“I am your servant. I shall not be free. You will protect me; you will keep me safe; you will guard me. You will keep me sound; you will protect me from every demon.”
~Ancient Egyptian woman’s slave contract
I wonder what an ancient Egyptian slave would think of us modern slaves...and vice versa.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Becoming REAL
"What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
~ The Velveteen Rabbit, Margery Williams
Last night we went to the library. Boy got bored with the books rather quickly, so Beloved took him outside while I found a few things. I was looking through the children's CDs and came across a reading of the Velveteen Rabbit. I loved the story as a child...I kept hoping I could give the gift of REAL to my toys.
Now, I'm wondering about an entirely different meaning of the story...as it applies to slaves. Masters strip us of the makeup and clothes, remove the smugness and pride, drive us to tears that wash everything else away until the REAL is all that is left. Slaves are the lucky ones.
Thank you Beloved, for REALLY loving me.
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
~ The Velveteen Rabbit, Margery Williams
Last night we went to the library. Boy got bored with the books rather quickly, so Beloved took him outside while I found a few things. I was looking through the children's CDs and came across a reading of the Velveteen Rabbit. I loved the story as a child...I kept hoping I could give the gift of REAL to my toys.
Now, I'm wondering about an entirely different meaning of the story...as it applies to slaves. Masters strip us of the makeup and clothes, remove the smugness and pride, drive us to tears that wash everything else away until the REAL is all that is left. Slaves are the lucky ones.
Thank you Beloved, for REALLY loving me.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Service and rewards
Beloved loves games.
It really doesn't matter what kind of game it is...cards, boards, video, tabletop, LARP...all games have a place in our house. One game in particular, Diplomacy, required seven steadfast players and a whole day of gameplay. Unlike most war-based board games, Diplomacy has no element of chance. The entire game is based on negotiation: Players spend 15 minutes per round forming (and betraying) alliances with other players.
On Sunday, Beloved hosted a Diplomacy game. There were twelve people in attendance (seven players, two alternates, two slaves, and one wife). Although silvara and I were not OBVIOUS slaves, we were definitely in service for the group, and I am extremely grateful for her help and company. While the men played, the rest of us had interesting discussions, ranging from politics to meditation (Beloved's retreat is still very much a topic of interest) to food to weather to childrearing to the sanctity of marriage and the impacts of the feminist movement. Perhaps the latter was the most interesting, since silvara and I had our submissive relationships in mind as we answered...
At one point in the game, Beloved asked if "you girls would cook up some burgers" and I jumped to comply. One of the other players expressed great surprise..."That wouldn't have been MY wife's response..." I had to suppress my laugh.
Keeping Boy occupied was reasonably okay with the other non-players. silvara and I ended up taking him out for a long walk (we only went around the block, but with a 20-month old, that took nearly an hour!).
The game ran for about eight hours. By the end, I was very ready to have some personal quiet "just me" time, but Beloved invited the guys to play some video games. At first, Boy was content to sit with DaDa...but then he wanted the controller. After being given a non-working one, Boy decided he'd had enough of no attention and began to be a nuisance by turning off the television or Xbox. That got the guys angry. I know I was feeling my own exasperation at being forced back into service, but what else could be done?
I grabbed Boy, a serving tray we needed to return, and the stroller, and headed to the park. It was already dusk and the mosquitoes were out, so we walked pretty briskly. When we reached our neighbors' house to return the tray, they decided to join us at the park and then walked us home because it was dark...
It was 9:30...long after Boy's bedtime! Everyone had left and Beloved expressed a bit of worry that we'd disappeared. I bit back a tart reply and set about getting Boy to bed. Returning downstairs, Beloved had finished picking up from the day and pulled me into a warm hug, thanking me for all I'd done during the day. I brushed it off politely...it was what I was expected to do...it was my pleasure to serve...but Beloved shook his head.
I followed him upstairs where I lotioned his feet and climbed into bed next to him. Again, he told me what a wonderful job I'd done all weekend, and that I deserved a treat. Maybe that new collar...
I am stunned. I didn't know how to respond at the idea, but the more I thought about it, the more I'm uncomfortable with such a reward. There are so many other things that need to be purchased for the house and spending $200 on a collar, no matter how beautiful, just makes me feel a little sick to my stomach. Beloved says that I am getting as bad as him about denying myself because there are "more pressing" purchases that could be made...
