I've mentioned that I picked up the gym again. Signing up for a year-long package deal seemed a bit impulsive and ambitious, but maybe that was the right decision. For the first time, I have managed to break through the standard plateau!
See, just about any time I start a routine, I lose a pound or two, and then promptly begin building muscle mass, which causes the numbers on the scale to go up. After two weeks, I have some goals, but the month of paid trainer assistance runs out. I manage to make it a couple more times, but the numbers keep going UP. Five weeks after starting and only seeing HIGHER numbers, I get bummed out and quit.
This time around, I have made it, on average, 3X a week since Thanksgiving. Through the holidays, I have LOST 10 pounds and 14% body fat! I'm starting to see changes that Beloved has been enjoying. I've even picked up the pace a little: I have gone four times this week, and am contemplating a fifth.
Part of the motivation is that Beloved signed up for the Midwest Spartan Race. I haven't made the plunge, but I'm thinking about it. It scares the dickens out of me! Ironically, I don't know which is scarier: I fail and drop out, or I succeed and finish.
My personal trainer, "Brutal Billy" is all for it. He's confident we can add on to the current workouts to help me train. The Spartan site actually sends out Workouts Of the Day (WOD). Yesterday's WOD was:
Main Set:
Run 2-4 miles at 3mph.
2 minute plank
2 minute side plank (each side)
2 minute plank
I could only hold the plank for 1 minute each time, and my side plank for 30 seconds. Still...I could do it. Sweating through it at the gym last night, I was actually excited. If I could do half of the workout at my present, I might have a prayer of finishing the race in 5 months. Maybe I should sign up!
Then I got the WOD today and it is just TOUGH.
Clean and squat a log or sandbag (4-6 reps) -- should be heavy -- Maxed out by 6th rep
Recover, Repeat
Push press log or sandbag over head (4-6 reps) -- should be heavy -- Maxed out by 6th rep
Recover, Repeat
20 Full sit-ups holding log or sandbag over chest
Recover, Repeat
20 ballslams, 20 burpees
Recover, Repeat
Recovery time may be 2-3 minutes before you start your second set. The key is to build strength; so make sure you are ready to go all out for your second set.
GAH! I don't know if I can do even a quarter of that set! In point of fact, I'm scared to try. The last time I did burpees, my knee couldn't take it and I missed four days. I am struggling with doubts. I don't feel up to an intense workout three days in a row, and five times this week. That's okay, right?
Friday, February 1, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
The Importance of Being Earnest
"[I]t is very painful for me to be forced to speak the truth. It is the first time in my life that I have ever been reduced to such a painful position, and I am really quite inexperienced in doing anything of the kind." ~ Jack, in The Importance of Being Earnest
The play is something of a comedy wherein the main characters adopt fictitious personae in order to escape burdensome social obligations. In the end of the play, identities are uncovered and the protagonist exclaims an understanding of being himself (Earnest Moncrieff).
In many of the lifestyle circles, there is talk of being transparent, of being honest within the D/s or BDSM or even with yourself. It is not always comfortable. Polite little lies we tell ourselves and others "protect" us from the truth.
I have tried to be bluntly honest here, in some cases here because I cannot bear the painful position of speaking aloud. The topic rolling around in my head is coping with death, specifically in relationship to my astranged sister.
The call came in yesterday that her pacemaker has failed, that she has a weak pulse. That's all the information the company could offer. My sister B and I had talked back in October about the situation, and this really doesn't change anything; we are all waiting for her to die. The fact that the pacemaker has failed is merely withdrawing "life support", which may progress things but the body is an amazing machine and can continue to function for a long time.
B and I talked a little, and she revealed that she had found a contact for the people our sister is staying with. The question was whether to call or not.
On my own, I decided that chasing the rumor mill was useless. I called my astranged sister directly and left a message. I didn't expect she would call back, but she did.
