Values, part one

I got around to listening to the second half of the first audio session from the Joy Equation today. It's taken two weeks to work through, but I'm doing it! The main discussion was about identifying core values.

Interestingly enough, this was something that Beloved started working on with *his* counseling. I didn't put a whole lot of thought into it because Beloved started digging into deeper stuff than I could manage at the time. It isn't "I value my family." It's something else...what is it about your family that you value? See? The headache is already starting in my temples.

If you recall the first half of the session, it was to consider how other people view you, and what is *expected* of you. Over the years, I have often ended up trying to fulfill other people’s expectations instead of my own. There is a double-edged blade, as Beloved has scolded me for just how high *my* expectations are...but, where do those come from? Why are they so high? What concepts, visions, expectations have I swallowed from society and tried to adapt to?

Every time you internalize someone else's description of you, you build a wall between you and your authentic self. That wall has bricks from who've been told to be, who you've been told you are, who you think you should be, and the different personas you have developed to handle certain situations and people.

Ouch. Let's cut close to the bone, shall we? My overly critical voice constantly begins with "I should..."

* I should be a super mom with a clean house, fresh cookies, and clever projects for the kids.
* I should love being a stay-at-home mom.
* I should be more involved with my family, friends, community.
* I should be thinner, eat healthier, and spend hours at the gym.
* I should be more generous with my time, money, energy.
* I should be more submissive or more masochistic to fit into the kink community.
* I should be less jealous, more trusting, more compassionate within my poly relationships.
* I should be thicker-skinned to criticism.
* I should spend more time on chores than blogging.

The list of what I should be and do goes on and on. The voice inside me whispers these doubts, and so I tune outside myself for reassurances. Yesterday's sexy post clearly demonstrates that I have lovers who enjoy my physical attributes. I get compliments on how the house is so welcoming. I have friends of all different lifestyles...vanilla, poly, kink, etc...who admire my personal conduct. I am grateful to all of these external voices, because they help me combat the negativity inside.

Where did that awful critic come from? I am not sure where it began, but my mom clearly saw *something* wrong when she had me go to a counselor in 4th grade. Of course, by the time I was 10 years old, there was already a lot going on in my life...a lot of circumstances and social pressures that aren't "normal".

I was the "healthy one" in my family (circumstance) and I did a lot of the care-taking (social pressure). I was teased (social pressure) for liking school and preferring books. I was raped (circumstance) and raised Catholic (social pressure galore!) so a lot of terrible twisted crap grew from that.

I suppose I could continue to self-analyze, but I think the point is there. I also wonder how much of my childhood was a case of "batten down the hatches and survive." It sounds ridiculous to me...in some ways, I am incredibly privileged...but at the same time, when I think back, life is what happened inbetween hospital visits for everyone else in my family, and nothing was entirely untainted from dire health issues.

This led to the development of my personas. I *had* to set aside my own desires because my childish disappointments simply didn't compare to the life-death issues at hand. I *had* to take on adult responsibilities because Mom was dying and Dad wasn't coping. I got very used to burying my feelings and being the nurse or parent or even god that was needed. I used to joke that I was the most successful multiple personality person you'd ever met because I even knew all of my names. Most people talk about wearing different hats, and maybe that's all it is. Still, I am not sure who my authentic self is anymore, and digging into all of this is very hard stuff.

Simply ask yourself what’s truly important to you. Think about those moments in your life when you felt completely whole and fulfilled. Think about the times when you’ve been the happiest. If nothing comes to you at first, don’t worry. Just keep thinking.

To be honest, my head is throbbing at this point. I don't WANT to keep thinking. Completely whole? Fulfilled? Happiest?

* Showing off my garden in the spring, when the new plants are coming up and everything is green and fresh and so utterly ALIVE, knowing that I created the garden from scratch with my bare hands.
* Finishing all of the prep-work for some event...a birthday party, a board meeting, a holiday celebration...and watching people partake without ever realizing how much work went into it because they simply don't have to think about it...every possible contingency has already been provided for.
* Losing hours wandering the nature, collecting plants, shells, fossils, stones, catching sight of a hawk or eagle or deer or the splash of a fish.
* Surprising someone by remembering a dropped comment about a preference or a wishful thought and then presenting them with the very solution to their desire, be it tea, towels, books.

*deep breaths* I am having all kinds of hesitations about blogging this...this is HARD. I'm tired, and I'm barely halfway through the exercises. I find myself wondering if I SHOULD share all of this. Naturally, it all can be used against me. I don't know who lurks here, who might use arrows poisoned with information I offer up. Maybe I should delete this, run away? But then I wonder if I would keep writing in a private notebook. Writing here...*shrug* I have a sense of motivation and obligation here. The occasional anonymous poke or encouraging comment keeps me at this...

So...I will post and come back to the work...and thank you. Reading this, you are helping me keep on this journey.

storms

My libido has been on the low side. Between heat and children, I simply haven't been in much of a mood for sex. Beloved has been on the other side of that, and there have been challenges there. I don't like saying NO so much...but NO, I just am not there. *sigh*

Thus, yesterday kind of took me by surprise. There was a violent storm that swept through in the morning, sucking out the humidity and dropping the temperature by about 20 degrees. I put in time for a workout and managed the afternoon's disappointments at the college...end result, I am NOT going to be starting a horticulture degree this fall. I am taking classes at the local college and we'll see where that leads. Beloved made plans for Shado to babysit so we could go out and see Dark Knight. All in all, it was a good day and my libido was creeping into fantasies I haven't been interested in for a loooooong time...

By 6 o'clock...trying to make dinner and having Girl whine and tantrum at me, I felt thwarted and frustrated. I teased Beloved about missing me by a mere hour, and he expressed wry humor. He excused me from dinner to bedtime, and I stole a shower and got ready for our movie date. We read books to the children and had them tucked into bed before Shado walked in. I felt a little flustered, but we left pretty much immediately.

I liked the movie. I had a hard time playing through the Colorado massacre, and I was not expecting the symapthetic surge for the traumatic victim of Bane. I loved Anne Hathaway's CatWoman! There was, perhaps, too much stuffed into the story, and there were points that made it very disjointed, but I'd recommend the movie.

It was midnight when we pulled into the back lot. Beloved asked if he should invite Shado to stick around. I was immediately flustered again. I answered negatively, but the nervous putzing gave me away. I sputtered through my afternoon thoughts, and Shado took my face in his hands and kissed me...

They led me upstairs and suggested a "simple" rub-out...I could plead off if I wanted to, no hard feelings...except that I *knew* there would a some very HARD feelings... I lay naked, face-down on the bed in a room flooded with candlelight. My lovers, still clothed, put their hands to work on my shoulders, my back, my ass, my legs, my feet. I was moaning and soft and tears welled up in my eyes.

I've been trying so hard to keep a distance, with both of them for different reasons. Bathed in their passion and love for me was overwhelming. I kept offering an apology, but I don't know if either of them understood. *half smile* I don't know that *I* understand wholly...but I'm aware of just how cut-off I've been. I was finally turned over and kissed by both, each taking a nipple and running their hands over my skin. Beloved squeezed between my legs and was tonguing my pussy while Shado was tonguing my mouth. I clung to both of them, whimpering and gasping where they grinned and chuckled. Soon, they shed their clothes, and my fingers stroked Shado into a full hard, his breath in shortened gasps.

I was feeling shy, unsure, and not able to choose between them. Beloved solved my problem by asking to watch, and soon Shado was settled on his back and I crawled between his legs, lightly running my tongue over his balls and cock. After so many months, I was surprised that I had no difficulty swallowing him, even keeping the pressure light and teasing. Beloved reached behind me and began fingering my pussy, making me groan and building a rhythm. Shado lasted long enough that I was sopping wet when he came deep in my mouth.

