I've mentioned that I have childhood rape in my past...sometimes it get triggered. Last night was one of those.
After getting Boy to bed, Beloved asked what I wanted to do...go to bed, play a game, or get the spanking I deserved. I didn't answer but cuddled up and when Beloved said we should go upstairs, I snagged the toybag...
I stripped down and assumed the "Preen" pose while Beloved opened the bag and started to get things out. He began caressing me, biting my neck, cuffed my wrists...I begged to put my arms down, and he denied me. I could feel my fingertips going numb and my arms were shaking when he finally grabbed the cuffs and pulled me to the beg, I was so relieved!
He continued to warm my skin and then began spanking me. First time in months, literally. I struggled to submit, to not cry, to accept the spanking and give in...but I found myself focusing elsewhere...specifically, could I feel my rings on my my left hand? Could I ignore the bigger sensations in favor of that tiny pressure?
Beloved began flogging me, then, and it got harder. Focus shifted to the cuffs, the warmth around my wrists, the loose thread on the right cuff. Beloved flogged my shoulders and it was LOUD right next to my ears. I bit into the blanket beneath me, wanting to be "good" and give Beloved his spanking...
"You're all warmed up...maybe we should try out some of our new toys."
I'd put in an order at Iron Rose, since they are closing their doors. Beloved selected the mini slapper, and told me to life my right foot. That stung, but it wasn't terrible. Balancing on that foot while he beat the left foot was harder. I don't think he was all that impressed with that, though, because he put it aside.
"Let's try the one you're really excited about."
The Wartenberg wheel. I wouldn't say that was the one I was most excited about, but so many people have mentioned it, I was curious. He started on my shoulders, rolling down over my very sensitive bum, across my thighs. I couldn't "escape" anymore...I was wincing and flinching with every prick. Beloved kept saying how he loved my reactions. He had me flip over on my back and began playing the wheel over my breasts and chest. I whined and whimpered when he rolled over my nips, and he laughed at how hard they were. He started to play across my face...the wheel over my lips was torture...
Then he began inching lower...across my belly and he told me to spread my legs. I was trembling but obeyed. Beloved played the wheel over my lips, and then reached inside. I felt mild panic, but swallowed and squeezed my eyes shut, breathing. That lasted until Beloved ran the wheel over my C-section scar.
I have no idea how to explain, but the panic was intense. It wasn't Beloved, but a surgeon and I was trapped...afraid to move but unable to contain my thrashing. Beloved backed off that pretty quick, but I was shivering...
Beloved leaned down and began gently lapping at my pussy. He played with me, and then spread me open and began tongue-fucking me. The particular method is pretty new to us, and he told me to play with my clit while he buried his face in my wetness. I was spiraling upward, and he started using his finger instead of his tongue.
I began to lose control, the orgasm building. Beloved's moans and soft encouragements heightened the moment, and suddenly I was cumming HARD. It was amazing! I was so drifty, floaty... I withdrew my hand...
Beloved pushed my open again, diving down on my clit, pressing his fingers in deep. It hurt...I wasn't ready, being way sensitive. The floating feeling disappeared instantly, and suddenly the panic was back. I pushed him away, but he only pressed harder. I covered my eyes, but couldn't keep the tears back. I began sobbing and shaking...
Beloved gathered me in his arms, whispering that I was okay. He pet my hair, kissed my cheek, let me curl on my side and rock slightly. I came back slowly, but was still lost. What had happened???
"I think we triggered a rape moment. That's awesome."
Awesome? Awesome that my orgasms are tied up with such crap??? The hatred and despair I felt was ugly. Those six boys destroyed me, and twenty years later, I'm still trapped by them.
"No...but every time we find one of your triggers, we lance the wound a little more. You are freer each time."
*deep sigh* He's amazing. He cleaned up the toys while I pulled on jammies and then he tucked me into bed. I slept almost immediately, forever grateful that I'm his and he takes such care with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment