One of the challenges about blogging is that I fall off the band-wagon. I start thinking I'm whining or depressed all the time and who wants to hear about that?! So, I found a new 30-day Challenge...My Top Fives. It will at least get me back in the habit of writing, even if you aren't all that interested... :P
Day One: Top Five Favorite Excuses
* I can't...
Total crap. I CAN. If I make it a priority, I can do anything I want to. This isn't to mean that it will be easy, but it probably CAN be done. End of subject.
* I don't want to...
Perhaps a better excuse, but still questionable. There are lots of things that people don't want to do, but that doesn't mean you can get off the hook with this one. Especially in line with "learning complaisance", saying I don't want to is a lame excuse.
* I am afraid...
ooo...good one, don't you think? Fear is a powerful force and it can be crippling. Fear can drive us to do things that are nonsensical or prevent us from growing. Some times we don't even realize it is fear that is blocking us. Fear is still an excuse, though. Indigo Girls had it right...Chase all the ghosts from your head. {You're}stronger than the monster beneath your bed. Smarter than the tricks played on your heart. Well look at them together and then take them apart...
* I can't decide...
This is a close cousin to the fear excuse. Usually we can't decide because we are afraid of making the wrong choice. Often, we try to not decide by doing nothing, and yet that is also a decision. Realize it, own it, DECIDE it.
* I am too busy... or There isn't enough time... or I'm too tired...
This one is one that I find myself using a lot. I do have a lot going on, all the time. Mother of two, involved in my family, host of Grand Central Station, support for more people than I can count... And yet, I have major huge time eaters in my life. Please note that I didn't say wasters. I am trying to modify my own language...it is an interesting exercise. Instead of wasting time, activities can eat time. Maybe there isn't a huge difference, but it makes it more of a conscious choice on my part. *chuckles* Blogging is one of my time eaters! So is gaming. *wink* I am considering a time log to see what more of my time eaters are. Another strategy...change your wording. Instead of saying "I don't have time" try saying "it's not a priority," and see how that feels. Often, that's a perfectly adequate explanation. I have time to iron my sheets, but that is not a priority. But other things are harder. I need to prioritize how I spend my time. Consider where you spend your time? What do you do all day? Are these reasons you are "too busy"?
Today's challenge summary:
Can I dare to PRIORITIZE my DECISIONS without being AFRAID of being "wrong"? Even if I DON'T WANT to, CAN I do it?
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
Anonymous poking and choices abound
Does it count as consensual if you weren't even aware of it? hmmmm....
Someone poked a comment about missing me and it made me smile. I've been thinking about it; I stopped writing here because "everyone" is on FetLife these days, and double-posting was annoying because Fet doesn't accept html so the formatting had to be changed either way I went. I didn't get much feedback here, so I figured there was where I should post. Now, I'm reconsidering. I could just post here and leave a link there. Blah blah blah. More CHOICES.
I am having a tough time with all the choices I have. Job hunting or school? If school, which area of study? What is for dinner and how can I remake the recipe to reflect high protein counts? Should I spend more time going through more crap to make boxes for the charity pick-up next week? Where can cuts be made so Montessori schooling is possible for TWO children? Are my moods because of physical sickness, SAD issues, or withdrawal from the Zoloft? Can my back handle going back to the gym yet? What can I afford to buy for the garden this year?
*wry smile* I'm a little overwhelmed and have spent a goodly part of the last week moving piles around and not really accomplishing anything. New day, new start...I'm trying to address this...and yet it's already 1pm, and I haven't done much at all. Maybe I should give it a shot, eh?
Someone poked a comment about missing me and it made me smile. I've been thinking about it; I stopped writing here because "everyone" is on FetLife these days, and double-posting was annoying because Fet doesn't accept html so the formatting had to be changed either way I went. I didn't get much feedback here, so I figured there was where I should post. Now, I'm reconsidering. I could just post here and leave a link there. Blah blah blah. More CHOICES.
I am having a tough time with all the choices I have. Job hunting or school? If school, which area of study? What is for dinner and how can I remake the recipe to reflect high protein counts? Should I spend more time going through more crap to make boxes for the charity pick-up next week? Where can cuts be made so Montessori schooling is possible for TWO children? Are my moods because of physical sickness, SAD issues, or withdrawal from the Zoloft? Can my back handle going back to the gym yet? What can I afford to buy for the garden this year?
*wry smile* I'm a little overwhelmed and have spent a goodly part of the last week moving piles around and not really accomplishing anything. New day, new start...I'm trying to address this...and yet it's already 1pm, and I haven't done much at all. Maybe I should give it a shot, eh?
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Polycule
This is our tribe. Together, we are a colossal force of love, laughter, and life.
