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*half smile* I know so many of my friends have been waiting anxiously to hear about SJW. I'm having a hard time with processing and I'm not sure what I want/need to say about it. I guess starting with factuals and see where it goes from there....


I spent all day Thursday cleaning the house and getting it as ready as possible for not being home. From planning "guy food" meals (Beloved's wording!) to making sure sheets were clean for overnight guests to getting the last batch of plants into the garden (and it was drizzling when I did that!), I really worked HARD on Thursday. But I was excited and looking forward to a break and the event, so it was okay. I was high on the rush.

Thursday night turned into a night from hell. Finally I got around to getting myself ready for being gone (packing, biting my nails over the presentation). By 11pm, I was exhausted and wanted to collapse. Beloved crawled into bed next to me and wanted to snuggle and chat. I'm afraid I wasn't really receptive or mindful because I was so tired... *frowns* He just smiled, tucked me in, and got comfy in his blankets. No sooner had the light gone off, but Girl started crying. I dragged myself out of bed, changed her and got her a bottle, settled her down... Thirty minutes later, she had sucked the bottle dry and wanted more, which woke Boy up...got up again to settle them. At 2:30 am, Boy came into the bedroom complaining he couldn't find "Aydin-Kitty". I got up, found the stuffed cat, got him settled again. The alarm that was set for 3:20am didn't go off, and Beloved nudged me at 4:30. Instead of waking up, showering, and getting the last of my brain together, it was a frantic dash to the car and then to the airport. I made my flight, but they were already giving the safety presentation when I scurried on board...

That was how SJW began. Already heartsore from over-serving, already overtired. I desperately wanted to find space to let go and just cry...but I was reconnecting with some awesome friends, presenting that night, and wanted to be a happy PIXIE!!! Sorta "fake it til you make it"...and I did, for the most part.

The first session I attended was by BootPig on how to "grow" into a "pain connoisseur". There were some very helpful, basic self-care tips that I kinda knew but rarely apply, like being well-hydrated (bad pixie! drink more water!). But there was also the "I could never do that" sinking feeling as Pig went into some of the more intense scenes. Perhaps the hardest to swallow was her explanation of interrogation scenes. Her Owner is Marine Corps, and the goal of interrogation is FAILURE. The goal is to BREAK you. It is designed to fuck with your head and remove your reality. "It is not a trust that I won't break you...the trust is that you and I will fix it when you DO." Deep. Hard. And intensely scary because I think that is somewhere I want to go...but...but...yeah.

I was pretty shaken by that session and had about 30 minutes to pull myself back together before *I* had to present! I swallowed hard, called Beloved and talked for a few minutes, then stripped and took a shower. Wash it off, let it go...process LATER.

The presentation on "When lifestyles collide: non-monogamy and D/s" was wildly popular. There were 45 people at the conference, 3 classes that session. I figured if I got 8-10 people to attend, I'd be lucky. Instead, 22 people settled down to a floor-room only discussion! I wasn't ready for the size, wasn't ready for the heart-hurts and tears that were brought forth. I wasn't prepared to be labeled "expert" and spend several hours over the next two days "counseling" and offering my suggestions. I'll admit that there is a certain high to being desired in that way...but it was hard and colored much of the rest of the weekend.

Dinner was followed by "quiet time". HA! That night was probably the highlight of the weekend...laying in bed with a bunch of my friends and just telling jokes, catching up. We called Remmy, who couldn't attend this year. It was just so..."old shoe", as subbiebunny commented. Comfortable, familiar, and worn to fit. We were up waaaaay to late!

Saturday morning's first session was much easier. Intuitive service with Michael was a lot closer to my expectations and closer to my current service. I don't know about a 7-page spreadsheet to detail out what Beloved's preferences are, but there was more affirmation than "can't possibly measure up" at the end of the session.

The next session I somehow managed to be the ONLY attendee, and I got a one-on-one lesson from lilredhead, who was also SouthEast Bootblack 2009. I had brought Beloved's everyday boots, and she helped me clean them up. She apologized for "getting intimate with your Beloved's boots" while pulling out the insoles, looking them over, pointing out what needed to be done. We also got to talk more, and that was really nice. I'm delighted to call her a friend.

