Compliment, *sigh* and DD_ss Year 2010 prompt

So this morning I was flipping through e-mail and Beloved poked his head around the corner.

I got an odd e-mail on Fet. Someone mailed me and said that it looked like I'd trained the perfect domestic slave and would I be open to training another girl. What do you think?

I was amused, but practical...we don't have any place to board her right now, blah blah blah. Maybe his response should be that he'd discuss it with his alpha girl...

Later, curiosity got the best of me and I'd asked if I could see the message. He claimed to have deleted it, but then I asked how you delete things because I didn't know how, and he then said I caught his bluff...that he was just trying compliment me...that I was the best domestic he knew.

*ducks head, crinkles toes, blush, and grin*

Unfortunately, Boy is SICK. Poor kid has a nasty case of pink eye (more like red eye...totally blood shot and looked like someone punched him) as well as a cold. He's barely tolerant of the eye drops, but they burn and hurt and it makes me ache to hold him in my arms for the two minutes per the instructions. We've had to cancel most of our plans for tonight...Oddlots is coming over, but that's about it. Oh well, it will be a good change.

Which leads me to the DD_ss Year 2010 journal prompt

We're rapidly coming to the end of 2009 and all of its chaos and turbulence. Are you ready to leave it behind? Do you believe that 2010 will be a brighter tomorrow? When you approach the new year do you make personal resolutions towards positive change or do you slip into the new year as comfortably as you slip out of the old year? Do you believe in making resolutions and do they work for you? Do you make promises to yourself that are left broken and discarded 3 weeks into January? What works for you? Does January 1st, 2010 represent just another day for you or is the platform from which you will spring into a healthier and more balanced you?

I honestly haven't given 2010 much thought. I gritted my teeth all the way until Christmas to get my 2010 calendar (Thank you so much Sterling and Remmy!!!), but now I'm almost afraid to fill it out. While I hadn't thought about making any resolutions, perhaps I should.

On the recommendation of Felicitous_Dove several months ago, I signed up for Laura Doyle's newsletter from The Surrendered Wife. I won't say that I buy into her ideas hook, line, and sinker...but there is something there. I'm absolutely terrible about self-care. I'm not about to take up a manicure/pedicure addiction, but I can see how setting some boundaries might improve things in my life.

How much of these resolutions relate to your M/s or D/s relationships? Do you conscientiously try to modify your behavior to better please your Master or do you make efforts to improve yourself intellectually or emotionally for him/her?

*wry smile* Um...how does setting boundaries mesh with my D/s? That's a good question. Two possibilities:

* Being more careful not to over-extend myself. I tend to try to please EVERYONE, which makes me run thin and eventually fall apart, and Beloved has to pick me up and glue me back together. If I set some boundaries AND STICK WITH THEM, I won't run so thin, I'll be happier, thus better able to serve Beloved.

* Making space for Beloved and me ONLY. I've actually been working on this that last day or so...clearing all of the kids' stuff out of the Master suite and looking at locking door knobs. Besides the playtime aspect, the room could be our place for mediation and grounding.

I don't think I will try to make a resolution about modifying my behavior beyond this because it would no doubt a broken and discarded promise 3 weeks into January. Besides, learning to say NO gracefully is pretty mega-huge for this pixie.

*laughs* The good part about Boy being sick is I'm pretty much not giving a hoot about the house. We de-Chrismas-ifed it, put up some New Year's stuff, and that's about what I'm doing. In fact, three hours before people arrive, and I'm even contemplating a NAP! How is that for a start on self-care? I hope you have a wonderful evening and I'll see you in the new year!

I'm just thick-skulled...

I got a letter in the mail from Beloved's mother.

Hey Lady!
I just want you to know how much I appreciate you!
You have wonderful children. No 2 can be compared. Each has his or her special needs/greatness and you bring that out in them by your love and attention. You have a touch of greatness and independent thought that brings out the best in your kids, husband, family, and friends. It's often hard but you do a wonderful job. Count the smiles in your home rather than the frowns. You are very much a part of the smiles. Look to your God for strength and keep up the good work! We are all very proud of you!! Thank you for your help and support!

Okay, yeah...I'm crying.

I crave the words, but I do not take praise very well. *wry smile* I've already deleted the words that try to belittle the message twice. Like I said, sometimes, I am just thick-skulled.

The time! The time! Who has the TIME?!?

Gods...if anyone has any to spare...I'm cleaning out the kids toys, cleaning house, cleaning the bedroom, and even being down one child I do not have enough TIME...

*sigh* I guess I'd settle for for some plain old motivation. Maybe if I got some sense of satisfaction when I did complete something? Except that everything is just has that re-run feel. Laundry, pick up, cleaning... It never ends. *frowns* Beloved said today that maybe we should "re-examine your role in the household".


Beloved Master: I think it may be time to re-examine your role in the household.
pixie: reexamine my role?
Beloved Master: It's been a long time since I heard you say anything positive about being at home.
pixie: i'm sorry
Beloved Master: Perhaps a daycare / school option is something we should be looking into. I am not scolding, you don't need to be sorry, I am observing.

I launched into the reasons.

*I am feeling very overwhelmed by the house right now.
*I'm not getting enough sleep. I really can't afford to stay up until 11:30 pm.
*I am feeling like people are pissed off that we can't have everyone and their uncle over for the NYE party, but the space we have is limited, especially by all the holiday stuff.
*I am tired of fighting with Boy over my computer. Grandma let him find Batman games on her laptop, and now Boy thinks he should be allowed to play them on my computer any time he wants...but he can't play them without help...so, yeah.

*cocks head* I honestly don't mind doing chores...but I do resent not being given time to do them. Does that make sense? Back to not having enough time...or enough motivation. Or both. *sigh* Beloved's going to be home any moment and I HAVE GOT TO FINISH picking up the toys. Again...

No rest for the wicked...

...although I've never really considered myself "wicked". Pixies are mischievous, not wicked. So I should get some rest, no??? *sigh*

It's been fun-filled chaos for the last several days. I sneakily set the Christmas traditions to post for me, but I really haven't had the chance to be online much in the last week. Let's see...

Christmas Eve was spent doing some last minute grocery shopping and then celebrating with my family. My aunt is a true matriarch and had about 40 of us over for a traditional feast. I absolutely adore her pecan tartlets, and I don't think I will ever have the patience to make them myself.

Christmas Day was probably our last Christmas of sleeping past 7am...I don't think Boy entirely understood what "Santa is coming" meant. We got up and opened a few presents, had some breakfast, and did stockings with Beloved's mother. Then RedVulpes arrived with his tribe and we opened more presents. I managed to cook up our feast amid the chaos that is only possible when you have five children on Christmas Day. We ate, opened the last of the presents, had some cookies, saw Grandma off for the night and SUCCESSFULLY had all five children asleep by 8:30 pm!!! Woot! Go us! Of course, we were stupidly up until 11pm playing cards...

Boxing Day we had breakfast and packed the entire crew up and off we went to a family reunion. I have to say that Fox River Resort was a pretty impressive stay! I cooked for the fifteen of us, which kept me pretty occupied, but I would have loved to stay for a little longer. RedVulpes, Beloved, and I were up late again playing cribbage (hehe, I won!). It was a rough night with the girls (my neices, Girl, and I shared a cabin), but we muddled through.

Newt day was a little edgy. We got a bunch of family photos, which was really awesome, and then Uncle D and I braved the wilderness with the four kids for a sledding adventure. We managed to get back and have some hot cocoa and lunch before the uncles took the kids BACK out for more sledding. We played a couple of hands of Shanghai before the kids came back...this time we popped them into the jacuzzi to warm up. Then it was a pick up, pack up, and hugs goodbye...back to our house for a speedy fast dinner and super-speedy fast pack up of all RedVulpes' kids stuff...then they headed home.

Beloved and I got our two kids to bed by 8:15pm and were in bed ourselves by 8:45!

Of course, the break is temporary. I'm hosting a kids' party at 11am on New Year's Eve, followed by an adult party at 7pm. Even if it IS pot-luck-ish, it's hosting. *wry smile* Yes, I love it...but...well...yeaaaaaah. Three major gigs in less than four weeks is a little stupid. My bad.

Here's the TMI bit...Don't read if you don't like gross-out details.....



















Though all of that, I've had a super-heavy moontime. Since I use a Keeper I happen to KNOW how heavy...try 17 ounces heavy. A normal flow is less than 3 oz. I know it's only the second cycle since having Girl, but this is a little insane. I'll talk to the doctor at my next appointment. Lucky me, I am due for a regular gyine examine in January....

So, yeah, I'm a little exhausted, moody, and achy.

DD_ss Christmas Traditions

Have you created your own Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa celebrations and traditions or have you carried them over from when you were a child? What do you do which is very special to you and your family?