There was a quiet moment, and he kissed me. I lay back and my eyes sought Beloved's. He smiled and kissed me, surprising me. I stroked his softened cock a little and found him soon rampant. Rolling over, I took him in my mouth and almost immediately Shado was there, pounding my pussy with his fingers. Rougher, yes, but Beloved responded to the moans and cries I gave around his cock. I felt a new wetness between my legs, for once without the overwhelming guilt and horror that I associate with orgasm. Shado only relaxed his pace a moment, and I had Beloved deep in my throat, my nose buried in his trimmed hair. I gasped and suckled and moaned with his cock in my mouth, and the rhythm built up again. At once, it hurt and was incredible and felt more wetness... Somewhere in a corner of my mind, I wondered that the bedclothes weren't sodden. Beloved came as I did, and I greedily drew his essence before releasing him and collapsing beside him. Shado moved up beside me, and the three of us lay there, panting.

We might have stayed there longer if it weren't for the prickles on my skin. I begged up, and sat on the edge of the bed. My lovers were lavishing me with compliments and making me shy and blush. I retaliated by tickling them, and there was a minor wrestling match before I was pinned between them and threatened that maybe I wasn't done...but it was mostly tease...I think...

Although Shado dressed and I got into jammies, the men snickered about Shado being over again tonight...

Enough

Today is Girl's birthday! She's three years old. We have a big to-do planned. Naturally, I can't sleep. I worry that it isn't enough...that I haven't done enough.

I made the cake, stuffed the pinata, have bags by the door, ready to be hauled to the car...I did some laundry, answered some e-mail, read some, took a bath. I'm tired...but when I close my eyes, *something* pops into my head that absolutely HAS to be done NOW, and then the cycle starts over...

Beloved is out with Sunshine, so no one is here to keep me in bed or off the computer. *sigh* A blessing and a curse, I suppose.

I finally *started* the first audio assignment for The Joy Equation. *wry smile* Note I say started. Oh well, I knew at the start there would be some bubbling from working on this, right?

One of the things that Molly asks is that you reflect on how others see you, and then asks, "Are they right?"

The categories she includes for this exercise are:

Parents and Siblings	Childhood Friends
Bosses	Teachers
Close Friends	Significant Other

I got stuck pretty immediately on the parents and siblings. *sigh* I just...I don't know. Or maybe I don't want to accept, which is more likely. The selfish, fragile, arrogant, and immoral woman they see isn't who I thought they saw...last summer was brutal, and I have shied away from most of my blood relatives, which probably fuels their opinions more.

Childhood friends? In grammar school, I was the teacher's pet, the loner, the quiet one. I delved into my own imagination, and I sought adult company rather than playing with kids my own age. I developed a few friends in junior high and high school. I was the one who managed to hang out with the nerds, the geeks, AND the grunge without ever quite fitting in myself because I was always too much of the other groups. I had a few confessions from boys about their desires for me, but I was conveniently dating someone steady. I haven't maintained any of those friendships since graduating high school, though. My twentieth reunion is 2014, and I don't think I'll bother going.

Bosses and teachers generally report well of me...that I am responsible, timely, and dedicated to the tasks at hand. I suspect a few of my graduate teachers were a little challenged by my out-of-the-box ideas, but I was asked to teach a class a scant three months after graduating. Occasionally, I manage to knock their socks off, but mostly I present a competent and reliable resource with a can-do attitude.

Close friends...*curls toes* What DO you see? You continue to put up with me, so there must be something redeeming, but... But I am painfully aware of the faults my family has found with me, and I am just waiting for you to wise up and disown me. I feel like I'm always a step behind or I'm always needing help. Help with childcare, help with the house, help with my head. On OKC, I brag that "I'm a great con-artist! If you dare to friend me...or worse, date me!...I will drag you into projects you never in a million years thought you'd be helping with!" Maybe there is an element of hilarity, but in moments of doubt...like this one...I wonder what it is that keeps you coming back?

