I was so busy last week that several things fell off my radar, including writing here. One of this week's journal prompts from "Submissive Journal Prompts" sparked reluctance, thus seemed like something I should explore.
What do you want but are too timid to ask for?
*wry smile* Beloved reads here...so answering this is intensely difficult. It's also hard to ask because I just don't KNOW what I am asking for. What are the nuances? What are the ramifications? Is there a way to back out if I hate it? Am I really truly willing to accept all of the possibilities? Can I swallow my fear, my pride? Dare I ask outright for what I have hinted at?
I would ask to wear Beloved's collar again.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Weekend visit and continued ponderances
This weekend, I was honored to host three ladies from SJW, Remmy, Cricket, and Talina. Remmy's Master, Sterling, also joined us (and helped keep Beloved sane in the mist of all the estrogen!).
It was a bit of a fiasco trying to connect at the Shedd Aquarium. I had never been to the aquarium when it was so incredibly BUSY! Between that and the fact that staying in once place with a young boy is really challenging, it was a good two hours before we managed to find the entire party. Lesson learned. Besides that, it was fun, and Boy has asked several times when we are going back to the fishies. *grin* We got membership, so it might be soon...although I think it might be a special no-Girl time.
We departed the aquarium to go and have dinner at House of Sushi and Noodles. No, the irony isn't lost on me. Having had some of the "good" aka "expensive" sushi, I still think that the place is the best deal I've ever had for sushi. It's $17 for all you can eat buffet of 53 different rolls. It took fricken FOREVER to be seated, but it worked out in the end. Between the other women, I even got to eat without holding Girl. Boy even did well, although we did give in and allow him to hang out under the table.
After dinner, everyone came to our house for the night. We stayed up sharing stories and laughing until 11:30, at which point I begged off on account that I get up with the kids. Everyone retired, and I was pleasantly treated to an almost full-night sleep! Boy woke up once with his cough and Beloved dosed him, and Girl slept through until 6:30am!!!
I managed to get Girl and myself out of the bedroom without waking anyone fully, and she and I got breakfast started. Beloved joined us and helped finish up apple pancakes. Our guests trickled down about 9:30, just as the pancakes were ready.
The funny thing about a group with unpartnered submissives...everyone tries to serve everyone else! Talina commented that she might not be able to digest the meal if she couldn't help SOMEHOW. *giggles* We worked it out. Breakfast stretched into a couple of hours of chatting over tea. Then it was time to pack up and see our guests off.
The afternoon was lost to Beloved's insistence that I take a nap with Boy, and I only protested once. *smiles* I was tired and my back has started to misbehave. Dinner and the evening has been delightfully relaxed.
The visit was a wonderful and pondering time for me.
Wonderful because once again, I felt bathed in acceptance. Although I have spent a very limited amount of time with them, the people I met at SJW have become dear and special friends, and each time I have gotten to visit with one of them, I have felt renewed, more confident, and calmer in my path.
Pondering because every glimpse I get into another submissive's life sparks thoughts. In this case, it was mostly how high(er) protocol might fit into the life I share with Beloved and two children. Cricket and Talina jumped up every time one of the Dominants entered the room and asked which seat to take at the table...these are small gestures that simply don't occur to me. Remmy's contentedness to sit at her Master's knee also caught my attention.
After everyone left, before the nap, Beloved asked me if I was jealous. Jealous? No...wistful, perhaps. Mostly because we have children...the mention of attending club or munches inspired some disappointment.
Beloved also suggested that we try doing a week of high protocol.
My immediate reaction was to recoil and search for excuses. I've been trying to puzzle that out for several hours. I think it would be very difficult to do with Beloved. I fear I would be resentful at the corrections from Him. I worry that I will be disillusioned, that I don't know His likes and expectations as well as I think I do. I come close to panic trying to imagine how it would work with Boy and Girl around and filling my days with childhood demands.
At the same time...how much is because I am imagining the magic D/s life that appears in stories and books? Beloved is human and so am I. We live in the REAL world. Do I really think Beloved would be unreasonable in his expectations? *soft sigh* More like I am unreasonable in my own expectations and fear being disappointed, either with Beloved or (more likely) with myself.
It was a bit of a fiasco trying to connect at the Shedd Aquarium. I had never been to the aquarium when it was so incredibly BUSY! Between that and the fact that staying in once place with a young boy is really challenging, it was a good two hours before we managed to find the entire party. Lesson learned. Besides that, it was fun, and Boy has asked several times when we are going back to the fishies. *grin* We got membership, so it might be soon...although I think it might be a special no-Girl time.