One of my "traditions" is the Christmas tree. *soft smile* Beloved has indulged me for the last five years in my hunt for the perfect white pine. After letting the branches drop and putting the lights on, the ornaments come out...many belonged to my mother, were hand-made by me or other family members, and most have some story behind them.

Another one of my traditions is the Santa Clause collection. It started shortly after my mother was married, but she received a new Santa every year. The year she died, one of her best friends mailed a Santa addressed to me, and thus I inherited the tradition. *wry smile* I've been promising pictures of various things...I'll add the collection to the list.

Beloved didn't have many family traditions, but one that he and his friends started is BaconFest. Because we have so many December birthdays, about seven years ago we decided that instead of doing gifts at Christmas, we would all get together and have a fest and share the most important Christmas gift of all: friendship. As a theme, we chose bacon...every food item HAD to have bacon as an ingredient! BaconFest has grown every year since that first gathering of the six of us.

Do you reserve a small part of your Christmas to revive or reaffirm the power exchange which lies between your slave and you?

The last two years, I have done two stockings for Beloved. One is for the family celebration, one is for my Beloved Master. I don't know if this is a reaffirmation, but it's fun.

Christmas can be a struggle for some. It's a time of the year when the stress of shopping and scrounging for extra money can turn normally pleasant people into Scrooges...How do you meld those heartbreaking parts of your life with this time of year when the smile on your face feels like a mask?

Back when Beloved and I were in college, we started up a silly tradition for EXACTLY this reason...although in a way, it IS putting on a mask. We have dressed up...me in elf-ears and silly clothes, him with one of those door-bows tied in his hair, and we arms ourselves with a big bag of mini candy-canes. Then we head to the mall! There is usually no plan to BUY anything, but we cheerfully approach worn-out parents, tired sales clerks, and fussy kids and offer them a candy cane and a Merry Christmas. I think of it as a way to remind people what this is supposed to be about.

It's the time of year when some look at empty chairs at their dining room table and know that person will never raise a glass of wine in toast again. It's a time of the year when some spend nights twisting and turning in their beds trying to hold the devastating ache of loss inside. Christmas can be bittersweet.

We try to focus on the good memories. For some reason, I have become the person who inherits the stockings of those who are no longing in this world. Most of the stockings were hand-made...my mother's, Beloved's father's, other friends. There is an ache every year when I open the stocking box, and it is bittersweet, but I also remember special Christmases with those people...The little surprises, the silly stories. They live on in our hearts.

Submissive Journal Prompts

from lunaKM

What is one of the most valuable services you can or do provide?

If I am to be totally honest, I believe that my happiness is the service Beloved desired most. It sounds kind of ironic, but he is often telling me that all he needs is my smile.

This is one of the reasons that we entered into the D/s in the first place...because I was in despair and depressed about my life and I didn't value my service or myself enough. Through the D/s, there is a little more structure for appreciation of my service, for Beloved to (try to) place limitations on what I attempt, and for general balance and happiness in the house. No, it isn't perfect. I still take a little blue soul vitamin every day, but in giving my service to Beloved, he gives me purpose and happiness, which enables me AND Beloved to continue on.

I chose this particular prompt because I need to remember this...it is an important lesson. Beloved wants me to be happy, above all else. No service is greater than my smile.

What helps/helped you to surrender in the first place?

From slave_mollee on Fet...

What made you want to surrender in the first place?
I was overwhelmed by life as a mother. I was struggling with PPD and the lack of supervision/feedback on my role. After a scary brush with the medical profession, I begged Beloved to give me guidance. We haven't exactly had a perfect entry into M/s, but it has helped me accept motherhood and a stay-at-home life.

What helps you to stay like that?
There have been ups and downs, but Beloved takes such good care of me. Especially when I get into a panic, he steps in and tells him what I need to focus on. Beloved is also amazingly patient with me...sometimes to the point that I can barely understand.

What are some vanilla things you do on a daily basis for your Owner?
*laughs* what DON'T I do? I very much identify as a service submissive, so being of service is easy. I take care of the house, the children, the meals, the bills, the laundry, and so on.

What are some lifestyle things you do on a daily basis?
That's a much harder question to answer. I think the closest DAILY lifestyle thing is asking if there is something Beloved would like me to address during the day.

What keeps it real for you?
Real? I'm not sure it's "real". My submission is almost an escape from my reality, and I am so very grateful Beloved gives it to me.

Picture Day

I promised pictures of a couple of things...

like my blue hair...

and my training collar...

Here is our Christmas tree

and my Santa collection

What else did I promise you?

I am so done.

I could really use a GOOD day, ya know? I have a laundry list, and it is just snowballing me. I want to just crawl under the blankets and come out in fifteen days...

STILL learning complaisance

Yeah, I fucked up. Again. Same spot, slightly different variation. I struggle with a "good girl" complex. While I have no problem talking about sex, kinks, BDSM in a clinical sense, when the discussion turns to ME, I shut down pretty quick. As has been pointed out, this a a very normal reaction for someone with my history. I don't want to admit wanting dirty, perverted sex because maybe that will mean I asked for what happened to me...blah, blah, blah. I have tread that line of thought before.

In this story, my "cheat" was with someone I have had permission to play with before. The problem is that in this case, I acted without telling Beloved. Beloved knew I had fun with Jason...knows I have had sex with him...knows I'm curious about anal play...Didn't know I had acted on the curiosities with Jason.

I do not know that I can give a truly accurate story to you about me and Jason...it happened back in early July...I don't remember the date. Beloved and I were pretty much not having sex because he was frustrated with hurting me and I had thrown up after giving him the blow job. I had asked a couple of times and Beloved had pretty much told me that it just didn't seem to work well. I was hurt and embarrassed that I wasn't "good enough" for him...never mind the pregnancy and hyperemesis... And I was missing him.

Jason caught me online and asked how things were, if I wanted him to clean the carpets before the baby arrived... We had talked about doing it after J&j left, so I went ahead and picked a date. Jason fell through because a bigger emergency job came up. Later, he apologized for ditching me and offered to take care of the carpets no charge. I don't think I told Beloved about it because I was being teased by Beloved and Adaya about having a crush on Jason and getting stood up. After cleaning the carpets, he pulled out a bottle of lotion and offered to massage me.

Yes, I do like Jason. Yes, I do like the naughtiness of fucking him. Yes, I am flattered by the attention he gives me.

He started kissing me and...I melted. He kissed me and caressed me and undressed me in the living room. The carpet was still damp and actually felt really nice because it was one of the warmer days. The massage didn't really happen...he nipped at my neck and had his hands on my breasts, and I could feel his cock pressing against my thigh. He took one of my hands and pressed it against his fly, and I responded by groping him back. I said nothing when he unzipped so that I could play with his cock, and when he pulled a condom out of his pocket, I closed my eyes. I wanted it...I wanted to be worshiped and lusted after in the way Beloved hadn't for weeks. I wanted to feel beautiful and sexy...and I did with Jason.

We had chatted a few times over the year about kinks and anal sex had come up more than once. He knew I'd played with butt plugs a little, that Beloved and I had given it a couple of tries, and I had told Jason no one had ever cum in my ass. He knew I was interested, knew I wouldn't ask, knew I probably wouldn't say no. So, instead he went down on me, and while he tongued me, he began using his wet fingers against my asshole. It was so intense and so hot! He started stretching me with his fingers...one, then two...I kept my eyes closed, but I was moaning a lot. He sat up and nudged me over on my side, spooning me. He pressed his cock into my pussy a few times, and then against my ass.

I was totally surprised how little it hurt...I don't know if it was because I was so excited, because of the stretching, or what. He got all the way inside my ass, and just stayed there for a minute or two...letting me adjust. Slowly, he began fucking me. His hands were on my breasts, his breath hot on my neck. I was writhing against him, and it wasn't long before I heard him groan and knew he had climaxed. We lay there on the floor for a little while, until I teased him about making a mess on the carpets. He pulled out, and the condom stayed...when he removed it, it was an oddly exciting feeling. I can imagine it's sorta like ben-wa balls. I don't know.

He kissed me a few times more and playfully smacked my ass a few times while I got dressed. He left, and the whole situation began to sink in. I felt sick to my stomach and didn't know what to say to Beloved. None of this was okay. Instead of writing or calling Beloved, I tried to make good instead and got the toys put away and most of the first floor back to the way it should be. That backfired on me and I made myself sick trying too hard. I cried for a little while and then laid down, hoping it would all just go away...

It never does...you'd think I would have learned that lesson already.

Instead, Beloved found out about it because I was chatting with Jason the other day, and Jason mentioned what a rise he had gotten from being the first to cum in my ass and that caught Beloved's attention when he was browsing my chat logs.

My punishment was to write out the story for Beloved, and after talking about it for more than an hour this evening, Beloved suggested that it should be published here... After all, that is what the blog is about, right? Learning complaisance. Perhaps if I have to confess often enough I actually WILL learn...some day...

