LunaKM asks, "If you could go back in time and restart your journey into BDSM would you do anything differently? Would you have read more? Gone to a Munch sooner?"
Amusing question at this particular point. MAYBE...maybe following up with the idea of actual contractual training outside? For both of us? Or maybe not coinciding the D/s journey with that of learning parenting?
I definitely would not have read more...the bits that I HAVE read generally lead to comparisons and "I'm doing it wrong" complexes. If we didn't have the children, attending more of the community social events might have changed things. It took finding the "right" crowd to make that sort of thing enjoyable, though. We attended some things early on and felt...cold shouldered? Those experiences certainly flavored Beloved's interest in attending further.
Would I know what I know NOW? *wry smile* If we'd been able to avoid the pitfall of "playing to others" better, that might have saved us a lot of irritation.
*shrug* All of that is the long way of saying I don't know what might have changed the path. MTR aptly commented that it takes two to tango. So...I don't know.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
To every season...
It was gently pointed out to me that there are people who read here who I do not know and to simply disappear wasn't exactly fair. I apologize.
If you are a regular reader, you know so well that for the last couple of months, I've been riding a roller coaster, wondering if and when I could get off. I've written about taking a break, I've disappeared for a week, I've tried seeking quiet in my heart. There's been so much going on...Beloved's work is in major drastic flux, his mom just had a massive tumor removed from her back, the kids are running me ragged. Underneath it all, my service has been severely lacking and a burden to me as well as Beloved.
We have decided to dissolve our D/s relationship.
It is more of an acknowledgment of what has already happened, so while I was raw yesterday, I'm quietly accepting today. I don't know yet how this will impact other possible relationships; Beloved has encouraged me to seek *something* elsewhere if I feel it is important. I'm so not ready to jump into that fire...like I said, life has been crazy for me...US...lately, and there simply isn't the time or energy to even consider that work. And besides, no one can replace my Beloved Master.
There's also a disappointment that the D/s concepts didn't deliver what I had hoped...balance and peace of mind while I am on the home front. *sad smile* I suppose such things have a higher price than a simple lifestyle label.
In my mind, it seems unnecessary to say, but for your comfort, the D/s is the ONLY part of our relationship that we are dissolving. He is ever my Beloved husband and partner.
I may continue to write here. Nicothoe commented that I have desire to write, a place to consolidate your thoughts and events taking place in your life into words. A place to write about your daily life, to post a recipe, to embark on a political or philosophical rant, to post fictional tales of love and romance, a place to let off steam. I do at that. *smiles* I don't know what will happen in the near future. I only know that change is happening.
If you are a regular reader, you know so well that for the last couple of months, I've been riding a roller coaster, wondering if and when I could get off. I've written about taking a break, I've disappeared for a week, I've tried seeking quiet in my heart. There's been so much going on...Beloved's work is in major drastic flux, his mom just had a massive tumor removed from her back, the kids are running me ragged. Underneath it all, my service has been severely lacking and a burden to me as well as Beloved.
We have decided to dissolve our D/s relationship.
It is more of an acknowledgment of what has already happened, so while I was raw yesterday, I'm quietly accepting today. I don't know yet how this will impact other possible relationships; Beloved has encouraged me to seek *something* elsewhere if I feel it is important. I'm so not ready to jump into that fire...like I said, life has been crazy for me...US...lately, and there simply isn't the time or energy to even consider that work. And besides, no one can replace my Beloved Master.
There's also a disappointment that the D/s concepts didn't deliver what I had hoped...balance and peace of mind while I am on the home front. *sad smile* I suppose such things have a higher price than a simple lifestyle label.
In my mind, it seems unnecessary to say, but for your comfort, the D/s is the ONLY part of our relationship that we are dissolving. He is ever my Beloved husband and partner.
I may continue to write here. Nicothoe commented that I have desire to write, a place to consolidate your thoughts and events taking place in your life into words. A place to write about your daily life, to post a recipe, to embark on a political or philosophical rant, to post fictional tales of love and romance, a place to let off steam. I do at that. *smiles* I don't know what will happen in the near future. I only know that change is happening.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
sad realization
I'm sitting on the couch, laptop on my lap. The children are in the bedroom - Boy changing clothes for the third time, Girl fussing because she wants out of her crib. The house isn't ready for the DOM in 6 hours, and neither is the menu as I haven't come up with a suitable vegetarian offering. I have no joy in the prospect of the afternoon and evening.
Beloved and I messaged about it...
pixiemschf: I have no joy in preparing for the DOM today. With no one to watch the children, I am frustrated and snippy and angry with the whole prospect. I felt your tiredness this morning as well at the prospect. Would you consider telling the others that we are no longer up for hosting the DOM? Or is it still important to you??
Beloved Master: I will consider it, I am not in a place or time to do so right now though
pixiemschf: I understand...that is why I asked you to consider it...for the future. Obviously, we cannot really cancel tonight I love you.
Beloved Master: I love you too, we also need to consider if our D/s is still relevant to the place we are at in our relationship. I have felt for the last few months that it is a burden to you. So... something else for you to consider
pixiemschf: *sad smile* yes.