We departed the aquarium to go and have dinner at House of Sushi and Noodles. No, the irony isn't lost on me. Having had some of the "good" aka "expensive" sushi, I still think that the place is the best deal I've ever had for sushi. It's $17 for all you can eat buffet of 53 different rolls. It took fricken FOREVER to be seated, but it worked out in the end. Between the other women, I even got to eat without holding Girl. Boy even did well, although we did give in and allow him to hang out under the table.
After dinner, everyone came to our house for the night. We stayed up sharing stories and laughing until 11:30, at which point I begged off on account that I get up with the kids. Everyone retired, and I was pleasantly treated to an almost full-night sleep! Boy woke up once with his cough and Beloved dosed him, and Girl slept through until 6:30am!!!
I managed to get Girl and myself out of the bedroom without waking anyone fully, and she and I got breakfast started. Beloved joined us and helped finish up apple pancakes. Our guests trickled down about 9:30, just as the pancakes were ready.
The funny thing about a group with unpartnered submissives...everyone tries to serve everyone else! Talina commented that she might not be able to digest the meal if she couldn't help SOMEHOW. *giggles* We worked it out. Breakfast stretched into a couple of hours of chatting over tea. Then it was time to pack up and see our guests off.
The afternoon was lost to Beloved's insistence that I take a nap with Boy, and I only protested once. *smiles* I was tired and my back has started to misbehave. Dinner and the evening has been delightfully relaxed.
The visit was a wonderful and pondering time for me.
Wonderful because once again, I felt bathed in acceptance. Although I have spent a very limited amount of time with them, the people I met at SJW have become dear and special friends, and each time I have gotten to visit with one of them, I have felt renewed, more confident, and calmer in my path.
Pondering because every glimpse I get into another submissive's life sparks thoughts. In this case, it was mostly how high(er) protocol might fit into the life I share with Beloved and two children. Cricket and Talina jumped up every time one of the Dominants entered the room and asked which seat to take at the table...these are small gestures that simply don't occur to me. Remmy's contentedness to sit at her Master's knee also caught my attention.
After everyone left, before the nap, Beloved asked me if I was jealous. Jealous? No...wistful, perhaps. Mostly because we have children...the mention of attending club or munches inspired some disappointment.
Beloved also suggested that we try doing a week of high protocol.
My immediate reaction was to recoil and search for excuses. I've been trying to puzzle that out for several hours. I think it would be very difficult to do with Beloved. I fear I would be resentful at the corrections from Him. I worry that I will be disillusioned, that I don't know His likes and expectations as well as I think I do. I come close to panic trying to imagine how it would work with Boy and Girl around and filling my days with childhood demands.
At the same time...how much is because I am imagining the magic D/s life that appears in stories and books? Beloved is human and so am I. We live in the REAL world. Do I really think Beloved would be unreasonable in his expectations? *soft sigh* More like I am unreasonable in my own expectations and fear being disappointed, either with Beloved or (more likely) with myself.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
"This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last."
So said Oscar Wilde. I was amused by Crumpet's comment, and then I considered this weekend.
Friday, dinner for seven and general company.
Saturday, dinner for eight (different group entirely!) followed by an outing to see Night of the Living Dead: The Musical.
Sunday, dinner for seven and general company.
The upcoming week:
Monday, lunch with a friend.
Tuesday, PPD meeting, trip to the zoo, birthday dinner for a friend.
Wednesday, meeting with local museum to discuss expanding public programming
Thursday, gymnastics and lunch with grandma
Friday, trip to forest preserve & I'm making bread
Saturday & Sunday, out of town friends from SJW are spending the weekend with us, and we are working in a trip to the Shedd Aquarium.
Somewhere in between all this, I work in laundry, household chores, meals, networking, and organizing two groups.
Underneath it all, there's the D/s. Beloved and I are slowly re-evolving that, although I am still without a formal collar. I think we are actually making progress, though...at least, for my side, I've been enjoying the places we've been going. My major regret is that the only way to really play is to cut into our sleep, and that can be a serious problem for me. Beloved's been an absolute saint and given me a morning the last two weekends to catch up...
Which is why Wilde's quote was exactly perfect...
Friday, dinner for seven and general company.
Saturday, dinner for eight (different group entirely!) followed by an outing to see Night of the Living Dead: The Musical.
Sunday, dinner for seven and general company.
The upcoming week:
Monday, lunch with a friend.