I'm not ready to deal with comments right now...so please just keep your thoughts for now...

Fantastic!

"800,000 doses of children's swine flu vaccine recalled; potency dipped below required levels"

Yeah, I am whole-heartedly a skeptic.

Let's see...what else can I tell you about my life? I've decided to go ahead and do the interview with the blue hair...IF I get the job, I can change it. Thank you Remmy and Sterling-Sir for talking me through that decision!

Resume is revised. It's the same resume that won me the last two jobs I held, with a couple of minor updates, so it will be fine. If they don't like it, *shrug*

I have decided on what Christmas cookies I'm PLANNING to make...now I just have to find the time to do it (um, yeah, right!).

I owe Beloved a story. In our poly-relationship, "cheating" is when you do something that you aren't comfortable telling the other person about. I cheated over the summer, and he found out about it and he wants me to tell him the whole situation. *winces* This has me flip-flopping and in a state of self-loathing. I told him that I can't get anything right, and he very calmly, very lovingly told me to replace "anything" with "everything".

I can't get everything right.

Sometimes I cannot comprehend his love and patience with me, which, perversely, makes me feel worse. *sigh* Some time this week, I will be writing.

*wry smile* Yes, I realize I kinda buried that little confession. *sigh* I'm not proud of myself at the moment...

lost the balance

You know, I was doing pretty well there for a moment. I successfully sent 8 little kids home on Friday with Snowball Soaprizes to surprise people with this holiday. I got rave reviews from people about BaconFest, which was about 45 people and utter insanity on Saturday (it was the first INTERNATIONAL BaconFest as Remmy joined us!). I delighted four children with a Backyardigans' birthday party on Sunday.

By Sunday night, I had gotten ALL of the dishes washed, dried, and put away; about 80% of the week's laundry washed, dried, and folded; toys were all picked up and in relative order; the humidifier was running in the Master bedroom.

Beloved praised me for keeping it together while we played a game of cribbage just before going to bed.

And today, everything seemed to crumble. Girl was up twice in the night, once for about an hour and a half, once for forty-five minutes. Beloved let me sleep in this morning, but rushed me awake because he realized he was running late. Both the kids tag-teamed me all day...when one wasn't whining or crying, the other would pick up the slack. I managed to strip the bed like I promised Beloved only to hear a crash in the kitchen where I found Boy trying to help himself to fruit snacks. It got to be 5 pm and I was clueless about dinner (again). I missed Beloved's call saying he was on his way home because of diapers, and was at the end of my rope and snippy when he and Roomate came in. Beloved volunteered to take Boy to see Santa, only to find out that the hours I had were wrong...

I'm also totally stressed out because a friend of ours, out of the blue, said that there's an opening for a gym teacher at her Montessori school. The idea would be that I'd earn a discount on Boy's tuition, which would be swwweeeeeet!, BUT my hair is electric blue, my resume hasn't been updated since 2005, and they want to do interviews THIS WEEK. GAH!

So...yeah. I lost the balance. I'm going to go do (another) load of laundry, make the bed, and pray tomorrow is a better day.

Down Days...

It's just being one of those days...one where nothing seems right and I feel like saying "awwww, fuck it".

Things I need to accomplish:
* get ice cream and pork roast started
* get soap snowball project cleaned up
* get pick up taken care of
* figure out what to make for dinner TONIGHT
* empty foyer

There's a bunch of other stuff that is weighing on me but not as pressing:
* laundry, laundry, laundry
* finish chores for the week
* make a cake for Sunday's birthday party
* wrap gifts for Sunday's birthday party


Then there's the stuff that's in the back of my head:
* take care of the stingy plants and boxed plant
* get donation stuff out to the car for drop-off (combine with empty foyer?)
* Christmas decorating...after the birthday party...next week???

None of it is that major...but I am just dragging my feet on all of it. :-( Even Beloved's gentle teasings are upsetting me. WTF? *sigh* Foolish girl, I still haven't learned how to say "no", and for some reason Beloved only looks at me and shakes his head instead of throttling me.

Told ya so...

*giggles* Yes, it IS juvenile, but I just couldn't suppress the laughter at the ABC newsbreak "Has swine flu been oversold?"

People just want to get hysterical about stuff these days...our culture watches too much television, and if we don't have enough drama in our lives, we HAVE to invent it.

Submissive Journal Prompt

Do you have any body modifications? Would you ever be interested in pursuing body modification?

My ears are pierced, but that's about it. I used to have a second piercing in my right ear, but that closed up. I had my belly button pierced, but my body rejected the metal (we tried everything...surgical steel, titanium, gold). I've had two pregnancies, which maybe isn't what people typically think of as "body modification", but it does actually change your bone structure. *wry smile*

I have considered a couple of different tattoos for years...serpents wrapped around my wrists, my children's names, a symbol of my faith, a mark from Beloved. I'd probably go for white ink, regardless of the design. I haven't done it because I've never found the perfect design that I think I could live with for the rest of my life.

I have also imagined a pair of branding scars on my back...not designs...just scars. They would be on my shoulder blades, right about the bra-strap level. These would allow others to "see" my wings and remind me of who and what I am. I actually know two people who DO branding and they have said they'd be happy to help...but I am freaked by the process!

"Look at me! Look at me now!" said the cat...

"With a cup and a cake
On the top of my hat!
I can hold TWO books!
I can hold up the fish!
And a little toy ship!
And some milk on a dish!
And look!
I can hop up and down on the ball!
But that is not all!
Oh, no.
That is not all...

If you need to brush up on your Dr. Suess, the title comes from Cat In The Hat, and that was EXACTLY what I was just thinking. Typical pixie I was simultaneously:

* humming under my breath
* holding Girl
* washing the counter
* making bread
* defrosting a roast
* listening to Boy in the bath

Of course, I realize most of this is made possible by modern day convinces like bread machines that do the kneeding and microwaves and baby monitors, but it was still kind of amusing when the quote popped into my head.

I just worry about the next stanza...you know...when ALL the things fall...

Santa's lap dance...

Yeah...alright, so this is a sidetrack post that I am subjecting you to because there are some interesting toys in FetLife's Kinky Santa's bag that I *think* I'd love to surprise Beloved with.

If you can correctly guess MY three picks, I might be able to surprise you with a little something, too...

Shi-ohmygod-i

Okay, if you don't have a FL account, this is going to be pretty useless, but if you DO, go and check out DouglasKent's photos. The ropework is incredible, the girls impossibly flexible, and in general just breath-taking pictures of human artwork!

A Thanksgiving Love Story

I saw you across a crowded room. Among all the others that were there, the lights seemed to shine down on you alone. I knew then I had to have you for my own. Willingly, you came with me to my home. From the car, I carried you & threw open the door.

Looking at you, I admire your body, your well-shaped legs and breasts. Slowly I remove the wraps from around your body, fitting you like a glove, exposing your tender white skin.

From your neck I remove your charms and I carry you off in my arms to the warm water that awaits. The water cascades down your neck, flowing over your soft breasts then, making your legs glisten with wetness. Droplets of water cover your taut skin. My hands rub your body, running them through the beads of water, making them trickle down off your body.

I place my fingers inside you. You are warm and moist, so ready. I carry your still dripping body to a laying place so that I can put inside you what was well prepared to enter you before we even came through the door.

As soon as I lay you down your legs spread open wide. You are ready now and so am I. I put a little in slowly at first, getting a feel for how much you can take in.

I put in more, you take it willingly. In anticipation, faster and faster I put it in, pushing it in deeply as far as I can, until I can't put any more in, you are so tight, with your legs wrapped tightly, not wanting to release any of it.

I make you so hot for a very long time, until your sweet juices escape from within. Then I taste you, with my tongue at first, your skin is so soft and tender. I taste more of you with my mouth, you are so hot and moist, you taste so good. Your juices coating my mouth, making me drool in anticipation of eating you more, with every taste.

"Oh yes", I say to you,

I must say Grace "Thank God for Butterball turkey.... Amen!"

I hope you and yours have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

My ass is clean

My mom was 35 years old when she was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer. For this reason, I endure the fabulous cleansing process of colonoscopies every couple of years, and this was my lucky year. The following may be TMI...you have been warned and will read at your own risk.

I have been on a clear liquid diet since Saturday. I discovered that College Inn makes a new Thai Coconut Curry broth that is AWESOME! Like, it almost made up for the jello, AWESOME! I also decided that I like raspberry jello best out of strawberry, raspberry, apricot, lime, pineapple, and lemon. Oh, and the sugar-free jello really doesn't taste different, but when you are only getting like 800 calories a day, there's really no point. Squirt remains my favorite "lemon-lime" soda.

