Lesson learned...maybe.

On Wednesday, we had our monthly Cranium Nite. Earlier that day, Beloved told me, "I have something planned for you this evening, so be ready for me." Foolish girl, I protested. Company was coming, how could I prepare if I didn't know what to expect?

Beloved Master: Just be aware that i may call upon you at any time and expect you to comply.
Did I get the message? Nnnnnoooooooo.

girl: Master, you are making this difficult for me
Beloved Master: *raised eyebrow* Is it supposed to be easy on you? Is being ready for your masters call such a burden?
girl: no...it's just...with company coming, it's a little difficult
Beloved Master: I realize that, are you saying you cant handle being ready to come when I summon because of company?
girl: *soft sigh* I will be ready for you, Master.
Beloved Master: Pet, I'll only say this one more time... At some point tonight I may desire your attention and compliance, when I do I want you to drop whatever you are doing and come to me.
girl: yes, Master

Beloved's mother (who is vanilla, just to be clear), Halder, and silvara joined us early for supper. silvara was a fantastic help, as always, first assisting to make dinner and then by helping to clean up afterwards.

Cranium was a blast, with eleven people crowded around the table meant for six. It was late by the time most people left. Halder and silvara stuck around a little longer and while I hadn't forgotten Beloved's caution, I thought I was off the hook
due to the hour. The first hint of otherwise was when Beloved began rubbing my feet.

I assumed he was going to chew them...I hate that and he loves to make me squirm...but he continued to rub higher until he was playing with my pussy right in front of Halder and silvara. I tried to be nonchalant about it, but it came off as a stone-walled bored expression which irritated Beloved. He proceeded to tell Halder about my transgression in chat...that I'd protested and when I finally submitted, it was with a TYPED OUT sigh!

I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. This wasn't going to be good. Beloved stood over me and ordered me to fetch the toybag.

We had talked about playing with Halder and silvara, but I hadn't expected THAT. I started to get angry. It wasn't fair to drag silvara into *my* punishment. I wasn't sure this was kosher with Halder. How could Beloved do this when it was already after 10:30???

I did as I was told, and Beloved proceeded to chain me bent over the pool table. silvara was unable to maintain the position due to a shoulder injury, but Halder offered alternative options. I was broiling inside, and was determined not to make a fool of myself (um...duh...anyone see where this is going?).

Beloved demanded my acceptance. "Pet, are you ready for me?"
"Yes, Master, I am ready," came through gritted teeth.

He flogged me for about 100 strikes (yes, I counted even though he told me not to.) and then switched to his hand and other toys. He bent over me a few times and asked where I was, and I was sullen in my responses. I had my eyes tight shut, but I could hear silvara crying and gasping out, and I felt shamed for having involved her. Still, I was quiet, barely gasping, even when Beloved began with the belt. His strikes were very un-distributed, landing almost solely on my right buttock. It hurt and I just sank further into my rage. Finally, he kissed me, released me.

Halder and silvara were sitting on one of the couches, obviously coming down, and Beloved asked that I sit at his feet. I couldn't...not evenly, anyway...so he patted the couch, instructing me to lay over his lap. He began petting me and praising both silvara and me...I almost fell apart at that point. I was beginning to realize I was being stupid and ungraceful in my submission. Beloved whispered to me that I could go and apologize to silvara for involving her, which I did. We kissed gently and hugged each other. Beloved then suggested I speak to Halder...I wasn't sure in the moment WHAT about. I protested vaguely, my eyes wandering to the uncleaned up game, the toys strewn about the room...I had work I had to see to. Beloved shook his head and silvara jumped up and began seeing about the minor work. He followed her, leaving me to talk with Halder.

Halder praised me as well, and I shook my head. I knew I'd done poorly...that my sullen reactions were quite clear, that I'd failed to "be ready" for my Beloved Master. I explained my anger, especially about forcing silvara into the situation. Halder stopped me cold there. He was the one that had made that decision, not me, not Beloved. He could have decided to leave, and instead had thoroughly enjoyed the situation. That it had been a little hard, because there are still feelings between him and me, but he hoped we would all play again soon...

By the end of our (maybe) ten minute talk, I was in tears and the pickup was all done. I approached Beloved sincerely and apologized for being such a brat and difficult girl. We said our goodnights to Halder and silvara and went upstairs where we continued to talk for nearly an hour, mostly my apologies and trying to sort out why I had submitted but not surrendered...

In my head, things are well. Unfortunately, Beloved pulled my pants down this morning. I could hear the disgust in his voice when he asked what I'd done yesterday. I couldn't think of anything that would garner that reaction...the only thing I could think of was the punishment I'd taken two days ago. I hadn't bruised right away, but it was a deep ache, and I guess it's worked out to the skin...



Beloved is now angry with himself and I'm feeling like a poor pet...If I'd surrendered myself and been able to express to Beloved the pain he was inflicting, perhaps he wouldn't have tried to force it from me. Instead, my Master feels like HE failed and that makes me ache...

It's a complicated equation for me. Vixen posted a while ago about being a brat. She wrote, "I see a brat as someone who has an independent streak, a fire, a strong will. Cheeky at times but generally playful. A brat isn't a bitch, a brat is someone who likes to have fun. Sometimes we push it, sometimes it gets us in trouble but it is WHO we are."

That is very much true for me. I try to express my personality in writing, typing out "smiles" "blushes" and "sighs". It got me in trouble, in more ways than one. I'd like to say that I will be more obedient with Beloved Master in the future, but Vixen's caution rings in my ears...

"...it is WHO we are."