Sometimes I wonder...
...what my lovers see. Looking in the mirror, my hair perpetually escaping my styling attempts, my sagging breasts, my soft tummy, my odd wardrobe, my glasses with a wire wrap because they've been broken.
...what my children see. Do they know how much I crave their cuddles? Do they know how much I dream for them? Do they know that sometimes I tiptoe into their room to watch them sleep? Do they know my agony over wanting to escape? Do they know that I have waited years to decorate cookies, make costumes, and dig in the dirt simply to find worms?
...what my family sees. So much of my life is bizarre to them; drum circles, open doors, Oddlots. So much of my life is unspeakable to them, even when it is laid out in public. So much would surprise them. So much would horrify them. So much is carefully glossed over by the safety of motherhood and pretense.
Sometimes I wonder...
...where my chutzpah went. There was a time when I wasn't afraid to walk at night. There was a time when I was asked if I was homeless, and I laughed. There was a time when wandering the wilds of dilapidated buildings and unknown waters was thrilling.
...where my determination went. Often I find myself throwing my hands up in frustration. Often I find myself wistful for things that really aren't out of reach. Often I find myself lost in imaginary worlds of games and books instead of living in the real world. Often I find myself overwhelmed with molehill-mountains.
...where my passion went. I believed I could change the world. I believed I could improve my country. I believed I could run for state office. I believed I could lead my community. I believed, at the very least, I could teach my children.
Sometimes I wonder...
...if I'm too busy looking at the trees to see the forest. If the details of my appearance fade in the attentions I pay. If those out-of-reach things are actually important since I don't push for them. If my unspeakable life is really unspeakable. If people compliment our home for the welcome, the comfort, the laughter, what am I scapegoating the crayon-marked walls and Kool-aid-stained carpet for?
...if five years is long enough for a chapter. Childhood was nearly ten years. Teenage-hood was nearly ten years. Young adulthood was nearly ten years. I have been working on this chapter of my life for a measly five years. It doesn't mean it's over...for my childhood, teenage years, and "yuppie" years color today...and motherhood will surely theme the rest of my life...but can I close this chapter so soon and move on?
...if my magic is really real. People are comfortable in our house, even when the company is mixed. People respond, often times overwhelmingly, to cries for help. People compliment our children for politeness, helpfulness, intelligence. People genuinely support...even love...ME.
Sometimes I wonder...
...oh, yes. Sometimes I wonder.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Decisions, decisions
Part of my dilemma is about more schooling. I loved school and love learning, so it isn't going back that is the question. Beloved has been very clear that if that is the direction I choose, he will support it entirely. The question is more of a discipline decision.
The first time through school, I had a time and a half switching majors and being frustrated. Medical study was fairly well kiboshed because I don't like math...or math doesn't like me...but I couldn't get through Calc II and Physics I and II. I completed degrees and certifications in environmental health, environmental technology, and brownfield remediation with passion. Returning to that area holds appeal. My disagreement with mathematics would present a problem for engineering careers, but I could head for geology, hydrology, haz mat, etc. There are a variety of career paths which could follow from there, ranging from EPA work to private consulting in septics and wells.
The second line of thought is to pursue psychology/sociology with an emphasis on human sexuality. I have found sex and "alternative lifestyle" choices to be fascinating. I am curious about PEOPLE and enjoy making individuals comfortable with their own skin. I'm no expert now, but that's what school is about. Getting certification through AASECT and listing on the KAP Directory would lend itself to something closer to the medical practice I once envisioned myself in.
Third possibility is that of teaching. I grimace at professorship because I don't want to hold to starred papers and research projects that extend into years, but Beloved pointed out I could look at being an instructor without those responsibilities. Or maybe consider something akin to a Montessori high school teacher. (I accept that I'm not great with small kids.) I have experience with curriculum development and teaching, ranging from pre-school to undergraduate.
A fourth daydream is much less formed, but has been persistent over the years. A successful coffee shop by the river and the new college campus downtown. One upscale enough that the morning commuters seek coffee and grab-n-eat options on their walk to the train, but comfortable enough that the college community congregates in the afternoon and evening. One that had familiar stand-bys and adventurous options. A corner with "leave one-take one" bookshelves, with booths for quiet conversations and 1-2 larger tables for group work, and a space for open mic sessions on Friday nights. I'm familiar with restaurant inspection and food safety through my degree in environmental health, although I would need to renew my HACCP certification.
The kids are becoming impatient with my considerations, so I guess that's where I should end this meandering. Those are the four possibilities that I return to, over and over and over. I'm amused by other things, but usually in a fleeting, "ooo, shiney!" fashion. I'd love comments from folks, either "how you see pixie" or "my experience in the field is" light.