We talked for 40 minutes, mostly about inconsequential but there were some very important things that we were at last able to say to each other. She is at peace with where she is, and her "body keeps waking up every day, so I might as well do something" but when the day comes that she doesn't wake up, it will be a release. I can accept that...from the moment we're born, we start to die. Most of us don't have to face that fact head on, but she has. I grok her exhaustion with the ceaseless fight.
We were able to tell each other that in our own ways, we have tried, desperately tried!, to protect the other. The intent was true, but the results far from perfect. Acknowledging that and accepting that has lightened my heart.
I told her about the forgiveness quote from Oprah, and she paused. "That is something to chew on, isn't it?" she said. Yeah, it really is.
We were able to give each other blessing and well-wishes, and we were able to talk, even laugh, without the anger that has been a background for so many years. In her death, we have been able to realize the importance of being ourselves and not thrusting "burdensome social obligations" on each other. When I hung up, I believe it was my final good-bye; I will not speak with her again in this life.
I have asked for gentle thoughts from my friends, and so many responded instantly. I am grateful that I have so many friends, grateful for the comfort and shared thoughts. There is a sadness, but it is not the soul-wrenching unforgiven pain it was. I am well.
The play is something of a comedy wherein the main characters adopt fictitious personae in order to escape burdensome social obligations. In the end of the play, identities are uncovered and the protagonist exclaims an understanding of being himself (Earnest Moncrieff).
In many of the lifestyle circles, there is talk of being transparent, of being honest within the D/s or BDSM or even with yourself. It is not always comfortable. Polite little lies we tell ourselves and others "protect" us from the truth.
I have tried to be bluntly honest here, in some cases here because I cannot bear the painful position of speaking aloud. The topic rolling around in my head is coping with death, specifically in relationship to my astranged sister.
The call came in yesterday that her pacemaker has failed, that she has a weak pulse. That's all the information the company could offer. My sister B and I had talked back in October about the situation, and this really doesn't change anything; we are all waiting for her to die. The fact that the pacemaker has failed is merely withdrawing "life support", which may progress things but the body is an amazing machine and can continue to function for a long time.
B and I talked a little, and she revealed that she had found a contact for the people our sister is staying with. The question was whether to call or not.
On my own, I decided that chasing the rumor mill was useless. I called my astranged sister directly and left a message. I didn't expect she would call back, but she did.
We talked for 40 minutes, mostly about inconsequential but there were some very important things that we were at last able to say to each other. She is at peace with where she is, and her "body keeps waking up every day, so I might as well do something" but when the day comes that she doesn't wake up, it will be a release. I can accept that...from the moment we're born, we start to die. Most of us don't have to face that fact head on, but she has. I grok her exhaustion with the ceaseless fight.
We were able to tell each other that in our own ways, we have tried, desperately tried!, to protect the other. The intent was true, but the results far from perfect. Acknowledging that and accepting that has lightened my heart.
I told her about the forgiveness quote from Oprah, and she paused. "That is something to chew on, isn't it?" she said. Yeah, it really is.
We were able to give each other blessing and well-wishes, and we were able to talk, even laugh, without the anger that has been a background for so many years. In her death, we have been able to realize the importance of being ourselves and not thrusting "burdensome social obligations" on each other. When I hung up, I believe it was my final good-bye; I will not speak with her again in this life.
I have asked for gentle thoughts from my friends, and so many responded instantly. I am grateful that I have so many friends, grateful for the comfort and shared thoughts. There is a sadness, but it is not the soul-wrenching unforgiven pain it was. I am well.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Self-Denial
I have a major character flaw, and I am extremely good at exploiting it. *sigh* Sitting in a quiet house, alone other than the sleeping kids, I find myself wistfully thinking of curling up with someone to watch a movie.
Of course, this is something Beloved would be more than happy to do with me, but when he is around, this is not the activity I am interested in. No, I have to wait until he is unavailable to crave this.
Or sex in the middle of the day, when most people are at work and there is a commute involved? That's always when I am the hottest!
