Happy Birthday!

It's Beloved's birthday today.

I wish I had some way to express the awe and love I have for this man. This man who patiently, painstakingly, converted a victim into a vixen. This man who treats me like his princess and plaything. This man who has changed my life many times over.

What words can really say what I have inside me? I'm at a loss...all I can say is I love you, I love you, I love you!

Carpets and poker...

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Something amazing

Hi...yeah, I know I've been gone a while. A lot has gone on, and I'm not going to fill in the details.

What brought me back was a cry for help from someone else. In a few hours, we rallied people to create a (hopefully) safe situation, despite a workday, despite complications. We will make it happen.

THAT is something I love and appreciate about "lifestyle"...the way people come together when a cry goes out. The cry may be for help or it may be for celebration, it doesn't matter. We are there, in good times and bad. thank you!

What do you want?

My love, you came down and I was typing a story. You asked what kind of story and I replied, MY story. It boils down to someone asking what it is I want. I've dodge the question often enough, but right now, I'm a little buzzy from the mojito. *smirks* I didn't even finish mine! Anyway, I'm answering the question for YOU.

Being the naughty flirty pixie that I can be...and loving, adoring to cause trouble while I am safe behind a screen...I have been asked by different guys what it is I want. To really explain it, I have to go back to the beginning of my journey.

Three years ago, I snidely answered Halder's craigslist posting asking if anyone knew about the Code d' Odalisque. I looked it up. It was the fantasy pleasure slave, kept and reserved for sexual pleasure. One of her perfected artforms was cockworship. I was mesmerized. At the time, I was a new stay at home mom with an infant, overwhelmed with life changes, hormones, and loneliness. I imagined being swept away, a nursemaid to take the babe, a cleaning service for the house, and all I had to do was be prepared to pleasure my lover at any and all time.

Sadly, the reality was that I was STILL a new mom, STILL home, and there were STILL laundry and chores and meals. Nothing really changed, except I wore a collar and called myself "slave". (I have always called you Beloved online...it was simply lengthened to "Beloved Master".)

After three years and another child, we both decided it wasn't working the way of the fantasy. Your mother's health, the kids being in the "terrible toddler" stages, our own needs...they didn't fit into the D/s relationship we imagined and we didn't really have the time or interest to figure our own thing out. So, we dissolved it, agreeing we were still free to consider other opportunities.

Being pixie, I have cheerfully teased and flaunted and strut my mischief online, and I have been asked, What do you want?

soft smile I remember the other day when you were explaining JB's intimidation of dating me...or rather, setting up a date. That is the beginning of what I want. I don't want to be in charge. I don't want to be asked or expected to do the chores or handle whiny kids. I want to be whisked away from my whole world, just for an evening, a night, a weekend. I want to dress up and be taken out, even if it's just to the diner down the street, shown off. I want to be the girl that makes beautiful women enviously scoff at "the hussy" and make every man wish to be in your place. And then I want to be the goddess of your dreams, on my knees, willing to pleasure you however you wish. Rough, gently, kinky, slutty, sensual. I want to be the one you remember for the rest of your life...not just some lay you fucked, but the woman who was your universe...the pixie who appeared magically and mysteriously disappeared into time.

laughs How's that for a fantasy of what I want?

why?

I've been flattered by some comments over the last couple of months. Things like:
"You have far more of an impact on people than I think you realize..."
"We are so going to miss you, in more ways than you know."
"I learned so much from you, and it was all from peripheral contact..."


I guess I have some issues with low self-esteem or self-worth or something. I keep wondering what others see in me. I do not understand. I feel like such an outsider when it comes to groups...even the groups that *I* start! How is it that have an impact on people if I am so isolated and alone inside? What is it that you see that I don't???

*sigh* I don't really expect answers...I've asked this before and maybe I need someone with a sledgehammer to pound it into my head...but if you're reading this, well, clue me in. WHY?

Definitions

Submissive:

* inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient
* marked by or indicating submission

Submit:

* to yield oneself to the power or authority of another: to submit to a conqueror.
* to allow oneself to be subjected to some kind of treatment: to submit to chemotherapy.
* to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision, etc.

*sigh* WTF. That's pretty much the summation of my thoughts on the whole thing. I am NOT "unresisting or humbly obedient". I'm not so good at accepting another's judgment. I certainly don't "yield" myself to an authority. In point of fact, expressing authority is the FASTEST way to being out my inner bitch...

So why do I struggle with this desire to BE a submissive? What is it? Am I imagining some wonderful fairyland where the submissive is free of responsibility? Have I fallen for the idea that the sex is amazing? Is it the "proof" that a relationship is so deep and trusting?

Beloved and I have spent the last hour lost in translation. We're both sleep-deprived and (desperately) trying to be gentle and supportive when we both just want to lash out, scream, yell, and tantrum about how fricken HARD it is to have a newborn...

It's been over a year now since Beloved and I played with any kind of regularity. I take the majority of the blame for that...between the mess I made with Cole and the pregnancy complications it just hasn't been a part of our lives. Four weeks ago, because I was having surgery, Beloved had to cut the cord of my collar.

Did things change? No. Like I said, we haven't really been D/s for a year now. Do I miss it? That's hard to answer.

My purpose, my focus right now is two children. My children. Nothing could be greater than that, right? I'm supposed to be enamoured and inspired by these two little miracles of life.

I do love them...but...

*sigh*

UberDom and UberDomme. I submit to their needs, whims, cries, and laughs. I try to fulfill their every waking hour with loving care and attendance. I want to see them succeed and grow and amaze everyone the way they amaze me...

but...

I'm becoming "the mom"...and I am losing myself in the process.

Submissive Journal Prompts

LunaKM asks, "Are you ever jealous of time your {primary} spends with other partners in the relationship? How do you cope with that?"

The question has been asked of me by different people in different relationships. My answer is that sometimes I DO get jealous, but that jealousy is a signal to me to examine what is going on in ME.

Beloved and I have a strong friendship and a deep marriage. We've had a lot of roller coasters to get here and the ride isn't half over yet, but I do not have any doubt that Beloved is "coming home" to me and the children. If I am feeling jealous, I need to look at the reasons for it. Most often, it is because I am over-tired and stressed out with the children and I am missing the relief Beloved offers when he walks in that door. In that case, the simple solution is to take advantage of the "free" evening by catching some more sleep.

Easier said than done, though. The prospect of going to sleep alone in the big bed is not one either one of us relish. Beloved has in fact slept on the couch on one or two occasions that I have overnighted somewhere, and I often indulge Boy (and soon Girl, when she's not so likely to fall out) by allowing them to sleep with me. Or I rearrange the pillows so that I can cuddle up against Beloved's scent. Maybe that is a dodge, a bandaide, but it works for us.

Sometimes, I will very clearly ask that a particular date be set aside for US. That has bitten me in the ass a couple of times when I put so much importance on an event that is subject to {childcare, finances, energy}. Sometimes it's a real let down when things fail to go my way and I sulk for a while.

Sometimes, I indulge in naughty chats with strangers, flirting and making THEM jealous of Beloved and bolster my self-esteem by being desirable and unattainable. I enjoy that high quite a bit.

Sometimes, I vent my emotions in chores around the house. That is occasionally correctly interpreted by Beloved as "pixie needs some attention"...sometimes not. That is a tricky navigation, because in that case *I* am not communicating with Beloved the way I should. Maybe that is a warning to you...if you find yourself hoping your primary will notice something, you should TELL them. Maybe leave a note ("Could you look at ABC before you come to bed?"). *sigh* That seems like a leading question, and it is...it is a plea-code for "NOTICE ME AND REMIND ME YOU LOVE ME!" I don't have the perfect answer, because I do fall into this pattern, but being aware helps.

Do you have other coping mechanisms for when your partner is gallivanting the countryside?

Oh Me So Horny

*smirks* They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Beloved being away for a few days (and being mid-cycle myself) had a decidedly heightened effect. He played a little rough Sunday morning (as in 2am) and that sated me a bit... But Monday, I was feeling playfully randy so I showered and trimmed and dressed up in pig-tails and a school girl skirt. Nothing happened until this morning, but Beloved determinedly locked the bedroom door and took his time and it was wonderful.

Only hours later, I'm wondering if he will do it again tonight...*sigh* I can be such a cock whore sometimes.

Surprise! You aren't alone...

Yesterday, I learned that someone I admire and respect and have thought of as a model slave was just released. My jaw dropped. Really? YOU? HIM? huh. wow.

I guess I've been aware of underlying stresses and agonies, but just thought that this particular Master and slave couple could overcome anything. It turns out they are human, too. I'm sad for them; I know that the M/s relationship is serious business and that the release is not simple.

I also got maybe a tiny taste of the surprise others expressed when Beloved and I dissolved our status. Although *I* had seen and mentioned our struggles, it was a shock to learn that some, like MTR, thought "you two appeared to be an ideal couple in that regard." Being inside the storm, I couldn't imagine that others saw strength where I saw weakness.

It's always strange when you learn such things. It's not EASY by any means, but normal (as if ANYTHING is "normal"). There was a magnet that I really liked...Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. There is cool comfort in that.

Where?

I'm hiding. From you, from Beloved, from myself. I guess that is the succinct way of putting it.

