Okay, so it's not that dark. The light is on and Beloved is across the table from me working on something or other, but it IS close to midnight. He'd be the first to agree we are being STOOPID about sleep. *sigh* So much for the reflexology, eh? I'm as wide awake as I ever am at this time of night.
I ramble. heh. That should be a sign, right? oiy.
So last week, I made a post on craigslist. I've been feeling vaguely guilty about it because I didn't mention it to Malifeo or Rabbit, but at the same time, I know they are both dating others, so what the hell.
Beloved, on the other hand... *sigh* He's so busy that he doesn't really date, and since Adaya moved...really, nothing. So he is both teasing me about my liaisons and wistfully hoping that I find what I'm looking for.
ouch. Maybe it would help if I KNEW what I was looking for in the first place, but I don't. I'm in the clumsy, messy process of flinging mud on the wall, hoping for a clearer picture. It's not working all that well, although I really like Rabbit and things might lots of fun if Malifeo weren't 120+ miles away.
Sometimes it makes me sad. Sometimes, when I am talking to someone who is struggling, I understand all too well how hard it can be, although *I* am usually on the other side...the one who gets to go out and have fun and meet people. I wish I knew how to share THAT side more clearly. That being the one who goes out comes with it's own worries, heartaches, and fears. Am I hurting the one I love with no real reason, no real end-point to the quest, the hurt? Gods, what the hell AM I doing?
I dunno. Sometimes I think the whole poly thing sucks boulders. Most of the time I think it sucks boulders. But giving it up, closing out the possibility of finding...what? I don't know. I just don't know.
Finding people who are interested in you is going to be easy part. Finding people who aren't going to cheat, live within a reasonable distance from you, and are actually interesting and intriguing people - well, that's a little harder
ReplyDeleteNow I am curious as to what sort of replies you got from CL
The poly thing is new for me, and after a TERRIBLE first experience with a girlfriend earlier this year, i was ready to write this whole thing off. But I knew that doing so would only prove to my ex that the bullshit she was spewing was right- that I "don't need" a girlfriend. I "just need a bi friend." Which is not true.
ReplyDeleteI learned that I need to be in this lifestyle with no expectations...at least initially. If something becomes serious with a woman or women, then that's different. I'm really having fun meeting new people and doing things I would not normally do...like travel to Downer's with that much traffic by MYSELF! That was big! And it was worth it to spend time with you :)
I'm relishing in the time I'm spending with you and the other women I've met thus far. And I'm close too! That's always a plus.
Let's talk this week sometime.
BTW, I like you too! :)
Rabbit said it well. I do wish that there wasn't so much distance between us. I enjoyed the time I was able to make it up there. I hope to come up again sometime :). The travel aspect is not so big a deal as I enjoy the scenery on the way up and the company makes the journey that much sweeter.
ReplyDeleteAnd push comes to shove remember the words of the Bard
This above all: to thine own self be true
My first experience with poly didn't work out so well either. It ended before it had a chance to get serious.
ReplyDeleteDuring that time, in addition to the wife, I had a pixie that I could at least talk too; I'm sure she heard things from other perspectives, but she's smart, and keeps such things to herself. :)
It wasn't long before I found another fine female specimen, and it's been wonderful having Ninian in my life.
While there is no telling what lies around the corner, Rabbit, I do know the the company you keep has a lot to offer, and can safely guide you into the poly world without too much craziness and drama.