Compliment, *sigh* and DD_ss Year 2010 prompt

So this morning I was flipping through e-mail and Beloved poked his head around the corner.

I got an odd e-mail on Fet. Someone mailed me and said that it looked like I'd trained the perfect domestic slave and would I be open to training another girl. What do you think?

I was amused, but practical...we don't have any place to board her right now, blah blah blah. Maybe his response should be that he'd discuss it with his alpha girl...

Later, curiosity got the best of me and I'd asked if I could see the message. He claimed to have deleted it, but then I asked how you delete things because I didn't know how, and he then said I caught his bluff...that he was just trying compliment me...that I was the best domestic he knew.

*ducks head, crinkles toes, blush, and grin*

Unfortunately, Boy is SICK. Poor kid has a nasty case of pink eye (more like red eye...totally blood shot and looked like someone punched him) as well as a cold. He's barely tolerant of the eye drops, but they burn and hurt and it makes me ache to hold him in my arms for the two minutes per the instructions. We've had to cancel most of our plans for tonight...Oddlots is coming over, but that's about it. Oh well, it will be a good change.

Which leads me to the DD_ss Year 2010 journal prompt

We're rapidly coming to the end of 2009 and all of its chaos and turbulence. Are you ready to leave it behind? Do you believe that 2010 will be a brighter tomorrow? When you approach the new year do you make personal resolutions towards positive change or do you slip into the new year as comfortably as you slip out of the old year? Do you believe in making resolutions and do they work for you? Do you make promises to yourself that are left broken and discarded 3 weeks into January? What works for you? Does January 1st, 2010 represent just another day for you or is the platform from which you will spring into a healthier and more balanced you?

I honestly haven't given 2010 much thought. I gritted my teeth all the way until Christmas to get my 2010 calendar (Thank you so much Sterling and Remmy!!!), but now I'm almost afraid to fill it out. While I hadn't thought about making any resolutions, perhaps I should.

On the recommendation of Felicitous_Dove several months ago, I signed up for Laura Doyle's newsletter from The Surrendered Wife. I won't say that I buy into her ideas hook, line, and sinker...but there is something there. I'm absolutely terrible about self-care. I'm not about to take up a manicure/pedicure addiction, but I can see how setting some boundaries might improve things in my life.

How much of these resolutions relate to your M/s or D/s relationships? Do you conscientiously try to modify your behavior to better please your Master or do you make efforts to improve yourself intellectually or emotionally for him/her?

*wry smile* Um...how does setting boundaries mesh with my D/s? That's a good question. Two possibilities:

* Being more careful not to over-extend myself. I tend to try to please EVERYONE, which makes me run thin and eventually fall apart, and Beloved has to pick me up and glue me back together. If I set some boundaries AND STICK WITH THEM, I won't run so thin, I'll be happier, thus better able to serve Beloved.

* Making space for Beloved and me ONLY. I've actually been working on this that last day or so...clearing all of the kids' stuff out of the Master suite and looking at locking door knobs. Besides the playtime aspect, the room could be our place for mediation and grounding.

I don't think I will try to make a resolution about modifying my behavior beyond this because it would no doubt a broken and discarded promise 3 weeks into January. Besides, learning to say NO gracefully is pretty mega-huge for this pixie.

*laughs* The good part about Boy being sick is I'm pretty much not giving a hoot about the house. We de-Chrismas-ifed it, put up some New Year's stuff, and that's about what I'm doing. In fact, three hours before people arrive, and I'm even contemplating a NAP! How is that for a start on self-care? I hope you have a wonderful evening and I'll see you in the new year!

I'm just thick-skulled...

I got a letter in the mail from Beloved's mother.

Hey Lady!
I just want you to know how much I appreciate you!
You have wonderful children. No 2 can be compared. Each has his or her special needs/greatness and you bring that out in them by your love and attention. You have a touch of greatness and independent thought that brings out the best in your kids, husband, family, and friends. It's often hard but you do a wonderful job. Count the smiles in your home rather than the frowns. You are very much a part of the smiles. Look to your God for strength and keep up the good work! We are all very proud of you!! Thank you for your help and support!

