I am reading Kushiel's Dart by Jacqueline Carey. The main character is Phèdre no Delaunay, trained from a girl to be a spy and sexual servant. She also is an anguissette who will always find "pleasure in pain". The book has some incredibly intense scenes that leave me wistful and aching for the lash.
Beloved and I have avoided such scenes, though. The trouble is the physical pain scenes I have participated in don't lead me to a subspace catharsis. I can only think of two times that have I been able to transcend the pain and anger. Once was under duress, when I thought that I was beyond redemption and I welcomed the punishment.
I used to poke Sir about his fascinations, because he was the darkest person I knew. I begged him to tell me, to show me how far it went, and he never did. Mostly, I think I am grateful, because he is probably right about my squeamish limit. The hints he would drop would make my blood run cold and question what I doing looking at anything lifestyle. The last scene between us was in the basement and involve much more psychological mind-fuckery than anything actual pain...he drew me into a place that I had misjudged and willingly given myself to the worst possible, that he could finally pay me back for the betrayal years before...
There was just enough that his words alone drew me into shock. What was he capable of? What could I have taken in that place of hate and loathing? I broke in minutes, before anything HAPPENED. I have berated myself for the failing ever since.It was also the proof that while Sir might indeed cause pain, I didn't need to FEAR him anymore. A relief and disappointment that is unlikely to ever be tried again.
If that is what it takes to embrace...to flourish...in that space, I don't know if it is a healthy place for me. And yet...
Steel-Rose wrote The eyes of a Sadist "...my mind has gone dark with the thrill of it." Oh yes, I know how that feeling! I read the stories, the scenes, the intensity and I am filled with longing and fear.
What IS it that I crave?
Monday, October 22, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
No cohesive threads...
So I'm settling for some bullet points.
- My disappointment with my two favorite plants from the Arboretum was met by two different guys with the same solution: automation! Install automatic driplines and I wouldn't have to worry about the drought-hardiness of my interests. *laughs* While I appreciate the support and the "fix" for the "problem", I do not want to go that route. It defeats the naturalization and native goals. Let me sniff and scowl and move on to other fascinating options that will survive.
- I have a friend who I am aching for right now. Part of it is seeing some of my own frustrations, irritations, and challenges in her. Part of it is feeling like I orchestrated her move here and over the last six months, everything has unraveled and she is not happy. Part of it is feeling like I should have my shit together better so I could help more. *sigh* Yup...I want to rescue, and I can't and I'm sad for it.
- It is incredibly frustrating to try to capture an impromptu moment in words. Last night, Beloved and I went to a comedy club and I managed to play into a joke so perfectly that the comedian on stage cracked up! It was AWESOME!
- Beloved and I finally discovered a root for one of our major communication problems! It is based in our language patterns and our respective extrovert/introvert natures. I don't think it's an "easy" fix, but certainly being aware of what is happening is a positive first step.
- For the last two weeks, I have had a continuous acne outbreak. It's not OMG, but a couple of new pimples every other day or so... I don't know if it's stress or what. I don't think it's a change in diet or any other useful suspect.
- I am certainly stressed out about Boy's upcoming birthday! I had a great idea of making it a "Super Hero Training Party", but now I'm stuck with how that translates into a 6-year-old's fantasy. I have one week to make it happen. *forehead desk* WHY do I do this to myself???
Thursday, October 18, 2012
I won't give up
Sometimes the roar in my head can drown out the rest of the world. I crave silence with fierce abandon, and anyone who dares to disrupt risks being drawn into the emotional malstrom. I lash out, cut ties, and tear myself up.
There has been a lot of that in the last six months. It has been incredibly painful and agonizingly slow. Transitions often seem that way.
Just as the world was coming to an end,
the caterpillar became the butterfly.
More times than I can count, Beloved has waded through the brutal waves and reached me. He stubbornly refuses to let me drift away. He is sometimes able to give me an outside perspective and help me piece together what is REALLY going on.
