Problems with cyberspace

There are times that I really really dislike the Internet journals like LJ, MySpace, FaceBook, OKCupid, etc. When it really boils down to it, we use them as mass-emails to inform people about our lives.

That can bite us in the ass sometimes. Friends who have family readers can't share certain aspects of their lives, and sometimes that means friends get left out as well. The occasions when life is just to busy to post leaves readers wondering why they aren't privy to the intimate details. Posts that leave us begging for more (and the story-telling posts are the hardest to wait for!). The nagging sense I occasionally get to defend my presence or non-presence at an event I wasn't personally invited to but was posting in a journal.

It makes things a mess. I wish there were a better way.

"For women the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time." --Isabel Allende

Mostly, I found the above quote amusing...true...and maybe a bit cliche. *shrug* I guess it depends on the kind of aphrodisiac you want to use. Isabel may well be correct if you are the romantic, warm lover. If you are a slave, sucking Master's cock is enough to get me ready for anything. *snickers*

Anyhow, back to work. We are removing an old spaghetti boiler from the basement. *wrinkles nose* Not the sort of thing I'd CHOOSE to do on a Sunday, but then it wasn't up to me, was it?

The struggles continue

"As a Master, many times, my wishes will be substantially different than my slave’s ideal of what I should expect of her. These are the times that separate the true slave from those who just “poke it with a stick”.

If a slave rises to the occasion and not only complies with her owner’s wishes but does them the very best she knows how despite her personal feelings regarding his orders, then she has ascended to a peak in her slavery."

~ Cavalier



Beloved has asked a task of me that I really. don't. wanna. do.

It has to do with the attic. This is not the first time the attic has been of contention, either. The first time, it was because we were having the roof redone, and WE had agreed to go through all the boxes in storage to gleen crap out. I got through all of my stuff...took several boxes of old clothes, books, nick-nacks to donation. But after a week of working hard and finally feeling like I was DONE, he asked that I do his stuff.

It became a real fight. I don't know what is important and what isn't. I don't know what he wants to keep, what is garbage, what might be useful to someone else. It's NOT MINE! It's NOT FAIR!

"No, it isn't...but that's the way it is."
~ Sarah, Labyrinth


*sigh* This time, Beloved has asked (repeatedly) that I go into the attic to collect and sort his tools. *sigh* It's stupid. It's easy, for pete's sake. WHY DO I HAVE THIS HANG-UP???

I did go up and sweep a bit, carried up the buckets to sort tools, and then fumbled. I am not a handyman. I don't know what these things are called, let alone what they are used for. Most of it looks like nails, scrapes, supply things...am I supposed to sort those?

I tried to ask Beloved via IM...that went poorly.

girl: Hey Beloved? I'm really not sure what to do with your stuff up in the attic.
Beloved Master: Okay, no worries
girl: no...it IS a worry. But there aren't many TOOLS up there. It's mostly wires, screws, nails, papers....
Beloved Master: The tools are all i care about right now. If you have collected and categorized them then you have done all I asked. If you'd like to do more then take the buckets into the basement.
girl: I wish I could convey how frustrating I find this...but maybe you know because you haven't done it either
Beloved Master: Nor have i really pushed for it. What you have done is perfect.
girl: but I haven't done anything.
girl: forget it....I'm going

At which point I made the tantrum mistake and slammed the computer closed. I went upstairs and moved more stuff around. I got the sweepings into one of the big buckets and cleared off most of two tables. I moved the buckets of tools down to the basement. I spent a lot of that time being angry and resentful, questioning whether I was just another bratty woman who plays at being submissive as long as it goes her way.

At which point I sat down in the sawdust and cried.

I feel like Beloved knows how much I didn't want this chore...he's even admitted he's hesitated about bringing it up because the last time (before the D/s play, btw) it blew up in his face. It's come really close to doing that again. So why...why set me up for failure? Why do this to me? Or does it have anything to do with me at all? Is it simply that he is so intimidated by the task that he sloughs it off on me? Is it a test? Is it a punishment? Is it about me?

I feel like a failure.

I did the work, but I didn't do it happily. I'm less angry about it now, but I'm resigned rather than relieved that it's done. I might even say I did my best within the limited knowledge that I had, but there is no satisfaction. *sigh* I wish my submission didn't have to be a struggle like this.

Summer struggles

I have forgotten my place lately, and while Beloved hasn't punished me for it, I am feeling rather miserable about the situation I find myself.

I suppose the best way to put it is that I have been very self-centered the last week or so. Boy was diagnosed with borderline bronchitis yesterday, and I have used his not feeling well to skip out on tasks. We have fallen off our regular schedule, and that is also a bad thing.