Or a dog? I've been so happy with my cats for years, but seeing Boy playing with my aunt's dog made me miss my mutt. The problem is there are three cats in the house as well as rather severe allergies to dogs. Still, I go wandering the websites for rescued dogs, daydreaming.
Or a million other silly things that I *could* have. I come up with lame excuses not to indulge in some activity or some item or somebody. I choose to deny myself until they simply are not available.
The problem is that all these little denials build up, snowball, and become horrible resentment, frustration, anger. I lash out because no one is reading my mind and giving me what I wish...what I SHOULD...give myself.
It's ugly. I don't know how to break the habit.
Of course, this is something Beloved would be more than happy to do with me, but when he is around, this is not the activity I am interested in. No, I have to wait until he is unavailable to crave this.
Or sex in the middle of the day, when most people are at work and there is a commute involved? That's always when I am the hottest!
Or a dog? I've been so happy with my cats for years, but seeing Boy playing with my aunt's dog made me miss my mutt. The problem is there are three cats in the house as well as rather severe allergies to dogs. Still, I go wandering the websites for rescued dogs, daydreaming.
The problem is that all these little denials build up, snowball, and become horrible resentment, frustration, anger. I lash out because no one is reading my mind and giving me what I wish...what I SHOULD...give myself.
It's ugly. I don't know how to break the habit.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Forgiveness
Last week was tough. Really, emotionally hard, with lots of tears and arguing and misunderstanding and coming together and being dashed apart only to reconnect again... I really don't want to air all of the details, though. There is a bigger issue I need to work on.
Beloved sent me a link for "The 30 Before 30 Project" by Celine. His reasons for being interested in the blog are vastly different than the post that caught my eye. He is excited about the activities, especially the aerial silks. His excitement fills me with a wistful ache that I don't understand, which is one of the sources of our missing understanding.
It is Celine's #30 post about forgiveness that I am reflecting on. There is a lot that I really identify with.
I could have written that...maybe I have written that using different words. And like Celine, I have had "forgiveness" on To-Do list for a long time. But "Forcing myself to forgive someone who hurt me in unfathomable ways made very little sense to me. That sort of forgiveness happens in its own time and cannot be given a deadline."
So...what is to be done? Wait and occasionally reflect on the heartbreaks and ask myself if I have forgiven the trespasses? That hasn't worked so far.
Reading through her post, there is a quote that offers a new perspective.
"Forgiveness is about giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” ~ Oprah Winfrey
I have long-lived by Edmond Burke's "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." But perhaps Burke had it wrong? Those who cannot forget the past are condemned to live with the mistakes forever.
Perhaps I do not need to forgive the hurt and heartache. Instead, I need to accept that the events happened, that the way things fell is the way things fell. Face it, the past DOESN'T change.
So...what does that mean? I need to accept my hurts and own my feelings as mine rather than something someone inflicted on me. I have to let go of the negative expectations and stop blaming myself as much as I blame others. I need to do my part, my best...no more, no less. Not in the past, but in every moment moving forward.
Beloved sent me a link for "The 30 Before 30 Project" by Celine. His reasons for being interested in the blog are vastly different than the post that caught my eye. He is excited about the activities, especially the aerial silks. His excitement fills me with a wistful ache that I don't understand, which is one of the sources of our missing understanding.
It is Celine's #30 post about forgiveness that I am reflecting on. There is a lot that I really identify with.
I wrote the word "Forgive" in the final spot on my list, it was born out of a wish to go back to the person that I used to be: someone who held no grudges and no ill feelings towards anyone...When I was writing my list, I thought that I needed to find my way back to being the person that I was before my life went into a tailspin in order to be happy again...I spent a lot of time being very angry at myself for failing to protect myself. I've never had my own back...I couldn't let go... Did I need to forgive the people who betrayed me? Did I need to forgive myself for not being more careful with who I allowed close enough to cause me real damage?
...I still recall those first few days of heartbreak, when I would be doubled over in bed wracked with tears at the life that had fallen apart around me. I would have given anything then for things to go back to the way they were...
