Stolen MEME

Were you named after anyone?
My mom really loved the heroine in Dr. Zhivago, although when I was born, they called my cousin to ask if they could name me after her.

Do you wish on stars?
Once in a while.

When did you last cry?
this morning.

Do you like your handwriting?
nope

What is your favorite lunch meat?
hard salami

What is your most embarrassing CD?
Probably Ace of Base

If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
I'd like to think so.

Do you have a journal?
I have LJ that I never use and this blog...do blogs count as jounrals?

Do you use sarcasm a lot?
I don't know about a lot...I think I'm more sardonic than sarcastic.

What are your nicknames?
online? pixie, katt

Would you bungee jump?
If you caught me in the right mood.

Do you untie your shoes before you take them off?
Not if I can avoid it!

Do you think that you are strong?
Physically, yes. Emotionally? errr, not really.

What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Cookies-n-creme or pumpkin spice

Shoe size?
8 to 8.5 women's or 5/12 boys.

Red or pink?
Errr...I prefer the cooler colors.


What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
my unbalanced moods.

What do you miss most?
Ditto on Kaya's answer: simplicity.

Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back?
Not sending it out...you can steal it if you want. I did.

What color pants/shoes are you wearing?
blue jeans, no shoes.

What are you listening to right now?
Boy is watching Voltron.

Last thing you ate?
2 Rold Gold Honey Wheat Pretzels

If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
My hair is a dark green right now; I suppose that's a hint.

What is the weather like right now?
Perfect! Sunny and 76F with low humidity!

Last person you talked to on the phone?
Beloved.

The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
First think I notice on ANYONE is hair.

Do you like the person who sent this to you?
I went forth and "borrowed" it.

Favorite drink?
Alcoholic drink? Grasshoppers. Otherwise, ice tea.

Favorite sport?
I love to play volleyball.

Hair color?
Naturally, ash-brown with a generous sprinkle of silver. But right now, green.

Eye color?
Hazel.

Do you wear contacts?
Glasses.

Favorite food?
I don't have favorites. I don't like okra, though.

Last movie you watched?
ummmm...I'm not sure?

Favorite day of the year?
Holidays that I can dress up!

Scary movies or happy endings?
Happy endings.

Winter or summer?
Winter.

Hugs or kisses?
Depends on who you are!

What is your favorite dessert?
I don't do favorites...sweet is yummy!

Who is most likely to do this meme?
Ditto on Kaya: Somebody who is as bored as I am.

Who is the least likely to do this meme and comment?
Ditto on Kaya: Anyone who thinks memes are lame.

What books are you reading?
The Organized Homeschooler, Redefining Our Relationships

What’s on your mouse pad?
What mouse pad?

What did you watch on TV last night?
Episode of "Better Off Ted"...Beloved really enjoys the series, and I have to admit it's pretty funny.

Favorite smells?
The wet after a good rain. Home-cooking.

Favorite sound?
silence.

Rolling Stones or Beatles?
meh...

What’s the furthest you’ve been from your home?
Probably Hohhot, Inner Mongolia.

Do you have a special talent?
I like to think I'm talented in cooking and fellatio.

What is your ring tone?
The least annoying and most normal phone-ring sound that came with the phone.

Who is she?

Maybe you've noticed that I've gone into hiding on Fet. Maybe you've noticed I'm being quiet elsewhere. Maybe you're a follower here. Maybe you've only just stumbled upon my journey. For whatever reason, you are reading this.

I'm not entirely sure what to tell you. I have been trying to answer the question, "who is she?" and I have found a lot of distractions and a lot of hurt and a lot of confusion. There's been a bout with my depression that I've had a hard time managing. Beloved's encouraging me to find a counselor. In the meantime, I've decided that I should quiet my world and focus a little more on what is not on the screen.

she is His girl
she aches to please Him
she years to serve Him
she longs to worship Him
she is His slut, His girl
His toy, His possession, His love.
her body burns for Him
heart heart beats for Him
her soul longs for Him.
she is His.

*soft smile* I do long to please, to serve, to worship. But to do so, I need to know who I am and how I can best please, serve and worship.