Beloved called me on it this evening, commenting that he seems to be "missing" me more and more. I don't know what to answer. He's been so stressed about work that HE is seeking out his own escape mechanisms. I'm fighting with my inbalances by trying other outlets to relieve him of MY stresses. Burrowing into "work", I started another blog focusing on mommyhood and the kids and homeschooling. I'm attending a homeschooling conference this weekend while Beloved is away at GenCon. *smirks* So many of the homeschooling conference goers are very very uber-Christian...I'm having a hard time biting my tongue. Maybe the green hair is enough of a "heads up, I'm different" flag that no one wants to dig too deep? *wry laugh* But I'm trying to stay honestly busy. Head down, move forward. If I am going to be home with the kids, then maybe that is supposed to be my focus.

*sigh* Except it's not. I know that. I'm achy inside. Knowing that the D/s didn't fulfill my wildest dreams of completion and satisfaction doesn't change the fact that the hole I was trying to plug is flung wide open again. I sympathize with BP's difficulties. They finally found a cap that worked...I wonder if I will ever find success.

I feel a little slouchy for canceling a date with Rabbit tonight, but given that I was up with Beloved at 2:20am, and then both the kids woke up just as I was climbing back into bed at 3am, and now I'm writing and just a little wired and I'm *supposed* to go to the conference all day... *sigh* Well, yeah. I think a little solitude and an early bedtime is in order. (Sorry, Lady...I really hope you DO understand!)

Anyhow...I'm here. I'm okay...maybe a little FINE, but I'm okay.

Submissive Journal Prompts

LunaKM asks, "If you could go back in time and restart your journey into BDSM would you do anything differently? Would you have read more? Gone to a Munch sooner?"

Amusing question at this particular point. MAYBE...maybe following up with the idea of actual contractual training outside? For both of us? Or maybe not coinciding the D/s journey with that of learning parenting?

I definitely would not have read more...the bits that I HAVE read generally lead to comparisons and "I'm doing it wrong" complexes. If we didn't have the children, attending more of the community social events might have changed things. It took finding the "right" crowd to make that sort of thing enjoyable, though. We attended some things early on and felt...cold shouldered? Those experiences certainly flavored Beloved's interest in attending further.

Would I know what I know NOW? *wry smile* If we'd been able to avoid the pitfall of "playing to others" better, that might have saved us a lot of irritation.

*shrug* All of that is the long way of saying I don't know what might have changed the path. MTR aptly commented that it takes two to tango. So...I don't know.

To every season...

It was gently pointed out to me that there are people who read here who I do not know and to simply disappear wasn't exactly fair. I apologize.

If you are a regular reader, you know so well that for the last couple of months, I've been riding a roller coaster, wondering if and when I could get off. I've written about taking a break, I've disappeared for a week, I've tried seeking quiet in my heart. There's been so much going on...Beloved's work is in major drastic flux, his mom just had a massive tumor removed from her back, the kids are running me ragged. Underneath it all, my service has been severely lacking and a burden to me as well as Beloved.

We have decided to dissolve our D/s relationship.

It is more of an acknowledgment of what has already happened, so while I was raw yesterday, I'm quietly accepting today. I don't know yet how this will impact other possible relationships; Beloved has encouraged me to seek *something* elsewhere if I feel it is important. I'm so not ready to jump into that fire...like I said, life has been crazy for me...US...lately, and there simply isn't the time or energy to even consider that work. And besides, no one can replace my Beloved Master.

There's also a disappointment that the D/s concepts didn't deliver what I had hoped...balance and peace of mind while I am on the home front. *sad smile* I suppose such things have a higher price than a simple lifestyle label.

In my mind, it seems unnecessary to say, but for your comfort, the D/s is the ONLY part of our relationship that we are dissolving. He is ever my Beloved husband and partner.

I may continue to write here. Nicothoe commented that I have desire to write, a place to consolidate your thoughts and events taking place in your life into words. A place to write about your daily life, to post a recipe, to embark on a political or philosophical rant, to post fictional tales of love and romance, a place to let off steam. I do at that. *smiles* I don't know what will happen in the near future. I only know that change is happening.

sad realization

I'm sitting on the couch, laptop on my lap. The children are in the bedroom - Boy changing clothes for the third time, Girl fussing because she wants out of her crib. The house isn't ready for the DOM in 6 hours, and neither is the menu as I haven't come up with a suitable vegetarian offering. I have no joy in the prospect of the afternoon and evening.

Beloved and I messaged about it...


pixiemschf: I have no joy in preparing for the DOM today. With no one to watch the children, I am frustrated and snippy and angry with the whole prospect. I felt your tiredness this morning as well at the prospect. Would you consider telling the others that we are no longer up for hosting the DOM? Or is it still important to you??

Beloved Master: I will consider it, I am not in a place or time to do so right now though

pixiemschf: I understand...that is why I asked you to consider it...for the future. Obviously, we cannot really cancel tonight I love you.

Beloved Master: I love you too, we also need to consider if our D/s is still relevant to the place we are at in our relationship. I have felt for the last few months that it is a burden to you. So... something else for you to consider

pixiemschf: *sad smile* yes.

I think that two children, unstable moods, complications with our families, and general frustration with the way life has been for months is taking it's toll. I've written a lot about taking a break...perhaps, it is more than a break.

When the cord was cut on my key last year for Girl's birth, in my mind it was the cutting of my collar. I understand now that Beloved didn't see it that way, but when it wasn't returned immediately...and then when he returned the key, but not as my collar, offering instead a training collar that never went anyway...

I ache inside. Somewhere, somehow, the castle turned to sand, and it is slipping through our fingers.

Run, Run, Run...

Okay, so the weekend was pretty good. Hung out with Rabbit on Friday, and that turned into a fun little frosting-covered make-out session (and if you want to watch a terrible poly movie that is actually positive poly, try "Contadora Is for Lovers"...but OMG is the filming done on handheld camcorders or what?!) We talked a little about where things were going...I think we both kind hope further, but the shy streaks are there for both of us. *grins* Beloved might be in trouble if I get a lot more involved with Rabbit, though...she's drawn out more "top" in me and the snarky attitude leaks over.

Missi and Rude spent the night Friday, and Missi fried up 120 crab ragoons in the morning while the rest of us worked on final touches. The party itself everyone enjoyed, and the COMPANY left about 3pm, but we had friends hang out and there were 15 of us for supper, and the cousins spent the night.

Breakfast for 11 was orchestrated beautifully by Beloved. There was a bit of a dash to pick up and then the cousins left, Girl went down for a nap, and Boy and I went to the story for dishwashing detergent. Beloved grabbed a nap, and I took an afternoon nap with the kids. When I woke up,Beloved had arranged childcare so we went with Einhander to see Inception. I'm still in WOW mode about the movie. I don't know why it's getting bad reviews...it was pretty amazing.

Monday, the kids and I ran a couple of errands, went to the park (it was amazing how flooded the area was, I guess the storms last week WERE that bad), and got naps in. Still a little crabby from all the over-stimulation, but we are recovering.

Today...I don't know how things are going to play out entirely. My moon started, and I've got the cramps down the thighs and slightly dizzy achies going on. The house needs help because the DOM is tonight. I'm waiting/hoping the paprin kicks in soon, because I just don't have time for this right now...

All hell is about to break loose...

It's Girl's FIRST BIRTHDAY WEEKEND! Actually, her birthday was Thursday, and we has a small playdate with some friends, mini cupcakes, and sang "happy birthday". Saturday is when we are doing The Party...although the insanity starts tonight...

Beloved is having his gaming group over tonight to play StarWars and (probably) God of War, and Rabbit is coming over to help decorate. I know Missi and Rude are spending the night, although I *think* that's it...

Saturday, Missi plans to deep-fry crab ragoon first thing in the morning (before it gets hot). I expect RedVulpes and cousins to descend around 10am, and the rest of our family and friends will be trickling in between 11am and noon for a big lunch celebration. Thai chicken, crab ragoon, rice salad, fruit salad, and green salad will be served, and then I've made brownies and a cake for dessert. Things will wind down naturally at some point, but I'm guessing there will still be around 15 people for supper, and many of those are spending the night....

Sunday? I am hoping to clear the house by 2pm and BREATHE! *laughs* We'll see if that works out.

Monday should be pretty quiet, but Tuesday is the DOM gathering. Nighthawk-Sir is presenting on knifeplay, and I managed to find a demo bottom for the evening (relief for a lot of reasons, although I'm vaguely disappointed, too).

So...yes. All hell is about to break loose. And honestly? for all the complaints and worries, I'm loving the challenge!

In the dead dark hours near midnight....

Okay, so it's not that dark. The light is on and Beloved is across the table from me working on something or other, but it IS close to midnight. He'd be the first to agree we are being STOOPID about sleep. *sigh* So much for the reflexology, eh? I'm as wide awake as I ever am at this time of night.

I ramble. heh. That should be a sign, right? oiy.

So last week, I made a post on craigslist. I've been feeling vaguely guilty about it because I didn't mention it to Malifeo or Rabbit, but at the same time, I know they are both dating others, so what the hell.

Beloved, on the other hand... *sigh* He's so busy that he doesn't really date, and since Adaya moved...really, nothing. So he is both teasing me about my liaisons and wistfully hoping that I find what I'm looking for.

ouch. Maybe it would help if I KNEW what I was looking for in the first place, but I don't. I'm in the clumsy, messy process of flinging mud on the wall, hoping for a clearer picture. It's not working all that well, although I really like Rabbit and things might lots of fun if Malifeo weren't 120+ miles away.