Okay, yeah...I'm crying.

I crave the words, but I do not take praise very well. *wry smile* I've already deleted the words that try to belittle the message twice. Like I said, sometimes, I am just thick-skulled.

The time! The time! Who has the TIME?!?

Gods...if anyone has any to spare...I'm cleaning out the kids toys, cleaning house, cleaning the bedroom, and even being down one child I do not have enough TIME...

*sigh* I guess I'd settle for for some plain old motivation. Maybe if I got some sense of satisfaction when I did complete something? Except that everything is just has that re-run feel. Laundry, pick up, cleaning... It never ends. *frowns* Beloved said today that maybe we should "re-examine your role in the household".


Beloved Master: I think it may be time to re-examine your role in the household.
pixie: reexamine my role?
Beloved Master: It's been a long time since I heard you say anything positive about being at home.
pixie: i'm sorry
Beloved Master: Perhaps a daycare / school option is something we should be looking into. I am not scolding, you don't need to be sorry, I am observing.

I launched into the reasons.

*I am feeling very overwhelmed by the house right now.
*I'm not getting enough sleep. I really can't afford to stay up until 11:30 pm.
*I am feeling like people are pissed off that we can't have everyone and their uncle over for the NYE party, but the space we have is limited, especially by all the holiday stuff.
*I am tired of fighting with Boy over my computer. Grandma let him find Batman games on her laptop, and now Boy thinks he should be allowed to play them on my computer any time he wants...but he can't play them without help...so, yeah.

*cocks head* I honestly don't mind doing chores...but I do resent not being given time to do them. Does that make sense? Back to not having enough time...or enough motivation. Or both. *sigh* Beloved's going to be home any moment and I HAVE GOT TO FINISH picking up the toys. Again...

No rest for the wicked...

...although I've never really considered myself "wicked". Pixies are mischievous, not wicked. So I should get some rest, no??? *sigh*

It's been fun-filled chaos for the last several days. I sneakily set the Christmas traditions to post for me, but I really haven't had the chance to be online much in the last week. Let's see...

Christmas Eve was spent doing some last minute grocery shopping and then celebrating with my family. My aunt is a true matriarch and had about 40 of us over for a traditional feast. I absolutely adore her pecan tartlets, and I don't think I will ever have the patience to make them myself.

Christmas Day was probably our last Christmas of sleeping past 7am...I don't think Boy entirely understood what "Santa is coming" meant. We got up and opened a few presents, had some breakfast, and did stockings with Beloved's mother. Then RedVulpes arrived with his tribe and we opened more presents. I managed to cook up our feast amid the chaos that is only possible when you have five children on Christmas Day. We ate, opened the last of the presents, had some cookies, saw Grandma off for the night and SUCCESSFULLY had all five children asleep by 8:30 pm!!! Woot! Go us! Of course, we were stupidly up until 11pm playing cards...

Boxing Day we had breakfast and packed the entire crew up and off we went to a family reunion. I have to say that Fox River Resort was a pretty impressive stay! I cooked for the fifteen of us, which kept me pretty occupied, but I would have loved to stay for a little longer. RedVulpes, Beloved, and I were up late again playing cribbage (hehe, I won!). It was a rough night with the girls (my neices, Girl, and I shared a cabin), but we muddled through.

Newt day was a little edgy. We got a bunch of family photos, which was really awesome, and then Uncle D and I braved the wilderness with the four kids for a sledding adventure. We managed to get back and have some hot cocoa and lunch before the uncles took the kids BACK out for more sledding. We played a couple of hands of Shanghai before the kids came back...this time we popped them into the jacuzzi to warm up. Then it was a pick up, pack up, and hugs goodbye...back to our house for a speedy fast dinner and super-speedy fast pack up of all RedVulpes' kids stuff...then they headed home.

Beloved and I got our two kids to bed by 8:15pm and were in bed ourselves by 8:45!

