Yeah, I fucked up. Again. Same spot, slightly different variation. I struggle with a "good girl" complex. While I have no problem talking about sex, kinks, BDSM in a clinical sense, when the discussion turns to ME, I shut down pretty quick. As has been pointed out, this a a very normal reaction for someone with my history. I don't want to admit wanting dirty, perverted sex because maybe that will mean I asked for what happened to me...blah, blah, blah. I have tread that line of thought before.
In this story, my "cheat" was with someone I have had permission to play with before. The problem is that in this case, I acted without telling Beloved. Beloved knew I had fun with Jason...knows I have had sex with him...knows I'm curious about anal play...Didn't know I had acted on the curiosities with Jason.
I do not know that I can give a truly accurate story to you about me and Jason...it happened back in early July...I don't remember the date. Beloved and I were pretty much not having sex because he was frustrated with hurting me and I had thrown up after giving him the blow job. I had asked a couple of times and Beloved had pretty much told me that it just didn't seem to work well. I was hurt and embarrassed that I wasn't "good enough" for him...never mind the pregnancy and hyperemesis... And I was missing him.
Jason caught me online and asked how things were, if I wanted him to clean the carpets before the baby arrived... We had talked about doing it after J&j left, so I went ahead and picked a date. Jason fell through because a bigger emergency job came up. Later, he apologized for ditching me and offered to take care of the carpets no charge. I don't think I told Beloved about it because I was being teased by Beloved and Adaya about having a crush on Jason and getting stood up. After cleaning the carpets, he pulled out a bottle of lotion and offered to massage me.
Yes, I do like Jason. Yes, I do like the naughtiness of fucking him. Yes, I am flattered by the attention he gives me.
He started kissing me and...I melted. He kissed me and caressed me and undressed me in the living room. The carpet was still damp and actually felt really nice because it was one of the warmer days. The massage didn't really happen...he nipped at my neck and had his hands on my breasts, and I could feel his cock pressing against my thigh. He took one of my hands and pressed it against his fly, and I responded by groping him back. I said nothing when he unzipped so that I could play with his cock, and when he pulled a condom out of his pocket, I closed my eyes. I wanted it...I wanted to be worshiped and lusted after in the way Beloved hadn't for weeks. I wanted to feel beautiful and sexy...and I did with Jason.
We had chatted a few times over the year about kinks and anal sex had come up more than once. He knew I'd played with butt plugs a little, that Beloved and I had given it a couple of tries, and I had told Jason no one had ever cum in my ass. He knew I was interested, knew I wouldn't ask, knew I probably wouldn't say no. So, instead he went down on me, and while he tongued me, he began using his wet fingers against my asshole. It was so intense and so hot! He started stretching me with his fingers...one, then two...I kept my eyes closed, but I was moaning a lot. He sat up and nudged me over on my side, spooning me. He pressed his cock into my pussy a few times, and then against my ass.
I was totally surprised how little it hurt...I don't know if it was because I was so excited, because of the stretching, or what. He got all the way inside my ass, and just stayed there for a minute or two...letting me adjust. Slowly, he began fucking me. His hands were on my breasts, his breath hot on my neck. I was writhing against him, and it wasn't long before I heard him groan and knew he had climaxed. We lay there on the floor for a little while, until I teased him about making a mess on the carpets. He pulled out, and the condom stayed...when he removed it, it was an oddly exciting feeling. I can imagine it's sorta like ben-wa balls. I don't know.
He kissed me a few times more and playfully smacked my ass a few times while I got dressed. He left, and the whole situation began to sink in. I felt sick to my stomach and didn't know what to say to Beloved. None of this was okay. Instead of writing or calling Beloved, I tried to make good instead and got the toys put away and most of the first floor back to the way it should be. That backfired on me and I made myself sick trying too hard. I cried for a little while and then laid down, hoping it would all just go away...
It never does...you'd think I would have learned that lesson already.
Instead, Beloved found out about it because I was chatting with Jason the other day, and Jason mentioned what a rise he had gotten from being the first to cum in my ass and that caught Beloved's attention when he was browsing my chat logs.
My punishment was to write out the story for Beloved, and after talking about it for more than an hour this evening, Beloved suggested that it should be published here... After all, that is what the blog is about, right? Learning complaisance. Perhaps if I have to confess often enough I actually WILL learn...some day...
I'm not ready to deal with comments right now...so please just keep your thoughts for now...