Beloved and I have a solid marriage and a great friendship. Each of us have developed secondary relationships that are very involved with the whole family. His girlfriend and I are best friends, and my boyfriend and Sam hang out regularly without me.
Branching out from there, our partners are both married and their spouses have outside relationships as well. I also have some romantic friendships that add to the richness of our lives. In general, everyone is willing to jump into whatever chaos life brings us...from real crisis to hosting parties to childcare to housecleaning.
Monday, December 5, 2011
It's beginning to look (a little) like Christmas
A little...*half smile*
Decorating for the holidays, any holiday, is something that I try to do. Try, because I get caught up in life and shamrocks have been up until July, or bits of Halloween are still floating around when I get valentines ready. But I try, and I have a very tolerant husband who helps lots and puts up with my totes of supplies.
Today, I got the outside lights up. Since I had to retire so many strings last year, I decided to go with solar lights. I'll let you know how they work out. I also got these little tiny lighted trees for the front walk.
Tomorrow, I'm going to see about my Santas. Maybe. I'm trying to do this with a plan. On the one hand, I am starting much earlier than I ever have. On the other, I'm "losing" a whole WEEK because Beloved, ShadoNight, and Rain are freaking AWESOME!!!
I am getting a whole SIX DAYS away from home. Sunday-Tuesday, Beloved and I are shacking up at a B&B in Michigan. Our room has a fireplace, a two-person tub, and a table ready and waiting for our board games. Then, I am being whisked off by Shado for three days ALONE of quiet, meditation, and sleep. I'm cheating a little and bringing some sewing projects, but I am looking forward to it. Rain, bless her heart, is taking on the kids all week.
So...we'll see! I'm excited and nervy about "abandoning" everything in the middle of the CRAZY holiday month. It will be a good experience for everyone, I think.
Decorating for the holidays, any holiday, is something that I try to do. Try, because I get caught up in life and shamrocks have been up until July, or bits of Halloween are still floating around when I get valentines ready. But I try, and I have a very tolerant husband who helps lots and puts up with my totes of supplies.
Today, I got the outside lights up. Since I had to retire so many strings last year, I decided to go with solar lights. I'll let you know how they work out. I also got these little tiny lighted trees for the front walk.
Tomorrow, I'm going to see about my Santas. Maybe. I'm trying to do this with a plan. On the one hand, I am starting much earlier than I ever have. On the other, I'm "losing" a whole WEEK because Beloved, ShadoNight, and Rain are freaking AWESOME!!!
I am getting a whole SIX DAYS away from home. Sunday-Tuesday, Beloved and I are shacking up at a B&B in Michigan. Our room has a fireplace, a two-person tub, and a table ready and waiting for our board games. Then, I am being whisked off by Shado for three days ALONE of quiet, meditation, and sleep. I'm cheating a little and bringing some sewing projects, but I am looking forward to it. Rain, bless her heart, is taking on the kids all week.
So...we'll see! I'm excited and nervy about "abandoning" everything in the middle of the CRAZY holiday month. It will be a good experience for everyone, I think.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
I'm versatile!
Every once in a while, I get a real surprise. Today, it was discovering that I've been added to the "Versatile Blogger" group. *squeeee* It's so silly, but being "read from afar" and having readers "lurk in the corners" is still pretty awesome in my mind.
So..um...what do I have to do with this award? Life is full of rules and regulations, and the Versatile Blogger Award is no different. So let’s get that out of the way first:
THE RULES
1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass this award along to 15 recently discovered blogs you enjoy reading.
4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.
Kaya was the one that I was tapped by. Like her, I read and lurk Under His Hand. Occasionally I think I have something to contribute to her thoughts, but mostly I am fascinated with her story.
Seven things...hmmm. In other blogs, people have taken to trying to find seven things that were unknown. That's tough. I generally think I am an open book. Well, maybe you don't know this:
1) Ever since the summer my dad paid me a nickle per weed pulled from the lawn, I've been a little annoyed with grass and lawns. They ain't natural, and while I love to walk on lush, green grass, I am just not up for the work and chemicals it would take. I've talked lots about my solution, though...rip out the grass and put in a native garden!
2) I was scolded in kindergarten for not playing with the baby dolls with the other girls. Or maybe it was just that Sister Kolavan foresaw my future because of my friendships with so many of the boys? *shrug* She also wanted to hold me back because I tied my shoes with two "bunny ears" and held my pencil "wrong". Guess what? I still do!
3) I avoid cooking Mexican/Latin food. This one's weird because I like the food and I'm not afraid of dabbling in Asian complexities, but there is something about mole, atole, and queso blanco that makes me wary of trying recipes.