Beloved. Oh my love. From time to time throughout the last seventeen years I have tried to give you an out, and you insist and persist! You have slogged through my depressions and you have soared with me in successes. You have turned my life upside-down and would deliver my heart's desire in an instant, if only I would name it. We have had bitter fights over my half-empty outlook, but you talk about a talented resourceful person, an amazing lover, a loving, giving soul.

Somewhere beneath the depression and confusion, that is the person I want to be...the one Beloved talks about. I want to rediscover the magic and the joy. I remember playing on swings in parks late at night, or dressing up and going to local diners for matzah ball soup. I remember being braver...less self-conscious. When did I lose that? Was it when I stepped into motherhood? Was that when I "decided" I had to grow up and be miserable? I ache with loss and confusion.

On Friday, I met with my counselor-therapist, and we delved into what I wanted out of the work we were doing. Her focus is to work through childhood traumas and release things I buried long ago. My hope is that in doing so, I will silence...or at least quiet...the awful negative voice inside me that is always whispering, "...but..."

Back to the Joy Equation...Molly asked that I write down a commitment to myself. What is it that I am seeking out of the next 30 days of work (well, more, since I don't get to the project every day).

Write down what your commitment is for this course. What do you dedicate yourself to take away from this month? Why have you started this journey? What are you hoping to gain? Start your writing with "I commit to..."

*wry smile* I feel silly, frightened, and nihilistic. What I want seems so out of reach and so basic.

I commit to reclaiming what was mine. I started this because I am not happy where I am, and I am turning inside to change what I can. I dedicate myself to finding myself again, to finding my joy, my peace, my confidence, and my name. I want to be enough.

Sun, sun, go away...

The Midwest is being hit hard with drought and heat, and that has meant the kids and I have been hiding out at the pool, the library, and the family's been out to eat quite a bit this month. Anywhere there is AC.

There is a bit of a break in the weather today, though. Big storms last night and continued clouds today gave us a VERY comfortable high of 82F. If only it would last!

The other reason I haven't written in a week is that I'm working on the Joy Equation, but the next set of entries are based on listening to an audio file, and I haven't done that yet. *wry smile* I really wish there was a transcript and I could just read it. Oh well, I kinda get it.

I haven't been up to much other than hiding. Lots of swimming. Both Boy and Girl are doing really well. He's working on the front crawl and backstroke, she's nearly fearless in the water. Beloved and I have been catching a couple of boardgames in the evenings... *laughs* And holy hell has he been HORNY!!! Lots of sex, all rather vanilla, but still a major change up from the eight weeks after the ablation drought!

Mostly, though, things have been pretty good...pretty quiet. I wish I could add a regular nap to my day, but some things don't change. :P

Certain reoccurring conflicts?

Day 6 prompt:

What went well (no matter how large of small) in your day today? What didn't go so well?

Look back on your journaling from yesterday--can you find any of the same patterns in
your day between the things that went well and the things that didn't? Are there certain
conflicts in your life that are reoccurring? Is there anything you think you're missing in your current life?

Today, I was, for all practical purposes, on my own. Beloved got up with the kids, made an amazing breakfast for our friends, and I stepped out at about 10am to go to the Farmer's Market and the Louche Puce Market with HBY and SSQ. I got home about 11:30, just in time to give everyone hugs and see THEM out the door.

I spent the entire afternoon in silence, reading my book, doing laundry, and cleaning up my room. I am thrilled with where I got my room to! Everything is put away. I purged a little and have a bag for donations. I finished a re-read of a Mercedes Lackey book. I looked up class schedules and confirmed that I can talk to a program advisor on Monday. I took a bath. I did it all uninterrupted and in blissful silence.

Beloved came home with the kids at about 6:30pm and was utterly exhausted and in fact broke into tears himself. It was a stark reminder of how hard Wednesday has been for me.

*winces* Certain reoccurring conflicts? uh, yeah.