I could have written that...maybe I have written that using different words. And like Celine, I have had "forgiveness" on To-Do list for a long time. But "Forcing myself to forgive someone who hurt me in unfathomable ways made very little sense to me. That sort of forgiveness happens in its own time and cannot be given a deadline."
So...what is to be done? Wait and occasionally reflect on the heartbreaks and ask myself if I have forgiven the trespasses? That hasn't worked so far.
Reading through her post, there is a quote that offers a new perspective.
"Forgiveness is about giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.” ~ Oprah Winfrey
I have long-lived by Edmond Burke's "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." But perhaps Burke had it wrong? Those who cannot forget the past are condemned to live with the mistakes forever.
Perhaps I do not need to forgive the hurt and heartache. Instead, I need to accept that the events happened, that the way things fell is the way things fell. Face it, the past DOESN'T change.
So...what does that mean? I need to accept my hurts and own my feelings as mine rather than something someone inflicted on me. I have to let go of the negative expectations and stop blaming myself as much as I blame others. I need to do my part, my best...no more, no less. Not in the past, but in every moment moving forward.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
30 Days - drifting
Returning to the Thirty Days of Truth, there is a little bit of irony/amusement with the answer for this next challenge.
Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
My youngest sister is the one that I think this applies to best. There have been some bitter feelings that developed, but the separation came first. We used to have a pretty good rapport and went on adventures. I helped her with belly dance costumes and dragged people to her shows. We used to laugh together.
Then I had kids, and I fell off the map. It was just so hard to make the hour trip into the city with a newborn, and even at holiday functions I was very focused on the Boy. There was some resentment that started there, I think...at least in my memory, that is where I started to feel it.
She made the trip a few times, and then she had a child and we pretty much got lost in our own little worlds. Where my kids were finally able to entertain themselves and I could help with holidays, she found herself occupied with baby-duties. We didn't get together hardly at all outside of holidays when there were lots of people anyway.
The summer of 2011 was the finally breakdown, I think. She became very judgmental of my poly-lifestyle choices. Granted, Beloved and I overstepped our common rules about privacy, but the results are a schism in my family that I am painfully aware of. My dad has expressed a desire to reconnect, but I feel very guarded. While I have been less evasive about poly-choices (I told him that Beloved and Sunshine took the kids for two days and gave me a vacation-at-home), I am emotionally waiting for him to drift out of my life the way my sister has...
Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
My youngest sister is the one that I think this applies to best. There have been some bitter feelings that developed, but the separation came first. We used to have a pretty good rapport and went on adventures. I helped her with belly dance costumes and dragged people to her shows. We used to laugh together.
Then I had kids, and I fell off the map. It was just so hard to make the hour trip into the city with a newborn, and even at holiday functions I was very focused on the Boy. There was some resentment that started there, I think...at least in my memory, that is where I started to feel it.
She made the trip a few times, and then she had a child and we pretty much got lost in our own little worlds. Where my kids were finally able to entertain themselves and I could help with holidays, she found herself occupied with baby-duties. We didn't get together hardly at all outside of holidays when there were lots of people anyway.
The summer of 2011 was the finally breakdown, I think. She became very judgmental of my poly-lifestyle choices. Granted, Beloved and I overstepped our common rules about privacy, but the results are a schism in my family that I am painfully aware of. My dad has expressed a desire to reconnect, but I feel very guarded. While I have been less evasive about poly-choices (I told him that Beloved and Sunshine took the kids for two days and gave me a vacation-at-home), I am emotionally waiting for him to drift out of my life the way my sister has...
Friday, January 4, 2013
Happy New Year Everyone!
Well, it hadn't been my intent to end 2012 on such a ruckus, hell-ish note, but that's what happened. Things got busy with holidays and kids and poly and chaos and I didn't blog a pixel. Oh well. Things went pretty well over all for the Yule-Christmas-New Year's trio. Over the course of the two weeks, a total of nine different people over-nighted at our house. I am so grateful that we have the ability to offer that, for all the help I get in preparing and tearing down from that, for the community of friends and family who take advantage of that. It really is awesome!