Sometimes it makes me sad. Sometimes, when I am talking to someone who is struggling, I understand all too well how hard it can be, although *I* am usually on the other side...the one who gets to go out and have fun and meet people. I wish I knew how to share THAT side more clearly. That being the one who goes out comes with it's own worries, heartaches, and fears. Am I hurting the one I love with no real reason, no real end-point to the quest, the hurt? Gods, what the hell AM I doing?

I dunno. Sometimes I think the whole poly thing sucks boulders. Most of the time I think it sucks boulders. But giving it up, closing out the possibility of finding...what? I don't know. I just don't know.

My week(s)...continued

Today...Monday! Just another manic Monday...oh-we-oh...

I don't know what's up with Girl, but she has REALLY been fussy with me. Teeth? Milestones? Growing pains? All of the above?!? sheesh!

I met up with a woman in Plainfield who "just can't get over how many ways we are alike." Her kids are older, her house is bigger and "nicer", but everything seemed very chaotic. Not in a bad way...just...well, chaotic. There were fascinating collections that I became very conscious of having LITTLE kids who want to TOUCH everything. *smiles* Good hearts, though! I liked her and her kids were very considerate and caring. I'm not sure if anything more than friendship will develop, but hey, having another woman friend to hang out with occasionally might be good for me.

This afternoon, I met up with a foot fetishist...sorta. It's amusing to me how people define "fetish". In this case, he didn't consider himself a fetishist because mere photographs of feet did nothing for him. *smiles* He came over to do some reflexology to help my insomnia problems, but over the course of several e-mails, I'd teased him enough that when we met up, he dared to ask if Beloved got off on feet, and I said I didn't really think so...that he chewed on my feet for the reactions. He asked what I meant because I wasn't ticklish. I said it was mostly because Beloved will just grab a foot and chew, not caring where I'd been walking or how clean my feet were, which totally gross me out! C laughed and said he probably wouldn't care either, but that my feet looked pretty clean and could he...well, please...would I mind...

So I let him suck on my toes. Fetishists are strange, but whatever floats your boat. He had an obvious hard-on. He readjusted my feet so I was pressing against his jeans. He was very polite and asked for more and when denied, although disappointed, he also seemed relieved that I was (apparently) a responsible parent. He asked to excuse himself to deal with matters. *I* thought he was very sweet and kinda sad-lonely. I ended up giving him a kiss on his way out. When I confessed this to Beloved he (probably) smirked and say that I was such the pity lay.

*rolls eyes* Yes, probably true. It feeds into the fantasy girl...desperate guy who can't believe he's getting a bit of luck with a sexy pixie... *shy smirk* It's HOT to think *I* have that effect on men.

So...in four days, I've directly pleasured two guys and indirectly pleasured a third AND met a bi woman with whom things are nebulously neutral. Does that make me a slut, or what?

My week(s)...

People often ask you, "What's the most embarrassing moment you had in your life?" Oftentimes, we try to go to a humorous place.
But the most embarrassing moments are when we fail to live up to the moral courage we're required to.
-Terrence Howard

*wry smile* Boy, I sooooo get this! It's probably the biggest hurdle Beloved and I have about having an open relationship: I get caught up in the "social wrong" of having intimate relationships with someone else and so lie about it because I don't have the courage to tell the truth. Beloved's painfully understanding and coaches me on telling the truth, but it's hard some times!

Like kissing a stranger today because I felt sorry for sending him to the bathroom to "relieve" himself. That hadn't been on the approved list, hadn't been planned, but when he was leaving, it just seemed the natural thing to do...so I did...

Which is usually what gets me into trouble in the first place. Whatever the PLAN is, I follow what seems natural. *sigh*

ANYWAY, it's been a hell of a summer! haha...I gave up trying to finish a post about July 9-10-11 because I kept getting interrupted. grrrr...So, you'll have to settle for cliffnote versions of what I've been up to.

July 9: I got to hang out with Rabbit. We went to dinner at Ballydoyle's in Downers Grove. Apparently Fridays are Cruise Nights in Downers, so traffic and parking were a little crazy, but once we got seated, everything was pretty good. *grins* Pretty great. Rabbit and I sat and talked for almost 4 hours! I'm not sure what directions might come up, but it would seem we have a budding partners-in-crime friendship.

I got home just before midnight, and there was still a houseful of folks, two of whom ended up spending the night. Kids were up and down all night, though...

July 10: Beloved got up with the kids, and there was evidence of gaming this morning when I dragged myself out of bed at 9am. *rolls eyes* Lazy pixie! But I got up and changed diapers, mowed the grass, checked e-mail, and then went out and ran some errands with Boy. Two of the stops was to pick up as many spools as I could find of a particular ribbon for Rabbit for work. I managed to collect a total of 11 rolls by the time I dropped them off...

That afternoon, we left Rude13 in the middle of an online tournament to go play boardgames with a bunch of other parents. We had fun, the kids had a blast, and we arrive home tired but happy and amused that Rude really had spend 6.5 hours just hanging out at our place, alone...he spent the night again.

July 11: I managed to get myself up with the kids and we played a little before Beloved came down. Girl was ready for a morning nap and I had to drop the ribbon I'd collected, so Boy and I made the run. That afternoon, there was an impromptu visit from RedVulpes and his girls..."just dinner" for twelve people, half of whom were under ten years old. :-P

July 12: Kids and I went to Blackberry Farm and ran and ran and ran. I got them home, fed, bathed, and bedded by 8:00 (usually we START the baths at about 8pm). Beloved worked late, but not as late as I'd expected, so we had a little fun when he came home.

July 13: Kids went over to a friends house and I did some work at home. (Why is it that "down time" always seems to include chores???) Intentions of going to a yoga class fell apart because dinner took too long. Meh...whatever.

July 14: Beloved, being the mild sadist that he is, answered the phone and completely stunned the poor girl. *wry smile* He was still amused when he woke me gentle and told me about it. He gave me a few minutes, then reappeared with my phone saying I had, "Oh, thirty seconds" to call her back and not make a liar out of him. :-P Silly man! But I called and spent about an hour coaxing her into a better headspace. When I was up and about, I checked in on Boy...He seemed awfully warm and tired...When I took his temperature, it was 103. Yikes. Motrin and more fluids, and he seemed much better. Bouncing off the walls, better. *sigh* I was a bad momma, and I took him out in search of some AC (and more space to bounce). Another friend called as we were getting home...she needed some coaching through some of her hardships and I told her to come over. Beloved came home and spent more time talking to her, and I kinda think HE was on a better wavelength with her than I was. She ended up spending the night.

July 15: Spent the morning helping with a job search, because apparently I have "mad skilz" in the searching department. I dunno...While I FIND a bunch of stuff, it generally seems that people discover better options on their own, but I'll help if I can. *shrug* Beloved went to Great America with his co-worker, but ended up on the bench, people-watching because he wasn't feeling well. Good thing there was "plenty to see"! Both kids were a bit feverish, so we laid low all afternoon. Beloved came home slightly green and was in bed before the kids were. When everyone was settled, I finished my fluff book and went grocery shopping.

July 16: Girl seemed more fussy that her usual self, but otherwise the kids were recovered. Beloved went to work despite his pallor. It was a day.

July 17: I slept until about 8:30, then I read a bit and got teased when Beloved came in and found me lounging with my book! Beloved grabbed my pajama pants and had his way with me, using first his lips and tongue, then his cock. Slight dazed, I got my jammies back on and drifted downstairs. Beloved then teased me about the carpets...I've been grumbling about them internally for a while, and I said I'd been debating on contacting Jay. Beloved shrugged and said I could, then he took the kids to the park and ran them pretty hard. I DID get touch with Jay, who said he could come over immediately. *blush* I checked with Beloved who teased me about video-ing a blow job, but that no one, not even Jay, could see the recording...so when Jay came in, I asked, he agreed. After playing, Jay cleaned the carpets on the floor, and was just finishing up when Beloved came home with the kids.

After Jay packed up his equipment and left, Beloved said he had to reclaim my mouth, and took another video of my work. There's a photo that HE really likes...my hair is all disheveled so I think he's nuts...I don't know if he'll give me a copy to share... But shortly afterwards, Beloved left to go game with some friends. I hosted drum circle and got things back in reasonable order before curling up in bed. Beloved didn't come to bed until after 3am.

July 18: I got up with the kids, but Beloved was up and dressed before I every expected him! Some times I hate how well he functions on little sleep. :-( I shuffled back to nap with Girl. I had a very nice nap, thank you. When I returned to the Land of the Living, much better off than when I'd disappeared, Beloved and Boy had tickets to go see Shrek, the musical in Chicago. Apparently it was a total blast! I managed some personal time because Rain wanted (WANTED!) to babysit and I was happy to let her...I hit the thrift store and scored a great trunk for the kids' dress-up clothes! Einhander and Missi came over and gamed for a while on the PS3.

I screwed up...

It wasn't a fall-on-my-face screw up...more of a open-mouth-insert-foot screw up. And I recognized the fact the second my mouth closed. As in, pixie, that was mean, dumb, unfair, and inaccurate.

