How am I doing?

It's a question I have been getting a lot...given the fact that I had surgery and a new baby and all that, it's not surprising...

Physically, I'm doing pretty well. I haven't taken pain meds in two days. My scar apparently looks great. The swelling in my legs is gone. Beloved and I ventured out with the kids today, and I walked with Girl for more than an hour. Breastfeeding has been pretty natural for both Girl and me. All told, PHYSICALLY, I'm good.

Mentally? *winces* Yeah...not so much. That's part of the reason I stopped the pain meds...I realized I wasn't taking them to dull the physically pain as much as to dull the senses. There's been a constant press of people around me, well-meaning and trying to help, but I'm strained and all I want to do is to melt into the shadows. I cry all the time, it seems. I'm aching inside...is this the normal "baby blues" combined with the period from hell that comes after pregnancy? Or is this more?

I find myself gritting my teeth with both Boy and Girl. I WANT to be more fun, especially with Boy. I want to brave finger paints with him. I want to go to the emergency vehicle expo tomorrow. I want to have my body and my mind back!!!

Beloved has been out-of-this-world amazing, but that makes me all the more reluctant to lean on him. The office has been a strain on him, too, and he's getting slammed with the infant sleep schedule as well. *sigh*

Part of the reason I'm posting it to get it out...LAST time, I got myself into big trouble with PPD, and I am terrified of spiraling into that dark space again. I HAVE already talked to Beloved about it. I DO have plans to attend a support group next week, and I will make a second doctor's appointment today to talk about meds for this brainstorm...

And please, oh please please please...if you are local, DON'T ask what you can do! I'm so tired to trying to direct people. If there is something you'd like to do to help, do it...but I'm not a dominant type and I don't handle the directing very well.

I love our children. For all that I never wanted this kind of life, I find myself blessed to have been given it. I just wish that babies didn't cause me all kinds of hell...first the hyperemesis, then the depression and the stream of self-doubts...

Thank all the gods I never have to do this again...

Living Through Chaos

I get a once-a-week inspirational e-mail from The Ripples Project...this week happened to strike me as exceedingly appropriate for where I am at the moment...


PEBBLE
Live through chaos to create beauty, compassion, gratitude and change.
-created by longtime Ripples submitter Mary G., Peoria AZ, using "magnetic poetry" magnets


BOULDER
Chaos can be a positive thing.
Chaos is inherently part of the creative act.
To embrace creativity means you must also embrace chaos.
Things don't happen when everything is neat and "just so".
Creativity is all about disruption.
The people who tell you that creativity is pain-free are liars.
The people who tell you they've got a plan are liars.
There is no plan. There's just you, God and the need to invent.
And this uncertain world is what most of us
now find ourselves entering, willingly or otherwise.
-Hugh Mcleod


PONDER
Sometimes life is more chaotic and uncertain than we would like, and it might lead us to ask, "Is it worth it?"

We all have to find our own answer, but after experiencing a rather chaotic few weeks and wondering that more than once, my highest and bestest self knows only one answer:
Oooooohhhhhhh YES it is worth all the chaos for the rich and delicious life that comes with it.

Seek the support you need this week, and remember to breathe!

Picture time

Morning I left for the hospital

Beloved all suited up for surgery

Beloved holding Baby Girl

Exhausted girls

Boy meets Girl

Boy falls in love...

There's no place like home

So the doctors thought me and Girl were going well enough they sent us HOME! Only a 48 hour hospital stay! Woot! I'm very sore and achy, but it will be a relief to not be interrupted 3-4 times in the middle of the night.

So far, Boy is completely enchanted. When we came in the door, the immediate question was "Where's Baby Girl?" I got an "Oh, hi Momma..." *chuckles* Later the afternoon, we had Girl in the bouncy seat and she started to cry...and Boy started singing to her. Made me go all squishy inside!

I have pictures on the camera, but I need the other computer to get them resized and all. Hopefully by the end of the weekend...