Since I haven't finished the last multi-day challenge, I'm going to throw this in a single post.
New Year Challenge
1. Five things you have accomplished in 2012.
* Changed the LAST DIAPER of my own children!
* Committed to a year-long fitness program (and I even actually like it)
* Found a counselor I am comfortable talking to and have made some progress
* Purchased a GOOD bed.
* Made it through the holidays and have kept the weight off!
2. Four things you regret about 2012.
* The necessity I saw for ending several of my poly-relationships.
* Not getting to the cabin one more time.
* Giving up on some volunteer opportunities.
* Molehills that have become mountains in several different places.
3. Three people who you are glad to have met or become closer to in 2012.
* HBY-n-SSQ - yes, they are a couple so maybe that's cheating, but I am very glad that we have gotten to know them better this year. From support to resources to advice to cooperative goals, they are truly fantastic people to have in my life!
* Katie - In reality, knowing her will probably make me personally more uncomfortable, but I am grateful to finally have met her.
* A handful of people from OKC - not because there is a relationship or even extended friendship there, but because there is a thrill in meeting new people and sharing the craziness of my tribe. *chuckles* We might have scared Rick off though...poor vegan man came to breakfast here, and we couldn't give up our bacon!
4. Two memorable moments from 2012.
* Sharing a peak at houses for sale near Nashville, IN with Beloved. The view was very similar to that from SJW, and there was a sense of closeness in wandering the properties and dreaming of a different life.
* This was the first year Boy really had an understanding about Santa and Christmas. He left out cookies for Santa and asked us to put out some carrots for the reindeer. He snuck downstairs, and I could hear his excited whisper up the stairs: "He came! He really came!"
5. One wish for 2013 a Happy New Year for Everyone!
* It seems to me that so many people are ending 2012 with aching and confused hearts. Separations, divorces, endings have been a theme this year. My one wish for 2013 is that we all rediscover deep joy and love in our lives.
Since I haven't finished the last multi-day challenge, I'm going to throw this in a single post.
New Year Challenge
1. Five things you have accomplished in 2012.
* Changed the LAST DIAPER of my own children!
* Committed to a year-long fitness program (and I even actually like it)
* Found a counselor I am comfortable talking to and have made some progress
* Purchased a GOOD bed.
* Made it through the holidays and have kept the weight off!
2. Four things you regret about 2012.
* The necessity I saw for ending several of my poly-relationships.
* Not getting to the cabin one more time.
* Giving up on some volunteer opportunities.
* Molehills that have become mountains in several different places.
3. Three people who you are glad to have met or become closer to in 2012.
* HBY-n-SSQ - yes, they are a couple so maybe that's cheating, but I am very glad that we have gotten to know them better this year. From support to resources to advice to cooperative goals, they are truly fantastic people to have in my life!
* Katie - In reality, knowing her will probably make me personally more uncomfortable, but I am grateful to finally have met her.
* A handful of people from OKC - not because there is a relationship or even extended friendship there, but because there is a thrill in meeting new people and sharing the craziness of my tribe. *chuckles* We might have scared Rick off though...poor vegan man came to breakfast here, and we couldn't give up our bacon!
4. Two memorable moments from 2012.
* Sharing a peak at houses for sale near Nashville, IN with Beloved. The view was very similar to that from SJW, and there was a sense of closeness in wandering the properties and dreaming of a different life.
* This was the first year Boy really had an understanding about Santa and Christmas. He left out cookies for Santa and asked us to put out some carrots for the reindeer. He snuck downstairs, and I could hear his excited whisper up the stairs: "He came! He really came!"
5. One wish for 2013 a Happy New Year for Everyone!
* It seems to me that so many people are ending 2012 with aching and confused hearts. Separations, divorces, endings have been a theme this year. My one wish for 2013 is that we all rediscover deep joy and love in our lives.
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