Today, this song came on the radio. It was mid-way through the song, and the first lyrics I caught were "I won't give up on us." Tears were streaming down my face and I picked up my phone.
"Help please!"
"Hello my love! How can I help?"
"As usual, I don't know the name of the song, but the lyrics are "I won't give up on us." Can you please find it for me? I can hear you singing this to me..."
He found it and send the link along to me. I haven't gotten his reaction to the song at all, but listening to it again fills me with love and longing, courage and consternation.
I am so scared to let myself go, and yet I am so hopeful that I can find a way to calm the storms for good. This re-making of me is a good thing. I am so lucky to have so many friends who continue to brave the moments of insanity and always remind me I am loved.I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)
There has been a lot of that in the last six months. It has been incredibly painful and agonizingly slow. Transitions often seem that way.
the caterpillar became the butterfly.
More times than I can count, Beloved has waded through the brutal waves and reached me. He stubbornly refuses to let me drift away. He is sometimes able to give me an outside perspective and help me piece together what is REALLY going on.
Today, this song came on the radio. It was mid-way through the song, and the first lyrics I caught were "I won't give up on us." Tears were streaming down my face and I picked up my phone.
"Help please!"
"Hello my love! How can I help?"
"As usual, I don't know the name of the song, but the lyrics are "I won't give up on us." Can you please find it for me? I can hear you singing this to me..."
He found it and send the link along to me. I haven't gotten his reaction to the song at all, but listening to it again fills me with love and longing, courage and consternation.
I am so scared to let myself go, and yet I am so hopeful that I can find a way to calm the storms for good. This re-making of me is a good thing. I am so lucky to have so many friends who continue to brave the moments of insanity and always remind me I am loved.
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
Flora fantasies
Our fieldtrip got rained on, just as we were eating lunch. It was maybe 20 minutes of a pretty hard rain...enough to soak everyone before we reached the bus. Even though it passed, the temperature dropped as the storm pushed through, and it was decided that wet kids weren't going to manage well.
Of course, I was at the arboretum long enough to find two plants that I just loved!
The beautyberry (Callicarpa dichotoma) is the purple one in front, the Arkansas blue star (Amsonia hubrictii) is the yellow stuff in the background. Both were spectacular for fall foliage! Unfortunately, neither is a drought-tolerant as I need them to be. pooh. I guess I'll put them in my *someday* file...
Of course, I was at the arboretum long enough to find two plants that I just loved!
The beautyberry (Callicarpa dichotoma) is the purple one in front, the Arkansas blue star (Amsonia hubrictii) is the yellow stuff in the background. Both were spectacular for fall foliage! Unfortunately, neither is a drought-tolerant as I need them to be. pooh. I guess I'll put them in my *someday* file...
Sleep
My relationship with sleep is irksome at best. It always has been. As a little kid (3-7), I was a sleep-walker and freaked my mother out more than once. As an older kid (8-14), I would wake up and be up for hours. Living on the first floor, I figured out how to remove the screen from my window and slip out into the night. Apparently my parents had big fights about this, but never let on that they knew about it.
I wasn't the "normal" teenager through high school; I was up around 4am, got things ready for the kids going to school, got myself to school, did homework until it was time for Early Bird PE (it was awesome...fencing, archery, and ultimate frisbee instead of the usual crap that I was no good at). The flip side of that I napped through lunch and usually went to bed as soon as dinner was cleaned up.
College was a mishmosh of these patterns. I caught naps when I could, sometimes falling asleep so soundly in Beloved's room while the guys played video games that I didn't budge when someone didn't see me and sat on me! It happened more than once, apparently, and caused everyone to crack up. Once a month, I'd sleep through a 24-hour cycle, reset, and function for another month of 4-5 hours until I crashed again.
My professional career didn't align my sleep patterns, either. Fortunately, I was efficient in the work assigned. I actually got scolded for this and was told to slow down! HA! I didn't. Instead, I figured out that my desk was actually big/deep enough that I could crawl under it, pull the CPU tower in front of me, and snooze. I'd still take a day to catch up once in a while, though.