Baby news

Today at 10:37, a baby girl has joined our family. At 8 pounds 6 ounces and 20 inches, she is as angry as they come about being so rudely woken up but we couldn't be more happy. Pixie is in recovery now and is coming along perfectly. We hope to have pictures and more news soon.

Thank you all for your love and support,

Proud Papa Beloved

Forty-three hours...

The very last bit of the home stretch...Baby has (stubbornly) decided to stick it out with me, so we are looking at heading to the hospital first thing Wednesday morning. I've been trying to catch up on all those silly chores...got the oil changed in the car, laundry laundry laundry, final grocery shop that *I* will do in a few weeks...

I'm trying not to stress out...although we had a c-section with Boy, it was an emergency, so there wasn't much to THINK about. This time, I've had to meet with an anesthiologist and get blood tests and make choices about this, that, or the other.

I know I've been taking you on a rollercoaster ride with my moods swings, too. Sorry 'bout that...look on the bright side...at least you know I'm real! :-P

I don't know if I'll be posting again before Baby is delivered, but maybe I'll talk Beloved into making an update for me when we have something exciting to say.

"anything you desire..."

I kind of hate those three words. They aren't real, and worse, they make me feel guilty...which I'm good at doing anyway...

I'm staring at the Great Room and loathing the need for pickup. I know I haven't wiped down the stove and counter in the kitchen, and there are now three loads of clean laundry waiting to be folded. I'm feeling guilty for having sat on the couch and read 100 pages of my book instead of dealing with any of these small chores, and there's the hot pressure of resentful tears behind my eyes.

Damn it, I did a good job today!

I ran laundry. I managed to get Boy and myself out of the house for several hours. We went to the park and then stopped by a couple of garage sales before going to the store and the doctor's office. I made FIVE different dinners so that there is a stockpile in the freezer now AND cleaned up all of the dishes. For the first time in a week, Beloved came home to a child who was well-rested and happy.

but it's not enough, cause I'm sitting here guilty and crying because I don't want to do more. I'm tired, I hurt, I'm sick of being pregnant, and so very sick of feeling like all I ever do is complain.

I even started collecting the crayons and located the missing playdoh container for the last lump Boy left out this evening, grumbling to myself about it all. The question flashed through my head...what WOULD make me happy right now? Really...? If I could have anything I desired...

The simple answer was "clean house, massage, cuddles, not hurting anymore"...but Beloved got me a cleaning service, gave me a rubdown and cuddles last night, and I turned down the doctor's offer of Tylenol-3...

I just want to scream! I feel so horribly selfish and useless and angry and resentful for no specific reason...just in general...

If I could have anything I desired, it would be a magical combination of absolution of guilt and permission to allow myself to be happy. Unfortunately, no one can give that to me except me...and I don't know how to let go.

125 hours...

I think Baby is trying out for the next Karate Kid role! Owie!

The more things change...

So Beloved and I have agreed, and Danaeris is going to be moving in with us. Details are a little fuzzy on exactly when, but it will probably be mid-August. There's a bit more work to do on the room for that to happen, but somehow it will all get done.

HIS worry is that she is female, and we have not yet had a good roommate relationship with a woman (outside the dorms, which really...there were 40-50 people, so it doesn't count). MY worry is she is clueless about what it's going to be like living with two small children.

I guess we'll find out together, eh?


Other than that, I don't have much to report. I'm dreadfully complainy about the fact that I'm STILL pregnant, but there are only 133.5 hours to go...

DD_ss Partnering Issues

This is an exceptionally challenging series...I'm not sure how clear I can be...

Everyone has probably experienced relationship issues whether they were newly-joined or working on their 10th year together. How do you deal with issues which arise from change; the changes brought on by personal growth and development that you've experienced but which are not necessarily being experienced or met by your partner.
I've mentioned many times that Beloved and I have been married 13 years. We married after only knowing each other for six months, before we went to college, before polyamory, before kids, and before kink and D/s. We've done a LOT of changing...both in the relationship, personally, and developmentally.

