confession...fishing...reassurance...

Call it what you will, but I'm dreading asking for honest feedback from those who have been here.

What do you think of my house?

Remember, I have two small kids and am a stay-at-home mom.

Before you poo-poo my question as fishing for compliments or searching for reassurance, the reason I'm asking is because I've been told a million times that I over-do it. However, in response to a comment about "excuse my messy apartment", one of my younger cousins looked confused and asked why the maid didn't clean it. *wry smile* Yes, I have some well-off relatives in my tree, and yes, it DOES stress me out sometimes.

I'm always frustrated by the chores (even when we HAD a maid service) and I want more out of the yard and wish we could reupholster/recushion the couches and know the walls could stand a touch-up and...and...and...

So. Honestly. Are you comfortable in my house? If no, why? (and you CAN answer anonymously on the blog!)

walking funny...

Yup, I am. And the cause is Beloved's enthusiastic side-rear entry pounding that he gave me Saturday night. :-P It was fun...he "got me" TWICE...but it also meant that I could barely walk on Sunday and was in the doctor's office on Monday who referred me for X-ray because the HMO demands certain hoops be jumped if I want to see a chiropractor...

*sigh*

Only reason I am doing the doctor thing is because these back issues creep up often enough that I think SOMETHING ought to be done...like seeing a chiropractor (duh)...but it is pretty funny to tell multiple medical professionals that my husband fucked me 'til I walked funny...

Green up your sex life

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And the insanity continues!

Never doubt that this household is insane...there might be a lull, but it doesn't last.

This weekend...Friday, I got to attend Windy City MAsT with beautiful SSQ. The topic was "conflict resolution" and I found it helpful as it put some things into words that I just knew Beloved and I already did, but now I can talk about it in the poly presentation at SJW. It was fun, and SSQ had some wonderful discussions. We were out until almost midnight. THEN, I helped Beloved with the last of the laundry folding and (stupidly) played a few hands of Race for the Galaxy.

Saturday, Beloved generously let me sleep in!!! *happy dance* and when I got up, I did a sprint and cleaned up the bedroom got the kids room reorganized for sleeping 5 kids (cousins were spending the night), brought the drums down, did a grocery shop, and then we had two dozen people over for drum circle. The kids were up until 10pm, and after we got every thing cleaned up, we (again stupidly) were up until 1am playing Race for the Galaxy.

Sunday, I was up at 7am with the kids and made breakfast for a dozen people. French Toast Bundt, Egg-n-cheese casserole, and fruit plates...I asked Beloved to do the bacon, cause, well, no one tops Beloved at bacon cooking. We ate, visited, played games, and then had a whirlwind pick-up. Now, I'm off to drop the kids off and I'm doing some household shopping...

LOTS of fun, LOTS of crazy...I'm so wired on coffee it's not even funny....

One small step for...

who? Not me, that's for sure...and I doubt it is small for Boy, either.

Beloved and I just finished the paperwork to start Boy in a 2x week, mornings only PRESCHOOL!

I don't have the weepies at all. In fact, I'm ecstatic! Twice a week means he gets to big a big boy and go to school, meet and make semi-permanent friends, and I get feedback from professionals on where he is educational-wise while we continue to work with him at home. *happy dance* It seems the best of both worlds!

Not much else going on right now. I came to the conclusion that my last down-in-the-dumps ranty-despair was thanks to pms-ing hormones. (Holy fucking HELL...I sure hope this isn't what my post-pregnancy-post-nursing monthly is going to be like. I never before appreciated the complaints women had. I wish I still didn't!)

