Yup...I proved it today...er, yesterday? *sigh* It's been a loooooooong day! I got up at 6:30 with Girl, and since I was up, I made pancakes. After eating breakfast, I saw Beloved off to work and did my morning workout, dashed through a shower, and got the kids and myself out the door. Dropped Girl off with Grandma, did gynmastics with Boy (where I did said cartwheels!), picked up Girl, went to a Meetup playgroup, got home and put Boy down for a nap, made dinner for 10 and two apple pies, then hosted a group of 20 folks for another Meetup...
Blessings and praise be upon Beloved for cleaning up while I played hostess at the end of the evening!!!
Pride and joy describes how happy I am with the children for their behavior (although the sugar high at bedtime was a small problem).
EXHAUSTED and wired to the nines is what I am.
And I get to do it again tomorrow! Different variations, but still packed in and running running running...
I have an actual post to make about an amazing scene and some fantastic sex, but details are quickly fading and I'm just a little fuzzy to really put into words what it was that happened. Maybe I'll get it out...but with the current schedule, it's unlikely.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Bet you can't make me...
*laughs* First thing to know about Beloved, he NEVER backs down from a challenge. Never. Sometimes this is a very bad thing, because we were both disappointed when Boy's hair got buzzed on a dare...
But sometimes, this is a very good thing. Like last night...
It was late, we'd had a long day, and as he climbed into bed I leaned over and kissed him, and then blithely said, "Can I suck your cock?" It was a light-playful tone...not at all the tone I'd use for such topics...it even surprised me that the words just tumbled out. Beloved grinned and kept kissing me. I teased and he jested back that sometimes a guy wants a little foreplay. So I pounced on him! He laughed, and I challenged him.
Bet you can't make me suck your cock!
*coughs* Beloved has expressed an increasing fondness for the idea of rough body play, of "forcing" pleasure, of "play-rape". It's been a pretty edgy topic for years because of my history. While I'm sure that was in his mind, Beloved certainly got into the spirit. And while I didn't bite, kick, or scream, I think I put up a reasonable struggle.
So, yes, I was "forced" to follow through on my original request...and then my pants were torn off and he took his pleasure...and dragged me along for the ride.
*smirks* It was fun. It was HOT. I didn't have any nightmares. Pretty cool. Who knows...maybe...maybe I can be HIS again.
But sometimes, this is a very good thing. Like last night...
It was late, we'd had a long day, and as he climbed into bed I leaned over and kissed him, and then blithely said, "Can I suck your cock?" It was a light-playful tone...not at all the tone I'd use for such topics...it even surprised me that the words just tumbled out. Beloved grinned and kept kissing me. I teased and he jested back that sometimes a guy wants a little foreplay. So I pounced on him! He laughed, and I challenged him.
Bet you can't make me suck your cock!
*coughs* Beloved has expressed an increasing fondness for the idea of rough body play, of "forcing" pleasure, of "play-rape". It's been a pretty edgy topic for years because of my history. While I'm sure that was in his mind, Beloved certainly got into the spirit. And while I didn't bite, kick, or scream, I think I put up a reasonable struggle.
So, yes, I was "forced" to follow through on my original request...and then my pants were torn off and he took his pleasure...and dragged me along for the ride.
*smirks* It was fun. It was HOT. I didn't have any nightmares. Pretty cool. Who knows...maybe...maybe I can be HIS again.
Friday, September 11, 2009
What makes me think I could start clean slated...
On July 22nd, my collar was cut off. Granted, it was because of surgery, but I was uncollared. Beloved and I have not really visited that space for a long time, but it still left an ache. I've hinted and teased lightly about being re-collared...even bought the cord to make it happen...
Last night... *sigh* Back up. Yesterday was long and very busy. I was exhausted by suppertime. Beloved had teased me a bit during Boy's bath, but I really lacked the energy to do much. Beloved bit me and lightly marked me, I begged off. When the kids were finally asleep, I had fully intended to collapse as well. Beloved had other plans...
Of course, NOW my head is all fuzzy because I was tired, so I can't give an accurate account of events, but basically, I ended up on the couch with Beloved between my thighs...and he was TALKING. All what should have been complimentary...how much he enjoyed my taste, my scent...but I flipped out a bit. He backed off and asked if I would hesitate to take off my top, to offer my breasts, asked why my pussy was different. I don't really have the words to explain...but receiving sexual pleasure is so damnably HARD for me...
He told me to go wash my face and come back. I did.
He asked if I wanted to be HIS...of course...yes! So, he issued the orders for me to take off my top, offer my breasts, turn around, bend over and grab my ankles...I did. It wasn't until he started TALKING about playing with my pussy and ass (again) that I got edgy (again). I tried...but I was uncomfortable. He told me to get on the couch, that he was going to lick and suck me...I obeyed, but with hesitation...and started to cry (again). He came up and sat next to me (again), I recovered (again), and he told me that if I were going to belong to him, he was going to do as he liked...it wasn't about my disappointment in my body or concern about my scent, it HIS desires (duh) and if he wanted to, he WOULD like my pussy, would tell me to scream at the top of my lungs...that I'd smile while doing it.
