Once upon a dream...

Yes, I know it's true
that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
the way you did once upon a dream

At what point does one become an icon in the community? When does the follower become the leader? More specifically, when does the confidence kick in? There are blogs that are widely read, books that are published, presentations that are paid for... Or is it something else?

I've established groups, I've had my writings published, I've been invited to present...and yet I still feel like a small, lost fish in the ocean. I still daydream of feeling worthy of the community to which I try to serve.

Time for a break?

I am frustrated because I can't seem to have a conversation with Beloved about my submission. Every time, we BOTH end up feeling like failures or defensive. I know I feel like I just need to shut the fuck up and deal. Or maybe I should say submit. Except that the only ones I feel like I'm submitting to are UberDom and UberDomme.

Even in the groups, I feel like I'm not serving well. I excused the household from drum circles for the rest of the year. I've tried to solicit ideas for a gathering for the poly group and the DOM, but no one seems really interested. I cleaned out my memberships from a bunch of groups that all I got was mass-mailings that weren't relevant to me.

Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe if I just let go, stop struggling so hard, it will get easier.

Or maybe this is a warning sign? Am I'm throwing my hands up and giving up on everything because I'm tired and frustrated?

I don't know. I just don't know any more.

I'm bored...

You know when you go to an action-packed movie, and the protagonist(s) survive one incredible crisis after another after another after another...you know how you get that tired, kinda-bored feeling with the movie? I'm feeling that way with my life.

I have the kids. Two small children. And there is plenty of figuring out how to get out of the house, on time, without forgetting anything...There's the additional irritation of Boy's "medical" drama.

HAPPILY, there is a BIG BRIGHT SHINNING STAR that is my Beloved! He has been given a promotion and a raise and I'm so proud of him!!! He's worked his tail off for this, and to get the recognition...yeah. WOW!

But then, there's the rest of the world that seems to be crashing and thrashing all around us. Separation-divorces. More medical crisis. Financial hurts. Friends and family who are just plain having a hellish time.

On the one hand, I want to help. On the other, I want to scream. And then there's the dispassionate part that wants to get up and go get more popcorn because the story is pretty much known and I am not really vested anymore...

*sigh*

Invited to present!

I'm a little giddy over getting an invitation to present at SJW2010! The topic is polyamory. I don't have ANYTHING formally written yet, but I'm very excited.

And for some completely different drama...

When Boy was born, his right testicle was undescended. That was set as a rider on his private health insurance, up to and including testicular cancer later in life.

Because maternity coverage was also not included, last fall, we transferred to Beloved's company's plan, although it was significantly more expensive. Since we didn't have the rider any longer, I finally gave in and took him for the ultrasound the doctors have wanted since he was born to see if the testes was there at all.

Ultrasound didn't locate the missing, so our primary care physician referred us to a specialist, whom I took Boy to see today.

1) The staff treated me like I didn't have a brain. Granted, they couldn't possibly know that I was once pre-med and am very comfortable with scientific/medical terminology, but in that case, their explanation was even worse because they were not very patient with their presentation or really invite questions. I very much felt that I was in the presence of "Experts" who should not be questioned.

2) I didn't like the doctor on sight. I don't know exactly why, but I just didn't. THEN she dropped comments like, "I can see you're busy..." glancing at Girl, and made an awful grimace when Girl cried in protest at my handing her to my friend. The bedside manner was TERRIBLE.

3) Doctor poked Boy in the groin and scrotum, and then said we should schedule an "exploratory surgery" because she felt blood vessels but no teste, and couldn't say if the vessels were free-floating or if the teste was up high in the inguinal canal somewhere. I immediately pointed out there is a family history of cryptorchidism, and asked if other imaging wouldn't be possible to identify the teste first...no, no...she insists that wouldn't be a good option. She also seemed very disgusted that Boy is uncircumcised and wants to "stretch" Boy's foreskin while he is under anesthesia because it is "too tight".

*sigh*

I'll grant that I am TIRED and not on the ball for mental games, but I just don't feel very comfortable with this. My friend wasn't much help...she's very polite and offered that maybe the Doctor had a headache when Girl cried, doesn't have children, etc. Am I overreacting? Am I just another momma who is nervous about having her child go through surgery?

I don't know. My head hurts, my heart hurts. I wish medicine WASN'T a profession where you had to wonder if the doctor isn't just out to line their pocket...

How am I doing, part 3

So I attended the PPD program today...seems like a good group. They have free babysitting, so I don't have to worry about finding Boy-care in order to attend. One of the co-leaders is also a lactation consultant, so that's an extra bonus. They also don't have an age limit...I was told one woman had been attending the group for two years, and that's a relief! The group I found when I had issues last time cut off when the infant was 6 months old. It's still hard to be brutally honest with "hospital people" after my experience in '07, but I did okay.

*wry smile* Really, since I'm trying to head off problems before they get too big, I almost felt like I had to justify my needs...but it's hard to put depression issues into words.

oh...and icing on the cake? AWESOME homemade brownies! :-P

I'm also on day four of meds.

I'm doing what I said I would. I will make it though this (again). And really, it's not forever...Girl will be a kid before I know it. Maybe...MAYBE...I'll even miss the infant days.

How am I doing, part 2

I did make that doctor appointment I promised to, and I'm back on medication to help stablize my moods and hormones. *sigh* I can't say I'm HAPPY about it, but it's a step in the right direction.

I AM happy about a tidbit of news that I got while at the doctor's office, though. I only gained 8 pounds for the pregnancy. *grin* I'm still stretched out of shape, but once I get the clearance to do some working out, I should be able to regain my body quick enough!