I'm sitting on the couch, laptop on my lap. The children are in the bedroom - Boy changing clothes for the third time, Girl fussing because she wants out of her crib. The house isn't ready for the DOM in 6 hours, and neither is the menu as I haven't come up with a suitable vegetarian offering. I have no joy in the prospect of the afternoon and evening.
Beloved and I messaged about it...
pixiemschf: I have no joy in preparing for the DOM today. With no one to watch the children, I am frustrated and snippy and angry with the whole prospect. I felt your tiredness this morning as well at the prospect. Would you consider telling the others that we are no longer up for hosting the DOM? Or is it still important to you??
Beloved Master: I will consider it, I am not in a place or time to do so right now though
pixiemschf: I understand...that is why I asked you to consider it...for the future. Obviously, we cannot really cancel tonight I love you.
Beloved Master: I love you too, we also need to consider if our D/s is still relevant to the place we are at in our relationship. I have felt for the last few months that it is a burden to you. So... something else for you to consider
pixiemschf: *sad smile* yes.
I think that two children, unstable moods, complications with our families, and general frustration with the way life has been for months is taking it's toll. I've written a lot about taking a break...perhaps, it is more than a break.
When the cord was cut on my key last year for Girl's birth, in my mind it was the cutting of my collar. I understand now that Beloved didn't see it that way, but when it wasn't returned immediately...and then when he returned the key, but not as my collar, offering instead a training collar that never went anyway...
I ache inside. Somewhere, somehow, the castle turned to sand, and it is slipping through our fingers.
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