We got up this morning with the children; I took Girl downstairs while Beloved and Boy showered. Girl, Beloved, and I ate breakfast while Boy finished his bath. He came down asking for a show, and Beloved said he'd promised. That was fine, but it digs at me that it's ALL Boy ever wants when we are home. *sigh*

So Beloved and Boy went upstairs. I tried to finish my breakfast, finish waking up. Girl fussed about my not holding her, trying to climb up my legs and pulling on me. I was hot and still sleepy and quickly becoming grumpy.

When Boy and Beloved came back downstairs from the den, the first thing Boy did was bother Girl, who screamed her complaints. I yelled. Boy pouted. I went into the kitchen, fuming.

Beloved asked what had happened...I was alright a few minutes earlier, why was I so short now?

I snapped. That is how it is ALL day, EVERY day, and YOU get to escape it!

*wince* Stupid, wrong...Especially knowing how stressful and awful the last two days have been in the office. I know work isn't relaxing, isn't an escape. I'm sorry. I know.

Boy is 3 1/2, has the normal 3 1/2 angst, and is struggling with sibling rivalry as well. Girl is just 1, is starting to be interested playing and exploring, and has no real grasp of communication skills. The two of them collide every 3-5 minutes. It is 100% normal. While Beloved goes to work, I struggle to make it through the day with the insanity of children. It's incredibly frustrating to do the same damn thing all of the time. I hated that position in the corporate world, and I hate it at home. I don't know what to do about it, though. *sigh*

Beloved said something about changing my outlook, or redefining what I am trying to accomplish. Maybe he is on to something with that thought...I don't know what I am trying to accomplish. I don't have goals or plans beyond surviving the day and keeping the kids entertained enough they don't kill each other or make ME kill them. I need to focus...on something. Suggestions?

Really? Come on...REALLY?

It's finally Friday. It's supposed to be a good day. Decent weather, picnic dinner plans, fireworks. It's SUPPOSED TO BE a good day.

It is 9am, and already it feels like things are crumbling.

My dad called and is canceling plans to walk in the parade. Trouble is, he sounds really really bummed about it and so I feel like I should try to convince him it will be fine. I haven't called him back because I'm struggling with my own grumbles.

My moontime started. It isn't my imagination; I've now mapped it on the calendar, and my cycle is 22 days long. TWENTY-TWO, including my fricken moon. Break that up, and it's 6-7 days of bleeding (and three of those are HEAVY...I'm still losing about 14-16 oz per moon, which is how much you give when you donate blood, and they only let you come back every 8 weeks), cramps, and achy pussy; 8-10 days of reasonable normality; and then 5 days of slippery slope moodiness/PMS. Is it any wonder I feel like crap so much lately? *sigh* I'm giving up and I'm going to see about seeing the doctor again, probably for Mirena. I'm really kinda bummed about having to get back on hormones, but this is crazy.

I also haven't made any progress on the therapist thing. I desperately want it to just be my hormones are just out of wack and getting on new meds will make this all go away. Right?

I've been trying to run a load or two of laundry every day, and it is STILL piling up. I'm behind on chores because we've been out so much.

Beloved told me to see about actualizing a baby-sitting swap, and the other mom I was talking to about it is hedging on actual dates. I've tried! I offered to take her daughter twice, and her response has been non-committal or that they already have plans. *sigh* I get that...I can point to our own calendar and I understand. I'm just not sure how else to make this happen. I WANT to do a baby-sitting swap...but no one else seems interested. I'm thinking about making a flyer to hand out at Boy's classes, but that seems obviously desperate.

Beloved's been really stressed out lately because work is yanking him in eight directions at once. I can't help, and I feel like all of my drama and issues are a huge burden. I'd guess he's feeling the same way because because he doesn't talk to me about it, but then there's almost always a shock when he starts talking about work with other people over dinner.

Girl is teething and has taken to screaming her frustration, drama, and general dissatisfaction. This morning, she yanked my glasses off and the frame broke. I don't have an extra pair, so I will have to deal with taped up glasses for a week.

I'm having a hard time keeping Boy entertained all of the time, and I feel like he's plugging into the video games every second we are home. In the last four days, we have gone to Brookfield Zoo, had math and soccer classes, gone to the Adler Planetarium, gone to different three parks, gone to the mall, gone to Grandma's house, and gone to a friend's house. I'm exhausted and first thing he asks in the morning is for video games or to go to somebody's house.

Seriously? What the FUCK am I supposed to be doing? How do other people do it? Cause I am really not coping very well.

Stolen MEME

Were you named after anyone?
My mom really loved the heroine in Dr. Zhivago, although when I was born, they called my cousin to ask if they could name me after her.

Do you wish on stars?
Once in a while.

When did you last cry?
this morning.

Do you like your handwriting?
nope

What is your favorite lunch meat?
hard salami

What is your most embarrassing CD?
Probably Ace of Base

If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
I'd like to think so.

Do you have a journal?
I have LJ that I never use and this blog...do blogs count as jounrals?

Do you use sarcasm a lot?
I don't know about a lot...I think I'm more sardonic than sarcastic.

What are your nicknames?
online? pixie, katt

Would you bungee jump?
If you caught me in the right mood.

Do you untie your shoes before you take them off?
Not if I can avoid it!

Do you think that you are strong?
Physically, yes. Emotionally? errr, not really.

What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Cookies-n-creme or pumpkin spice

Shoe size?
8 to 8.5 women's or 5/12 boys.

Red or pink?
Errr...I prefer the cooler colors.


What is your least favorite thing about yourself?
my unbalanced moods.

What do you miss most?
Ditto on Kaya's answer: simplicity.

Do you want everyone you send this to, to send it back?
Not sending it out...you can steal it if you want. I did.

What color pants/shoes are you wearing?
blue jeans, no shoes.

What are you listening to right now?
Boy is watching Voltron.

Last thing you ate?
2 Rold Gold Honey Wheat Pretzels

If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
My hair is a dark green right now; I suppose that's a hint.

What is the weather like right now?
Perfect! Sunny and 76F with low humidity!

Last person you talked to on the phone?
Beloved.

The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?
First think I notice on ANYONE is hair.

Do you like the person who sent this to you?
I went forth and "borrowed" it.

Favorite drink?
Alcoholic drink? Grasshoppers. Otherwise, ice tea.

Favorite sport?
I love to play volleyball.

Hair color?
Naturally, ash-brown with a generous sprinkle of silver. But right now, green.

Eye color?
Hazel.

Do you wear contacts?
Glasses.

Favorite food?
I don't have favorites. I don't like okra, though.

Last movie you watched?
ummmm...I'm not sure?

Favorite day of the year?
Holidays that I can dress up!

Scary movies or happy endings?
Happy endings.

Winter or summer?
Winter.

Hugs or kisses?
Depends on who you are!

What is your favorite dessert?
I don't do favorites...sweet is yummy!

Who is most likely to do this meme?
Ditto on Kaya: Somebody who is as bored as I am.

Who is the least likely to do this meme and comment?
Ditto on Kaya: Anyone who thinks memes are lame.

What books are you reading?
The Organized Homeschooler, Redefining Our Relationships

What’s on your mouse pad?
What mouse pad?

What did you watch on TV last night?
Episode of "Better Off Ted"...Beloved really enjoys the series, and I have to admit it's pretty funny.

Favorite smells?
The wet after a good rain. Home-cooking.

Favorite sound?
silence.

Rolling Stones or Beatles?
meh...

What’s the furthest you’ve been from your home?
Probably Hohhot, Inner Mongolia.

Do you have a special talent?
I like to think I'm talented in cooking and fellatio.

What is your ring tone?
The least annoying and most normal phone-ring sound that came with the phone.

Who is she?

Maybe you've noticed that I've gone into hiding on Fet. Maybe you've noticed I'm being quiet elsewhere. Maybe you're a follower here. Maybe you've only just stumbled upon my journey. For whatever reason, you are reading this.

I'm not entirely sure what to tell you. I have been trying to answer the question, "who is she?" and I have found a lot of distractions and a lot of hurt and a lot of confusion. There's been a bout with my depression that I've had a hard time managing. Beloved's encouraging me to find a counselor. In the meantime, I've decided that I should quiet my world and focus a little more on what is not on the screen.

she is His girl
she aches to please Him
she years to serve Him
she longs to worship Him
she is His slut, His girl
His toy, His possession, His love.
her body burns for Him
heart heart beats for Him
her soul longs for Him.
she is His.

*soft smile* I do long to please, to serve, to worship. But to do so, I need to know who I am and how I can best please, serve and worship.

I'll probably continue to put my thoughts here...this is, after all, a part of the journey, even if it isn't a pleasant part. Chances are I'll opt for no comments, but if I'm a little morose, please understand I'm just working through crap.

Submissive Journal Prompts

LunaKM asks, "What would people not know or guess about you?"

It's a funny question because if people don't know it, there's probably a reason they wouldn't guess it. But, I suppose it is kinda relevant to my current mood, which is rather blah/blech.

For all my service, all my tender bleeding heart, all my empathy, I have a core apathy that no one really touches. I've had people express surprise that I "trust" them with my rape history or with the hurts from losing my mom or with my self-doubts, but really, it is a front...a protection. The more people who know, the less "secret" the hurt, the less power the hurt holds, the better I am at maintaining my coldness.

Do you really think I am gullible enough to let anyone hurt me? Really?

*sigh* This has been my struggle and current agony for a while. It's part of what has gone into the "Dark Fantasies" and part of why I haven't gotten back to the tale. I feel a need to have SOMEONE break me down. The walls I've build have protected me, but they also imprison me. But I don't fear the people I know.