I think that two children, unstable moods, complications with our families, and general frustration with the way life has been for months is taking it's toll. I've written a lot about taking a break...perhaps, it is more than a break.
When the cord was cut on my key last year for Girl's birth, in my mind it was the cutting of my collar. I understand now that Beloved didn't see it that way, but when it wasn't returned immediately...and then when he returned the key, but not as my collar, offering instead a training collar that never went anyway...
I ache inside. Somewhere, somehow, the castle turned to sand, and it is slipping through our fingers.
Beloved and I messaged about it...
pixiemschf: I have no joy in preparing for the DOM today. With no one to watch the children, I am frustrated and snippy and angry with the whole prospect. I felt your tiredness this morning as well at the prospect. Would you consider telling the others that we are no longer up for hosting the DOM? Or is it still important to you??
Beloved Master: I will consider it, I am not in a place or time to do so right now though
pixiemschf: I understand...that is why I asked you to consider it...for the future. Obviously, we cannot really cancel tonight I love you.
Beloved Master: I love you too, we also need to consider if our D/s is still relevant to the place we are at in our relationship. I have felt for the last few months that it is a burden to you. So... something else for you to consider
pixiemschf: *sad smile* yes.
I think that two children, unstable moods, complications with our families, and general frustration with the way life has been for months is taking it's toll. I've written a lot about taking a break...perhaps, it is more than a break.
When the cord was cut on my key last year for Girl's birth, in my mind it was the cutting of my collar. I understand now that Beloved didn't see it that way, but when it wasn't returned immediately...and then when he returned the key, but not as my collar, offering instead a training collar that never went anyway...
I ache inside. Somewhere, somehow, the castle turned to sand, and it is slipping through our fingers.
Run, Run, Run...
Okay, so the weekend was pretty good. Hung out with Rabbit on Friday, and that turned into a fun little frosting-covered make-out session (and if you want to watch a terrible poly movie that is actually positive poly, try "Contadora Is for Lovers"...but OMG is the filming done on handheld camcorders or what?!) We talked a little about where things were going...I think we both kind hope further, but the shy streaks are there for both of us. *grins* Beloved might be in trouble if I get a lot more involved with Rabbit, though...she's drawn out more "top" in me and the snarky attitude leaks over.
Missi and Rude spent the night Friday, and Missi fried up 120 crab ragoons in the morning while the rest of us worked on final touches. The party itself everyone enjoyed, and the COMPANY left about 3pm, but we had friends hang out and there were 15 of us for supper, and the cousins spent the night.
Breakfast for 11 was orchestrated beautifully by Beloved. There was a bit of a dash to pick up and then the cousins left, Girl went down for a nap, and Boy and I went to the story for dishwashing detergent. Beloved grabbed a nap, and I took an afternoon nap with the kids. When I woke up,Beloved had arranged childcare so we went with Einhander to see Inception. I'm still in WOW mode about the movie. I don't know why it's getting bad reviews...it was pretty amazing.
Monday, the kids and I ran a couple of errands, went to the park (it was amazing how flooded the area was, I guess the storms last week WERE that bad), and got naps in. Still a little crabby from all the over-stimulation, but we are recovering.
Today...I don't know how things are going to play out entirely. My moon started, and I've got the cramps down the thighs and slightly dizzy achies going on. The house needs help because the DOM is tonight. I'm waiting/hoping the paprin kicks in soon, because I just don't have time for this right now...
Missi and Rude spent the night Friday, and Missi fried up 120 crab ragoons in the morning while the rest of us worked on final touches. The party itself everyone enjoyed, and the COMPANY left about 3pm, but we had friends hang out and there were 15 of us for supper, and the cousins spent the night.
Breakfast for 11 was orchestrated beautifully by Beloved. There was a bit of a dash to pick up and then the cousins left, Girl went down for a nap, and Boy and I went to the story for dishwashing detergent. Beloved grabbed a nap, and I took an afternoon nap with the kids. When I woke up,Beloved had arranged childcare so we went with Einhander to see Inception. I'm still in WOW mode about the movie. I don't know why it's getting bad reviews...it was pretty amazing.
Monday, the kids and I ran a couple of errands, went to the park (it was amazing how flooded the area was, I guess the storms last week WERE that bad), and got naps in. Still a little crabby from all the over-stimulation, but we are recovering.
Today...I don't know how things are going to play out entirely. My moon started, and I've got the cramps down the thighs and slightly dizzy achies going on. The house needs help because the DOM is tonight. I'm waiting/hoping the paprin kicks in soon, because I just don't have time for this right now...
Friday, July 23, 2010
All hell is about to break loose...
It's Girl's FIRST BIRTHDAY WEEKEND! Actually, her birthday was Thursday, and we has a small playdate with some friends, mini cupcakes, and sang "happy birthday". Saturday is when we are doing The Party...although the insanity starts tonight...
Beloved is having his gaming group over tonight to play StarWars and (probably) God of War, and Rabbit is coming over to help decorate. I know Missi and Rude are spending the night, although I *think* that's it...