4) I would like to learn more "Depression-Era" skills...canning, preserving, sewing, wild-crafting. Skills that lead to self-sufficiency. *shrug* I'm a little less thrilled with learning to dress kills, but I could probably do it.
5) I have never had an address outside of Illinois. I have traveled lots, but always come home.
6) When I went for my colposcopy in October, the doctor announce that my cervix "is a perfect specimen" and asked if he could call his nurses in for a look. WTF? I already had one person poking my privates, what's 2 or 3 more?
7) My favorite cereal is probably Quaker Oats Life.
Small problem with the whole "pass it on" rule: I don't think I read 15 blogs regularly! There are a couple of private blogs I read, but can't share those. Most folks have already been awarded...but here are a couple I enjoy that I haven't seen awarded yet:
Submissive Reflections - hasn't been active in months, though
Opening Doors, Turning Corners by BootPig
Crumbs in my Cleavage by Ninian Taboo
BDSM is Love by LunaKM
So..um...what do I have to do with this award? Life is full of rules and regulations, and the Versatile Blogger Award is no different. So let’s get that out of the way first:
THE RULES
1. Thank the award-giver and link back to them in your post.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass this award along to 15 recently discovered blogs you enjoy reading.
4. Contact your chosen bloggers to let them know about the award.
Kaya was the one that I was tapped by. Like her, I read and lurk Under His Hand. Occasionally I think I have something to contribute to her thoughts, but mostly I am fascinated with her story.
Seven things...hmmm. In other blogs, people have taken to trying to find seven things that were unknown. That's tough. I generally think I am an open book. Well, maybe you don't know this:
1) Ever since the summer my dad paid me a nickle per weed pulled from the lawn, I've been a little annoyed with grass and lawns. They ain't natural, and while I love to walk on lush, green grass, I am just not up for the work and chemicals it would take. I've talked lots about my solution, though...rip out the grass and put in a native garden!
2) I was scolded in kindergarten for not playing with the baby dolls with the other girls. Or maybe it was just that Sister Kolavan foresaw my future because of my friendships with so many of the boys? *shrug* She also wanted to hold me back because I tied my shoes with two "bunny ears" and held my pencil "wrong". Guess what? I still do!
3) I avoid cooking Mexican/Latin food. This one's weird because I like the food and I'm not afraid of dabbling in Asian complexities, but there is something about mole, atole, and queso blanco that makes me wary of trying recipes.
4) I would like to learn more "Depression-Era" skills...canning, preserving, sewing, wild-crafting. Skills that lead to self-sufficiency. *shrug* I'm a little less thrilled with learning to dress kills, but I could probably do it.
5) I have never had an address outside of Illinois. I have traveled lots, but always come home.
6) When I went for my colposcopy in October, the doctor announce that my cervix "is a perfect specimen" and asked if he could call his nurses in for a look. WTF? I already had one person poking my privates, what's 2 or 3 more?
7) My favorite cereal is probably Quaker Oats Life.
Small problem with the whole "pass it on" rule: I don't think I read 15 blogs regularly! There are a couple of private blogs I read, but can't share those. Most folks have already been awarded...but here are a couple I enjoy that I haven't seen awarded yet:
Submissive Reflections - hasn't been active in months, though
Opening Doors, Turning Corners by BootPig
Crumbs in my Cleavage by Ninian Taboo
BDSM is Love by LunaKM
Monday, November 14, 2011
Awake
I am awake. I am filled with a practical sense of contentment and accomplishment. The hurts my body complains of are results of my growing leaner, stronger. The wetness between my thighs remind me that I was thoroughly ravaged by Beloved merely hours ago. The silver in my hair reveals my true nature, both mature and magical. The callouses on my hands tell of the time spent in the garden and the bruises on my arms speak of success in moving a truckload of "stuff" out of the house. The small wrinkles about my eyes and mouth speak to a happy life.
And yet, I am awake. My mind ripples with thoughts. Who will be where when, and what needs to happen to ensure that? Commitments for tomorrow, responsibilities for this week, plans for the month. All of what I can and do accomplish is broken down into pieces and steps and reassembled into possibilities. Mine is the gift to make lesser miracles happen regularly and predictably, and I am wonderful at what I do. Knowing that I can I provide and bring happiness, it is a pleasure to be of service.
And still, at 3am, I am awake. There's a craving to relinquish all my worries, to surrender my struggles, to be completely owned and loved and protected. I yearn for a sense of purpose and direction instead of the nebulous "freedom" I have staying home. As the leaves fall, I find myself already expanding my garden in the spring. I wish to feel clay beneath my hands, slipping and shaping like a magic art to create bowls and cups to adorn the table. There's a longing for soft caresses, firm hands, warm firelight. There's a desire for the slightly giddy feeling of being uninhibited. I want to spread my wings, feel the wind in my hair, taste the starlight on my tongue.
