Day 30 - May 30
I made it though the 30-Day challenge! “everyday for 30 days… write something kind about yourself.. something that you like about yourself… that has nothing to do with your outer shell.”
My thirty days are posted, beginning on May 1, but my summary is that I am amazing!
I am a gardener, a lover, an accountant. I am real and I am magical. I am a servant and a cook. I am a mother. I am strong and considerate, thrifty and organized. I have weaknesses and I am educated. I am beautiful, open-minded and clever. I loyal and I am blessed. I can make it through miserable days. I create connections and negotiate compromises. I am charismatic, empathetic, and a leader. I am 35 years old and crowing about the fact. I am patient and determined. I am a partner. **I AM AMAZING!**
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Every Day...Partner
Day 29 - May 29
For my birthday, Rain and AM gave me a card that read:
"You're not exactly high maintenance. Most of the time, it's not that much about you."
The thing is, I don't want it to be ALL about others, either. I am definitely aware that I need and deserve recognition for my efforts and contributions. In that way, I am a partner.
I share what I have, and as Jethro says, “When all you’ve got is nothing, there’s a lot to go around.” I think that is part of the gift of polyamory in my life. I am partnered with many people in many ways, and we all share what we have...time, energy, support, expertise, love.
*soft smile* I hope that you know I give as good as I get, and vice versa. That is what it means to be my partner.
For my birthday, Rain and AM gave me a card that read:
The thing is, I don't want it to be ALL about others, either. I am definitely aware that I need and deserve recognition for my efforts and contributions. In that way, I am a partner.
I share what I have, and as Jethro says, “When all you’ve got is nothing, there’s a lot to go around.” I think that is part of the gift of polyamory in my life. I am partnered with many people in many ways, and we all share what we have...time, energy, support, expertise, love.
*soft smile* I hope that you know I give as good as I get, and vice versa. That is what it means to be my partner.
Every Day...Determined
Day 28 - May 28
I am determined. *wry smile* I am GOING to get through these thirty days! hahaha.
There are things that I have given up on, but the ones that really click, that are really important, that become a defining factor of who I am...those I am determined to see to the end. This 30-Day exercise is a part of that, joking aside, because it's important for ME to remember my values and good points.
Yesterday, Beloved agreed to watching the kids so I could get the summer wardrobes exchanged. It happened to be the hottest day of the year (so far) and by the time I'd finished Boy's, Girl's, and Beloved's clothes, I was drenched in sweat and tired of the attic. Beloved nudged me on, and not only did I get though my own clothes, but I also sorted two wardrobe boxes that I haven't gone through since Boy was born! I was determined to knock that out, once I started. It felt sooooo good to actually eliminate a whole box!
I'm also determined to celebrate: holidays, birthdays, friendships. Sometimes, I put it out that "Hey, it would be cool to do ABC!" and someone will pick it up and run with it. Sometimes, I get feedback that "Yeah, it would be cool..." and I make it happen. Almost every year, I get an agast reaction to my baking my own birthday cake. *laughs* I don't mind...as long as I have friends who are willing to EAT it with me! And if it takes baking a cake to coerce people into the house to sing that silly birthday song, it's a small price to pay! *wink* Same with stockings or baskets or fireworks or camping trips. If you build it, they will come. At least, if I am determined enough to make it happen!
I am determined. *wry smile* I am GOING to get through these thirty days! hahaha.
There are things that I have given up on, but the ones that really click, that are really important, that become a defining factor of who I am...those I am determined to see to the end. This 30-Day exercise is a part of that, joking aside, because it's important for ME to remember my values and good points.
Yesterday, Beloved agreed to watching the kids so I could get the summer wardrobes exchanged. It happened to be the hottest day of the year (so far) and by the time I'd finished Boy's, Girl's, and Beloved's clothes, I was drenched in sweat and tired of the attic. Beloved nudged me on, and not only did I get though my own clothes, but I also sorted two wardrobe boxes that I haven't gone through since Boy was born! I was determined to knock that out, once I started. It felt sooooo good to actually eliminate a whole box!
I'm also determined to celebrate: holidays, birthdays, friendships. Sometimes, I put it out that "Hey, it would be cool to do ABC!" and someone will pick it up and run with it. Sometimes, I get feedback that "Yeah, it would be cool..." and I make it happen. Almost every year, I get an agast reaction to my baking my own birthday cake. *laughs* I don't mind...as long as I have friends who are willing to EAT it with me! And if it takes baking a cake to coerce people into the house to sing that silly birthday song, it's a small price to pay! *wink* Same with stockings or baskets or fireworks or camping trips. If you build it, they will come. At least, if I am determined enough to make it happen!
Friday, May 27, 2011
Every Day...Patience
Day 27 - May 27
I am learning patience. This is a virtue I was definitely NOT born with, but I am picking it up a little at a time. Patience with reading "Whhhooo's That?" for the millionth time. Patience in reading my own books a paragraph at a time. Patience with getting bare-root plants and nurturing them for a couple of years into garden beauties. Patience with gradually improving the quality of things.
I am so guilty of the perfectionist trap...that if it can't be spectacular NOW, then I can't do it. There are plenty of areas that I still have to work on this. :-S That is okay. I vaguely remember a small cross-stitch sampler in my bedroom when I was just a kid...
Please have patience with me...God isn't finished yet!
I used to think that was a reminder for Mom and Dad. Now, I think it might be a more important reminder for me. I need to have patience with MYSELF...I am still learning.
I am learning patience. This is a virtue I was definitely NOT born with, but I am picking it up a little at a time. Patience with reading "Whhhooo's That?" for the millionth time. Patience in reading my own books a paragraph at a time. Patience with getting bare-root plants and nurturing them for a couple of years into garden beauties. Patience with gradually improving the quality of things.
I am so guilty of the perfectionist trap...that if it can't be spectacular NOW, then I can't do it. There are plenty of areas that I still have to work on this. :-S That is okay. I vaguely remember a small cross-stitch sampler in my bedroom when I was just a kid...
I used to think that was a reminder for Mom and Dad. Now, I think it might be a more important reminder for me. I need to have patience with MYSELF...I am still learning.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Every Day...35
Day 26 - May 26
I am 35. Today is my birthday, and I have never felt the need to fudge or hide my age. More candles on the cake means more light in my life. Since it's MY day, I can and will claim the right to make my own birthday day, or make an outrageous request (like the homemade cherry amaretto cake with white chocolate frosting...Beloved is amazingly patient with me!). I'll plan my own party, not because I don't have to do it, but because I LIKE planning parties.
So, yeah. I'm thirty-five and have nothing to hide. It's a good day.
I am 35. Today is my birthday, and I have never felt the need to fudge or hide my age. More candles on the cake means more light in my life. Since it's MY day, I can and will claim the right to make my own birthday day, or make an outrageous request (like the homemade cherry amaretto cake with white chocolate frosting...Beloved is amazingly patient with me!). I'll plan my own party, not because I don't have to do it, but because I LIKE planning parties.
So, yeah. I'm thirty-five and have nothing to hide. It's a good day.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Every Day...Leader
Day 25 - May 25
"leadership is the ability to successfully integrate and maximize available resources within the internal and external environment for the attainment of organizational or societal goals." ~ Ken Ogbonnia
"Submissive leadership requires a kind and gentle honesty that will attend to others' needs and win their love and loyalty." ~D. De Haan
I am a leader. While I offer my services to others, I frequently am the one who takes the actual initiative action. Deciding the plan, choosing the date, making the reservation, assigning the necessary tasks. The last piece is the most important...being able to delegate is something I've learned the hard way.
It isn't always comfortable. There are times when I'd much rather bury my brain and "just" scrub dishes or follow the list. But when you are placed "in charge"...be it of children, team members, or a business...you have to provide parameters for others. I see it as a service, because I relieve others of the responsibility of planning. They can give me yes/no answers to choices I present, but I am still providing leadership through defining what the choices are. Leadership is a part of my service.
"leadership is the ability to successfully integrate and maximize available resources within the internal and external environment for the attainment of organizational or societal goals." ~ Ken Ogbonnia
"Submissive leadership requires a kind and gentle honesty that will attend to others' needs and win their love and loyalty." ~D. De Haan
I am a leader. While I offer my services to others, I frequently am the one who takes the actual initiative action. Deciding the plan, choosing the date, making the reservation, assigning the necessary tasks. The last piece is the most important...being able to delegate is something I've learned the hard way.
It isn't always comfortable. There are times when I'd much rather bury my brain and "just" scrub dishes or follow the list. But when you are placed "in charge"...be it of children, team members, or a business...you have to provide parameters for others. I see it as a service, because I relieve others of the responsibility of planning. They can give me yes/no answers to choices I present, but I am still providing leadership through defining what the choices are. Leadership is a part of my service.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Every Day...Empathetic
Day 24 - May 24
This is a hard one, because it's not exactly socially acceptable.
Beloved's grandmother is dying. She is old and in the haze of dementia and recently fell and broke her tailbone. She's stopped eating and drinking in favor of sleep and pain meds. Basically, she no longer wants to be in this life. Understandably, it is a hard time for the family.
Socially, I should say something like, "This is just terrible! You must feel awful. I wish there was something I could do."
But I can't. I am not sympathetic. My feelings are that when it's time, it's time, and the kindest thing is to let go. There is nothing I can do to "fix" the "problem", and I don't feel I should if there was. Sympathy, while highly valued in our culture, is very disempowering. It lends the air of "I'm fine and you have a problem." Expressing sympathy this way can accentuates a victim state of mind.