Saturday, Missi plans to deep-fry crab ragoon first thing in the morning (before it gets hot). I expect RedVulpes and cousins to descend around 10am, and the rest of our family and friends will be trickling in between 11am and noon for a big lunch celebration. Thai chicken, crab ragoon, rice salad, fruit salad, and green salad will be served, and then I've made brownies and a cake for dessert. Things will wind down naturally at some point, but I'm guessing there will still be around 15 people for supper, and many of those are spending the night....
Sunday? I am hoping to clear the house by 2pm and BREATHE! *laughs* We'll see if that works out.
Monday should be pretty quiet, but Tuesday is the DOM gathering. Nighthawk-Sir is presenting on knifeplay, and I managed to find a demo bottom for the evening (relief for a lot of reasons, although I'm vaguely disappointed, too).
So...yes. All hell is about to break loose. And honestly? for all the complaints and worries, I'm loving the challenge!
Beloved is having his gaming group over tonight to play StarWars and (probably) God of War, and Rabbit is coming over to help decorate. I know Missi and Rude are spending the night, although I *think* that's it...
Saturday, Missi plans to deep-fry crab ragoon first thing in the morning (before it gets hot). I expect RedVulpes and cousins to descend around 10am, and the rest of our family and friends will be trickling in between 11am and noon for a big lunch celebration. Thai chicken, crab ragoon, rice salad, fruit salad, and green salad will be served, and then I've made brownies and a cake for dessert. Things will wind down naturally at some point, but I'm guessing there will still be around 15 people for supper, and many of those are spending the night....
Sunday? I am hoping to clear the house by 2pm and BREATHE! *laughs* We'll see if that works out.
Monday should be pretty quiet, but Tuesday is the DOM gathering. Nighthawk-Sir is presenting on knifeplay, and I managed to find a demo bottom for the evening (relief for a lot of reasons, although I'm vaguely disappointed, too).
So...yes. All hell is about to break loose. And honestly? for all the complaints and worries, I'm loving the challenge!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
In the dead dark hours near midnight....
Okay, so it's not that dark. The light is on and Beloved is across the table from me working on something or other, but it IS close to midnight. He'd be the first to agree we are being STOOPID about sleep. *sigh* So much for the reflexology, eh? I'm as wide awake as I ever am at this time of night.
I ramble. heh. That should be a sign, right? oiy.
So last week, I made a post on craigslist. I've been feeling vaguely guilty about it because I didn't mention it to Malifeo or Rabbit, but at the same time, I know they are both dating others, so what the hell.
Beloved, on the other hand... *sigh* He's so busy that he doesn't really date, and since Adaya moved...really, nothing. So he is both teasing me about my liaisons and wistfully hoping that I find what I'm looking for.
ouch. Maybe it would help if I KNEW what I was looking for in the first place, but I don't. I'm in the clumsy, messy process of flinging mud on the wall, hoping for a clearer picture. It's not working all that well, although I really like Rabbit and things might lots of fun if Malifeo weren't 120+ miles away.
Sometimes it makes me sad. Sometimes, when I am talking to someone who is struggling, I understand all too well how hard it can be, although *I* am usually on the other side...the one who gets to go out and have fun and meet people. I wish I knew how to share THAT side more clearly. That being the one who goes out comes with it's own worries, heartaches, and fears. Am I hurting the one I love with no real reason, no real end-point to the quest, the hurt? Gods, what the hell AM I doing?
I dunno. Sometimes I think the whole poly thing sucks boulders. Most of the time I think it sucks boulders. But giving it up, closing out the possibility of finding...what? I don't know. I just don't know.
I ramble. heh. That should be a sign, right? oiy.
So last week, I made a post on craigslist. I've been feeling vaguely guilty about it because I didn't mention it to Malifeo or Rabbit, but at the same time, I know they are both dating others, so what the hell.
Beloved, on the other hand... *sigh* He's so busy that he doesn't really date, and since Adaya moved...really, nothing. So he is both teasing me about my liaisons and wistfully hoping that I find what I'm looking for.
ouch. Maybe it would help if I KNEW what I was looking for in the first place, but I don't. I'm in the clumsy, messy process of flinging mud on the wall, hoping for a clearer picture. It's not working all that well, although I really like Rabbit and things might lots of fun if Malifeo weren't 120+ miles away.
Sometimes it makes me sad. Sometimes, when I am talking to someone who is struggling, I understand all too well how hard it can be, although *I* am usually on the other side...the one who gets to go out and have fun and meet people. I wish I knew how to share THAT side more clearly. That being the one who goes out comes with it's own worries, heartaches, and fears. Am I hurting the one I love with no real reason, no real end-point to the quest, the hurt? Gods, what the hell AM I doing?
I dunno. Sometimes I think the whole poly thing sucks boulders. Most of the time I think it sucks boulders. But giving it up, closing out the possibility of finding...what? I don't know. I just don't know.
Monday, July 19, 2010
My week(s)...continued
Today...Monday! Just another manic Monday...oh-we-oh...
I don't know what's up with Girl, but she has REALLY been fussy with me. Teeth? Milestones? Growing pains? All of the above?!? sheesh!