Of course, the break is temporary. I'm hosting a kids' party at 11am on New Year's Eve, followed by an adult party at 7pm. Even if it IS pot-luck-ish, it's hosting. *wry smile* Yes, I love it...but...well...yeaaaaaah. Three major gigs in less than four weeks is a little stupid. My bad.

Here's the TMI bit...Don't read if you don't like gross-out details.....



















Though all of that, I've had a super-heavy moontime. Since I use a Keeper I happen to KNOW how heavy...try 17 ounces heavy. A normal flow is less than 3 oz. I know it's only the second cycle since having Girl, but this is a little insane. I'll talk to the doctor at my next appointment. Lucky me, I am due for a regular gyine examine in January....

So, yeah, I'm a little exhausted, moody, and achy.

DD_ss Christmas Traditions

Have you created your own Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa celebrations and traditions or have you carried them over from when you were a child? What do you do which is very special to you and your family?

One of my "traditions" is the Christmas tree. *soft smile* Beloved has indulged me for the last five years in my hunt for the perfect white pine. After letting the branches drop and putting the lights on, the ornaments come out...many belonged to my mother, were hand-made by me or other family members, and most have some story behind them.

Another one of my traditions is the Santa Clause collection. It started shortly after my mother was married, but she received a new Santa every year. The year she died, one of her best friends mailed a Santa addressed to me, and thus I inherited the tradition. *wry smile* I've been promising pictures of various things...I'll add the collection to the list.

Beloved didn't have many family traditions, but one that he and his friends started is BaconFest. Because we have so many December birthdays, about seven years ago we decided that instead of doing gifts at Christmas, we would all get together and have a fest and share the most important Christmas gift of all: friendship. As a theme, we chose bacon...every food item HAD to have bacon as an ingredient! BaconFest has grown every year since that first gathering of the six of us.

Do you reserve a small part of your Christmas to revive or reaffirm the power exchange which lies between your slave and you?

The last two years, I have done two stockings for Beloved. One is for the family celebration, one is for my Beloved Master. I don't know if this is a reaffirmation, but it's fun.

Christmas can be a struggle for some. It's a time of the year when the stress of shopping and scrounging for extra money can turn normally pleasant people into Scrooges...How do you meld those heartbreaking parts of your life with this time of year when the smile on your face feels like a mask?

Back when Beloved and I were in college, we started up a silly tradition for EXACTLY this reason...although in a way, it IS putting on a mask. We have dressed up...me in elf-ears and silly clothes, him with one of those door-bows tied in his hair, and we arms ourselves with a big bag of mini candy-canes. Then we head to the mall! There is usually no plan to BUY anything, but we cheerfully approach worn-out parents, tired sales clerks, and fussy kids and offer them a candy cane and a Merry Christmas. I think of it as a way to remind people what this is supposed to be about.

It's the time of year when some look at empty chairs at their dining room table and know that person will never raise a glass of wine in toast again. It's a time of the year when some spend nights twisting and turning in their beds trying to hold the devastating ache of loss inside. Christmas can be bittersweet.

We try to focus on the good memories. For some reason, I have become the person who inherits the stockings of those who are no longing in this world. Most of the stockings were hand-made...my mother's, Beloved's father's, other friends. There is an ache every year when I open the stocking box, and it is bittersweet, but I also remember special Christmases with those people...The little surprises, the silly stories. They live on in our hearts.

Submissive Journal Prompts

from lunaKM

What is one of the most valuable services you can or do provide?

If I am to be totally honest, I believe that my happiness is the service Beloved desired most. It sounds kind of ironic, but he is often telling me that all he needs is my smile.

This is one of the reasons that we entered into the D/s in the first place...because I was in despair and depressed about my life and I didn't value my service or myself enough. Through the D/s, there is a little more structure for appreciation of my service, for Beloved to (try to) place limitations on what I attempt, and for general balance and happiness in the house. No, it isn't perfect. I still take a little blue soul vitamin every day, but in giving my service to Beloved, he gives me purpose and happiness, which enables me AND Beloved to continue on.

I chose this particular prompt because I need to remember this...it is an important lesson. Beloved wants me to be happy, above all else. No service is greater than my smile.