The first time through school, I had a time and a half switching majors and being frustrated. Medical study was fairly well kiboshed because I don't like math...or math doesn't like me...but I couldn't get through Calc II and Physics I and II. I completed degrees and certifications in environmental health, environmental technology, and brownfield remediation with passion. Returning to that area holds appeal. My disagreement with mathematics would present a problem for engineering careers, but I could head for geology, hydrology, haz mat, etc. There are a variety of career paths which could follow from there, ranging from EPA work to private consulting in septics and wells.
The second line of thought is to pursue psychology/sociology with an emphasis on human sexuality. I have found sex and "alternative lifestyle" choices to be fascinating. I am curious about PEOPLE and enjoy making individuals comfortable with their own skin. I'm no expert now, but that's what school is about. Getting certification through AASECT and listing on the KAP Directory would lend itself to something closer to the medical practice I once envisioned myself in.
Third possibility is that of teaching. I grimace at professorship because I don't want to hold to starred papers and research projects that extend into years, but Beloved pointed out I could look at being an instructor without those responsibilities. Or maybe consider something akin to a Montessori high school teacher. (I accept that I'm not great with small kids.) I have experience with curriculum development and teaching, ranging from pre-school to undergraduate.
A fourth daydream is much less formed, but has been persistent over the years. A successful coffee shop by the river and the new college campus downtown. One upscale enough that the morning commuters seek coffee and grab-n-eat options on their walk to the train, but comfortable enough that the college community congregates in the afternoon and evening. One that had familiar stand-bys and adventurous options. A corner with "leave one-take one" bookshelves, with booths for quiet conversations and 1-2 larger tables for group work, and a space for open mic sessions on Friday nights. I'm familiar with restaurant inspection and food safety through my degree in environmental health, although I would need to renew my HACCP certification.
The kids are becoming impatient with my considerations, so I guess that's where I should end this meandering. Those are the four possibilities that I return to, over and over and over. I'm amused by other things, but usually in a fleeting, "ooo, shiney!" fashion. I'd love comments from folks, either "how you see pixie" or "my experience in the field is" light.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Dreaded Lists
I've been mulling over the question from last post..."Why do I struggle in the bonds I asked for?"...for about 14 hours now. *laughs* A lot of time, right? But a few things come to mind:
1) It isn't just about me.
Being parents of young children puts a strain on couples everywhere. Quite simply, the kids drain a lot of energy and focus out of me and Beloved. It's one thing to be able to multi-task, but as parents, we are struggling with multi-tasking ALL THE TIME. It's exhausting and we both struggle with it. Last weekend, we had a spat that made it pretty clear that we are both feeling dumped on. How much of that is because we are trying to hoist a perceived burden off the other's shoulders, and instead we are only succeeding in dragging the weight?
2) I don't have a clear understanding of what I want.
As a result, when I am given "down-time" that I am so desperate for, I don't have a focus. I end up escaping into video valium or something equally wasteful. I need to sit and give some serious thought to what I want to DO with my life.
3) I need to live by design, not by default.
That is, merely making up lists of things that need doing...like "Remember the Milk" or chores lists...isn't going to help much. I get caught up in the enthusiasm of crossing tasks off the to-do lists, and I disconnect from the knowingness that life is not about living by a to-do list, or ‘Getting Things Done’. I speed through the list of tasks and feel productive during the day, but when at night, I am tired and unfulfilled. I focus on doing more and staying busy, instead of generating results that matter to me. Thus, I am always struggling with self-worth and looking for external measures that aren't reliable.
Some big bites to chew on, huh? I think so.
Beloved's apparently also been mulling over the situation. Part of his answer came in a request: I want you to relinquish *responsibility* for the children. From 6-8pm they are not your responsibility. Accept that I will ask for help if I need it. This is going to be difficult, but shifting your frame of mind when I get home might allow you to focus.
*deep breath* Okay...I'm working that over in my head. The IMMEDIATE thought is "list of chores, lists of to-dos", but that gets back to my #3. So...what? How do I design my life so that it is purposeful, meaningful, and graceful?
1) It isn't just about me.
Being parents of young children puts a strain on couples everywhere. Quite simply, the kids drain a lot of energy and focus out of me and Beloved. It's one thing to be able to multi-task, but as parents, we are struggling with multi-tasking ALL THE TIME. It's exhausting and we both struggle with it. Last weekend, we had a spat that made it pretty clear that we are both feeling dumped on. How much of that is because we are trying to hoist a perceived burden off the other's shoulders, and instead we are only succeeding in dragging the weight?