Tuesday, PPD meeting, trip to the zoo, birthday dinner for a friend.
Wednesday, meeting with local museum to discuss expanding public programming
Thursday, gymnastics and lunch with grandma
Friday, trip to forest preserve & I'm making bread
Saturday & Sunday, out of town friends from SJW are spending the weekend with us, and we are working in a trip to the Shedd Aquarium.
Somewhere in between all this, I work in laundry, household chores, meals, networking, and organizing two groups.
Underneath it all, there's the D/s. Beloved and I are slowly re-evolving that, although I am still without a formal collar. I think we are actually making progress, though...at least, for my side, I've been enjoying the places we've been going. My major regret is that the only way to really play is to cut into our sleep, and that can be a serious problem for me. Beloved's been an absolute saint and given me a morning the last two weekends to catch up...
Which is why Wilde's quote was exactly perfect...
Friday, October 2, 2009
This is Pixie.
See Pixie run. Run Pixie run!
I can try to sum up the last week, but it's been CRAZY busy...
Tuesday, 9/22 - The family got some particular vicious e-mails from my estranged sister. It really tore me apart. Beloved gave me a little space, and after the kids were in bed, he asked if I'd like to play a game. I said I'd rather hurt someone (yes, my sister's behavior REALLY got to me). What followed was physical overpowering and an intense spanking. It was really the first SCENE we have had in about a year. I was snot-faced and crying, and only once was Beloved actually concerned...but he was able to see in my eyes that I was okay and pushed me through. The emotional release was such a relief! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thursday, 9/24 - We learned that a family friend was dying, and the message was accidentally sent to my sister, which spurred another nasty bunch of e-mails. This time I didn't have time for it because we had 20 poly friends coming over for a game of Cranium. The laughter, mild teasing, and friendship let me "forget" and let go...
Friday, 9/25 - I took the kids to "Bear's Most Excellent Sale", which was a garage sale in memory of my cousin who committed suicide two years ago. It was a big-to-do and got front page coverage in the local newspaper. The family raised $2800 over the weekend, and it's all going to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
Tuesday, 9/29 - I spent the day preparing the house for the Aurora DOM...the first one Beloved has hosted since April. I was very nervous about getting everything just right. There was a program at the hospital I wanted to attend, which meant leaving a group of Dominants to fend for themselves for an hour. *wry smile* The last time I did that...well, let's just say I STILL enjoy teasing Beloved about it! All told, the DOM went well and it is going to continue. Next month, the demo is on rough body play...
Wednesday, 9/30 - A swift re-make of the house and Boy and I hosted our first craft day for our playgroup. We did self-portraits by having the kids lay down on 4' kraft paper, tracing their body, and then allowing them to decorate them by gluing googly eyes, coloring with markers, and using stickers. Boy was VERY proud and couldn't wait to show Beloved!
Beloved also went out that night with his girlfriend, so it was a bit of looooong day for this little pixie. I got myself to sleep around 11pm, but Beloved came home and woke me...then Girl was up...then Boy got up...then Girl woke again...
Thursday, 10/1 - By morning, I was exhausted and had the raccon eyes to show it. Beloved called into work, let me go back to bed, and handled the Thursday morning routine of dropping Girl off with Grandma, taking Boy to gymnastics. We met at Grandma's house for lunch, and by that point BELOVED was falling over tired! I sent him home, Grandma watched Boy while I took Girl to her 2-month doctor's appointment... She's doing great! She's grown 5 3/4" and put on 3 1/4 lbs since birth! She and I went home where I got Girl and Beloved down for naps and then I went and did the grocery shop, picked up Boy and dinner, and got home around 7pm. It was a pretty good evening, although Boy was hard to get to bed. Beloved and I played a board game and I made some snide comment which he answered with a threatened spanking...I dodged by grabbing my towel and taking a shower. He came in and scrubbed my back, followed me back to the bedroom, and fucked me silly. It was after midnight when we cleaned up and got back into bed. Beloved's comment was if we had "discovered" kink before we had Boy, we might not have had kids at all...but Beloved was glad we have them, even when they are a challenge and keep us running...
Friday, 10/2 - I have a playdate for the kids this afternoon, am making dinner for 7 tonight, and am looking forward to a hot bath and an early bedtime tonight...we'll see if that last part actually happens!
So, yeah...Run Pixie run! Whoever said being a stay-at-home parent was easy never tried it!!!
I can try to sum up the last week, but it's been CRAZY busy...
