"The letter of the law versus the spirit of the law is an idiomatic antithesis. When one obeys the letter of the law but not the spirit, he is obeying the literal interpretation of the words (the "letter") of the law, but not the intent of those who wrote the law." ~ borrowed from
WikipediaSo I messed up. BIG TIME.
The rule is that if one of us plays, it must be safe. And I followed the rule to the letter. But the unspoken expectation was that Beloved would my safe call...
But I'm skipping ahead. I will try to set the scene for you.
It had been a LONG TIME since Beloved and I had played rough. We'd made love plenty, and there were little services I'd been providing the whole time, but the focused, direct attention was totally missing from my point of view. I was promised spanking at the play party...in fact, I was promised a spanking during the play party...but it never happened. I teased and asked for it a number of times, but there was always something else going on.
On Thursday, arrangements had been made for one of the gals from the play party to come to dinner. He has been very interested in her, she's expressed interest in him as well as asking questions about my submission and service. *soft sigh* Beloved told me that he would require my services for dinner. While I was and am very okay with Beloved enjoying another partner, my heart sank with the expectation that I would see him Dom her in the way I had been craving and denied for weeks.
Being in that hurt-desperate spot always gets me into trouble. Some day I'll learn...right?
I took matters into my own hands. I found a stranger online.
"Let me know if your looking for a good spanking. I'm willing to travel in and around chicago. Any age over 18, single, married, straight gay no difference to me. I can do this without sex involved so let me know what you're looking for."I messaged him and after a good series of e-mails, I set up a "date" for Friday afternoon. I set up a safe call with someone other than Beloved. I was obeying the letter of the law...I wasn't cheating... *rolls eyes* I knew what I was doing was not acceptable, but I neglected to mention it. I wasn't
lying, after all.
Thursday evening was pleasant. We had a wonderful visit with K and her Dom/lover joined us after class. The evening descended into steamy play which I was involved with, but I was the only one not to get naked. I was grateful that it was all sexual, not D/s, but it didn't negate my desires for a spanking.
Beloved called Friday morning with the good news about his company. I was thrilled, but he was still going out with his friends to play video games that evening. I felt neglected at the core level. Just before naptime, I messaged Beloved.
"Master, your pet misses your cock."I did. And I was feeling guilty about what I was do. After a few teasing text messages, I finally called him, asking if he were serious about coming home and fucking me silly. He said probably not, but he might change his mind as soon as he hung up. *sigh* I wanted HIM...nothing would have made me happier than for him to say yes....
But he didn't. A tiny piece of me was fiercely glad I already had a "date" for someone to pay attention to me, even if it wasn't really what I wanted. I'd told Cole absolutely no marks, which he had no problem with, but I knew it wouldn't give me the release I was craving.
Cole mentioned that he enjoyed the school girl look, so after I got Boy down for his nap, I changed quickly into a short plaid skirt, white button down shirt, white socks, white bra, and pale pink cotton panties. I put my hair up in pigtails, and spent about ten minutes pacing the house, picking up toys, and generally wondering what the hell I was doing.
Cole arrived right on time and was a total gentleman. We talked a little bit about the house, I got him a soda, he asked questions about my desires. They got more personal...more focused. Fortunately, they were mostly yes/no questions, but I could feel my cheeks burning when he asked if I sucked cock, if I enjoyed it, if I swallowed.
He noted out toybag and asked what sorts of things were in it. I showed him and he was practically drooling over the flogger.
Cole then settled on one of the couches and asked what I was wearing that he couldn't see. I told him exactly, and then he began to direct me to take everything off, piece by piece. He murmured compliments, examined me like a prized pet. He used the leash to lead me about the living room on my hands and knees before blindfolding me, bending me over the pool table and giving my bottom a few good slaps.
Being blindfolded always disorients my sense of time and what is happening...I know that Cole used a leather belt, the flogger, a paddle, his hand, and a crop on me. He continually checked in to make sure I was okay...almost to the point of MY frustration. He understood that there was no penetration allowed by him...but he asked me to play with myself a bit and show him how excited I was. He asked if it would be okay for me to grope him through his shorts, which I did. It was a nice cock that was forbidden to me, that's for sure.
Cole stepped away and was either getting something out of the toybag or putting something away...
