dark matters

I was nine years old when I was a gang-rape victim. There's residual conflicts, confusions, and struggles from that even through it was more than two decades ago and I have a happy, healthy sex life today.

One of the struggles has been in accepting my own enjoyment of sex and sexplay. I don't orgasm easily or regularly. I'm conflicted about rough play. I've agonized over the fact that my body responds while my mind is screaming "nonononononono! you don't like this. this is wrong."

It's a dark matter that I've been working on for years with Beloved and now Sir is pressing even harder. Sir has taken me in and out of headspaces with very little SEXUAL contact...but last night, it was Beloved who forced me.

It wasn't rape...but it wasn't consensual exactly, either. He didn't say a single word. His kisses didn't feel like Beloved, and his growls were entirely unfamiliar. He held me down and choked me, grabbed my hair, made me gag on his cock, then fucked me. My body responded...I got hard nips and wet anyway...I remained very tight, though. And I thought I was going to be sick.

But I was okay. Beloved held me quietly for a little while afterwards. I was a little shell-shocked, but didn't fall into the sobbing heap I might have. I told him that my head prefers mindfucks...but there was no denying my physical reaction. It confuses my head and scares me. After we got cleaned up, Beloved tucked me under the covers and I fell asleep in his arms. I woke up twice in sweats, but there weren't any clear dreams or memories and I got back to sleep both times.

Beloved complained this morning of weird energy because of the play...Topdrop with emotion, I think. Some quiet time would be good for both of us, but of course, there's not rest for us...

I mentioned it to Sir this morning. For all his sadism, he is amazingly attentive and concerned.

pixie:I guess...*shrug* I don't know. I guess I needed you to know because the physical reactions were all there, but my head was screaming "nonononono...you don't like this. this is wrong."
Sir: as I knew it would be, which is why I've been talking to you alot about your feelings. You asked me to help you be you...
pixie: *nods*
Sir: that is part of you I want to help you reconcile with. Your body did what it was designed to do, just as it did when you were young. It's your mind that is holding it against you
pixie: yes
Sir: You did nothing wrong, then or last night. It dosen't make you a bad girl.

I suppose that I am just coming to accept that idea...that the wantonness, the bdsm doesn't make me a horrible person, and it doesn't condone what was done to me as a kid.

Beloved...you are amazing for sticking with me through this, for unwrapping me and sheltering me and loving me through the horrors and shame. I can't really express how grateful I am that you continue to help me, and that you've allowed me to go deeper into this darkness with Sir. I still have a loooooong way to go, but maybe, just maybe, I'm finally healing...