Anyhow, weather has been awesome around here, so we've been playing HARD outside. How's by you?

an emotional rollercoaster

Last night I cried, tossed and turned
Woke up with dry eyes
My mind was racing, feet were pacing
Lord, help me please tell me what I have gotten into...
Yesterday I told myself I was gonna be okay
Gonna start a new day, truly happy
I was gonna take control of me
But eventually reality hit me mentally, physically, emotionally
And I opened my eyes and realized...
I'm on an emotional rollercoaster...
But I can't get off...
~Vivian Green

I had written a long, dreary post about it, but re-reading it, I'm not comfortable publicizing it. Suffice to day that I'd never heard the song before, but when I found it...wow, yeah. Vivian described the last 12 hours almost exactly. I'm having a hard time. Beloved is having a hard time. We are having a hard time. It isn't like it's a crisis or anything; mostly just normal ups and downs combined with overtired and frustrated.

I need to go an apologize to the kids and figure out what we are going to do today to make it better.

I got a blogging award!

Just when you think that no one is out there...except that's not true. I know I'm lucky to have some very faithful readers and several more who just lurk in cyberspace and occasionally reference blog content in conversations but never comment. But sometimes, I get blutterbunged! (word for Beloved, *wink*)

Kaya named me as one of her recipients for the



*blink* Me? Kaya reads me?!? *curls toes and grins* Thank you!!!

I've gotten into trouble reading Kaya because simply put, we are so different in our acceptance levels of bdsm, M/s, etc. She goes where I'd have to be knocked out and dragged, you know? But I've continued to read because I appreciate her struggles with BabyGirl and older kids, her humor, and the "train-wreck-in-the-making-can't-look-away" tales about her exploits. She's one of those people that seems to have almost a celebrity-status. EVERYONE reads Kaya!

But me?!? Her warm fuzzies are contagious!

OK so apparently awardees have pass the award to three others and list seven things about themselves, hopefully you don’t know these:

1) I've always wanted to play the flute, but the only lessons I ever got were for piano. I resented it and hated it and did my best to make my mom miserable taking me to piano so she's give up (she did), but in the process, I kinda spoiled my enthusiasm for learning anything musical. Sometimes, it makes me really sad...I'd love to take guitar (we even have one!) or learn autoharp, but I'm convinced it would be a waste of money.

2) I miss my dog. I had to make the decision to put her down when I was 18, and I have no regrets about that (she was old and couldn't go down the steps to the yard by herself anymore...she wasn't happy), but I miss the adventures we would have going for 2-3 hour long walks. Maybe in a few years when "Toothless" moves on, I'll broach the subject with Beloved...? (now you have a heads up!)

3) Some day, I hope to Tibetan Trek. It's been a daydream of mine since forever.

4) You already know that I fall into the comparison trap pretty easily...but maybe you don't know that more often than not, THAT is the reason I drop social groups. Right now, I'm debating on dropping a homeschooling group and a weight-loss group because I feel inadequate when I attend. *sigh*
5) One of the reasons I re-read books is that I get interrupted a lot when I'm reading...but if I already know the story, that doesn't matter so much.

6) Beloved and I met at the community college the semester I was doing cadaver work. He would tease that he could always find me by smell (the formaldehyde clung to EVERYTHING). So many BDSM people assume I get squicked by needle play or stuff like that...no...not really. I've cut open bodies and prodded their insides and ENJOYED the work. I'm just not so keen on having MY body used that way...not while I'm alive, anyway.

7) I'm debating on what to do with my "herb" garden. The strawberry plants have spread, which (if they produce!) I'm kinda excited about, but that makes re reluctant to uproot them for my other herbs. I'm almost thinking I should move the few other things that came back this year (oregano, sage, parsley & cilantro, chives) and let the patch go wild with strawberries and rhubarb.

Now, who should I send the award to? There are a number of folks that I'd like to encourage to write more often *hint, hint* but I also know that it's hard to maintain a journal/blog. Learning complaisance" is the first time in my life I've kept a journal for more than two weeks! I don't want to pressure anyone...

One person I'd nominate has asked that I not publicize her blog, partly because it's her journey, partly because (I suspect) she's conscious of being a lax writer...so, you know who you are...*wink*

I will nominate Sarah at Submissive Reflections. She was the very first lifestyle blogger that I read regularly. She and I were pregnant and due about the same time in 2006. Sarah definitely contributed to my entry into the M/s lifestyle ideas.