I'll probably continue to put my thoughts here...this is, after all, a part of the journey, even if it isn't a pleasant part. Chances are I'll opt for no comments, but if I'm a little morose, please understand I'm just working through crap.

Submissive Journal Prompts

LunaKM asks, "What would people not know or guess about you?"

It's a funny question because if people don't know it, there's probably a reason they wouldn't guess it. But, I suppose it is kinda relevant to my current mood, which is rather blah/blech.

For all my service, all my tender bleeding heart, all my empathy, I have a core apathy that no one really touches. I've had people express surprise that I "trust" them with my rape history or with the hurts from losing my mom or with my self-doubts, but really, it is a front...a protection. The more people who know, the less "secret" the hurt, the less power the hurt holds, the better I am at maintaining my coldness.

Do you really think I am gullible enough to let anyone hurt me? Really?

*sigh* This has been my struggle and current agony for a while. It's part of what has gone into the "Dark Fantasies" and part of why I haven't gotten back to the tale. I feel a need to have SOMEONE break me down. The walls I've build have protected me, but they also imprison me. But I don't fear the people I know.

Oh, most certainly I have no doubts about the physical pain they could cause me. I don't even doubt that they could elicit real panic through breath play. I don't doubt that they could push beyond angry resentment and reduce me to tears and quibbering.

But I doubt anyone can break open my prison and set me free.

take my world apart

Just listening to one of my favorite CDs and drifting into the thoughts of how much they speak the words I feel towards Beloved...


To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now...
It takes all I am to believe
In your mercy that covers me
~Jars of Clay, "Worlds apart"

Back to thinking about a break...

So much roller-coastering! I have offers to play coming out of my ears. I'm working on a dark story of "abduction", training...a lot of people have immediately gone to thinking rape. I'm not entirely sure where the story's going yet, but life was certainly spiced up here while I was writing...

But then, Beloved said I should find someone who can really dig into me. On the one hand, I was excited! On the other, scared. At the same time, he expresses remorse that he doesn't have the opportunities I do to find or play with someone else. That makes me feel guilty about looking. *wry smile* I've changed up my profile again, removing the comment about looking for a play partner for that exact reason.

So...now what? I feel like I've somehow messed up Father's Day because...I don't know? Beloved and I are just missing each other in communications and we're both ending up resentful.

I'm tired of struggling and trying. I'm tried of feeling like I can't get this right. I'm tired. Maybe it is break-time?

Dark Fantasies, part two

Part one can be found here.

"Good girl," Guide responded approvingly. Just that, and I could feel the blush creep into my cheeks and the tension in my shoulders relax. A glass touched my lips, and I gratefully accepted some water. A hand brushed my face lightly.

There was wood scraping on wood - I guessed a chair was drawn in front of me and Guide sat down.

"Now that you are calmer, there are some things I would like to explain to you, pixie. Are you ready to listen?"

I swallowed nervously. Guide had already proven to be patient and caring, despite this insane situation. "Yes, Sir."

"Good. Your Master explained some of the thoughts, scenes, and fetishes that have been clicking for you lately. He also said that there is a lot of trust between the two of you, and that he has been feeling like he wasn't challenging you. That is why you are here. As you are, you do not know who is here, where you are, or what is going to happen."

As if to emphasis that, a hand closed on my left breast and squeezed hard enough to make me gasp.

"Your safewords do not matter here, pixie. If you are roughed up, the session will be judged by the marks, not by your cries. In fact, we want you to cry. Personally, I look forward to having you beg."

My lips tightened in determination, setting myself, the way I do when Beloved decides to beat me. I won't give you that satisfaction, I thought.

Guide laughed at my resistance. "That is exactly why you are here. Beloved wants us to break you."

My stomach dropped out, and I was suddenly chilled. To break me? Something else finally clicked in my brain. "Us?" It was a whisper.

"Yes."

I worked that over in my mind, grasping for balance, for hope. I found little comfort. Guide stood up and the chair was pushed aside.

"I am going to put a new blindfold on you," he said. "Then, if you are ready to cooperate, we will get started with your training."