Does anyone else have difficulty accepting finery or other expensive gifts as a reward for being a good slave? Do you and your Dom have a system for such things?
It really doesn't matter what kind of game it is...cards, boards, video, tabletop, LARP...all games have a place in our house. One game in particular, Diplomacy, required seven steadfast players and a whole day of gameplay. Unlike most war-based board games, Diplomacy has no element of chance. The entire game is based on negotiation: Players spend 15 minutes per round forming (and betraying) alliances with other players.
On Sunday, Beloved hosted a Diplomacy game. There were twelve people in attendance (seven players, two alternates, two slaves, and one wife). Although silvara and I were not OBVIOUS slaves, we were definitely in service for the group, and I am extremely grateful for her help and company. While the men played, the rest of us had interesting discussions, ranging from politics to meditation (Beloved's retreat is still very much a topic of interest) to food to weather to childrearing to the sanctity of marriage and the impacts of the feminist movement. Perhaps the latter was the most interesting, since silvara and I had our submissive relationships in mind as we answered...
At one point in the game, Beloved asked if "you girls would cook up some burgers" and I jumped to comply. One of the other players expressed great surprise..."That wouldn't have been MY wife's response..." I had to suppress my laugh.
Keeping Boy occupied was reasonably okay with the other non-players. silvara and I ended up taking him out for a long walk (we only went around the block, but with a 20-month old, that took nearly an hour!).
The game ran for about eight hours. By the end, I was very ready to have some personal quiet "just me" time, but Beloved invited the guys to play some video games. At first, Boy was content to sit with DaDa...but then he wanted the controller. After being given a non-working one, Boy decided he'd had enough of no attention and began to be a nuisance by turning off the television or Xbox. That got the guys angry. I know I was feeling my own exasperation at being forced back into service, but what else could be done?
I grabbed Boy, a serving tray we needed to return, and the stroller, and headed to the park. It was already dusk and the mosquitoes were out, so we walked pretty briskly. When we reached our neighbors' house to return the tray, they decided to join us at the park and then walked us home because it was dark...
It was 9:30...long after Boy's bedtime! Everyone had left and Beloved expressed a bit of worry that we'd disappeared. I bit back a tart reply and set about getting Boy to bed. Returning downstairs, Beloved had finished picking up from the day and pulled me into a warm hug, thanking me for all I'd done during the day. I brushed it off politely...it was what I was expected to do...it was my pleasure to serve...but Beloved shook his head.
I followed him upstairs where I lotioned his feet and climbed into bed next to him. Again, he told me what a wonderful job I'd done all weekend, and that I deserved a treat. Maybe that new collar...
I am stunned. I didn't know how to respond at the idea, but the more I thought about it, the more I'm uncomfortable with such a reward. There are so many other things that need to be purchased for the house and spending $200 on a collar, no matter how beautiful, just makes me feel a little sick to my stomach. Beloved says that I am getting as bad as him about denying myself because there are "more pressing" purchases that could be made...
Does anyone else have difficulty accepting finery or other expensive gifts as a reward for being a good slave? Do you and your Dom have a system for such things?
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Displayed
Yesterday, we left Boy and went to a house demolition to save some stuff from the landfill. If you have never done a demolition job, basically you go into a house that is scheduled to be torn apart and haggle over stuff left inside. Gorgeous crown moldings, hardwood floors, appliances, landscaping, even furniture! Once a price is settled on and you pay up, it is up to you to remove the items and haul them away. It was hot and sweaty work, but we scored six old oak doors with original glass knob hardware, a pair of cast-iron potracks, some features for the bathrooms, all for about $200!
That evening, Halder and silvara came over. Originally there was talk about doing more work...on the library, on the garden, on whatever...but by 5 pm, Beloved and I were both worn out with that, so instead we hung out. We girls were granted permission to go to SallyAnn's for a few more additions to silvara's wardrobe and picked up dinner. Beloved misplaced his keys and while Halder chased Boy around, Beloved picked up the house hoping to find the wayward keys. Apparently, there was also some discussion about the slaves...Halder wanted to know how Beloved administered such punishment without marking me.