Tuesday, 9/22 - The family got some particular vicious e-mails from my estranged sister. It really tore me apart. Beloved gave me a little space, and after the kids were in bed, he asked if I'd like to play a game. I said I'd rather hurt someone (yes, my sister's behavior REALLY got to me). What followed was physical overpowering and an intense spanking. It was really the first SCENE we have had in about a year. I was snot-faced and crying, and only once was Beloved actually concerned...but he was able to see in my eyes that I was okay and pushed me through. The emotional release was such a relief! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thursday, 9/24 - We learned that a family friend was dying, and the message was accidentally sent to my sister, which spurred another nasty bunch of e-mails. This time I didn't have time for it because we had 20 poly friends coming over for a game of Cranium. The laughter, mild teasing, and friendship let me "forget" and let go...
Friday, 9/25 - I took the kids to "Bear's Most Excellent Sale", which was a garage sale in memory of my cousin who committed suicide two years ago. It was a big-to-do and got front page coverage in the local newspaper. The family raised $2800 over the weekend, and it's all going to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
Tuesday, 9/29 - I spent the day preparing the house for the Aurora DOM...the first one Beloved has hosted since April. I was very nervous about getting everything just right. There was a program at the hospital I wanted to attend, which meant leaving a group of Dominants to fend for themselves for an hour. *wry smile* The last time I did that...well, let's just say I STILL enjoy teasing Beloved about it! All told, the DOM went well and it is going to continue. Next month, the demo is on rough body play...
Wednesday, 9/30 - A swift re-make of the house and Boy and I hosted our first craft day for our playgroup. We did self-portraits by having the kids lay down on 4' kraft paper, tracing their body, and then allowing them to decorate them by gluing googly eyes, coloring with markers, and using stickers. Boy was VERY proud and couldn't wait to show Beloved!
Beloved also went out that night with his girlfriend, so it was a bit of looooong day for this little pixie. I got myself to sleep around 11pm, but Beloved came home and woke me...then Girl was up...then Boy got up...then Girl woke again...
Thursday, 10/1 - By morning, I was exhausted and had the raccon eyes to show it. Beloved called into work, let me go back to bed, and handled the Thursday morning routine of dropping Girl off with Grandma, taking Boy to gymnastics. We met at Grandma's house for lunch, and by that point BELOVED was falling over tired! I sent him home, Grandma watched Boy while I took Girl to her 2-month doctor's appointment... She's doing great! She's grown 5 3/4" and put on 3 1/4 lbs since birth! She and I went home where I got Girl and Beloved down for naps and then I went and did the grocery shop, picked up Boy and dinner, and got home around 7pm. It was a pretty good evening, although Boy was hard to get to bed. Beloved and I played a board game and I made some snide comment which he answered with a threatened spanking...I dodged by grabbing my towel and taking a shower. He came in and scrubbed my back, followed me back to the bedroom, and fucked me silly. It was after midnight when we cleaned up and got back into bed. Beloved's comment was if we had "discovered" kink before we had Boy, we might not have had kids at all...but Beloved was glad we have them, even when they are a challenge and keep us running...
Friday, 10/2 - I have a playdate for the kids this afternoon, am making dinner for 7 tonight, and am looking forward to a hot bath and an early bedtime tonight...we'll see if that last part actually happens!
So, yeah...Run Pixie run! Whoever said being a stay-at-home parent was easy never tried it!!!
Friday, September 25, 2009
I can do a CARTWHEEL!
Yup...I proved it today...er, yesterday? *sigh* It's been a loooooooong day! I got up at 6:30 with Girl, and since I was up, I made pancakes. After eating breakfast, I saw Beloved off to work and did my morning workout, dashed through a shower, and got the kids and myself out the door. Dropped Girl off with Grandma, did gynmastics with Boy (where I did said cartwheels!), picked up Girl, went to a Meetup playgroup, got home and put Boy down for a nap, made dinner for 10 and two apple pies, then hosted a group of 20 folks for another Meetup...
Blessings and praise be upon Beloved for cleaning up while I played hostess at the end of the evening!!!
Pride and joy describes how happy I am with the children for their behavior (although the sugar high at bedtime was a small problem).
EXHAUSTED and wired to the nines is what I am.
And I get to do it again tomorrow! Different variations, but still packed in and running running running...
I have an actual post to make about an amazing scene and some fantastic sex, but details are quickly fading and I'm just a little fuzzy to really put into words what it was that happened. Maybe I'll get it out...but with the current schedule, it's unlikely.
Blessings and praise be upon Beloved for cleaning up while I played hostess at the end of the evening!!!