The hardest part, however, is that I've taken a somewhat head-strong position on what *I* want. Between a silly fantasy about carpet cleaning, an evening of volleyball that I got resentful because I didn't get to play much, and general discontent with the summer weather, I've been sassy. And I'm sorry.

Beloved has been really really wonderful to me, and I have played up the martyr for no reason other than "I don't wanna" do chores, give up my interests, give up my fun. I'm not begging for a punishment...but maybe I need it. *sigh* luvbunny got herself into a similar spot, and DragonMage had to be pretty damn hard on her to right things. I don't want to put Beloved through that, any more than I want to be punished. So...

*deep breath*

I am re-dedicating myself to my Beloved Master's desires. I will get things back together, and I WILL conquer my chat addiction. I will do this with a smile on my face and joy in my heart, because I know my life is better when I am in service to those I love.

Sister-slave musings

I don't really have a sister-slave, but sometimes I feel that close with silvara, Halder's slave. The five of us (Boy included) went out for supper and talk turned to some of the challenges of being 24/7. One of the comments Halder made was to tease that silvara liked to watch when I was used, which earned him a dirty look. He laughed, and said that it was knowing that it must be hard, knowing the same punishment could be given to her.

I shook my head. "It has less to do with fearing a punishment and everything to do with wishing *I* could spare *her* the suffering."

Silvara chimed in that "Even when you know it's something she enjoys, it's hard to see the pain."

The dichotomy of enjoying a session and yet wanting to spare someone the agony is intriguing. I know I have bitten my lip and worried over other submissives/bottoms/slaves at club, even when there is no way in HELL I'd *want* to be subject to XY or Z, and while I've never watched Halder play with silvara, I know I'll be wincing with every swing he makes. DragonMage touched on the struggle a Dominate husband has in response to a comment I made in another post.

Do you play with others and find it hard to apathetic?

As Master wishes...

Last night was enjoyable, if frustrating (for me). I was tired and VERY ready for sleep, but Beloved grabbed my hair and kissed me deeply. He then told me he wanted to put on a porno and have me suck him off. *wry smile* As any good slave, I didn't mention my reservation. I answered, "As Master wishes," and followed him to the den.

He put on a dvd and settled back on the couch. I knelt between his legs and caresses, admired, and teased his cock for a few minutes. Listening to the movie behind me, I could hear when things began to get interesting and took my ques from that. It wasn't long before I was deep-throating him, licking his balls while his cock was buried in my mouth. I varied the suction, contact, texture, and even temperature in order to keep him on the edge I *think* I managed to get him to the point where he was riding the wave...orgasming without cumming...and then building him back up, higher and higher. He did mention his lips going numb and his whole body shook and trembled. When he finally did cum, it was in heavy, slow spasms that seemed to last for a long time. I brushed my fingers over his body, keeping his softening cock in my mouth as he came down.

Afterwards, he kissed me deeply, praising me, and bit my neck hard while caressing my nipples. I wanted him to take me, to pull me up on the couch and lick my clit and tongue-fuck me...I was shivering with desire and wet, wet, wet.

But Beloved didn't offer. I didn't want to ask...it just isn't in line with the slave-persona, I guess. Sometimes it is really hard to balance my desires with what a "good slave" would do and asking has always been very hard for me. I rather assumed if he had wanted me, he would have offered..or taken..., but knowing how much I'd just given him, I think he was more than ready to curl up and go to sleep. When Beloved went to wash up, I snagged the dvd and put it away, turning off the television. In the bedroom, he cuffed my ankle and tied me to the bed, and then let me snuggle up close to him. It took a long time for sleep to come to me because of my excitement, but it did eventually.

Summer Solstice

Bright and shining, like the summer sun,
Master, my destiny, leans near,
And whispers in my ear, "I love you so!"
He plants a light peck on my cheek
and I, sun-kissed, know
no better moment that this one, right now.
Ecstatically, I dance around, so glad,
Without a future or a past.
But, how
can this fulfillment be? A myriad
Excuses line its way. Awake, I see
not anything but scorching, raw sun rays.
For, blazing, like a god to devotee,
He rules with burning fists and sun-kissed days.

Master inspires me, but is it real?
Incredibly, I know--I think--I feel.

Beloved's girl, pixie 2008

Learning curves

Submissive Journal Prompts posed this question: "Do you feel there is a learning curve in slavery? Do you feel you have to unlearn certain things that society has taught you?"

I think that there is a learning curve in ANY relationship, not just M/s relationships. Both people in the relationship need to figure out what it is that provides fulfillment or the relationship will not last. Slavery as a specific type of learning curve, however. A slave needs to pay particular attention to Master's needs, wants, and desires. There are going to be stumbling moments until the slave has learned what is expected. Masters can smooth the way by being clear and expressive about what it is that is wanted. An ambiguous request can only lead to frustration between Master and slave.

