Beloved even asked me for sexual play. He's so painfully respectful of my challenges right now, even when I've hinted that if he took the lead...

Well, tonight, he did. He came straight out and asked. I delighted in teasing him about it as I finished the laundry; delighted in stripping down and settling between his legs; delighted in teasing him over and over until he came...

But I couldn't handle it. I made it to the bathroom...but I'm mortified and embarrassed and CHEATED! Damn it...! It's not fair.

Beloved said it didn't matter...that I throw up because it's Tuesday, or after my favorite dessert, or because I woke up in the morning...that it's just another part of my being pregnant...

I love him and adore him and am so grateful he is the way he is...but that makes my failure all the more painful.

Thirty days.

DD_ss Fear in Slavery

Are there aspects of your slavery or of your service that still frighten you?

Always. I'm afraid of not being acceptable...of not being "good enough". Sir once asked me what that meant, and I don't know. Perhaps that is why it holds such power over me...I can't get a handle on what is "good enough".

I'm afraid of all the non-service, hardcore BDSM. The more I see...on FetLife, on other blogs, on my friends...the more I'm convinced I have no standing in this community. I'm afraid this is all a sham. I've had more than a couple people accuse me of that in the last six months...maybe they are right. I'm afraid I am nothing but a simple housewife, and I never, ever wanted that life!

Is your obeisance complete and you are able to ignore or dismiss the undercurrents of insecurity or fear?

I suppose I work through it most days...even on the days when I have a really hard time waking up, I still manage to get out of bed and attend to the household, to Boy, to Beloved. But every now and then, I'll panic and call Beloved, begging him to guide me, set limits for me, save me...

Are there any particular or specific triggers that return you back to the mindset of a new and inexperienced slave?

Did I ever lose the mindset of an inexperienced slave? I struggle all the time with my identity. There is rarely the peace and absolute certainty that I am "good enough".

Specific triggers? Lack of sleep is at the top of the list. I also tend to fall apart more quickly if I feel incapable of what has been asked of me, although I have gotten better about speaking up in those situations...

Thoughts?

So much of D/s, slavery, submission seems based on BDSM...on pain, humiliation, punishment. From the first time I mentioned to Beloved that I wanted to delve into submission, he resisted...mostly because of his associations with what that meant.

I don't want 95% of what I see when I go looking at "lifestyle" websites. It's not simply rejection...I have tried more BDSM-oriented relationships, and it has been disappointing on both sides. I can and do submit to harder physical play, but it is something I endure, not something that I enjoy. One Dominant told me that I was no sub because I didn't "crackle in subspace". I don't want to be a slut/whore/cunt/pig/etc. I don't want to give up my name or my freedom. I don't want to experience golden showers or nipple torture. I don't want to surrender my inquisitive side for utter obeisance.

Does that make me afraid of D/s? What is my calling? If I claim "submissive", and I don't want the BDSM, what IS it that I am searching for here?

The reality is I am a stay-at-home mom. I am a domestic. I fought against those paths all my life...I remember taking great offense at the age of 16 when my Dad told someone I was doing a great job of keeping the house together after my Mom died. I took a lot of pride in my career in the politcal arena.

I voluntarily gave it up on October 20, 2004. That was my last day of in the "professional" world. That was the first day that I stayed home to be a mom.

I'm afraid I'll never overcome my own expectations of what that means.

When I asked Beloved to consider my submission, it was almost out of desperation. I'd been forcibly committed to a mental hospital because of PPD concerns, and I *knew* I needed something to provide structure and limits on my expectations for this new life. I'm afraid I'll never really find it.

In the two years that I have been collared, the closest labels I've found are "service submissive" and *perhaps* "1950s Household". LunaKM wrote some thoughts on service orientation that I very much identify with and appreciate.

My life right now is basically to stay home and care for Beloved's child and unborn child, keep the house, take care of chores and bills...the mundane details Beloved doesn't need to be bothered with.

Beloved does enjoy me sexually...I wouldn't be a mother if he didn't!...and I have been told that I am an artist when it comes to fellatio. I have been "shared" as a part of a wager, and once as a "currency exchange". I enjoy some of the "kinky" sex play...I like to be restrained, I like to be coerced, I like to give pleasure without receiving.