2) I don't have a clear understanding of what I want.
As a result, when I am given "down-time" that I am so desperate for, I don't have a focus. I end up escaping into video valium or something equally wasteful. I need to sit and give some serious thought to what I want to DO with my life.
3) I need to live by design, not by default.
That is, merely making up lists of things that need doing...like "Remember the Milk" or chores lists...isn't going to help much. I get caught up in the enthusiasm of crossing tasks off the to-do lists, and I disconnect from the knowingness that life is not about living by a to-do list, or ‘Getting Things Done’. I speed through the list of tasks and feel productive during the day, but when at night, I am tired and unfulfilled. I focus on doing more and staying busy, instead of generating results that matter to me. Thus, I am always struggling with self-worth and looking for external measures that aren't reliable.
Some big bites to chew on, huh? I think so.
Beloved's apparently also been mulling over the situation. Part of his answer came in a request: I want you to relinquish *responsibility* for the children. From 6-8pm they are not your responsibility. Accept that I will ask for help if I need it. This is going to be difficult, but shifting your frame of mind when I get home might allow you to focus.
*deep breath* Okay...I'm working that over in my head. The IMMEDIATE thought is "list of chores, lists of to-dos", but that gets back to my #3. So...what? How do I design my life so that it is purposeful, meaningful, and graceful?
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Wisdom
I met Dove at SJW'09. While we haven't connected since then, I am often awed by her dedication, insight, and wisdom. Today, she shared this:
Finally i asked him point blank: Why are you letting me get away this? I would not tolerate this from a submissive if i were the D/M!?! He very quietly and patiently looked at me and said:
"If i have to push, prod, cajole, etc for you to submit to me, are you really a submissive? Are you really submitting? If i have to fight for every little thing, its easier for me to do the thing myself. You begged for my collar, so why are you testing me? If I am Master, and you saw fit to wear my collar, why do you struggle in the bonds you asked for?"
I had to learn to trust and obey.
*deep breath* wow. yes. This fits me so well, it aches...it seems so simple, but so impossible. Why do I struggle in the bonds I asked for?
Finally i asked him point blank: Why are you letting me get away this? I would not tolerate this from a submissive if i were the D/M!?! He very quietly and patiently looked at me and said:
"If i have to push, prod, cajole, etc for you to submit to me, are you really a submissive? Are you really submitting? If i have to fight for every little thing, its easier for me to do the thing myself. You begged for my collar, so why are you testing me? If I am Master, and you saw fit to wear my collar, why do you struggle in the bonds you asked for?"
I had to learn to trust and obey.
*deep breath* wow. yes. This fits me so well, it aches...it seems so simple, but so impossible. Why do I struggle in the bonds I asked for?
Monday, March 7, 2011
Vagina Meme
1. Does your vagina have a name?
pussy...although I suppose I ought to ask my lovers...someone *might* have named it and not told me about it.
2. What do you typically call your vagina ((cunt, pussy, vaJayJay etc))?
most often, I use 'vulva' since I'm usually caught pottying or trying to get dressed and the kids questions rarely (okay, never so far) refer specifically to my vagina. sometimes I give in during sex and ask for pussy attention, or sometimes I'm being deliberately obnoxious and use cunt...although that usually refers to ME, not my vagina...
3. Is your vagina: "Virgin tight", "been tested" or just "plain loose"?
um..."been tested repeatedly and found pretty damn tight"?
4. Does your g-spot have a name too?
since the mysteries of the g-spot haven't been decidedly answered, I'm not sure that I could tell you WHERE mine is, let alone what it's name is.
5. Your clitoris prefers vibrations or natural hands?
Hands...dear gods, HANDS! Unless the vibrator is a cheap piece of crap in which the batteries are dying...then it might be okay...
6. Vaginas preferred cock stats; Length, girth, bust time, distance penetrated, etc?
I don't have favorite movies, songs, or food...why would my vagina have preferred cock stats?
7. What kind of underwear do you typically keep on it?
Cacique Stretch cotton string bikini
8. Do you shave/trim/wax/leave be etc. your vagina?
Clean-shaven labia, trim the rest. Sometimes, I get inspired to "try something" that I regret because of nicks or some such accidents.
9. Is your vagina pierced/tattooed?
no, no, no....I cannot imagine what something like this would look like when we're 85 years old and the nursing home staff want to know...
10. Does your vagina have a vagina Girlfriend?
no...occasionally I think about it, but we've never actually explored that possibility together.
11. How about Boyfriend instead?
mmmm! It has a couple of those!
13. And what about a favorite penis toy?
There are a few cyber friends who we like to toy with, but again, I don't like to pick FAVORITES.