I did the total purge with TriLyte last night. Don't be fooled by their little "great-tasting variety: Lemon Lime, Orange, Pineapple, 
Cherry, and Citrus Berry" claim...the stuff still tastes nasty. Taking a tab of zofran and chasing it with a swallow of Squirt made it bearable. Thank you so much to Remmy and Sterling for chatting with me for the three hours that I was stuck in the bathroom!

After finishing, I was sore, sore, sore. I took a hot shower and crawled into bed, but the kids weren't exactly cooperative though the night. Between them and my bowels, I was up a lot and neither Beloved or I got much sleep. He was my absolute hero this morning when he took the kids from 7-8:30 and let me sleep a little more!!!

This morning, I was a light-headed and dizzy, but very calm about the procedure. Beloved walked me into the hospital, saw me signed in, and left. I had to pee in a cup and found out I'm NOT pregnant (surprise, surprise), and then stripped to my skivvies and donned the fashionable gown, and crawled into bed. I left the bed FLAT, left the television OFF, pulled the blanket up, closed my eyes, and waited. *laughs* I don't think the nurses knew what to make of that! They wanted to adjust the bed, teach me how to use the remote control, asked if there was anyone with me... I just shook my head and told them I have a baby at home. All I requested was a warmed blanket and the lights off. Napping is gooooood!

My blood pressure was a cool 109/62, pulse 52 beats/minute BEFORE they gave me drugs.

Happily, I don't remember anything about the procedure. There was one polyp that the found and removed and sent for biopsy, but otherwise I'm good. I DO remember snippets of banter while I was getting dressed...I think we horrified the nurse when Beloved said he should confess his infidelity and I responded by asking if there was someone other than Adaya... *chuckles* I wish I could remember if Beloved blushed.

The one thing that I don't remember, and Beloved has thoroughly enjoyed teasing me about, was whether or not I was "clean". I really did take extra steps and extra fasting because the doctor said there was a note about it on my last report...

Yes, it tripped my trigger about not being "good enough". *sigh* Even inadvertent comments get to me, and it really irritates me that I didn't get that little bit of reassurance. Beloved says I could always call the office...

NOT!

Oh well. I think the pictures look good. *snickers* Yeah, I HAD to share, but you were the one that had to look!

Blond moments

Photos of the hair...

(yes, Boy took this glamorous shot!)

Power exchange

"Men desire women directly, women to a certain extent seem to desire the desire that men feel for them"

...this reminds me of what I understand of the gorean and indian perceptions of a woman's true power over men. Thus the need for slavery and total hiding of their bodies. Some women honor this power while others use it as one of the few sources of power this culture has left them to use.

I don't see it as my power, I see it as his power if he understands it and isn't afraid or doesn't let ego get in the way. Often times men are afraid that if they allow a women to know how much he desires her it gives her power over him but if you follow this concept through you realize even the strongest of women will go to the ends of the earth to please a man or remain in a place where she truly feels desired. We're really not all that complicated.

The power is also his in the way that a man's desire is more easily satiated, often times fleeting and in the end it can be simply desire. Where as for a woman it evolves more easily into so much more.

This exchange came from Eunice and SirJimA on FetLife. I read this aloud to Beloved and we both agree the insight is fascinating and enlightening. He said, "Perhaps that is why we work so well; after all these years, I still desire you."

*blush*

Carnal aspects aside, I think there is a lot of truth in the thoughts here...at least in my life. I need to feel wanted, needed, and special IN HIS EYES. As his submissive, the work I do around the house and with the kids is bound up as a service to him. As my Dominant, he gives me recognition and reassurance that I'm not "just a housewife" to him.

When I am struggling or feeling overwhelmed, I allow him to set my priorities and give me focus. Sometimes, that has meant he chains me to the bed so that I nap while he takes the kids out. It sounds kind of ridiculous, but I have a tendency to overwork myself and not take proper care of my own needs. The D/s gives him the authority to step in.

He also takes pride in showing me and my work off in the community, and that in turn gives me pride in all that I do.

Video valium?

I've been blonde since Saturday. I have had a couple of "free" periods that I've suggested going the next step with my hair (blue) and Beloved has shook his head. Not yet...

I finally asked if he just didn't like the idea of blue.

"I have no problem with blue. I just have never had a blowjob from a blonde."

I've been chuckling over that one. Yesterday, he finally got a blowjob from a blonde. I asked if it was any different.

"Not really...but I wish we'd gotten a video of you when you were purple. Maybe we should start a series. When we run out of colors, we could start with strips..."

Oh lord! I'm not so sure about strips! But the rainbow series could be fun....

One of THOSE wives...

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So little time...so much to say!

So little time...just the weekend...and yet I feel like I have so much to say and I don't know quite where to begin!

Friday afternoon...I'll start there. Beloved came home early and let me go out and get my hair cut. It's about chin-length now. I was kinda bummed out because I really wanted to do something shocking and drastic with it, but there just wasn't TIME to do it. I was trying to put on a happy face because we were going to go OUT on a DATE...just us! Frustrated with my hair, I ran home and took a loooooong, hot shower and decided I was just going to make the best of it. I wore my size 16 jeans for the first time in a year (happy dance...I was just fitting into them when I got pregnant, so I've pretty much gotten back to where I started!), a black v-neck shirt, and my black boots. I put my hair up and decided on my jet earrings and silver ear cuffs. I pulled out a necklace, and thought maybe I'd grab Beloved's key...just in case I could talk him into picking up a cord for it...

And I couldn't find it! I could have sworn it was on my dresser...but Boy has taken to playing with the books he can reach up there. Maybe it fell down behind the dresser? I looked...nothing but dustbunnies. Oh gods, what if Boy walked off with it?! I checked my jewelry box just to make sure it wasn't there...cleared the dresser off again. Beloved came in, and I dared to ask if he knew where it was...

"As a matter of fact, I do," he said. He reached into his pocket and pulled it out...on a new cord! He held it up. "Are you sure you want this?"

I almost started crying right there. I nodded, and my voice cracked trying to say "yes!"

He smiled as he tied it around my neck. "Good. You have more than earned it." I kept saying thank you...as we drove to drop the children off, as we drove to the restaurant, as we walked through the mall...Thank you!

For dinner, we went to a place called Todai. J&j had said it had good all-you-could-eat sushi. It was fresh and there was a decent variety, but I choked a little on the cost. *sigh* I'm cheap, what can I say?

We were sitting at the table having gotten our first helping of yummies, when Beloved caught my eye. "I have another gift for you."

I could feel a slight heat on my cheeks. I didn't know this was a gift-giving night. He laughed. "Not for you, it isn't. But maybe I wanted to give you something."

He brought out a simple necklace. Dark-brown cording with lighter brown decorative work on it. The "clasp" was a bead that you fit through a loop. Not something anyone would suspect...

A collar.

He laid it on the table and we talked about it. It is a temporary collar...mostly to be used as a communications tool. When I wear it, certain higher protocols will be expected of me. *wry smile* I could feel the pit opening up in my stomach. What kinds of protocols?

"Mostly what you have been doing when we have been out, like at the DOM or at MTR's."

Okay...but I really wanted specifics. I don't want this to be a trap.

Beloved shook his head. "Neither do I. That isn't fair. So, let's try this and see how it goes. As I discover things I like, I will tell you and we can incorporate them."

When Beloved enters a room or comes to the table, I am to stand and wait until invited to be seated again. Similarly, I am to wait until invited to begin eating.

I am to allow him to open doors for me.

When in the company of other Dominants, I am to lower my eyes.

I am allowed to put the collar on at any time, but only Beloved may take it off or direct me to take it off.

The collar is a means of communication. If I put it on, Beloved may or may not choose to require special service or enforce protocols. If Beloved directs me to don the collar, I am allowed to beg off if I am not in a good place, although I am to submit if Beloved insists. He said he does not want to take advantage of it and have resentment develop or have me get into a place where I end up ripping it off. That is not the goal. Perhaps, in time, if this goes well, he will see about a fancy, more permanent collar...

My head was whirling. He excused himself to get another plate. I touched the collar, picked it up to actually look at it. I pressed the bead through the loop. I looked around and didn't see Beloved. I put the collar down and closed my eyes. Could I... Dare I... What if...

I looked around again before peaking at the collar again. My collar. Beloved's collar. Quickly, I picked it up, put it around my neck, and fumbled to get the bead through the loop. I bit my lip and look up just in time to see Beloved approaching. I jumped to my feet, looking sheepish and shy. Beloved looked at me and smiled.

"Thank you." He sat down and nodded to me, and I sat.

I was floaty and shy and graceless. I stumbled on the protocols and mentally kicked myself repeatedly. Beloved mostly just chuckled at my coltish starts and stops and only once actually corrected me...

But I have earned the next step!

Saturday. I got up with the kids and let Beloved sleep in, although he only slept until about 8:30. He offered to let me nap when the kids went down and I looked at him...what if I wanted to do something else? like mess with my hair? He laughed and said sure...