I'm afraid that such a mild lifestyle isn't acceptable in the D/s world.

But there are little things that give me hope...that my life isn't a sham.

To serve is to offer one’s self, one’s talent, one’s knowledge, one’s body, and one’s very presence to use of another individual...The owner will utilize what the slave has to offer and allow the slave to serve, with the understanding that a little recognition for a job well done is all that the slave expects in return.

yes...oh, yes...please...please just tell me I am "good enough" and I will fly for you...

Clean Up

It’s time to clean up clean up
Everybody do your share
Clean up clean up
Soon the mess will not be there

So seven garbage stickers, four adults, three hours, two gallons of Pinesol water, and one professional carpet cleaner later, and the center room is ready for priming. The frustrating thing is that this was after a "deep clean" job, but hey...different strokes for different folks. The work is done and we can get to the decorating work now.

It's been a real challenge this week, too...Boy was sick (again) with his cough. We are switching doctors and hopefully the new doctor will be more helpful. No, I'm not a medical professional, but a child shouldn't cough so hard he throws up. There has to be *something* I can do to keep this under control.

I've had on and off Braxton-Hicks contractions...nothing regular, but strong enough to make me catch my breath. The downward pressure (not contractions) on Thursday night had me convinced my waters were going to break...I was disappointed they didn't. Lifting Boy is torture on my groin...and like I said, he's been sick this week.

But I have done a bunch of organizing. I got my birth plan written out and I have called in the calvary. I had a team in last night to wash walls and do plaster work, I have a team coming Monday to do taping and start priming, I have another team coming Tuesday to move furniture...

It's hard not being able to do this stuff myself. Just making pancakes this morning left me in tears...I WANT THIS PREGNANCY TO BE OVER!!!

Beloved and so many others are quick to hug me, rub my shoulders, and whisper, "Soon..."

soon.

The Swing

I've been trapped on the emotional swing all morning.

Swing down...I didn't want to wake up, let alone get out of bed this morning. I fell apart just two hours after Beloved left for work. I yelled at my child and screamed at the world in general. Boy, of course, patted my knee and quietly told it "It's alright, Momma, no more crying." Beloved said he'd come home tonight instead of going out...which I'm grateful and guilty for...

Swing up...stumbled on a post on yet another journal site I have, dated 10/20/08, which shocked me. It was basically an angry rant about our old roommates. *sigh* They are almost done here...it's a sad, bitter relief but re-reading the journal entry made me shake my head in wonder.

Swing up...Fluffybunny posted on her journal a link to YouTube, with the comment "When Was The Last Time We Had A President Who Could..." That actually got me to laugh...

Swing down...Beloved's girlfriend posted about her uncle. *closes eyes* I'm so sorry, Lady. I ache for you. I also am torn...I want to send Beloved to her...to offer that little comfort or distraction...but I'm struggling in my own quagmire...

My doctor on Tuesday all be agreed she expects me to go into labor early...my doctor on Wednesday gave me until July 3rd...maybe.

I want to crawl into bed and just sleep until I'm sated. I crave a balance and peace and order. But sleep, balance, peace, and order are unlikely to find their way into my life soon. Too much is wrapped up in the swing...As Jareth says, "It's further than you think, time is short."

Wrath...

I'm fully aware that my wrath is partly defensive...but the feelings of being disrespected and abused are pretty damn strong right now. If Beloved weren't the level-headed saint that he is, I would be in a cleaning frenzy right now. I've been made to promise to wait just a little longer...

DD_ss The Dominant Nature

Are all Dominants basically the same?
Absolutely NOT! I suppose there could be some generalities, but it's kind of like saying all humans are basically the same. The Dominants I know are very very different from each other.

Do all Dominants share similar characteristics?
Maybe. As I think about the Doms I know, they all have a certain kind of confidence, but it's not always SELF-CONFIDENCE. I think in some cases, that is specifically why the D/s works...because the submissive provides an external source of reassurance of their dominance. Perhaps it is more like confidence to follow a gut instinct...?

I've always believed that Dominants share at least one basic principle and standard; the need to look after their property. Looking after their property can entail making decisions for them, guiding them in the choices they make and even protecting and insulating them from the sometimes harsh realities of life.