We have always been able to talk, though. Sometimes...okay, a lot of times...Beloved has called me on issues and MADE me talk about things I'd rather bury. There have been nights when he's driven us out to the middle of cornfields and created a "captive audience" to make the talks happen. Occasionally I get to return the favor.

How do you deal with these differences; do you meet them head on and deal with them in a straight forward fashion or do you try to compromise and accommodate your own ideals to fit those of your partner?
Beloved is much better at the head-on thing. Me...I am a guilty people-pleaser. I will do my best to accommodate my partner, then offer compromises...to a point. There are things that I will not sacrifice, though.

Does being in a D/s or M/s relationship make it anymore difficult or challenging for you?
Yes, I have found it more difficult to reconcile submission with my self-sense. My relationship with Sir is a good example of that. I tried very hard to meet his needs for control over me...small things like daily contact...but it became a resentment and a fear to me. My happiness and my sense of safety were compromised, and it became a very ugly thing before I finally broke down and ended the relationship. Even within the D/s lifestyle, I need space to fly free.

With Beloved, the issues are much different. Perhaps a lot of that is that Beloved and I don't PLAY much...the focus is more on SERVICE. Part of the reason we entered into the D/s concept was because I so desperately needed help adjusting to my life as a stay-at-home mom. While he still has to wrestle control from me, he is more likely to force a decision when I get overly emotional or fixated on perfection.

Does being in a D/s or M/s relationship make it anymore easier to come to resolutions and does it lessen the complicated nature of the process for you?
Sometimes. An example was when my purse disappeared at the movie theater, and I was overwhelmed with frustration in dealing with the staff and needing to get another deadline taken care of. Beloved finally glared at me and told me to GO and take care of my other task while he waited on the staff. I was in tears and that simple direction and excusal was a major relief.

What makes a relationship not worth fighting for?
When a compromise or a change comes with the sacrifice of happiness or self-worth, I think there are serious problems. Life is too short to be miserable because of a relationship.

What makes a relationship worth fighting for?
When the challenge is a bump in the road...something to puzzle out and adjust to...it is worth the fight. It doesn't mean the bump is small...For me, motherhood was a major bump...it shook me to the core and changed a lot of my identity. I did in fact look at adoption agencies when Boy was 8 weeks old, and it scared the hell out of me. Fighting for the relationship meant working out some lifestyle changes and my getting medical help.

172.5 hours...

Up again with nausea...although this time it was reasonably timely. I woke up just as the lightening and thunder were rolling in and got the windows closed before the rain hit.

We moved Boy into the new room and we got the stamp of approval yesterday morning...We were moving some tools and such that had gotten dumped in his old room for quick clear back to the basement, and Boy came in. He looked around and said, "This not my room..." ran to his new room and declared, "This my room! Ta-DA!!!" *grin* THAT was pretty damn awesome! I still need to clear out the old closet and switch his clothes to the new dresser, but I think the room-change stress is a non-worry now.

We had a very nice dinner with a gal who may in fact be our next roommate. *chuckles* Yeah, I know...after the last ones, we weren't exactly LOOKING, but when her e-mail was posted to one of my groups and I showed it to Beloved, we decided to offer. As a meet-n-greet, we spent almost 4 hours chatting with her and her mother. She has a job at FermiLab, is poly and served as CHAIR for a major polyfest in Canada, is a boardgamer, and asked about a GI diet. After dinner, she asked some rather pointed questions, including "Honestly, did you clean up before I arrived?". One of her only concerns was that the room we have to offer might be a little small, so can she keep some things like BOOKS in the common area? Basically, she is the antithesis of the last girl we lived with. I think one of my major concern is how well she can adjust to life with small kids, but apparently she had a job doing childcare at one point.