Beloved offered an observation that was a little chilling for me. The time of our relationship that we didn't want kids is much greater than the time of our relationship that we did want kids. I think that is the first time I have EVER heard him confess his frustrations so bluntly, and it hurt. I don't think that either Boy or Girl are particularly outrageous, but the normal abilities of a 5- and 3-year old to just run a body ragged are intense.

Things ARE changing. Kids grow up. Someday...maybe someday...we will actually miss this time. Being in the thick of it, though...it's real hard!

El Mundo Bueno

"...there is the Good Reality, or El Mundo Bueno, literally the Good World, and the Bad Reality, El Mundo Malo, and they were always vying with each other. In the Good Reality, you have a mild headache; in the Bad Reality, you have a fatal brain disease...We walk in the Good Reality as if we tread on the thin skin on warm milk. It is always possible to break through and drown."

"There is a hopeful side...Even in El Mundo Malo, the Good Reality is always just on the other side. If you can learn to reach and pull yourself through, you can make miracles."
~ StarHawk, Fifth Sacred Thing

Working through Day 5 of the Joy Equation, the prompt is:

What's the difference between the two memories you've written about the last two days? What was present in the first that was lacking in the second? What was prominent in the second that wasn't experienced in the first? What do these differences tell you about your preferences and comfort levels? Are you relying on others and outside forces to make you happy or sad? Any other insights?

*sigh* The prominent difference in my eyes is the kids' presence. It is damnably hard to love them and admit that I am not in love with motherhood. I managed to delve into this a little with my new counselor person on Friday.

In 2004, I was invited to work in emergent environmental policy in the US Senate in Barrack Obama's office. If I had followed that path, chances are I would be working in the US EPA today. When I fall into El Mundo Malo...my Bad Reality...the voice inside me reminds me THAT is what I gave up, and for what? To be stampeded whenever clean-up has to happen or it is time to leave? To be told every day how the kids hates me? To be reduced to nothing more than a housewife in suburbia?!

In El Mundo Bueno,I know it isn't fair to lay blame on any one decision, person, or exchange. I know that I have two awesome kids who tell me they love me (probably) as often as they tell me they hate me. I know that my experiences in politics were painfully slow and frustrating, and I find myself looking at the issues and not seeing much change for the eight years that have passed. I know that I have been amazingly lucky to have met people and explored lifestyle choices that probably wouldn't have ever happened if I wasn't a stay-at-home mom. The sting is still there, though.

My preference has never been for a life with children. I have children, however, and there is no simple change for that. I love them, for all that I yearn for something different, I DO love them. So...that preference is not a valid choice.

I do have some amazing changes on the horizon, though. Girl going to school in the fall means that I can look at my own classes. I am working on two different volunteer opportunities that will get me away from my domestic responsibilities and back into the world.

I have already, in one visit, gotten to a place with the new counselor where we can talk about building a positive, constructive internal locus of control. I am not there, but I am gathering tools and I am learning to pull through.

unhappy, frustrated or helpless

It's been a busy week, and I have fallen behind on my journaling. I suppose that just means that the "30 days" will be stretched out. *tired smile* It's kinda funny...today's prompt came with a little pep-talk. The subject line was "Is the Joy Equation stressing you out?"

Honestly? Yes, a little. I have two choices...quit, or pick it up where I left off. So, the prompt on Day 4 is:

Write about a specific experience in your life that made you feel unhappy, frustrated or helpless. Describe it in great detail: what did you feel, see, hear, smell, think, touch?

Wednesday, July 11th. It started out all right...The children and I went to the planetarium for the day. We actually looked at some of the exhibits before watching one of the sky shows, grabbed some food, and then played in the kids' section for about an hour. At 3 o'clock, we climbed back in the car to head to a park near my counselor's office...we were meeting Beloved so he could take over with the kids, I was going to an appointment, and then I was going to go to the RUAH center to volunteer for a few hours. It sounded like a great plan...

Traffic was awful, and the kids just kept picking at each other. I had to pull over to stop a fight, and I was getting a little hoarse from yelling over them. By the time I made it to the park, I was in tears and utterly exhausted. I had time to give Beloved a hug before rushing to my appointment. I washed my face before walking in, but there was just nothing good to say.