14. Has it ever been penetrated by something "unusual"?
Unless cold, heartless duckbills count as "unusual" - and face it, we deal with that once a year - we pled the Fifth!
15. Does your vagina cause you to PMS when you receive that monthly gift?
I don't know that I'd call moontimes or menstrual cycles a "gift", but I do tend toward mood swings and the first day or two can be very crampy.
16. Plug it or line that gift?
ummm...Keeper the "gift".
17. Do you know what "N.E.W.P.O.R.T" means?
clueless
18. Have you posted pics/video of your vagina online?
yup
19. Ever had art drawn of your character(s) with your vagina showing?
nope
20. How much did you bull shit on the MeMe just to make lols?
You're laughing? You shouldn't laugh...I'm only being honest...
21. How many guys do you think will open this just to know your cootch better?
*shrug* Probably none...those that get RSS feed are "forcefeed" and the rest probably arrived her by happenstance, not because they were looking to learn about my vagina.
22. Will you tag 3 other Vaginas to do this now, and if so who?!?
Since I haven't personally tagged ANY vaginas EVER, I don't know that I will start here. It's so public and pixalated. I need foreplay, cuddling, coaxing...ya know?
pussy...although I suppose I ought to ask my lovers...someone *might* have named it and not told me about it.
2. What do you typically call your vagina ((cunt, pussy, vaJayJay etc))?
most often, I use 'vulva' since I'm usually caught pottying or trying to get dressed and the kids questions rarely (okay, never so far) refer specifically to my vagina. sometimes I give in during sex and ask for pussy attention, or sometimes I'm being deliberately obnoxious and use cunt...although that usually refers to ME, not my vagina...
3. Is your vagina: "Virgin tight", "been tested" or just "plain loose"?
um..."been tested repeatedly and found pretty damn tight"?
4. Does your g-spot have a name too?
since the mysteries of the g-spot haven't been decidedly answered, I'm not sure that I could tell you WHERE mine is, let alone what it's name is.
5. Your clitoris prefers vibrations or natural hands?
Hands...dear gods, HANDS! Unless the vibrator is a cheap piece of crap in which the batteries are dying...then it might be okay...
6. Vaginas preferred cock stats; Length, girth, bust time, distance penetrated, etc?
I don't have favorite movies, songs, or food...why would my vagina have preferred cock stats?
7. What kind of underwear do you typically keep on it?
Cacique Stretch cotton string bikini
8. Do you shave/trim/wax/leave be etc. your vagina?
Clean-shaven labia, trim the rest. Sometimes, I get inspired to "try something" that I regret because of nicks or some such accidents.
9. Is your vagina pierced/tattooed?
no, no, no....I cannot imagine what something like this would look like when we're 85 years old and the nursing home staff want to know...
10. Does your vagina have a vagina Girlfriend?
no...occasionally I think about it, but we've never actually explored that possibility together.
11. How about Boyfriend instead?
mmmm! It has a couple of those!
13. And what about a favorite penis toy?
There are a few cyber friends who we like to toy with, but again, I don't like to pick FAVORITES.
14. Has it ever been penetrated by something "unusual"?
Unless cold, heartless duckbills count as "unusual" - and face it, we deal with that once a year - we pled the Fifth!
15. Does your vagina cause you to PMS when you receive that monthly gift?
I don't know that I'd call moontimes or menstrual cycles a "gift", but I do tend toward mood swings and the first day or two can be very crampy.
16. Plug it or line that gift?
ummm...Keeper the "gift".
17. Do you know what "N.E.W.P.O.R.T" means?
clueless
18. Have you posted pics/video of your vagina online?
yup
19. Ever had art drawn of your character(s) with your vagina showing?
nope
20. How much did you bull shit on the MeMe just to make lols?
You're laughing? You shouldn't laugh...I'm only being honest...
21. How many guys do you think will open this just to know your cootch better?
*shrug* Probably none...those that get RSS feed are "forcefeed" and the rest probably arrived her by happenstance, not because they were looking to learn about my vagina.
22. Will you tag 3 other Vaginas to do this now, and if so who?!?
Since I haven't personally tagged ANY vaginas EVER, I don't know that I will start here. It's so public and pixalated. I need foreplay, cuddling, coaxing...ya know?
Friday, March 4, 2011
Spring me please!!!
Alright, I've given in and followed the general cry...I'm ready for spring! I'm ready to get OUT, I'm ready to play in the dirt, I'm ready to let the kids run run run, I'm ready to listen to the birds, I'm ready to air out the house, I'm ready to escape the winter blues....
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