So while the kids slept, Beloved played his video game and I bleached my hair. I am presently an orangy-honey blonde-ish color. There is blue dye waiting for me, but the bleach process says to wait at least 24 hours before doing another chemical process. *laughs* When Boy saw it, he said, "Momma, you got new hair!" I wonder what he'll think when (if) I go blue...

Beloved and I had a dinner date with Tamin and Nighthawk. I fretted about what to wear, and ended up in all black, which really made the hair stand out. I also found a small amber stone in my jewelry box that practically matches my hair. With some help from Beloved, it got secured to the collar.

Dinner was at Domo77, a hibachi restaurant. While the food was yummy, the environment was not conducive to actual conversation. We chose to go to another place for dessert and talk. Because of an emergency check-in with Boy, I was a bit tardy joining the Doms for dessert, and I felt very much unsure of my place. Could I just join in? No...I was wearing my collar and was supposed to keep my eyes down. It wasn't really a situation where I could serve, either. So, mostly, I just listened. Tamin and Nighthawk asked me about SJW, since their girl is going this year, and I was happy to chatter a little on that. It wasn't until the end of the evening, when energy work came up, that I really pushed to join the conversation... It was interesting to me that Lady Tamin and I seem to have such similar ideas and early experiences...although the background might be vastly different. She didn't volunteer that...It was 11:30 before we got home and to bed.

Sunday was somewhat lost in a tired haze. I wanted to blog, but didn't really get a quiet chance to collect my thoughts. We got the kids down for naps, and Beloved and I joined them. Einhander came over to play video games, I made pizza and did seven loads of laundry, J&j actually showed up to get some of their stuff...*shrug*

So, here it is, Monday, and I'm finally getting most of an hour to write. I need to see if I can get Boy down for a nap and get ready for Game Nite with the poly group tonight...As always, my life marches on! Maybe when I'm dead I'll have time to actually DIGEST what all of this means instead of simply regurgitating it for you, my readers...

Which, if you have actually made it through all of the above babble, thank you for your attention...I'm not sure I'm great entertainment, but I do appreciate your thoughts, shared and unshared. I plan to get some pictures for you soon...

Forgive the rant...

BUT I WANT TO SCREAM!

I wish I could just be selfish and not give a rat's ass what others need or think. I wish I could give in to what *I* want every once in a while and not feel horribly guilty about it. I wish I knew what I wanted so I could consider the first two pieces.

*sigh* It's not exactly what I needed, but it's a little better. I blame the fact that it's Friday the 13th. *wry smile* And besides, if I got what I wished for, I wouldn't be Pixie, now would I? sheesh.

Journal Prompt

Write down the first 5 things that come to your mind when you think about domestic service to your partner. What is involved in these things? How are they unique?

1) Household management. This is deliberately very broad because if I listed individual chores, I'd take up all five things! Household management is everything from outside chores (yardwork, grocery shopping) to housecleaning to laundry and cooking. This is probably the majority of my domestic service to Beloved and I'm not really sure how it is unique - I have a hard time explaining my submission because this particular service is so vanilla. I suppose it might be unique because of the pride *I* take in the house. I feel that it reflects directly on me rather than Beloved.

2) Personal assistant. I often run errands for Beloved, such as dropping off UPS packages, taking care of specific purchases, and other needs that are generally "business hour" places he doesn't have time to get to. I also manage his calendar and provide social networking for him. Again, this is something I have always done, even before D/s, so I'm not sure it is unique. I enjoy being able to provide the extra time for Beloved, though.

3) Hostess. This is just like it sounds...I play hostess or servant for events ranging from vanilla parties to the DOM. I consider this service to be unique because I try to remember and serve to any special preferences a guest might have.

4) Accountant. Managing the finances, paying bills, keeping the household on a sustainable budget, etc. Because I am detail-oriented, getting the bills paid on time is another service that Beloved expects from me. From my understanding, access to money that I haven't personally earned is somewhat unique in the D/s world.

5) Child-rearing. This is a tender subject. Even five months before I got pregnant with Boy, I declared I never wanted to have children. That opinion changed after spending a lot of time with a couple who were pregnant and some heart-to-heart talks with Beloved. *soft smile* He told me that it was the big family reunions that made him want his own children. I always wanted to adopt, but it was very clear this meant a lot to Beloved. While Beloved and I agreed to have children together, I never dreamed I would be the stay-at-home parent. On the bad days, this is most definitely a service I provide! I feel horribly guilty about those feelings, but there are times when it is Beloved's steady voice and stern direction that keep me from panicking. Please don't get me wrong...I love Boy and Girl! This just isn't exactly what I expected out of my life. Of course, if it weren't for the children, I might never have started this journey in the first place...

Silly, shy pixie...

Last Sunday, I slipped on the stairs. I fell off the ladder while taking Halloween decorations down. I did some other asinine thing that a good little vanilla girl would do.

*sigh* Yes, the truth is that I am still a silly, shy pixie. The truth is my husband beat me, and I've been feeling embarrassed about the whole scene. What better thing to do than to put it on the blog, get it out, and maybe in the process figure some things out in my head. Here goes...

When we dropped the children off with Grandma, she asked what we were going to do with our time. Beloved said, "Go home and have sex." I choked; she snickered and told us to have fun. After 15 years, I haven't gotten used to the completely frank relationship there, but I also still blush when Beloved grabs my ass...and after 15 years, he still grabs my ass regularly. Anyhow, we went home and I asked what Beloved wanted to do as he sat down on the couch.

"I plan to put my cock in several of your orifices." This time, I mostly just blushed, dropped to my knees, and reached up to undo his jeans. The sparkle in my eyes betrayed me.

"Going to make this a contest?" I laughed, and didn't answer. He kicked off his jeans, I latched on to his cock, wrapped my arms around his thighs, and didn't stop until he climaxed.

Didn't stop despite his thrashing. Didn't stop despite the hair pulling. Didn't stop despite his throwing himself off the couch, twisting around, dragging me across the room. There was one point that he managed to pin my arms to the floor, only to realize my arms were on top of his legs and he still couldn't escape me. He also managed to stand up partially, but I dragged him back down. He tried begging me to stop and finally...FINALLY promised to be "good" if I'd let him sit in the chair while I licked, sucked, and teased him until he came with an echoing groan.

*giggles* Yes, I was quite please with myself!

Then he shook his head. "There's a switch in you afterall!" What?

"You initiated, you took control, and you did it your way." Oh. um...er...well...I guess I did.

"Don't worry...It was fun. But you did Top me." *ponders*

While I was pondering this, Beloved sat down in front of me.

"I want to try something. Slap me." What?!

"SLAP me. And put something behind it." I gave him a few very playful slaps.

"Slap me, and if you don't put something behind it, then I'll slap you with something behind it!" er...I couldn't do it. It wasn't comfortable. But I did block him when he tried to slap me, which quickly resulted in his pulling me over him and landing a heavy THUD on my ass and the wrestling began.

We both held back...he didn't pin me and avoided most of my chest area (because I'm nursing), I didn't disable him with any crotch-shots...but he punched and slapped me, and I kicked and punched back. There were a couple of back-off moments, teasing feints. At one point, he half-picked me up and I landed on my left shoulder...THAT hurt. A truce was called eventually, and I wasn't nearly as winded as he was and therefore declared myself the "winner"...He rolled his eyes and smiled.

We cuddled a bit, recovering. "Did you enjoy that?"

I could feel my eyebrows knit up. No...er...no...but... But I did. For one thing, Beloved said that I was very strong, and my question about whether or not I could be a victim again was answered. Not easily. If I learned a few pointers about fighting SMART, I would make an attacker's life pretty miserable. THAT made me feel really good. And I felt powerful.

*frowns* Switch? well, maybe...I don't know. I'll have to figure that one out.

I am sporting some interesting bruises. The only GOOD one is on my right arm, but there are a smattering of them everywhere. A lot of them are deep aches. I told Beloved on Monday that I felt like someone had beaten me. He laughed and said he felt the same way.

*wry smile* So that is the real story. It's just taken me a few days to get past the "good little vanilla girl" excuses enough to admit it. And yes, I fully expect a few of you are chuckling at this...

*sigh* What can I say? I'm nothing but a silly, shy pixie.

Weekend survived...

but the kids are a little strung out. Boy hardly let us sleep at all last night, and Girl has been fussy all day. *sigh* It doesn't help that I bruised my left shoulder and that' the side I carry Girl on...

Hopefully the disappearance of candy will eve things out a little...

Zen lesson

One day two traveling monks reached a town and saw a young woman waiting to step out of her sedan chair. There were deep, muddy puddles and she couldn’t step across without getting mud on her silk robes. She impatiently scolded her attendants, who were burdened with heavy packages.

