Isolating

That was what Beloved said to me last night. I asked if he realized how silly that sounded. After all, there's been regular get-togethers with friends, hosting events, and an endless stream of outings with the kids. How could I be isolating?!?

Because I know you. You can be alone in a crowd.

He is right...I can be at the center table of a crowded conference and be utterly alone. I "build walls" to keep people out...or to keep myself in.

For months now, I've been overextending myself. If I stay busy, maybe I won't notice, won't feel, won't realize how tired/hurt/confused/frustrated I am. It isn't working out well. I'm snappy with the kids; I'm distant with Beloved.

I don't know what to do about it.

It's not like Beloved is well-rested and living it up. He's working at least as hard as I am. He's balancing work politics, family politics, and me. We both need a reboot, but when/where/how to make that happen is elusive.

Instead, today, I've run three loads of laundry, done the dishes, completed a grocery shop, gotten Boy to counting class and digging class, and started dinner. *wry smile* And that doesn't sound like nearly enough to me. I must have done something else with the day...haven't I?

All in all it's just another brick in the wall.