I felt sick, helpless, powerless, and very scared, but all I could do was nod. There was a quiet jingling on my right, and a snap. Heat blasted my face and skin. The blindfold was removed, but I was blinded by a bright light directly in my face. I squeezed my eyes closed, turning my head. Almost instantly, there was a heavier leather covering my eyes and a strap that went over my head. A click just behind my ear told me that this new blindfold was locked on. I couldn't escape. I moaned in despair.

My arms were then unlocked from the cross and fell to my sides. They ached and then flaired with pins and needles as blood rushed back into them. My ankles were also released, and a hand pressed on my shoulder.

"Offer!" Guide's voice was that deep, scary, dominant voice. I jerked in response to a command my Beloved Master had taught me. Was nothing sacred? I felt anger and despair. A slap to my face startled me.

"Offer!"

Frightened, I scrambled to assumed the position on my knees, thighs open, tingling hands holding up my breasts, head demurely downcast, mouth slightly open. Fingers closed on one of my nipples, pinching and twisting. I trembled, but didn't move.

"Good girl." There were footsteps, and a hand brushed my hair gently and then tightened, yanking my head back. I cried out only to be muffled by a mouth crushing over mine, a tongue forcing its way into my mouth, teeth cutting my lips. I gagged and tried to pull away, but the hand on my breast and the hand in my hair held me tapped in agony. The mouth withdrew and I gasped, coughing and sucking air.

"Little slut, she likes this." It was a different voice, my kisser. A hand brushed my thighs and touched the wetness of my pussy. I sobbed, shamed. I did NOT like this...this was...was hell! I was a child again, unable to understand what was happening, unable to stop it. My body responded without me.

"Leave that," Guide's voice answered. A hand pressed my head forward and down, down, down. To follow the direction, I had to go put my hands down and go into a crawl. A leash was clipped to the halter, and I was pulled forward, my tears and protests completely ignored.

Dark Fantasies, part one

Beloved and I dropped off the kids, and when we got back into the car, he pulled out the temporary collar. I didn't think anything of it...we had talked about just going home and playing. But then the cuffs came out. I was a little less confident with that, but I put them on myself as Beloved pulled away from the curb. The next comment came out of the blue. We were at a stop sign.

"Reach under your seat belt and put your hands behind your back."

I looked at him, frowning. "What?"

The corners of his mouth smirked at me, obviously amused that he'd caught me off-guard. His voice, however, was a different matter. Master Saul is not one to be crossed. "You heard me. Do it."

I swallowed and complied. He reached behind me and locked the cuffs together. He continued to drive, speaking causally, as if we were discussing bills or chores.

"I want you to understand something, pixie. You are my most prized possession. Do not doubt that I love you with all of my heart. That said, I am concerned that things between us have become predictable. I am concerned that you don't feel challenged. I have arranged a new challenge for you. Do you trust me to do as you are told, without question?"

My stomach was dropping, my heart was skipping. I trust Beloved to the ends of the earth. I trust Master Saul to scare me, hurt me, and then return me to Beloved's gentle aftercare. But generally, the scare and hurt is scary and hurty!

"Y-yes, Master," I managed, my mouth suddenly dry.

We were still driving around our neighborhood. Master pulled to the curb, reach over, and kissed me deeply, running his hand up my thigh and under my skirt.

"Lift your hips so I can take off your panties."

Getting them off over my books was a little tricky, but he managed. Then he pulled my thighs open, teasing my pussy ever so slightly. I could feel the heat rise in my cheeks, but I didn't fight.

"Good girl!"

Then came the blindfold, and once again, the car pulled away from the curb.

How can I possibly explain the terrified exhilaration that raced through my mine and electrified my body? I sat beside Master, somewhat helpless, going who-knows where, and dark, dirty possibilities flickering past my closed eyes. I was very silent, contemplating possibilities, worrying and wondering and hoping.

Yes, hoping. As scared as I was, this was also new and exciting and Master was making it easier to accept by making me powerless. It was as hot as scary!

We were on the highway for some time. It's hard to say how long, but long enough he wasn't just trying to mess with my head. We were going SOMEWHERE. When the car stopped, it was quiet, so it wasn't the city. Master was still sitting next to me when the car door opened and a large hand closed around my right arm. I panicked.