As to unlearning certain things society has taught...That has not been a challenge for me. Truthfully, accepting Beloved's collar and ownership relieves my concerns about social rules I don't like. For example, Beloved enjoys my physique and excuses me from the social beauty rules about being a size 2.

Perhaps more interesting is that I've had to learn the rules of kink communities. "Normal" conversation openers, like inquiries about work, family, even names, can create a very tense situation. I've also had to find a balance for being submissive and yet responsible for setting dates, meeting people, and identifying events of interest.

There is also seems to be a rift between slaves, BDSMers, bottoms, submissives, and other labels. Navigating those paths has been a challenge for me at times.

Those are my thoughts on the subject...what are yours?

Ask...and ye shall receive

Last night, we had no little visitors, but Boy didn't take a nap, which made the evening exceptionally challenging anyway. When he was finally ready for bed at an early 8:30, Beloved and I were edgy and grumpy. While I nursed and put boy down for the night, Beloved sat down to try out FlatOut, a video game we picked up for Father's Day. I came down and checked in, and when nothing was required of me, I asked if I could log into the computer.

For the next two hours, I chatted, he played, and we listened to Halder's DJing on Dark Temptations. That was fun because he was also online, so I got a bunch of requests played, teased and joked about comments made on the air, and generally enjoyed the evening. I also chatted with a few others about sex and kink, and by the end of the evening, I was pretty hot. I wanted SOMEONE to take me upstairs, give me a good spanking, cuff me to the bed, "force" me to accept oral for a while...maybe adding a vibrator to that making me good and hot, lube up a butt plug, and then fuck me senseless.

Beloved leaned back in his chair and teased me about trying to convince him to play. It was late (for us) and I rather assumed I was SOL, so I shook my head. At that, he teased me more, saying I was playing hard to get. I still didn't believe he wanted to play. I went and finished picking up the kitchen and asked Beloved to bring down laundry. Handing me the armload, he told me that if I wanted that spanking, I'd best be in the bedroom in two minutes.

I (shamefully) groaned at the time-limit, knowing there was stuff in both washer and dryer that needed to be dealt with before I put the dirty clothes in, but I rushed and was upstairs before the two minutes were up. THAT, of course, brought more teasing. At last, he seized me and whispered into my ear.

"You will be beaten for My pleasure tonight."

I shivered. Yes, I really had wanted a light, playful spanking and sex before bed, but this...this was promising to be something else entirely and I wasn't so sure I wanted it. The cliche careful what you ask for rang in my mind as I stripped and Beloved pointed at the bed where he was laying out toys. I looked at him, unsure.
"I don't know how you want me..."
"Bend over. I'll worry about how I want you."

He strung a rope across the headboard and cuffed me to that, making me balance on my tiptoes. Then he ran chains under the foot of the bed, cuffing me to those. Effectively, I could move about two inches total. Grabbing my hair, he blindfolded me.


I struggled a bit...testing the bonds (which were tight), trying to find a balance that wouldn't hurt my knees, and trying to get a stray hair out from the blindfold. I accomplished very little, and finally pressed my face into my arm, settled down, and waited. Beloved came back in after a little while.

"Are you ready for me, pet?"
"Yes Master, I am ready for you."

There are comforts in this ritual that I can't begin to explain. Maybe you know.

Beloved first teased me with an artist's brush, painting my pussy and ass. Then he ran his hand all across my backside, warming the skin. Finally, the spankings began, and I knew I was in trouble. He alternated between hand, fist, and fingers, between lasting swats and staccato blows, between making me moan and making me scream. Then he began spanking my pussy, and I could feel my face redden with embarrassment. Worse still was when he stopped and toyed with my clit, finding my pussy flowered and wet and warm.

The flogger came next. Beloved maintained contact with me, his foot touching mine, as he worked. All across my back, up on my shoulders and neck, down on my thighs. He rained hard blows down over my skin, forcing cries and pleas from me. I'm not sure if the Koncis spatula came into play or not, but he did lean over me to tell me it was time for our new toy.

I didn't know what it was, all I knew was I'd had enough. This wasn't what I had wanted at all! The first blow with the new "toy" made me scream. A cane? Where did he get a cane from? It stung, burned, and raised welts. It fell again, and again and again. My shoulders ached from the stretch, my knees were pressed hard into the footboard, I couldn't find my balance...but the cane fell again, across my tailbone. I screamed, thrashing, panicking. I couldn't do this! No no no no no no no no!!!