Thus, I am awake. I cannot sleep when my daydreams are so vivid.
And yet, I am awake. My mind ripples with thoughts. Who will be where when, and what needs to happen to ensure that? Commitments for tomorrow, responsibilities for this week, plans for the month. All of what I can and do accomplish is broken down into pieces and steps and reassembled into possibilities. Mine is the gift to make lesser miracles happen regularly and predictably, and I am wonderful at what I do. Knowing that I can I provide and bring happiness, it is a pleasure to be of service.
And still, at 3am, I am awake. There's a craving to relinquish all my worries, to surrender my struggles, to be completely owned and loved and protected. I yearn for a sense of purpose and direction instead of the nebulous "freedom" I have staying home. As the leaves fall, I find myself already expanding my garden in the spring. I wish to feel clay beneath my hands, slipping and shaping like a magic art to create bowls and cups to adorn the table. There's a longing for soft caresses, firm hands, warm firelight. There's a desire for the slightly giddy feeling of being uninhibited. I want to spread my wings, feel the wind in my hair, taste the starlight on my tongue.
Thus, I am awake. I cannot sleep when my daydreams are so vivid.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Worthy
For four and a half years, I have struggled with D/s concepts. The nebulous life of being a stay-at-home mom removed many of my external limitations and rewards. I have sought guidance through "The Books" only to discard them as ill-fitting. I have had my stomach roll looking at contracts because of the chill-coldness of them. I have cried and screamed and begged for direction because I am lost with no path, and then I have gotten angry when I stumble on the uneven terrain of the path I've been offered.
There are some hard lessons to understand how important and deeply I held my submission. It isn't about the physical...the protocols to memorize or the endurance of a scene. The emotional pain of failing or disappointing can drop me faster than a heavy beating. The sharp spiral I could create for myself was often seated in the quest for perfection. The problem is that the perfection is in MY eyes, not his.
My need to get beyond this grows to an almost undeniable roar...I want to be the me you say you see...I want to know she is me. ~The1muse
Perhaps the greatest service Beloved does for me is to tell me to STOP. It isn't about the dust bunnies behind the couch or the marker on the wall or how well (or poorly) I remember protocols...it is about him and me. He loves me, not what I do.
He has dragged me to bed, cuffed my ankle, and then taken the children out so I could...would...rest. He has waded into my emotional whirlpools and pulled me out. Just last week, when I was despairing over being long-passed trespasses, he had tears of frustration and love in his eyes when he told me, "It isn't your right to forgive. I was the one who was betrayed, and I have the right to forgive you. STOP denying my right to forgive you. Stop denying all the people who love you. Let it go."
Even now, I sit stunned at his words. He has asked that I surrender my faults, my flaws, my insecurities so I may be absolved. I don't know that I quite understood how tightly and fiercely I have nursed my own label as a failure.
This is no game we play; this isn't about the toys or the protocols or the little kinks that we enjoy from time to time in the bedroom. This is the real thing.
I'm scared. Who am I if I let it go? What will happen if I truly am happy? Can I give up feeling unworthy and surrender that much? Am I willing to be worthy?
There are some hard lessons to understand how important and deeply I held my submission. It isn't about the physical...the protocols to memorize or the endurance of a scene. The emotional pain of failing or disappointing can drop me faster than a heavy beating. The sharp spiral I could create for myself was often seated in the quest for perfection. The problem is that the perfection is in MY eyes, not his.
My need to get beyond this grows to an almost undeniable roar...I want to be the me you say you see...I want to know she is me. ~The1muse
Perhaps the greatest service Beloved does for me is to tell me to STOP. It isn't about the dust bunnies behind the couch or the marker on the wall or how well (or poorly) I remember protocols...it is about him and me. He loves me, not what I do.
He has dragged me to bed, cuffed my ankle, and then taken the children out so I could...would...rest. He has waded into my emotional whirlpools and pulled me out. Just last week, when I was despairing over being long-passed trespasses, he had tears of frustration and love in his eyes when he told me, "It isn't your right to forgive. I was the one who was betrayed, and I have the right to forgive you. STOP denying my right to forgive you. Stop denying all the people who love you. Let it go."
Even now, I sit stunned at his words. He has asked that I surrender my faults, my flaws, my insecurities so I may be absolved. I don't know that I quite understood how tightly and fiercely I have nursed my own label as a failure.
This is no game we play; this isn't about the toys or the protocols or the little kinks that we enjoy from time to time in the bedroom. This is the real thing.
I'm scared. Who am I if I let it go? What will happen if I truly am happy? Can I give up feeling unworthy and surrender that much? Am I willing to be worthy?
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