Holy cow...I misread this the first time...I didn't read the first two sentences and I was so happy with the idea...But I misread it as the submissive's responsibility!

First of all, I do not identity with being anyone's property. I am not owned, I am not "mastered". I've tried to wear Beloved's collar, I tried to bend to Sir's desires, and I just couldn't do it...

Perhaps it is because I'm a service submissive?

I feel very responsible for looking after others, particularly those I "submit" to. I look after their "property"...I make certain mundane decisions so they don't have to be bothered...I research options to guide them in their decisions...I try to protect them from harsher realities...

and when I fail...it's devastating.

Really, it's very unrealistic for ANYONE...Dominant or submissive...to assume this kind of responsibility. The following question provides examples...

If you agree with this ideal do you believe that a submissive who is protected and guided must also be challenged to think and to become actively involved in decision-making processes? What happens in a T.P.E. relationship if a submissive is not expected or encouraged to participate in the mechanics of life and all of a sudden find herself cut adrift because of death, relationship breakdown or unemployment?

I guess I need to back up...when we talk about D/s, we talk about it as a D/s RELATIONSHIP. It's a two-way street...to work, the individuals must interact. Thus, I believe that both a Dominant and a submissive are required to think and be actively involved in decision-making processes.

How does that work in TPE, consensual non-concent, slave relationship? *troubled look* I don't know. I know some people who claim such relationships, and I have talked/read about the agony when something comes up and the "s" is unable to give the absolute TPE, consensual non-concent, "slave" response. Or rather, when they are forced to choose between submitting to something that would break them (physically, spiritually, mentally), or to fight for their own self-preservation. It doesn't work...

Add to the that the "harsh realities" of life, such as "death, relationship breakdown or unemployment", and I just don't believe that a D/s relationship can protect us from real life. I don't think we can dominant or submit beyond our own human-ness. Our feelings, right or wrong, are our feelings. They can sometimes be suppressed, but no one can protect us from the internal experiences of feelings, and no one can truly protect us from real life.

How is that fine line between being looked after yet also standing up and being heard met? How do you achieve that balance in your relationship?

Ahhhh...this is maybe the crux of my struggle with this particular discussion. None of the above truly fit my relationship with Beloved, and I struggle regularly with my identity as a "submissive". The balance, the D/s...it exists in a "unique" dynamic that is difficult to summarize.

Do none of the above criteria relate to your relationship? Is your relationship based on an equal sharing of power and decision-making? If so, how does your owner satisfy his need to look after you and your need to be cared for? Are those needs an essential part of your dynamic?

This is probably more of where I fall... I don't really understand what people mean by "1950s relationships" and no one has ever really given a SOLID answer...but I suspect that is closest to what we have.

Beloved and I have a relationship, a partnership. It runs deep and true, and we each have roles that are essential to making it work. Beloved faces the stress and responsibility of the workforce. He "brings home the bacon". He takes care of me emotionally and spiritually, providing reassurances that I am valuable and giving me encouragement to explore the things I am intrigued by.

I stay home and take care of the house and the kids. I make decisions about bills, chores, and many social events. I provide him with a purpose for facing the daily grind and give him the appreciation to make it worth the efforts on the days when nothing seems to work out right.

Is this D/s? Is this "just" a healthy marriage? It comes back to labels...
"That which we call a rose. By any other name would smell as sweet." I don't know if I am a "submissive"...if Beloved is a "Dominant".



Knowing that there will be joy and pain that come from it, I do my very best to please him. I can do nothing less.

No baby yet

I was up until almost 4 am, but the contractions stopped. Stay tuned...

Foreshadowing...I hope...

So I've been having small but REGULAR contractions for the last eight hours. They haven't changed in intensity, haven't gotten closer together, haven't done anything except make me wonder if I should send someone up to the attic for chux pads before trying to get to sleep tonight...

It's early...I'll be considered "preterm" for another week or so.

But the baby was heavier than expected at the last ultrasound...

*soft sigh* Part of me wants to rush things...force this into real labor. Part of me is terrified that it IS labor. All of me is enveloped by the mystery that only my body really understands...

I'm just not a fan...