And I lost it. It was almost panicky...I sank fast into the "worthless failure" place, angry that I couldn't submit, angry that he's ask such things of me...I can never, ever where his collar again, because I can't DO it...I can't accept pleasure. I'm afraid of it...afraid of not being "the good girl", afraid of being "disgusting", afraid of admitting I like it, afraid of condoning what happened more than twenty years ago.
When I stopped crying, we talked a little more about it...he said there is no doubt that I am a submissive...I submit to him every day in little ways...by asking what he'd like done around the house, by attending to his laundry, by making meals and caring for the kids, by making everything HE does possible. It's just in this area that I have a hard time... He's trying to unravel me, I think, but we are both painfully inexperienced in this space...I strangle myself on the words and he doesn't understand how to get me into a "good" bad space...
We finally gave it up, I tucked him in and went downstairs. I cleaned up dinner in a numb despair, then cleaned the bathroom. It was getting late and I had another busy day ahead, so I dragged myself back to the bedroom. Beloved was still awake, and in the dark, with my eyes closed, I was finally able to get some words out. I recalled a scene with Sir that maybe helped Beloved understand some of what I need...seek...
But I don't know.
Today has just been another day. Played with the kids, ran laundry, managed to work out lunch plans with Boy and Beloved (left Girl so it was a "special" time for Boy), got the kids home and down for a nap...
But here, in the few quiet moments, I find myself hurting and the irony of the Indigo Girls rings in my head...
Last night... *sigh* Back up. Yesterday was long and very busy. I was exhausted by suppertime. Beloved had teased me a bit during Boy's bath, but I really lacked the energy to do much. Beloved bit me and lightly marked me, I begged off. When the kids were finally asleep, I had fully intended to collapse as well. Beloved had other plans...
Of course, NOW my head is all fuzzy because I was tired, so I can't give an accurate account of events, but basically, I ended up on the couch with Beloved between my thighs...and he was TALKING. All what should have been complimentary...how much he enjoyed my taste, my scent...but I flipped out a bit. He backed off and asked if I would hesitate to take off my top, to offer my breasts, asked why my pussy was different. I don't really have the words to explain...but receiving sexual pleasure is so damnably HARD for me...
He told me to go wash my face and come back. I did.
He asked if I wanted to be HIS...of course...yes! So, he issued the orders for me to take off my top, offer my breasts, turn around, bend over and grab my ankles...I did. It wasn't until he started TALKING about playing with my pussy and ass (again) that I got edgy (again). I tried...but I was uncomfortable. He told me to get on the couch, that he was going to lick and suck me...I obeyed, but with hesitation...and started to cry (again). He came up and sat next to me (again), I recovered (again), and he told me that if I were going to belong to him, he was going to do as he liked...it wasn't about my disappointment in my body or concern about my scent, it HIS desires (duh) and if he wanted to, he WOULD like my pussy, would tell me to scream at the top of my lungs...that I'd smile while doing it.
And I lost it. It was almost panicky...I sank fast into the "worthless failure" place, angry that I couldn't submit, angry that he's ask such things of me...I can never, ever where his collar again, because I can't DO it...I can't accept pleasure. I'm afraid of it...afraid of not being "the good girl", afraid of being "disgusting", afraid of admitting I like it, afraid of condoning what happened more than twenty years ago.
When I stopped crying, we talked a little more about it...he said there is no doubt that I am a submissive...I submit to him every day in little ways...by asking what he'd like done around the house, by attending to his laundry, by making meals and caring for the kids, by making everything HE does possible. It's just in this area that I have a hard time... He's trying to unravel me, I think, but we are both painfully inexperienced in this space...I strangle myself on the words and he doesn't understand how to get me into a "good" bad space...
We finally gave it up, I tucked him in and went downstairs. I cleaned up dinner in a numb despair, then cleaned the bathroom. It was getting late and I had another busy day ahead, so I dragged myself back to the bedroom. Beloved was still awake, and in the dark, with my eyes closed, I was finally able to get some words out. I recalled a scene with Sir that maybe helped Beloved understand some of what I need...seek...
But I don't know.
Today has just been another day. Played with the kids, ran laundry, managed to work out lunch plans with Boy and Beloved (left Girl so it was a "special" time for Boy), got the kids home and down for a nap...
But here, in the few quiet moments, I find myself hurting and the irony of the Indigo Girls rings in my head...
So what makes me think I could start clean slated
The hardest to learn was the least complicated
The least complicated
The least complicated
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