My pregnancy with Boy was hard, though. I'd moved on from that first job and found myself in a manager position with an abundance of work, and no amount of efficiency was going to garner me a break. Added to that was the HG and malnourishment, and THEN the very active nocturnal child... *smiles* I spent many nights in the bathtub, watching the movements inside of me.
Life with small kids meant being chronically deprived of sleep, making me edgy and borderline. The dysthymia translated that into major depression, and I got through a day at a time, while the world crumbled around me.
I'd like to say things are better now, but I don't know. Yesterday is a perfect example. I went to bed at 8:30pm and slept solidly until 8am. I got up, did the grocery shop, picked up Girl, got home, got the groceries HALF put-away, and found myself curling up in bed for another 3 hours! It wasn't a solid sleep because Girl would come in and talk about how we eat and it turns into poop or that she was going to make some tea and did I want some, but still...sheesh! Last night, again, I fell asleep while Beloved was talking to me (about 10:30pm) and had to drag myself out of bed come morning.
I feel a little useless for it. I look at all the things I *should* get done and wonder what is wrong with me. I don't have the hopeless feelings of depression, I'm just tired. Beloved has been gentle about this, saying I need to fulfill my needs before I can fulfill his. *sigh* I don't want to need such a stupid amount of sleep, though! I don't usually need THAT much sleep, but 8-10 hours nightly works best... There's so much I'd rather be doing!
Ah well...it is what it is. I need to be out the door in 15 minutes to meet the school fieldtrip at the Arboretum. Right now, it's overcast, but not raining. Hopefully, the rain will hold off until 2pm and it will be a wonderfully warm autumn day to be outside!
I wasn't the "normal" teenager through high school; I was up around 4am, got things ready for the kids going to school, got myself to school, did homework until it was time for Early Bird PE (it was awesome...fencing, archery, and ultimate frisbee instead of the usual crap that I was no good at). The flip side of that I napped through lunch and usually went to bed as soon as dinner was cleaned up.
College was a mishmosh of these patterns. I caught naps when I could, sometimes falling asleep so soundly in Beloved's room while the guys played video games that I didn't budge when someone didn't see me and sat on me! It happened more than once, apparently, and caused everyone to crack up. Once a month, I'd sleep through a 24-hour cycle, reset, and function for another month of 4-5 hours until I crashed again.
My professional career didn't align my sleep patterns, either. Fortunately, I was efficient in the work assigned. I actually got scolded for this and was told to slow down! HA! I didn't. Instead, I figured out that my desk was actually big/deep enough that I could crawl under it, pull the CPU tower in front of me, and snooze. I'd still take a day to catch up once in a while, though.
My pregnancy with Boy was hard, though. I'd moved on from that first job and found myself in a manager position with an abundance of work, and no amount of efficiency was going to garner me a break. Added to that was the HG and malnourishment, and THEN the very active nocturnal child... *smiles* I spent many nights in the bathtub, watching the movements inside of me.
Life with small kids meant being chronically deprived of sleep, making me edgy and borderline. The dysthymia translated that into major depression, and I got through a day at a time, while the world crumbled around me.
I'd like to say things are better now, but I don't know. Yesterday is a perfect example. I went to bed at 8:30pm and slept solidly until 8am. I got up, did the grocery shop, picked up Girl, got home, got the groceries HALF put-away, and found myself curling up in bed for another 3 hours! It wasn't a solid sleep because Girl would come in and talk about how we eat and it turns into poop or that she was going to make some tea and did I want some, but still...sheesh! Last night, again, I fell asleep while Beloved was talking to me (about 10:30pm) and had to drag myself out of bed come morning.
I feel a little useless for it. I look at all the things I *should* get done and wonder what is wrong with me. I don't have the hopeless feelings of depression, I'm just tired. Beloved has been gentle about this, saying I need to fulfill my needs before I can fulfill his. *sigh* I don't want to need such a stupid amount of sleep, though! I don't usually need THAT much sleep, but 8-10 hours nightly works best... There's so much I'd rather be doing!