After lunch, there was a big group on "Keeping it real". The Ask-It Basket was a place to ask questions completely anonymously. I had settled on the floor in the back but was called up to join the staff because there were some poly questions and they needed an expert. *swallow* I'm not the expert! I'm just me! The poly questions were left to last and were very heartsore situations involving cheating and ending relationships. Many people left for that part, and the puzzling of the situations ran through the break.

I dashed to the next session, again with BootPig on "It's not what you say, but how you say it". There were some good thoughts shared, but so much left me again wondering. I am not very good in this area, and I can be extremely disrespectful to Beloved, most commonly when I should HALT because I'm Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Speaking of tired...I was getting to the point of feeling physically ill because I was so exhausted. I finally honored the self-care message, left class, wrote a note that "pixie is desperately napping. Please nudge me at 6." The nap helped, as did a big salad dinner.

My team had supper clean-up, and after that, I was torn between Pig's "Mindful Movement" and Jeri's "Damaged Trust". *sigh* I didn't think I would deal well with more hard talking so was back in Pig's presentation. I was mostly reminded of Beloved's comment when I was pampering my back when serving the DOM...my posture generally needs work. I got a few ideas, mostly about crawling (which Beloved admired Sunday night!).

I disappeared for my own quiet time after the session. Beloved hadn't yet picked up the children, so I didn't get to say goodnight to Boy. While I had recorded a message, that hurt more than I thought it would. When I hung up, I finally allowed myself to cry a little bit, stifling my sobs because there were people on the deck above me. Simone found me afterwards, and we just laid on the bed and chatted for a while until I finally got up, found my crayons and went to be "social" without being very talkative. It was amusing to me how I bristled at the question of how old I was...in reference to being a "little" in age play. *shrug* Age doesn't play into my coloring, really. It's just comforting because it's something I did with my mom, and I still have coloring books that she and I worked on together over 20 years ago.

Sunday morning was met with a flurry of clean-up. I think everything was ahead of schedule, at least until we met in the last big group and de-briefed. The "assignment" was we each had a "secret" person who we had to write things we learned about through the weekend. There were a lot of additions and tears, laughter and hugs. It was good. The comments about me were "Gave thoughtful, wise insight in several classes this weekend. Caring friend, willing to help others find solutions that work for them. Smiles with her entire body!"

About 20 of us agreed to lunch after SJW and went to the Old Mill. The fritters were AMAZING, and if you ever drop in, ask for "Mikey"...he was an amazing server!

From there? MandolinLady dropped me and Simone off at the airport. For the most part, I just wanted to be alone, and Simone was a comforting presence without having to talk much. Beloved picked me up without the kids, and we talked about his weekend (mostly) on the ride.

Pulling up to the house, I was met with a tremendous surprise: Beloved had organized a work crew to surprise me with a garden walkway (welcome home, Mother's Day, birthday present!). Some of the stones weigh 80 pounds, so there was a LOT of work and it was really amazing to come home to! I was distracted by Girl's cries and rushed in...back to the thick of my everyday.

Rain and her husband (both had helped with the walkway and Rain watched the kids while Beloved picked me up) joined us for supper. I was both comforting to be back in my world and painful.

I still have a lot in my head and heart that I need to PROCESS. Writing about it here has helped. I'm hoping that some work in the garden and a quiet day today will be add to the salve. *deep breath*


I should warn you
When I’m not well
I can’t tell
Oh, there’s nothing I can do
To make this easier for you
You’re gonna need to be patient with me

I’m this apple, this happening stone
When I’m alone
Oh, but my blessings get so blurred
At the sound of your words
I’m gonna need you to be patient with me

How can I warn you when my tongue turns to dust
Like we’ve discussed
It doesn’t mean that I don’t care
It means I’m partially there
You’re gonna need to be patient with me

~ Wilco


For all the heartache, I am glad I did SJW. I'm glad to be home. I lack the words to express how grateful I am that Beloved has been so very understanding and supportive, now and always!