The younger monk walked by the young woman without speaking. But the older monk stopped and picked her up on his back, carrying her across the mud. Not only did she not thank the monk, she shoved him out of her way when he put her down and scurried by him haughtily.

As the two monks continued on their way, the younger monk was brooding. After a long time, he finally spoke out. “That woman was so rude but you picked her up and carried her! She didn’t even thank you.”

“I set the woman down hours ago,” the older monk responded. “Why are you still carrying her?”

I wish I would learn this lesson. I'm tired of being angry with ungrateful people. It only burdens myself.

Rough Body Play

Do you ever wonder where time goes? I do. Frequently these days. Between playdates and classes and lack of sleep, the days slip past. *wry smile* When you have something hard to say, time slippage becomes an easy...almost legitimate excuse.

Beloved and I have had a couple of discussions about harder...rougher...sexual play...edge play, breath play, and forced pleasure. It tears me up. Mentally, I'm screaming NO NO NO NO NO. I do NOT like this. GOOD girls do not like this. I never asked to be raped...

But as Beloved has pointed out, my body is turned on.

The juxtaposition has been very hard for me to wrap my head around. Thinking about it gives me a sour stomach, and blogging about it...well, truth is, I've known about this a lot longer since it was some of what Sir played with. It's taken months for me to put it into blunt words, even if it was all hinted at.

It is absolutely terrifying to me in many ways. Beloved teases that he will have to convince me of the "Mr. Hyde" in him since he doesn't *quite* see me getting lost in the moment. I might not have believed there WAS a Mr. Hyde until the other night...

On Tuesday, the DOM met for the monthly gathering. I was serving, but BruisedMaria was the demo sub for Rick's presentation on Rough Body Play. I've known Rick for years and years. He is a good man, a loving father. Until recently, I've shared sympathies as a service SUB with him... While I wasn't invited to sit and watch the demo, the pieces I saw while serving the other Dominants were very intense. Rick describes it as "watching a train wreck and not being able to look away." He was using his whole body behind the punches, there was no remorse in the face slaps, there was blood drawn. Just listening was a little edgy for me. *wry smile* I was asked more than once if I was okay with the scene.

Okay? *shrug* I try not to judge what others do when it comes to kink. I don't get squigged easily because I look at it objectively...clinically. And while the scene was intense, it was obvious that Maria was okay before, during, and well-cared for afterwards. So yes, I was okay with it.

But trying to imagine a different scene...one with Beloved and me...THAT put butterflies in my stomach. My head ached. I wanted to be alone to digest the thoughts and feelings, and people just wouldn't LEAVE! *wry smile* I used the kitchen, the head ache, and Girl to excuse myself over and over, hoping to settle the cyclone in my head. Finally, when we did go to bed, I couldn't relax. When Beloved's breathing slowed, I slipped out of bed for a long, hot shower and cried some...and then I went to sleep without nightmares.

I'm still having a hard time sorting it out. Do I want to be abused that way? The automatic response is Of COURSE NOT! But when Beloved said I wasn't really a masochist, my pause made him raise an eyebrow in consideration. So...I don't know. I really don't. All I know is that SOMETHING is there...

The Tricky Business of Being Submissive

In response to my last post, Beloved wrote:

You wear many more titles than WIFE and MOM. You are mentor, organizer, teacher, student, submissive, slave, life-saver, cute poly chick, etc. Just because there is not a single perch upon which you call home does not invalidate the contributions that you make to others lives, and to your own, in each and every role your flighty heart calls you to land upon.

There is more room to write upon your collar. If there is a calling in your heart to find room to enscribe SLAVE or SUB upon it then you should do what you do best and follow your heart.

One of the things I do best is write, so here I am trying to unscramble the lines of communication, straighten out the paths, and make sense of what is in my head. This is one of those times that I have to go all the way back to the beginning, so bare with me...


To be clear, it was never my dream to be a mother, let alone a stay-at-home mother. Although the decision to become parents was mutual, "The Plan" was that Beloved would stay home and I would return to work...until Beloved was offered an incredible opportunity and it made more sense to go for it. I tried to suppress my disappointment, frustration, and fright. Society tends to not appreciate the role of housewives and stay-at-home moms. I tried to put on a good face, but I was crumbling inside. Six months after Boy was born, I fell apart. I was forcibly committed to a mental hospital and Beloved had to rescue me.

Something HAD to change...and so I began looking for something. The term "odalisque" came up and I was curious. Of course, being excused from housework and reserved for sexual service was quite enchanting. I wanted a collar because it would be my salvation. *sigh* There is a D/s fantasy world where all the submissive's cares are magically taken away, where the Dominant has endless resources and always has the answers, where there are no challenges presented by colicky babies or tight budgets or lack of time.

But no matter how many books you read, how wonderful the roleplay is, how hard you wish for the fantasy, the Real World intrudes. I remained myself. I didn't appreciate being told what to do, and Beloved didn't relish the chore of sorting it out for me. I resented limits on housework because things never seemed done to my satisfaction. I struggled with formal protocols that weren't clearly explained or understood, regardless of who tried to implement them. I rejected my collar over and over and over again. I wasn't "doing it right". Where was the reassurance and peace and confidence that was "promised" in the lifestyle?

Attending SJW was an incredible experience and it validated my sense of service. Being surrounded by others who claimed "submission" and yet were perfectly normal PEOPLE helped my understanding, but I still see the external status, the sugar-coat.

I am also frustrated by the occasional questions about my life as a submissive. I try to describe my day-to-day and can't explain how my relationship is different than an ordinary albeit healthy husband-wife relationship.

I am a stay-at-home mom. I do my best to keep up with the housework, keep the kids busy, keep food in the fridge and meals at regular intervals. Unlike many women I know, sex hasn't gone by the wayside because we have kids, but that hardly makes a D/s relationship.

On the BDSM score, I was disillusioned with club, circumvented the rules and got into trouble with Cole, threw away the explorations with Master Ron, ran away from Sir. There seemed nothing about the lifestyle that I could embrace.

My second pregnancy took a real toll on an already struggling "lifestyle". The last three months were void of any involvement with the D/s or BDSM community or even "normal" huband-wife intimacies. We agreed that the collar I had worn...a key on a black silk cord...wasn't going to be a collar any more. On July 22nd, Beloved cut the cord because I was having a c-section.

That didn't change anything in our lives. I continued to do my best to keep up with the housework, keep the kids busy, keep food in the fridge and meals at regular intervals. But as we have slowly gotten back in touch with the lifestyle community, I have fretted over my lack of a collar when attending events.

Last Wednesday, I finally asked Beloved what it would take to earn a collar. I wasn't happy with his answer. There are changes he'd like to see if we going re-enter a collared relationship...protocols, conditioning, training. I rejected this instantly...I struggle to keep up with what I HAVE, let alone adding to it! I just don't have more to give right now, and I was furious that Beloved would ask it of me!

We talked again Thursday night, and I was resigned. I wasn't going to have anything to do with a collar ever again. I was going to give it all up. It was pointless because I just am not collar-material.

Friday was MAsT. There was going to be drumming again, and more importantly, there were going to be people I liked there. I wanted to go but questioned the appropriateness...after all, I wasn't collared. I don't want people to know I'm just a housewife.

Even as I write that, I know how idiotic that is. Submission isn't defined by a lock on a chain. It isn't something that can be given or taken away. Submission is allowing other peoples' will take priority over your own.

I delight in serving others, in providing them with tokens of my service. It brightens my day to hear the surprise in someone's voice when I remember a preference or present them with something they needed/wanted. I have always styled my home around being open and available to others.

Beloved asked me to explain what what a collar means to me, and in the process of writing this, I think I have figured out the answer. For me, a collar isn't something that will drastically change my life or my relationships. While I have fought HARD with labels and titles, the core reason that I sought out D/s has never changed.

A collar...Beloved's collar...excuses me from society's expectations and enables me to embrace my life in service. I want and need to be recognized and celebrated for what I am. A submissive.

No matter where you go, there you are.

If we shadows have offended,Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber'd here While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme, No more yielding but a dream...

Beloved is perhaps wiser than I would like to admit. I asked directly what I had to do to earn a collar. He said that I had to prove I wanted it. So I asked what I have to do to prove it. He said I have to write out what a collar means to me, then test my acceptance with a trial week, then we have to discuss it.

The quagmire of emotion is overwhelming. I'm furious, heartbroken, resigned, and despairing.

All my life I wanted to be something else...someone else. My childhood was filled with imaginary friends and adventures with Robin Hood, King Arthur. I would go for walks when it got foggy, hoping but not-quite believing that I might wander into some other time, place. I wanted to be special.

I survived into the young adulthood and exchanged those daydreams with ambitious goals of getting into politics and changing the world, saving the environment, making a real difference. I wanted to be special. I got as far as a job offer in the US Senate that I was unable...unwilling...to take.