Ah well...it is what it is. I need to be out the door in 15 minutes to meet the school fieldtrip at the Arboretum. Right now, it's overcast, but not raining. Hopefully, the rain will hold off until 2pm and it will be a wonderfully warm autumn day to be outside!
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Names
How hard it is to change an identity? Are we forever trapped by the original name?
My previous name was...IS...a part of me and my identity. One that I struggled with and tried to "put away" and finally found acceptance in. But in my head, I was defined by, legitimized, and inexorably tied to another. My mental identity was really of two-as-one, not two individuals.
That relationship is changing...shifting. We are both discovering a need to be independently known and to explore our own desires.
Exploring and bringing home new ideas and experiences to share has always been one of the aspects of our relationship that is a strength. We are poly, and we embrace the idea that one person cannot and should not be expected to fulfill all needs.
Still...I fell prey to green-eyed jealousy and felt replaced. I wish to shed that bitterness. I wish to rename and thus reclaim my individuality. I wish to feel compersion, to love without limits. I wish to be known as J'aime.
My previous name was...IS...a part of me and my identity. One that I struggled with and tried to "put away" and finally found acceptance in. But in my head, I was defined by, legitimized, and inexorably tied to another. My mental identity was really of two-as-one, not two individuals.
That relationship is changing...shifting. We are both discovering a need to be independently known and to explore our own desires.
Exploring and bringing home new ideas and experiences to share has always been one of the aspects of our relationship that is a strength. We are poly, and we embrace the idea that one person cannot and should not be expected to fulfill all needs.
Still...I fell prey to green-eyed jealousy and felt replaced. I wish to shed that bitterness. I wish to rename and thus reclaim my individuality. I wish to feel compersion, to love without limits. I wish to be known as J'aime.
Fine lines
Relationships aren't simple, and poly simply compounds all of the possibilities. And if I wasn't already complicated enough, I add in kink and D/s. It has become a source of heartache and confusion.
In the kink realm, I have always presented myself as Beloved's girl pixie. Because I am at home and have more downtime, I have formulated many friendships and connections as pixie, and Beloved is largely unknown. He is an enigma...someone I worship and am dedicated to, and thus held by others with respect and maybe a touch of awe. Beloved himself has explained it as, people know pixie, but when I am present, the reaction is "oooo, it's Saul," like I a some badass Dominant Master.
*smiles* I like that because it gives me a safety net. I am owned and protected and cherished. I am Beloved's.
But something happened. Sunshine entered the space. It started at Tryst, and I had a complete meltdown. I isolated and withdrew completely, unwilling and unable to share. Since then it has grown to the 800 ton gorilla in the room...at least in my own head, it is no longer Beloved and pixie...people recognize Sunshine and Saul because they are seen together in places that I have shown up solo. I feel replaced, and I ache inside.
Beloved and I have a hard talk about this on Monday, and I said some very hurtful things. I'm not sure that I didn't mean them, but I am also unwilling to say I demand action on them. I recognize that I am in a space of transition in many areas of my life. "Pixie" holds some bitterness that I'd like to shed. After eight years, perhaps "Pixie" has served her purpose.
I know that Beloved will always protect me and cherish me, that he will always have my back. I know I am safe and I know he honors my consistent desire to explore darker play. Yet I stumble on the fine line of needing to be safe while feeling unsafe. It twists me up and confuses me. What am I looking for?
*sigh* I don't know. So, for the moment, it is just me, wandering.
In the kink realm, I have always presented myself as Beloved's girl pixie. Because I am at home and have more downtime, I have formulated many friendships and connections as pixie, and Beloved is largely unknown. He is an enigma...someone I worship and am dedicated to, and thus held by others with respect and maybe a touch of awe. Beloved himself has explained it as, people know pixie, but when I am present, the reaction is "oooo, it's Saul," like I a some badass Dominant Master.
