Escape

It smells heavily of rain, but it is different. I wonder if it's the coastal surge.

It's Saturday and Beloved had already taken the kids out. What will I do with the day? There's a million things that need attention, but when I start to consider them, I want to crawl back in bed, which lends itself to feeling worthless. I just want everything to go away.

So it goes...

I can't sleep.

Earlier today I was utterly exhausted, to the point of nauseous and dizzy. I managed to get the kids fed, put on a movie, took a cool shower, and past out. Beloved checked on me, but didn't really rouse me beyond getting fresh ice water. I slept a good 4 hours...

Now, of course, it's midnight and sleep seems far away. I consider moving laundry or trying to be productive and wonder if that is a good idea. I'm still a bit nauseous, and shouldn't I try meditation or something to stay quiet? *sigh* My thoughts remain fuzzy and confused. Focusing is hard.

I suppose I'll see about the dishes and go from there. Perhaps Beloved will be home soon to coax me back to bed and sleep.

step by step

I'm tired and groggy and my brain is full of cobwebs. Yesterday was definitely a drop...irritable and snippy. I avoided people as much as possible and I took some meds and was in bed by 8:30. Except for Beloved nudging me a few times, I slept through the night, but getting up at 7:30 was a drag. Two hours and two cups of coffee later, I am still not really functioning. Icing on the cake is a light pink tinge...my moontime is kicking in. That is about 10-12 days early, but it accounts for the pimples.

Thanks to Issac, the weekend forecast is rain, rain, and more rain. It's desperately needed here, and it will fit my mood. I just am sorry it happens to be the holiday weekend.

55 hours...

I'm starting to get overwhelmed.

The Plan is to head to the cabin for the weekend. I'm looking at the house, the packing, the laundry. I get snap-shot, zoom-in mental pictures of all the things that are out of place. I can't focus enough to get anything done.

That Girl is asleep on the couch and Boy is content watching television is a sheer blessing. If they were at each other or whining at me, I'm pretty sure I'd lose it...

documenting

If my UP switch was flipped Monday night, then I am about 52 hours past it. I am definitely crashing...it has a very physical feel to it, like a caffeine crash with jitters. Mentally, I am having trouble following conversations and communicating with Girl is agony (she likes to try to talk with her thumb in her mouth, on top of the 3-year old logic and word mispronunciation).

My eyes are gritty and I desperately want to curl up and go to sleep. I did try to lay down, but I was interrupted and my thoughts kept wandering over things I *should* do.

Icarus and recognition of a familiar pattern

In Greek mythology, Icarus attempted to escape from Crete by means of wings that his father constructed from feathers and wax. He ignored instructions not to fly too close to the sun, and the melting wax caused him to fall into the sea where he drowned.

I am Icarus today.

It isn't ignoring instructions per se, but today I have flown waaaaay high. It's been building up for the last couple of days, and last night the wave crested. I couldn't get to sleep, and when I DID, I didn't stay asleep. I was up at 5:30am and couldn't get back to DreamTime.

I was productive...I made pancakes and started laundry. When the kids got up, I laughed and played with them. I teased Beloved mercilessly as he walked out the door. I blogged about all the good stuff going on. I got all the gear together that I needed for an afternoon away from home and set off for my 1pm counseling appointment.

It wasn't until my therapist realized that I was cracking her up that something clicked. "I have never seen you like this before. What changed?"

Nothing. No diet changes, no relationship changes, no big breaks in responsibilities. This just is an UP day.

She started quizzing me about all of it. I admitted that there was an edge...that I will crash hard and by Thursday afternoon, I expect to be a complete mess. That is the pattern...every couple of weeks, for about 36 hours, I'm high as a kite. I slip a day later, and then the sleep deprivation catches me and it's utter hell of depression and misery for about 3 or four days before I "normalize" to my typical dysthymic level. It doesn't seem triggered by anything specific, it just happens. It's been happening for years and years.

She got up and got some tests, and while I was doing them, she said, "You even look different...animated."

I scored borderline bipoler.

Duh. I could have told you that. The problem is my UP is extremely short and I don't think any medical professional has really seen one in progress before. Sure, I will TELL them they happen, but the general low is much more familiar, more typical. I don't have a "normal emotional baseline" or something like that. The dysthymia IS accurate, but I do present the hypermanic very briefly before a spectacular crash.

*sigh* I'm still high. Despite being up for 20 hours, running all day, and a hard workout at the gym, I can't relax. I'm writing all of this up and having trouble sitting still. I don't know if I will be able to sleep soon at all.

But tomorrow...and the next day...and the weekend...

*sigh*

More good stuff!

I did in fact manage to spend Saturday cleaning house. I knocked out almost all of the weekly chores, took four showers to prevent overheating, and managed to actually ACCOMPLISH something.

Sunday, the family met up with my dad and his wife and we fested on Ethiopian food. Going back to their place, we enjoyed a rustic blueberry pie and squeezed in a couple of hands of bridge in before the kids were too squirrelly for company.

Monday, I took advantage of the cool day to pull about 12 bags of stuff out of the attic and scheduled a pick-up with a local charity. This morning, it is all gone. Hurrah!

My moods are still rocky at best, but I am getting things done and that helps a lot. Tonight, Beloved wants to meet up at the gym and has given me the option of taking off for the evening. I'm debating on doing my own workout. I could use it, if I can summon up the energy and motivation to do it...