What helps/helped you to surrender in the first place?

From slave_mollee on Fet...

What made you want to surrender in the first place?
I was overwhelmed by life as a mother. I was struggling with PPD and the lack of supervision/feedback on my role. After a scary brush with the medical profession, I begged Beloved to give me guidance. We haven't exactly had a perfect entry into M/s, but it has helped me accept motherhood and a stay-at-home life.

What helps you to stay like that?
There have been ups and downs, but Beloved takes such good care of me. Especially when I get into a panic, he steps in and tells him what I need to focus on. Beloved is also amazingly patient with me...sometimes to the point that I can barely understand.

What are some vanilla things you do on a daily basis for your Owner?
*laughs* what DON'T I do? I very much identify as a service submissive, so being of service is easy. I take care of the house, the children, the meals, the bills, the laundry, and so on.

What are some lifestyle things you do on a daily basis?
That's a much harder question to answer. I think the closest DAILY lifestyle thing is asking if there is something Beloved would like me to address during the day.

What keeps it real for you?
Real? I'm not sure it's "real". My submission is almost an escape from my reality, and I am so very grateful Beloved gives it to me.

Picture Day

I promised pictures of a couple of things...

like my blue hair...

and my training collar...

Here is our Christmas tree

and my Santa collection

What else did I promise you?

I am so done.

I could really use a GOOD day, ya know? I have a laundry list, and it is just snowballing me. I want to just crawl under the blankets and come out in fifteen days...

STILL learning complaisance

Yeah, I fucked up. Again. Same spot, slightly different variation. I struggle with a "good girl" complex. While I have no problem talking about sex, kinks, BDSM in a clinical sense, when the discussion turns to ME, I shut down pretty quick. As has been pointed out, this a a very normal reaction for someone with my history. I don't want to admit wanting dirty, perverted sex because maybe that will mean I asked for what happened to me...blah, blah, blah. I have tread that line of thought before.

In this story, my "cheat" was with someone I have had permission to play with before. The problem is that in this case, I acted without telling Beloved. Beloved knew I had fun with Jason...knows I have had sex with him...knows I'm curious about anal play...Didn't know I had acted on the curiosities with Jason.

I do not know that I can give a truly accurate story to you about me and Jason...it happened back in early July...I don't remember the date. Beloved and I were pretty much not having sex because he was frustrated with hurting me and I had thrown up after giving him the blow job. I had asked a couple of times and Beloved had pretty much told me that it just didn't seem to work well. I was hurt and embarrassed that I wasn't "good enough" for him...never mind the pregnancy and hyperemesis... And I was missing him.

Jason caught me online and asked how things were, if I wanted him to clean the carpets before the baby arrived... We had talked about doing it after J&j left, so I went ahead and picked a date. Jason fell through because a bigger emergency job came up. Later, he apologized for ditching me and offered to take care of the carpets no charge. I don't think I told Beloved about it because I was being teased by Beloved and Adaya about having a crush on Jason and getting stood up. After cleaning the carpets, he pulled out a bottle of lotion and offered to massage me.

Yes, I do like Jason. Yes, I do like the naughtiness of fucking him. Yes, I am flattered by the attention he gives me.

He started kissing me and...I melted. He kissed me and caressed me and undressed me in the living room. The carpet was still damp and actually felt really nice because it was one of the warmer days. The massage didn't really happen...he nipped at my neck and had his hands on my breasts, and I could feel his cock pressing against my thigh. He took one of my hands and pressed it against his fly, and I responded by groping him back. I said nothing when he unzipped so that I could play with his cock, and when he pulled a condom out of his pocket, I closed my eyes. I wanted it...I wanted to be worshiped and lusted after in the way Beloved hadn't for weeks. I wanted to feel beautiful and sexy...and I did with Jason.

