This is an exceptionally challenging series...I'm not sure how clear I can be...
Everyone has probably experienced relationship issues whether they were newly-joined or working on their 10th year together. How do you deal with issues which arise from change; the changes brought on by personal growth and development that you've experienced but which are not necessarily being experienced or met by your partner.
I've mentioned many times that Beloved and I have been married 13 years. We married after only knowing each other for six months, before we went to college, before polyamory, before kids, and before kink and D/s. We've done a LOT of changing...both in the relationship, personally, and developmentally.
We have always been able to talk, though. Sometimes...okay, a lot of times...Beloved has called me on issues and MADE me talk about things I'd rather bury. There have been nights when he's driven us out to the middle of cornfields and created a "captive audience" to make the talks happen. Occasionally I get to return the favor.
How do you deal with these differences; do you meet them head on and deal with them in a straight forward fashion or do you try to compromise and accommodate your own ideals to fit those of your partner?
Beloved is much better at the head-on thing. Me...I am a guilty people-pleaser. I will do my best to accommodate my partner, then offer compromises...to a point. There are things that I will not sacrifice, though.
Does being in a D/s or M/s relationship make it anymore difficult or challenging for you?
Yes, I have found it more difficult to reconcile submission with my self-sense. My relationship with Sir is a good example of that. I tried very hard to meet his needs for control over me...small things like daily contact...but it became a resentment and a fear to me. My happiness and my sense of safety were compromised, and it became a very ugly thing before I finally broke down and ended the relationship. Even within the D/s lifestyle, I need space to fly free.
With Beloved, the issues are much different. Perhaps a lot of that is that Beloved and I don't PLAY much...the focus is more on SERVICE. Part of the reason we entered into the D/s concept was because I so desperately needed help adjusting to my life as a stay-at-home mom. While he still has to wrestle control from me, he is more likely to force a decision when I get overly emotional or fixated on perfection.
Does being in a D/s or M/s relationship make it anymore easier to come to resolutions and does it lessen the complicated nature of the process for you?
Sometimes. An example was when my purse disappeared at the movie theater, and I was overwhelmed with frustration in dealing with the staff and needing to get another deadline taken care of. Beloved finally glared at me and told me to GO and take care of my other task while he waited on the staff. I was in tears and that simple direction and excusal was a major relief.
What makes a relationship not worth fighting for?
When a compromise or a change comes with the sacrifice of happiness or self-worth, I think there are serious problems. Life is too short to be miserable because of a relationship.
What makes a relationship worth fighting for?
When the challenge is a bump in the road...something to puzzle out and adjust to...it is worth the fight. It doesn't mean the bump is small...For me, motherhood was a major bump...it shook me to the core and changed a lot of my identity. I did in fact look at adoption agencies when Boy was 8 weeks old, and it scared the hell out of me. Fighting for the relationship meant working out some lifestyle changes and my getting medical help.
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