*shrug* I think I've mentioned before, but in the 13 years that Beloved and I have been married, we have not had a cooperative living arrangement for about 47 months TOTAL...and that is split and divided. Most of the time, it's been a good thing.

My rambling last post...*sigh* It's kinda funny what things get triggered when you're tired and emotional. It was raw, but reflective in a way I don't usually get. I guess it's a good thing, but I wonder if people think I'm a closet nutcase. *grin* I suppose I am, truthfully, but not for the reasons you might think!

Anyhow, I'm going to go back and try to lay down again...I've got an hour and a half before I have to be up, and I need the rest even if it's not SLEEP...

172 hours...and counting...

Where is God? Where is my submission?

WARNING: I'm tired, I'm emotional, I'm not sure any of this makes sense... Read with a salt shaker at hand and imbibe of the granules regularly...


I am not a practicing anything. I am not part of any organized religious group. However, I attended a Roman Catholic school for eight years. Generally speaking, I do not subscribe to that faith anymore.

But today, I'm stuck.

Today, I learned that a good friend's sister is 22 weeks pregnant. The baby she is carrying is not viable. At the twenty-week ultrasounds, they saw some deformities that led to a high-def ultrasound. There is no connection between the two halves of the baby's brain. This is not a case of mental retardation...this is a life that will not last more than an a few minutes.

This woman is with a very strong Christian doctor and hospital. They will not abort, and this woman will not seek other care. At 24 weeks, there is a reasonable chance that a normal, healthy baby could survive...and so, at 24 weeks, the doctor will induce labor, supposedly "to create a premature birth that will allow nature to take its path." This woman will labor and give a natural birth to a child who will die in her arms if it survives the birthing.

Where is God?

I struggle with what I know of the Bible...Genesis 2-3 is where it begins, I suppose...The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, from which Eve and Adam ate the fruit despite being warned not to, and thus were banished...but not abandoned.

Is that where our medical knowledge comes in? Is medicine "evil" knowledge? Why is it okay to peer into our bodies to create healing but not to offer death? Why is it right to sustain life with respirators and chemicals and IV-lines, but not right to remove artificial life support? Why...knowing that there is agony and suffering... can we not shorten a life? Why are we forbidden mercy?

Such hard questions are the reason I turned my back on the Catholic Church so many years ago. I lack the resolve and courage that this woman has to suffer for what she believes is the path of righteousness. I lack the faith and the devotion that I will not be not abandoned.

So it is, perhaps, in my submission.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about Fear in Slavery, and I said that two of my greatest fears were not being good enough and not being acceptable. Perhaps I mis-stated. Perhaps my greatest fear is that no matter the depths of my submission and devotion, I will be abandoned, again, by the one I love most.

I learned the lesson over five years of watching my mother suffer countless surgeries, treatments, and complications of cancer. I learned that my needs and my happiness weren't worthy of consideration in the BIG PICTURE. I learned I wasn't good enough to stop the death of the one I loved most. I was abandoned. Maybe worse, I was asked to provide the means for that abandonment and I did as I was asked. Unlike Abraham, the angel did not stop me (Genesis 22:12).

Where was God?

Today, I am wife, mother, pixie... But am I submissive? I don't know. I hold myself back...even from my Beloved and my children. Oh, I like to be of service...I like to make the lives of those around me easier and more pleasant, but ask me to suffer, and I can't bring myself to do it. Not really. I withdraw, get jaded, hide inside my head. I do not have the courage and resolve to see it through. Where is my submission if I do not have the faith and devotion to trust that deeply?

DD_ss: Are submissives inferior?

I saw a thread a ways back,quite a ways back about whether submissives are inferior to Dominants. Do you believe that to be the case? Are submissives inferior? Are Dominants Superior? Perhaps the key lies within the wording(inferior).