Makes me sound like a cold-hearted, jaded bitch, doesn't it? *sigh* Maybe. It's not supposed to. I understand what they are feeling, maybe all too well, but I don’t have to go there with them. I don't have to be swallowed up in the loss. Instead, I know there is hurt, and I want to provide what is needed. I'm empathetic.
I will empathize with them. I will let them feel their feelings, express their concerns, and shed their tears. I will help provide what they need to take their next step, if they are open to seeing it and receiving it. I will be with them with my heart open. I hope they find strength in my quiet witness and find peace through their mourning.
This is a hard one, because it's not exactly socially acceptable.
Beloved's grandmother is dying. She is old and in the haze of dementia and recently fell and broke her tailbone. She's stopped eating and drinking in favor of sleep and pain meds. Basically, she no longer wants to be in this life. Understandably, it is a hard time for the family.
Socially, I should say something like, "This is just terrible! You must feel awful. I wish there was something I could do."
But I can't. I am not sympathetic. My feelings are that when it's time, it's time, and the kindest thing is to let go. There is nothing I can do to "fix" the "problem", and I don't feel I should if there was. Sympathy, while highly valued in our culture, is very disempowering. It lends the air of "I'm fine and you have a problem." Expressing sympathy this way can accentuates a victim state of mind.
Makes me sound like a cold-hearted, jaded bitch, doesn't it? *sigh* Maybe. It's not supposed to. I understand what they are feeling, maybe all too well, but I don’t have to go there with them. I don't have to be swallowed up in the loss. Instead, I know there is hurt, and I want to provide what is needed. I'm empathetic.
I will empathize with them. I will let them feel their feelings, express their concerns, and shed their tears. I will help provide what they need to take their next step, if they are open to seeing it and receiving it. I will be with them with my heart open. I hope they find strength in my quiet witness and find peace through their mourning.
Monday, May 23, 2011
Every Day...Charismatic
Day 23 - May 23
I am charismatic.
This is NOT how I would describe myself ordinarily. Ordinarily, I protest that I am "just me" or "nothing special." I regularly try to brush aside what I do, who I am. I am more self-critical than anything.
But I am learning that maybe I AM someone. I can can walk into a room and instantly be the center of attention. Apparently, people think highly of me and what I have to say.
I think that part of that is that no matter to whom I am talking to, I try to treat them as an equal. *wry smile* When I was in politics, I used to comment that even the powers of the world put on their pants one leg at a time. I want to know your opinions, and I believe what I have to say has real value. Most of the time. :-P Sometimes, I still get stunned and awed and it takes some doing to level the pedestal.
I suppose I first became aware of it in high school, although I generally thought it was bizarre that people *wanted* to hang out with me. I've struggled in setting my standards and abilities professionally, but it got to where I could hold people's attention and was invited to speak on issues. Today, Beloved and I share something that people watch and want to be a part of. That is charismatic, and I have that.
I am charismatic.
This is NOT how I would describe myself ordinarily. Ordinarily, I protest that I am "just me" or "nothing special." I regularly try to brush aside what I do, who I am. I am more self-critical than anything.
But I am learning that maybe I AM someone. I can can walk into a room and instantly be the center of attention. Apparently, people think highly of me and what I have to say.
I think that part of that is that no matter to whom I am talking to, I try to treat them as an equal. *wry smile* When I was in politics, I used to comment that even the powers of the world put on their pants one leg at a time. I want to know your opinions, and I believe what I have to say has real value. Most of the time. :-P Sometimes, I still get stunned and awed and it takes some doing to level the pedestal.
I suppose I first became aware of it in high school, although I generally thought it was bizarre that people *wanted* to hang out with me. I've struggled in setting my standards and abilities professionally, but it got to where I could hold people's attention and was invited to speak on issues. Today, Beloved and I share something that people watch and want to be a part of. That is charismatic, and I have that.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Every Day...Diplomatic
Day 22 - May 22
I am gracious. I'm working with the Merriam-Webster definition: 3 : : employing tact and conciliation especially in situations of stress
In general, I try to mediate differences and frustrations. I try to see the point of view, offer alternative communications, interpret the deeper issues. I can usually straddle the fence and understand both sides. Such a talent was both helpful and devisive when I was in politics, but among friends, it is a blessing.
Sometimes, it is more a demonstrative action, like last night. When we retired, Beloved and Rain were "in the mood" and I just wasn't. Despite the protests that we could all just be good and go to sleep, I deliberately fired each of them up and then cheerfully exited the room in favor of the couch. *grins* I waited long enough to be satisfied that my little mischief worked and then dirfted off to sleep. At some point, Beloved came and brought me back to bed and the three of us cuddled into DreamTime... *smiles*
I don't know that Rain really understood before that I really am 100% okay with the relationship. Today, it was as if we were sisters shopping...lounging in a Cuddler recliner, getting a pedicure (my first one ever!), and talking about boys (specifically AM and Beloved). She seemed much more at ease today.
I worry about both Rain and Beloved. She is officially moving to Pennsylvania in June, taking her place at AM's side, which is what Beloved and I have both pushed for. At the same time, Beloved's currying a sad heart for losing the close relationship, and she's scared of moving so far from the familiar. I wish I could offer an alternative, but there really aren't any midpoints for this situation. *sigh* Sometimes, there are no good answers.
I am gracious. I'm working with the Merriam-Webster definition: 3 : : employing tact and conciliation especially in situations of stress
In general, I try to mediate differences and frustrations. I try to see the point of view, offer alternative communications, interpret the deeper issues. I can usually straddle the fence and understand both sides. Such a talent was both helpful and devisive when I was in politics, but among friends, it is a blessing.
Sometimes, it is more a demonstrative action, like last night. When we retired, Beloved and Rain were "in the mood" and I just wasn't. Despite the protests that we could all just be good and go to sleep, I deliberately fired each of them up and then cheerfully exited the room in favor of the couch. *grins* I waited long enough to be satisfied that my little mischief worked and then dirfted off to sleep. At some point, Beloved came and brought me back to bed and the three of us cuddled into DreamTime... *smiles*
I don't know that Rain really understood before that I really am 100% okay with the relationship. Today, it was as if we were sisters shopping...lounging in a Cuddler recliner, getting a pedicure (my first one ever!), and talking about boys (specifically AM and Beloved). She seemed much more at ease today.
I worry about both Rain and Beloved. She is officially moving to Pennsylvania in June, taking her place at AM's side, which is what Beloved and I have both pushed for. At the same time, Beloved's currying a sad heart for losing the close relationship, and she's scared of moving so far from the familiar. I wish I could offer an alternative, but there really aren't any midpoints for this situation. *sigh* Sometimes, there are no good answers.
For Stay-At-Home Parents
This was sent to me by a good friend and I HAD to share...
My husband always asks how my day went. And he really wants to know. He’s nice like that. As we slowly push the girls around in the stroller, he shares what went right during his day at the office, and I share funny things the kids said. On bad days we vent stresses and offer support and advice.
But lately I can’t help wondering if when I mention that my day was sort of stressful, he mentally thinks, “Yeah, my days are like that too.” Because I really don’t think that our days have the same sort of stresses.
When you decide to become a stay-at-home parent, you enter into a different realm — one ruled by illogical two-year-old dictators, school schedules, and choosing the correct color yogurt. As much as I can explain this to my husband, I don’t know that I’m getting through. Now I’ve done the next best thing: creating a list of questions that will help him and other office-bound parents gauge how (cough, cough) similar their days are to ours.
When you walked into work this morning and pleasantly greeted your co-worker Jim, was his first reaction to scream “NO! WANT JASON!" followed by an office supply being thrown at you?
Has a colleague ever climbed up on your lap while you were using your computer and slammed the keyboard with both fists until the up arrow no longer worked?
Do you have to lock yourself in the supply closet or bathroom on a regular basis in order to make phone calls?
Did you finish a complete thought at any time during the day?
When you went out to lunch with your fellow workers, did you have to pack a diaper/juice/extra outfit for them? Did you have to wipe their faces? Smile an apology and leave an extra tip for the waiter on their behalf?
When a co-worker needed you for something, did she sit at her desk with her head tilted back toward the ceiling and repeatedly scream “SEAN! SEEEEANNNN! SEAAAAAAN!” until you came to find him?
When you needed a specific colleague, did you search all over for him, only to finally find him giggling in the cabinet under the sink? Did you also find six pairs of your church shoes under there with him?
Have you had to come to an associate’s aid because she fell off her desk after trying to climb on top of it using a rolling chair?
When you reached for the report a co-worker was handing you, did he snatch them away at the last second and scream “MINE!” while shoving you backwards?
Does your colleague lift up her shirt and pick things out of her belly button every time she comes over to ask a question?
While you are using the restroom, do various co-workers come in the stall and ask you to settle a disagreement or open a packet of fruit snacks?
During a board meeting when everyone is present, do you notice a smell and then have to check all your colleagues’ pants to locate it? In fact, at ANY point in your day do you have to deal with another person's feces?
If the answer to most of these questions is no, it’s a safe bet to assume you’re in an office. That said, if your answer to most of these questions is yes, and you know you’re in an office, it’s safe to assume you might need a new job.
My husband always asks how my day went. And he really wants to know. He’s nice like that. As we slowly push the girls around in the stroller, he shares what went right during his day at the office, and I share funny things the kids said. On bad days we vent stresses and offer support and advice.