"Beloved?!" My voice cracked revealingly.

Master Saul answered back. "Trust me, pixie. Do what is asked of you. Make me proud."

My lips trembled and I could feel the tears building. "Please..."

"Go, pixie. Don't make me tell you again."

I felt dizzy and nauseous as I was led through the grass by Someone. Master Saul knew where I was...Master Saul had negotiated this scene...Master Saul was in control of the situation. Trust....trust....trust. Every step, I chanted in my head, trying to calm myself.

A deep voice aided my navigation. "Step up." Forward two more steps, then, "Step." I was inside somewhere. The hand remained on my arm, but there was another person by my feet, pulling off my boots, removing my socks. Then hands were on the drawstring of my skirt. I flinched away. "Stop!"

The hand on my arm tightened painfully. I froze. The cord was pulled and the skirt lay in a heap at my feet. Scissors snipped, and I blanched, fearful. Someone steadied me while my shirt and bra were cut off my body. The blindfold was already sodden from my tears.

Naked, arms behind my back, I was guided through the house. The floors were hardwood, the air conditioning cool. I could barely smell bacon and lemon cleaning. Everything was very quiet. "Step down," came the deep voice. My head ached, and I stumbled despite the warning. My Guide grabbed me, keeping me from falling. I was brought a few more paces, stop. Hands unlocked my cuffs.

Immediately, I tried to fight. I wrench myself away, kicking with my right foot, swinging around to pull the blindfold away. My hopes of "surprise" were dashed; my hand was grabbed and a stinging slap landed on my left cheek. Another set of strong hands were on my ankles then. I kicked and bucked to no avail. My hands were drawn up over my head and secured, my legs pried apart, cuffed, and locked. A St. Andrew's cross. The people retreated, allowing me to wear out my struggles alone. I screamed and pleaded, beseeching Master to save me. This was too much! A glimmer of hope flashed through me. Red light! RED LIGHT!!!!

Silence. I bowed my head, sobbing, despair filling my head as anger bubbled up. Beloved abandoned me! How fucking DARE he?! Hate, anger, nausea overwhelmed me and I screamed again, fighting the bonds. I don't know how long it was before I was worn out by the storm of emotions. At last, I hung on the cross, exhausted and hurting, quiet.

Guide's deep voice reached across the room to me. "Are you done?"

My head snapped up in the direction of the voice. "Fuck you!" I growled.

"Maybe, in time. Answer the question: are you done?"

My throat went dry with the hint of my near future. The patience in that voice made it clear Guide had sat through my entire tantrum, and was prepared to wait some more. My arms ached from the position. I was snotty and tear-grimed. I sobbed again, my voice becoming a hoarse keening that thinned into silence. I was exhausted.

Footsteps approached me, and a tissue covered my nose. Guide's voice; "Blow." Like I child, I blew my nose. My face was wiped with a damp cloth. A finger slipped under my chin. "Are you done?"

If my eyes hadn't already been closed, I would have closed them. As it was, I simply drooped. "Yes." My voice was raw.

"Yes what?" Hurt filled me. Apparently, I wasn't done. Apparently, this was only the beginning.

"Yes, Sir, " I whispered.

Isolating

That was what Beloved said to me last night. I asked if he realized how silly that sounded. After all, there's been regular get-togethers with friends, hosting events, and an endless stream of outings with the kids. How could I be isolating?!?

Because I know you. You can be alone in a crowd.

He is right...I can be at the center table of a crowded conference and be utterly alone. I "build walls" to keep people out...or to keep myself in.

For months now, I've been overextending myself. If I stay busy, maybe I won't notice, won't feel, won't realize how tired/hurt/confused/frustrated I am. It isn't working out well. I'm snappy with the kids; I'm distant with Beloved.

I don't know what to do about it.

It's not like Beloved is well-rested and living it up. He's working at least as hard as I am. He's balancing work politics, family politics, and me. We both need a reboot, but when/where/how to make that happen is elusive.

Instead, today, I've run three loads of laundry, done the dishes, completed a grocery shop, gotten Boy to counting class and digging class, and started dinner. *wry smile* And that doesn't sound like nearly enough to me. I must have done something else with the day...haven't I?