Forty-one days. *closes eyes and wrinkles nose* Pregnancy is just...not my thing. Okay, yeah, I'll admit that I have probably spent hours watching my expanding tummy as Baby pushes and rolls against the confines of my uterus. But the rest???

*sigh* I saw Dr. K again today...standing weekly appointment for the last six months, and I'm really tired of doctor appointments...But Dr. K is amazing, a godsend, and a life-saver and if you need a chiropractor or accupunturist in the Chicagoland area, I'd be happy to give her information!!!...

For the last month or so, things like picking Boy up or even just riding the train were getting uncomfortably painful. I'd mentioned sex being an issue before. Well, in the last 3-4-5 days, it's been rather excruciating...I've been dreading the stairs in my house and last night I couldn't lay down because my groin hurt so much! Dr. K did some checking of other points and said that it looks like the hormones are going to work...my ligaments are all loose and my sacroiliac joint is coming apart already. She gave me a medical belt to help keep me together and an exercise to help strengthen the gluteus medius, and the relief is amazing...

Other unpleasantries of such preparations include nose bleeds and bloody gums because the membranes are thinning out. I'm fighting more nausea these days than I was...at least before, I'd throw up and feel better, but now, I'm just a little off all the time. My breasts are alternating between being hard as rocks and soft and achy.

Unfortunately (or fortunately?) it means my body is getting ready for giving birth. Since Baby is estimated to be bigger than expected, maybe Baby has plans for arriving sooner than my July 22nd schedule? I'm NOT complaining about less time being pregnant! Hell, I'd induce NOW if there weren't so many complications with premie babies...but I'm not so sure that the doctors were correct in moving my due date back to July 27th.

*sigh* Wait, wait, wait...and hope I can distract myself until something happens.

Up-swing

Beloved stayed home sick today, but the silly wonderful man let me sleep in this morning. His argument is reasonably fair...I DO sleep much better once the sun is up, but I still felt a little bashful about it. I listened to Boy and him reading books for a long while before finally dragging myself out of bed. I love listening to them together.

Since we had done a fair pickup last night, I knocked out the first floor cleaning...swept, washed, and vacuumed the floors. Beloved got the trash out. Almost half the household chores are DONE and it's only Tuesday. That puts a content smile on my face.

We interviewed a cleaning lady for after Baby arrives. It's just a once-a-month deal for about six months, but she'll be able to do a deep clean so that I can do maintenance cleaning without stressing too much. I don't know about her cleaning, but she seems to be a kindred spirit...and has a gamer husband and a 4-year old boy. *grin* We might end up with a friendship as well as a clean house.

I am (finally) dropping Beloved's car off to get the body work done. Our deductible is $500, and I've actually got the funds at the moment. Some friends are lending us one of their cars so I won't have to worry about doctor appointments and being tied to the house with Boy on the nice days.

I think I have an idea for the birth announcements, so I might start playing around with that. I also have an idea for the kids' room decor, but I suspect it's too ambitious for me to pull off right now. The roommates are moving this weekend, so at the very least I'll have the walls repaired and fresh paint, if not the elaborate decor, when Baby arrives.

All told, things are working out right now. *wry smile* Damn hormones. I told you it's just a swing right now!

Forty-five days...eighty-seven days

I'm up at 4 am with rolling nausea. I've taken two zofran tablets since going to bed, and I just can't seem to kick the YUCK. I haven't actually thrown up in a few days, but in some ways this is worse. I'm so tired of this...45 days to go.

As the count gets shorter, there are lots of BABY/MOMMY thoughts going on. What to do for baby birth announcements (I handmade Boy's), who to pick for godparents, what to do about the kids' room decor, interviewing potentials for house cleaning.

There's also been a lot of poly stuff in my life this last week with the opportunities to do some public work.

But while I was lying in bed, trying to distract myself from my physical discomfort, it occurred to me there was pretty much ZERO D/s in my life right now. Just the other morning, I surprised Beloved by following him up on a hint...surprised, because he's "gotten the impression you weren't in the right space."