*smiles* I like that because it gives me a safety net. I am owned and protected and cherished. I am Beloved's.
But something happened. Sunshine entered the space. It started at Tryst, and I had a complete meltdown. I isolated and withdrew completely, unwilling and unable to share. Since then it has grown to the 800 ton gorilla in the room...at least in my own head, it is no longer Beloved and pixie...people recognize Sunshine and Saul because they are seen together in places that I have shown up solo. I feel replaced, and I ache inside.
Beloved and I have a hard talk about this on Monday, and I said some very hurtful things. I'm not sure that I didn't mean them, but I am also unwilling to say I demand action on them. I recognize that I am in a space of transition in many areas of my life. "Pixie" holds some bitterness that I'd like to shed. After eight years, perhaps "Pixie" has served her purpose.
I know that Beloved will always protect me and cherish me, that he will always have my back. I know I am safe and I know he honors my consistent desire to explore darker play. Yet I stumble on the fine line of needing to be safe while feeling unsafe. It twists me up and confuses me. What am I looking for?
*sigh* I don't know. So, for the moment, it is just me, wandering.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Perfect
Today has been pretty dang near perfect.
I set my birdsong alarm, since Beloved wasn't here. I heard the kids moving around, but they didn't come out until after 7am, and both were in good moods. They had some cereal and then played with an empty laundry basket while I made Pumpkin Oatmeal and a Spinach-Basil Quiche for the village breakfast. I grabbed a shower before everyone showed up.
SSQ made bacon and brought over-night batter for waffles that Beloved cooked up. Rude13, ShadoKnight, and Catch22 rounded out the table, along with the assorted children. We feasted and then cleaned up and EVERYONE cleared out.
I spent the next couple of hours in the yard. It's a beautiful fall day, temperatures in the upper 60s, sunny, deep blue sky. I spent time culling the overgrowth, deadheading, and weeding. There was enough to fill two yard bags, just from the front yard, and planted 100 more bulbs...all tulips and alliums. I have about 100 more to go in daffodils, snow-glowies, and more irises. I was excited to find some hidden blooms in the dense growth, so there is still some color out there. The mums are bursting into bloom, too.
Beloved dropped a text saying he, Rude13, and the kids were on the way back. I got chili warmed up and cornbread in the oven. I'm hungry and they are just walking in the door.
The kids will probably wander off to veg in front of the television, so the adults are going to squeeze in a game or two.
So...yeah...pretty dang near perfect.
I set my birdsong alarm, since Beloved wasn't here. I heard the kids moving around, but they didn't come out until after 7am, and both were in good moods. They had some cereal and then played with an empty laundry basket while I made Pumpkin Oatmeal and a Spinach-Basil Quiche for the village breakfast. I grabbed a shower before everyone showed up.
SSQ made bacon and brought over-night batter for waffles that Beloved cooked up. Rude13, ShadoKnight, and Catch22 rounded out the table, along with the assorted children. We feasted and then cleaned up and EVERYONE cleared out.
I spent the next couple of hours in the yard. It's a beautiful fall day, temperatures in the upper 60s, sunny, deep blue sky. I spent time culling the overgrowth, deadheading, and weeding. There was enough to fill two yard bags, just from the front yard, and planted 100 more bulbs...all tulips and alliums. I have about 100 more to go in daffodils, snow-glowies, and more irises. I was excited to find some hidden blooms in the dense growth, so there is still some color out there. The mums are bursting into bloom, too.
Beloved dropped a text saying he, Rude13, and the kids were on the way back. I got chili warmed up and cornbread in the oven. I'm hungry and they are just walking in the door.
The kids will probably wander off to veg in front of the television, so the adults are going to squeeze in a game or two.
So...yeah...pretty dang near perfect.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Just a thought
I got a text today from someone I admire. Nothing of major substance, just saying hello and checking in on me. It was very sweet and made me wriggle my toes and blush to be even a thought.