All in all it's just another brick in the wall.

Human suffering

Knowing enough medical terminology to understand but unable to DO anything about the situation makes my brain hurt and my heart bleed. The neglect would be criminal if a child was involved, but since it is only an adult self, it's a "choice" of "lifestyle" that is really a form of passive suicide that no one wants to deal with.

it's late

Thus it's quiet. Blessed quiet. And here I am...hiding in the cyberworld.

My current-in-this-moment-before-I-move fantasy is to be stripped down, hands held above my head while hands caress and tease my body while my eyes are closed. To be pleasured and teased until I'm half mad with laughter and desire. To feel mouths on my breasts, my fingers, my lips, my pussy. To be fed a cock while being suckled, or fucked, or stroked. To be held, cradled, unable to escape the focused attention and forced pleasure until I'm screaming in delight and then float away on dreams not of my own making.

*soft smile* It's late...thus, I can whisper such things into the dark, and leave you feeling my desire.

fer fuck's sake!

Five minutes of consecutive silence. Really. That's all I want right now!!!

I know...grass is always greener on the other side, but I really miss the external quiet. I have enough of a circus inside my head...the children and the phone and the outside demands are just a little much right now.

Why can't MIL get her life figured out?
Why does Boy HAVE to torment Girl?
Why do the birds sing loudly at 4am but go quiet by 6am?
Why do I want more people in my life?
Why do I run to the computer when I have a spare moment?

*winces* That last one I can answer...I'm trying to escape into the fantastic cyber world. Cause in the cyberworld, I'm a pixie...magic, accomplished, dazzling. I'm feeling very trapped in the muggle world. Outside, I'm a tired mom who hasn't even brushed her hair yet and it's dinner time and the kids are alternately underfoot or screaming.

Please...please please please...can I just close my eyes and be pixie? Please...?

It's the little things...

I'm just irritable. Girl is teething and has been tumbling head over hands in her new explorations, so she is frequently fussing. I spent several hours cleaning out the closet in the master bedroom, defrosting the freezer in the basement, doing general sorting and organizing, paying bills. The weather hasn't cooperated with my plans to work in the yard. Beloved's not feeling well.

All of it is piling up and making me grit my teeth.

It's no one's fault, and most of it is very understandable, but I feel like I've accomplished nothing. Probably mostly because the work that I HAVE done is in areas that aren't generally looked at. *sigh*

They say it's the little things that count...maybe that is the problem.

Physical properties

A profile I came across included, "I believe that a slave has no limits of her own. How can property say what she will or won't do?"

The debate about limits is common enough in the lifestyle, but the way this particular statement was made, a thought sprang to mind.

The physical properties of a material DO limit what can and can't be done with it. Of course, you can do anything you want to a chair, but you risk breaking it if you use it improperly. Same with a person. There ARE limits, and if they aren't respected, there will be a mess on your hands.

Monthly girl troubles...

No surprise, I'm not a fan of my menstrual cycle, or my moon, as I prefer to refer to it. It interferes with my life and my sex life. Beloved swears he isn't bothered by it, but *I* AM. As in HARD LIMIT bothered.

I just don't feel sexy at all, and I definitely don't feel clean. I get moody. Since the pregnancies, the cramps go down my legs and make me miserable. By day 3, the cramps end, but by then I'm so tender and sore and raw. I'm pretty sure I'm dealing with menorrhagia (definitely more than 80 ml, and resulting in anemia), but when I mentioned it to my OB, she wanted to insert Mirena. I felt like it was a pressure sale...not necessarily right for ME, but the latest and greatest that the pharmaceutical rep peddled. Nope, not interested. So, every month, I'm challenged by this, but usually I just close up shop and whimper.

Sometimes I feel like an utter heel putting him off. Sometimes I'm just not convinced that he really doesn't mind. Sometimes I wonder if the "red wings" culture is something selfishly I'm denying.

I'm I just being a prud?

not dead...

just kinda being busy with summer. Swim lessons EVERY day with Boy has been frustrating, fun, and exhausting. Garden is coming along, slowly. Capannari ice cream is awesome!