But lately I can’t help wondering if when I mention that my day was sort of stressful, he mentally thinks, “Yeah, my days are like that too.” Because I really don’t think that our days have the same sort of stresses.
When you decide to become a stay-at-home parent, you enter into a different realm — one ruled by illogical two-year-old dictators, school schedules, and choosing the correct color yogurt. As much as I can explain this to my husband, I don’t know that I’m getting through. Now I’ve done the next best thing: creating a list of questions that will help him and other office-bound parents gauge how (cough, cough) similar their days are to ours.
When you walked into work this morning and pleasantly greeted your co-worker Jim, was his first reaction to scream “NO! WANT JASON!" followed by an office supply being thrown at you?
Has a colleague ever climbed up on your lap while you were using your computer and slammed the keyboard with both fists until the up arrow no longer worked?
Do you have to lock yourself in the supply closet or bathroom on a regular basis in order to make phone calls?
Did you finish a complete thought at any time during the day?
When you went out to lunch with your fellow workers, did you have to pack a diaper/juice/extra outfit for them? Did you have to wipe their faces? Smile an apology and leave an extra tip for the waiter on their behalf?
When a co-worker needed you for something, did she sit at her desk with her head tilted back toward the ceiling and repeatedly scream “SEAN! SEEEEANNNN! SEAAAAAAN!” until you came to find him?
When you needed a specific colleague, did you search all over for him, only to finally find him giggling in the cabinet under the sink? Did you also find six pairs of your church shoes under there with him?
Have you had to come to an associate’s aid because she fell off her desk after trying to climb on top of it using a rolling chair?
When you reached for the report a co-worker was handing you, did he snatch them away at the last second and scream “MINE!” while shoving you backwards?
Does your colleague lift up her shirt and pick things out of her belly button every time she comes over to ask a question?
While you are using the restroom, do various co-workers come in the stall and ask you to settle a disagreement or open a packet of fruit snacks?
During a board meeting when everyone is present, do you notice a smell and then have to check all your colleagues’ pants to locate it? In fact, at ANY point in your day do you have to deal with another person's feces?
If the answer to most of these questions is no, it’s a safe bet to assume you’re in an office. That said, if your answer to most of these questions is yes, and you know you’re in an office, it’s safe to assume you might need a new job.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Every Day...Connections
Day 21 - May 21
I connect people. A compliment I received once was that I always brought someone new to events. *chuckles* Maybe you don't see the compliment, but to me, it is about sharing experiences with people who might not otherwise reach out. It's about introducing ideas, activities, dreams. It's about re-connecting the world, one person at a time.
"We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other...If we share with caring, lightheartedness, and love, we will create abundance and joy for each other, and this moment will have been worthwhile." - Deepak Chopra
There is the popular notion that we are all connected within six degrees. What if everyone brought one person one step closer? Could we possibly connect and create a better place?
I connect people. A compliment I received once was that I always brought someone new to events. *chuckles* Maybe you don't see the compliment, but to me, it is about sharing experiences with people who might not otherwise reach out. It's about introducing ideas, activities, dreams. It's about re-connecting the world, one person at a time.
"We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other...If we share with caring, lightheartedness, and love, we will create abundance and joy for each other, and this moment will have been worthwhile." - Deepak Chopra
There is the popular notion that we are all connected within six degrees. What if everyone brought one person one step closer? Could we possibly connect and create a better place?
Friday, May 20, 2011
Every Day...TGIF!
Day 20 - May 20
It's Friday and I MADE IT! *smiles* We made it. It's been a rough week! Beloved has worked every day for the last 19 days. Boy and I have survived the last three days with no television. Girl is actually signing things and I am understanding her. It's Friday. There's promises of storms tomorrow, and I hope to dance in the rain and drum louder than the thunder!
I made it though today!
It's Friday and I MADE IT! *smiles* We made it. It's been a rough week! Beloved has worked every day for the last 19 days. Boy and I have survived the last three days with no television. Girl is actually signing things and I am understanding her. It's Friday. There's promises of storms tomorrow, and I hope to dance in the rain and drum louder than the thunder!
I made it though today!
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Every Day...Blessed
Day 19 - May 19
I am blessed. It seems like so much of my time and focus is on the negative...on what frustrates me, angers me, depresses me. The truth is, I am blessed beyond measure. I have love and health. I have friends and family. I have a home of my own. I have a garden and a library and a fantastic cast-iron bathtub to retreat to.
Yes, I have a wishlist, mostly for stability and happiness in the future, but I think we all hope for that. Albert Einstein said, There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is. I am blessed and live among miracles.
I am blessed. It seems like so much of my time and focus is on the negative...on what frustrates me, angers me, depresses me. The truth is, I am blessed beyond measure. I have love and health. I have friends and family. I have a home of my own. I have a garden and a library and a fantastic cast-iron bathtub to retreat to.
Yes, I have a wishlist, mostly for stability and happiness in the future, but I think we all hope for that. Albert Einstein said, There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is. I am blessed and live among miracles.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Every Day...Loyal
Day 18 - May 18
I am not a fair-weather friend. It doesn't really matter what the circumstances are, I'll do what I can to move mountains, flatten hills, and raise forests. Heck, I'm more likely to wade in to the disaster, often dragging help along with me. I am loyal to my friends and my friends' friends.
Truthfully, I think sometimes it drives people nuts sometimes...as if they didn't know what they were signing on for! HA!...but I love you so much for dancing along side me!
I am not a fair-weather friend. It doesn't really matter what the circumstances are, I'll do what I can to move mountains, flatten hills, and raise forests. Heck, I'm more likely to wade in to the disaster, often dragging help along with me. I am loyal to my friends and my friends' friends.
Truthfully, I think sometimes it drives people nuts sometimes...as if they didn't know what they were signing on for! HA!...but I love you so much for dancing along side me!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
There may be a drought coming...
Boy and I had a pretty big fight today about "shows". It's been brewing for a couple of weeks, and I've been putting it off in exchange for the opportunity to blog, read, and otherwise steal time for myself. Unfortunately, I made the ultimatum that there will not be any more shows for a while.
That means no television, no video games, no computer.
It's at least as much punishment for me as it is for him, but I created the situation. *sigh* Not much I can do but keep my word and muster on. We'll figure it out, but with a better rationing plan. Besides, the weather is semi-reliably warm now and time should be spent at parks and such anyway.
Still...I'm going to have a bit of withdrawal, even if I DO manage to nab a few minutes to check in...
That means no television, no video games, no computer.
It's at least as much punishment for me as it is for him, but I created the situation. *sigh* Not much I can do but keep my word and muster on. We'll figure it out, but with a better rationing plan. Besides, the weather is semi-reliably warm now and time should be spent at parks and such anyway.
Still...I'm going to have a bit of withdrawal, even if I DO manage to nab a few minutes to check in...
Every Day...Clever
Day 17 - May 17
I am clever. I can find short-cuts or substitutions for things that I want to accomplish. If I don't have baking powder, I can combine 2 parts cream of tartar with 1 part baking soda. I found a split spigot so I can run a hose under the fence for the backyard AND have a hose available for the front yard (total cost was $12 for a new hose and spigot, vs. well over $100 to move the water source). I come up with re-use ideas that help keep the budget manageable. It takes a little creativity and some stubbornness, but sometimes doing it the "hard way" actually IS pretty clever.
I am clever. I can find short-cuts or substitutions for things that I want to accomplish. If I don't have baking powder, I can combine 2 parts cream of tartar with 1 part baking soda. I found a split spigot so I can run a hose under the fence for the backyard AND have a hose available for the front yard (total cost was $12 for a new hose and spigot, vs. well over $100 to move the water source). I come up with re-use ideas that help keep the budget manageable. It takes a little creativity and some stubbornness, but sometimes doing it the "hard way" actually IS pretty clever.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Every Day...Open-Minded
Day 16 - May 16
I am open-minded. I honestly do not think there is much in lifestyle choices that would rock me. Shock me, disturb me...sure...but I believe I am able to separate myself enough to accept that "your kink is not my kink."
People think I am a tender spirit because I don't bulwark my emotions. It's kind of funny because if I express myself, it is a sure sign that I AM comfortable enough doing so.
*wry smile* I remember a play party early at which I ended up crying in the corner. My tears were interpreted by those who didn't know me as being squicked by the needle play. HA! I've cut up bodies and gotten intimate with the blood donor center. I admit, I do not understand needle play, but hey, have a blast! No, my tears were because I had tried to escape to the kitchen to wash dishes, to be of service, but was gently told I was a guest and didn't need to do that. I had no recourse for the feelings inside. Having later explained myself to the Hostess, I was promised that if I ever came back, She would ensure I had the opportunity to serve as much as the other girls played.
But it is that sort of situation that I am misunderstood.
In general, I am fascinated by things in the lifestyle. I've tried to work out my own depravity in stories and talks, seeking to wrap my mind around what is inside ME. Learning about others' explorations is intriguing and tantalizing. Muggles might label me as sick, but I think that makes me open-minded.
I am open-minded. I honestly do not think there is much in lifestyle choices that would rock me. Shock me, disturb me...sure...but I believe I am able to separate myself enough to accept that "your kink is not my kink."
People think I am a tender spirit because I don't bulwark my emotions. It's kind of funny because if I express myself, it is a sure sign that I AM comfortable enough doing so.
