Do you ever wonder where time goes? I do. Frequently these days. Between playdates and classes and lack of sleep, the days slip past. *wry smile* When you have something hard to say, time slippage becomes an easy...almost legitimate excuse.
Beloved and I have had a couple of discussions about harder...rougher...sexual play...edge play, breath play, and forced pleasure. It tears me up. Mentally, I'm screaming NO NO NO NO NO. I do NOT like this. GOOD girls do not like this. I never asked to be raped...
But as Beloved has pointed out, my body is turned on.
The juxtaposition has been very hard for me to wrap my head around. Thinking about it gives me a sour stomach, and blogging about it...well, truth is, I've known about this a lot longer since it was some of what Sir played with. It's taken months for me to put it into blunt words, even if it was all hinted at.
It is absolutely terrifying to me in many ways. Beloved teases that he will have to convince me of the "Mr. Hyde" in him since he doesn't *quite* see me getting lost in the moment. I might not have believed there WAS a Mr. Hyde until the other night...
On Tuesday, the DOM met for the monthly gathering. I was serving, but BruisedMaria was the demo sub for Rick's presentation on Rough Body Play. I've known Rick for years and years. He is a good man, a loving father. Until recently, I've shared sympathies as a service SUB with him... While I wasn't invited to sit and watch the demo, the pieces I saw while serving the other Dominants were very intense. Rick describes it as "watching a train wreck and not being able to look away." He was using his whole body behind the punches, there was no remorse in the face slaps, there was blood drawn. Just listening was a little edgy for me. *wry smile* I was asked more than once if I was okay with the scene.
Okay? *shrug* I try not to judge what others do when it comes to kink. I don't get squigged easily because I look at it objectively...clinically. And while the scene was intense, it was obvious that Maria was okay before, during, and well-cared for afterwards. So yes, I was okay with it.
But trying to imagine a different scene...one with Beloved and me...THAT put butterflies in my stomach. My head ached. I wanted to be alone to digest the thoughts and feelings, and people just wouldn't LEAVE! *wry smile* I used the kitchen, the head ache, and Girl to excuse myself over and over, hoping to settle the cyclone in my head. Finally, when we did go to bed, I couldn't relax. When Beloved's breathing slowed, I slipped out of bed for a long, hot shower and cried some...and then I went to sleep without nightmares.
I'm still having a hard time sorting it out. Do I want to be abused that way? The automatic response is Of COURSE NOT! But when Beloved said I wasn't really a masochist, my pause made him raise an eyebrow in consideration. So...I don't know. I really don't. All I know is that SOMETHING is there...
I think you've uncovered something there that can be a lot of fun but also very hard to process and take in.... The funny thing is that scene was on the light side for us... with my headache and nerves I had to taunt her more than normal and kept darting in and out to ensure I could keep going. If you ever want to talk about it though I would love to, all you have to do is ask!
ReplyDelete*soft laugh* Oh, I fully believe it was a mild scene for you...I
ReplyDeletecould see the tension headache in your eyes. But it was also a major
departure from anything Beloved and I have played with. Actually seeing that kind of rough play in action and trying to place it in my own relationship was what was kicking me over....
I suspect it's just going to be one of those "won't know until you
try" things. I question if Beloved's really in for such scenes, but I don't quite scoff at the possibility the way I did.