LunaKM asks, "What would people not know or guess about you?"
It's a funny question because if people don't know it, there's probably a reason they wouldn't guess it. But, I suppose it is kinda relevant to my current mood, which is rather blah/blech.
For all my service, all my tender bleeding heart, all my empathy, I have a core apathy that no one really touches. I've had people express surprise that I "trust" them with my rape history or with the hurts from losing my mom or with my self-doubts, but really, it is a front...a protection. The more people who know, the less "secret" the hurt, the less power the hurt holds, the better I am at maintaining my coldness.
Do you really think I am gullible enough to let anyone hurt me? Really?
*sigh* This has been my struggle and current agony for a while. It's part of what has gone into the "Dark Fantasies" and part of why I haven't gotten back to the tale. I feel a need to have SOMEONE break me down. The walls I've build have protected me, but they also imprison me. But I don't fear the people I know.
Oh, most certainly I have no doubts about the physical pain they could cause me. I don't even doubt that they could elicit real panic through breath play. I don't doubt that they could push beyond angry resentment and reduce me to tears and quibbering.
But I doubt anyone can break open my prison and set me free.
That's some interesting introspection. How we build our walls isn't always easy for us to see ourselves. Kudos to the insight. That being said I'll play both sides.
ReplyDelete1. it's nice to think of someone else bearing the responsibility, or doing the work of taking us out of our pain, but rarely works when we aren't doing it ourselves. Still, fantasies have their place too and are by no means bad ;)
2. those walls are there for a reason and won't come down lightly or before they are ready. Perhaps fight the cause, not the effect. Perhaps paint them with something nice for awhile (or a bullseye if they really get to ya)
I'm with you on this one, at least in part. For me it is the struggle of having such high and strong walls built up, knowing they are there to protect me and keep me safe, but desperately wanting someone to knock them down. And tell me that they are there to keep me safe now, and I don't need the walls anymore. But the thought of the reinforcements I've built up crumbling to the ground and allowing a person, a human being, capable of destroying me, take the place of the walls? It's terrifying. Being scared of something we want is a big part of this, isn't it? **hugs**
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