*sigh* No...I'm not in the right space. Not even a little bit. I *want* to be, but even reading sexy stuff helps, and Jean Auel wrote some fantastic sexy scenes in the Earth's Children series. Sexually...Baby is head down and in my pelvis already, so there's a constant ache and pressure; Baby is also running out of room inside, and I feel every wiggle and push at the constraining space; the nausea makes fellatio a battle of wills; my breasts are heavy and nipple stimulation is returning to the land of serious turn-off...not because they are sore but because that's for the baby; my body is stretched out and cumbersome.

I've offered blow jobs and never been turned down, but I feel awkward about Beloved's attentions. I think in the last two weeks, Beloved's made love with me once. Granted, it was a lot of fun and involved the pool table (*giggles*), but I'm pretty content with that. I feel a little bad about it, though.

I'm thinking about starting another countdown...87 days until "normal" sex resumes. I'm sure someone is scoffing right now. There's the sleep-deprivation and the demands of an infant and where to find the time. I know all that...I did all this just over two and a half years ago...but a gal can hope, right?

DD_ss Broadening D/s

Once upon a time in a land far away, there was a Dominant and a submissive who were happily married. For reasons of their own their D/s was never and could never be fully explored. One day the Dominant noticed that the intensity of his chosen one's submission rose whenever she observed a BDSM demo or spent time socializing at lifestyle events. This caused him to wonder if his sweet submissive was not getting the opportunity to fully realize and enjoy her submissiveness because of their circumstances. 

Sitting under a Great Oak Tree one day while smoking a Fragrant Pipe (I threw that in for you, Allison) he pondered this dilemma. Then the answer came to him. Could he ensure her personal safety and retain her trust in himself and arrange an opportunity where she could experience her submissiveness to a greater depth with another Dominant?

If this fairy tale was yours, what would you do?
*soft sigh* This little fairy tale is waaaaay to familiar, although it was MY idea to explore D/s with another Dominant. It didn't work out so well...

As a Dominant, would you have reservations in participating in such a limited fashion? As a submissive what would your reaction be if your Master suggested this to you?
I have long fantasized about being given to another...whether it was Master's guest whom he wanted me to please for an evening, training, or simply another experience to deepen my submission. Although Beloved has “offered” me to another person, it was someone I was already familiar with. If Beloved were to suggest this on his own??? If he found someone and simply handed me off without my input??? I don't know.

Who would most likely be attracted to such a scenario - a knowledgeable and experienced Dominant, a player or someone with a completely untrustworthy agenda? How would you go about finding the right person to trust with your beloved submissive?
I'd guess there would be a LOT of players or untrustworthy characters, and that the right Dominant would be a needle in a haystack, but that some carefully considered questions and explained expectations would help. *shrug* Kinda like being poly...insisting that all parties meet in person tends to freak a lot of the wannabies out.

Would there be any limitations on the Dominant's contact with your submissive?
Beloved has placed limitations on my play with others for a variety of reasons. No marks (his personal preference), no fluid bonding, detailed accounts of my time from the other man's perspective... It's depended on where we were in our relationships and what Beloved was curious about at the time.

Swing low....

My moods have been all over the place lately. I want to blame the pregnancy and lack of sleep...who knows, that might even be legitimate! Today I'm feeling low.

* A story in the Chicago Tribune highlighted "pregorexia".I sympathize with the concept, am mad about being accused of having that instead of hyperemesis, and am really struggling with my own body image. Last pregnancy I struggled so hard to eat...but I WAS skinny and didn't have so much jiggle. This time...hell, I KNOW I'm healthier...but I hate my body right now. It doesn't help that Beloved is looking better and better and today teasingly suggested I see how Baby liked the elliptical...

* I'm not feeling good today. I've taken two Zofran tabs already, so I haven't thrown up, but I am nauseous and uncomfortable.

* In two days, I got contacted about being involved with polyamory stories TWICE...by the Discovery Channel's program and by the Chicago Tribune. *I* want to respond...*I* want to be involved...but it isn't about *ME* and everyone else has very good points about why it's not such a good idea to be OUT.

* I don't know how to answer Sir's question about friendship. I don't know how to respond to a different man's invite to go on a date. I'm back to wondering why the hell I want something so complicated and being angry about how lonely and confused I feel.