It started off badly...while still looking at her phone, the counselor asked, "How's it going?" Thirty minutes later, I'm still weepy and she's threatening to call an ambulance. I walked out, and I don't plan to EVER go back.

Those three hours...3pm-6pm...were absolute hell.

I hated the kids, I hated myself for hating the kids, I hated the counselor, I hated cell phones and text messages (oh, wow has that become a hot-button for me lately, not just in this instance!). I couldn't get past the moment and think of ANYTHING positive in my whole life. I most certainly wasn't about to go to a meditation center and try to volunteer! I got in my car and called and cancelled, feeling like a horrible person for the last minute thing. I sat for a moment, mentally running though where I might possibly run away to...

Instead I went home, got dinner on the table, and took a shower before Beloved arrived with the kids. I thought I had recovered pretty well and joined in for supper and bedtime routines. Unfortunately, Beloved chose to pick the afternoon apart and I quickly came unraveled. We went around for a few hours, each being very critical of the other.

Mostly, he hadn't realized that I already had sought out, followed up on, and gotten an appointment with someone new. I had that appointment on Friday, and it was radically different. He hadn't realized I had rescheduled my volunteer time instead of blowing it off. He expressed his frustration that I might have a "bad hour" that utterly destroys my entire life perspective. I accused him of always expecting me to fail...of wanting me to fail so he could rescue me. There was a lot I didn't feel he was giving me credit for.

Everything was still very tender when we finally went to sleep.

RUAH Joy

Write about a specific experience in your life that made you feel wonderful or joyous
or positively alive. Describe it in great detail: what did you feel, see, hear, smell, think, touch? Do you know why it made you feel so good?

Two weeks ago, I had a meetup. The group has to do with Byron Katie's work, and I have found The Work to be challenging in a good way. It wasn't the group that inspired the feelings, though. It was the place.

The center is a beautifully reclaimed space. I had the opportunity to speak with one of the directors about it a little. It was a foreclosure that was falling apart. Today, it is a respite of gardens, waterfalls, and a deep sense of spiritual peace. It is a physical manifestation of hope. They operate on donations and good will, and there is enough to keep the place improving. There are classes on meditation, reiki, and psychology. I felt so excited about the place, I couldn't wait to tell Beloved about it. The director says there is a space for volunteering, and I would like to do so...

But.

*sigh* It's been two weeks, and I haven't followed up. Why?

It is part of my own sabotage, I think. I have excuses, but the biggest is that I am scared of making a commitment, of dreaming a dream. So much of my present is stifled with not feeling well. I'm not sure exactly when it all started or how far back it goes. I want out, but I'm not sure which way to go.

The universe has one rule. that is to smile and say "Yes" to whatever you are thinking about. When you think about the things that make you happy, the universe smiles and says "Yes", and brings you more of what your focus is. When you think about the things that make you unhappy, the universe smiles and says "Yes", and brings you more of what your focus is. The universe loves you so much that it gives you this "free will" without judgement of how you use it.... ~Diane Klemz

I know this is true. I see it in myself, in others. I just...I am scared to break free again. Even with the Universe finally tossing me volunteer positions that I am pretty sure I would enjoy and grow into, I hesitate.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. ~ Marianne Williamson

I am going back to the center tonight for another meetup. Part of me wants to cringe, because I have done nothing to work towards getting involved. I want to scream at that voice. There are legitimate reasons, including being out of town and a doctor's appointment and antibiotics, that have gotten in the way. I am going tonight, and THAT can be another step. Tonight, I will ask for an actual date that I can come in and ask about what things need to be done.

Vision

Do you have a vision of success in your life, the story you tell yourself about your
most joyful, fulfilling future? What does it look like?

Reading this, I instantly freeze up. Once upon a time, I thought I knew the answer to this. I thought my goal was along a political path and that I was heading to the EPA. Now...I did work in the field and work in politics and my faith in the system is burnt. Many people have told me I should go back to that path, but I am not so sure about it anymore.