"Settle down, pet. You will take one more. You will submit to me."
His words penetrated my mind, and I sobbed. My nose was plugged with snot and the blindfold was sodden. I pulled at the bonds and begged to be all done. Beloved is really a gentle Master, and he held tissue for me to blow my nose, allowing me to breathe. But he is still Master.

"Here is the test, pet. You want to be done, I wish to continue. If you ask me 'Please no more, Master,' we will stop. If you want to please me, you will ask me for one more."

Helplessness filled me. I wanted...what? I sobbed more, my nose filling. How could I have asked for this? How could he have so misinterpreted my request? My safeword floated to mind, and I shoved it away forcefully. I wasn't in trouble...I was just hurting and I didn't want to wimp out. I wanted to blow my nose. The things that become essential in moments like that are ridiculous. Could I work that into the deal? First, or second? Second, I figured. I'd beg nicely. At last, I found my voice.

"Please, Master, one more..."

His breath exploded in a glad sigh. I knew then that it was more than just the cane. It was the collar, the slave, the relationship that had been in question. I was grateful my nose was the second part...but it was hard on the first, so I didn't stop.

"...and please could I blow my nose?" It sounded pathetic in my ears, but I was desperate. I could take it if I could just blow my nose. He held the tissue for me. I pulled on the rope. "Please, can I blow my nose?" It wasn't a whine, but my voice was shaky and begging.

Beloved released one wrist. The other slackened a little, but I didn't give into temptation to move that arm. I blew my nose, and relished the pleasure of air in my nasal passages. I blew, wiped, and blew again, relieved. I was okay! The break was seconds long, and I volunteered my wrist back for bonds.

"Now, pet. Ask me again."

Somehow I managed not to shudder. I swallowed, breathed, and complied.
"Master, would you please spank your pet for your pleasure?"

"Good girl!"

His hand carressed my ass, and for a moment I dared to believe it was all a mind-fuck, that I wasn't really going to get another hit with the dreadful...whatever!

CRACK! I screamed, thrashed, cried. I tore at the bedsheets with my teeth, dimly aware that I really didn't want to ruin this set... Beloved gently trailed cold chain across my back. I screamed again. "No no no no no no no no no! Please NO. Please...I'm scared...I don't want to be, but I'm scared!"

"I know...I know. Settle down, pet." His words were measured, forceful, and distant in a way. I wonder what goes on in his head when the sessions get to this point. How hard is it? "Submit to me."

My body lay quiet, even as my mind raced. Chains? I shuddered at the cold and my safeword taunted me. I screamed in my own head, please stop, please don't make me safeword out, I don't want to safeword out, please please please stop...

But the chain landed. Heavy, cold, careful. Ironic how the steel carried the weight of Beloved's heart as well as his hand, how much I could sense his control. It hurt less than the caning, but it was still scary pain. How many times, I can't tell you.

He tried the duster, but decided that wasn't satisfactory and returned to his hand. Spanking hard, he caught my thighs, the welts. My back he slapped hard enough for me to lose my breath twice. Then he told me to spread my legs, and he spanked my pussy. He teased my clit and reached inside, making me fully aware of my body's pleasure despite my mind's protests. "I loved how wet your pussy is...how it talks to me." He twisted my labia, pinched, explored. I wanted to wither away and hide, but I was bound fast. Then he spread my ass and spanked the tender, unexposed flesh, making me cry harder. "I can't wait to play with your ass."

My head shot up. "No no no no no no no...!"

"Oh, yes, pet. I will play with your ass. Just not now."

With a final swat, he withdrew and then I screamed again as he poured the warm massage oil all over my tender skin. The heat is always intensely painful, but as Beloved spreads it and works it into the skin, the relief and relaxation that it brings is incredible. At last, he released me, and I slowly pulled my body upright. It had been more than an hour, and the joints ached. I clung to Beloved for several long minutes, loving him, needing him more than I can say.

"Why?" I asked. "Why so brutal?"

He smiled at me. "Because the last couple, like your birthday, you made comments about wanting more. Because you asked."

It took minutes to put the toys away and climb into bed. The "cane" turned out to be a plastic hanger. Be warned! At last, I pressed myself into the crook of his arm, warm, aching, honored, cherished, and loved.

In plain sight...

There are lots of ways to demonstrate submission in plain sight. For the second day in a row, we have sat down to breakfast with the girls and Beloved has cheerfully laid out chores he expects done while he is gone. Nothing MAJOR and nothing out of the ordinary...it's just not something he has done in a while. I guess I don't mind. It helps to have him say it and then I just remind the girls we have a few things to do around the house. Not a biggie.

So the windows are washed, the bathrooms are cleaned, the plants are watered, tool buckets have been rounded up... Other things like meals and dishes and diapers continue to be my responsibility as well.