I located the keys while the food was set out, which pleased Beloved. After eating and getting boy to bed, silvara was given the choice to play a game and then the Masters would use me to demonstrate a few things, or to skip the game and go straight to the demonstration. We ended up playing Dominoes for a long while...I was beginning to drag and really dreading being used. Finally, I mentioned to Beloved that I was very tired...
I think the general agreement was to put off the demo and I'm not quite sure what changed that. Before I quite knew what was happening, I was bent over the table and being flogged. I went from being an active person to being a discussed model. It was kind of hard to accept, but at the same time, I did not want to interrupt Beloved. He was displaying his pet as well as his skill, and I had no place to add to the conversation.
I was in a black sports bra, ankle-length skirt, and my slave bell anklets, so the flogger didn't have much flesh to pink up. I was told to move to the living room where there was more space. I was standing before the television, my hands on top of the box...just above my head so that I could lean forward some. After Beloved demonstrated the different kinds of swings he could do with the flogger, as well as the different slight marks and effects of such swings, he told me to drop my skirt.
I felt so embarrassed and exposed in nothing but the bra and anklets. I let my hair fall forward over my face, but I don't think either Master paid much attention to that. Beloved began to demonstrate different kinds of spankings...full hand, cupped hand, fist, fingers...and locations...high on the hips, on the full buttocks, on the upper thighs, between the butt cheeks. My ass was hot and stinging...so was my face.
Beloved stopped for a bit and had me stand straight so he could show Halder the results. I immediately went into "preen", trying to soften my grimaces as the sore spots were prodded and touched. There was a lot of discussion about the sensitivity and the importance of coloration, skin texture, body language. There was a part of me that listened in fascination because I'd never heard Beloved's careful consideration of each session. I knew it was there...but I'd never known what it was he was judging.
At the mention of sensitivity, Halder brought up the paddle as an example of a rougher surface. I never got a chance to express my thanks for that...Beloved was wavering between the paddle and the Koncis spatula for the heavier work, and the paddle is a little easier to take...
Beloved had me return my hands to the television, picked up the paddle, caressing my already stinging bottom with the rough side, and told me he wanted me to count these. At once I was terrified. I swallowed, and was able to answer Beloved's, "Are you ready for me, pet?" with a reasonably even "Yes, Master I am ready."
I screamed on the first strike. I shook my head, gripped the edge on the television, and managed "One" out of sheer will. By the third one, I was begging, tears on my cheeks, the slave bells ringing as I danced in place. It was only my determination to make Master proud that kept me standing there for the full ten.
Beloved then picked up the tassel and ran that over my raw skin, making me moan and shudder. He was very accurate when he said even that light touch makes me feel every one of those heavy strikes all over again.
Once more, I was told to stand for examination, and I preened, trying to ignore the tears dripping off my nose and chin, trying to quiet the hisses of pain at the lightest touch, trying to be beautiful despite everything. My arms began to ache and tremble, but the Masters continued to discuss toys, techniques. I was on the verge of crying all over again...How could I possibly maintain the pose much longer?
At last, Beloved told me to pull up my skirt (which burned on my skin) and took me into his arms, whispering praise for me. Halder and silvara gathered the rest of their things to leave, and came to say goodnight. silvara kissed me, whispering that she was sorry. Halder thanked me and praised my submission. I had so little left of offer that I couldn't respond well...
Beloved took me upstairs and proceeded to give me aftercare attentions with lotion and tender touches over my entire back side, from my neck to my feet, murmuring his appreciation for me, inspecting me for damage (there was none...which, I suppose, was the whole point of the demonstration), and generally taking care of me.
I still had a difficult coming down enough to slip into sleep, and my ass was sore so finding a comfortable position was really difficult, but eventually everything melted into dreams.
That evening, Halder and silvara came over. Originally there was talk about doing more work...on the library, on the garden, on whatever...but by 5 pm, Beloved and I were both worn out with that, so instead we hung out. We girls were granted permission to go to SallyAnn's for a few more additions to silvara's wardrobe and picked up dinner. Beloved misplaced his keys and while Halder chased Boy around, Beloved picked up the house hoping to find the wayward keys. Apparently, there was also some discussion about the slaves...Halder wanted to know how Beloved administered such punishment without marking me.