So my life got reinvented again. I had a child. Perhaps with children, I could regain the joys of the imagination, recover the fascination of holidays, find the magic again. I wanted to be special, but apparently someone has to do the work to make such things appear real, and I am now that someone.

Disillusioned, I scrambled to find meaning in my status, some way that I might possibly give up everything I had imagined and be content with the "American Dream" of a house in suburbia, two kids, pets... If I could surrender to it, if I could submit and had a Master to care for me and keep me sane, maybe then I would be special...

But over and over and over I fought against the labels. *wry smile* I'm a fiesty, flighty PIXIE...right? I'm wild and fae and stubborn and cannot be collared by any one! Not even my beloved husband wants to risk it without written essay, trials, and discussions.

After simmering in bed and then coming downstairs and sobbing, the conclusion I come to is that he's probably right. I'm enamored with the image, the idea, the perception of what submission is. I forget that I already have a collar and I cannot escape it.

The names my collar bear are WIFE and MOM.

DD_ss Sex as a Communication Tool

What does sex represent to you?
*soft laugh* It depends on the sex! Sometimes, sex is a very spiritual moment between Beloved and I. We both knew...KNEW...that we had conceived a child, because something was different. Sometimes, sex is about laughing (yes, I do mean laughing! Beloved likes the sensation) and sharing happiness. Sometimes, sex is an outlet for stress through a physical scene, like the hard struggle he gave me after the devastating contact with my sister.

How important is sex to your partner and to you?
I suppose it's pretty important, although it has changed over time. Early on in our relationship, I used to get incredibly frustrated when we didn't have sex for a while...mostly, I think, because it was such a stress-relief outlet for me. That has changed. Especially since we both got "snipped", sex has been one of the things that has kept us connected when we only get a little bit of time together.


When things in your life aren't going well (financial problems, health concerns) is sex one of the first things that hits the curb?
Right now, when we are both sleep-deprived, we are still enjoying each other in favor of a hour more sleep, so I think the answer is no, sex isn't one of the first things to hit the curb. Fortunately, neither Beloved or I have had lasting health concerns. Generally, if one or the other is sick, we just don't engage. Unlike me, Beloved does not use sex as a stress outlet, so sometimes that can be a conflict.

When you're unhappy with your partner do you withhold sex as a bargaining tool? How does that work for you?
No. Personally, I think that is petty and more likely to spiral problems than aid in the resolution.

We all go through periods of time when either our partner or we have grown or changed and there is dissatisfaction in the bedroom, how do you cope with that?
*wry smile* In the past, there would be an argument that led to discussion. Now, I think we mostly are able to discuss before the dissatisfaction becomes resentment.

Is a lack of sex or unsatisfactory sex reason enough to leave a relationship?
I think that if you are resenting the lack or unsatisfactory sex enough to consider leaving a relationship, there are MUCH BIGGER issues in play!

Journal Prompt

I was so busy last week that several things fell off my radar, including writing here. One of this week's journal prompts from "Submissive Journal Prompts" sparked reluctance, thus seemed like something I should explore.

What do you want but are too timid to ask for?

*wry smile* Beloved reads here...so answering this is intensely difficult. It's also hard to ask because I just don't KNOW what I am asking for. What are the nuances? What are the ramifications? Is there a way to back out if I hate it? Am I really truly willing to accept all of the possibilities? Can I swallow my fear, my pride? Dare I ask outright for what I have hinted at?

I would ask to wear Beloved's collar again.

Weekend visit and continued ponderances

This weekend, I was honored to host three ladies from SJW, Remmy, Cricket, and Talina. Remmy's Master, Sterling, also joined us (and helped keep Beloved sane in the mist of all the estrogen!).

It was a bit of a fiasco trying to connect at the Shedd Aquarium. I had never been to the aquarium when it was so incredibly BUSY! Between that and the fact that staying in once place with a young boy is really challenging, it was a good two hours before we managed to find the entire party. Lesson learned. Besides that, it was fun, and Boy has asked several times when we are going back to the fishies. *grin* We got membership, so it might be soon...although I think it might be a special no-Girl time.

We departed the aquarium to go and have dinner at House of Sushi and Noodles. No, the irony isn't lost on me. Having had some of the "good" aka "expensive" sushi, I still think that the place is the best deal I've ever had for sushi. It's $17 for all you can eat buffet of 53 different rolls. It took fricken FOREVER to be seated, but it worked out in the end. Between the other women, I even got to eat without holding Girl. Boy even did well, although we did give in and allow him to hang out under the table.

After dinner, everyone came to our house for the night. We stayed up sharing stories and laughing until 11:30, at which point I begged off on account that I get up with the kids. Everyone retired, and I was pleasantly treated to an almost full-night sleep! Boy woke up once with his cough and Beloved dosed him, and Girl slept through until 6:30am!!!

I managed to get Girl and myself out of the bedroom without waking anyone fully, and she and I got breakfast started. Beloved joined us and helped finish up apple pancakes. Our guests trickled down about 9:30, just as the pancakes were ready.

The funny thing about a group with unpartnered submissives...everyone tries to serve everyone else! Talina commented that she might not be able to digest the meal if she couldn't help SOMEHOW. *giggles* We worked it out. Breakfast stretched into a couple of hours of chatting over tea. Then it was time to pack up and see our guests off.

The afternoon was lost to Beloved's insistence that I take a nap with Boy, and I only protested once. *smiles* I was tired and my back has started to misbehave. Dinner and the evening has been delightfully relaxed.

The visit was a wonderful and pondering time for me.

Wonderful because once again, I felt bathed in acceptance. Although I have spent a very limited amount of time with them, the people I met at SJW have become dear and special friends, and each time I have gotten to visit with one of them, I have felt renewed, more confident, and calmer in my path.

Pondering because every glimpse I get into another submissive's life sparks thoughts. In this case, it was mostly how high(er) protocol might fit into the life I share with Beloved and two children. Cricket and Talina jumped up every time one of the Dominants entered the room and asked which seat to take at the table...these are small gestures that simply don't occur to me. Remmy's contentedness to sit at her Master's knee also caught my attention.

After everyone left, before the nap, Beloved asked me if I was jealous. Jealous? No...wistful, perhaps. Mostly because we have children...the mention of attending club or munches inspired some disappointment.

Beloved also suggested that we try doing a week of high protocol.

My immediate reaction was to recoil and search for excuses. I've been trying to puzzle that out for several hours. I think it would be very difficult to do with Beloved. I fear I would be resentful at the corrections from Him. I worry that I will be disillusioned, that I don't know His likes and expectations as well as I think I do. I come close to panic trying to imagine how it would work with Boy and Girl around and filling my days with childhood demands.

At the same time...how much is because I am imagining the magic D/s life that appears in stories and books? Beloved is human and so am I. We live in the REAL world. Do I really think Beloved would be unreasonable in his expectations? *soft sigh* More like I am unreasonable in my own expectations and fear being disappointed, either with Beloved or (more likely) with myself.

"This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last."

So said Oscar Wilde. I was amused by Crumpet's comment, and then I considered this weekend.

Friday, dinner for seven and general company.
Saturday, dinner for eight (different group entirely!) followed by an outing to see Night of the Living Dead: The Musical.
Sunday, dinner for seven and general company.

The upcoming week:
Monday, lunch with a friend.
Tuesday, PPD meeting, trip to the zoo, birthday dinner for a friend.
Wednesday, meeting with local museum to discuss expanding public programming
Thursday, gymnastics and lunch with grandma
Friday, trip to forest preserve & I'm making bread
Saturday & Sunday, out of town friends from SJW are spending the weekend with us, and we are working in a trip to the Shedd Aquarium.

Somewhere in between all this, I work in laundry, household chores, meals, networking, and organizing two groups.

Underneath it all, there's the D/s. Beloved and I are slowly re-evolving that, although I am still without a formal collar. I think we are actually making progress, though...at least, for my side, I've been enjoying the places we've been going. My major regret is that the only way to really play is to cut into our sleep, and that can be a serious problem for me. Beloved's been an absolute saint and given me a morning the last two weekends to catch up...

Which is why Wilde's quote was exactly perfect...

This is Pixie.

See Pixie run. Run Pixie run!

I can try to sum up the last week, but it's been CRAZY busy...

Tuesday, 9/22 - The family got some particular vicious e-mails from my estranged sister. It really tore me apart. Beloved gave me a little space, and after the kids were in bed, he asked if I'd like to play a game. I said I'd rather hurt someone (yes, my sister's behavior REALLY got to me). What followed was physical overpowering and an intense spanking. It was really the first SCENE we have had in about a year. I was snot-faced and crying, and only once was Beloved actually concerned...but he was able to see in my eyes that I was okay and pushed me through. The emotional release was such a relief! Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Thursday, 9/24 - We learned that a family friend was dying, and the message was accidentally sent to my sister, which spurred another nasty bunch of e-mails. This time I didn't have time for it because we had 20 poly friends coming over for a game of Cranium. The laughter, mild teasing, and friendship let me "forget" and let go...