Pride and joy describes how happy I am with the children for their behavior (although the sugar high at bedtime was a small problem).
EXHAUSTED and wired to the nines is what I am.
And I get to do it again tomorrow! Different variations, but still packed in and running running running...
I have an actual post to make about an amazing scene and some fantastic sex, but details are quickly fading and I'm just a little fuzzy to really put into words what it was that happened. Maybe I'll get it out...but with the current schedule, it's unlikely.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Bet you can't make me...
*laughs* First thing to know about Beloved, he NEVER backs down from a challenge. Never. Sometimes this is a very bad thing, because we were both disappointed when Boy's hair got buzzed on a dare...
But sometimes, this is a very good thing. Like last night...
It was late, we'd had a long day, and as he climbed into bed I leaned over and kissed him, and then blithely said, "Can I suck your cock?" It was a light-playful tone...not at all the tone I'd use for such topics...it even surprised me that the words just tumbled out. Beloved grinned and kept kissing me. I teased and he jested back that sometimes a guy wants a little foreplay. So I pounced on him! He laughed, and I challenged him.
Bet you can't make me suck your cock!
*coughs* Beloved has expressed an increasing fondness for the idea of rough body play, of "forcing" pleasure, of "play-rape". It's been a pretty edgy topic for years because of my history. While I'm sure that was in his mind, Beloved certainly got into the spirit. And while I didn't bite, kick, or scream, I think I put up a reasonable struggle.
So, yes, I was "forced" to follow through on my original request...and then my pants were torn off and he took his pleasure...and dragged me along for the ride.
*smirks* It was fun. It was HOT. I didn't have any nightmares. Pretty cool. Who knows...maybe...maybe I can be HIS again.
But sometimes, this is a very good thing. Like last night...
It was late, we'd had a long day, and as he climbed into bed I leaned over and kissed him, and then blithely said, "Can I suck your cock?" It was a light-playful tone...not at all the tone I'd use for such topics...it even surprised me that the words just tumbled out. Beloved grinned and kept kissing me. I teased and he jested back that sometimes a guy wants a little foreplay. So I pounced on him! He laughed, and I challenged him.
Bet you can't make me suck your cock!
*coughs* Beloved has expressed an increasing fondness for the idea of rough body play, of "forcing" pleasure, of "play-rape". It's been a pretty edgy topic for years because of my history. While I'm sure that was in his mind, Beloved certainly got into the spirit. And while I didn't bite, kick, or scream, I think I put up a reasonable struggle.
So, yes, I was "forced" to follow through on my original request...and then my pants were torn off and he took his pleasure...and dragged me along for the ride.
*smirks* It was fun. It was HOT. I didn't have any nightmares. Pretty cool. Who knows...maybe...maybe I can be HIS again.
Friday, September 11, 2009
What makes me think I could start clean slated...
On July 22nd, my collar was cut off. Granted, it was because of surgery, but I was uncollared. Beloved and I have not really visited that space for a long time, but it still left an ache. I've hinted and teased lightly about being re-collared...even bought the cord to make it happen...
Last night... *sigh* Back up. Yesterday was long and very busy. I was exhausted by suppertime. Beloved had teased me a bit during Boy's bath, but I really lacked the energy to do much. Beloved bit me and lightly marked me, I begged off. When the kids were finally asleep, I had fully intended to collapse as well. Beloved had other plans...
Of course, NOW my head is all fuzzy because I was tired, so I can't give an accurate account of events, but basically, I ended up on the couch with Beloved between my thighs...and he was TALKING. All what should have been complimentary...how much he enjoyed my taste, my scent...but I flipped out a bit. He backed off and asked if I would hesitate to take off my top, to offer my breasts, asked why my pussy was different. I don't really have the words to explain...but receiving sexual pleasure is so damnably HARD for me...
He told me to go wash my face and come back. I did.
He asked if I wanted to be HIS...of course...yes! So, he issued the orders for me to take off my top, offer my breasts, turn around, bend over and grab my ankles...I did. It wasn't until he started TALKING about playing with my pussy and ass (again) that I got edgy (again). I tried...but I was uncomfortable. He told me to get on the couch, that he was going to lick and suck me...I obeyed, but with hesitation...and started to cry (again). He came up and sat next to me (again), I recovered (again), and he told me that if I were going to belong to him, he was going to do as he liked...it wasn't about my disappointment in my body or concern about my scent, it HIS desires (duh) and if he wanted to, he WOULD like my pussy, would tell me to scream at the top of my lungs...that I'd smile while doing it.