I located the keys while the food was set out, which pleased Beloved. After eating and getting boy to bed, silvara was given the choice to play a game and then the Masters would use me to demonstrate a few things, or to skip the game and go straight to the demonstration. We ended up playing Dominoes for a long while...I was beginning to drag and really dreading being used. Finally, I mentioned to Beloved that I was very tired...
I think the general agreement was to put off the demo and I'm not quite sure what changed that. Before I quite knew what was happening, I was bent over the table and being flogged. I went from being an active person to being a discussed model. It was kind of hard to accept, but at the same time, I did not want to interrupt Beloved. He was displaying his pet as well as his skill, and I had no place to add to the conversation.
I was in a black sports bra, ankle-length skirt, and my slave bell anklets, so the flogger didn't have much flesh to pink up. I was told to move to the living room where there was more space. I was standing before the television, my hands on top of the box...just above my head so that I could lean forward some. After Beloved demonstrated the different kinds of swings he could do with the flogger, as well as the different slight marks and effects of such swings, he told me to drop my skirt.
I felt so embarrassed and exposed in nothing but the bra and anklets. I let my hair fall forward over my face, but I don't think either Master paid much attention to that. Beloved began to demonstrate different kinds of spankings...full hand, cupped hand, fist, fingers...and locations...high on the hips, on the full buttocks, on the upper thighs, between the butt cheeks. My ass was hot and stinging...so was my face.
Beloved stopped for a bit and had me stand straight so he could show Halder the results. I immediately went into "preen", trying to soften my grimaces as the sore spots were prodded and touched. There was a lot of discussion about the sensitivity and the importance of coloration, skin texture, body language. There was a part of me that listened in fascination because I'd never heard Beloved's careful consideration of each session. I knew it was there...but I'd never known what it was he was judging.
At the mention of sensitivity, Halder brought up the paddle as an example of a rougher surface. I never got a chance to express my thanks for that...Beloved was wavering between the paddle and the Koncis spatula for the heavier work, and the paddle is a little easier to take...
Beloved had me return my hands to the television, picked up the paddle, caressing my already stinging bottom with the rough side, and told me he wanted me to count these. At once I was terrified. I swallowed, and was able to answer Beloved's, "Are you ready for me, pet?" with a reasonably even "Yes, Master I am ready."
I screamed on the first strike. I shook my head, gripped the edge on the television, and managed "One" out of sheer will. By the third one, I was begging, tears on my cheeks, the slave bells ringing as I danced in place. It was only my determination to make Master proud that kept me standing there for the full ten.
Beloved then picked up the tassel and ran that over my raw skin, making me moan and shudder. He was very accurate when he said even that light touch makes me feel every one of those heavy strikes all over again.
Once more, I was told to stand for examination, and I preened, trying to ignore the tears dripping off my nose and chin, trying to quiet the hisses of pain at the lightest touch, trying to be beautiful despite everything. My arms began to ache and tremble, but the Masters continued to discuss toys, techniques. I was on the verge of crying all over again...How could I possibly maintain the pose much longer?
At last, Beloved told me to pull up my skirt (which burned on my skin) and took me into his arms, whispering praise for me. Halder and silvara gathered the rest of their things to leave, and came to say goodnight. silvara kissed me, whispering that she was sorry. Halder thanked me and praised my submission. I had so little left of offer that I couldn't respond well...
Beloved took me upstairs and proceeded to give me aftercare attentions with lotion and tender touches over my entire back side, from my neck to my feet, murmuring his appreciation for me, inspecting me for damage (there was none...which, I suppose, was the whole point of the demonstration), and generally taking care of me.
I still had a difficult coming down enough to slip into sleep, and my ass was sore so finding a comfortable position was really difficult, but eventually everything melted into dreams.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Lesson learned...maybe.
On Wednesday, we had our monthly Cranium Nite. Earlier that day, Beloved told me, "I have something planned for you this evening, so be ready for me." Foolish girl, I protested. Company was coming, how could I prepare if I didn't know what to expect?
Beloved Master: Just be aware that i may call upon you at any time and expect you to comply.
Did I get the message? Nnnnnoooooooo.
girl: Master, you are making this difficult for me
Beloved Master: *raised eyebrow* Is it supposed to be easy on you? Is being ready for your masters call such a burden?
girl: no...it's just...with company coming, it's a little difficult
Beloved Master: I realize that, are you saying you cant handle being ready to come when I summon because of company?
girl: *soft sigh* I will be ready for you, Master.