Although we might regularly use the words "inferior" and "superior" to describe stations, I do not believe it is accurate. A few years ago, there was a wonderful commercial for a car (of all things!) that I really enjoyed. It was a 12-year old boy, dressed all in white, and he was talking about how he wanted to be a teacher...he said his father asked him, "Don't you want to be a doctor or a lawyer or something important?" The boy replied, "Where would we get doctors or lawyers if there were no teachers?"

It is the similar thing in D/s. Yes, there can be unpartnered Dominants and submissives, but both aspects are necessary to truly reveal our individual natures. There is no inferiority in being submissive...it is only different.

Perhaps there are different types of submissives?

Absolutely...and in more ways than one!!! Having lived with others who identify as D/s and feeling I have nothing in common with them, this is an understatement.

I don't mean to imply that all submissives should be submissive to all Dominants. However, aren't submissives / slaves a reflection of their Owner? Wouldn't loud, perhaps rude behavior reflect badly on the Owner? Or better yet, wouldn't a submissive nature coupled with polite manners reflect well upon the Owner? Is it about the Owner..or is it about the submissive who feels she has been treated rudely and isn't going to take it?

Thoughts?

I stumbled upon an essay that addressed rude language...

Let our tongues be used only for pleasure. Just as we would
not brush our hair with the same brush we use to clean the
toilets, neither should we use the same mouth to kiss, suck,
or serve that spews filth and disrespect to the rest of the world.
~ adapted from "Taming the Tongue" by Katie B.

The idea could be extended to behavior in general, regardless of D/s standing, and it is a concept in most major world religions...we must strive to be pure in thought and mind. "Do unto others..."

To a certain extent, yes, Dominants tend to take the credit for good behavior and the submissives take the fall for poor behavior....but I also believe submissives are responsible for their own behavior. The reflection comes up more of a question of why would a Dominant stand for rude or lazy behavior. *sigh* It is one of those things where those outside of a relationship should not criticize...

It is almost an insult to say that it is all about Owners/Dominants/pick a label. It is an unfair charge on their responsibility and it fails to recognize the complicated dynamic of submission/slavery. When all is said and done, in current society, we have the right and responsibility to consent to each and every aspect. We can blame no one but ourselves.

Like every aspect of life, there are PEOPLE....good people, bad people, kind people, rude people, enthusiastic people, morose people...and our moods change! We can't be summarized in single boxes.

You can push a submissive too far, just like you can push a Dominant too far or an overworked postal employee too far. In general, we need to respect one another. Life would be much easier if we all took that simple step.

Painting followed by personal attentions

Our July 4th was rainy...but that was okay. Adaya spent the night and Beloved woke the both of us to a wonderful breakfast of buttermilk pancakes. Afterwards, we spent several hours painting in the kids' room. It's really looking pretty awesome! Boy even helped, and he is surprisingly good at staying inside the taped lines and worries over his drips.



We are nearing completion with this...mostly all we have to do now is draw in the connecting lines.



***EDIT***On July 5th, some other friends came over and helped put in a Tree of Life...it came out really amazing!!!



**END EDIT***


Unfortunately, standing gets to me pretty quickly these days. I went to fix lunch and really kinda lost my cool when Boy dropped his FULL cereal bowl on the carpet. *sigh* Although I apologized to him for yelling, Beloved came to the rescue, while Adaya cleaned up the stuff from painting...I can't really express how grateful and mollified I am. It's just that I am so tired of HURTING. The lack of sleep and the hyperemesis I can almost manage, but the pain is really destroying my coping skills....

After lunch, Beloved got Boy down for a nap, and Adaya, Beloved, and I spent several hours just sitting and talking about nothing in particular. I don't know if there was a deliberate thought about it, but SITTING STILL for a while helps me so much. By the time Adaya finally carried through on her threat to leave, it was 5 pm.

We had a late night with Boy doing absolutely nothing...just hanging out, watching television, racing around the house. It was almost 11pm by the time the local bottle rockets settled down enough to put Boy to bed.