We had chatted a few times over the year about kinks and anal sex had come up more than once. He knew I'd played with butt plugs a little, that Beloved and I had given it a couple of tries, and I had told Jason no one had ever cum in my ass. He knew I was interested, knew I wouldn't ask, knew I probably wouldn't say no. So, instead he went down on me, and while he tongued me, he began using his wet fingers against my asshole. It was so intense and so hot! He started stretching me with his fingers...one, then two...I kept my eyes closed, but I was moaning a lot. He sat up and nudged me over on my side, spooning me. He pressed his cock into my pussy a few times, and then against my ass.

I was totally surprised how little it hurt...I don't know if it was because I was so excited, because of the stretching, or what. He got all the way inside my ass, and just stayed there for a minute or two...letting me adjust. Slowly, he began fucking me. His hands were on my breasts, his breath hot on my neck. I was writhing against him, and it wasn't long before I heard him groan and knew he had climaxed. We lay there on the floor for a little while, until I teased him about making a mess on the carpets. He pulled out, and the condom stayed...when he removed it, it was an oddly exciting feeling. I can imagine it's sorta like ben-wa balls. I don't know.

He kissed me a few times more and playfully smacked my ass a few times while I got dressed. He left, and the whole situation began to sink in. I felt sick to my stomach and didn't know what to say to Beloved. None of this was okay. Instead of writing or calling Beloved, I tried to make good instead and got the toys put away and most of the first floor back to the way it should be. That backfired on me and I made myself sick trying too hard. I cried for a little while and then laid down, hoping it would all just go away...

It never does...you'd think I would have learned that lesson already.

Instead, Beloved found out about it because I was chatting with Jason the other day, and Jason mentioned what a rise he had gotten from being the first to cum in my ass and that caught Beloved's attention when he was browsing my chat logs.

My punishment was to write out the story for Beloved, and after talking about it for more than an hour this evening, Beloved suggested that it should be published here... After all, that is what the blog is about, right? Learning complaisance. Perhaps if I have to confess often enough I actually WILL learn...some day...

I'm not ready to deal with comments right now...so please just keep your thoughts for now...

Fantastic!

"800,000 doses of children's swine flu vaccine recalled; potency dipped below required levels"

Yeah, I am whole-heartedly a skeptic.

Let's see...what else can I tell you about my life? I've decided to go ahead and do the interview with the blue hair...IF I get the job, I can change it. Thank you Remmy and Sterling-Sir for talking me through that decision!

Resume is revised. It's the same resume that won me the last two jobs I held, with a couple of minor updates, so it will be fine. If they don't like it, *shrug*

I have decided on what Christmas cookies I'm PLANNING to make...now I just have to find the time to do it (um, yeah, right!).

I owe Beloved a story. In our poly-relationship, "cheating" is when you do something that you aren't comfortable telling the other person about. I cheated over the summer, and he found out about it and he wants me to tell him the whole situation. *winces* This has me flip-flopping and in a state of self-loathing. I told him that I can't get anything right, and he very calmly, very lovingly told me to replace "anything" with "everything".

I can't get everything right.

Sometimes I cannot comprehend his love and patience with me, which, perversely, makes me feel worse. *sigh* Some time this week, I will be writing.

*wry smile* Yes, I realize I kinda buried that little confession. *sigh* I'm not proud of myself at the moment...

lost the balance

You know, I was doing pretty well there for a moment. I successfully sent 8 little kids home on Friday with Snowball Soaprizes to surprise people with this holiday. I got rave reviews from people about BaconFest, which was about 45 people and utter insanity on Saturday (it was the first INTERNATIONAL BaconFest as Remmy joined us!). I delighted four children with a Backyardigans' birthday party on Sunday.

By Sunday night, I had gotten ALL of the dishes washed, dried, and put away; about 80% of the week's laundry washed, dried, and folded; toys were all picked up and in relative order; the humidifier was running in the Master bedroom.

Beloved praised me for keeping it together while we played a game of cribbage just before going to bed.