*wry smile* I remember a play party early at which I ended up crying in the corner. My tears were interpreted by those who didn't know me as being squicked by the needle play. HA! I've cut up bodies and gotten intimate with the blood donor center. I admit, I do not understand needle play, but hey, have a blast! No, my tears were because I had tried to escape to the kitchen to wash dishes, to be of service, but was gently told I was a guest and didn't need to do that. I had no recourse for the feelings inside. Having later explained myself to the Hostess, I was promised that if I ever came back, She would ensure I had the opportunity to serve as much as the other girls played.
But it is that sort of situation that I am misunderstood.
In general, I am fascinated by things in the lifestyle. I've tried to work out my own depravity in stories and talks, seeking to wrap my mind around what is inside ME. Learning about others' explorations is intriguing and tantalizing. Muggles might label me as sick, but I think that makes me open-minded.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Every Day...Beautiful
*smiles* I am beginning to think that the reason for THIRTY days is because you start having to dig a little deeper than might be comfortable...
I am beautiful. *gulps* Yes, this has to do with my "outer shell", but it is a hard statement to make or accept.
For me as a survivor, it is dangerous to be beautiful. It can bring unwanted and painful attention. For a long, long time, I hid in tent-sized clothing and long hair. Being beautiful was something I avoided!
Over the years, I have learned that
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? ~ Marianne Williamson
I have had to learn that hiding is not a service and not even a protection to myself. While I have grumbles...my tummy isn't flat, my breasts sag, my flubbies...I have also learned that isn't all that others see (or if it IS, then I don't want their shallowness in my life). I've learned that I DO turn others on with my body and my mind and my spirit. I've learned that it is okay to be beautiful.
I am beautiful. *gulps* Yes, this has to do with my "outer shell", but it is a hard statement to make or accept.
For me as a survivor, it is dangerous to be beautiful. It can bring unwanted and painful attention. For a long, long time, I hid in tent-sized clothing and long hair. Being beautiful was something I avoided!
Over the years, I have learned that
I have had to learn that hiding is not a service and not even a protection to myself. While I have grumbles...my tummy isn't flat, my breasts sag, my flubbies...I have also learned that isn't all that others see (or if it IS, then I don't want their shallowness in my life). I've learned that I DO turn others on with my body and my mind and my spirit. I've learned that it is okay to be beautiful.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Every Day...School
Day 14 - May 14
I have applied for admission to a local college. *raises eyebrow* Does that count? *laughs* My argument is that while I love school and love learning, I have put it OFF for...years. Excuses abound...I already have two degrees and a couple of certificates. I don't have the childcare. I don't have the money. I don't know what I'd study.
Excuses.
So, I took the first step and applied for admission. I plan to take 1-2 classes this summer and see how it goes.
I have applied for admission to a local college. *raises eyebrow* Does that count? *laughs* My argument is that while I love school and love learning, I have put it OFF for...years. Excuses abound...I already have two degrees and a couple of certificates. I don't have the childcare. I don't have the money. I don't know what I'd study.
Excuses.
So, I took the first step and applied for admission. I plan to take 1-2 classes this summer and see how it goes.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Every Day...Weaknesses
Day 13 - May 13
I recognize my lack of follow-through. Is that something kind to say? Maybe not...but it is a weakness I recognize and therefore I can work on, which is a big kindness.
So...I have problems with follow-through. I'd much rather lose myself in my book than scrub the floors, or work in the garden than keep up with the bathrooms. It's relatively easy to waste the day on the computer or in a thrift store. Even the best intentions for going out can be spoiled by "Well, Girl needs a nap" or "Boy is making this adventure into no fun at all."
So, I am seeking out help in those areas. Some ways that I can be accountable for getting stuff DONE. The one I regularly fall back on is getting other people involved...I'm MEETING So-n-So at the park, or M&C are coming to dinner. That's still external, though. I want to improve my INTERNAL accountability. Ideas are welcome...
I recognize my lack of follow-through. Is that something kind to say? Maybe not...but it is a weakness I recognize and therefore I can work on, which is a big kindness.
So...I have problems with follow-through. I'd much rather lose myself in my book than scrub the floors, or work in the garden than keep up with the bathrooms. It's relatively easy to waste the day on the computer or in a thrift store. Even the best intentions for going out can be spoiled by "Well, Girl needs a nap" or "Boy is making this adventure into no fun at all."
So, I am seeking out help in those areas. Some ways that I can be accountable for getting stuff DONE. The one I regularly fall back on is getting other people involved...I'm MEETING So-n-So at the park, or M&C are coming to dinner. That's still external, though. I want to improve my INTERNAL accountability. Ideas are welcome...
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Every Day...Thrifty
Day 12 - May 12
I am an economizer. Somehow, we have managed through the years, despite job losses, single incomes, and a growing family. We aren't debt-free...there's a mortgage, car loan, student loans, and some credit card debt...but progress is made and payments are almost always more than the minimum. I supplement with coupons, thrifting, and having a small garden. I go homemade instead of convenience. There's almost always MORE I could be doing...I'm looking into Kaya's homemade detergent and giving up my SoftScrub with bleach...but in general, I think we do pretty well.
I am an economizer. Somehow, we have managed through the years, despite job losses, single incomes, and a growing family. We aren't debt-free...there's a mortgage, car loan, student loans, and some credit card debt...but progress is made and payments are almost always more than the minimum. I supplement with coupons, thrifting, and having a small garden. I go homemade instead of convenience. There's almost always MORE I could be doing...I'm looking into Kaya's homemade detergent and giving up my SoftScrub with bleach...but in general, I think we do pretty well.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Every Day...Organized
Day 11 - May 11
*chuckles* One-third of the way through the month! Only 20 more "nice things" I have to come up with about myself.
I am reasonably organized. No, I'm not going to star on any television shows, but I have a good idea of where stuff is in the house. Wardrobes are labeled for seasons and sizes; all the library books can be found and turned in on time; the children understand that likes go with likes (ie, blocks in one box, guys in another); even when there are apparent RPJs (Random Piles of Junk), I usually know what is IN the pile.
That there is TOO MUCH stuff and I desperately need/want to purge is a different matter...right? :-P
*chuckles* One-third of the way through the month! Only 20 more "nice things" I have to come up with about myself.
I am reasonably organized. No, I'm not going to star on any television shows, but I have a good idea of where stuff is in the house. Wardrobes are labeled for seasons and sizes; all the library books can be found and turned in on time; the children understand that likes go with likes (ie, blocks in one box, guys in another); even when there are apparent RPJs (Random Piles of Junk), I usually know what is IN the pile.
That there is TOO MUCH stuff and I desperately need/want to purge is a different matter...right? :-P
Damn, but it sucks
Sometimes the best, most loving thing we can do is to step aside. We know that the choice will look like betrayal. We know it will hurt someone we love deeply.
We know it's the right choice. But damn, it sucks!
We know it's the right choice. But damn, it sucks!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Every Day...Considerate
Day 10 - May 10
Heh...almost didn't make it! But here I am with my kind thought about myself...
I take time to consider others. Maybe that is cheating, but not everyone does. I make sure I have favorite beverages or avoid certain foods for guests. I include non-family members in holiday celebrations, such as stockings for Santa to fill or a basket for the Bunny to visit. I try to provide intuitive service to anyone who enters my life. I am generally good at it and genuinely am fed by the service.
I accept that I need to work on considering MYSELF more often, if only to be more conscious of the time I do use for myself and not feel guilty about enjoying my book or working in the garden. *smiles* I am also working on taking people at face-value...trusting that when they offer, it is a sincere offer and not something I need to pay back in potlatch.
Heh...almost didn't make it! But here I am with my kind thought about myself...
I take time to consider others. Maybe that is cheating, but not everyone does. I make sure I have favorite beverages or avoid certain foods for guests. I include non-family members in holiday celebrations, such as stockings for Santa to fill or a basket for the Bunny to visit. I try to provide intuitive service to anyone who enters my life. I am generally good at it and genuinely am fed by the service.
I accept that I need to work on considering MYSELF more often, if only to be more conscious of the time I do use for myself and not feel guilty about enjoying my book or working in the garden. *smiles* I am also working on taking people at face-value...trusting that when they offer, it is a sincere offer and not something I need to pay back in potlatch.
Monday, May 9, 2011
SJW 2011
I have noted before that it is common that people write about Big Stuff and Bad Stuff...but that writing on the good things is less common. I think that is something to contemplate, because I have such a feeling of acceptance and peace right now. I've been watching tidbits of SJW posts appear on Fet though the day. I've been waiting for some quiet to "verbalize" what happened this weekend.
I was part of the core staff this year. That meant arriving Thursday and assisting with the site set-up, although that was practically a greased wheel. The part that was a little breath-taking was that I was so readily accepted by these amazing people whom I've held in awe for years. I was still feeling a little shy and nervous, and I was told to relax a little. *wry smile* I couldn't. Although I finally sat down and joined the conversations, I continued to roll wash clothes. When I was (rightfully) scolded for starting to fill tuppers, I wandered off to bed.
Friday morning arrived with fresh coffee and danishes and a shivery anticipation of SJW beginning. As people trickled in, I showed them to their rooms. It was so much fun to bring the new attendees through the lodge and hear them 'ooohhh' and 'ahhhh' at the surroundings. It is an awesome place that Kendell found for certain, but three years of returning, I noted places that could have used some more maintenance. I drifted through check-in, catching friends in hugs and squeals of glee, finding and introducing myself to my team.
SJW officially opens with a group meeting to cover general rules and event details. This year, the theme is "the masks we wear"...each participant was given a paper-mache mask and a Sharpie. We were to write things that we hide from the world on the inside...things that we need to work on. I knew immediately what I was going to write. We were to add to it through the next day or so.