Oh, most certainly I have no doubts about the physical pain they could cause me. I don't even doubt that they could elicit real panic through breath play. I don't doubt that they could push beyond angry resentment and reduce me to tears and quibbering.

But I doubt anyone can break open my prison and set me free.

take my world apart

Just listening to one of my favorite CDs and drifting into the thoughts of how much they speak the words I feel towards Beloved...


To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now...
It takes all I am to believe
In your mercy that covers me
~Jars of Clay, "Worlds apart"

Back to thinking about a break...

So much roller-coastering! I have offers to play coming out of my ears. I'm working on a dark story of "abduction", training...a lot of people have immediately gone to thinking rape. I'm not entirely sure where the story's going yet, but life was certainly spiced up here while I was writing...

But then, Beloved said I should find someone who can really dig into me. On the one hand, I was excited! On the other, scared. At the same time, he expresses remorse that he doesn't have the opportunities I do to find or play with someone else. That makes me feel guilty about looking. *wry smile* I've changed up my profile again, removing the comment about looking for a play partner for that exact reason.

So...now what? I feel like I've somehow messed up Father's Day because...I don't know? Beloved and I are just missing each other in communications and we're both ending up resentful.

I'm tired of struggling and trying. I'm tried of feeling like I can't get this right. I'm tired. Maybe it is break-time?

Dark Fantasies, part two

Part one can be found here.

"Good girl," Guide responded approvingly. Just that, and I could feel the blush creep into my cheeks and the tension in my shoulders relax. A glass touched my lips, and I gratefully accepted some water. A hand brushed my face lightly.

There was wood scraping on wood - I guessed a chair was drawn in front of me and Guide sat down.

"Now that you are calmer, there are some things I would like to explain to you, pixie. Are you ready to listen?"

I swallowed nervously. Guide had already proven to be patient and caring, despite this insane situation. "Yes, Sir."

"Good. Your Master explained some of the thoughts, scenes, and fetishes that have been clicking for you lately. He also said that there is a lot of trust between the two of you, and that he has been feeling like he wasn't challenging you. That is why you are here. As you are, you do not know who is here, where you are, or what is going to happen."

As if to emphasis that, a hand closed on my left breast and squeezed hard enough to make me gasp.

"Your safewords do not matter here, pixie. If you are roughed up, the session will be judged by the marks, not by your cries. In fact, we want you to cry. Personally, I look forward to having you beg."

My lips tightened in determination, setting myself, the way I do when Beloved decides to beat me. I won't give you that satisfaction, I thought.

Guide laughed at my resistance. "That is exactly why you are here. Beloved wants us to break you."

My stomach dropped out, and I was suddenly chilled. To break me? Something else finally clicked in my brain. "Us?" It was a whisper.

"Yes."

I worked that over in my mind, grasping for balance, for hope. I found little comfort. Guide stood up and the chair was pushed aside.

"I am going to put a new blindfold on you," he said. "Then, if you are ready to cooperate, we will get started with your training."

I felt sick, helpless, powerless, and very scared, but all I could do was nod. There was a quiet jingling on my right, and a snap. Heat blasted my face and skin. The blindfold was removed, but I was blinded by a bright light directly in my face. I squeezed my eyes closed, turning my head. Almost instantly, there was a heavier leather covering my eyes and a strap that went over my head. A click just behind my ear told me that this new blindfold was locked on. I couldn't escape. I moaned in despair.

My arms were then unlocked from the cross and fell to my sides. They ached and then flaired with pins and needles as blood rushed back into them. My ankles were also released, and a hand pressed on my shoulder.

"Offer!" Guide's voice was that deep, scary, dominant voice. I jerked in response to a command my Beloved Master had taught me. Was nothing sacred? I felt anger and despair. A slap to my face startled me.

"Offer!"

Frightened, I scrambled to assumed the position on my knees, thighs open, tingling hands holding up my breasts, head demurely downcast, mouth slightly open. Fingers closed on one of my nipples, pinching and twisting. I trembled, but didn't move.

"Good girl." There were footsteps, and a hand brushed my hair gently and then tightened, yanking my head back. I cried out only to be muffled by a mouth crushing over mine, a tongue forcing its way into my mouth, teeth cutting my lips. I gagged and tried to pull away, but the hand on my breast and the hand in my hair held me tapped in agony. The mouth withdrew and I gasped, coughing and sucking air.

"Little slut, she likes this." It was a different voice, my kisser. A hand brushed my thighs and touched the wetness of my pussy. I sobbed, shamed. I did NOT like this...this was...was hell! I was a child again, unable to understand what was happening, unable to stop it. My body responded without me.

"Leave that," Guide's voice answered. A hand pressed my head forward and down, down, down. To follow the direction, I had to go put my hands down and go into a crawl. A leash was clipped to the halter, and I was pulled forward, my tears and protests completely ignored.

Dark Fantasies, part one

Beloved and I dropped off the kids, and when we got back into the car, he pulled out the temporary collar. I didn't think anything of it...we had talked about just going home and playing. But then the cuffs came out. I was a little less confident with that, but I put them on myself as Beloved pulled away from the curb. The next comment came out of the blue. We were at a stop sign.

"Reach under your seat belt and put your hands behind your back."

I looked at him, frowning. "What?"

The corners of his mouth smirked at me, obviously amused that he'd caught me off-guard. His voice, however, was a different matter. Master Saul is not one to be crossed. "You heard me. Do it."

I swallowed and complied. He reached behind me and locked the cuffs together. He continued to drive, speaking causally, as if we were discussing bills or chores.

"I want you to understand something, pixie. You are my most prized possession. Do not doubt that I love you with all of my heart. That said, I am concerned that things between us have become predictable. I am concerned that you don't feel challenged. I have arranged a new challenge for you. Do you trust me to do as you are told, without question?"

My stomach was dropping, my heart was skipping. I trust Beloved to the ends of the earth. I trust Master Saul to scare me, hurt me, and then return me to Beloved's gentle aftercare. But generally, the scare and hurt is scary and hurty!

"Y-yes, Master," I managed, my mouth suddenly dry.

We were still driving around our neighborhood. Master pulled to the curb, reach over, and kissed me deeply, running his hand up my thigh and under my skirt.

"Lift your hips so I can take off your panties."

Getting them off over my books was a little tricky, but he managed. Then he pulled my thighs open, teasing my pussy ever so slightly. I could feel the heat rise in my cheeks, but I didn't fight.

"Good girl!"

Then came the blindfold, and once again, the car pulled away from the curb.

How can I possibly explain the terrified exhilaration that raced through my mine and electrified my body? I sat beside Master, somewhat helpless, going who-knows where, and dark, dirty possibilities flickering past my closed eyes. I was very silent, contemplating possibilities, worrying and wondering and hoping.

Yes, hoping. As scared as I was, this was also new and exciting and Master was making it easier to accept by making me powerless. It was as hot as scary!

We were on the highway for some time. It's hard to say how long, but long enough he wasn't just trying to mess with my head. We were going SOMEWHERE. When the car stopped, it was quiet, so it wasn't the city. Master was still sitting next to me when the car door opened and a large hand closed around my right arm. I panicked.

"Beloved?!" My voice cracked revealingly.

Master Saul answered back. "Trust me, pixie. Do what is asked of you. Make me proud."

My lips trembled and I could feel the tears building. "Please..."

"Go, pixie. Don't make me tell you again."

I felt dizzy and nauseous as I was led through the grass by Someone. Master Saul knew where I was...Master Saul had negotiated this scene...Master Saul was in control of the situation. Trust....trust....trust. Every step, I chanted in my head, trying to calm myself.

A deep voice aided my navigation. "Step up." Forward two more steps, then, "Step." I was inside somewhere. The hand remained on my arm, but there was another person by my feet, pulling off my boots, removing my socks. Then hands were on the drawstring of my skirt. I flinched away. "Stop!"

The hand on my arm tightened painfully. I froze. The cord was pulled and the skirt lay in a heap at my feet. Scissors snipped, and I blanched, fearful. Someone steadied me while my shirt and bra were cut off my body. The blindfold was already sodden from my tears.

Naked, arms behind my back, I was guided through the house. The floors were hardwood, the air conditioning cool. I could barely smell bacon and lemon cleaning. Everything was very quiet. "Step down," came the deep voice. My head ached, and I stumbled despite the warning. My Guide grabbed me, keeping me from falling. I was brought a few more paces, stop. Hands unlocked my cuffs.

Immediately, I tried to fight. I wrench myself away, kicking with my right foot, swinging around to pull the blindfold away. My hopes of "surprise" were dashed; my hand was grabbed and a stinging slap landed on my left cheek. Another set of strong hands were on my ankles then. I kicked and bucked to no avail. My hands were drawn up over my head and secured, my legs pried apart, cuffed, and locked. A St. Andrew's cross. The people retreated, allowing me to wear out my struggles alone. I screamed and pleaded, beseeching Master to save me. This was too much! A glimmer of hope flashed through me. Red light! RED LIGHT!!!!

Silence. I bowed my head, sobbing, despair filling my head as anger bubbled up. Beloved abandoned me! How fucking DARE he?! Hate, anger, nausea overwhelmed me and I screamed again, fighting the bonds. I don't know how long it was before I was worn out by the storm of emotions. At last, I hung on the cross, exhausted and hurting, quiet.

Guide's deep voice reached across the room to me. "Are you done?"