I met up with a woman in Plainfield who "just can't get over how many ways we are alike." Her kids are older, her house is bigger and "nicer", but everything seemed very chaotic. Not in a bad way...just...well, chaotic. There were fascinating collections that I became very conscious of having LITTLE kids who want to TOUCH everything. *smiles* Good hearts, though! I liked her and her kids were very considerate and caring. I'm not sure if anything more than friendship will develop, but hey, having another woman friend to hang out with occasionally might be good for me.
This afternoon, I met up with a foot fetishist...sorta. It's amusing to me how people define "fetish". In this case, he didn't consider himself a fetishist because mere photographs of feet did nothing for him. *smiles* He came over to do some reflexology to help my insomnia problems, but over the course of several e-mails, I'd teased him enough that when we met up, he dared to ask if Beloved got off on feet, and I said I didn't really think so...that he chewed on my feet for the reactions. He asked what I meant because I wasn't ticklish. I said it was mostly because Beloved will just grab a foot and chew, not caring where I'd been walking or how clean my feet were, which totally gross me out! C laughed and said he probably wouldn't care either, but that my feet looked pretty clean and could he...well, please...would I mind...
So I let him suck on my toes. Fetishists are strange, but whatever floats your boat. He had an obvious hard-on. He readjusted my feet so I was pressing against his jeans. He was very polite and asked for more and when denied, although disappointed, he also seemed relieved that I was (apparently) a responsible parent. He asked to excuse himself to deal with matters. *I* thought he was very sweet and kinda sad-lonely. I ended up giving him a kiss on his way out. When I confessed this to Beloved he (probably) smirked and say that I was such the pity lay.
*rolls eyes* Yes, probably true. It feeds into the fantasy girl...desperate guy who can't believe he's getting a bit of luck with a sexy pixie... *shy smirk* It's HOT to think *I* have that effect on men.
So...in four days, I've directly pleasured two guys and indirectly pleasured a third AND met a bi woman with whom things are nebulously neutral. Does that make me a slut, or what?
I don't know what's up with Girl, but she has REALLY been fussy with me. Teeth? Milestones? Growing pains? All of the above?!? sheesh!
I met up with a woman in Plainfield who "just can't get over how many ways we are alike." Her kids are older, her house is bigger and "nicer", but everything seemed very chaotic. Not in a bad way...just...well, chaotic. There were fascinating collections that I became very conscious of having LITTLE kids who want to TOUCH everything. *smiles* Good hearts, though! I liked her and her kids were very considerate and caring. I'm not sure if anything more than friendship will develop, but hey, having another woman friend to hang out with occasionally might be good for me.
This afternoon, I met up with a foot fetishist...sorta. It's amusing to me how people define "fetish". In this case, he didn't consider himself a fetishist because mere photographs of feet did nothing for him. *smiles* He came over to do some reflexology to help my insomnia problems, but over the course of several e-mails, I'd teased him enough that when we met up, he dared to ask if Beloved got off on feet, and I said I didn't really think so...that he chewed on my feet for the reactions. He asked what I meant because I wasn't ticklish. I said it was mostly because Beloved will just grab a foot and chew, not caring where I'd been walking or how clean my feet were, which totally gross me out! C laughed and said he probably wouldn't care either, but that my feet looked pretty clean and could he...well, please...would I mind...
So I let him suck on my toes. Fetishists are strange, but whatever floats your boat. He had an obvious hard-on. He readjusted my feet so I was pressing against his jeans. He was very polite and asked for more and when denied, although disappointed, he also seemed relieved that I was (apparently) a responsible parent. He asked to excuse himself to deal with matters. *I* thought he was very sweet and kinda sad-lonely. I ended up giving him a kiss on his way out. When I confessed this to Beloved he (probably) smirked and say that I was such the pity lay.
*rolls eyes* Yes, probably true. It feeds into the fantasy girl...desperate guy who can't believe he's getting a bit of luck with a sexy pixie... *shy smirk* It's HOT to think *I* have that effect on men.
So...in four days, I've directly pleasured two guys and indirectly pleasured a third AND met a bi woman with whom things are nebulously neutral. Does that make me a slut, or what?
Sunday, July 18, 2010
My week(s)...
People often ask you, "What's the most embarrassing moment you had in your life?" Oftentimes, we try to go to a humorous place.
But the most embarrassing moments are when we fail to live up to the moral courage we're required to.
-Terrence Howard
*wry smile* Boy, I sooooo get this! It's probably the biggest hurdle Beloved and I have about having an open relationship: I get caught up in the "social wrong" of having intimate relationships with someone else and so lie about it because I don't have the courage to tell the truth. Beloved's painfully understanding and coaches me on telling the truth, but it's hard some times!
Like kissing a stranger today because I felt sorry for sending him to the bathroom to "relieve" himself. That hadn't been on the approved list, hadn't been planned, but when he was leaving, it just seemed the natural thing to do...so I did...
Which is usually what gets me into trouble in the first place. Whatever the PLAN is, I follow what seems natural. *sigh*
ANYWAY, it's been a hell of a summer! haha...I gave up trying to finish a post about July 9-10-11 because I kept getting interrupted. grrrr...So, you'll have to settle for cliffnote versions of what I've been up to.