Friday, 9/25 - I took the kids to "Bear's Most Excellent Sale", which was a garage sale in memory of my cousin who committed suicide two years ago. It was a big-to-do and got front page coverage in the local newspaper. The family raised $2800 over the weekend, and it's all going to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.

Tuesday, 9/29 - I spent the day preparing the house for the Aurora DOM...the first one Beloved has hosted since April. I was very nervous about getting everything just right. There was a program at the hospital I wanted to attend, which meant leaving a group of Dominants to fend for themselves for an hour. *wry smile* The last time I did that...well, let's just say I STILL enjoy teasing Beloved about it! All told, the DOM went well and it is going to continue. Next month, the demo is on rough body play...

Wednesday, 9/30 - A swift re-make of the house and Boy and I hosted our first craft day for our playgroup. We did self-portraits by having the kids lay down on 4' kraft paper, tracing their body, and then allowing them to decorate them by gluing googly eyes, coloring with markers, and using stickers. Boy was VERY proud and couldn't wait to show Beloved!



Beloved also went out that night with his girlfriend, so it was a bit of looooong day for this little pixie. I got myself to sleep around 11pm, but Beloved came home and woke me...then Girl was up...then Boy got up...then Girl woke again...

Thursday, 10/1 - By morning, I was exhausted and had the raccon eyes to show it. Beloved called into work, let me go back to bed, and handled the Thursday morning routine of dropping Girl off with Grandma, taking Boy to gymnastics. We met at Grandma's house for lunch, and by that point BELOVED was falling over tired! I sent him home, Grandma watched Boy while I took Girl to her 2-month doctor's appointment... She's doing great! She's grown 5 3/4" and put on 3 1/4 lbs since birth! She and I went home where I got Girl and Beloved down for naps and then I went and did the grocery shop, picked up Boy and dinner, and got home around 7pm. It was a pretty good evening, although Boy was hard to get to bed. Beloved and I played a board game and I made some snide comment which he answered with a threatened spanking...I dodged by grabbing my towel and taking a shower. He came in and scrubbed my back, followed me back to the bedroom, and fucked me silly. It was after midnight when we cleaned up and got back into bed. Beloved's comment was if we had "discovered" kink before we had Boy, we might not have had kids at all...but Beloved was glad we have them, even when they are a challenge and keep us running...

Friday, 10/2 - I have a playdate for the kids this afternoon, am making dinner for 7 tonight, and am looking forward to a hot bath and an early bedtime tonight...we'll see if that last part actually happens!

So, yeah...Run Pixie run! Whoever said being a stay-at-home parent was easy never tried it!!!

I can do a CARTWHEEL!

Yup...I proved it today...er, yesterday? *sigh* It's been a loooooooong day! I got up at 6:30 with Girl, and since I was up, I made pancakes. After eating breakfast, I saw Beloved off to work and did my morning workout, dashed through a shower, and got the kids and myself out the door. Dropped Girl off with Grandma, did gynmastics with Boy (where I did said cartwheels!), picked up Girl, went to a Meetup playgroup, got home and put Boy down for a nap, made dinner for 10 and two apple pies, then hosted a group of 20 folks for another Meetup...

Blessings and praise be upon Beloved for cleaning up while I played hostess at the end of the evening!!!

Pride and joy describes how happy I am with the children for their behavior (although the sugar high at bedtime was a small problem).

EXHAUSTED and wired to the nines is what I am.

And I get to do it again tomorrow! Different variations, but still packed in and running running running...

I have an actual post to make about an amazing scene and some fantastic sex, but details are quickly fading and I'm just a little fuzzy to really put into words what it was that happened. Maybe I'll get it out...but with the current schedule, it's unlikely.

Bet you can't make me...

*laughs* First thing to know about Beloved, he NEVER backs down from a challenge. Never. Sometimes this is a very bad thing, because we were both disappointed when Boy's hair got buzzed on a dare...

But sometimes, this is a very good thing. Like last night...

It was late, we'd had a long day, and as he climbed into bed I leaned over and kissed him, and then blithely said, "Can I suck your cock?" It was a light-playful tone...not at all the tone I'd use for such topics...it even surprised me that the words just tumbled out. Beloved grinned and kept kissing me. I teased and he jested back that sometimes a guy wants a little foreplay. So I pounced on him! He laughed, and I challenged him.

Bet you can't make me suck your cock!

*coughs* Beloved has expressed an increasing fondness for the idea of rough body play, of "forcing" pleasure, of "play-rape". It's been a pretty edgy topic for years because of my history. While I'm sure that was in his mind, Beloved certainly got into the spirit. And while I didn't bite, kick, or scream, I think I put up a reasonable struggle.

So, yes, I was "forced" to follow through on my original request...and then my pants were torn off and he took his pleasure...and dragged me along for the ride.

*smirks* It was fun. It was HOT. I didn't have any nightmares. Pretty cool. Who knows...maybe...maybe I can be HIS again.

What makes me think I could start clean slated...

On July 22nd, my collar was cut off. Granted, it was because of surgery, but I was uncollared. Beloved and I have not really visited that space for a long time, but it still left an ache. I've hinted and teased lightly about being re-collared...even bought the cord to make it happen...

Last night... *sigh* Back up. Yesterday was long and very busy. I was exhausted by suppertime. Beloved had teased me a bit during Boy's bath, but I really lacked the energy to do much. Beloved bit me and lightly marked me, I begged off. When the kids were finally asleep, I had fully intended to collapse as well. Beloved had other plans...

Of course, NOW my head is all fuzzy because I was tired, so I can't give an accurate account of events, but basically, I ended up on the couch with Beloved between my thighs...and he was TALKING. All what should have been complimentary...how much he enjoyed my taste, my scent...but I flipped out a bit. He backed off and asked if I would hesitate to take off my top, to offer my breasts, asked why my pussy was different. I don't really have the words to explain...but receiving sexual pleasure is so damnably HARD for me...

He told me to go wash my face and come back. I did.

He asked if I wanted to be HIS...of course...yes! So, he issued the orders for me to take off my top, offer my breasts, turn around, bend over and grab my ankles...I did. It wasn't until he started TALKING about playing with my pussy and ass (again) that I got edgy (again). I tried...but I was uncomfortable. He told me to get on the couch, that he was going to lick and suck me...I obeyed, but with hesitation...and started to cry (again). He came up and sat next to me (again), I recovered (again), and he told me that if I were going to belong to him, he was going to do as he liked...it wasn't about my disappointment in my body or concern about my scent, it HIS desires (duh) and if he wanted to, he WOULD like my pussy, would tell me to scream at the top of my lungs...that I'd smile while doing it.

And I lost it. It was almost panicky...I sank fast into the "worthless failure" place, angry that I couldn't submit, angry that he's ask such things of me...I can never, ever where his collar again, because I can't DO it...I can't accept pleasure. I'm afraid of it...afraid of not being "the good girl", afraid of being "disgusting", afraid of admitting I like it, afraid of condoning what happened more than twenty years ago.

When I stopped crying, we talked a little more about it...he said there is no doubt that I am a submissive...I submit to him every day in little ways...by asking what he'd like done around the house, by attending to his laundry, by making meals and caring for the kids, by making everything HE does possible. It's just in this area that I have a hard time... He's trying to unravel me, I think, but we are both painfully inexperienced in this space...I strangle myself on the words and he doesn't understand how to get me into a "good" bad space...

We finally gave it up, I tucked him in and went downstairs. I cleaned up dinner in a numb despair, then cleaned the bathroom. It was getting late and I had another busy day ahead, so I dragged myself back to the bedroom. Beloved was still awake, and in the dark, with my eyes closed, I was finally able to get some words out. I recalled a scene with Sir that maybe helped Beloved understand some of what I need...seek...

But I don't know.

Today has just been another day. Played with the kids, ran laundry, managed to work out lunch plans with Boy and Beloved (left Girl so it was a "special" time for Boy), got the kids home and down for a nap...

But here, in the few quiet moments, I find myself hurting and the irony of the Indigo Girls rings in my head...

So what makes me think I could start clean slated
The hardest to learn was the least complicated
The least complicated
The least complicated

Once upon a dream...

Yes, I know it's true
that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you'll do
You'll love me at once
the way you did once upon a dream

At what point does one become an icon in the community? When does the follower become the leader? More specifically, when does the confidence kick in? There are blogs that are widely read, books that are published, presentations that are paid for... Or is it something else?

I've established groups, I've had my writings published, I've been invited to present...and yet I still feel like a small, lost fish in the ocean. I still daydream of feeling worthy of the community to which I try to serve.