After the group opening, we broke into our teams and I wasn't quite sure what to say. For me, SJW almost always brings more QUESTIONS than answers. As a team leader, I was supposed to be available...one stranger among all the strangers to turn to if things needed addressing. I tried to project earnest and welcome and comfort, and finally dismissed them to the first session.
I had benefited from bootblacking and intuitive service LAST year, so I sat in on the art of tea. We started with talking about the origin and types of tea, and then ventured into tea-tasting. I dodged out of the last third of the class to set up the "Spoil Someone Special" class in the pool.
The class went well. *wry smile* There are all KINDS of things that *I* wish had been different, but in general, the group of 26 (!) seemed to enjoy the offerings. As they soaked their feet in wading pools, I offered and encouraged suggestions for personalizing the space, the treatments, and the "aftercare" of spa-at-home opportunities. The peppermint foot salts were used and rinsed off in the pools. Then we did a baking soda hand scrub that surprised people with it's effects, followed by a honey-sugar lip treatment. Finally, we opened the lotion packs. Because we finished soooo early, I passed around the essential oils I had brought, explaining briefly how they could be used to personalize the lotion. It was just a fun class, although I hope that some of it will be actually used after the weekend.
Dinner was a fabulous feast of barbeque chicken and ribs, corn, baked beans, and salad, with cupcakes for dessert. It is the wonder of having a slave-to-a-chef on staff!
The evening was low-key. A lot of people, myself included, were tired from traveling. I turned in reasonably early.
Saturday morning began with yoga. While she might beg off as an amatuer, I was surprised to feel the stretch for the next couple of days. I would really like to get back in the habit of working out!!! Returning to the lodge, we were greeted with another feast, this time of buscuits, bacon, eggs, and fruit. YUMMMM!
I presented "Thrifty Treasures" four times in the next two hours. I had doubts about this class, because it is hard to verbalize what I consider a fun (and necessary) hobby. It's also a challenge because I spend a lot of TIME (all told) wandering thrift stores, and I have a lot of stores to choose from. I think people enjoyed it; at least one tip was repeated often enough to get back to me.
Of course, *I* missed the team meeting, much to the amusement of the team, and I got ribbed for mixing up my times, but they connected and checked in with each other, and I guess (I hope?) that was really the important piece. We ate lunch and then our team cleaned up. *laughs* It's funny to have 7 submissives trying to clean one kitchen. There was seriously NOTHING for me to do, other than occasionally direct.
After lunch cleanup, I settled in for the poly DISCUSSION. *sigh* I am very familiar with polyamory, and the setting for this session is just not ideal. Everyone has their own poignant background. Each person has a unique situation. It is, in my opinion, impossible to avoid offending SOMEONE. My faux pas this year was repeating another participant's analogy: primaries as 'broken down old trucks' and secondaries as 'new red Ferraris'. Ironically, it was a secondary who too objection to it. I *think* that the majority of the discussion was good, if somewhat limited to basic intro stuff. The discussion probably would have gone on for hours if there had been time. My co-leader said afterwards that even if we dedicated the whole weekend to the topic, it wouldn't be enough time.
We did the Ask-It-Basket for anonymous questions. Some were painful, some brutal, some were just light-hearted. Many of them applied to more than one person, which is a help. The next phase of the masks was presented: On the front, put things that we want to see in ourselves. Like a visionboard. There were crafty crap, some magazines, and whatever we could find to use available to help with this part.
Session IV is where I began to stumble. I probably *should* have taken a nap...that was what I *wanted* to do...but this was the only session Beloved and I had both agreed sounded interesting. So, I went to the session. When it wasn't what I was hoping for, and worse, gave me the sinking-stomach feeling, I *should* had gotten up and left...but I didn't because "that would be rude", "it would hurt the presenter's feelings", "the topic might drift into something I could use..." Yeah. By the end, I was tottering inside, and even asking for help, grabbing a shower, and eating a fantastic supper (shrimp and veggie kabobs and saffron rice!) didn't quell the distress.
I attended a presentation on spirituality, only half listening. The part that struck me was how myths are the greatest truth, because they are not ONE person's story but a story retold and adapted and passed on. I later incorporated that into my ideal self-concept.
The class ended on a meditative note, and I could feel the buildup inside. I disappeared to my bed and fell apart. I thought about journalling, but I couldn't verbalize the pains. I tried to work on the positive mask images and found nothing that resonnated with me. I called Beloved and he talked me down some. My roomies came in to prepare for the S&M tastes, and one stayed to talk. When I said I was just a little fish, she shook her head. "You are a shark, with some little suckers who feed on you, who you protect without even realizing it." A shark? Me? I mean I can see the second and third part...but a big fish? She told me she even reads my journal from time to time. I'm overwhelmed that I have 10 "signed-up" followers...but that there are more lurkers...??? wow...
An off-handed comment about the blank mask gave me enough permission to leave it. Instead, I lightly colored the lips and eyes, and I wrote around the very edge the things that I thought might be fulfilling. I was very pleased with the result.
I read a chapter of my book, losing myself to the quiet and giving myself permission to relax. I then wandered out to find my singer and apologize for missing her performance (which got huge applause and I heard was fantastic). I brought her my mask, which led to a couple of questions about the dichotomy I struggle with...and I went to pieces. Time lost meaning as I tried to explain, circling the questions I've asked myself so many times. She didn't accept my bluffs, delving for more truth. I lost myself, feeling small and childish. I screamed that it wasn't MY FAULT...that it's okay to be angry at *her* because it wasn't my fault. That rocked the world. Quietly, she told me it was okay to be mad. Minutes passed as I wept. Finally, the question came..."Her who?"
It's not a story that is unfamiliar...it's about my mom being diagnosed with cancer when I was 8, after managing through my sisters' and my father's surgeries. It's about stepping up and taking on the responsibilities of "head of household" before I was 12, and making adult choices when I was 14. It's about the agony and hurt and frustration of dealing with things that a kid should never, ever have to deal with.
Listening, completely open-hearted, with the detatched-social-worker-logic, she told me that this was no small thing. That it counts as severe emotional trauma. That people who experience this sort of thing often "get stuck" at that age. That perhaps the reason I have such a dichotomy is because I am fourteen...I never allowed myself the opportunity to explore and develop my sense of self that usually happens through the teen years. That I am trying to cope with all my experiences though the filter of a young teen who has faced some hard shit.
It was amazing!!! I wish I could explain...verbalize...how huge this is to me. Maybe it's obvious on the outside, but from the inside...I've been given a clue. I thought that I'd dealt with all this crap years and years ago, but maybe I haven't even scratched the surface. Maybe I AM struggling to define myself and my identity...not again...but for the first time! Maybe with help, I can address this and empty the closet, unlock my chains. Maybe there is hope after all!
These explosions are happening inside, but I don't know how to share the awesomeness of it. I flounder and said something about this gentle, loving friend being evil for causing that hurt. There was a wry laugh shared followed by hugs and I left the room.
I couldn't wait to tell Beloved about this breath-taking self-discovery, but it was edging on 1am. I compromised by texting him, figuring if he WAS still awake...HA! I'm glad he wasn't...he'd had his own dramas at home. I drifted of to sleep so at peace.
Sunday morning began with a dragging breakfast of biscuits, eggs, sausage, and yogurt. Most of us had been up too late the night before and the coffee went fast. Afterwards, we sat together for our group meeting at which we revealed something we HIDE, and what we want to BECOME.
I don't like that I don't like myself. I have a hard time letting go. These are things that I try to hide, sometimes by screaming them outloud, eh? *sigh* They are at least things I need to work on.
What I want to become? *smiles*
I am myself. I bring magic and possibility to all things. I am all that I dream and am capable of anything. I am mythic. I am Beloved's pixie.
It's written in a circle, so the phrases repeat, round and round, like a mantra. Although it is a mask, I hope it will become my mirror.
It was also announced that the founder and producer of SJW is stepping down. There were tears and choked sobs as she read the letter she had written us. The event has been passed into competent hands and will go on. Still, SJW was a dream. It takes a strong will to make a dream come true...and it takes a strong spirit to accept that your work is done and time has come to let go and move on.
Depending on the person, there were tears, laughter, ribbing, and hugs. The last meeting is always so powerful and so hard. Time is limited, though, so we break. It is joked that we usually have 20 minutes to pack, clean, and vacate the lodge. There are 35 submissives. Should we slow down?!? *laughs*
I checked the pool house and saw my sweet singer in tears on the porch. I knew exactly what had happened...she had taken my burden, my hurts, my misspoken words and been spiraling with them all night. I hugged her, kissed her, wiped her tears. I showed her the texts I had sent to Beloved before closing my eyes. I hope with all my heart that I can somehow convince her that Saturday night is a gift I treasure and will use to move forward. I am so sorry that it got mixed up!!! I think that she at least believed me when I said I loved her.
The cabin was given the all-clear. There are long goodbyes and plans made for lunch to draw out true parting as long as possible. The group I was with returned to The Old Mill. Being Mother's Day, several of us were graced with beautiful yellow roses. We joked, laughed, and at the end, I tried not to tear up.
As is always the case, I got lost between Pigeon Forge and Knoxville. I didn't get exactly frantic, but jeez, you'd think I'd LEARN after three years! *rolls eyes* I also had convinced myself that my plane was at 4pm, so pulling into the rental return at 3:27 had me pretty edgy. Pixie-magic, though...My plane wasn't until 5:23 AND the officer who flagged me for speeding only gave me a verbal warning.