Of course, yesterday, I had an extra exercise.

Beloved: "I'd like you to play with your plugs."
girl: "um...well. *blush* er...just for the purpose of stretching?"
Beloved: "You should enjoy the process too"
girl: "I can probably go upstairs and insert the smallest and wear it for a while...but as to playing? no...that's not really going to happen with the girls about"
Beloved: "Do that then. Aim for an hour."

So I spent almost ninety minutes with a small 4.5" X 1" plug in my ass.



Chasing kids, making dinner, and doing chores while maintaining a butt plug that you are NOT used to is a lot harder than I would have thought. I guess it accomplished Beloved's wishes, though. I was stretched AND felt intensely submissive the whole time.

Quieter activities

With young visitors, we are definitely limited in our games. I see it as a good trial for how things would be with a vanilla roommate, which is something we are considering. But there are still some things we can do...

Like pictures! hehe...







Of course, Beloved had to get a little inventive. He loves the mental teases, and he decided it would be great to torture my nips while I was terrified of making to many loud protests...



We haven't played with the nipple clamps much because I'm still nursing. Already being tender, I was less than thrilled with Beloved's idea of pulling the chain through my collar...



But he told me to smile ANYWAY...!

Family issues...

Okay, so there have been some family issues that have resulted in two ten-year old girls staying with us for the week. The bad news is that this interrupts Beloved's Father's Day playtime that he's been planning. The good news is that I have TWO mommy's helpers and I might actually get stuff done...

Like the library. And the closet. And a hundred other things that I've been wanting to do.

Glad I don't live in Japan!

Two months ago, Japan put a new law into effect...companies and local governments must now measure the waistlines of Japanese people between the ages of 40 and 74 as part of their annual checkups.

Those exceeding government limits — 33.5 inches for men and 35.4 inches for women will be given dieting guidance if after three months they do not lose weight. If necessary, those people will be steered toward further re-education after six more months. The country's Ministry of Health argues that the campaign will keep the spread of diseases like diabetes and strokes in check.

Now, I have wide, baby-bearing hips and a full-figured body. Yes, I could stand to lose some weight...about 25 pounds is my actual goal...but I don't think I could ever fit into the 35.4" waist requirement.

Putting a legal issue into an already sore topic like weight is bound to increase other issues...eating disorders, depression, and suicide are the ones that come to mind immediately...

back to the matter of collars...

I feel like a broken record. *wry smile*

Beloved had to take my silver collar off. I was breaking out in a rash because of the metal. I know I have problem skin...I *have* to sleep in clothing because prolonged just skin-on-skin contact creates rashes...but I'm kind of bumming out. I'm reminded of the piercing that went awry when my body rejected the metal. Such "permanent" metal features are just not meant for me.

Different Era, Same Contract

“I am your servant. I shall not be free. You will protect me; you will keep me safe; you will guard me. You will keep me sound; you will protect me from every demon.”
~Ancient Egyptian woman’s slave contract

I wonder what an ancient Egyptian slave would think of us modern slaves...and vice versa.

Becoming REAL

"What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
~ The Velveteen Rabbit, Margery Williams

Last night we went to the library. Boy got bored with the books rather quickly, so Beloved took him outside while I found a few things. I was looking through the children's CDs and came across a reading of the Velveteen Rabbit. I loved the story as a child...I kept hoping I could give the gift of REAL to my toys.

Now, I'm wondering about an entirely different meaning of the story...as it applies to slaves. Masters strip us of the makeup and clothes, remove the smugness and pride, drive us to tears that wash everything else away until the REAL is all that is left. Slaves are the lucky ones.

Thank you Beloved, for REALLY loving me.

Service and rewards

Beloved loves games.

It really doesn't matter what kind of game it is...cards, boards, video, tabletop, LARP...all games have a place in our house. One game in particular, Diplomacy, required seven steadfast players and a whole day of gameplay. Unlike most war-based board games, Diplomacy has no element of chance. The entire game is based on negotiation: Players spend 15 minutes per round forming (and betraying) alliances with other players.

On Sunday, Beloved hosted a Diplomacy game. There were twelve people in attendance (seven players, two alternates, two slaves, and one wife). Although silvara and I were not OBVIOUS slaves, we were definitely in service for the group, and I am extremely grateful for her help and company. While the men played, the rest of us had interesting discussions, ranging from politics to meditation (Beloved's retreat is still very much a topic of interest) to food to weather to childrearing to the sanctity of marriage and the impacts of the feminist movement. Perhaps the latter was the most interesting, since silvara and I had our submissive relationships in mind as we answered...