My head snapped up in the direction of the voice. "Fuck you!" I growled.

"Maybe, in time. Answer the question: are you done?"

My throat went dry with the hint of my near future. The patience in that voice made it clear Guide had sat through my entire tantrum, and was prepared to wait some more. My arms ached from the position. I was snotty and tear-grimed. I sobbed again, my voice becoming a hoarse keening that thinned into silence. I was exhausted.

Footsteps approached me, and a tissue covered my nose. Guide's voice; "Blow." Like I child, I blew my nose. My face was wiped with a damp cloth. A finger slipped under my chin. "Are you done?"

If my eyes hadn't already been closed, I would have closed them. As it was, I simply drooped. "Yes." My voice was raw.

"Yes what?" Hurt filled me. Apparently, I wasn't done. Apparently, this was only the beginning.

"Yes, Sir, " I whispered.

Isolating

That was what Beloved said to me last night. I asked if he realized how silly that sounded. After all, there's been regular get-togethers with friends, hosting events, and an endless stream of outings with the kids. How could I be isolating?!?

Because I know you. You can be alone in a crowd.

He is right...I can be at the center table of a crowded conference and be utterly alone. I "build walls" to keep people out...or to keep myself in.

For months now, I've been overextending myself. If I stay busy, maybe I won't notice, won't feel, won't realize how tired/hurt/confused/frustrated I am. It isn't working out well. I'm snappy with the kids; I'm distant with Beloved.

I don't know what to do about it.

It's not like Beloved is well-rested and living it up. He's working at least as hard as I am. He's balancing work politics, family politics, and me. We both need a reboot, but when/where/how to make that happen is elusive.

Instead, today, I've run three loads of laundry, done the dishes, completed a grocery shop, gotten Boy to counting class and digging class, and started dinner. *wry smile* And that doesn't sound like nearly enough to me. I must have done something else with the day...haven't I?

All in all it's just another brick in the wall.

Human suffering

Knowing enough medical terminology to understand but unable to DO anything about the situation makes my brain hurt and my heart bleed. The neglect would be criminal if a child was involved, but since it is only an adult self, it's a "choice" of "lifestyle" that is really a form of passive suicide that no one wants to deal with.

it's late

Thus it's quiet. Blessed quiet. And here I am...hiding in the cyberworld.

My current-in-this-moment-before-I-move fantasy is to be stripped down, hands held above my head while hands caress and tease my body while my eyes are closed. To be pleasured and teased until I'm half mad with laughter and desire. To feel mouths on my breasts, my fingers, my lips, my pussy. To be fed a cock while being suckled, or fucked, or stroked. To be held, cradled, unable to escape the focused attention and forced pleasure until I'm screaming in delight and then float away on dreams not of my own making.

*soft smile* It's late...thus, I can whisper such things into the dark, and leave you feeling my desire.

fer fuck's sake!

Five minutes of consecutive silence. Really. That's all I want right now!!!

I know...grass is always greener on the other side, but I really miss the external quiet. I have enough of a circus inside my head...the children and the phone and the outside demands are just a little much right now.

Why can't MIL get her life figured out?
Why does Boy HAVE to torment Girl?
Why do the birds sing loudly at 4am but go quiet by 6am?
Why do I want more people in my life?
Why do I run to the computer when I have a spare moment?

*winces* That last one I can answer...I'm trying to escape into the fantastic cyber world. Cause in the cyberworld, I'm a pixie...magic, accomplished, dazzling. I'm feeling very trapped in the muggle world. Outside, I'm a tired mom who hasn't even brushed her hair yet and it's dinner time and the kids are alternately underfoot or screaming.

Please...please please please...can I just close my eyes and be pixie? Please...?

It's the little things...

I'm just irritable. Girl is teething and has been tumbling head over hands in her new explorations, so she is frequently fussing. I spent several hours cleaning out the closet in the master bedroom, defrosting the freezer in the basement, doing general sorting and organizing, paying bills. The weather hasn't cooperated with my plans to work in the yard. Beloved's not feeling well.

All of it is piling up and making me grit my teeth.

It's no one's fault, and most of it is very understandable, but I feel like I've accomplished nothing. Probably mostly because the work that I HAVE done is in areas that aren't generally looked at. *sigh*

They say it's the little things that count...maybe that is the problem.

Physical properties

A profile I came across included, "I believe that a slave has no limits of her own. How can property say what she will or won't do?"

The debate about limits is common enough in the lifestyle, but the way this particular statement was made, a thought sprang to mind.

The physical properties of a material DO limit what can and can't be done with it. Of course, you can do anything you want to a chair, but you risk breaking it if you use it improperly. Same with a person. There ARE limits, and if they aren't respected, there will be a mess on your hands.

Monthly girl troubles...

No surprise, I'm not a fan of my menstrual cycle, or my moon, as I prefer to refer to it. It interferes with my life and my sex life. Beloved swears he isn't bothered by it, but *I* AM. As in HARD LIMIT bothered.

I just don't feel sexy at all, and I definitely don't feel clean. I get moody. Since the pregnancies, the cramps go down my legs and make me miserable. By day 3, the cramps end, but by then I'm so tender and sore and raw. I'm pretty sure I'm dealing with menorrhagia (definitely more than 80 ml, and resulting in anemia), but when I mentioned it to my OB, she wanted to insert Mirena. I felt like it was a pressure sale...not necessarily right for ME, but the latest and greatest that the pharmaceutical rep peddled. Nope, not interested. So, every month, I'm challenged by this, but usually I just close up shop and whimper.

Sometimes I feel like an utter heel putting him off. Sometimes I'm just not convinced that he really doesn't mind. Sometimes I wonder if the "red wings" culture is something selfishly I'm denying.

I'm I just being a prud?

not dead...

just kinda being busy with summer. Swim lessons EVERY day with Boy has been frustrating, fun, and exhausting. Garden is coming along, slowly. Capannari ice cream is awesome!

Journal Prompt, continued.

An anonymous commentor replied to my last post, "Now tell us what do you think the outcome would be if Beloved was outed by his family, employer, coworkers and others."

Beloved's immediate family knows. Hell, RedVulpes is more involved with the community than we are! More distant relatives...aunts and uncles, cousins, grandparents...are maybe more of a concern, for all that we see them every 2-3 years. Like my family, they pretty much accept that we are a little odd, even if they can only label the failure to attend church regularly.

Employer and coworkers. I can't entirely guess what the employer's view would be, but from the little I know, as long as the commitment to project success remained what it has been (and Beloved's already wearing the golden handcuffs there), it wouldn't matter. We already know a few of the coworkers are "alternative" in various ways...at least one lunch a week is spent discussing some aspect of "poly v. swing" or the way our relationship works (without the D/s labels). I've shown up in flirty clothing and techincolored hair, and the office generally loves the excuse to visit briefly or see the kids.

Others? A few months ago, someone lifestyle paid us the compliment on how well we have managed to balance our lives. We have maintained our vanilla friendships while developing our newer friendships. In general, we don't HIDE anything, but we don't shove it in people's faces, either. If a question is asked, I raise an eyebrow and ask if they REALLY want to know. Sometimes the answer is, 'never mind!' and it's left at that. *wry smile* Even our most vanilla/muggle friend has seen the boobie wall and can dream up want we might possibly be into! No one thinks twice if I say "Beloved" in mixed company, or if they do, they comment on how sweet that is. It's more hilarious when someone ELSE calls him Beloved for lack of knowing his RL name.

So...I guess the answer is pretty much the same. We aren't NORMAL in any sense of the general society. We have an open door policy and more people have keys to our house than I can count. We have been married for 14 years, but we have lived "just us" for about 46 months of that, divided many times. We host drum circles. We live without AC. We don't have a television that receives outside signals (no TV...just movies and games). We're weird. I don't know that being outted, for being poly or being kinky or having a power exchange relationship would really shock anyone beyond recovery.

But I hope I never have to find out!

Journal Prompt

LunaKM asks, "How would you handle being outted in the vanilla world?"

That's tough. I know people who have lost their job; custody of their kids. I know someone who is constantly chastised by parents because of lifestyle choices. I know people for whom being outted has been devastating.

Right now, I don't know that being outted would change very much in my life. I don't have a job to worry about losing; my vanilla friends all know I'm a little different, even if it's just because of my hair. My "collar" is a key on a silk cord around my neck, and I give a shy smile when I happily explain it is the key to Beloved's heart. If it came to child-endangerment, DCFS is welcome to interview friends, family, or do a home study...there's nothing to hide and the kids are well-adjusted. I don't run for titles, for all that title holders seem impressive and together, it takes a certain dedication to earn a title. My "lifestyle" just isn't that extreme.

But even with the lack of extremes, I have been ousted from social groups because of my affiliations with alternative groups. It comes as a shock every time.

I dunno.

Would vanilla people in my life be appalled, shocked, disappointed? Probably.

Just before SJW, I outed myself to my dad on the polyamory lifestyle. I know he is trying really hard to wrap his head around it - he's called a lot more and asked about my trip in a very "curious, but spare me the details" kind of way. If it came to the kink stuff, it might be harder for him to swallow, but I generally have no problems wearing a bathing suit. We talk often and he can tell if I'm really okay or not.

Since I've been thinking about going back to work, there are other complications. Like the hair. There are very few jobs that would allow me to leave it technicolored. It wouldn't change my skills, what I could do for a company, but it is perceived as "wrong" "unprofessional" and "deviant". Thus, I am disqualified at first glance, instead of being engaged and asked if such things could be changed.