With turmoil in my blood family and in my poly family, I have been closing myself off from people. I don't want to be dragged through the mud and I really wish life had less curve balls to throw. I want to curve up in mother-arms and be rocked and held and loved and protected, like a little I suppose.
I expect that will become more of an issue as I start working into some of the childhood traumas. Even when I WAS a kid, I didn't have anyone to take comfort from and in fact took complicated steps to protect the adults from my problems. I don't have that sort of comfort anywhere right now; every physical exchange is tinged with sexual undertones which doesn't fulfill the ache inside. *half smile* I like having that effect and I encourage that effect...but...
I miss my mom. *sigh* Twenty-two years gone, and always near my thoughts. In The Good Master by Kate Seredy there is a story about how, as long as a person is remembered or something they created is appreciated, they will live on. This has stuck in my head for a long time and it usually brings a grin to my lips when I'm in the shower and praising the genius of indoor plumbing and hot water. Other mythos hold that each life is a one possibility of billions that God considers. This too is an interesting concept to turn over in my mind.
While I hardly believe anyone really thinks of me in such innocent terms, I like feeling safe and protected. Today, a deity thought of me, and I was wrapped in the glow. Such is the comfort of being "just a thought."
With turmoil in my blood family and in my poly family, I have been closing myself off from people. I don't want to be dragged through the mud and I really wish life had less curve balls to throw. I want to curve up in mother-arms and be rocked and held and loved and protected, like a little I suppose.
I expect that will become more of an issue as I start working into some of the childhood traumas. Even when I WAS a kid, I didn't have anyone to take comfort from and in fact took complicated steps to protect the adults from my problems. I don't have that sort of comfort anywhere right now; every physical exchange is tinged with sexual undertones which doesn't fulfill the ache inside. *half smile* I like having that effect and I encourage that effect...but...
I miss my mom. *sigh* Twenty-two years gone, and always near my thoughts. In The Good Master by Kate Seredy there is a story about how, as long as a person is remembered or something they created is appreciated, they will live on. This has stuck in my head for a long time and it usually brings a grin to my lips when I'm in the shower and praising the genius of indoor plumbing and hot water. Other mythos hold that each life is a one possibility of billions that God considers. This too is an interesting concept to turn over in my mind.
While I hardly believe anyone really thinks of me in such innocent terms, I like feeling safe and protected. Today, a deity thought of me, and I was wrapped in the glow. Such is the comfort of being "just a thought."
Monday, October 1, 2012
It is autumn...
Indeed it is the season of change. First the news with my sister, then Girl starting school, and now my aunt and uncle have (finally) sold her home and is leaving the state.
There is some trepidation with Mimi and Zaddie leaving. She had been a lynchpin for the blood family, always there in crisis. Zaddie was instrumental in Beloved's home improvements and he custom-made most of the woodwork in my bedroom. I most certainly do not begrudge them the retirement from the drama, but...but...Mimi and Zaddie ware leaving! *wails*
I haven't done diddle squat on my homework assignments for therapy. I suppose tonight is my deadline. *sigh* I don't know why exactly this fills me with dread, but it does. It is perhaps a lack of momentum; I need change, but staying "put" is easy. Still...I don't want to be in this space for the rest of my life. "Just do it" as Nike says, right?
It is autumn, after all.
There is some trepidation with Mimi and Zaddie leaving. She had been a lynchpin for the blood family, always there in crisis. Zaddie was instrumental in Beloved's home improvements and he custom-made most of the woodwork in my bedroom. I most certainly do not begrudge them the retirement from the drama, but...but...Mimi and Zaddie ware leaving! *wails*
I haven't done diddle squat on my homework assignments for therapy. I suppose tonight is my deadline. *sigh* I don't know why exactly this fills me with dread, but it does. It is perhaps a lack of momentum; I need change, but staying "put" is easy. Still...I don't want to be in this space for the rest of my life. "Just do it" as Nike says, right?
It is autumn, after all.
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