Beloved Master: Pet, I'll only say this one more time... At some point tonight I may desire your attention and compliance, when I do I want you to drop whatever you are doing and come to me.
girl: yes, Master
Beloved's mother (who is vanilla, just to be clear), Halder, and silvara joined us early for supper. silvara was a fantastic help, as always, first assisting to make dinner and then by helping to clean up afterwards.
Cranium was a blast, with eleven people crowded around the table meant for six. It was late by the time most people left. Halder and silvara stuck around a little longer and while I hadn't forgotten Beloved's caution, I thought I was off the hook
due to the hour. The first hint of otherwise was when Beloved began rubbing my feet.
I assumed he was going to chew them...I hate that and he loves to make me squirm...but he continued to rub higher until he was playing with my pussy right in front of Halder and silvara. I tried to be nonchalant about it, but it came off as a stone-walled bored expression which irritated Beloved. He proceeded to tell Halder about my transgression in chat...that I'd protested and when I finally submitted, it was with a TYPED OUT sigh!
I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. This wasn't going to be good. Beloved stood over me and ordered me to fetch the toybag.
We had talked about playing with Halder and silvara, but I hadn't expected THAT. I started to get angry. It wasn't fair to drag silvara into *my* punishment. I wasn't sure this was kosher with Halder. How could Beloved do this when it was already after 10:30???
I did as I was told, and Beloved proceeded to chain me bent over the pool table. silvara was unable to maintain the position due to a shoulder injury, but Halder offered alternative options. I was broiling inside, and was determined not to make a fool of myself (um...duh...anyone see where this is going?).
Beloved demanded my acceptance. "Pet, are you ready for me?"
"Yes, Master, I am ready," came through gritted teeth.
He flogged me for about 100 strikes (yes, I counted even though he told me not to.) and then switched to his hand and other toys. He bent over me a few times and asked where I was, and I was sullen in my responses. I had my eyes tight shut, but I could hear silvara crying and gasping out, and I felt shamed for having involved her. Still, I was quiet, barely gasping, even when Beloved began with the belt. His strikes were very un-distributed, landing almost solely on my right buttock. It hurt and I just sank further into my rage. Finally, he kissed me, released me.
Halder and silvara were sitting on one of the couches, obviously coming down, and Beloved asked that I sit at his feet. I couldn't...not evenly, anyway...so he patted the couch, instructing me to lay over his lap. He began petting me and praising both silvara and me...I almost fell apart at that point. I was beginning to realize I was being stupid and ungraceful in my submission. Beloved whispered to me that I could go and apologize to silvara for involving her, which I did. We kissed gently and hugged each other. Beloved then suggested I speak to Halder...I wasn't sure in the moment WHAT about. I protested vaguely, my eyes wandering to the uncleaned up game, the toys strewn about the room...I had work I had to see to. Beloved shook his head and silvara jumped up and began seeing about the minor work. He followed her, leaving me to talk with Halder.
Halder praised me as well, and I shook my head. I knew I'd done poorly...that my sullen reactions were quite clear, that I'd failed to "be ready" for my Beloved Master. I explained my anger, especially about forcing silvara into the situation. Halder stopped me cold there. He was the one that had made that decision, not me, not Beloved. He could have decided to leave, and instead had thoroughly enjoyed the situation. That it had been a little hard, because there are still feelings between him and me, but he hoped we would all play again soon...
By the end of our (maybe) ten minute talk, I was in tears and the pickup was all done. I approached Beloved sincerely and apologized for being such a brat and difficult girl. We said our goodnights to Halder and silvara and went upstairs where we continued to talk for nearly an hour, mostly my apologies and trying to sort out why I had submitted but not surrendered...
In my head, things are well. Unfortunately, Beloved pulled my pants down this morning. I could hear the disgust in his voice when he asked what I'd done yesterday. I couldn't think of anything that would garner that reaction...the only thing I could think of was the punishment I'd taken two days ago. I hadn't bruised right away, but it was a deep ache, and I guess it's worked out to the skin...
Beloved is now angry with himself and I'm feeling like a poor pet...If I'd surrendered myself and been able to express to Beloved the pain he was inflicting, perhaps he wouldn't have tried to force it from me. Instead, my Master feels like HE failed and that makes me ache...