And today, everything seemed to crumble. Girl was up twice in the night, once for about an hour and a half, once for forty-five minutes. Beloved let me sleep in this morning, but rushed me awake because he realized he was running late. Both the kids tag-teamed me all day...when one wasn't whining or crying, the other would pick up the slack. I managed to strip the bed like I promised Beloved only to hear a crash in the kitchen where I found Boy trying to help himself to fruit snacks. It got to be 5 pm and I was clueless about dinner (again). I missed Beloved's call saying he was on his way home because of diapers, and was at the end of my rope and snippy when he and Roomate came in. Beloved volunteered to take Boy to see Santa, only to find out that the hours I had were wrong...

I'm also totally stressed out because a friend of ours, out of the blue, said that there's an opening for a gym teacher at her Montessori school. The idea would be that I'd earn a discount on Boy's tuition, which would be swwweeeeeet!, BUT my hair is electric blue, my resume hasn't been updated since 2005, and they want to do interviews THIS WEEK. GAH!

So...yeah. I lost the balance. I'm going to go do (another) load of laundry, make the bed, and pray tomorrow is a better day.

Down Days...

It's just being one of those days...one where nothing seems right and I feel like saying "awwww, fuck it".

Things I need to accomplish:
* get ice cream and pork roast started
* get soap snowball project cleaned up
* get pick up taken care of
* figure out what to make for dinner TONIGHT
* empty foyer

There's a bunch of other stuff that is weighing on me but not as pressing:
* laundry, laundry, laundry
* finish chores for the week
* make a cake for Sunday's birthday party
* wrap gifts for Sunday's birthday party


Then there's the stuff that's in the back of my head:
* take care of the stingy plants and boxed plant
* get donation stuff out to the car for drop-off (combine with empty foyer?)
* Christmas decorating...after the birthday party...next week???

None of it is that major...but I am just dragging my feet on all of it. :-( Even Beloved's gentle teasings are upsetting me. WTF? *sigh* Foolish girl, I still haven't learned how to say "no", and for some reason Beloved only looks at me and shakes his head instead of throttling me.

Told ya so...

*giggles* Yes, it IS juvenile, but I just couldn't suppress the laughter at the ABC newsbreak "Has swine flu been oversold?"

People just want to get hysterical about stuff these days...our culture watches too much television, and if we don't have enough drama in our lives, we HAVE to invent it.

Submissive Journal Prompt

Do you have any body modifications? Would you ever be interested in pursuing body modification?

My ears are pierced, but that's about it. I used to have a second piercing in my right ear, but that closed up. I had my belly button pierced, but my body rejected the metal (we tried everything...surgical steel, titanium, gold). I've had two pregnancies, which maybe isn't what people typically think of as "body modification", but it does actually change your bone structure. *wry smile*

I have considered a couple of different tattoos for years...serpents wrapped around my wrists, my children's names, a symbol of my faith, a mark from Beloved. I'd probably go for white ink, regardless of the design. I haven't done it because I've never found the perfect design that I think I could live with for the rest of my life.

I have also imagined a pair of branding scars on my back...not designs...just scars. They would be on my shoulder blades, right about the bra-strap level. These would allow others to "see" my wings and remind me of who and what I am. I actually know two people who DO branding and they have said they'd be happy to help...but I am freaked by the process!

"Look at me! Look at me now!" said the cat...

"With a cup and a cake
On the top of my hat!
I can hold TWO books!
I can hold up the fish!
And a little toy ship!
And some milk on a dish!
And look!
I can hop up and down on the ball!
But that is not all!
Oh, no.
That is not all...

If you need to brush up on your Dr. Suess, the title comes from Cat In The Hat, and that was EXACTLY what I was just thinking. Typical pixie I was simultaneously:

* humming under my breath
* holding Girl
* washing the counter
* making bread
* defrosting a roast
* listening to Boy in the bath

Of course, I realize most of this is made possible by modern day convinces like bread machines that do the kneeding and microwaves and baby monitors, but it was still kind of amusing when the quote popped into my head.

I just worry about the next stanza...you know...when ALL the things fall...

Santa's lap dance...

Yeah...alright, so this is a sidetrack post that I am subjecting you to because there are some interesting toys in FetLife's Kinky Santa's bag that I *think* I'd love to surprise Beloved with.

If you can correctly guess MY three picks, I might be able to surprise you with a little something, too...