July 9: I got to hang out with Rabbit. We went to dinner at Ballydoyle's in Downers Grove. Apparently Fridays are Cruise Nights in Downers, so traffic and parking were a little crazy, but once we got seated, everything was pretty good. *grins* Pretty great. Rabbit and I sat and talked for almost 4 hours! I'm not sure what directions might come up, but it would seem we have a budding partners-in-crime friendship.
I got home just before midnight, and there was still a houseful of folks, two of whom ended up spending the night. Kids were up and down all night, though...
July 10: Beloved got up with the kids, and there was evidence of gaming this morning when I dragged myself out of bed at 9am. *rolls eyes* Lazy pixie! But I got up and changed diapers, mowed the grass, checked e-mail, and then went out and ran some errands with Boy. Two of the stops was to pick up as many spools as I could find of a particular ribbon for Rabbit for work. I managed to collect a total of 11 rolls by the time I dropped them off...
That afternoon, we left Rude13 in the middle of an online tournament to go play boardgames with a bunch of other parents. We had fun, the kids had a blast, and we arrive home tired but happy and amused that Rude really had spend 6.5 hours just hanging out at our place, alone...he spent the night again.
July 11: I managed to get myself up with the kids and we played a little before Beloved came down. Girl was ready for a morning nap and I had to drop the ribbon I'd collected, so Boy and I made the run. That afternoon, there was an impromptu visit from RedVulpes and his girls..."just dinner" for twelve people, half of whom were under ten years old. :-P
July 12: Kids and I went to Blackberry Farm and ran and ran and ran. I got them home, fed, bathed, and bedded by 8:00 (usually we START the baths at about 8pm). Beloved worked late, but not as late as I'd expected, so we had a little fun when he came home.
July 13: Kids went over to a friends house and I did some work at home. (Why is it that "down time" always seems to include chores???) Intentions of going to a yoga class fell apart because dinner took too long. Meh...whatever.
July 14: Beloved, being the mild sadist that he is, answered the phone and completely stunned the poor girl. *wry smile* He was still amused when he woke me gentle and told me about it. He gave me a few minutes, then reappeared with my phone saying I had, "Oh, thirty seconds" to call her back and not make a liar out of him. :-P Silly man! But I called and spent about an hour coaxing her into a better headspace. When I was up and about, I checked in on Boy...He seemed awfully warm and tired...When I took his temperature, it was 103. Yikes. Motrin and more fluids, and he seemed much better. Bouncing off the walls, better. *sigh* I was a bad momma, and I took him out in search of some AC (and more space to bounce). Another friend called as we were getting home...she needed some coaching through some of her hardships and I told her to come over. Beloved came home and spent more time talking to her, and I kinda think HE was on a better wavelength with her than I was. She ended up spending the night.
July 15: Spent the morning helping with a job search, because apparently I have "mad skilz" in the searching department. I dunno...While I FIND a bunch of stuff, it generally seems that people discover better options on their own, but I'll help if I can. *shrug* Beloved went to Great America with his co-worker, but ended up on the bench, people-watching because he wasn't feeling well. Good thing there was "plenty to see"! Both kids were a bit feverish, so we laid low all afternoon. Beloved came home slightly green and was in bed before the kids were. When everyone was settled, I finished my fluff book and went grocery shopping.
July 16: Girl seemed more fussy that her usual self, but otherwise the kids were recovered. Beloved went to work despite his pallor. It was a day.
July 17: I slept until about 8:30, then I read a bit and got teased when Beloved came in and found me lounging with my book! Beloved grabbed my pajama pants and had his way with me, using first his lips and tongue, then his cock. Slight dazed, I got my jammies back on and drifted downstairs. Beloved then teased me about the carpets...I've been grumbling about them internally for a while, and I said I'd been debating on contacting Jay. Beloved shrugged and said I could, then he took the kids to the park and ran them pretty hard. I DID get touch with Jay, who said he could come over immediately. *blush* I checked with Beloved who teased me about video-ing a blow job, but that no one, not even Jay, could see the recording...so when Jay came in, I asked, he agreed. After playing, Jay cleaned the carpets on the floor, and was just finishing up when Beloved came home with the kids.
After Jay packed up his equipment and left, Beloved said he had to reclaim my mouth, and took another video of my work. There's a photo that HE really likes...my hair is all disheveled so I think he's nuts...I don't know if he'll give me a copy to share... But shortly afterwards, Beloved left to go game with some friends. I hosted drum circle and got things back in reasonable order before curling up in bed. Beloved didn't come to bed until after 3am.
July 18: I got up with the kids, but Beloved was up and dressed before I every expected him! Some times I hate how well he functions on little sleep. :-( I shuffled back to nap with Girl. I had a very nice nap, thank you. When I returned to the Land of the Living, much better off than when I'd disappeared, Beloved and Boy had tickets to go see Shrek, the musical in Chicago. Apparently it was a total blast! I managed some personal time because Rain wanted (WANTED!) to babysit and I was happy to let her...I hit the thrift store and scored a great trunk for the kids' dress-up clothes! Einhander and Missi came over and gamed for a while on the PS3.