And I lost it. It was almost panicky...I sank fast into the "worthless failure" place, angry that I couldn't submit, angry that he's ask such things of me...I can never, ever where his collar again, because I can't DO it...I can't accept pleasure. I'm afraid of it...afraid of not being "the good girl", afraid of being "disgusting", afraid of admitting I like it, afraid of condoning what happened more than twenty years ago.
When I stopped crying, we talked a little more about it...he said there is no doubt that I am a submissive...I submit to him every day in little ways...by asking what he'd like done around the house, by attending to his laundry, by making meals and caring for the kids, by making everything HE does possible. It's just in this area that I have a hard time... He's trying to unravel me, I think, but we are both painfully inexperienced in this space...I strangle myself on the words and he doesn't understand how to get me into a "good" bad space...
We finally gave it up, I tucked him in and went downstairs. I cleaned up dinner in a numb despair, then cleaned the bathroom. It was getting late and I had another busy day ahead, so I dragged myself back to the bedroom. Beloved was still awake, and in the dark, with my eyes closed, I was finally able to get some words out. I recalled a scene with Sir that maybe helped Beloved understand some of what I need...seek...
But I don't know.
Today has just been another day. Played with the kids, ran laundry, managed to work out lunch plans with Boy and Beloved (left Girl so it was a "special" time for Boy), got the kids home and down for a nap...
But here, in the few quiet moments, I find myself hurting and the irony of the Indigo Girls rings in my head...
Last night... *sigh* Back up. Yesterday was long and very busy. I was exhausted by suppertime. Beloved had teased me a bit during Boy's bath, but I really lacked the energy to do much. Beloved bit me and lightly marked me, I begged off. When the kids were finally asleep, I had fully intended to collapse as well. Beloved had other plans...
Of course, NOW my head is all fuzzy because I was tired, so I can't give an accurate account of events, but basically, I ended up on the couch with Beloved between my thighs...and he was TALKING. All what should have been complimentary...how much he enjoyed my taste, my scent...but I flipped out a bit. He backed off and asked if I would hesitate to take off my top, to offer my breasts, asked why my pussy was different. I don't really have the words to explain...but receiving sexual pleasure is so damnably HARD for me...
He told me to go wash my face and come back. I did.
He asked if I wanted to be HIS...of course...yes! So, he issued the orders for me to take off my top, offer my breasts, turn around, bend over and grab my ankles...I did. It wasn't until he started TALKING about playing with my pussy and ass (again) that I got edgy (again). I tried...but I was uncomfortable. He told me to get on the couch, that he was going to lick and suck me...I obeyed, but with hesitation...and started to cry (again). He came up and sat next to me (again), I recovered (again), and he told me that if I were going to belong to him, he was going to do as he liked...it wasn't about my disappointment in my body or concern about my scent, it HIS desires (duh) and if he wanted to, he WOULD like my pussy, would tell me to scream at the top of my lungs...that I'd smile while doing it.
And I lost it. It was almost panicky...I sank fast into the "worthless failure" place, angry that I couldn't submit, angry that he's ask such things of me...I can never, ever where his collar again, because I can't DO it...I can't accept pleasure. I'm afraid of it...afraid of not being "the good girl", afraid of being "disgusting", afraid of admitting I like it, afraid of condoning what happened more than twenty years ago.
When I stopped crying, we talked a little more about it...he said there is no doubt that I am a submissive...I submit to him every day in little ways...by asking what he'd like done around the house, by attending to his laundry, by making meals and caring for the kids, by making everything HE does possible. It's just in this area that I have a hard time... He's trying to unravel me, I think, but we are both painfully inexperienced in this space...I strangle myself on the words and he doesn't understand how to get me into a "good" bad space...
We finally gave it up, I tucked him in and went downstairs. I cleaned up dinner in a numb despair, then cleaned the bathroom. It was getting late and I had another busy day ahead, so I dragged myself back to the bedroom. Beloved was still awake, and in the dark, with my eyes closed, I was finally able to get some words out. I recalled a scene with Sir that maybe helped Beloved understand some of what I need...seek...
But I don't know.
Today has just been another day. Played with the kids, ran laundry, managed to work out lunch plans with Boy and Beloved (left Girl so it was a "special" time for Boy), got the kids home and down for a nap...
But here, in the few quiet moments, I find myself hurting and the irony of the Indigo Girls rings in my head...
So what makes me think I could start clean slated
The hardest to learn was the least complicated
The least complicated
The least complicated
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