It's a complicated equation for me. Vixen posted a while ago about being a brat. She wrote, "I see a brat as someone who has an independent streak, a fire, a strong will. Cheeky at times but generally playful. A brat isn't a bitch, a brat is someone who likes to have fun. Sometimes we push it, sometimes it gets us in trouble but it is WHO we are."
That is very much true for me. I try to express my personality in writing, typing out "smiles" "blushes" and "sighs". It got me in trouble, in more ways than one. I'd like to say that I will be more obedient with Beloved Master in the future, but Vixen's caution rings in my ears...
"...it is WHO we are."
Beloved Master: Just be aware that i may call upon you at any time and expect you to comply.
Did I get the message? Nnnnnoooooooo.
girl: Master, you are making this difficult for me
Beloved Master: *raised eyebrow* Is it supposed to be easy on you? Is being ready for your masters call such a burden?
girl: no...it's just...with company coming, it's a little difficult
Beloved Master: I realize that, are you saying you cant handle being ready to come when I summon because of company?
girl: *soft sigh* I will be ready for you, Master.
Beloved Master: Pet, I'll only say this one more time... At some point tonight I may desire your attention and compliance, when I do I want you to drop whatever you are doing and come to me.
girl: yes, Master
Beloved's mother (who is vanilla, just to be clear), Halder, and silvara joined us early for supper. silvara was a fantastic help, as always, first assisting to make dinner and then by helping to clean up afterwards.
Cranium was a blast, with eleven people crowded around the table meant for six. It was late by the time most people left. Halder and silvara stuck around a little longer and while I hadn't forgotten Beloved's caution, I thought I was off the hook
due to the hour. The first hint of otherwise was when Beloved began rubbing my feet.
I assumed he was going to chew them...I hate that and he loves to make me squirm...but he continued to rub higher until he was playing with my pussy right in front of Halder and silvara. I tried to be nonchalant about it, but it came off as a stone-walled bored expression which irritated Beloved. He proceeded to tell Halder about my transgression in chat...that I'd protested and when I finally submitted, it was with a TYPED OUT sigh!
I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. This wasn't going to be good. Beloved stood over me and ordered me to fetch the toybag.
We had talked about playing with Halder and silvara, but I hadn't expected THAT. I started to get angry. It wasn't fair to drag silvara into *my* punishment. I wasn't sure this was kosher with Halder. How could Beloved do this when it was already after 10:30???
I did as I was told, and Beloved proceeded to chain me bent over the pool table. silvara was unable to maintain the position due to a shoulder injury, but Halder offered alternative options. I was broiling inside, and was determined not to make a fool of myself (um...duh...anyone see where this is going?).
Beloved demanded my acceptance. "Pet, are you ready for me?"
"Yes, Master, I am ready," came through gritted teeth.
He flogged me for about 100 strikes (yes, I counted even though he told me not to.) and then switched to his hand and other toys. He bent over me a few times and asked where I was, and I was sullen in my responses. I had my eyes tight shut, but I could hear silvara crying and gasping out, and I felt shamed for having involved her. Still, I was quiet, barely gasping, even when Beloved began with the belt. His strikes were very un-distributed, landing almost solely on my right buttock. It hurt and I just sank further into my rage. Finally, he kissed me, released me.
Halder and silvara were sitting on one of the couches, obviously coming down, and Beloved asked that I sit at his feet. I couldn't...not evenly, anyway...so he patted the couch, instructing me to lay over his lap. He began petting me and praising both silvara and me...I almost fell apart at that point. I was beginning to realize I was being stupid and ungraceful in my submission. Beloved whispered to me that I could go and apologize to silvara for involving her, which I did. We kissed gently and hugged each other. Beloved then suggested I speak to Halder...I wasn't sure in the moment WHAT about. I protested vaguely, my eyes wandering to the uncleaned up game, the toys strewn about the room...I had work I had to see to. Beloved shook his head and silvara jumped up and began seeing about the minor work. He followed her, leaving me to talk with Halder.
Halder praised me as well, and I shook my head. I knew I'd done poorly...that my sullen reactions were quite clear, that I'd failed to "be ready" for my Beloved Master. I explained my anger, especially about forcing silvara into the situation. Halder stopped me cold there. He was the one that had made that decision, not me, not Beloved. He could have decided to leave, and instead had thoroughly enjoyed the situation. That it had been a little hard, because there are still feelings between him and me, but he hoped we would all play again soon...