But the most embarrassing moments are when we fail to live up to the moral courage we're required to.
-Terrence Howard
*wry smile* Boy, I sooooo get this! It's probably the biggest hurdle Beloved and I have about having an open relationship: I get caught up in the "social wrong" of having intimate relationships with someone else and so lie about it because I don't have the courage to tell the truth. Beloved's painfully understanding and coaches me on telling the truth, but it's hard some times!
Like kissing a stranger today because I felt sorry for sending him to the bathroom to "relieve" himself. That hadn't been on the approved list, hadn't been planned, but when he was leaving, it just seemed the natural thing to do...so I did...
Which is usually what gets me into trouble in the first place. Whatever the PLAN is, I follow what seems natural. *sigh*
ANYWAY, it's been a hell of a summer! haha...I gave up trying to finish a post about July 9-10-11 because I kept getting interrupted. grrrr...So, you'll have to settle for cliffnote versions of what I've been up to.
July 9: I got to hang out with Rabbit. We went to dinner at Ballydoyle's in Downers Grove. Apparently Fridays are Cruise Nights in Downers, so traffic and parking were a little crazy, but once we got seated, everything was pretty good. *grins* Pretty great. Rabbit and I sat and talked for almost 4 hours! I'm not sure what directions might come up, but it would seem we have a budding partners-in-crime friendship.
I got home just before midnight, and there was still a houseful of folks, two of whom ended up spending the night. Kids were up and down all night, though...
July 10: Beloved got up with the kids, and there was evidence of gaming this morning when I dragged myself out of bed at 9am. *rolls eyes* Lazy pixie! But I got up and changed diapers, mowed the grass, checked e-mail, and then went out and ran some errands with Boy. Two of the stops was to pick up as many spools as I could find of a particular ribbon for Rabbit for work. I managed to collect a total of 11 rolls by the time I dropped them off...
That afternoon, we left Rude13 in the middle of an online tournament to go play boardgames with a bunch of other parents. We had fun, the kids had a blast, and we arrive home tired but happy and amused that Rude really had spend 6.5 hours just hanging out at our place, alone...he spent the night again.
July 11: I managed to get myself up with the kids and we played a little before Beloved came down. Girl was ready for a morning nap and I had to drop the ribbon I'd collected, so Boy and I made the run. That afternoon, there was an impromptu visit from RedVulpes and his girls..."just dinner" for twelve people, half of whom were under ten years old. :-P
July 12: Kids and I went to Blackberry Farm and ran and ran and ran. I got them home, fed, bathed, and bedded by 8:00 (usually we START the baths at about 8pm). Beloved worked late, but not as late as I'd expected, so we had a little fun when he came home.
July 13: Kids went over to a friends house and I did some work at home. (Why is it that "down time" always seems to include chores???) Intentions of going to a yoga class fell apart because dinner took too long. Meh...whatever.
July 14: Beloved, being the mild sadist that he is, answered the phone and completely stunned the poor girl. *wry smile* He was still amused when he woke me gentle and told me about it. He gave me a few minutes, then reappeared with my phone saying I had, "Oh, thirty seconds" to call her back and not make a liar out of him. :-P Silly man! But I called and spent about an hour coaxing her into a better headspace. When I was up and about, I checked in on Boy...He seemed awfully warm and tired...When I took his temperature, it was 103. Yikes. Motrin and more fluids, and he seemed much better. Bouncing off the walls, better. *sigh* I was a bad momma, and I took him out in search of some AC (and more space to bounce). Another friend called as we were getting home...she needed some coaching through some of her hardships and I told her to come over. Beloved came home and spent more time talking to her, and I kinda think HE was on a better wavelength with her than I was. She ended up spending the night.
July 15: Spent the morning helping with a job search, because apparently I have "mad skilz" in the searching department. I dunno...While I FIND a bunch of stuff, it generally seems that people discover better options on their own, but I'll help if I can. *shrug* Beloved went to Great America with his co-worker, but ended up on the bench, people-watching because he wasn't feeling well. Good thing there was "plenty to see"! Both kids were a bit feverish, so we laid low all afternoon. Beloved came home slightly green and was in bed before the kids were. When everyone was settled, I finished my fluff book and went grocery shopping.
July 16: Girl seemed more fussy that her usual self, but otherwise the kids were recovered. Beloved went to work despite his pallor. It was a day.
July 17: I slept until about 8:30, then I read a bit and got teased when Beloved came in and found me lounging with my book! Beloved grabbed my pajama pants and had his way with me, using first his lips and tongue, then his cock. Slight dazed, I got my jammies back on and drifted downstairs. Beloved then teased me about the carpets...I've been grumbling about them internally for a while, and I said I'd been debating on contacting Jay. Beloved shrugged and said I could, then he took the kids to the park and ran them pretty hard. I DID get touch with Jay, who said he could come over immediately. *blush* I checked with Beloved who teased me about video-ing a blow job, but that no one, not even Jay, could see the recording...so when Jay came in, I asked, he agreed. After playing, Jay cleaned the carpets on the floor, and was just finishing up when Beloved came home with the kids.