So I arrived home, safe. Beloved picked me up, and we shared a long kiss. Girl was wriggling and all smiles when I got in the car...as if she couldn't believe I still existed. Boy was passed out from the hard weekend of play. *grins* I shared some of this on the way home, some curled up in bed, resting on Beloved's shoulder. I share now with you.
Every year, I have questioned whether I should attend SJW...because I'm not sure of my submissive position, because I am not confident I fit in. I don't think I will question any more. Someone (at some point during the weekend) said that "This IS home...you just have to go stay somewhere else 362 days a year." The family I have because of SJW is one that I am blessed and lucky to have. I hold them close in my heart, in my thoughts, and I miss many of them terribly until the next time...next year...that our paths take us again to the mountain.
I was part of the core staff this year. That meant arriving Thursday and assisting with the site set-up, although that was practically a greased wheel. The part that was a little breath-taking was that I was so readily accepted by these amazing people whom I've held in awe for years. I was still feeling a little shy and nervous, and I was told to relax a little. *wry smile* I couldn't. Although I finally sat down and joined the conversations, I continued to roll wash clothes. When I was (rightfully) scolded for starting to fill tuppers, I wandered off to bed.
Friday morning arrived with fresh coffee and danishes and a shivery anticipation of SJW beginning. As people trickled in, I showed them to their rooms. It was so much fun to bring the new attendees through the lodge and hear them 'ooohhh' and 'ahhhh' at the surroundings. It is an awesome place that Kendell found for certain, but three years of returning, I noted places that could have used some more maintenance. I drifted through check-in, catching friends in hugs and squeals of glee, finding and introducing myself to my team.
SJW officially opens with a group meeting to cover general rules and event details. This year, the theme is "the masks we wear"...each participant was given a paper-mache mask and a Sharpie. We were to write things that we hide from the world on the inside...things that we need to work on. I knew immediately what I was going to write. We were to add to it through the next day or so.
After the group opening, we broke into our teams and I wasn't quite sure what to say. For me, SJW almost always brings more QUESTIONS than answers. As a team leader, I was supposed to be available...one stranger among all the strangers to turn to if things needed addressing. I tried to project earnest and welcome and comfort, and finally dismissed them to the first session.
I had benefited from bootblacking and intuitive service LAST year, so I sat in on the art of tea. We started with talking about the origin and types of tea, and then ventured into tea-tasting. I dodged out of the last third of the class to set up the "Spoil Someone Special" class in the pool.
The class went well. *wry smile* There are all KINDS of things that *I* wish had been different, but in general, the group of 26 (!) seemed to enjoy the offerings. As they soaked their feet in wading pools, I offered and encouraged suggestions for personalizing the space, the treatments, and the "aftercare" of spa-at-home opportunities. The peppermint foot salts were used and rinsed off in the pools. Then we did a baking soda hand scrub that surprised people with it's effects, followed by a honey-sugar lip treatment. Finally, we opened the lotion packs. Because we finished soooo early, I passed around the essential oils I had brought, explaining briefly how they could be used to personalize the lotion. It was just a fun class, although I hope that some of it will be actually used after the weekend.
Dinner was a fabulous feast of barbeque chicken and ribs, corn, baked beans, and salad, with cupcakes for dessert. It is the wonder of having a slave-to-a-chef on staff!
The evening was low-key. A lot of people, myself included, were tired from traveling. I turned in reasonably early.
Saturday morning began with yoga. While she might beg off as an amatuer, I was surprised to feel the stretch for the next couple of days. I would really like to get back in the habit of working out!!! Returning to the lodge, we were greeted with another feast, this time of buscuits, bacon, eggs, and fruit. YUMMMM!
I presented "Thrifty Treasures" four times in the next two hours. I had doubts about this class, because it is hard to verbalize what I consider a fun (and necessary) hobby. It's also a challenge because I spend a lot of TIME (all told) wandering thrift stores, and I have a lot of stores to choose from. I think people enjoyed it; at least one tip was repeated often enough to get back to me.
Of course, *I* missed the team meeting, much to the amusement of the team, and I got ribbed for mixing up my times, but they connected and checked in with each other, and I guess (I hope?) that was really the important piece. We ate lunch and then our team cleaned up. *laughs* It's funny to have 7 submissives trying to clean one kitchen. There was seriously NOTHING for me to do, other than occasionally direct.
After lunch cleanup, I settled in for the poly DISCUSSION. *sigh* I am very familiar with polyamory, and the setting for this session is just not ideal. Everyone has their own poignant background. Each person has a unique situation. It is, in my opinion, impossible to avoid offending SOMEONE. My faux pas this year was repeating another participant's analogy: primaries as 'broken down old trucks' and secondaries as 'new red Ferraris'. Ironically, it was a secondary who too objection to it. I *think* that the majority of the discussion was good, if somewhat limited to basic intro stuff. The discussion probably would have gone on for hours if there had been time. My co-leader said afterwards that even if we dedicated the whole weekend to the topic, it wouldn't be enough time.
We did the Ask-It-Basket for anonymous questions. Some were painful, some brutal, some were just light-hearted. Many of them applied to more than one person, which is a help. The next phase of the masks was presented: On the front, put things that we want to see in ourselves. Like a visionboard. There were crafty crap, some magazines, and whatever we could find to use available to help with this part.
Session IV is where I began to stumble. I probably *should* have taken a nap...that was what I *wanted* to do...but this was the only session Beloved and I had both agreed sounded interesting. So, I went to the session. When it wasn't what I was hoping for, and worse, gave me the sinking-stomach feeling, I *should* had gotten up and left...but I didn't because "that would be rude", "it would hurt the presenter's feelings", "the topic might drift into something I could use..." Yeah. By the end, I was tottering inside, and even asking for help, grabbing a shower, and eating a fantastic supper (shrimp and veggie kabobs and saffron rice!) didn't quell the distress.
I attended a presentation on spirituality, only half listening. The part that struck me was how myths are the greatest truth, because they are not ONE person's story but a story retold and adapted and passed on. I later incorporated that into my ideal self-concept.
The class ended on a meditative note, and I could feel the buildup inside. I disappeared to my bed and fell apart. I thought about journalling, but I couldn't verbalize the pains. I tried to work on the positive mask images and found nothing that resonnated with me. I called Beloved and he talked me down some. My roomies came in to prepare for the S&M tastes, and one stayed to talk. When I said I was just a little fish, she shook her head. "You are a shark, with some little suckers who feed on you, who you protect without even realizing it." A shark? Me? I mean I can see the second and third part...but a big fish? She told me she even reads my journal from time to time. I'm overwhelmed that I have 10 "signed-up" followers...but that there are more lurkers...??? wow...
An off-handed comment about the blank mask gave me enough permission to leave it. Instead, I lightly colored the lips and eyes, and I wrote around the very edge the things that I thought might be fulfilling. I was very pleased with the result.
I read a chapter of my book, losing myself to the quiet and giving myself permission to relax. I then wandered out to find my singer and apologize for missing her performance (which got huge applause and I heard was fantastic). I brought her my mask, which led to a couple of questions about the dichotomy I struggle with...and I went to pieces. Time lost meaning as I tried to explain, circling the questions I've asked myself so many times. She didn't accept my bluffs, delving for more truth. I lost myself, feeling small and childish. I screamed that it wasn't MY FAULT...that it's okay to be angry at *her* because it wasn't my fault. That rocked the world. Quietly, she told me it was okay to be mad. Minutes passed as I wept. Finally, the question came..."Her who?"
It's not a story that is unfamiliar...it's about my mom being diagnosed with cancer when I was 8, after managing through my sisters' and my father's surgeries. It's about stepping up and taking on the responsibilities of "head of household" before I was 12, and making adult choices when I was 14. It's about the agony and hurt and frustration of dealing with things that a kid should never, ever have to deal with.
Listening, completely open-hearted, with the detatched-social-worker-logic, she told me that this was no small thing. That it counts as severe emotional trauma. That people who experience this sort of thing often "get stuck" at that age. That perhaps the reason I have such a dichotomy is because I am fourteen...I never allowed myself the opportunity to explore and develop my sense of self that usually happens through the teen years. That I am trying to cope with all my experiences though the filter of a young teen who has faced some hard shit.
It was amazing!!! I wish I could explain...verbalize...how huge this is to me. Maybe it's obvious on the outside, but from the inside...I've been given a clue. I thought that I'd dealt with all this crap years and years ago, but maybe I haven't even scratched the surface. Maybe I AM struggling to define myself and my identity...not again...but for the first time! Maybe with help, I can address this and empty the closet, unlock my chains. Maybe there is hope after all!
These explosions are happening inside, but I don't know how to share the awesomeness of it. I flounder and said something about this gentle, loving friend being evil for causing that hurt. There was a wry laugh shared followed by hugs and I left the room.
I couldn't wait to tell Beloved about this breath-taking self-discovery, but it was edging on 1am. I compromised by texting him, figuring if he WAS still awake...HA! I'm glad he wasn't...he'd had his own dramas at home. I drifted of to sleep so at peace.
Sunday morning began with a dragging breakfast of biscuits, eggs, sausage, and yogurt. Most of us had been up too late the night before and the coffee went fast. Afterwards, we sat together for our group meeting at which we revealed something we HIDE, and what we want to BECOME.