So, what replaces it?

I have talked about several ideas for what direction I might go. Right now, I can't find the post which detailed some of them, but of course that has changed many times in the last six years. Part of the problem is there are no clear choices. It's sort of a "If you could do ANYTHING...?" *sigh* Very scary.

What vision do I have NOW?

I have been enjoying my garden work. I have always wandered through people's gardens, even as a child. I have some knowledge about native species and am interested in wildcrafting. Walking though the woods, it's fun to point out the plants and trees that I do know, and I often impress the people I'm with.

Last night, in my spat with insomnia, I found a volunteer position that holds appeal:

To assist with the multi-faceted efforts of restoring, protecting and perpetuating native ecosystems consistent with the District’s natural areas management program. To share knowledge obtained with volunteers, staff and the public. Oversee the management of a local preserve site, working with the restoration staff to meet the goals listed in the annual management schedule. Schedule monthly workdays to help achieve those goals. Work with the Volunteer Coordinator to recruit volunteers for the site.

Local forest preserve. An opportunity to work in environmental spaces and toward improving the natural world for future generations. Sharing my knowledge about plants and leading workshops. Something I think I would find very fulfilling. For this particular position, I need to put in one to three years as an assistant, first. The assistant role asks for a 3 hour commitment weekly. I mentioned it to Beloved, and he says GO FOR IT!

I've also put in a contact to one of the local colleges about their horticulture degree. It's mid-summer, so that is slow going. I have hopes that I'll actually talk to the advisor sometime this week.

There's the beginning here. Not just words or ideas, but an actual program and job. Baby steps, but steps in the direction of a path.

Hiatus and Day One of the Joy Equation

A weekend away turned into a little bit more when the weather heated up. There is another heat watch today.

HBY showing off the thermometer readings

This is just the third time since records were kept that we've had three days in a row in the 100s. And we may hit the century mark again today. It's been bad enough that we broke down and put a window air conditioner unit in the kids room and have been camping on the floor. Rumor has it that we should break this afternoon, and the forecast puts us at 68F tonight.

Boy is out of camp this week and next, which has been a little trying. I was really hoping that an all-day camp with lots of sports and swimming would help, but it doesn't seem to have touched the negativity. It's not just me getting the unpleasant talk-back anymore, either, and Girl is starting to imitate him. I've picked up a book on raising boys to see if I can glean some wisdom there. It's so hard, though.

Perhaps the hardest part is I see so much of myself reflected in him. I'm suddenly cluing in on the feelings my mother might have had when she sent me to a counselor in fourth grade. Some of that I continue to struggle with today, and it is awful to think of Boy with my emotional imbalances. I wish to spare him that.

To that end, I have been delving into my own kinds of self-study. Reading and listening to materials from Byron Katie and Earl Nightingale. Talking to an advisor about a horticulture program. Talking to a therapist, although I am questioning if I am going to continue with her or if I should try someone else.

The theory is that if you do something every day for X number of days, you will form a new habit. It would be pretty cool if I could tackle my OWN negativity, so I thought I'd pick up a new journal challenge...this one about JOY. I landed on the Joy Equation page, and her enthusiasm for the work is such that she lets people set their own pricing. I figure a dollar a day...

The first prompt is:

Why am I investing in this course? What am I looking to get out of the next 30 days?
What specific feeling am I hoping to experience when I'm done?

At some level, I'm afraid that I have bought into the magic pill mythos. If I throw enough money at it, someone will just give me the answer. I am desperate enough to buy something like this. I'm not really happy about that answer. Maybe it's really that I have some small faith in doing this kind of work. I am looking to develop a new habit, to rekindle the joy and magic and sparkle that I once had. I want to work on my self-esteem and courage, and I am hopeful that this course, combined with other work I am doing, will help set me on a better path. When I am done with this course...by the end of the summer...I want to have a sense of hope.

Are you ready for the wild ride?