After Jay packed up his equipment and left, Beloved said he had to reclaim my mouth, and took another video of my work. There's a photo that HE really likes...my hair is all disheveled so I think he's nuts...I don't know if he'll give me a copy to share... But shortly afterwards, Beloved left to go game with some friends. I hosted drum circle and got things back in reasonable order before curling up in bed. Beloved didn't come to bed until after 3am.
July 18: I got up with the kids, but Beloved was up and dressed before I every expected him! Some times I hate how well he functions on little sleep. :-( I shuffled back to nap with Girl. I had a very nice nap, thank you. When I returned to the Land of the Living, much better off than when I'd disappeared, Beloved and Boy had tickets to go see Shrek, the musical in Chicago. Apparently it was a total blast! I managed some personal time because Rain wanted (WANTED!) to babysit and I was happy to let her...I hit the thrift store and scored a great trunk for the kids' dress-up clothes! Einhander and Missi came over and gamed for a while on the PS3.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
I screwed up...
It wasn't a fall-on-my-face screw up...more of a open-mouth-insert-foot screw up. And I recognized the fact the second my mouth closed. As in, pixie, that was mean, dumb, unfair, and inaccurate.
We got up this morning with the children; I took Girl downstairs while Beloved and Boy showered. Girl, Beloved, and I ate breakfast while Boy finished his bath. He came down asking for a show, and Beloved said he'd promised. That was fine, but it digs at me that it's ALL Boy ever wants when we are home. *sigh*
So Beloved and Boy went upstairs. I tried to finish my breakfast, finish waking up. Girl fussed about my not holding her, trying to climb up my legs and pulling on me. I was hot and still sleepy and quickly becoming grumpy.
When Boy and Beloved came back downstairs from the den, the first thing Boy did was bother Girl, who screamed her complaints. I yelled. Boy pouted. I went into the kitchen, fuming.
Beloved asked what had happened...I was alright a few minutes earlier, why was I so short now?
I snapped. That is how it is ALL day, EVERY day, and YOU get to escape it!
*wince* Stupid, wrong...Especially knowing how stressful and awful the last two days have been in the office. I know work isn't relaxing, isn't an escape. I'm sorry. I know.
Boy is 3 1/2, has the normal 3 1/2 angst, and is struggling with sibling rivalry as well. Girl is just 1, is starting to be interested playing and exploring, and has no real grasp of communication skills. The two of them collide every 3-5 minutes. It is 100% normal. While Beloved goes to work, I struggle to make it through the day with the insanity of children. It's incredibly frustrating to do the same damn thing all of the time. I hated that position in the corporate world, and I hate it at home. I don't know what to do about it, though. *sigh*
Beloved said something about changing my outlook, or redefining what I am trying to accomplish. Maybe he is on to something with that thought...I don't know what I am trying to accomplish. I don't have goals or plans beyond surviving the day and keeping the kids entertained enough they don't kill each other or make ME kill them. I need to focus...on something. Suggestions?
We got up this morning with the children; I took Girl downstairs while Beloved and Boy showered. Girl, Beloved, and I ate breakfast while Boy finished his bath. He came down asking for a show, and Beloved said he'd promised. That was fine, but it digs at me that it's ALL Boy ever wants when we are home. *sigh*
So Beloved and Boy went upstairs. I tried to finish my breakfast, finish waking up. Girl fussed about my not holding her, trying to climb up my legs and pulling on me. I was hot and still sleepy and quickly becoming grumpy.
When Boy and Beloved came back downstairs from the den, the first thing Boy did was bother Girl, who screamed her complaints. I yelled. Boy pouted. I went into the kitchen, fuming.
Beloved asked what had happened...I was alright a few minutes earlier, why was I so short now?
I snapped. That is how it is ALL day, EVERY day, and YOU get to escape it!
*wince* Stupid, wrong...Especially knowing how stressful and awful the last two days have been in the office. I know work isn't relaxing, isn't an escape. I'm sorry. I know.
Boy is 3 1/2, has the normal 3 1/2 angst, and is struggling with sibling rivalry as well. Girl is just 1, is starting to be interested playing and exploring, and has no real grasp of communication skills. The two of them collide every 3-5 minutes. It is 100% normal. While Beloved goes to work, I struggle to make it through the day with the insanity of children. It's incredibly frustrating to do the same damn thing all of the time. I hated that position in the corporate world, and I hate it at home. I don't know what to do about it, though. *sigh*
Beloved said something about changing my outlook, or redefining what I am trying to accomplish. Maybe he is on to something with that thought...I don't know what I am trying to accomplish. I don't have goals or plans beyond surviving the day and keeping the kids entertained enough they don't kill each other or make ME kill them. I need to focus...on something. Suggestions?
Friday, July 2, 2010
Really? Come on...REALLY?
It's finally Friday. It's supposed to be a good day. Decent weather, picnic dinner plans, fireworks. It's SUPPOSED TO BE a good day.
It is 9am, and already it feels like things are crumbling.