I like to peek in on Ninian at Crumbs in my Cleavage. I started reading her and then realized we were practically neighbors (we're only 20 miles apart) and know a bunch of the same people. *grin* I'm wholly amused that she met Crumpet at my house.

Lair of the Dragon Mage is my third pick. I don't get there often, but he's managed to land a toy-review job and I enjoy reading his take on gizzmos and gadgets out there. I also enjoy the journey with luvbunny because we started about the same place in our relationships (already married many years). I think they like the bdsm side more than I do, but different strokes, right? And Dragon Mage was one of my references for SJW 2009.

Happy Anniversary!

Yesterday, April 5th, was Beloved and my 14th anniversary. I had EXPECTED it to be any other day, which is why I'd made arrangements for us to enjoy Saturday...which is a whole another story that I'll get to...

But yesterday, Beloved surprised me and knocked my socks off! First, he got up with the kids (I still expected a regular Monday morning...he usually gets up with the kids). I heard the bustling about, getting ready for the day. I rolled up in my blankets, hiding. I didn't want it to be Monday!!!

They all went downstairs and I assumed breakfast since it got really quiet. I fell back into a deeper sleep...

Beloved came in and nudged me. I stretched and sat up to find peach-colored roses on my night table and dresser. It made me schoosh. I got up, pulled my robe on, and peeked into the kids room, expecting to see the baby sleeping. It was soooo quiet! No Girl, though...I wandered downstairs, expecting to see Boy at the computer, Girl with a bottle...but no kids!

What I DID find was hot blintz for breakfast, more roses on the table, the kids laundry folded, and Beloved grinning at my very confused look. Happy Anniversary! Kids are at Grandma's all day and all night. Breakfast is ready.

Oh my god...have I mentioned how much I love this man?

We ate breakfast and cleared the table for a game of Iron Dragon, and then decided to see if Adaya would join us for lunch at Sweet Tomatoes. She was game, so I decided to jump in the shower and Beloved "ambushed" me. *grin* We got dressed and picked up Adaya and sat and talked for almost an hour and a half! After dropping her back at work, Beloved and I went to see How To Train Your Dragon, which was really delightful. (If you have a sensitive stomach for spinny rides, you might want to see it 2D...it didn't suffer for it and I think some of the scenes would have made me sick in 3D!)

After that, we stopped by the store to pick up some more bowls (our breakfast bowls have slowly gotten broken and needed replacing) and got Beloved a haircut. We decided on Subway sandwiches for supper and then headed to FermiLab to meet our roommate Danae for her boardgame night. That was fun...*grin* Sitting around with a bunch of geeky (long-haired) guys and playing boardgames has been a favorite pastime of mine since high school! We got back home about 10pm...I putz on my computer, Beloved read his book. Finally, we turned off the lights and consummated our marriage a second time before snuggling into slumber.

So...it was anything BUT a typical sucky Monday! It was simply amazing! Thank you so much, Beloved! I can only hope you have an inkling to how much I love you!

Beloved's observations for the day

1) Nighthawk commented that "If you break your toys, you cannot play with them." Beloved's observation while he was helping around the house this morning was that There is more than one way to break your toys. Simply because you (pixie) are a service submissive doesn't mean that you don't need help and support on occasion. *smiles* I love this man, in case that isn't obvious!

2) Today we are celebrating our 14th anniversary (which is really on Monday, but Mondays suck and it's harder to be child-free). We've checked in with each other a couple of times..."What do you wanna do?" "I dunno...what do YOU wanna do?" Beloved's observation was that We spend so much time hosting and having parties regularly that when it comes to occasions when you are "supposed" to have a party, we just aren't interested. *smiles* It's true...given a day to do whatever the hell we want, lately we've been lounging in sweats or jammies and doing absolutely nothing! We were both feeling a little guilty about it...until Beloved voiced that observation. Now? Hell yeah, we've earned a break from partying!

Maybe the two comments seem counter to each other (helping around the house and being lazy), but it's not really. I hope you get to enjoy your day, too!