By the end of our (maybe) ten minute talk, I was in tears and the pickup was all done. I approached Beloved sincerely and apologized for being such a brat and difficult girl. We said our goodnights to Halder and silvara and went upstairs where we continued to talk for nearly an hour, mostly my apologies and trying to sort out why I had submitted but not surrendered...
In my head, things are well. Unfortunately, Beloved pulled my pants down this morning. I could hear the disgust in his voice when he asked what I'd done yesterday. I couldn't think of anything that would garner that reaction...the only thing I could think of was the punishment I'd taken two days ago. I hadn't bruised right away, but it was a deep ache, and I guess it's worked out to the skin...
Beloved is now angry with himself and I'm feeling like a poor pet...If I'd surrendered myself and been able to express to Beloved the pain he was inflicting, perhaps he wouldn't have tried to force it from me. Instead, my Master feels like HE failed and that makes me ache...
It's a complicated equation for me. Vixen posted a while ago about being a brat. She wrote, "I see a brat as someone who has an independent streak, a fire, a strong will. Cheeky at times but generally playful. A brat isn't a bitch, a brat is someone who likes to have fun. Sometimes we push it, sometimes it gets us in trouble but it is WHO we are."
That is very much true for me. I try to express my personality in writing, typing out "smiles" "blushes" and "sighs". It got me in trouble, in more ways than one. I'd like to say that I will be more obedient with Beloved Master in the future, but Vixen's caution rings in my ears...
"...it is WHO we are."
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
New adventures
Last night when we headed to bed, I was craving Beloved's cock. He was amused by this and allowed me to suckle him for a little while. He then told me to get a condom and had me ride on top of him...something I haven't been able to do since he returned home because of my back (much much better, by the way. a wonder what a week of rest will do to spasming muscles!). After writhing and coming very close to orgasm, Beloved grabbed my hips and fucked me hard, driving me into an orgasm. He didn't climax, though, and flipped me over. He asked if I wanted to try something new, and pressed his cock against my ass.
*blush* Anal sex as been a big part of my fantasies for a long time, but early in our relationship, Beloved made it clear that the ass was an exit only. I've made hints over the years, and occasionally he's teased me with a toy, but we've never actually had anal sex. My cyber Master, on the other hand, was rather insistent on the purchase of graduated butt plugs to get me ready for a cock, just in case Beloved changed his mind. I've been trying to spend at least an hour with the smallest of them in my ass each day and have gotten fairly used to it.
I was totally surprised at Beloved's advances, but I didn't hesitate more than a few seconds. I grabbed some lubricant, but I don't think Beloved used enough. He managed to get the head of his cock in, but it just hurt sooo much! *frowns* The bright side is I didn't tear or bleed, so maybe the stretching exercises are doing something. I have more practice and stretching on the horizon...
*blush* Anal sex as been a big part of my fantasies for a long time, but early in our relationship, Beloved made it clear that the ass was an exit only. I've made hints over the years, and occasionally he's teased me with a toy, but we've never actually had anal sex. My cyber Master, on the other hand, was rather insistent on the purchase of graduated butt plugs to get me ready for a cock, just in case Beloved changed his mind. I've been trying to spend at least an hour with the smallest of them in my ass each day and have gotten fairly used to it.
I was totally surprised at Beloved's advances, but I didn't hesitate more than a few seconds. I grabbed some lubricant, but I don't think Beloved used enough. He managed to get the head of his cock in, but it just hurt sooo much! *frowns* The bright side is I didn't tear or bleed, so maybe the stretching exercises are doing something. I have more practice and stretching on the horizon...
Sunday, June 1, 2008
A Very Merry Unbirthday...
We had a small birthday celebration for me to make up for the fact that we didn't have a party or cake ON my birthday. There were both vanillas and kinksters present. That was interesting, but everyone got along pretty well. Halder managed to get a few discreet swats on my ass over the night, but mostly they were just friendly swipes. Beloved gave me a more fitting birthday spanking later that night. I did ask for it since I teased about getting through my party without a spanking. *wry smile* Be careful what you ask for!
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