* My feelings about being caught up on the house have sunk and I'm feeling like I can't get anything done. I feel so dependent on everyone else, and then I feel guilty for accepting help.

Basically, I'm mourning my place in life. I'm feeling very trapped and constrained...by my body, by my family, by the prejudices of society. I know there isn't much logic to it, I recognize the up and down swings of hormones. I just wish I had the luxury of letting myself sink into my depression and just sleep...

Cold splash of reality...and confessions of a pixie

This started out as a very different post. It started out as more of a daydream. Subbybunny sent me a link yesterday, and on a whim, I contacted the person doing the casting call. She actually called me back and did a 35 minute interview with me. It got me all excited about all kinds of things...even if we weren't the ideal poly family, just being considered is pretty cool...

*splash*

Beloved and I aren't out to the world. We haven't gone out of our way to HIDE our poly relationships, but neither have we waved flags and twirled batons. And the more I talked to partners, the more reality intruded. What would we say to Grandad and Grandma in Ohio who are a Presbyterian minister and wife in their 80's? Beloved's girlfriend isn't OUT, neither is Halder (former lover and current roommate). Worse, I was just removed from a local "family-orientated" group because I listed a poly group among my various memberships...what if the repercussions were more drastic?

*sigh*

So, I figure I'll compose an e-mail to Ms. Dosedel tomorrow thanking her for her time and declining further consideration.

But I can't say there isn't some bitter disappointment. I poked at that while I was in the shower this evening. What was it, REALLY? I'm less happy with my conclusion...

Before I became a mother, I played on the national level. In college, I got state recognition for my work in campus recycling, and I lead the team that earned a national award for residence hall leadership. From there, I went into a career doing things that got national recognition. No, I wasn't a VIP per se, but in a small way, I contributed to the cacophony of national debates. My arguments were published in newspapers, reports I worked on and designed were read nationwide. I had luncheons with US Senators, and was offered a job on Capitol Hill. I was "important".

I miss it.

When I confessed this, Beloved pressed his forehead against mine. "I can't express how important you are to me, and I understand that means dick right now...."

*sigh* The glitz and glam of politics is heady stuff, and I'm still lured by it two years after getting out completely. Sometimes I resent the way things have gone. I never imagined a life as a stay-at-home mom. Hell, I never imagined life as a mom until about a month before I conceived in 2006! And yet, here I am.

Beloved and my children are my world right now. I love them and am spoiled in the life I am living. I am surrounded by friends and family, have two very successful social groups, and am "important" in ways that really ARE important.

Kinda breathtaking when I stop and think about it. I guess I can admit that the idea of being idolized on national television sounds like fun, but there is a reason I was glad to be out of the public scene in the first place. It isn't worth the price of admission...wasn't then and isn't now.

Random bits of happiness

* Boy brought me playdough and asked me to make a ball...I did a sloppy job and handed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back. "That not a ball, that is egg!" How's that for too cute and too smart?

* Baby is doing well...4 pounds, 12 oz, has a full head of hair, and absolutely refused to give a profile view to the camera, so no new pictures. But otherwise, everything looks great.

* Beloved is making slow but steady progress on his workouts. While he hasn't really lost any weight, he has lost about an inch all the way around (chest, gut, arms, legs). Go go go!!! He seems serious about getting back into the volleyball games this summer, too. *wry smile* I'm going to have some stiff expectations once Baby comes to get the weight off (I've only gained about 20 pounds all pregnancy and am only 8 pound heavier then when I got pregnant, but I wanted to lose some before, so.....)

* I scored a bunkbed set for $7 and a free mattress for Boy! I'm still looking for a dresser that will work in the space, but I'm beginning to get an idea for how the new KIDS' room will look.

* My da sent me a wonderful birthday card...it read "Your free spirit is such a part of you. It's just one more reason to be proud of you." Now, he is blissfully ignorant about the D/s or the poly or any of my alternative lifestyle choices, but his card really touched me.

* Some wonderful friends have offered to lend me their car while I get the repairs done on ours, so I won't be stuck home with a hyper two-year-old.

* I'm tired, but whatever hit me so hard last week seems to have disappeared completely.

* My hair is long enough (already) to pull into a ponytail! Yes, it looks a little silly, but I can get it off my neck again!