My dad called and is canceling plans to walk in the parade. Trouble is, he sounds really really bummed about it and so I feel like I should try to convince him it will be fine. I haven't called him back because I'm struggling with my own grumbles.
My moontime started. It isn't my imagination; I've now mapped it on the calendar, and my cycle is 22 days long. TWENTY-TWO, including my fricken moon. Break that up, and it's 6-7 days of bleeding (and three of those are HEAVY...I'm still losing about 14-16 oz per moon, which is how much you give when you donate blood, and they only let you come back every 8 weeks), cramps, and achy pussy; 8-10 days of reasonable normality; and then 5 days of slippery slope moodiness/PMS. Is it any wonder I feel like crap so much lately? *sigh* I'm giving up and I'm going to see about seeing the doctor again, probably for Mirena. I'm really kinda bummed about having to get back on hormones, but this is crazy.
I also haven't made any progress on the therapist thing. I desperately want it to just be my hormones are just out of wack and getting on new meds will make this all go away. Right?
I've been trying to run a load or two of laundry every day, and it is STILL piling up. I'm behind on chores because we've been out so much.
Beloved told me to see about actualizing a baby-sitting swap, and the other mom I was talking to about it is hedging on actual dates. I've tried! I offered to take her daughter twice, and her response has been non-committal or that they already have plans. *sigh* I get that...I can point to our own calendar and I understand. I'm just not sure how else to make this happen. I WANT to do a baby-sitting swap...but no one else seems interested. I'm thinking about making a flyer to hand out at Boy's classes, but that seems obviously desperate.
Beloved's been really stressed out lately because work is yanking him in eight directions at once. I can't help, and I feel like all of my drama and issues are a huge burden. I'd guess he's feeling the same way because because he doesn't talk to me about it, but then there's almost always a shock when he starts talking about work with other people over dinner.
Girl is teething and has taken to screaming her frustration, drama, and general dissatisfaction. This morning, she yanked my glasses off and the frame broke. I don't have an extra pair, so I will have to deal with taped up glasses for a week.
I'm having a hard time keeping Boy entertained all of the time, and I feel like he's plugging into the video games every second we are home. In the last four days, we have gone to Brookfield Zoo, had math and soccer classes, gone to the Adler Planetarium, gone to different three parks, gone to the mall, gone to Grandma's house, and gone to a friend's house. I'm exhausted and first thing he asks in the morning is for video games or to go to somebody's house.
Seriously? What the FUCK am I supposed to be doing? How do other people do it? Cause I am really not coping very well.
It is 9am, and already it feels like things are crumbling.
My dad called and is canceling plans to walk in the parade. Trouble is, he sounds really really bummed about it and so I feel like I should try to convince him it will be fine. I haven't called him back because I'm struggling with my own grumbles.
My moontime started. It isn't my imagination; I've now mapped it on the calendar, and my cycle is 22 days long. TWENTY-TWO, including my fricken moon. Break that up, and it's 6-7 days of bleeding (and three of those are HEAVY...I'm still losing about 14-16 oz per moon, which is how much you give when you donate blood, and they only let you come back every 8 weeks), cramps, and achy pussy; 8-10 days of reasonable normality; and then 5 days of slippery slope moodiness/PMS. Is it any wonder I feel like crap so much lately? *sigh* I'm giving up and I'm going to see about seeing the doctor again, probably for Mirena. I'm really kinda bummed about having to get back on hormones, but this is crazy.
I also haven't made any progress on the therapist thing. I desperately want it to just be my hormones are just out of wack and getting on new meds will make this all go away. Right?
I've been trying to run a load or two of laundry every day, and it is STILL piling up. I'm behind on chores because we've been out so much.
Beloved told me to see about actualizing a baby-sitting swap, and the other mom I was talking to about it is hedging on actual dates. I've tried! I offered to take her daughter twice, and her response has been non-committal or that they already have plans. *sigh* I get that...I can point to our own calendar and I understand. I'm just not sure how else to make this happen. I WANT to do a baby-sitting swap...but no one else seems interested. I'm thinking about making a flyer to hand out at Boy's classes, but that seems obviously desperate.
Beloved's been really stressed out lately because work is yanking him in eight directions at once. I can't help, and I feel like all of my drama and issues are a huge burden. I'd guess he's feeling the same way because because he doesn't talk to me about it, but then there's almost always a shock when he starts talking about work with other people over dinner.
Girl is teething and has taken to screaming her frustration, drama, and general dissatisfaction. This morning, she yanked my glasses off and the frame broke. I don't have an extra pair, so I will have to deal with taped up glasses for a week.
I'm having a hard time keeping Boy entertained all of the time, and I feel like he's plugging into the video games every second we are home. In the last four days, we have gone to Brookfield Zoo, had math and soccer classes, gone to the Adler Planetarium, gone to different three parks, gone to the mall, gone to Grandma's house, and gone to a friend's house. I'm exhausted and first thing he asks in the morning is for video games or to go to somebody's house.
Seriously? What the FUCK am I supposed to be doing? How do other people do it? Cause I am really not coping very well.
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