At one point in the game, Beloved asked if "you girls would cook up some burgers" and I jumped to comply. One of the other players expressed great surprise..."That wouldn't have been MY wife's response..." I had to suppress my laugh.

Keeping Boy occupied was reasonably okay with the other non-players. silvara and I ended up taking him out for a long walk (we only went around the block, but with a 20-month old, that took nearly an hour!).

The game ran for about eight hours. By the end, I was very ready to have some personal quiet "just me" time, but Beloved invited the guys to play some video games. At first, Boy was content to sit with DaDa...but then he wanted the controller. After being given a non-working one, Boy decided he'd had enough of no attention and began to be a nuisance by turning off the television or Xbox. That got the guys angry. I know I was feeling my own exasperation at being forced back into service, but what else could be done?

I grabbed Boy, a serving tray we needed to return, and the stroller, and headed to the park. It was already dusk and the mosquitoes were out, so we walked pretty briskly. When we reached our neighbors' house to return the tray, they decided to join us at the park and then walked us home because it was dark...

It was 9:30...long after Boy's bedtime! Everyone had left and Beloved expressed a bit of worry that we'd disappeared. I bit back a tart reply and set about getting Boy to bed. Returning downstairs, Beloved had finished picking up from the day and pulled me into a warm hug, thanking me for all I'd done during the day. I brushed it off politely...it was what I was expected to do...it was my pleasure to serve...but Beloved shook his head.

I followed him upstairs where I lotioned his feet and climbed into bed next to him. Again, he told me what a wonderful job I'd done all weekend, and that I deserved a treat. Maybe that new collar...

I am stunned. I didn't know how to respond at the idea, but the more I thought about it, the more I'm uncomfortable with such a reward. There are so many other things that need to be purchased for the house and spending $200 on a collar, no matter how beautiful, just makes me feel a little sick to my stomach. Beloved says that I am getting as bad as him about denying myself because there are "more pressing" purchases that could be made...

Does anyone else have difficulty accepting finery or other expensive gifts as a reward for being a good slave? Do you and your Dom have a system for such things?

Displayed

Yesterday, we left Boy and went to a house demolition to save some stuff from the landfill. If you have never done a demolition job, basically you go into a house that is scheduled to be torn apart and haggle over stuff left inside. Gorgeous crown moldings, hardwood floors, appliances, landscaping, even furniture! Once a price is settled on and you pay up, it is up to you to remove the items and haul them away. It was hot and sweaty work, but we scored six old oak doors with original glass knob hardware, a pair of cast-iron potracks, some features for the bathrooms, all for about $200!

That evening, Halder and silvara came over. Originally there was talk about doing more work...on the library, on the garden, on whatever...but by 5 pm, Beloved and I were both worn out with that, so instead we hung out. We girls were granted permission to go to SallyAnn's for a few more additions to silvara's wardrobe and picked up dinner. Beloved misplaced his keys and while Halder chased Boy around, Beloved picked up the house hoping to find the wayward keys. Apparently, there was also some discussion about the slaves...Halder wanted to know how Beloved administered such punishment without marking me.

I located the keys while the food was set out, which pleased Beloved. After eating and getting boy to bed, silvara was given the choice to play a game and then the Masters would use me to demonstrate a few things, or to skip the game and go straight to the demonstration. We ended up playing Dominoes for a long while...I was beginning to drag and really dreading being used. Finally, I mentioned to Beloved that I was very tired...

I think the general agreement was to put off the demo and I'm not quite sure what changed that. Before I quite knew what was happening, I was bent over the table and being flogged. I went from being an active person to being a discussed model. It was kind of hard to accept, but at the same time, I did not want to interrupt Beloved. He was displaying his pet as well as his skill, and I had no place to add to the conversation.

I was in a black sports bra, ankle-length skirt, and my slave bell anklets, so the flogger didn't have much flesh to pink up. I was told to move to the living room where there was more space. I was standing before the television, my hands on top of the box...just above my head so that I could lean forward some. After Beloved demonstrated the different kinds of swings he could do with the flogger, as well as the different slight marks and effects of such swings, he told me to drop my skirt.

I felt so embarrassed and exposed in nothing but the bra and anklets. I let my hair fall forward over my face, but I don't think either Master paid much attention to that. Beloved began to demonstrate different kinds of spankings...full hand, cupped hand, fist, fingers...and locations...high on the hips, on the full buttocks, on the upper thighs, between the butt cheeks. My ass was hot and stinging...so was my face.

Beloved stopped for a bit and had me stand straight so he could show Halder the results. I immediately went into "preen", trying to soften my grimaces as the sore spots were prodded and touched. There was a lot of discussion about the sensitivity and the importance of coloration, skin texture, body language. There was a part of me that listened in fascination because I'd never heard Beloved's careful consideration of each session. I knew it was there...but I'd never known what it was he was judging.

