Where did the last week go? Beloved and I are wondering. Very little on our "to do" list got done. We both feel like we haven't gotten the down time we were hoping for. WTF? *sigh*
The discussion of my going back to work has been re-opened. It hurts. I'm "supposed" to enjoy being a mom and staying home and nurturing the children. What about homeschooling? Girl is only 10 months old. *weeps* and two kids is just making me heartsore! I don't feel like I'm able to do either one of them...or myself...justice.
Prime example...last Saturday, I was getting them ready for bed. Girl was on the changing table, mid-diaper change. Boy did something (I don't remember what) and I turned around to help him. I was about 3 feet from the changing table, but Girl managed to roll over and off, landing hard on her head. I'm NOT an ER momma, but her limbs were jerky and her eyes were droopy and I got scared! So, Girl, Boy, and I spend a few hours in the ER Saturday night. Girl had a mild concussion, but was discharged without any extensive tests and has been perfectly fine since the incident.
But it was the first time I'd ever taken either child to the ER. And I felt negligent. I was in the same room, within arm's reach, but because I addressed Boy, Girl had an accident. The guilt is driving me a little crazy. I'm angry that I just can't seem to do it all.
blech.
Flip side...I had a fantastic birthday on Wednesday. Lots of wishes from lots of friends. E-mail, phone calls, texts, cards. I made two cakes and had a bunch of folks over for games in the evening. It rained, so it wasn't awful hot-humid. It was just a good day.
And today...this morning...was good. Boy and I went to the nature center and did their letterbox hunt. I brought some quartz crystals, so we left one in the box and he kept one of the "diamonds". We went out to lunch and had a good time. It was wonderful until it was time to go home and then all the magic unraveled and I was a mean mom who didn't let him do anything...
It is this daily mantra that makes me resentful and tired and long for an escape.
I know...he's three; it's normal; he doesn't mean it. But I still feel like a failure. I'm so tired of struggling. As Boy says so often, "I want to be left alone."
Guilt is just a warning. It only tells you that what you did didn't agree with what you believed you should have somehow. It's a tool you have to be careful of, because once you feel it there are only a couple things you can do...change what you do or change what you believe. Too often we hold ourselves up to impossible standards, and live in guilt because we can't do what we feel we should. You sound like a very good mother, in some ways because of the guilt, but don't let it get you down. Acknowledge it, see why you feel it, make adjustments if you think you need to, and above all forgive yourself. The "best we can" varies from day to day with circumstances anyway ;).
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