I don't like that I don't like myself. I have a hard time letting go. These are things that I try to hide, sometimes by screaming them outloud, eh? *sigh* They are at least things I need to work on.
What I want to become? *smiles*
I am myself. I bring magic and possibility to all things. I am all that I dream and am capable of anything. I am mythic. I am Beloved's pixie.
It's written in a circle, so the phrases repeat, round and round, like a mantra. Although it is a mask, I hope it will become my mirror.
It was also announced that the founder and producer of SJW is stepping down. There were tears and choked sobs as she read the letter she had written us. The event has been passed into competent hands and will go on. Still, SJW was a dream. It takes a strong will to make a dream come true...and it takes a strong spirit to accept that your work is done and time has come to let go and move on.
Depending on the person, there were tears, laughter, ribbing, and hugs. The last meeting is always so powerful and so hard. Time is limited, though, so we break. It is joked that we usually have 20 minutes to pack, clean, and vacate the lodge. There are 35 submissives. Should we slow down?!? *laughs*
I checked the pool house and saw my sweet singer in tears on the porch. I knew exactly what had happened...she had taken my burden, my hurts, my misspoken words and been spiraling with them all night. I hugged her, kissed her, wiped her tears. I showed her the texts I had sent to Beloved before closing my eyes. I hope with all my heart that I can somehow convince her that Saturday night is a gift I treasure and will use to move forward. I am so sorry that it got mixed up!!! I think that she at least believed me when I said I loved her.
The cabin was given the all-clear. There are long goodbyes and plans made for lunch to draw out true parting as long as possible. The group I was with returned to The Old Mill. Being Mother's Day, several of us were graced with beautiful yellow roses. We joked, laughed, and at the end, I tried not to tear up.
As is always the case, I got lost between Pigeon Forge and Knoxville. I didn't get exactly frantic, but jeez, you'd think I'd LEARN after three years! *rolls eyes* I also had convinced myself that my plane was at 4pm, so pulling into the rental return at 3:27 had me pretty edgy. Pixie-magic, though...My plane wasn't until 5:23 AND the officer who flagged me for speeding only gave me a verbal warning.
So I arrived home, safe. Beloved picked me up, and we shared a long kiss. Girl was wriggling and all smiles when I got in the car...as if she couldn't believe I still existed. Boy was passed out from the hard weekend of play. *grins* I shared some of this on the way home, some curled up in bed, resting on Beloved's shoulder. I share now with you.
Every year, I have questioned whether I should attend SJW...because I'm not sure of my submissive position, because I am not confident I fit in. I don't think I will question any more. Someone (at some point during the weekend) said that "This IS home...you just have to go stay somewhere else 362 days a year." The family I have because of SJW is one that I am blessed and lucky to have. I hold them close in my heart, in my thoughts, and I miss many of them terribly until the next time...next year...that our paths take us again to the mountain.
Every Day...Strong
Day 9 - May 9
I am strong. Physically, I often surprise people with my ability to move tables, haul rocks, pull saplings. I can carry both my children, one on each hip, upstairs when they are asleep. I can handle 80lb bags of mortar-mix day-after-day.
Emotionally, I have endured pain and loss and abuse, but I have not become a victim. I can share my heart without fear of losing myself to love. I am (re-)learning Joy and Grace.
Mentally, I am sharp. I belittle my math skills, but I also know that I CAN figure out measurements, conversions. I have a long memory and retain little details that allow me to serve and surprise others. I am smart and have book-learning, and I have commonsense streetsmarts.
Spiritually, I have forged my own path. From the time I was young, I have questioned the authority of traditional spiritual leaders and sought out friendships with those who welcome my ponderances. I seek to touch and communicate with the Universe, God, Great Spirit, and I am open to being called into service.
At the same time, I am learning the strength there is in weakness. I am learning to accept that "Even Wonder Woman needs helps sometimes". I am getting better about asking for help and accepting help when it is offered. I acknowledge my need for alone-time when I am feeling "stung." I know I still sometimes need to be dragged away, chained to the bed, and given permission to be "weak", but I am beginning to recognize the relief that washes over me in those times.
Sometimes it is through our weaknesses that we are the strongest.
I am strong. Physically, I often surprise people with my ability to move tables, haul rocks, pull saplings. I can carry both my children, one on each hip, upstairs when they are asleep. I can handle 80lb bags of mortar-mix day-after-day.
Emotionally, I have endured pain and loss and abuse, but I have not become a victim. I can share my heart without fear of losing myself to love. I am (re-)learning Joy and Grace.
Mentally, I am sharp. I belittle my math skills, but I also know that I CAN figure out measurements, conversions. I have a long memory and retain little details that allow me to serve and surprise others. I am smart and have book-learning, and I have commonsense streetsmarts.
Spiritually, I have forged my own path. From the time I was young, I have questioned the authority of traditional spiritual leaders and sought out friendships with those who welcome my ponderances. I seek to touch and communicate with the Universe, God, Great Spirit, and I am open to being called into service.
At the same time, I am learning the strength there is in weakness. I am learning to accept that "Even Wonder Woman needs helps sometimes". I am getting better about asking for help and accepting help when it is offered. I acknowledge my need for alone-time when I am feeling "stung." I know I still sometimes need to be dragged away, chained to the bed, and given permission to be "weak", but I am beginning to recognize the relief that washes over me in those times.
Sometimes it is through our weaknesses that we are the strongest.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Every Day...Mom
Day 8 - May 8
Here is a hard one...I AM A GOOD MOM!!!
Even typing it, I am getting a little choked up and teary-eyed, but damn it, I AM! My kids are friendly and smart and kind and curious and creative and polite. They share their candy and their toys with others. They bring smiles and laughter to the world around them. They are good eaters and self-starters.
They aren't perfect...cause who wants to be perfect and they are normal kids...but they are wonderful and they meet expectations when it's important.
And they are all of that because I have taught them how to be that. Because I am a good mom!
Happy Mother's Day to all the mommas out there!
Here is a hard one...I AM A GOOD MOM!!!
Even typing it, I am getting a little choked up and teary-eyed, but damn it, I AM! My kids are friendly and smart and kind and curious and creative and polite. They share their candy and their toys with others. They bring smiles and laughter to the world around them. They are good eaters and self-starters.
They aren't perfect...cause who wants to be perfect and they are normal kids...but they are wonderful and they meet expectations when it's important.
And they are all of that because I have taught them how to be that. Because I am a good mom!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Every Day...Magical
Day 7 - May 7
I believe in magic. It isn't the same as when I was a kid and saw David Cooperfield make the Statue of Liberty disappear. It isn't the same as when I was fresh out of college and thought I could remake the world by entering politics (shhh! I know! But geeeez, let a girl dream, okay?!).
No...my magic today is in making things POSSIBLE. Maybe not *probable*...but POSSIBLE. I can put my requests out to the Universe and often enough, I am able to coax enough magic into making it happen...eventually. *wink* Because I AM a pixie, after all!
I believe in magic. It isn't the same as when I was a kid and saw David Cooperfield make the Statue of Liberty disappear. It isn't the same as when I was fresh out of college and thought I could remake the world by entering politics (shhh! I know! But geeeez, let a girl dream, okay?!).
No...my magic today is in making things POSSIBLE. Maybe not *probable*...but POSSIBLE. I can put my requests out to the Universe and often enough, I am able to coax enough magic into making it happen...eventually. *wink* Because I AM a pixie, after all!
Friday, May 6, 2011
Every Day...Cook
Day 6 - May 6
I am a good cook. Everyone says so, and I regularly turn aside the compliment with "Oh, it's easy..." "It wasn't *quite* what I expected..." But I AM a good cook.
I know enough about spices and flavors that I can usually pick out a recipe that would be suitable for my guests' preferences. I can open the cupboards and "come up with" a dinner menu on the fly. I have no problem serving 2-3 or 20-30. I am versatile in methods, cuisine, and resources. It's a pretty awesome talent to have!
I am a good cook. Everyone says so, and I regularly turn aside the compliment with "Oh, it's easy..." "It wasn't *quite* what I expected..." But I AM a good cook.
I know enough about spices and flavors that I can usually pick out a recipe that would be suitable for my guests' preferences. I can open the cupboards and "come up with" a dinner menu on the fly. I have no problem serving 2-3 or 20-30. I am versatile in methods, cuisine, and resources. It's a pretty awesome talent to have!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Every Day...Service
Day 5 - May 5
I give back to the community, as much as I can. Sometimes it is as simple as donating blood and other times it is as complex coordinating a rescue mission for a friend's friend. I try to participate actively in the world around me with the goal of improving it. This is a deep piece of who I am...I am a person who gives my services.
(haha! I managed to get my "every day" posts scheduled before I left, too!)
I give back to the community, as much as I can. Sometimes it is as simple as donating blood and other times it is as complex coordinating a rescue mission for a friend's friend. I try to participate actively in the world around me with the goal of improving it. This is a deep piece of who I am...I am a person who gives my services.
(haha! I managed to get my "every day" posts scheduled before I left, too!)
Here I gooooooo.......Off to SJW!!!
Maybe it's not "second star on the right and straight on 'til morning", but I am flying off to Submissive Journey Weekend 2011. I did end up getting a hair trim and re-dying it a reddish-dark brown. I managed to get the grass cut, the laundry done, the bills paid, and the childcare scheduled...all before I left. I *think* I am heading out with a better mindset for presenting that I had last year...and I *think* I'm better prepared.