It is truly disappointing that we do to our bodies, in our private lives is taken as a threat to the public world. Why are we so afraid of individuality?

hurting

Where did the last week go? Beloved and I are wondering. Very little on our "to do" list got done. We both feel like we haven't gotten the down time we were hoping for. WTF? *sigh*

The discussion of my going back to work has been re-opened. It hurts. I'm "supposed" to enjoy being a mom and staying home and nurturing the children. What about homeschooling? Girl is only 10 months old. *weeps* and two kids is just making me heartsore! I don't feel like I'm able to do either one of them...or myself...justice.

Prime example...last Saturday, I was getting them ready for bed. Girl was on the changing table, mid-diaper change. Boy did something (I don't remember what) and I turned around to help him. I was about 3 feet from the changing table, but Girl managed to roll over and off, landing hard on her head. I'm NOT an ER momma, but her limbs were jerky and her eyes were droopy and I got scared! So, Girl, Boy, and I spend a few hours in the ER Saturday night. Girl had a mild concussion, but was discharged without any extensive tests and has been perfectly fine since the incident.

But it was the first time I'd ever taken either child to the ER. And I felt negligent. I was in the same room, within arm's reach, but because I addressed Boy, Girl had an accident. The guilt is driving me a little crazy. I'm angry that I just can't seem to do it all.

blech.

Flip side...I had a fantastic birthday on Wednesday. Lots of wishes from lots of friends. E-mail, phone calls, texts, cards. I made two cakes and had a bunch of folks over for games in the evening. It rained, so it wasn't awful hot-humid. It was just a good day.

And today...this morning...was good. Boy and I went to the nature center and did their letterbox hunt. I brought some quartz crystals, so we left one in the box and he kept one of the "diamonds". We went out to lunch and had a good time. It was wonderful until it was time to go home and then all the magic unraveled and I was a mean mom who didn't let him do anything...

It is this daily mantra that makes me resentful and tired and long for an escape.

I know...he's three; it's normal; he doesn't mean it. But I still feel like a failure. I'm so tired of struggling. As Boy says so often, "I want to be left alone."

Silence

As I said in my last post, I was encouraged to take three days for myself and my family. The Universe decided to see that I did exactly that. I had planned to be in Indianapolis on Sunday for KISS, but Girl rolled off the changing table on Saturday night, so we were in the ER. (She's okay...mild concussion, but nothing to worry about!) With that experience, I called subbiebunny and canceled.

So Saturday, Sunday, and Monday have been spent with family. How has that been? hmmm...

Well, Saturday we moved RedVulpes into his new apartment. I teased him on the labeling of his boxes ("There is no 'Master' bedroom...you're a Top!" "I'm thinking you're becoming girlie...you have a box of heirlooms." "This is labeled 'rocks'. You're making us move ROCKS?" "Box of sharps, box of medical supplies, box of miscellaneous weapons...good thing your new neighbors aren't helping!") Beloved and I ended up splitting up because childcare was an issue, but it was cool to see Red's new place.

Sunday was errands and just hanging out at home.

Monday, I spent 2 hours cleaning up the yard and then Boy and I went to Blackberry Farm while Beloved stayed home with Girl. It was the first Momma-Boy adventure we've had in a long time. I think we both enjoyed it.

So now it's Tuesday. I don't have any real plans until tomorrow...so I might just stay quiet for now. I'm just not feeling like chatting much. *sigh* What I really want to a nap, but that's not very likely. ah well...

Thoughts...

I've had some wonderful people poke me with things worth thinking about.

Beloved has been incredibly supportive and loving, despite all of the juggling HE is doing. We had an ironic exchange about how stressful it is to prepare for a vacation. Each of us has different stressors (me and the house, him and setting goals and designate responsibilities), but the result is the same: we both started our vacations especially exhausted. I know we aren't the only ones guilty of this. I just don't know if there is a better solution.

Beloved decided I should attend Windy City MAsT last night. It was an open Q&A evening with a drum circle, and he told me to go and ask about event drop and coping with presenting. It was a relief, really. I *wanted* to go, but I was torn because of being tired and threadbare. I'm so glad Beloved insisted. I got coached, scolded, smudged, and was finally able to give in to my tears. Lady Tamin and Nighthawk-Sir and their girl Simone took immediate care for my tears, and then I was hugged by Master DVNT and Master Gallad, by slave Kelly and Evangelique.

Things to think about:
- I will make (and am making) myself sick trying to do more than I should.
- I cannot save anyone from themselves. This is extremely painful...something I know too well, and yet fight against. I need to stop. Some people are squid, and I need to cut them off.
- If I am serving from a place of exhaustion or resentment, then I am not being fed by my service.
- I need to withdraw and refocus on myself, Beloved, and my family. This seems nearly impossible, but that's why it is all the more important. Master Gallad was very clear that I should disappear for three days. I'm considering how to manage that.
- I do not need an excuse. HA! Right? *sigh* I know.
- The problems will not go away if they are important. If my attention is required, the issues will be there when I "come back" from my three days.


I had a wonderful talk with SassyLassy in which she asked if I knew what word she's scolded me about learning.
Pixie: No.
Sass: The one that I wrote you about.
Pixie: No.
Sassy: Do I need to send Limper over with his bullwhip to teach it to you?
Pixie: NO!
(in the background, Limper said, "Oh, please!" or something to that effect. Sass and I were laughing to much for me to hear exactly.)

One of my vanilla friends commented on a FaceBook status of mine: like any good housewife you feel the need to wage your own little war against entropy. Wow. It kinda stung with the truth in that statement.


So...yeah. There's a theme, and I am going to try to listen to it. My thought is to unplug for three days, specifically from the computer. That's going to be tough since I'm more addicted to my Internet than to coffee or sleep, but it's a good step. So... *poof*

$#@)$#@!!! Daylilies

So for the last three days, I have been spending 1-2 hours a day digging out daylilies in the front yard. The area I've been working on is about 20'X 3' and was practically root-bound without being in a pot! I'm guessing I removed about 800 plants. No lie. I actually counted the last batch which were in about 1/8 of the space, and it was 97 plants! With so many plants, though, I finally put a free notice up on craigslist. Happily, I was able to help five people with plants for their yards.

My reasons were mostly that I didn't like them. They are green bushes for most of the summer with 1-2 weeks that have pretty orange flowers. I want something more interesting. The big bay window is in desperate need of a scape-paint job, and getting rid of the plants will make it easier to access the window. The lilies will grow ANYWHERE and there are a couple areas I'd prefer to have them.

But digging them out uncovered a much more important reason to remove the plants. They were actually damaging our foundation!!! Take a look:




Word to the wise...if you have these plants growing around your house, keep them in check!!!

Submissive Journal Prompts

From LunaKM: Why do you want to be controlled?

I think that sort of goes back to why did Beloved and I start this adventure. There are lots of mixed answers. The reason it final came up was I had just been committed against my will (never mind that it was a brief stint...it was scary to be committed by strangers!). I was drowning in the stay-at-home life. Everything was so nebulous. Life with an infant meant that time itself was blurred...I was on call 24/7 and nothing seemed solid. I begged Beloved for guidance and limits because I was working myself to death, almost literally, trying to be the Super Mom, forgetting she is plastic and hard and unfeeling.

It has been a JOURNEY which I am continually learning how to balance life, children, service, grace, dignity, and obedience. I know he isn't interested in controlling me. He has his hands full with problems at work, and like me, he offers service to others who need help. On top of which, I don't want to be controlled.

Instead, Beloved helps me create goals and purpose, both day-to-day and long-term. I adore him for that! He helps me balance life's demands and reminds me when I am losing my grace. He nudges me when I falter and encourages me to learn complaisance when I stumble.

DD_ss: Transparency and health

How do you tell your Master/Dom/Owner when something has gone really wrong with your health? Do you ever let the nurturer inside you stop you from giving him the information which is his right to have because you want to protect him from the truth?

There are lots of times when I over do it in efforts to be of service, both physically and emotionally. But I don't think I have not told Beloved when I'm not feeling well.

Of course, Beloved lives with me, so it is hard to really HIDE any health problems from him. There are times when I don't notice my own slips...like when I forget to take my soul vitamin or haven't been good about sleep/food...and Beloved is very quick to pick up on the results (irritability, low tolerance with kids, easy to frustrate). I honestly don't notice until I start speaking with him, and then it's usually an "uh-oh!" moment.


Do you tell him everything all the time or are you more guarded when it comes to you? If no. does this conflict with your ideal of being a submissive or slave or does it have the opposite effect?

I can definitely be more guarded about my own health, head, and heart. It is easier to deal with other people's needs rather than your own, and I like to hide my struggles beneath a shroud of service. I realize long-term, this can be a detriment, but it is hard to stop. It has been an automatic behavior since I was a child.

Processing...

Processing -- Please wait.

*half smile* I know so many of my friends have been waiting anxiously to hear about SJW. I'm having a hard time with processing and I'm not sure what I want/need to say about it. I guess starting with factuals and see where it goes from there....


I spent all day Thursday cleaning the house and getting it as ready as possible for not being home. From planning "guy food" meals (Beloved's wording!) to making sure sheets were clean for overnight guests to getting the last batch of plants into the garden (and it was drizzling when I did that!), I really worked HARD on Thursday. But I was excited and looking forward to a break and the event, so it was okay. I was high on the rush.