"Oh, don't stop on MY account."Beloved's voice was calm, direct, Dominant. I spun around and pushed the blindfold up. He was leaning against the doorway, arms crossed, very relaxed stance.
"Seriously, please...continue." He moved to sit on the couch.
"You don't mind if I watch, do you?"Swallowing hard, I obeyed and resumed position fighting the despair and panic, but Cole... I think his heart was going 200 beats a minute. He stammered that it wasn't sexual, that he didn't think it was a good idea. Beloved stood up. "Nonsense. She wanted a spanking, she should get one."
From there, I received the most brutal spanking of my life. It seemed as soon as Beloved began spanking me, Cole managed to regain his composure. They talked about me, about the toys, about employment, about the situation. I was never sure when the next blow was coming, from where, or with what. I was told to stand, and my pussy and breasts were flogged. Cole had a bull whip that he wanted to try out, and Beloved agreed. Neither of them knew how to throw it, but it brought up use of a rat-tail...a coiled towel.
Beloved didn't hesitate to get not one, but two different towels. Where those landed true, purple roses bloomed instantly on my flesh. No where was spared. My breast, my thighs, my pussy, my back, my ass...
I cried out several times, but inside my head I chanted over and over that this was only what I truly deserved. Beloved lit the body candle and my stomach flip-flopped. He was still going to take care of me after all of it?! I was in total awe and I tried to accept it with grace. That didn't last, of course. Beloved started in with the paddle, and I screamed, dropping to the floor, begging.
"Stand up, pet."He couldn't...wouldn't...no, no, no... But I resumed position. The paddle landed again, and I dropped into a crouch.
"I said stand up, pet.""Please...please bind me. I can't...please..."But I stood, I took one more from the paddle and then the wooden fraternity paddle landed. I didn't know what I could do...I was feeling faint and scared. It never occurred to me to safeword, though. It was deserved, and it was with Beloved. It wasn't abusive...it was very clear that there was no loss of control, and there was concern for me expressed, both verbally and with actions (body candle meant aftercare). But I wasn't going to be able to take much more.
Somehow, Beloved knew this and drew it all to a close. I wasn't warned about the warm oil from the candle, and that made me scream and dance in absolute agony, but Beloved held me and rubbed it in, addressing every single one of the roses. He wrapped me in a towel and led me to a chair. He and Cole cleaned everything up, and Beloved actually suggested that Cole send his resume over to work for a potential job. Cole offered to be available if Beloved ever wanted someone to spank me again.... I was allowed to address Cole at last.
I apologized for the situation, for everything...and thanked him for being so cool about it all. He just smiled and said it had been fun. I saw him out the door.
Beloved was sitting in his chair and told me to fetch the camera.
"You have been marked. I'm sure you would like to share these with your friends."
These were taken two days later...
Shame flooded me. I didn't want to share ANY of this. Not this. This was a failure, a cheat, a wrong-doing to the amazing, wonderful Beloved Master of my life. I flatly offered that I wasn't going to blog about it.
"Nonsense! Your blog is about learning complaisance, isn't it? It would be a shame to forget this lesson."Harsh, blunt, true. And so I am writing this as my stomach flip-flops. People I know...people I respect...read this and will know what a childish brat I have been. Even though the law was followed to the letter, I used the loophole.
Beloved is hurt, but his anger seems to have melted away, almost as if the incident was forgiven. Beloved even said that I had the right to fulfill needs that I had expressed and not gotten from him (different from being denied).
I continue to despise myself, though. I am not to be trusted. I cannot control myself, my desires. I've lamely considered the dark places of suicide to relieve Beloved of my wretched faithlessness, but I recognize that as an escape and unacceptable.
*wry smile* It would help if SOMEONE would lay into me...get angry and let me be defiant about my choice of actions. So far, no one has...although the only ones who know everything are Beloved, Cole, and silvara. Now you. *soft sigh*
Despite the darkness I feel about the whole experience, I know Beloved is right and loves me. He's said there will be some new rules and new training, that he's learned an important lesson about how important the training is to me. That I will do as he says, exactly, and that is a great comfort to him. I continue to learn...to be overwhelmed by Beloved's acceptance of me and all of my graces as well as my flaws.