I grabbed my razor, shaving cream, a towel, a washcloth, and a cup of water when I returned to the bedroom. With the impeding birth, there are going to be a lot of people seeing my pussy, and I was feeling really self-conscious about it. With a shy smile, I asked if Beloved would help with that, and he grinned...and got his buzzer. *coughs* For someone who doesn't usually enjoy vibrators, um...yeah. Beloved thoroughly enjoyed teasing me about how puffy and excited my pussy got. "Perhaps it's the light, but I don't think I've seen you get so PURPLE before..."

My arms were wrapped over my eyes and my cheeks were aflame as well.

After 30-45 minutes of very careful grooming, Beloved declared that I was ready for a final inspection. Naturally, he didn't let me off the hook. "Do you want me to lick your pussy?" Nodding wasn't going to satisfy his little sadistic streak...and when I covered my face and said, "No no no...nevermind, just go away..." he didn't take that, either. He MADE ME voice my desires...after which there was really no holding back the moans and gasps. Eventually, he fucked me, too...

Subbiebunny came to visit!

We met at SJW, and she's come through Chicago twice since then and made time to visit both times.

*wry smile* of course, every time I meet up with another submissive, especially a service submissive who comes to the house, I get a raw nervous edge...suddenly I see all the crayon marks and splatters anew and I worry over how real-life works vs. D/s ideals...Perhaps one lesson I SHOULD take away from my pregnancy-imposed limitations is that it's okay to be HUMAN. I'm still fighting that one...

I'm reasonably sure that if Subbiebunny were still here, she'd smack me on the head for such silliness. She's simply wonderful...there is an air of surety about her that *I* find comforting. Someday, I hope to grow up to be like her...

We enjoyed each other's company over dinner, and after cleaning up Subbiebunny attended to her online correspondence while I ran an errand and got dessert put together. The guys were zoned into Gears of War (*grumbles*) and I ended up wisking Boy off for a bath to keep him out of everyone's hair. Subbiebunny is used to EST, so she was ready to retire as soon as the den was vacated...I tumbled into bed shortly after...

Unfortunately, it was a rough night for me and Boy and Baby. My plans for making a proper breakfast were besieged by my body's needs. My best sleep came between 6:30 and 9:30 am, and I was still sick this morning, but when I managed to get myself downstairs, Subbiebunny and Beloved were talking like old friends and being amused by Boy's interests in drawing and the laser pointer...

*soft smile* There's a dreaded "inspirational e-mail" about the differences between a good friend and a true friend.

I'm so lucky to have so many TRUE friends in my life!

Twenty Days

Not much else to say...I'm pregnant.

DD_ss BDSM and Romance

Do you believe there is room for romance in BDSM?

Main Entry: ro·mance

1 a (1): a medieval tale based on legend, chivalric love and adventure, or the supernatural (2): a prose narrative treating imaginary characters involved in events remote in time or place and usually heroic, adventurous, or mysterious (3): a love story especially in the form of a novel b: a class of such literature
2: something (as an extravagant story or account) that lacks basis in fact
3: an emotional attraction or aura belonging to an especially heroic era, adventure, or activity

Given the definition of "romance", I don't think that BDSM necessitates romance, but there is room for it.

Does your M/s or D/s relationship have romance as part of the dynamics?

*soft smile* Yes, my relationship with Beloved is largely romantic. He is, in every sense of the word, my hero. He has rescued me from the clutches of evil doctors; he has cradled me against his chest; he has knelt before this Cinderella girl and seen beyond the smudges and tears and made me into his very own princess.



Do you feel romance can heighten the relationship, or does it detract from the power exchange?

Both. Because of his hero status, I am forever his. I strive to fulfill his desires and whims and beg for his reassurance that I am a good girl and doing what needs to be done with pride and grace worthy of his continued protection.

But, because Beloved is my hero, it can be a hard tumble when he is tracing a knife over my body and warning me to be very very still or he might slip. We do not have much physical BDSM play because marks are viewed as "abusive" or a failure in his protection and careful consideration...