At the mention of sensitivity, Halder brought up the paddle as an example of a rougher surface. I never got a chance to express my thanks for that...Beloved was wavering between the paddle and the Koncis spatula for the heavier work, and the paddle is a little easier to take...

Beloved had me return my hands to the television, picked up the paddle, caressing my already stinging bottom with the rough side, and told me he wanted me to count these. At once I was terrified. I swallowed, and was able to answer Beloved's, "Are you ready for me, pet?" with a reasonably even "Yes, Master I am ready."

I screamed on the first strike. I shook my head, gripped the edge on the television, and managed "One" out of sheer will. By the third one, I was begging, tears on my cheeks, the slave bells ringing as I danced in place. It was only my determination to make Master proud that kept me standing there for the full ten.

Beloved then picked up the tassel and ran that over my raw skin, making me moan and shudder. He was very accurate when he said even that light touch makes me feel every one of those heavy strikes all over again.

Once more, I was told to stand for examination, and I preened, trying to ignore the tears dripping off my nose and chin, trying to quiet the hisses of pain at the lightest touch, trying to be beautiful despite everything. My arms began to ache and tremble, but the Masters continued to discuss toys, techniques. I was on the verge of crying all over again...How could I possibly maintain the pose much longer?

At last, Beloved told me to pull up my skirt (which burned on my skin) and took me into his arms, whispering praise for me. Halder and silvara gathered the rest of their things to leave, and came to say goodnight. silvara kissed me, whispering that she was sorry. Halder thanked me and praised my submission. I had so little left of offer that I couldn't respond well...

Beloved took me upstairs and proceeded to give me aftercare attentions with lotion and tender touches over my entire back side, from my neck to my feet, murmuring his appreciation for me, inspecting me for damage (there was none...which, I suppose, was the whole point of the demonstration), and generally taking care of me.

I still had a difficult coming down enough to slip into sleep, and my ass was sore so finding a comfortable position was really difficult, but eventually everything melted into dreams.

Lesson learned...maybe.

On Wednesday, we had our monthly Cranium Nite. Earlier that day, Beloved told me, "I have something planned for you this evening, so be ready for me." Foolish girl, I protested. Company was coming, how could I prepare if I didn't know what to expect?

Beloved Master: Just be aware that i may call upon you at any time and expect you to comply.
Did I get the message? Nnnnnoooooooo.

girl: Master, you are making this difficult for me
Beloved Master: *raised eyebrow* Is it supposed to be easy on you? Is being ready for your masters call such a burden?
girl: no...it's just...with company coming, it's a little difficult
Beloved Master: I realize that, are you saying you cant handle being ready to come when I summon because of company?
girl: *soft sigh* I will be ready for you, Master.
Beloved Master: Pet, I'll only say this one more time... At some point tonight I may desire your attention and compliance, when I do I want you to drop whatever you are doing and come to me.
girl: yes, Master

Beloved's mother (who is vanilla, just to be clear), Halder, and silvara joined us early for supper. silvara was a fantastic help, as always, first assisting to make dinner and then by helping to clean up afterwards.

Cranium was a blast, with eleven people crowded around the table meant for six. It was late by the time most people left. Halder and silvara stuck around a little longer and while I hadn't forgotten Beloved's caution, I thought I was off the hook
due to the hour. The first hint of otherwise was when Beloved began rubbing my feet.

I assumed he was going to chew them...I hate that and he loves to make me squirm...but he continued to rub higher until he was playing with my pussy right in front of Halder and silvara. I tried to be nonchalant about it, but it came off as a stone-walled bored expression which irritated Beloved. He proceeded to tell Halder about my transgression in chat...that I'd protested and when I finally submitted, it was with a TYPED OUT sigh!

I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. This wasn't going to be good. Beloved stood over me and ordered me to fetch the toybag.

We had talked about playing with Halder and silvara, but I hadn't expected THAT. I started to get angry. It wasn't fair to drag silvara into *my* punishment. I wasn't sure this was kosher with Halder. How could Beloved do this when it was already after 10:30???

I did as I was told, and Beloved proceeded to chain me bent over the pool table. silvara was unable to maintain the position due to a shoulder injury, but Halder offered alternative options. I was broiling inside, and was determined not to make a fool of myself (um...duh...anyone see where this is going?).

Beloved demanded my acceptance. "Pet, are you ready for me?"
"Yes, Master, I am ready," came through gritted teeth.