Thursday night turned into a night from hell. Finally I got around to getting myself ready for being gone (packing, biting my nails over the presentation). By 11pm, I was exhausted and wanted to collapse. Beloved crawled into bed next to me and wanted to snuggle and chat. I'm afraid I wasn't really receptive or mindful because I was so tired... *frowns* He just smiled, tucked me in, and got comfy in his blankets. No sooner had the light gone off, but Girl started crying. I dragged myself out of bed, changed her and got her a bottle, settled her down... Thirty minutes later, she had sucked the bottle dry and wanted more, which woke Boy up...got up again to settle them. At 2:30 am, Boy came into the bedroom complaining he couldn't find "Aydin-Kitty". I got up, found the stuffed cat, got him settled again. The alarm that was set for 3:20am didn't go off, and Beloved nudged me at 4:30. Instead of waking up, showering, and getting the last of my brain together, it was a frantic dash to the car and then to the airport. I made my flight, but they were already giving the safety presentation when I scurried on board...

That was how SJW began. Already heartsore from over-serving, already overtired. I desperately wanted to find space to let go and just cry...but I was reconnecting with some awesome friends, presenting that night, and wanted to be a happy PIXIE!!! Sorta "fake it til you make it"...and I did, for the most part.

The first session I attended was by BootPig on how to "grow" into a "pain connoisseur". There were some very helpful, basic self-care tips that I kinda knew but rarely apply, like being well-hydrated (bad pixie! drink more water!). But there was also the "I could never do that" sinking feeling as Pig went into some of the more intense scenes. Perhaps the hardest to swallow was her explanation of interrogation scenes. Her Owner is Marine Corps, and the goal of interrogation is FAILURE. The goal is to BREAK you. It is designed to fuck with your head and remove your reality. "It is not a trust that I won't break you...the trust is that you and I will fix it when you DO." Deep. Hard. And intensely scary because I think that is somewhere I want to go...but...but...yeah.

I was pretty shaken by that session and had about 30 minutes to pull myself back together before *I* had to present! I swallowed hard, called Beloved and talked for a few minutes, then stripped and took a shower. Wash it off, let it go...process LATER.

The presentation on "When lifestyles collide: non-monogamy and D/s" was wildly popular. There were 45 people at the conference, 3 classes that session. I figured if I got 8-10 people to attend, I'd be lucky. Instead, 22 people settled down to a floor-room only discussion! I wasn't ready for the size, wasn't ready for the heart-hurts and tears that were brought forth. I wasn't prepared to be labeled "expert" and spend several hours over the next two days "counseling" and offering my suggestions. I'll admit that there is a certain high to being desired in that way...but it was hard and colored much of the rest of the weekend.

Dinner was followed by "quiet time". HA! That night was probably the highlight of the weekend...laying in bed with a bunch of my friends and just telling jokes, catching up. We called Remmy, who couldn't attend this year. It was just so..."old shoe", as subbiebunny commented. Comfortable, familiar, and worn to fit. We were up waaaaay to late!

Saturday morning's first session was much easier. Intuitive service with Michael was a lot closer to my expectations and closer to my current service. I don't know about a 7-page spreadsheet to detail out what Beloved's preferences are, but there was more affirmation than "can't possibly measure up" at the end of the session.

The next session I somehow managed to be the ONLY attendee, and I got a one-on-one lesson from lilredhead, who was also SouthEast Bootblack 2009. I had brought Beloved's everyday boots, and she helped me clean them up. She apologized for "getting intimate with your Beloved's boots" while pulling out the insoles, looking them over, pointing out what needed to be done. We also got to talk more, and that was really nice. I'm delighted to call her a friend.

After lunch, there was a big group on "Keeping it real". The Ask-It Basket was a place to ask questions completely anonymously. I had settled on the floor in the back but was called up to join the staff because there were some poly questions and they needed an expert. *swallow* I'm not the expert! I'm just me! The poly questions were left to last and were very heartsore situations involving cheating and ending relationships. Many people left for that part, and the puzzling of the situations ran through the break.

I dashed to the next session, again with BootPig on "It's not what you say, but how you say it". There were some good thoughts shared, but so much left me again wondering. I am not very good in this area, and I can be extremely disrespectful to Beloved, most commonly when I should HALT because I'm Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Speaking of tired...I was getting to the point of feeling physically ill because I was so exhausted. I finally honored the self-care message, left class, wrote a note that "pixie is desperately napping. Please nudge me at 6." The nap helped, as did a big salad dinner.

My team had supper clean-up, and after that, I was torn between Pig's "Mindful Movement" and Jeri's "Damaged Trust". *sigh* I didn't think I would deal well with more hard talking so was back in Pig's presentation. I was mostly reminded of Beloved's comment when I was pampering my back when serving the DOM...my posture generally needs work. I got a few ideas, mostly about crawling (which Beloved admired Sunday night!).

I disappeared for my own quiet time after the session. Beloved hadn't yet picked up the children, so I didn't get to say goodnight to Boy. While I had recorded a message, that hurt more than I thought it would. When I hung up, I finally allowed myself to cry a little bit, stifling my sobs because there were people on the deck above me. Simone found me afterwards, and we just laid on the bed and chatted for a while until I finally got up, found my crayons and went to be "social" without being very talkative. It was amusing to me how I bristled at the question of how old I was...in reference to being a "little" in age play. *shrug* Age doesn't play into my coloring, really. It's just comforting because it's something I did with my mom, and I still have coloring books that she and I worked on together over 20 years ago.

Sunday morning was met with a flurry of clean-up. I think everything was ahead of schedule, at least until we met in the last big group and de-briefed. The "assignment" was we each had a "secret" person who we had to write things we learned about through the weekend. There were a lot of additions and tears, laughter and hugs. It was good. The comments about me were "Gave thoughtful, wise insight in several classes this weekend. Caring friend, willing to help others find solutions that work for them. Smiles with her entire body!"

About 20 of us agreed to lunch after SJW and went to the Old Mill. The fritters were AMAZING, and if you ever drop in, ask for "Mikey"...he was an amazing server!

From there? MandolinLady dropped me and Simone off at the airport. For the most part, I just wanted to be alone, and Simone was a comforting presence without having to talk much. Beloved picked me up without the kids, and we talked about his weekend (mostly) on the ride.

Pulling up to the house, I was met with a tremendous surprise: Beloved had organized a work crew to surprise me with a garden walkway (welcome home, Mother's Day, birthday present!). Some of the stones weigh 80 pounds, so there was a LOT of work and it was really amazing to come home to! I was distracted by Girl's cries and rushed in...back to the thick of my everyday.

Rain and her husband (both had helped with the walkway and Rain watched the kids while Beloved picked me up) joined us for supper. I was both comforting to be back in my world and painful.

I still have a lot in my head and heart that I need to PROCESS. Writing about it here has helped. I'm hoping that some work in the garden and a quiet day today will be add to the salve. *deep breath*


I should warn you
When I’m not well
I can’t tell
Oh, there’s nothing I can do
To make this easier for you
You’re gonna need to be patient with me

I’m this apple, this happening stone
When I’m alone
Oh, but my blessings get so blurred
At the sound of your words
I’m gonna need you to be patient with me

How can I warn you when my tongue turns to dust
Like we’ve discussed
It doesn’t mean that I don’t care
It means I’m partially there
You’re gonna need to be patient with me

~ Wilco


For all the heartache, I am glad I did SJW. I'm glad to be home. I lack the words to express how grateful I am that Beloved has been so very understanding and supportive, now and always!

*poof!*

So I'm off to SJW 2010 tomorrow to present on M/s and non-monogamy. Should be interesting...at worst, there are some awesome people I'm looking forward to seeing again and gorgeous mountains to sit and enjoy.

Of course, in the next 12 hours, I have a list of a million things to accomplish, the least of which is PACKING. HA! I'll be lucky if I remember my name by presentation time! At least I've finally finished the additional sheets I wanted...(sorry it was such a late night, Beloved!)

Journal Prompt

lunaKM asks, "Have you ever been given a ’slave name’ or had your name changed by someone else? What emotional effect did it have on you, if any? Does your sense of self/identity tie in strongly with your name?"


Sorta, but it wasn't in any way connected to D/s or slavery or lifestyle. When we first met, Beloved decided that my given name was too long and he shortened it to two syllables. I didn't mind...I had always kind of assumed that there weren't any real variations to my name, so I was rather delighted with the invention. I was introduced to all of his family and friends with the new name.

My family had a different and completely dissimilar nickname for me. Early on, when I moved in with Beloved out of teenage defiance against my father, I had the courtesy to give my family the landline (in age before cell phones were SOOOOOO common!). Problem was, they would call asking for me by THEIR nick...and Beloved's family replied they had the wrong number and no one by that name lived there!

Oiy...that was a bit of a mess!

But 15 years later, the majority of our non-lifestyle friends know me by the name Beloved bestowed on me. My family still calls my by my childhood nickname. It's all good.

"Pixie" really came from a photograph taken on October 31 2004.


I don't know who first called me pixie, but it stuck. Over the years, especially since Beloved and I started into D/s, the name and use of the name has gotten tied into certain expectations and behaviors. If Beloved says, "Pixie", it is an automatic response and surrender in my head. He garners my full attention with the one word.