Part of me wishes I was driving...keeping myself limited to a single carry-on is both a boon (cause it's three days and I'd overpack otherwise) and a bane (cause I'd love to bring my drums and my yoga mat and all my essential oils and...)
But today is the day! I'm probably already gone by the time you get to reading this. "See" ya next week!
Part of me wishes I was driving...keeping myself limited to a single carry-on is both a boon (cause it's three days and I'd overpack otherwise) and a bane (cause I'd love to bring my drums and my yoga mat and all my essential oils and...)
But today is the day! I'm probably already gone by the time you get to reading this. "See" ya next week!
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Every Day...REAL
Day 4 - May 4
I am REAL. Yes, I am a pixie and often considered fictional or a figment of imagination, but I'm real. *wry smile* Actually, what I meant is that I try not to sugar-coat my existence. Life is full of ups and downs; I have my own battle with dysthymia. I often feel like a very negative person when I don't mean to be...but it is all very REAL. There is no "right" or "wrong" to feelings! Maybe my feelings to match up perfectly with my logic (or vice versa!), but it is how I'm feeling in the moment.
Sometimes I worry about how people will interpret what I've written...or how the people I am close with will react to what I have to say. Sometimes I have been tempted to edit my entry because of this...sometimes I have given in to that pressure. But even that is part of being REAL. I try to keep Dr. Suess' quote in my every day...
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
I am REAL. Yes, I am a pixie and often considered fictional or a figment of imagination, but I'm real. *wry smile* Actually, what I meant is that I try not to sugar-coat my existence. Life is full of ups and downs; I have my own battle with dysthymia. I often feel like a very negative person when I don't mean to be...but it is all very REAL. There is no "right" or "wrong" to feelings! Maybe my feelings to match up perfectly with my logic (or vice versa!), but it is how I'm feeling in the moment.
Sometimes I worry about how people will interpret what I've written...or how the people I am close with will react to what I have to say. Sometimes I have been tempted to edit my entry because of this...sometimes I have given in to that pressure. But even that is part of being REAL. I try to keep Dr. Suess' quote in my every day...
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
BLAHS and Doldrums
we loiter a while, and dawdle again.
We gather our strength to start anew
on all of the loafing and lounging we still have left to do.
So don't say there's nothing to do in the doldrums, it's just not true.
It's kind of amazing how quickly my motivation can be sapped. I was supposed to have this afternoon to get everything in order...pack, chores, presentations. But the babysitter's kids got diagnosed with pinkeye, so I am not "free" to work as I had hoped. Still...I should be able to get SOME stuff done, right?
But I have a case of the BLAHS (Bother w/ Life And Household Stuff). Maybe if I could accomplish something, I could kick out of the rut...I guess I'll go strip the bed and see if that helps. *wrinkles nose*
Every Day...Finances
Day 3 - May 3
I got all the bills paid...there are a couple I am ahead on, and I even CLOSED one of the credit card accounts!!! I totally ROCK!
I got all the bills paid...there are a couple I am ahead on, and I even CLOSED one of the credit card accounts!!! I totally ROCK!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Every Day...Love
Day 2 - May 2
Today began a little on the groggy side. I ran out to Walgreens at 3am to get Boy more medicine because his allergy-cough is fired up with Spring. Beloved kindly let me sleep as long as he could...would have let me sleep longer if I hadn't gotten up to help him hurry out the door. *smiles* I am so lucky to have him!
Once I got moving, I started on the bedroom...getting stuff sorted and put away. It got me looking (again) at all the accumulated STUFF in the house. I am debating on a garage sale or just trying to list it as "large box of 3-6 month spring clothes" on craigslist. That might be the better direction since I can list stuff as I get through it instead of trying to organize it all for a 3-day bonanza that we really don't have time for anyway. *laughs*
I have so many friends and family and plans and hopes for the summer! I am heading to Tennessee this weekend. I want to get up to Friendship & Sturgeon Bay, WI. I want to get in a camping trip with Rain and AM, possibly another with Malifeo. Dare I aim for some time at ShadoKnight's hide-away, too? I have the Komen Walk. There's the monthly drum circles, kids' camps, and trips to the beach. There's the garden. I'm hoping to (re-)connect with Tamin-Lady and drag SSQ into the loop more.
I was thinking about The Future this morning, too. Maybe the big programs are full, but I bet I wouldn't have any trouble getting back to my alma mater and pursuing dual biology/geology masters so I could teach at the college levels. I already HAVE experience in a classroom, which might help in that direction, too.
Today began a little on the groggy side. I ran out to Walgreens at 3am to get Boy more medicine because his allergy-cough is fired up with Spring. Beloved kindly let me sleep as long as he could...would have let me sleep longer if I hadn't gotten up to help him hurry out the door. *smiles* I am so lucky to have him!
Once I got moving, I started on the bedroom...getting stuff sorted and put away. It got me looking (again) at all the accumulated STUFF in the house. I am debating on a garage sale or just trying to list it as "large box of 3-6 month spring clothes" on craigslist. That might be the better direction since I can list stuff as I get through it instead of trying to organize it all for a 3-day bonanza that we really don't have time for anyway. *laughs*
I have so many friends and family and plans and hopes for the summer! I am heading to Tennessee this weekend. I want to get up to Friendship & Sturgeon Bay, WI. I want to get in a camping trip with Rain and AM, possibly another with Malifeo. Dare I aim for some time at ShadoKnight's hide-away, too? I have the Komen Walk. There's the monthly drum circles, kids' camps, and trips to the beach. There's the garden. I'm hoping to (re-)connect with Tamin-Lady and drag SSQ into the loop more.
I was thinking about The Future this morning, too. Maybe the big programs are full, but I bet I wouldn't have any trouble getting back to my alma mater and pursuing dual biology/geology masters so I could teach at the college levels. I already HAVE experience in a classroom, which might help in that direction, too.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Every Day for Thirty Days...Garden
I'm grabbing this from mercurialmuse because I think it's something I would definitely benefit from...
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“everyday for 30 days… write something kind about yourself.. something that you like about yourself… that has nothing to do with your outer shell.”
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Day 1 - May 1
I woke up today to the sun shining. I slipped out of bed, hoping to give Beloved the chance to sleep in. I don't know what time he came to bed, but I know *I* passed out on him...
I'm excited about the weather finally getting nice. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens in the garden. I've worked really really hard this spring. *chuckles* yes, I'm biting the buuuutttt!
Beloved made a joke about wife-swapping...let Rain come and be a stay-at-home mom for two years, and I'd go live with AM in Philly so I could attend Widener University. *sigh* I know he said it as a joke, and I think he was disappointed that I actually mulled it over. Rain's a sweet girl, but she needs "training" in the classroom of Life. AM does too, but I wouldn't also have to raise the kids. Definitely not a balanced swap! Still...I can't help but wonder if publicity of the thing wouldn't pay off our debts... *laughs*
To be honest, though, I haven't really decided about what I want to do. I know I'm worth a lot more than $10-12/hr, so a basic office admin isn't going to cut it. ShadoKnight and I joked about my taking over his landscaping work, if he was actually going to pay someone to do that, but there's a point when something you love becomes a JOB, and that sucks. Besides, I think his Lady might be a little miffed if I started remaking...MARKING...the property. *wink*
I think that school is probably my best bet, and I like school, I just don't know what I wanna do when I grow up. *taps foot* It looks like most of the programs that are of IMMEDIATE interest had application deadlines of December 2010, although space might open up...
I'm debating on my hair. I haven't washed it yet because I think I should redye it before SJW, but it's such a hassle trying to keep up with it. Maybe I'll get a hair cut first...see if they can come up with a solution for my fly-away short hairs. THAT is really my frustration, not the silver...
Four days to decide...! Yikes!!!
********************************************************
“everyday for 30 days… write something kind about yourself.. something that you like about yourself… that has nothing to do with your outer shell.”
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Day 1 - May 1
I woke up today to the sun shining. I slipped out of bed, hoping to give Beloved the chance to sleep in. I don't know what time he came to bed, but I know *I* passed out on him...
I'm excited about the weather finally getting nice. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens in the garden. I've worked really really hard this spring. *chuckles* yes, I'm biting the buuuutttt!
Beloved made a joke about wife-swapping...let Rain come and be a stay-at-home mom for two years, and I'd go live with AM in Philly so I could attend Widener University. *sigh* I know he said it as a joke, and I think he was disappointed that I actually mulled it over. Rain's a sweet girl, but she needs "training" in the classroom of Life. AM does too, but I wouldn't also have to raise the kids. Definitely not a balanced swap! Still...I can't help but wonder if publicity of the thing wouldn't pay off our debts... *laughs*
To be honest, though, I haven't really decided about what I want to do. I know I'm worth a lot more than $10-12/hr, so a basic office admin isn't going to cut it. ShadoKnight and I joked about my taking over his landscaping work, if he was actually going to pay someone to do that, but there's a point when something you love becomes a JOB, and that sucks. Besides, I think his Lady might be a little miffed if I started remaking...MARKING...the property. *wink*
I think that school is probably my best bet, and I like school, I just don't know what I wanna do when I grow up. *taps foot* It looks like most of the programs that are of IMMEDIATE interest had application deadlines of December 2010, although space might open up...
I'm debating on my hair. I haven't washed it yet because I think I should redye it before SJW, but it's such a hassle trying to keep up with it. Maybe I'll get a hair cut first...see if they can come up with a solution for my fly-away short hairs. THAT is really my frustration, not the silver...
Four days to decide...! Yikes!!!
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