He flogged me for about 100 strikes (yes, I counted even though he told me not to.) and then switched to his hand and other toys. He bent over me a few times and asked where I was, and I was sullen in my responses. I had my eyes tight shut, but I could hear silvara crying and gasping out, and I felt shamed for having involved her. Still, I was quiet, barely gasping, even when Beloved began with the belt. His strikes were very un-distributed, landing almost solely on my right buttock. It hurt and I just sank further into my rage. Finally, he kissed me, released me.

Halder and silvara were sitting on one of the couches, obviously coming down, and Beloved asked that I sit at his feet. I couldn't...not evenly, anyway...so he patted the couch, instructing me to lay over his lap. He began petting me and praising both silvara and me...I almost fell apart at that point. I was beginning to realize I was being stupid and ungraceful in my submission. Beloved whispered to me that I could go and apologize to silvara for involving her, which I did. We kissed gently and hugged each other. Beloved then suggested I speak to Halder...I wasn't sure in the moment WHAT about. I protested vaguely, my eyes wandering to the uncleaned up game, the toys strewn about the room...I had work I had to see to. Beloved shook his head and silvara jumped up and began seeing about the minor work. He followed her, leaving me to talk with Halder.

Halder praised me as well, and I shook my head. I knew I'd done poorly...that my sullen reactions were quite clear, that I'd failed to "be ready" for my Beloved Master. I explained my anger, especially about forcing silvara into the situation. Halder stopped me cold there. He was the one that had made that decision, not me, not Beloved. He could have decided to leave, and instead had thoroughly enjoyed the situation. That it had been a little hard, because there are still feelings between him and me, but he hoped we would all play again soon...

By the end of our (maybe) ten minute talk, I was in tears and the pickup was all done. I approached Beloved sincerely and apologized for being such a brat and difficult girl. We said our goodnights to Halder and silvara and went upstairs where we continued to talk for nearly an hour, mostly my apologies and trying to sort out why I had submitted but not surrendered...

In my head, things are well. Unfortunately, Beloved pulled my pants down this morning. I could hear the disgust in his voice when he asked what I'd done yesterday. I couldn't think of anything that would garner that reaction...the only thing I could think of was the punishment I'd taken two days ago. I hadn't bruised right away, but it was a deep ache, and I guess it's worked out to the skin...



Beloved is now angry with himself and I'm feeling like a poor pet...If I'd surrendered myself and been able to express to Beloved the pain he was inflicting, perhaps he wouldn't have tried to force it from me. Instead, my Master feels like HE failed and that makes me ache...

It's a complicated equation for me. Vixen posted a while ago about being a brat. She wrote, "I see a brat as someone who has an independent streak, a fire, a strong will. Cheeky at times but generally playful. A brat isn't a bitch, a brat is someone who likes to have fun. Sometimes we push it, sometimes it gets us in trouble but it is WHO we are."

That is very much true for me. I try to express my personality in writing, typing out "smiles" "blushes" and "sighs". It got me in trouble, in more ways than one. I'd like to say that I will be more obedient with Beloved Master in the future, but Vixen's caution rings in my ears...

"...it is WHO we are."

New adventures

Last night when we headed to bed, I was craving Beloved's cock. He was amused by this and allowed me to suckle him for a little while. He then told me to get a condom and had me ride on top of him...something I haven't been able to do since he returned home because of my back (much much better, by the way. a wonder what a week of rest will do to spasming muscles!). After writhing and coming very close to orgasm, Beloved grabbed my hips and fucked me hard, driving me into an orgasm. He didn't climax, though, and flipped me over. He asked if I wanted to try something new, and pressed his cock against my ass.

*blush* Anal sex as been a big part of my fantasies for a long time, but early in our relationship, Beloved made it clear that the ass was an exit only. I've made hints over the years, and occasionally he's teased me with a toy, but we've never actually had anal sex. My cyber Master, on the other hand, was rather insistent on the purchase of graduated butt plugs to get me ready for a cock, just in case Beloved changed his mind. I've been trying to spend at least an hour with the smallest of them in my ass each day and have gotten fairly used to it.

I was totally surprised at Beloved's advances, but I didn't hesitate more than a few seconds. I grabbed some lubricant, but I don't think Beloved used enough. He managed to get the head of his cock in, but it just hurt sooo much! *frowns* The bright side is I didn't tear or bleed, so maybe the stretching exercises are doing something. I have more practice and stretching on the horizon...

A Very Merry Unbirthday...

We had a small birthday celebration for me to make up for the fact that we didn't have a party or cake ON my birthday. There were both vanillas and kinksters present. That was interesting, but everyone got along pretty well. Halder managed to get a few discreet swats on my ass over the night, but mostly they were just friendly swipes. Beloved gave me a more fitting birthday spanking later that night. I did ask for it since I teased about getting through my party without a spanking. *wry smile* Be careful what you ask for!